Eenie-Meeny-Miney-Moe

"if fighting Evil is tempering and cooling the Sword, It can still break if made with the wrong iron" - a Torasian monk whose name I forgot
 
Hello dear journal it's me the sleepless Demon-infested Nutcase-Potato! I am very, very, tired, yet I did sleep a lot these last days. Maybe the demon is exhausting? I don't know. I fear my dreams, quite a lot.. A few days ago I dreamt I was strangling poor Lullaby with my own two hands, and I woke up absolutely horrified. I wasn't sleeping by her side, as usual, because we had to sleep in some tiny box-like rooms with just one bed and enough space to just crawl onto it.... Inhumane. But there you go.
 
To go back, dear journal I hate and.... ahahhaha I can't stop writing the word hate is it from the demon? I keep thinking about the demon every time I write everything, every time I talk, every time I think... I don't even think he instills so much in me any more, I do most of the damage myself. Oh I am very mad at the girls and everyone for thinking that "the demon talks for me" or something like that. It's not Eve, Eve wouldn't say this. Eve is too kind, she's a lil' poppy wee so cute so nice so cheeky.
 
Wrong!
 
Dead wrong! I am a monster. I am the one saying all of it. I'm the one thinking it. Yes, maybe the demon induces me, or encourages me, or lights the kindling. But I am the one thinking and talking, I can't be excused, I shall not be excused! I am 99% guilty. No, 100%, screw that. If these walls could talk, they would say "Hyan!" "Hyan!" "Hyan!". Ughghhggh I'm going insane, like really insane. I need some kind of safety net, a place I could go back to and regroup, rethink, re-become myself. I try to distance myself from everyone, to avoid further harm, I hate doing it sometimes I wish I'd do the opposite, sometimes i want to avoid them because I want to get rid of them. I don't have the right to have these thoughts, one thousand demons on me may be, I still don't have the right.
 
I don't like any of the feelings that invade me every day during daytime when we try out new stuff to train for or discuss with various weird organisations here in xy. I'm tired, I'm tired of thinking in a way of thinking I've betrayed already, which is wrong and hahaha fine let him have this one I am tired because we are all wrong! All are wrong and will be dead hihi hehe.
 
Did your fun? I can write this as I can write that, I can write both ways. Like the sword cuts both ways. I'm mad. And tired. So here goes... I'm gonna try to make sense of what happened the past 3 weeks.
 
We were mostly hanging out inside the Kataria palace, trying to figure out what to do next. It seems we were supposed to meet up with some strange organization that might have an interest in talking to and maybe helping us, unauthorized mutations as we were. I didn't know how to help, to be honest. I just wanted to keep my distance, anyway, but, more than that, I felt that I had no valuable contribution to make. Nothing here makes me think or feel, it's just... devoid. Maybe I'm beginning to be too much entangled with my own thoughts, to the point I can't see anything outside. I was afraid of that. I'm always pretty good at closing up to the outside world, I had pretty good practice back in my famous waiting year. But now I have a friend banging at the gates of my sanity, so it's not pretty anymore. Also, I've actually been a social person for the biggest part of my life. I just don't like idiots, and I happened to be surrounded by quite a few. But now I'm surrounded by people I respect. It feels a little bad to not be able to help them.
 
I don't like xy, too. It's... it's not the dimension itself, or even its people. I kind of love the aesthetic of it, actually. It's very... clear. And huge, and diverse, and dynamic. But... It's a huge mechanism and we are like a grain of sand stuck in between these kinks. We either break the machine or disappear in it forever, without changing anything. Depends on how the machine is built, and this one looks sturdy enough. We are lost in the middle of this maelstrom. We are supposed to stop Xantinya, but we get lost in dealings with various people we know nothing of. We don't have time to figure it out, and I can see we are losing our path, which we so barely started to draw in front of us...
 
Before they left to speak with the bartender and stuff, they once again expressed their worry that I can't handle this on my own. I already told them it doesn't matter if someone else stays with me, it'll just hurt them too! Why are they so obtuse with this? Ugh!!! It's like speaking to walls. Which I kinda do now anyway. There you go, nutty but still witty, haha.
 
Nixie actually said something which hurt me. I can't remember exactly what she said, but I vividly feel what impression she left me. That I waste away taking care of Lullaby, like it's some kind of monstrous thing to do, like I'd been sent to clean up the gutters. Someone has to do it, but it doesn't have to be you, sweetie! Oh, to hell with that! Do you only care for something when it's easy to do!? Do you have no interest in sacrificing anything for anyone, just for ideas, like these xy goons who only talk big words about death and life but live each day like they are little kinks in the machine, neither thinking of or doing anything for the life and death around them, for the lives and deaths of souls surrounding them?
 
Sorry, I get carried away. A wizard should definitely analyse me. Not you, Tallion, I'm no queen. But someone really should. I'm an interesting specimen. It's not fair to Nixie, no matter how much I wanna get back at her for her slapping Lullaby back then, which funnily enough I replicated some days ago when I had my hissy fit, maybe exactly because that's what Nixie had done. God, revenge goes in so many funny directions. Funny if people hadn't been involved... But, let's face it, it's almost comedic sometimes.
 
I know she sacrifices a lot. I admired her for her determination to stay in xy instead of returning to help her home. It took some big guts. Of course, she's always been capable of these big sacrifices. But what about more individual ones, which may be more annoying to make? She cared for Drenizek when he was sick, she took him in and stayed with him all day long and all night long. Then... Why can't she realise I do the same for Lullaby? Why can't she feel this is not a burden? I don't know, I felt angry then, but now that I calmed down, I'm just a little sad. Nixie probably said nothing wrong. It's my brain that's wrong. I feel that they are already separating me. They want the fun poppy Eve who came with them to their adventures, so they hate that I stay with Lullaby. Well, I made a promise. I want to stay with them too, but right now I'm needed elsewhere. I don't want them to see that as a burden and I don't want them to see that as a different Eve.
 
Come to think of it, they probably imagined me to be the arrogant sarcastic damsel I presented myself to be back in Ionolia. Which I actually was. I guess I changed, too. Not sure I would've had the patience to... oh wait, I did wait for Tallion that whole year. It does make sense. Maybe I'm just insufferable in general, and only Lullaby, who can't feel or understand what's going on, can hang out with me. Even the thought of this makes me so angry I want to throw a fit at someone. Screw you, journal! Serves you right for being the only one here I can throw my anger on.
 
As bad as I am, so far I have done nothing against Lullaby since that slap. Pfft, so righteous and strong, Eve! You've done nothing to the poor girl since you almost slapped her face off! Model-girl. Elder Aosthen taught me well, to nurture the life I see everywhere! Heheheehehhe. I was always a teacher's favourite. Then again, my teacher was dad, and I was his only student.
 
So they went to have adventures outside the chest. Turns out they talked to a guy from a "faction" called Alidag. You see, dear journal, Factions are these big multi-country things that rule over not one, not several, but a whole bunch of planets rotating around different stars. Yes, it turns out planets rotate around stars. I read about these funny Gavan theories that Earth moves around the sun. The Ionolian mages disavowed them and considered that the Sun rotates around the Earth, as was said by an old First Empire philosopher. The Temple in Marion was actually quite against the Gavan theory because the Gavans who espoused it were Sun-worshippers. And Sun-worshipping, as old and obsolete as may sound, is actually still alive in many places. Think of the Goznian concept of the Sun-Queen. Or the lore of the Soldinians, who considered the Sun to be an Angel of the Higher Circles. Man always tries to find a tangible thing to worship. God is too abstract, so He seems distant. And the big yellow shiny thing up in the sky that makes you and what you eat... you know, be alive... it makes sense to turn to that.
 
See, journal, I am even more Ionolian than you thought. I only talk about Sun and religion and random peoples that don't even exist anymore. Of course people find me boring! Can you imagine Bart ever feeling better after coming to talk to me? Hey, Bart, what's up? Hey, I'm sad. No problem, I can cheer you up! Don't you know that the Soldinians used to think...? And then, proceed with the snore-fest. Hm. At least I could make Bart sleep tight after a long day.
 
Maybe Bart would like me better if I talked less. I was seriously considering sewing my mouth shut with some stiches the other day. I'm joking, journal! Or am I. Haha. Is this the demon's idea? Or mine. Guess we'll never know!
 
Going back to the story, they succeeded to have this Alidag help us. Well, actually Alidag was very happy to help us, they barely had to add anything. He's a Nastaim serving the Orshag faction, which fights the Commonwealth. I didn't like the sound of that, one bit, and Kelly seemed to share my feelings. We're starting to veer off from our thing and get into xy politics. The Orshag seems to be happy to have found an out-of-universe force they can use in their struggle. We are some kind of prophecy gone right for them, though Alidag said he doesn't believe in prophecies.
 
We also needed to wait for some other xy-ans who might be offering us a deal. Oh, and Verfy and Nixie and Kelly had this talk with a Burk explorer who might have wanted to help us, but he seemed like a busy guy. It would take two weeks just for him to know whether he could help. And, since we had little time ourselves, we decided to go wtih the Orshag guy, but not before we listened to the next guys as well.
 
Since everyone was back in the chest, we could use some time for ourselves. Nixie paid Lullaby and I a visit, and suggested finding something to do which would help me express my feelings, so that I won't feel too bottled up every time. I told her about my fear for hurting Lullaby and of course my fear of hurting them. But, then again, I have a solution for them. Stay away. With Lullaby... it's impossible. Nixie tried to cheer me up, so she even tried to stand in her hands, which she did with great Elvish agility. I tried to imitate her and replicated the move perfectly with my Sylphlike grace, so naturally I fell like the potato I am, so hard I made a drawer collapse all over me, not before having Verfy save me only to get her leg squashed beneath the same falling drawer... Yea, I told you I'm dangerous! Sometimes it's just my stupidity that's at fault... Sorry, Verfy... Nixie's painting idea was actually very good, still, so I decided to try it. I found some materials which can be used to paint, and started working.
 
I had a nice little thought: Why do you have to paint something and ruin it, Eve, when you can paint your own ugly face? So I started working on my new creation. I mixed some dyes, but only got black and red with every attempt. Oh, well, Balan will appreciate, at least. So I started throwing colours on my face. But I wanted them to be lines, like I was whipped, so I can pretend to be even more deranged than I actually am! Think what faces the others would make! Hehe. That way they would really start thinking about putting me out of my misery. Not that they don't ponder on that every time they see me.
 
I worked on some interesting project lately. You see, I've had a very interesting discussion with Damaschini, about his bottle. He has a bottle with star essence, but it's all grey and mixed up. In our world, it was separate, a bright part, and a dark part. It was affected by demons, and it came to represent his own soul, in a way. A duality, both good and evil. In the spirit dimension, the separation was even stronger. But in xy, there was no separation. However, the good and the bad were not diluted. Elements of good and of bad lived together, side by side, mixed but not diluted one into the other. The grey was not made of grey droplets, but of white and black droplets all mixed up, so to the eye it looks like grey.
 
Fitting, I had to remark. I didn't tell Damaschini, but his attitude towards the evil and good in his soul sounded a bit... childish. For a while I even wanted to tell him maybe grey suited him better. But I just wanted to take revenge on him for the way he made Nerissa feel. I didn't even know Nerissa but I guess that's how my brain works now. Or, rather, revenge is in all of us, but we have a shield protecting us from exacting it at all times. We have a likeness to God in all of us, so we have an urge to be judges and condemn, when of course we neither know the law nor do we know how to condemn. Horrible things, humans. And conscious beings in general. Bleah.
 
Going back to Damaschini, his view is a little simplistic. Good and Evil in us aren't really separated like in the spirit dimension, rather the xy variant seems more accurate. Good and Evil are separate in their core, but mix up in the bigger picture in many things, so we can't really discern that well all the time. That's why many good things also have Evil sides. Does that make them Evil, though? Or just.. grey? What is grey, though? It doesn't exist. We have good and evil, no "grey" in here. But we have proportions, too. Let's say something is 80% good. Does that make it good, still, or just good-evil? Are good-evil things better than evil ones? They should be. But they are not good, either. You see, that's why I hate this world the Almighty built! If you're supposed to be good, but good can't exist in 100%, you just allow good-evil to exist! But Good-Evil is never enough!!!!
 
Maybe it's my brain that's too childish right now. Of course there's good and evil separate, like in the spirit dimension. Love is good. But our motivations and trappings for love can have a grey tone. That's because we are made of good and evil, and everything we feel and think brings a bit of both. But the values of the world are good. So, Good exists, but the concrete displays get grey tones, because we mix a bit of evil too. or more. Hm. So Damaschini's bottle was a good point. Still, to be able to take clear and poignant decisions, to be able to rise, you need to separate them, right?
 
At the time maybe I didn't think all this, but that's because I reached my conclusion earlier. That is, I rushed into it. It's not about separating! It's about defining. You see, dear journal who somehow doesn't get burned, hah I wrote who like you're a person, so, you see, Damaschini wanted to get the essences to be separate again. But back home that was done because of magical powers, which obviously worked to separate good essences from the evil. In the spirit dimension, the same mechanism worked, only with spirit, so obviously it was even more effective. But here, death has nothing to do with this separation. Death comes to level, not dissociate. So we needed something intrinsic to work on the bottle. And I thought of the dilemma of defining.
 
I know little about Light, but I do know that the essence of the teachings on Light is that Good is to be defined to be strengthened. A lot of people reinforce their Good by countering Evil. Damaschini was obsessed with this. He was obsessed by fighting. I swear I see now why he helped the Fastodans. The problem is that his fighting got him to where he is now. He was defeated and he lost those whom he deemed friends. He lost both the fight and his friends. And, to some extent, he lost himself.
 
Thinking about that, I remembered that old Torasian saying I used as my motto. I botched it, for sure, but the point was that when you fight Evil, you need to make sure the Good you espouse is strong in and of itself. People learn by comparison, but Good shouldn't be learned or perfected by comparison with Evil. The Sword is your soul, the Good in it is the quality of the steel. You may temper the steel by making contact with Evil, but no matter how much you try to test and strengthen your steel with experience, if it was never the good quality to begin with... it's useless.
 
You need to define the Good in you. Go back to the essence of it. Find the drive within you to create Good and make Good flourish. These inner trappings are hard to find and keep. Damaschini had nothing left but his fight. I told him to look for these inner links to Good. I told him about love. I don't know, I'm not a model. That's true. Balan knows, haha. But I think I am right. I don't really fight Balan. I actually fraternize with the bastard. What I do is that I espouse all the love I can muster to help Lullaby. I know it's basically useless. I'm not stopping BAlan, or chasing him away. I'm certainly not helping Lullaby. I mean, all she needs is for someone to help her eat and get dressed and so on. I do more. Which is useless. But... Somehow... It's good. Because it literally is Good.
 
I tried to explain something like this to Damaschini. But after he left, I started thinking about it for myself. Maybe that's a way I can help them. I have been for too long now a poppy idiot with no power. While they became so strong. Look at Bart! So I thought to practice what I preach. If Light is about defining Good, I can use these discoveries about myself to... create. Instead of using magical essence guided by will to make a spell, or let myself a willful instrument for a higher power (which I'm sure I can't do anymore anyway), I would define arcanic power, with no particular desire in mind.
 
I tried this daily, since then. It's almost impossible, because of the demon, but also because of this sleepy plane of magic. Wake up! I mean, it's sleepy because you know we're not in its home dimension, you get it. But I was able to feel something completely new. A kind of power which does not feel like normal magic. It's much gentler and more subtle. It's still magic, but it's not tainted by will, so it's much more versatile. It's still my magic, it's not real Light, but then again, I don't even want to dare dream about performing any sort of miracles. Plus, most of the Light they teach in Usa-Laominis is basically just this. It's not like they can teach you miracle-making. Do they? I never truly knew, to be honest. The few who do go to the very advanced Light lessons and/or get the famous red sash in Light do seem like miracle-workers. So, maybe those do.
 
In any case, I hope I helped Damaschini, if only a bit. I'll check up on him later to see if I can help some more. He feels lonely, and I don't want him to keep feeling that. It's not a nice thing to feel, at all. And Damaschini wasn't the only one feeling down. A day or so later, we had a discussion with Verfy on how she feels guilty that she doesn't feel regret when others suffer and/or die for the sake of the rest of us. It's not that she doesn't respect their choice, or that she doesn't understand they do this willingly and gladly, that all of us put their trust in what the others are doing, and then do the most they can to aid, as Drenizek put it. It's that she thinks she's not doing enough, and that she feels no urge to do more, or at least stop the rest from doing it. Which is bollocks. But that's hard to explain to Verfy. She's set an impossible standard... Also she thinks we do more than we actually do. I still think she saves us all, and she put her life on the line with little to expect other than death, and never, NEVER got salty over it. Remember her dash through mice in the Vazakis mines, or her fight in the Desolation, or her attacking Xixi's aggressors. I can continue the list, point is she's great. I know she lost people before, she never talks about it, and unlike Nixie I don't feel comfortable asking, because I don't feel I have the right to do so, even if I want to help... Oh, by the way, I was painted!! Hm, oh, and since Verfy tried to push the discussion towards me, I had my first taste of Axe Eve vs. Bart... Scary. I made sure never to put myself in that situation. Nixie actually went over to give me a cheeky kiss on the cheek, which Axe-Eve loved. I must say. Sometimes Nixie just wants to watch the world burn...
 
They talked to the next group of xy guys soon after. They come from a place called the Conduit, and they speak for the Chain, a construction made of 50 alive guys and 50 dead guys, each linked to partneres of an opposite... state of... life? I don't know how to say it. Wait what? Yea, 50 dead, 50 alive. How does that work? I don't know. No one asked.
 
These guys were also glad to help us, since we might mean something to their culture, too. I won't get into the details, but they believe in some sort of link between Life and Death which serves to organize existence in a linear fashion, but also a circular one. I think. That's what a chain is to me. A series of circles in a line. Or a line which can go in a circle, if you link the chain to itself. Semiotics.
 
We told the Conduit guys we'll be around, but haha we won't. Probably not yet. You see, we were going with the Orshag. I can already feel some consequences coming.
 
Some days later, we were ready to leave this planet, Bethle. Our destination: the Orshag's capital star sector: Tekkera Sul. Nicest name in xy, by the way. But how to get there in our... condition? Well, it seems that Alidag has prepared the road. We met him in the agreed-upon place (Agreed upon when they first talked to him) and he gave them watches with money and new identities. Say hi to Myrkis Nal from Nalba. I swear, it sounds like they just gave up on our identities. Haha. And Lullaby is Isqe Levet from a sector called Malai, hah! And I'm a "xenon purity inspector". If I hadn't known better, I'd think I test xenatine!
 
Once we got back in the bar the next day, the bartender subtly pointed at his cabinet before leaving, and we found weapons. Now we were ready to go to the Orshag. Well, weapons for those who could carry them. Unfortunately, my identity as a "xenon" stuff-doer inspector-er didn't help me get a weapon. Sad. We went out and for the first time in so long finally got up under the - real - sun! It felt so warm and friendly! Ah, I'm not turning into a Goznian, idiotic journal. I was just glad I could feel some real sunrays touch my potato-skin.
 
We went to their long-metal moving cars called trains and entered into one of them. We were supposed to go to a place called Tarrima Ne BroC which is translated as the Tarrima Square for Moving, which is funny, as I pointed out when Kelly told me. Maybe I'll learn Sari Newspeak, but it sounds way too boring a language for me, to be honest. Who in the hell capitalizes the last letter of words in order to alter meaning? Boring people, that's who.
 
The train ride was beautiful, we got to se how big Vatan Armodar actually is. The skyscrapers just keep rising everywhere you look, and many go horizontally too, like a giant fence of glass and concrete buildings. I learned what concrete is, by the way. Boring, too. It's like smooth rock you can shape to your will. Actually it sounds like magic, not so boring anymore.
 
We went to the Square of Moving things, which is a huge park with a big square in the middle, where there were some huge metal girders and huge long cylindrical objects pointed at the sky just leaning on them. Well, they were vertical. They're called rockets. Oh boy, we were going to fly off into the stars. I feared that. I gulped. The distance to the sun was already a number that, once I've heard it from Kelly, sounded horrifying. And we had to go multiple suns away... And the suns - stars - are very far way from each other, not like the planets and the stars the rotate around. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.
 
But no, it was actually pretty fun. We got inside the rocket through some moving stairs. Inside there were several big rooms, on top of one another, filled with chairs. The chairs were all blue and pointed in the front and comfy. In the front there were two screens, one showing what was below us and one what was above us. Smart. When the rockets started moving to the sky, we could see how Vatan Armodar would get smaller and smaller and the sky would turn bluer than black....
 
When the rockets started, I felt my body sink into the chairs. Which were very very soft and cushy, just for that, I assume. It was also quite loud, but I later found out it could have been much louder. A continuous bellowing sound of an explosion. And the image below us was fire, pure fire, for more than half the ride.
 
But then in the other image we could see a weird T-shaped mega-structure just floating in the black space. It was the Evo-centre, a building built... in space! Just.. floating! Because it doesn't even have air around...? Yea, the fewer questions you pose, the more you feel like you can understand. At least that's how my moronic mind works. So, this big T-shaped structure had many lights blinking on it, red and yellow and blue and white... Quite a sight. The closer we got, the bigger it revealed itself to be. It did have a weird distortion at each end of the horizontal line of the T. Didn't figure out why at first. Hah.
 
Once the rocket, now no longer cylindrical (it lost part of it on the way, it seems that part had been filled with the fuel that got us there) landed in the T-thing, we got on a platform. But before, we were told to activate some big boots. They were heavy-ish, but not too cumbersome. We also had to wear a costume and a glass bubble. We had to breathe the air coming from inside some tubes in the costume, because as I said the T-thing had no air around it. It did have air IN it, thought, thank God! Kelly said she read that they "make" the air here, it's cheaper than to "import" it. Whaaaa!? Too many questions already in my head. These concepts are so far away from me it makes me physically sick to think about them.
 
So we waited on the platform to get used to the feeling there. You see, on in space you don't stick to the ground. The very notion of falling if you fly and of.. standing... they just blur. I didn't fully understand it, but it seems in space you just float, and we saw this quite well when Bart and Marc pushed a button in Xixi's metal boots that made them stop working. You see, those boots kept us on the ground. Once they were stopped, Xixi started floating around. She was NOT pleased. Especially since other people were looking at us suspiciously.
 
It was an insanely long platform, the rocket had been parked astride. On the other side there was a glass tunnel, and a train was moving in there with big speeds. We took it, and it went really fast through some corners. Uncomfortable, to be honest. We reached another long corridor, with doors here and there. Huge metal doors. Again we had to be checked, but our identities worked well. At these doors we saw people and even immense crates and chests getting in something. That, we found out, was the Evo Drive, the ship that would carry us around.
 
The Evo Drive was this really long ship, filled to the brim with rooms and corridors. Many rooms had chairs with screens, others were recreational: we had a place for various sports, even a place you could work out and train (you can bet it was used by our fighters), but also a garden, and in the middle of the ship a huge plaza, here the ceiling was high and there were many floors with balconies all around it. And basically a huge shopping area with many nice shops. Since the trip would last for days, we had a place to sleep too. In some parts of the ship there were these box-like rooms, just high enough for you to squeeze in and just wide enough for a bed to exist there. that was all. I felt trapped in a coffin there.... The low ceiling however had another screen on it and you could make it show a night sky, or other images that might help you sleep and stuff. Inhumane.... I hated it. Kelly seemed to like it, but I miss the real sky, the real moon. I also felt too far away from Lullaby, who had to sleep in a box like this just above me.
 
Where do you change in here? They have rooms for that, too, apparently. For a huge ship, they really decided to cheap out on the sleeping areas!? I didn't get it. Anyway, at the beginning we all entered the room with chairs and a screen right in front, showing what was above the ship. Space, basically, a beautiful dark sky filled with stars. There were smaller screens looking at the side, and I saw a section of the sky more brightly lit, with more stars clustering in there. I believe that's the center of the Galaxy, where the big Black Hole lies. You know, the one we have to get to....
 
When the Evo Drive started, we felt nothing. Nothing at all. But, by God, we saw. The sky, the stars... they disappeared in a myriad of black lines, as if we had been torn from space and time. Which we actually were. The lines started getting less chaotic and instead grouped in nine thick lines, parallel to each other, over a white void.... And I was shook. We were travelling so fast, so out of this world, that what could possibly be detected by these machines of theirs that capture the image of the world... was the 9 planes themselves... or rather, an abstractisation of them, somehow. I imagine the 9 planes don't exist as such, there aren't 9 "pie strata" or however Damaschini calls them. But, in abstract, there are. Heh. A very interesting thing.
 
Yes, we were travelling fast. Because, you see, we were travelling together with the planes themselves. This space and time existed somehwere else, but was bent to stay near the Evo center we had been to. Now we were travelling to the next Evo center, with the speed in which planes "retract" and get back to normal. Or at least tending towards that speed. Weird speed too. Multiply the speed of light by 12 times 12 done twelve times. What a perfectly convenient number. And these people don't believe in God! "Information", "Death", bullshit. Information is just an instrument, Death is just an instrument. Perfect instruments, because they were built by Perfection. Whatever these people might say, whatever they may find in this world... it's just means, it's a small, puny grasp of the HOW. It doesn't tell you if God exists. It may tell you, if you listen to it, that God works with powers and understanding you and I will never reach.
 
Not in my deepest moments of despair have I questioned the existence of God. Only His reasoning for our existence... oh well.
 
On the ship there wasn't really much to do. My job was to stay out of people's hair, especially Bart. I really, really miss him, but I can't risk getting all Axe-Eve on him. I know he espouses his thick skin, but I'm sure he'll be sensitive to whatever I may sprout at him. I'm almost mad he doesn't try, to be honest, but I'm glad. I'm glad, but I'm mad. Mlad. It's a state of mind I'm quite familiar with.
 
Jokes aside, I truly want to get through with this without ruining the beautiful thing I have with Bart. My mind has been blurred of late, but at least I know that's what I should do. I'm starting to question many things, even this love of ours. Is it that real? It's a very young love. And borne out of a distressful situation, in my case, at least, but isn't it that distress clears your mind and heart? Yes, but... I have doubts and hate of all sorts. I can't deserve this. I never believed in fairy tales, did I? Why do I start expecting Bart to be my prince? God, I talked about him like he's some perfect knight coming for the little damsel. Uhghhhhhhh.
 
But I know that I must preserve this, fight to keep it. I will get better. Till then, hold tight and don't get too close. Shouldn't be hard on this big ship. I took Lullaby with me as I decided to explore some more. When I'm with her, whenever I'm mad or feel like hitting something, I look at her and remember what I'm doing. Hope this will continue to work... I'm afraid of myself. And it's not a nice feeling at all.
 
So may daily routine in the Evo Drive was quite simple. Well, at some point I came back to the beds we had near the others, but the first 2-3 days I stayed alone with Lullaby wondering through the Evo Drive. I woke up, checked up on Lullaby. Usually she wakes up at some point and just waits. It was a little distressing at first, but now I'm used. I help her get up and we both get dressed for the great new day through the Evo Drive.. It's hard with Lullaby, her old clothes don't really work any more, since little Rafil is getting bigger every day, so I had to actually try to buy new clothes. The ones Dillen had bought were adapting to your body, yes, but they were still too tight... I found special clothes for her state, thank God no one can mess up drawing a pregnant person on a label, otherwise this weird alphabet would have defeated me. Also, we keep forgetting, but these people don't speak our language that much between them. It's kind of like an international language(inter-factional?). Then we have to find something to eat. They actually have good food here, fresh vegetables and meat and stuff. Eggs of a scarily big variety (I'm talking bright yellow eggs here, like yellow shell!). Very good, by the way. Lullaby eats if I put food in front of her and give her the fork and the knife, and help her get the first bite or something. But not always. It's weird. I can't know if she's hungry, because she doesn't really show it. She clearly has the instinct to eat, otherwise I would have had to feed her continuously. She's so silent. It's actually quite calming. Especially since there's so much noise in my head. Then we go exploring. I found a "digital" (which is abstract, in-machine) library, and started reading. Since I can't understand the alphabet (I'm trying, but it's hard) I usually look at images. They have so many, it's enough.
 
I usually try to keep Lullaby laid-back somewhere, I don't really know what pregnant women need, but I do know she shouldn't have too much pressure on her legs. I've been trying to even exercise with her to make her blood get moving, she did get a little swollen at the ankles. Her right foot being completely hurt doesn't help either. You see, dear journal, she has this complex wound on her foot, like you would explode something underneath it. That's why she's a little limp. Does NOT help now that she's pregnant. Anywhoo, I usually then find a quiet place to stay and work on my arcane-defining. I try to imagine a sword-like seam of arcane, but I usually just get a small spark at most. Whenever I get too frustrated, I take a break and talk to Lullaby. And I have worked out how to interact more with her. You know that clapping game people do as kids? I don't know how the words go, so I just say Eenie-Meeny-Miney-Moe and clap hands with her and with my own, in a sequence. It was hard at first, but she got it, and now if I sit beside her and raise her hands in position and start doing it, she follows my lead!!! I'm so glad. I know it's just a reflex of some sort, but... I don't know, it warmed my heart.
 
In the evenings I would normally skim through Illien's Letters trying to remember clues for my Light exercises. I also tried praying, a couple of days ago. I had stopped after the whole Legondol disaster.. You know, I have a revolt to carry on. It didn't work out that well. I can't pray if my thoughts are vile, now can I? I mean, technically it shouldn't stop me, but I'm afraid. I don't want to pray like this. I'll pick a better time... I mostly try thinking about the others and pray for them. But I wind up thinking how I hate the very concept of asking God for anything. Which is not really what praying is. So I stopped. I'm stupid.
 
So I get Lullaby to sleep. I usually stay with her until she falls asleep, then go to sleep myself. Since I'm prone to boredom, I tell her stories. Usually from my Tall-Tales book. I haven't opened that since Iziper, I think. Why read her bedtime stories, she's not a child, plus she can't hear them. Meh, screw you! And you, journal. Both! I can read what I want to read.
 
Nixie actually found me at some point, she was very worried for me, Verfy was with her and they were both searching for me in the Drive. I told them what I wrote here... I don't want to endanger them. They brought me back and made me sleep, because I didn't sleep in the first days. I would guard Lullaby, whom I'd usually put in some cushiony corner of the ship. She goes to sleep pretty fast sometimes, very slow others. I want to get her moving more, I'm worried a little bit that she'll have issues. I don't want her muscles to weaken or anything. I can have her walk, but how do I make her use her muscles in other ways? I don't want to walk her around too much. That's exactly what I try to avoid. But the exercises are just me moving her legs around, that's not really helpful. Her back must hurt, too, so I thought helping her with some back rubs (I'm a secret queen of back rubs). But I can't tell if that helps. I know nothing! Ish it's so hard.
 
Nixie told me to switch with them at least for one night, but no. I won't have them worry this much, I need to find a way to calm them down. I'm fine! Just Axe-Eve sometimes, mostly when I'm with them. But other than that I'm fine! I also don't like sleeping any more, it's a dangerous activity. I will avoid it as much as I can. I need new Tall-Tales. I'm starting to repeat them.
 
Oh, Nixie and Verfy bought themselves perfume with Recycled Serum in it. Which is basically dead guy juice................. Why? I don't know. I don't want to delve into that. We were trying to find presents for Nixie's family, which was so cute. Little does Nixie know we are also trying to find her a gift. I actually found Drenizek prying around in the shopping area at some point, and I got him to tell. The crew are trying to make her some sort of gift, but have no ideas so Drenizek went to investigate. He has an idea and they already made the first steps in preparing the gift, but they would obviously want us to pitch in. I think Drenizek expected us to already have a gift for her, but he was happy to find out we had nothing so we could join them, haha. I still haven't found out exactly what Drenizek is preparing, so I guess I'll have him tell Verfy and I. Verfy has other ideas, which to me sound just great, and we can get Nixie all of these things anyway since we have money. At least this way we can use the Orshag for something.
 
Truth be told...... I don't like what we're doing right now. Maybe it's the demon talking, but I think we're naive and foolish. This land, this dimension........ It's not that it's bad. There are no good and bad lands, only people, and you can find people of all kinds everywhere, but... I get this feeling, more and more. I look at the stories of the erasing of that race and the void period in history, or the Zidith-sect, or how we were somehow prophecy-fulfilling for the Conduit and just the right type of help for the Orshag, and how the Black Hole in the middle is in the center of many religions and ideas... I look at the dynamics between factions, the belief systems, the way the gods "died"... And I feel like we're on the same chessboard as home. Remember it? Years of weakness, of disgust, of hate. Years of orcish invasions. Years preparing the groundwork. Like back home, this xy... It's the same. It's ready. But it's bigger, so the disaster here is far bigger. We're too late to stop any of it. It's going to be.... immense.
 
I can't let that demon rule over me, but still I can't feel better. Are we doing this for nothing? The game is set. The stupid game is set, everywhere!!!! I just want us to make one small difference, one move, one........... One thing that we define! Like the arcane. Like the sword. Maybe... I don't know, someone said it before, we should do our thing and not just counter what is going on. That's what we are doing now, right? I don't know what we are doing. I'm lost. Im still lost. More, even. God, am I so bad???
 
I wonder if I actually don't hurt Lullaby! Oh, my, maybe I'm moving her around too much and actually hurting her...... And I made everyone worry for me... What a mosnter I am......... Nixie is sad, I see that, she's sad at the vastness of space and emptiness of xy and this feeling of metal and coarse mechanics. I don't know how to cheer her up. And I just help her bring herself down even more. Is this how I help my captain? Also Verfy has been struggling with her dillemas, I should be there for her. Also Bart!! He must be hurt... But I can't. I can't... I can't do anything! I'm the numb useless one. Not Lullaby. Lullaby is there. One day, she'll be better. I know it. But me!? This is when I should be the one to do it right. I have taken upon myself quite big things. Can I do them? No, I'm just daddy's little stupid poppy girl lost in her own doubts. Why did I do this? I can't back out of it now. I would rather die.
 
But it seems I'm not doing a good job anyway. Well, then, if I'm that bad, I do deserve to die. I hope not, for I don't want any of them to go through this. I'll keep going, hopefully help Lullaby if only a bit. I just wish I could do a better job with all this.
 
May the Almighty look over them all.