Heirs

"Legacy can be embraced. It can be negated, it can be torn to pieces, or enhanced. It can even be forgotten, but never by the ones that turn out to carry it" - Lores I, king of Golas, in his Memoirs.
 
Dear journal,
 
Here I am wasting my last remaining energy on this useless piece of paper. Useless because I will never read this again, or if I will, I would just do it to torture myself or something. Even I can't be so stupid as to expect to be interested in such delusional, vapid, gross rantings. Ah but I'll power through it again, because it's one of the few things still linking me to an old self I feel I'm invariably losing. Why else would I continue this God forsaken habit of writing down stupid mentions of my quickly declining mental state, sometimes intertwined with short, confusing explanations of our party's doings and misdoings? You may even argue, scourge of a journal, that maybe the answer would be to be factual. "Just write what is happening". Oh, all right. Sure. I'd do that, if I were a person, instead of a walking, sometimes talking axe. Whenever I write about something that happened, I hack that to pieces and fill the holes with the literary equivalent of Mela. I know, I know... What does dung-and-straw made filling for walls used by Vormiolese peasants have to do with how I write my journals? Well, most about everything, from the smell to the ultimate futility. They say dung gets hardened, but it's still brittle, so you can break it with ease. Just like the flimsy narrative I'm building.
 
Well, in a last-straw attempt to muster up an actual chain of events, I'm going to stop here with the rant and try to make an honest recounting. I shall begin where we left off, a day after the party. Since head-banging takes some energy away from me, I had to lie down and generally rest that day. They did call me at some point to come with them to the Dominor, with whom Nixie had requested an audience. We had to continue our journey, and I knew that some important plans had to be drawn up.
 
We met with the Dominor in the same domed room we did the last time out, and it was a rather short and effective talk. The Dominor wanted the Zidith "incapacitated" for at least 6 months, which was a timeframe just relevant enough to make a difference in the war. The Orshag was already engaged in forging new war machinery based on our information, and was planning large-scale invasions of Commonwealth star sectors, aiming at ultimately conquering Prime Zeith itself. I felt many things throughout the meeting, but mostly disgust at participating in what clearly was the beginning of one of the biggest wars this dimension - and since this is xy, all dimensions - has/have ever seen - and which had NOTHING to do with the Apocalypse, Great Change, New Order or however you want to call it. Balan, your choice. No? You don't have a preference? I'm sure Master likes a good name. Xantinya went with the whole Order thing, since she also likes justice so much, but the Master strikes me as the kind of being to prefer a more Destruction-Domination themed name, like the Collapse, or another impactful title such as this.
 
Imagine having to rally demons behind a thing called "order". I don't think demons are fans of order. Necromancers are, though, so that makes sense. Or maybe I am being ridiculous, of course demons would like order if it's going to be theirs. And as disorderly as individual demons may be, I bet the Master is also a Slave-Master. I mean, "Master" says it all, right? And that means he' a fan of order, too.
 
Regardless, I didn't like the fact that we were part of this war, but... at this point, I gave up questioning whether we were on a good path. It got easier, I'll explain how, but in short I now feel much more aligned with what we should be doing. And it's all thanks to something very bad, funnily enough. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
 
So we established with the Dominor that we needed to prepare some sort of plan to take down the Zidith. We would have Orshag men with us, and Orshag apparel. More interestingly, Nixie asked the Dominor about the spy-girl who had taken us prisoner after the meet with Miyun, and we found out that she had been fed recycled serum from a couple hundred dead, which literally shattered her mind and as such rid her of any individual personality. Well, that just about made me feel this entire place is not worth saving, like Nixie seems to be thinking. I'm not an Elvish lord like her, I don't really have the authority to judge all things and ponder on their worth, so I decided not to continue this thought process.
 
Look at me, hitting at Nixie like that. I hoped I was past that! I feel the need to detonate such bombs every now and then, I guess...
 
Going back, the "toilet girl" as Verfy and Nixie seem to be calling this Elyana Cassati - the spy - was going to be investigated by a "specialist", a Coder from the Coder Mutation faction, who was working for the Orshag. He would arrive in Tekkera Sul in about a week to analyse her body and turn her to recycled serum or something. Nixie scheduled another meeting for tomorrow and decided that we should withdraw to deliberate. You see, we had to decide whether we wanted to hear more from this Coder, because we had some questions on the ways the plane of death functions here in xy. So we went back into the chest and I had to join in one of these things I can only start calling "big dumb meetings", where we all gather round and talk about plans that are invariably:
 
1. Designed only by Kelly and Damaschini as the rest nod in some sort of approval or disapproval
 
or
 
2. Made up while in the thick of action rather than at the big dumb meeting itself
 
or
 
3. Disputed over till they're dropped and never heard of again
 
or
 
4. Useless/inconsequential
 
The subject of that day's big dumb meeting was "how do we get to the Zidith?" And the answer, in very broad terms, was "planes of reality". I silently imagined hitting my head against the wall just from hearing that. The very moment I hear "planes", "of" and "reality" I feel this urge to hit myself, the person uttering the words and/or a hard surface. What, what happened to healing, training, strength at arms, wits, clever planning? What happened to the idea of pursuing victory by pursuing good? Now the only thing we ever consider is "But can we BeNd our way out of this?". I'm perpetually frustrated at these discussions, not because of the planes themselves, but because they are already put forward and used as simple bullshit commodities to facilitate our bullshit plans. Remember when using the knowledge of the plains was a very big thing, and a silent, secret war greater than all other wars seen ever was fought over that? Which ended in Sikorki eliminating himself together with the entire other side so that no one would ever abuse bending again? Yea, well...
 
We already gave this knowledge up to the greatest war machinery in all 9 dimensions, aside from the Commonwealth and ITA, maybe, which will probably also hear from it, now that the info floats about in the brains of so many liquefiable individuals. Well, that in a Nut-shell was my Nut-position, or my Axe-position, in any case my disposition was terrible, but as I had written before in here I wished to stay in the background. I hate getting Axe-Eve out, even if sometimes Axe-Eve, Nutcase-Eve and all the other Eves seem to agree with each other. As I said, I think Axe-Eve might just be a big fat lie, and it's just that Nutcase-Eve became even nuttier than usual.
 
Returning to our big dumb meeting, we first had to solve the question "Should we wait for the Coder?" Imagine this, we actually went through his credentials, to see if he was qualified to speak about such complex matters as we were prepared to have him explain to us. But before we could answer that question we needed to know what we wanted him to tell us, right?
 
Well, I think part of that had been discussed before we went to the Dominor, by this point I think that entire day was a big dumb meeting. Anywhoo, we had established that in order to reach the Zidith we had to somehow bypass the Commonwealth, so Bart jostled with this idea of using Cassati's many memory shards just for that. If we could separate memories one from another, and have a separate memory link to Prime Zeith, we could maybe perhaps create a channel - not unlike that of the Evo Drive - to travel directly to the Zidith? It sounded very convoluted and improbable, but it did present itself as a very neat solution to our many problems. Luckily, we had the Orshag to transport us to Prime Zeith itself. Still, getting into the Zidith area may be a lot harder, so...
 
Kelly sounded very invested in the Plane of reality thing. I bet. She admitted herself that she started talking and thinking according to how these planes work because they are so necessary, and Nixie would also later stress that we needed Damaschini ready to jump into action at all times because he can bend matter. We are relying more and more on powers whose use could cost us, in many unimaginable ways. I like to think that the idiot Glaive-wielding self-righteous asshole who trained Tallion (huh what do you know they were quite similar at that time maybe that's why Tallion chose him) would have made us not abuse these bendings.
 
Well, in all honesty so far I don't feel we abused them (other than SHARING INFO WITH THE ORSHAG) but I still don't feel comfortable with going further and further into this mentality of "how can we bullshit-bend our way out of things?" What if the bending does not work, or leaves an unwanted consequence? Are we ready for that? Maybe I'm just annoyed at becoming obsolete. I was always useless to begin with. My magic is weak, my body is weaker. I have no arcanic powers like Tallion, or elementalist strength like Nixie, or white fire like Nixie, or wind woosh-woosh like Nixie (generally cool magics like Nixie), or skill at arms and strength like Verfy or Xixi or Kelly and the rest, or stealth like Dillen, or crating skills like Damaschini, or ... anything, really. I can heal, sure, but Tallion can do that better. I can cast arcanic spears, but Tallion can cast arcanic LIGHTNING! I can... swoosh with a sword...? Perhaps? But I'll never really hit anything. So, yea, having plane-bending as yet another thing on the list of things I can't do or can't really do any better than most people in the party... is annoying.
 
Getting back to the discussion, people agreed that we needed to rely on the Orshag to get us near the Zidith. Then we would use some other stuff. You see, Kelly and Damaschini started talking about how to get the chest past the many types of shields the Zidith may have. The antimatter shield, the motion-sensing shield etc. and of course visual detectors, i.e. thingies that see stuff and report to big guns that shoot the stuff down. So they came up with a way to account for all these shields: use some kind of sandwhich of chests. Our chests would be the first layer, then a layer of antimatter cloaking device, then a layer of neat metal surface, bolstered by Damaschini to perfectly reflect light and therefore be invisible, which would disintegrate if exposed to the outside world, then another layer of antimatter. And maybe repeat the layers some more, for safety. The result was... a bit weird, but sounded feasible enough, given that the Orshag had the technology and Kelly had the brains.
 
So, this was a no. 1 kind of meeting. Kelly and Damaschini worked out the kinks. Great. But wait, what about the Coder, you may ask? Oh, somewhere in between, I have no idea when, it took a while, though, we decided to go directly to the Zidith, without waiting on the Coder. You see, most of us wanted to waste 0 days in xy and get as soon as possible back to our dimension to stop Xantinya. As Kelly put it, though, we wouldn't make it in time for the invasion of the Continent. As Nixie and Verfy put it, it mattered when we would deliver that message to the entire universe. Makes sense, I thought, but I was also a little annoyed that there were a few who commented that the Continent had to be saved, that what about the Continent that blah blah as Nixie and Verfy, who you know COME from the Continent were clearly willing to look past it and at the bigger picture. I found it rude and unappreciative. Oh well.
 
So we were set to leave as soon as the Orshags and Kelly finished preparing the chest. We explained our plan to the Dominor the next day. The final version had us catapulting the reinforced chest above the defences around the Zidith and into the area of the Zidith. We had... ahem.... NO ESCAPE PLAN. I didin't comment on it because I felt that any escape plan hinged on our ability to tackle the priests of the Zidith, and we could not really know how to deal with that until we would be there (so this was a number 2 kind of plan). Very well, i thought, let's go already.
 
We would leave in two days' time. During that time we kind of went our separate ways and trained for our various things. After that we moved into the chest and some very tense days followed. During this time, our nerves would be streched out of bounds.
 
First of all, I got to have a very unexpected talk with Kelly. I was walking Lullaby down from the bathroom when I met with her. Kelly looked a bit concerned and even inquired about Lullaby's overall state, saying she wanted to help, if there was anything on the technical side that I needed to better take care of Lullaby. She was very careful not to offend me or something, which I found funny. My first instinct was to be mean to her, but I got over my Axe-Eve feelings and thanked her. She said that she regretted not being more connected to her spirit, like we were, which I found to be an interesting remarked. I told her at least she gets to direct our plans basically. Ah, the ever vengeful Axe-Eve! I almost chastised her for putting Nixie in a shade, after which my thought was that "well, Nixie deserves it for being a useless captain!" And then I saw the wall behind Kelly and fantasised banging my sweet noggin against it. Kelly must have sensed the irony but I expect everyone treats me like I'm some sort of sick person because she smiled very innocently and said that actually that's the problem, she feels that her rational calculated approach is only useful up to some point, and that she can't get beyond that point and that it's frustrating. She explained that her understanding of the planes of reality was that of physical laws applying to the world like electricity and gravitation and others I don't really recall. And that she knew she needed a deeper understanding. What she called a "meta" understanding.
 
I gotta say, as much as I rant in here about Kelly, I don't have anything against her. Oh all right, I have a lot of things against her, but I can say that about everyone these days. In any case, I wanted to help, so I talked to her about, well... stuff, which she seemed very keen on hearing. I talked about the 999 steps of Marion and Defining Light, among other ramblings. Obviously at some point I felt I started to deride things and even become well Axe-Eve about it all, so I stopped. Overall, I am sure I didn't help her, just like I had failed Miyun. I'm not coherent enough for this.
 
But around me another thing was developing. Miyun was far from accustomed to her new situation. She was basically a prisoner who was not held by anyone, a prisoner of circumstance. She had a big talk with Damaschini and the girls and Tallion and then disappeared, after transforming into a squirrel. What happened was that she was very desperately trying to point out to the world that she was in fact a monster, because of things she did, and was furious that nobody seemed to think about those things. Miyun thought that they saw only the things they liked about her, and ignored the rest. I can bet that was the case, since when asked about what a Circeks is these people allegedly replied "a creature that turns into a squirrel" conveniently not mentioning "creature that feeds off of the liforce of people by having sex with them". Whoops indeed.
 
In any case, I wasn't there for the thing, but I did hear Miyun turned very weird and started to actively try to seduce people in front of everyone, INCLUDING BART YOU WHORE GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM! Well you can forget about me regretting to help you you don't deserve my help go fuck someone else and turn him into an animal Bart is already turned into a bat - blind as he is.
 
Oh, I should calm myself down. I really, really like little Miyun, she's a very clever girl, and I feel she's good at heart, but her heart has been shattered and she's poisoned by her own twisted understanding of what she's supposed to be. But she is technically an unhinged fucking-and-killing machine, so of course I will shout again HANDS OFF OF BART!!!!!
 
I wish I could help Miyun, but I feel I would just shout at her, so I stayed away. She didn't come to see me or Lullaby. Oh you know what really annoyed me!? Damaschini NOT DOING ANYTHING WHILE HIS DAUGHTER AND WOULD-BE-LEGACY ON THIS GOOD EARTH STARTS FLIRTING WITH MY BART! The audacity! SAY SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING! Are you so impotent? Weren't you the leader of great armies!? Bah! I bet you were Xantinya's mopping boy the whole time!
 
God damnit, you know what, dear journal I suddenly love more than anything in the world? Maybe I should no longer be so hinged. Let's go unhinged! I had enough of this fatherly ignorance-based-love! It's easy to love someone when you ignore what that someone is doing! It's harder to love someone who actively makes mistakes and horrid stuff and you have to put and end to them! It's hard to love AND be responsible! It's hard, eh!? WELL DO IT OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL TAKE YOUR CHILD AND MAKE HER MY OWN! Do you think I can't do it!? Watch me! I will be the mommy of everyone! Lullaby to the right, Miyun to the left, and I'll take better care of both by having them collectively bang their heads against the wall like me, in a synchronised, beautiful, mesmerising fashion!
 
Whoah there, Eve, too much. Eh, perhaps. You know, these days, cooked up inside as I was, I couldn't figure what was going on with me. Most of my anger was replaced by sheer.... emptiness. I had nothing left to give. I could barely sleep, I relied on a schedule to feel like I was doing anything at all. The others mostly ignored me, thanks to me telling them to steer clear. Bart still comes, but I limit his visits as much as possible. I wondered then...
 
What if they would find me dead one of these mornings? Throat slit open by a knife? Or, better still, with my wrists slashed in that beautiful porcelain sink in the big bathhouse? Would they feel pain? Would they cry? Would they think "monster Eve"? Hmmm. I started thinking maybe that ought to show them, make them feel something, anything. maybe that would wipe off Bart's smile!!!!
 
Yeah, I could easily kill myself. What's all the fuss about suicide anyway. Killing someone else is very hard, yes, but yourself? You just have to let the thing killing you do its part. Once you're set on it, it's fair game. So I spent the next days laying out some cute suicide scenarios, I even made some sloppy drawings. Since I have no real talent, I had to draw stick figures on the canvas Nixie gave me. I was very graphic with the blood though.
 
Ultimately, killing myself sounds like the best outcome for Axe-Eve. After all, Axe-Eve is me. I am the monster. Not Balan. Balan may just as well be gone already. It's me. It's always been me. Slaying a monster was a childhood dream. And I'm lazy. So I want to slay the most readily available monster around, oh, that's me! Convenient!
 
Ahem, returning to the story.............. Miyun would be very mad at them and would run away and would then stalk some of the party members and be altogether very threatening. I didn't really see her lurking about, but I heard some tales from others. Yellow eyes glaring at you in the dark, shadows moving on the walls, and a feeling that you were watched and... sensed. she would later come to her senses and apologise, after talking to Damaschini. The girls then had another talk with her, but that was after the Zidith.
 
Ah, here we are... the Zidith. I feel so little energy left to actually discuss it. I will try, but... the suicide thoughts really drained me. You see, I sensed some familiarity with that one line Lullaby uttered before falling into her state. Poor girl thought that she should die for her mistakes. Her mistakes being believing Zarkuz and Gilders and therefore losing Bajid, I think. I felt that, deep in my bones, that line, and now it sounds with some familiarity in my ears....
 
Anyway, not the time for that. I'm struggling to maintain composure, and some semblance of... faith. Hope. Things like that. I took up this fight. If I prevail, I know I'll be much stronger than before. If I fail.... well, I heard hell has a nice set of trees you can hang from.
 
When we finally emerged out of the chest, we were met with a gloomy sight: another one of what they call industrial districts, with huge metal domes all over. in the distance, however, we could see a giant looming over the dark horizon. it was night and the sky was covered in thick black clouds, no stars or moon to light it up, just the lights coming from the ground. But in the distance we could see the Zidith. A huge building, more than 700 meters high, rising almost like a human being, but with eight long arms, 4 on each side, and the 9th arm, like a head, rising above and almost disappearing into the clouds. The Zidith was black, but also lit by so many small lights, or so they seemed.
 
The Orshags readied their cannon and we went back inside the chest. The cannon fired and the chest flew past everything and landed somewhere. When we got out we found ourselves in front of the Zidith. It was.... a sight I'll never forget. The Zidith pulsated with electricity, like blood flowing through veins. Each second, a pulse of immense energy would come from its 9 arms to the centre, were a huge symbol - the one resembling a wasp - was shaped. All around the Zidith you had these huge metal boxes that contain those calculating things called computers. So we got plenty of things to hide behind when some priests of the Zidith came. They were dressed in red-white robes and wore white masks with gaps for eyes pointing outwards and downwards, like the red lines on the Zidith's symbol. The priests went by some computers located right in front of the gigantic Zidith and starting pressing buttons with what seemed to be robotic fingers. They did so at amazing speeds, and kept doing some stuff Bart and Tallion later explained. They were recognising and replicating sequences of codes, basically searching for information provided by the Zidith and extracting its meaning.
 
At some point though, we saw the priests acting weird. They started mumbling, and our helmets translated their words as "war". They were very baffled, it seems. Then we got to know why. "War with the ITA? It can't be" one of them said. Oh, yeah.....
 
Then it seemed that the priests received direct text from our own whispers!!! Confused, Nixie started whispering "don't go to war with the ITA" hoping to dupe the priests, but that was just translated as code which specified that someone said these words, it was not transmitted as actual summary of the information itself, you know... So the priests transmitted the info as "war with the ITA" or something...
 
But then the Zidith started pulsating differently, and its core lit up even more. I forgot to mention but the soil there was covered by metal and on these metal floors were so many pathways for electricity, and they all started to be more and more charged. And then the Zidith started processing some very weird information. The priests read "Nernixis Ibryiil-Aellevansar". And we panicked. And then it transmitted another message, "So we meet".
 
And then more happened. Some metals at the base of the Zidith started to melt and then fuse together in something altogether different. The others said they snesed bending of reality. Probably. Certainly. As the metal was being moulded, and smoke would rise, we all froze in our respective hideouts. The priests watched on, baffled as they were.
 
From the smoke arose a figure. A head, or a mask, a white mask, with subtle contours of eyes, a nose and a closed mouth, but without any holes. Behind the mask, God knows, but on the sides one could see pointy Elvish ears made of the same white metal. A sort of robotic form composed the rest of the being, roughly shaped like an... Elf. Probably. But you could see tubes emerging from between metal sheets, and the form was not that of a body, but rather that of machine parts cobbled together. The abomination had just one black tear beneath one eye. A voice was then heard, a strong, but completely grey and neutral voice:
 
"VAELEN NEL ARTHIN"
 
That. Was. Old Elvish. Upon hearing those words, upon feeling the triumphant vibration from them, I knew, without a shred of doubt, that we were now facing one of them. The Elves that followed Xantinya's son, the children of the Demons.
 
What kind of machine was that? What kind of creature was that? He seemed nothing more than one of those AIs the xy-ans have. But no, you could feel behind the mask the sheer power and... emptiness of that being....
 
He addressed Nixie directly: "So you are the heir of the Elvish King. I thought you would be greater" Nixie was scared, and we barely started to emerge from our hideouts to face him. She didn't know what to say, and kept repeating "why did you come?" But oh he didn't come to us, we came to him, for he was the Zidith, all along. He was the power behind the Commonwealth. He had been the one receiving all that energy all that time, gathering information from the entire xy and giving... directions... to this huge faction, that ate up whatever he spewed as the objectively best decisions to be taken....
 
I knew then just how devastated xy was, and just how much we had to save it. It and the whole world. For xy was just perhaps the most advanced trial of a system that, perfected and exacerbated, would be implemented by Xantinya in all 9 worlds...
 
Much to our credit, we stood against this Soreoth, son of the Lord of Rituals - Baphomet himself, the prince of Hell. Fitting, for the son of the great manipulator of information to manipulate all the information in xy. Nixie and Verfy announced that they stood against him, as Soreoth announced that the world would soon come to the end they were expecting. It seems he had awaited Nixie's arrival, in order to join this ending of the world.
 
Marc was the first to attack. It wasn't really an order, but someone raised the question, and Nixie seemed to answer positively. Marc took matter in his own hands and shot. Then, as the Elf, ignoring the attack, started moulding a rocket-thingie from more metal from the Zidith, Damaschini rushed to confront him, followed by Xixi, Verfy, Drenizek and Bart. The rest of us just stood there, unsure what to do, what to say, where to go....
 
Damaschini tried to stop the Elf, but he was stronger, he had a mastery over the planes of reality that was beyond any of us, that was clear even to me. Xixi tried to hit him with Lullaby's sword, but failed and even lost the sword. The Elf actually tried to take it, but Verfy managed to hook the sword to a grappling device from the Orshags, and took it. Then Xixi used it to cut the robot's head, but... expectedly.... it didn't work. Some viscous green... goo... of sorts... glued the head back to the rest of the body. Was that... I don't know what it was, but... at least it was clear this was not just a machine, I think. Well, it was an Elf. A memory of an Elf, or so it felt. But what a monstrous indiference... when he proclaimed that our world would end, he did it with little to no care for it. It was merely his mission.
 
Nixie braved him, but as Soreoth left in his rocket, I felt her resolve falter. The Zidith lit up, a huge burst of energy surging it one last time. The rocket, as it was flying in front of the Zidith, was charged by hundreds of electric bolts coming from the Zidith at the same time, and it disappeared out of sight, launched by a huge gap in the very fabric of reality itself. The Zidith then started to disintegrate as an after-effect, and we rushed back into the chest as we ran like hell from there. There was no one to stop us, all the priests and the guards around the Zidith were running too....
 
We made it back into the chest. We had a moment to draw breath, and then we started talking about what had just happened. It was... shocking... for most of us... Nixie especially was taken aback, to say the least. We all took turns comforting her. She was very fearful that we may not live to see good prevail in this world, given that Evil had such power... but most importantly, it hurt her that her own kin could be... THAT. I understood. The others talked about hope and the such, but I knew the problem. That thing... that machine... It could be her, too. Why wouldn't it be? That was an Elf. Like her. When you see what you can become... it shakes you.
 
Whenever I look in the mirror and I see the monster I have become, I have this reaction.. Like looking at Soreoth, but it's actually me, so it's even worse.....
 
Well, somehow, after all this.... Tired as I am, I can't help but feel a little better. Strangely enough. It's because... well, you see, Nixie is not a robot. She brought us here, like Drenizek said, and that in and of itself made her the heir of the Elvish King. She is the leader. These Elves were expecting something like that. Soreoth said she wasn't as strong as he expected. Hah, you'll see, filth.
 
I can finally feel we're on the right track. I see it. The chessboard. The pieces all seemed dead, yet that small devious little pawn almost made it to the far end of the board.
 
The tides shall turn.
 
This may be the last positive thought I'll ever put to paper. Hope not.
 
May the Almighty protect them and give Nixie the strength to carry on.
 
P.S.: the girls tried convincing me to let them stay with Lullaby for a week or two. I refused. I can't let go of her. I won't. And now I'm trying something else too. I want to find out more about her relationship to the sword. I think I can reach her through it, somehow. That sword holds a power, of some sort, not on its own, but through Lullaby. If I can understand more, maybe I can help Lullaby help us even in the state that she is in.... I feel that she deserves that, a chance to help. She lost almost everything trying to come and help us. She deserves at least that.
 
I really grew very fond of her, dear journal. Well, I am fond of everyone in this stinking chest. hah. I am all over the place, ain't I. Dirty whore that I am. Well, off to some sleeping attempts, I guess. I feel so alone right now, so lost, but as econd ago i felt hopeful. ah, it's so tiring already... But I can't crack now. even if the thought... the thought does seem encouraging... no. no. enough.