Deep cuts

"Xenatine is merely a glass shard mirroring the rotten core of this world" Lich-lord Astrakh ne Delan, as reported by Gelstran of Irsia in his Recounting of the Great Invasion of 105 AC.
 
Stains.... sorry, I wanted to write something coherent but there are stains everywhere... I curse this journal and these walls and this filthy chest!!! There's no air here, how can we live like this? Or, well, at least I don't have air.
 
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I'm back. I confess, I went to cry like a sad little girl, yes, mock me, laugh at me, sneer and jeer. What do you want me to do? Face things like a grown-up, you may say. I'm facing as much as I can, or actually as much as my weak soul is willing to carry. Maybe that's the thing. I'm too weak. Drenizek told Verfi not a long time ago that God only gives us as much as we can carry, or I said it? I don't remember, I clearly remember telling this to Drenizek, so in the end it was my thought, now or sometime in the past. But... I haven't really asked the follow up... Is it fair? Take the tale of the Master and his three apprentices. You know, the one whereby the master gives out alimonies to his three best apprentices. So the main focus of the story is obviously on the third apprentice, who just buries his money in the ground instead of investing it, like the first two. But here's the thing.... The first apprentice had 10 pieces of gold. He faced a bigger risk when investing, and had to be more careful. The second apprentice faced a smaller risk. The Master awaited his alimonies back, but the second apprentice could only stand to lose 5 pieces of gold at most, while the first had a potential 10-gold piece debt to swallow. Yet the Master treats them both the same, because they both doubled their money to 20 and 10 respectively. He only chastises the moron who buried his 2 gold coins. So I get it that the second apprentice did the same as the first one... But was it FAIR? That's my question. Why have less money than the other one to begin with?
 
Oh, Eve, you Nut! People are not the same. Everyone has differing qualities and potential, and God knows our potential and would not ask for more than to use the potential WE have, instead of comparing us with people that have potential for more in any given thing. Like I'm not supposed to shatter the Earth like Bart.... am I?
 
Haha, here's the thing. First, I know what the story is on about. I know it comes from God Himself, as part of the Marion Hill revelations. So, yes, I take it at face value. But, for the sake of discussion, since I have nothing better to do than cry in this ugly palace where an eternally gross sun shines... Think of Bart! The very example I gave above. God gave Bart and I the same scrawny bodies. As far as our physical prowess gold coins go, we are more or less comparable. Well, he's a man, so he's got me there, but if we compare us with average men/women, we both end up somewhere in the same area of scrawniness, relative to our own genders. Then again... Bart can smash the earth with a fist, I can't. How do we calculate that in gold coins!? He doesn't even do it because he's strong, so he didn't increase his gold coins, right? But then, he DID increase gold coins in other parts, like in mental prowess. The allegory was meant to represent all of our traits and qualities as gold coins. So he has 10 gold coins, he doesn't multiply the one gold coin which was physical prowess, but he multiplies the others, so he still doubles it. But but but it helps him, technically, multiply his 1 coin as well!!! That's the thing!!! So he actually DOES do a lot more than just multiply coins.... He multiplies his coins and by doing so multiplies his coins even more, getting into a constant loop of coin multiplication which will lead to him drowning in the amount of coins he multiplies, but that would give him even more coin, to the point the universe itself is drenched in coins as if he's the biggest bestest greatest boy to have ever walked the good Earth and its 8 other equivalent Earths!
 
I'm just mad. I'm not jealous, idiotic journal.... I can't stand to see MYSELF so bad, when he's so good. I have a duty. Duty! Do you understand? That's the thing with the second apprentice. His duty as he saw it was to multiply 5 gold coins by 5. But the other guy was doing 10 for 10. I have 5 or 10, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE I HAVE 1! Or 0, since this number so accurately represents me anyways. What I DO know is that I want to multiply my coins by 10 stupid stinking other coins! I don't know what my Duty is, so I made it my duty that I get the maximum amount of coins, and here I am, not even multiplying the coins that I have, while Bart multiplies even what he doesn't have (see physical power). It's.... embarrassing.
 
Also to be honest Bart looks more buff in general so there you go, he even went ahead and did that.
 
I had a talk with him. Yeah, there you go, the big core issue. Eve upset, so Eve axe. Eve axe, so Eve mad. Eve mad, so Eve bad journal chapter. Simple inferences. Ugh, I should be linear, it's a journal, not a cheap half-hatched philosophical piece. So, without further ado, here's where we stand.
 
We reached the Evo-centre at Tekkera Sul, the capital Star Sector of the Orshag. I did not know what to expect, we were going to visit another planet. For the first time. Bethle does not count, Bethle is basically our Earth in another dimension. But the capital planet in Tekkera Sul, called Aviriath, was a completely different place. You could tell everyone felt a bit worried and out of place when we were told that we were going to need protective suits and breathing mechanisms or something. Because the air is toxic! Also the planet is cold, quite cold.
 
I was in no mood for talks, but people were unusually enthusiastic to share their feelings on all matter of subjects. I was more focused on how well protected we were... These soldiers with big complex helmets, almost fashionable cyan cloaks and shining armor which seemed as metal as you could get, only not iron, but some weird.... alloy, I think Kelly called it...? Like bronze is a mix of more metals, I don't know metallurgy... Anyway, they were monstrously strong, I could feel it, and coordinated with the efficiency of machines... but they were living beings. And clearly we were important enough already to be escorted. Weren't we supposed to come here covertly? Haha. Hahahahaha.
 
But people weren't that worried. I didn't know what to expect from the Orshag. I was uneasy, but not as uneasy as when I realised poor Lullaby would surely get hurt from wearing their stupid suits. Her ankles are swollen and she'll get nasty calluses... I can't help her. I'm useless, God. I tried to at least not make her move too much. It's funny, I am surrounded by various expressions. Everyone has at least one go-to expression, perhaps several, and they are different. Sometimes I can't stand them and wish to smash them, but that's just Axe-Eve and the monstrosity that has emerged from within me. It drives me nuts. Like for example that dumb smile Marc always has. Almost a smirk, as if to say haha I'm better than you I'm happy you're not! How I hate him sometimes!!!! See...? Mad!
 
Nixie keeps getting sad and flustered about the whole "toiled girl" incident, as Verfy calls it. I told her it's not her fault, but I guess I can understand how having someone die in your arms all of a sudden for no reason can make you feel. Still, seeing her so flustered about much about everything in xy, even if she's the one that insisted we continue on this journey, makes me a little confused. And, in all honesty, lost. I'm lost in many ways, I mean lost in our mission. Are we even doing something worthwhile here? I feel so much that the chessboard is set here as well, that we're wasting our time. This world is under her control. Under their control. Like ours, to be honest. But maybe even more. I don't know, there's an invisible hand... it just permeates everywhere... I can't explain it too much. In any case, seeing Nixie so unsure... Why would I think any of this has any meaning? I once tried to instill this trust into Nixie, now I feel the roles have reversed in a way, I'm the one seeking some semblance of hope and direction from her, but she seems just as in need as I...
 
I have abandoned her, that's what I did! God, she needed me to be the wannabe-wise level headed Ionolian bore-Nut who would talk about how we are still doing fine, how we can still continue the fight and all that. But ever since the bloody Primordial Tree fight I can't muster any of my past rantings. Still, she should have understood by now. I kept saying things. Maybe SOMEONE on this God-forsaken mission will have the strength to carry this? And maybe guide the rest of us fools? I don't know. I'm just spewing Balan-fueled nonsense. Or maybe not. I can't tell. And I'm worried. I can't tell if the demon is influencing me or not. Soon, I'll kill someone....!? I really consider tying my hands together at night. But then how would I dress Lullaby and help her down the bed? If no one comes to wake her up, she'll just lie there in bed, eyes open and helpless.... I can't do this to her! Fine, I won't tie my hands together. I already cleared the room of any sharp objects. God protect her. Because I fear I won't...
 
Ish, incoherent me. This whole journal's a mess. I will go back to the story. So Nixie is kind of flustered about everything, Verfi herself is not the happiest eel in the pond, and certainly the crew have many things left to digest. Tallion seems fine, but now he's trying to lift some spirits up and to me it's just annoying. Sorry, Tallion. Not your fault. I just can't stand anything right now. Hah. I said I need someone to give me hope? Well maybe I was lying. I don't need anything. I can just bury my miserable gold coin and go cry in a corner, like I did just an hour ago or so!
 
Anywhoo, we had to take a rocket down on Aviriath. But first we were supposed to wait for the night, for some reason. I suspected they were preparing our welcome, which was... weird. But... so be it. We went back into the chest and everyone tended to their own business. We had a discussion on what present we should buy for Nixie, actually, because her birthday is coming up on the 11th of November. Drenizek and the crew were already preparing something, and Verfy was quite upset we weren't included, but they offered to share, they were just a little... shy? to bring a gift together with us, since they were just the crewmates. I guess Drenizek can be quite thick sometimes, hah. But even Vas was on board with this weird notion! Poor them, they actually think of us so highly so as to put us on some pedestal? I mean they can do that with the rest of them, but then count me in as a crewmate, please. Though, I do believe there was another subconscious reason at play here, which I will not delve further into. There are few not yet hit by Axe-Eve and I really wish to preserve the little that is left of my dignity. Especially since my potential for horrible thoughts and words.... ah to hell with it I already have them, just because I don't write them doesn't mean they're not here! Well, at least I can cover them..
 
Any'whoms't'ven't, we decided on three gifts: one from the crew, one from the rest of us and one from everyone. We would make her a captain's hat with various symbols on it. I personally am nervous to make or buy any piece of clothing or fashion for Nixie, because she has very specific tastes and I wouldn't want to ruin her aesthetic, since I'm a bumbling drab who only wears curtain covers. As for the "us" gift, it was going to be a weapon, of course. Arming Nixie sounds like fun, and I'm sure she would appreciate. She really is a dangerous woman, I'm not sure people get that.
 
That evening, I resumed my light-training and I tried to help Lullaby with, well, everything. It really puts things into perspective, when you take care of a person like Lullaby, who has to depend entirely on you. When it's a small child, you get this degree of separation. "This is not me, I'm a big human". But seeing Lullaby makes you think how vulnerable and weak we all are, at all points. I think actually that she's very strong, but it's complicated. In any case, I was tucking her into bed when Bart came to me.
 
I didn't want to let him in.... I was afraid. That room was my safe space. Here, I have Lullaby and you, false fiendish friend called journal. I can rant my anger in you and resume being there for Lullaby. It's a place where at least I can, to some degree, control my madness. He came crashing into it bringing with it everything that makes me the worst being ever.
 
I was expect... haha, hear this dear journal, he came to talk to me about his GOD FORSAKEN STUPID TRAINING ON THE STUPID PLANE OF STUPID WILL. Yes, yes, that's what I wanted to know, how Damaschini and him have these issues in understanding.......... the planes of reality. Great. We are in the middle of a hostile dimension, seeking to stop the destruction of the World, we have demons on our shoulders and in our souls and I haven't felt his touch in like 1 million years... and he comes and speaks about things that make me feel so far away....... I was looking at him, and felt an urge to just cry. I had the worst flashback I've ever had in my life... I can see it vividly. The damned beach off the edge of Gessen. In the middle of the night. Tallion talking, and me feeling somewhere, far away. That urge to just have him kiss me already, but no, he would just say hurtful things....
 
Bart wouldn't say hurtful things, but he kept going on these topics that... I don't know. I felt I had nothing to talk to him about......... What a feeling it is, you know.... No...
 
* smudge*
 
Sorry, I smudged you again.... I can't! No! Can't write about this damned day! He would leave, after realising there was literally nothing we COULD talk about. I had secretly hoped for him to come, all right!? I admit! I'm an egotistical idiot! I wanted him to come and caress me and talk to me and make me feel the love I bear for him, but when he DID come.............. Nothing! Nothing happened! I felt empty, and confused, and this sudden emptiness hit me, like you would pull the rug beneath someone's feet. I lost balance and crashed. Is there nothing left!? No, can't be... Please..... Am I that bad!? There' no one else to blame. It's not Bart's fault, poor guy. He just has no reason to love me anymore. And I... What am I doing? Can I be so weak? I felt... nothing. Empty.
 
I had to go cry in Lullaby's arms, as if they could ever wrap around me and comfort me. Somehow, still, it was a little comforting. At least Lullaby can't reject me... She's the only person that will stay by my side, because she has no choice, hah! What if I run away. I just take Lullaby and we go roam the Orshag. I would get caught in two seconds... And Lullaby would die. I can't. But I can't stay here, I'm too ashamed.... Why do these walls have doors!? I hate doors! I'm going to block them. I need thicker walls. I will try to find a room even further back this stupid palace. I want something beneath the Earth, 3 dimensional pockets away from this place....
 
Kill all the joy that I could ever find, will you? Kill everything. No, not you, Balan! Me! Me! Only me! Me! Me! ME! ME!! My revolt is stupid. Everything I said here is stupid. It's not God that is cruel. It's not the world that makes no sense.... No... I see it clearly now. The world is good as it is. There is hope. Just not for me. Because I'M THE BROKEN ONE. I can hear it in my head. I can hear it screeching in my brain. That cry. The last thing Lullaby said, before she went dead silent. Ah I can't stop feeling . . .
 
*smudge*
 
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Hello. Long time no see. Several days later, here I am, making the same mistake of writing in you again. Careful not to let anyone see it. We are in a prison, you see, all of us. Well, Vas and Marc can't read, so I positioned myself between them. I keep Lullaby in front of me, so I can watch over her. How did we get in a prison? Haha, long story... But yeah, it was quite the ride..
 
I decided on the quote for the whole journal entry, which is going to make more sense once I get to the end. In any case, resuming my ranting.... I had the worst night of my life, that night. I cried the entire night. I tried sleeping, but I dreamt I was crying. I dreamt Bart would throw me off a cliff and then I would climb back only to shout at him and to start crying. And I woke up really not in the mood for anything. I took Lullaby's food and some for me and got back in the room. Unfortunately, we had to leave for the Orshag..... I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. I was NOT in the mood to talk. Fortunately, they mostly avoided me as well. I focused on protecting Lullaby from these weird Orshag guys. I don't know, I felt uneasy the whole way down on Aviriath.
 
When we reached it, Alidag led the way on some sort of platform, from where we had to climb some steps. What awaited us was the most show-stopping view I'd seen yet. A long pathway made of white stone, flanked each 100 meters by long, curved poles. To the right and to the left was the capital city of Khartaan, but near the wide walk they had built some huge stands, decorating them with hundreds of Orshag flags. On the stands, as well as on the edges of the pathway and in the surrounding area.... tenths of thousands of soldiers and onlookers. We watched it all in shock, from behind our near-invisible bubble surrounding our heads and protecting us from the poisonous air around. These people were chanting war songs and shouting "Glory to the Orshag, Glory to the Dominor" or something like that. They were so many, so cadenced.... So.... I felt scared. And appalled. We were supposed to be secret...? Oh well, now we were CLEARLY going to be weapons for the Orshag. Some may say predictable. I just think that, at this point, we just roll with whatever people expect us to do...
 
The spectacle was intimidating, not in the least because of huge screens which showed us walking about... We had these big Orshag Stoa guards (some elite mutant soldiers) marching behind us. I was reminded of those walks of triumph some nations do when they parade their captives, or the spoils of war. It's like we were some treasure stolen from an enemy camp. Hah.
 
In any case, we arrived in front of this big castle, well palace, well, building. It was far larger than any construction I have seen in our world. But to all its size, it was kind of ugly, and empty on the inside. We got to see a lot more Orshag Stoa, before being presented in the middle of a huge assembly, presided by the Dominor himself. This Dominor is the leader of the Orshag. He made a flashy entry, as if to showcase his prowess. It seems the Orshag value personal prowess, both physical and mental. They respect power, in any form, but power. Oh well. Cute allies.
 
The Dominor announced that the Orshag would now crush the Commonwealth, given that they had us, the people from other worlds... It was obvious that they were planning to use us for an invasion plan. After a short speech, he told us to wait a little before having a meeting with him. We barely had time to see our new quarters before we were called in a high chamber, with a glass dome as its ceiling. It was quite a nice room, to be honest, and the Dominor proved to be a shockingly respectable fellow. Especially since Nixie and Verfy and Tallion and even Bart to some extent care not for any protocol or order of speech, and they did interrupt him a bunch of times. I could see the other four generals who were there drop a sweat, haah. But basically the Dominor was presented with the story of how we wound up there, what we were after and what was going to happen to the world. He believed us, strangely enough, and looked as if he was worried by this new enemy. He was very pragmatic in his approach and wanted concrete data on how to combat Xantinya, which was nice enough, but... That's our problem, too. Conventional war logic doesn't work on her. Nixie tried to explain it to him but I think it just sounded like we couldn't make a proper description of Xantinya's powers, because the Dominor would then request a list of her abilities.
 
In the end, we were to give the Orshag a lot of info: Xantinya's powers, info on arcane and magic, info on the planes of reality and their manipulation. In exchange, the Orshag would... help us stop Xantinya? It was unclear. What was clear was that now we were "allies". More correctly, assets of the Orshag.
 
I was tired. Tired of being a shadow in these things. I didn't feel capable of getting involved, I know. That just made me more tired. Sometimes I think I should excuse myself from these events. Stay in the background more. Anywhoo, that night was going to be a harsh one, too, but then Bart came again. I felt the urge to stop him from entering, knowing full well how it would end up, but he seemed determined to enter, and I couldn't refuse him. That was a good sign on my part, but still, I was afraid of more bland conversation that would make me think I had lost all I had.
 
Sure thing, it began weirdly. Bart had caught me combing Lullaby's hair. She has beautiful hair, and no one cared for it till now, so I had decided to mend that. Bart asked me if I wanted to make her bangs or something. Why would I ever want to do that. It would just imprison her gorgeous wavy blonde locks hihi. But then Bart wanted his own hair braided, so oh well let's do that then. I love Bart's hair, so that was a... mildly better time for me. Plus, I got to touch his hair. Which was... I think the first time in a long time. Bart told me about a fight with Nixie. It seems he didn't know what to do so he came to me... And I wanted to cut his damn hair off. Bastard. He came all this way for that? Remember last night? Are all men obtuse oafs!?!? I'm starting to think I was way too harsh on Tallion. He was not the oafish exception. He was the oaf-rule. I mean, how can you pick up a conversation from the wretched disaster it was in last time out by starting on a topic like "Nixie and Verfy were scared of my POWERS". Again, the powers thing!? The inter-dimensional ughghhghghggh I was so furious. Still am. I want to help Bart, whenever I calm down... But I didn't feel like discussing Nixie or Verfy or POWERS. I wanted to... well, I just wanted us. Because that's what was wrong the last time out, right? Am I too selfish? Probably am. Bart had a serious issue, he was conflicted and needed my aid, and I rejected him like the sad petty whore I am. He looks at me for advice because he cares about my opinion, and needs it, and I can't see it. I could actually help him, but oh no I choose to be stubborn egocentric and idiotic! Suits me! Oh well!
 
I must've had the same emotional process back then because I backpedaled on my anger and tried to help him, I explained to him the conversation was nevertheless hurting me, but he didn't seem to want to stop right away. He wanted me to tell him what I was thinking. Why? What kind of idea is this... I'm trying to avoid this?
 
I had to tell him something. So I started blurting out some nonsense. Well, not nonsense, but Axe-Eve stuff. I guess. I don't know. I told him about that last night. Ugh, fine. I told him that at some point I wondered whether I still loved him. Did I tell him that, or was it just my mind.... I was so afraid... I trembled like a leaf. I surely told him I pondered on whether I should be with him, or whether it would not be better to ... be with Nixie? Ha. Hahahahhahahaa. Brain funny. Brain dead.
 
Can you imagine the climax of our boat journey, in my idiotic head, is whether I should make a life-altering back-flip concerning.... whom I should be with!?!? WHILE THE WORLD IS DYING!? What is wrong with me!? And, leaving the pathetic nature of it all aside.... Why would I EVER think about leaving Bart!? What in the name of the 1 Hell and 9 smaller duller Hells called dimensions am I on about? I started crying and I started cutting my own hair with a pair of scissors. Ah I brought sharp objects in the room! When?! How!? Why!??! I thought about that later, but yeah... Bart stopped me and held me tight and hugged me. I told him I had lost him. He was funny about it, almost made me smile. But... In all honesty.... I don't know what he felt. What he thinks about it. I still don't know whether I truly lost him. The hug, it felt like everything was fine, but... was it!?
 
I must say, my obsessive nature has finally reached its paroxistic culmination. I am almost proud... Nixie has no idea. Or does she? In any case, I think that's why Bart was upset at her. Well now I don't think I helped things in any way..... Am I that stupid...? I can't lose Bart. At least I felt then that I still love him with all my heart, in spite of my stupidity. Obviously those doubts and thoughts I had were miserable monstrosities, but I can't deny their existence..... I wish I could, but I can't, bloody damnit! And maybe other people sometimes have them (though I doubt it), but no one would ever find out. Some thoughts should NEVER be known! But... I am an open book, and everyone can read at leisure. Maybe I should actually give my journal to whoever wants to read. It's only fair. They can read whatever I write on my face or just ask me. Eve is dumb, Eve will tell them.
 
Needless to say I felt like garbage for the remainder of our stay in the Orshag. I could write some more about our stay, about the captain's hat and so on, but.... I really have nothing to say. Really nothing. As for why we're in prison, well...
 
Last night (I think it was last night, I don't know what today is) I was talking to Damaschini on the balcony of our palace quarters, asking him about his progress on the whole star essence bottle thingie. As we were talking, we both saw something on the horizon, somewhere far into a still industrial quarter of the capital: a flare-like explosion of blackfire. Damaschini simply threw himself off the ledger and started flying towards it. I was so surprised I turned back to tell the others. Damaschini said he was going to fulfill his promise. Huh? Confused, I told the others. Tallion seemed to know what it was about. The blackfire flare could only mean one thing: Miyun.
 
Verfy said we should follow him, so we rushed in his pursuit, aided by some ORshag Stoa who were supposed to guard us. We took a car and coursed through the capital following the flying erlagon, till we reached the industrial district. It was eerily quiet in there, only some sound from steam escaping valves, and the occasional guzzling of liquids in pipes. High atop a metal girder, surrounding some kind of pole which had its top on fire, we saw a figure. It had slightly glowing yellow eyes. Damaschini stopped before the girder and wanted to go up in the air to the figure, but Miyun - because it was her - climbed down.
 
I had seen her before, back then, in that cursed day... Her eyes had been like the eyes of a lion stalking its prey. Now, they were different. Beneath those unsettling long eyebrows, in the yellow of her eye, I saw a soul. But a soul consumed by anger. Miyun had come for Damaschini. But not to reunite with him. She had come to kill him. Or rather, I suspect, she was let loose.
 
She drew her scythes, monstrous intermingling of blackfire and xenatine. When I saw the amount of xenatine on those weapons.... I gulped. It was.... no, not inhumane.... it was downright devilish, and yes, I know it's Xantinya's work, but even .... How.... why would you ever do that to a child!? Beyond the xenatine, though, I sensed real anger, real fear, real pain. The xenatine just amplified it a hundred fold. Miyun faced Damaschini with a trembling voice. She blamed him for the death of their friends, and she said he abandoned her. In all honesty, he kind of did leave her to her fate... No child should ever go through what Miyun went through. I wanted to help in any way, but... I was paralyzed. I am still amazed I reacted when I did. Miyun went on to dismiss Damaschini as her father. She then said the coldest thing I ever heard. "You are nothing. You are prey, and I'm the huntress".
 
She then clashed her scythes between each other, and wide purple ethereal wings, like that of Damaschini, emerged from her back, and she could fly. And she flew past Damaschini and tried to stab him with both scythes, but Damaschini stopped her blows. He tried to calm her down, but she then released a wave of arcane from one of her scythes. I saw the Xenatine dancing freely between the scythes and Miyun, burning her entire body. I was motionless. In some twisted way, I was ready to let Damaschini die. I knew Miyun could obliterate him and all of us. That much Xenatine, in the hands of someone who could wield it... Thankfully - weird to say that, but still - Miyun wasn't strong enough. When she did attack with both scythes again, Damaschini just turned round to face her, without resisting. The scythes sunk in his body, slashing through his armor, and I saw a burst of arcane course through both their bodies. Miyun was projected away, scythes still stuck in Damaschini's body, and a huge bolt of purple arcane burst through Damaschini and exited behind him, making him kneel. The shockwave almost made us all fall. I had finally awoken and rushed to heal Damaschini. My touch almost reached him, but somehow I managed to heal him even without directly making contact, thanks in no small part to all that disturbance from the Xenatine. But the downside was that I felt it, and felt corrupted. I took a step behind and tried to cover Lullaby. Miyun would continue to try to attack Damaschini. She grabbed one of the scythes, which Damaschini had thrown, and attacked him. She even tried to shoot Tallion with an electric gun, and that's when everyone started shooting at her. I was afraid her instincts would kick in and she would start killing us all, but - again weird to say it - thankfully she was too consumed by the Xenatine to think in any way. She was more or less becoming an unwilling vessel of unfettered hate. See how the quote fits? I felt my own monstrosity in that Xenatine-driven fury of hers. She would attack Damaschini, then she attacked Tallion but Verfy threw him away while Bart moved the ground itself to make Miyun fall. Miyun jumped over Tallion, though, because at this point her powers were beyond incredible, and she was driven by the Xenatine to simply attack anything. So, if Tallion was out of bounds, she would slash at whoever came next. That was me.
 
Behind me was Lullaby, so I would not budge. I braced for the impact and tried to keep myself together. She slashed her scythe across my body, from hip to shoulder, but alas, I managed to avoid her piercing too deep. Still, the xenatine burst within me, and I almost fell. I managed to hold my body up, to cover Lullaby, but.... The wound did not bleed as much as it screamed. I felt it, the hate, the fury, the pain, the love that was lost, everything, all at once, hitting me. Anguish, all in all, anguish of an incredible intensity. That bloody xenatine had it all. I knew these feelings already, God damnit, so it hit even harder. Nixie managed to conjure up a spell, freezing Miyun in place, and Damaschini finally caught her, broke her scythe and hugged her, but the poor girl collapsed and started spewing blackened blood. The xenatine after-effect was now in full force, consuming her lifeforce and corrupting her body. You see, the body always follows the soul, and the Xenatine had done damage to the latter, so now it was damaging the former in full force.
 
That's when the Commonwealth caught us. They were waiting, hah, the bastards. Obviously, they had brought Miyun here. I mean, Miyun probably was caught in Bethle or something, when she entered xy. And somehow she decided to lead them to us, so she could find Damaschini. The commonwealth would therefore be able to lure us in a place where they could take us down. Pretty neat. Oh, the leader of these Commonwealth goons is toilet girl! Turns out she faked her death. I did not know what to say to Nixie... I felt bad. I saw her fluster turn to bitterness and hate. I can understand why....
 
But the bastards did not know what horrible things they were doing... To use Miyun's story like this... Myeah. Now we are their prisoners, God knows where, far away from our mission, from our goals, from any friends we may have.... Miyun is still unwell, still aching, still unconscious. The xenatine is ravaging her poor body. Damaschini stopped her from completely destroying herself and us, but... the damage was done by that point. The pain she feels is deep. I felt it when she slashed me. She must've loved Damaschini and the rest a lot. I don't care what they say about her being half-animal or something. She was more human than we may want to think.
 
I believe that Circeks are human in some way, though. Otherwise this would not make sense. In any case, I would not wish it upon my worst enemy to feel as abandoned as Miyun feels. I hope she will heal. But... I think it will take a lot of time....
 
Until then, we should get out of here, perhaps, you know, save the world instead of writing bad journals? Hah, hear that, save the world. I just want to hide in some hole. I am that bad. Ugh, focus, Eve! Do your part! Lullaby does. She somehow still interacts with the world, it seems. When these idiots tried to carry her to her prison (she wouldn't move), some weird thing happened, where they stopped for a second. I felt it too, like an invisible cloud hitting you, gently, but still, a nudge, a weird nudge. Her spirit is somehow defending itself even without it knowing what is going on. Eve, you must do your part, good-for-nothing-whore! Maybe there's something I could do, too....
 
May the Almighty protect us all, and save Miyun.