Who is heading us?

"I trembled as I lifted the scepter. For me, it was heavier than mountains. Heavier than promises" - king Laren I of Vormiol, in his Memoirs
 
Dear journal,
 
Today was a hectic day yet. And this time we didn't fight. After that horrifying 13th of July, I don't think there could have been any fight. Even undead have to rest, right? Well, of course not, that's what makes them so dangerous. But, fortunately, we didn't have to fight for our lives just yet.
 
I will explain the quote a little later. First, I have a few things to say about the aftermath of the battle. You see, last night I had a little talk with Nixie and Verfy about, well, everything that had happened. I had sensed Nixie had made a choice without being very sure of it, and they both sensed my sadness. Well, dear journal, it was not sadness, just... A little bit of frustration, because in these weeks, well, month already (I know them for more than a month now) I think life placed me in a lot of contexts where I could truly start to understand them. And I think all of them are good, complex people who can truly feel things and see things. Well, different mentalities and temperaments and problems and little quirks make everyone react differently, but the strength is all there.
 
So I was a little frustrated and maybe even desperate to see how everyone had their own failings - including myself. Especially myself. I had doubted my own decision, like the hypocrite I am. I didn't tell the girls that, though. They would think I'm a lying hypocrite. Hypocrite-whore-Eve does sound like a logical chain of terms. Anyway, I knew Nixie was shaky in her choice, which meant that she didn't really concur with the new Ael Velle I had imagined for us. And it obviously made me a little sad, but no worries. I got to tell her in maybe more clear words why I had chosen what I had chosen, and I think I suceeded to get Nixie out of that bleak outlook which made her hesitant to raise these big, heavy flags which require so much conviction and the overcoming of such doubt to hold high.... I know because I lack conviction many times, and I have doubts all the time....
 
But I felt better talking about it, I guess. I really hope we will make this work. Our purpose. The Sylph-destiny. Everything. I even wrote something about this. I won't leave anyone behind, especially when I know we all feel the same, deep down. Maybe not Pullius; he has other people deep down.... Ugh.... I .... I will come back to this. I hope he is the same deep down. I really do. I just can't be sure... About him. And about me. We are the problem. Again, I'll come back to this.
 
Anyway, we had this nice talk, Verfys had come back from Xebec with his map it seems, and we talked about premonitions too. Why did Verfy have Xebec's map? I guessed the reason, and it made me anxious. Xebec is an unpredictable man. I don't know what he'll do if he's not going to be captain anymore. Anyway, Verfy was quite curious what we thought of premonitions. Nixie said something smart: life is a stage, maybe you can't leave the stage, but you can play your role how you like it. The stage is what the Almighty gives us: to each, according to how he or she can handle. Some are destined to be kings, others, to be simple peasants. All can fulfill their role to the maximum extent of their scene. So, no matter who we are, how simple or complicated, strong or weak, ugly or beautiful we are, we can and we should carry on with our role, to the greatest extent. Then, why not fight? Why not overcome? Right?
 
I feel weak and useless a lot. But I know what I must do. Maybe the Desolation is tiring our souls more than anything. You know, dear journal, this pressure on the forehead, whenever you think of matters of the spirit? Simplest to most complicated.
 
Next morning, I was feeling tired. Just that. Tired, tired and disoriented. I forgot to mention we were to choose our captain. We had been ruled by at least two leaders, Xebec as captain of the ship and Tallion as our leader. And of course Dillen who represented the crew. Now, we would vote for one leader, who could assume this role once and for all.
 
I wanted to sleep next to Bart. That's all I could think of. I needed a long, warm hug, to last me through the night. Oh well, some day we will get out of this horrifying mess and get back to some kind of normal. I know people died, people almost killed each other. I tried not to think of my own wishes.
 
We had the vote, dear journal. It was a chaotic one. Xebec proposed Verfys, as expected. Then, Dillen proposed Nixie, which was a bit of a surprise. I know they had this thing going on, where they whispered some secrets to each other, I saw them talk a couple of times about.. I don't know. And Laimon the cook proposed Pullius, of all people. Why the cook? Well, dear journal, last night Verfy and Nixie almost told me something about Laimon. There's something about him. That's because it's not a him, but a her. I am mostly sure. Not entirely. But the signs are there. Also, Laimon is kind of polite and well-articulated for a lowborn Alomirese cook. There's also something between Laimon and Pullius. The girls said something about it. Alomirese, enmity with Pullius, something regarding the war it seems... Could it be that Laimon is some girl from the losing side of the war? One of the noble families, or even the heiress to the throne? I heard something about an exiled princess. But I can't remember details... That would be huge. And problematic... God. Poor girl. Or maybe Laimon is a guy, but still one of them. In any case, I feel bad. He/she seems lost. That as much is clear. How much suffering can this boat carry...
 
Coming back to the vote, Naked-Heron proposed himself. I still can't get over what happened yesterday with him. That was not something normal, or even crazy. It was completely out of this world. I mean... Who could react like THAT to THAT situation? There must be something more here. There must be a curse, a ... I don't know. YEsterday i felt disgusted. Now I'm just worried. I'd like to help Heron. We should all help him. He is a good man, I'm sure of that. But he's pulling a Pullius here by not telling us anything.
 
So, we had four candidates. Well, no. Nixie refused to participate, I saw her shaking, she wasn't sure, but because of that, she probably said not to go in. So Drenizek rose up and had this fired-up speech about Nixie being his only choice and he decided to run himself, so that his first order would be to make Nixie captain in his stead, as he resigned. Hah. What a funny man. I still don't know how to categorise Drenizek. He's clearly not someone that can be placed among others in a neat category. He's his own thing. Hats off.
 
I didn't like the situation, though, because I felt none of them could unite the ship and its people. I must say, dear journal, that as things progressed, I felt this urge to rise up myself and run for the job. Only that... I am Nutcase-Eve. The day I lead as much as a turnip is the day that turnip, and all turnips, turn to dust. So... No. I couldn't. I thought of myself as someone who had some answers, who felt the Ael Velle. Ha. Hahahhahahahahahhaahhaahhahahahahaah. Yes. Exactly. Utter stupidity.
 
I looked at Bart. He understood what I felt, about our mission, about us, about the Desolation. He is smarter, more charismatic, more likeable. He could do it. My eyes must've told him to rise up, because he did. I smiled. I would follow Bart.
 
I have to confess something. When I first entered Pullius' room on that fabled early summer day, when I met them all, I thought Bart was their leader.
 
So there we go. Bart didn't get a lot of votes. Just four. Verfys got the most, but because there had been 5 candidates, we held a second round. Drenizek and Verfys were tied, 10 to 10. I voted Verfys, because she's a fiery warrior, who seemed to want to do this, while Nixie was too undecisive in my opinion. It wasn't a very easy choice, because I love and respect them both. I wish I hadn't been forced to choose between them.
 
You see, dear journal, I now realize Nixie might have been the better choice PRECISELY because of her undecisiveness. Check the quote. Anyway, it turned out that Nixie won, after all. Nixie herself had voted for Verfy (!!!), but then changed to vote for Drenizek - herself, really. So Drenizek won, he ordered us to drink his last two bottles of alcohol (which he had hid especially well) and then resigned in favour of Nixie.
 
Poor Nixie regretted, I think, but mustered the strength to make a very stuttered, but heartfelt speech. She'll be fine. We'll help her.
 
I feel at peace with what happened. Nixie has both the crew and us on her side. I hope we'll be able to brave any new threats better than we did so far.
 
As for the others... Problems persist. Heron is one. But we didn't get to that yet. Nixie decided to hold a session of together training - the most necessary thing I hate. And we talked with Pullius about his 2 instances of random violence. Well, not random. Of course.
 
I feel strength leaving my body right now. I can barely write. Pullius didn't listen to me. I explained to him how the demon (Axiol is his name, it seems) uses whatever feelings he DOES have in his subconscious, and exacerbates them or liberates them. Pullius only listened to the least important parts - which were direct accusations at his person, or perceived as such by him - and responded to that with his usual defensive rants. I wanted to punch him in his big magic-man face. God, why. Why. I can't. Is he stupid? Does he have ZERO imagination? It hurts. Again.
 
He then said that he felt frustrated that I had left him and then got together with Bart. Well, he used a nicer word, I think, but... the reality was there. And he said something like this: "I wasn't what you needed me to be at that moment". WHAT!? Am I such a bad person? God, I am. I wanted Pullius to be something for me. Something he wasn't. And when he wasn't, I left him. And found someone I wa... Come on. I have to be exaggerating. It's not like that. Is it?? That's why I have all these thoughts? I must be the villain of this story. God, I am.
 
What Ael Velle am I dreaming of?
 
You see my problems, miserable journal I want to burn together with everything else? I keep pretending I'm a sweet lil' poppy. I'm the miserable pile of sour grapes that makes you puke. I'm the blue leaf of the Dey plant. I'm the ....
 
I must find that letter and burn it. I have no right to explain anything to anyone.
 
***
 
I calmed down after five minutes. I have Bart. That makes sense. If it makes sense, then everything that happened before makes sense, too. Sometimes I feel even God will judge me. You see, if God judges me the villain, it means I am. But how do I know what God would say? Well, because that's what part of me says. There's nothing godly about that part, though. I know I have my own demons. And I think Axiol would pale in comparison to some of them...
 
Forgive me, the sinner.