Betrayal

"Were they true, the imaginations of civilization? Or is man just a high beast?" Termi Hasap, in his Considerations on the Fall of Gava
 
Dea... Filthy journal I hate.
 
Ah, I can't hate you. I can't love you either, though. You record all my successes and failures, as well as those of people around me. I stayed true to you, and wrote whatever happened, come what may. I mostly write about myself, 'cause eh, arrogance and egocentrism.
 
I really want not to hate you. It feels wrong. But I have lashes of anger now, and very few things to direct it on right now. I'm supposed to stay upright and feel nothing but good feelings. To overcome anger and fight it with love, like Sea taught us. But, hehe, you thought Nutcase-Eve learns? You thought Paper-girl-Eve assimilates? You thought poppy-Eve grows? You are so, so wrong.
 
I look back and read a lot of chapters I wrote here in you. It's mind boggling. I had moments of great, true happiness. I had moments of great sadness, or anger. I never had hopelessness, not really. I don't feel like wanting to begin... But there's a lot of dark thoughts in my mind as of late.
 
I'll try to be more organised. God, Eve, you can't hold a single promise.... I promised I'll try to write something coherent here.
 
So we went to sleep after the funeral, and Nixie woke up in the middle of the night to tell us about a dream she's had. A very ominous-sounding one, with demons and her family and signs. I didn't like it. I fear for Nixie's safety. She's our captain and probably is more of a target than we are, as a result. A lot of pressure on her, too. It's hard being the leader, and I respect her very much for never openly trying to dodge her role. She might not be the strongest leader on most occasions, but when it really matters, she's there, tough as a rock. You'll see what I mean.
 
We went back to sleep hoping things will be better in the morning. Alas, they were not. There was a strange mood on the ship, as if a curtain had fallen, and all the grey, dusty backstage could be seen. The crew were more than distraught. I could feel something was terribly wrong, and when Nixie told us that Dillen wanted a discussion with the whole crew on deck, I immediately realised things were indeed very bad.
 
I think we all realised that the decision we had made to not yet tell the crew of the underlying reasons we were doing this journey had just massively backfired on us. And it hit me, it hit me that we had been awfully hypcritical. Leading a fight against Evil, but on a boat of people that we couldn't trust with this truth. Basically, fighting Evil with people who were not free or conscious about it. Hah, there you go. Goody-too-shoes Eve agreed not to tell them. It's funny how reading some books makes you think you have a morality. I must confess, even if I exact revenge, am petty and behave like a mad dog every now and then, I liked to think I had some kind of underlying moral fiber. Yea... Turns out that came out to bite me.
 
The Almighty, in His wisdom, chose to teach me a lesson in humility. I'm not good. I'm just as bad or worse than the average small tyrant who recruits troops for his petty wars. It really doesn't matter if the war itself is actually not petty, if I treat it as such by bringing to it an "army" of clueless people.
 
Well, going back to the boat, indeed, the crew now knew that we had some other purpose. To fight the End of the World, as Dillen put it. Dillen started speaking for the whole crew. He basically told us how they all dreamt the same thing, a dream which unveiled our purpose of fighting the Doom, and how they were lead into that without even knowing. Obviously, the dream was a demon's work. But that had made them all the angrier. A demon showed them the truth that we, the goody-light-fighters, couldn't. A demon protected their interests more than we did...
 
Dillen was furious, as were all of them. I saw it on their faces. Dillen was almost not himself anymore. He obviously reveled in this role of righteous rebel, but behind the opportunism I sensed real outrage. And out of all, it was Drenizek who hurt me the most. I like to think of Drenizek as one of my closest friends. How we got to this was both sudden and beautiful. And now, in his eyes, I saw the question: "why". Why we had been silent, and so disdainfully denied him and the rest of the crew knowledge of what was actually going on. It's not like the end of the world had nothing to do with them....! I was gutted. I felt my whole will and soul collapse.
 
Dillen had a whole speech. On how we had betrayed them, on how the contract (orally concluded, as it were) between us was breached. They wanted a new contract. One where they would leave us in the first port and continue on with the boat as theirs, and with guarantees of properties in Alomir. They even gave us a draft! I was shocked, beyond any imagination. I had lived with them for around two months now, and I saw them often. I am starting to know them. They wouldn't have agreed to such a cold-headed approach. It was something else. They were so done with us they had resorted to cold contracts. They wanted to get rid of us as quickly as possible. I looked at them. They .... They were hurt. And scared. But most importantly, outraged. Maybe they felt a connection to us, which was now gone. Maybe they thought we had treated them as partners, and we failed. Actually, they said that to us, a little later. That we treated them as footsoldiers, slaves, when we had been equals all along (two parties to a contract - that's why they brought the contract up!). They felt that we were equals, but now they realised we had treated them as our soldiers. And they were right....
 
Nixie pulled us to a room to talk about their proposal. In those blasted hours, I got to live some weird feelings. First, I couldn't mutter any words. But they wanted me to speak up. So I said I can't ask anything of them. They wanted us gone. I wanted us gone. I wanted myself gone from my own self. That's how it feels! Regret. Not regret of an action. No. I had that already. Regret of one's own being. That's not good. I know that. I know as much. You can't regret yourself. But I felt that, and I realised how weak and frail I really am. And how evil. I had allowed this to happen. Well, all of us. I couldn't disagree with their decision because I wanted only suffering for me, and could see no reason for them to keep us around.
 
We were traitors. Traitors to our cause, which could only enlist willing souls, fighting of their own volition. The problem was twofold: first we treated them like soldiers, instead of equals and, dare I say, friends. Second, even if they were only soldiers, we were not fighting a normal war. We are fighting the war against Evil itself, coming into its full manifestation on Earth, bent on bringing down Good for all time. Such a war requires a choice. We HAD TO tell them what they were fighting. Or else, we would send people who did not know why to a War which required free and engaged souls. We fought on the side of Good with people who were basically sent to the front lines to do our bidding, knowing not why or to what end! Just like Evil does it! Like these Fatorarkians, maybe, or like the undead in the necromancer armies.... I have never felt more disgust towards someone than I felt towards myself. I could say the rest were guilty, too, but... the rest were the rest. They have their own thoughts and conflicts. They might have excuses. I know for a fact I have none, so I won't spare myself.
 
There I was, furious at me, at us, and adamant that we deserved this. And there was Heron, who suddenly was very enraged towards the crew itself...! Apparently they were babies, and in the wrong. They had overreacted. Overreacted!? What? How!? We had betrayed everything we were supposed to stand for! We had thrown in these people into such a huge war, the biggest war of them all, without them knowing anything! How could they fight it!? It doesn't matter why! It really doesn't....! And what, they had to be nicer to us? For what reason? Traitors get no mercy. I didn't understand Heron. I saw him go against everything I thought is right. I mean, I am stupid, and more Evil than I liked to think I was, but... I can still judge situations based on what should have happened. Should have, according to some semblance of Good in this world. And Heron cared not for that. He cared that we were in charge, and they had to do our tasks, without questioning it and rebelling against our decisions.
 
Nixie agreed with him, sort of. She didn't like the crew's reaction, I understand she was personally offended, I think, but... I don't know, I lost a lot of faith in our ability to actually lead ANYONE to a good purpose, seeing all this. I clearly lost all faith in Heron doing that. He talked like a Woranian noble, commanding his men and angry at their disobedience. These people think we can put ourselves above the crew, because we know more or because we are stronger or have better blood or something. As if Verfy is a noble, or Nixie, for that matter. Heron is kind of more infatuated than I thought possible. I misjudged him.... And Nixie had her weakness, her anger, which I didn't understand then, but did later. Nixie is wiser than me, in a way. Her immediate reaction was to defend herself and attack the crew by saying they were exaggerating. Then she apologised, from the bottom of her heart, to them. This way I think her mind remained more intact than mine.
 
But Heron was adamant in his attitude. Fine. He even said something which completely ruined my good opinion on him. He said that wars are not won by idealism, like the Ionolians think. Excuse me!? EXCUSE ME? That's how you fight Evil? By lies, and deceit, and sending soldiers to their death, on the field? That's the instruments of war!? I am idealistic for admitting we made a horrible mistake, for realising we are failures!? Maybe we're irredeemable. With mentality like this... I didn't want to take part in this.
 
I genuinely felt, in that moment, that I wanted to be anywhere but there. That I wanted to somehow leave them, like the crew. But go alone, because I didn't deserve the crew. I wanted out. It's a crushingly sad thing to admit.
 
Bart then opened his voice, and voiced the opinion I knew deep down he would have. He said it is our fault, that we had to apologise and that we could at most try to convince the crew to stay with us in this fight, but that we had to give them a choice. Verfy advocated very strongly for a "Second chance" we would ask them, also agreeing they had every right to leave us. Tallion also had the same opinion, I was rather surprised, actually, he felt it right. For the first time in a big while, he read the feelings of another person in a correct manner. He really is growing.
 
Well, I am Eve. I do not give in. I stayed adamant that there was no forgiveness for us. But I conceded to their plans so that they would leave me alone. At that moment, I just wanted to disappear. I still felt that I loved Bart, and that love reminded me of the good things in me. I couldn't just torpedo myself out of there. I loved all of them and could never leave them. Now that I write this, I feel a little better. Too little, too late, I guess.
 
I still felt out of place in their midst. I also betrayed them, with those thoughts, you know.
 
When we came back. Nixie spoke to the crew. She was really there. She presented it to them as is, the world as it stands, and its impending war. She apologised and she was all-round awesome. The crew were not phased, not a bit, but that's because what she said in the end didn't matter as much as the betrayal they felt. Oh, another thing. Nixie thought too much feelings were involved in all of this. Well, it's feelings that undid in in the end, and I think Nixie realized it too. Ironies of life.
 
Well, her speech did make a few changes, I think. Drenizek raised his head, I remarked. He loves her. I can see it in his eyes. He wanted to hear this. He still hoped we were not as wretched as we looked at first. And I think Nixie helped him realise that.
 
At the time, however, I did not feel like there was reason for hope. I just wanted this to end faster. Please, spare us this humility. Or actually, we should feel as much humility as possible. I wanted the torture now. I heard Vadrek and Lafk'u and the others all giving their opinion. Lafk'u especially made a harsh point: they thought of us as comrades in arms, and we betrayed that idea. They placed their trust in us, and we didn't trust them with the necessary truth. They respected us, and we gave no respect for us.
 
I was almost crying. I saw how we spoke to them from the risen part of the ship, which is at the helm, and they were below, on deck. Like we were the nobles, and they the soldiers. Hah. Heron might like this hierarchy, but not me. I went below, to see them eye-to-eye. Like I did that, pfah. I couldn't look them in the eyes any more.
 
Then things got even more intense.... Dillen asked us if we had anything more to add. Sensing a trap, probably, Nixie stammered a bit. What did Dillen want? The snake said "Maybe that Laimon is a girl?" and I froze. Then I saw Laimon's face, she was unfazed. I immediately realised the crew knew already. Verfy realised it too and immediately added "and that she is Isbel Lofkia". The faces... The shock.... Isbel did not expect this. the Fastodans were angry. Swords were drawn. Dillen rushed to defend Isbel. I realised the two have probably planned something together. Now, it all unfolded. And it was potentially deadly. The Fastodans looked dead set on fighting ISbel and whoever wanted to defend her. An outraged Orman joined them. The rest grouped around Dillen.
 
Nixie and Verfy and the rest came down to get between them, but any attempt by them to solve the dispute was for naught. the Fastodans considered that now Dillen had betrayed them too for siding with the enemy. So much betrayal.. I didn't know what to do. I had to stop them from killing each other...
 
Thankfully, Nixie and Verfy intervened. Verfy talked to Isbel, and told her not to seek revenge, because Dillen had shouted that we had to agree to pay for our mistakes to the crew, all of us, clearly meaning that Poleus had to account for his mistakes towards Isbel. We were now all broken. All destroyed. Friendships collapsing... I was sick, physically.
 
But then, the only person not yet on one side or another stepped in. The mad drunkard proved once again why he's somehow the wisest of us. Drenizek declared he would take both the mantle of the Fastodans and that of Isbel and be their weapon of revenge against Tallion. For the Fastodans, it meant fighting the betrayal of the party, but also a potential ally of Isbel. for Isbel, it meant enacting justice in a trial by combat, against Tallion. So, he proposed a duel to the death between himself and Peolius. And when the Fastodans argued that they didn't want Drenizek to die for Isbel, he argued that he would die for them too, and that if they drew their swords, they should be ready to see their comrades dying. If that's what they wanted, then they should go all the way and let this duel happen. If not, they should all drop their swords.
 
And Verfy immediately dropped hers, and urged Isbel to forgive Tallion and not let revenge consume her. Nixie made one step further and gave Isbel her sword, saying she had the absolute power to decide Tallion's fate. It was a very intense moment. I felt that young girl's mind exploding. She could do either. She probably wanted to kill him, at some point, but part of her didn't. She was not the same girl that boarded this ship, of that I'm sure. What is certain is that she made the decision to spare Tallion, and make him promise he'd repay her by restoring her to her title, the one her father had reserved for her. And Verfy talked the Fastodans into giving up on their murderous plans.
 
Things were happening so quickly now. Everyone was confused. The underlying fight we had with the crew, on our betrayal, was brushed aside? But no, it couldn't have. Luckily, Drenizek pointed us back in the direction of the big elephant in the room. He told the crewmates to express their feelings on the matter, now, that they knew about Xantinya and the end of the world and Isbel and the such.
 
They all voiced their opinions. Most were reluctant at first, but conceded that they wanted this boat to stick together, as Drenizek put it, we are either together or apart. Only the Fastodans seemed unsure. I think they could leave us pretty soon. But not for the same reasons they all wanted to leave us now. There's something weird about them, I've always felt that. They have a separate calling.... One I fear.
 
Somehow, they all said we'd stick together, in the end. I felt that the problem hadn't been solved. But...... They were beginning to accept it. What happened, our betrayal... Maybe they will forgive us. I didn't hope for that. Maybe I do now, a little.
 
We decided to have a party. You know, to cut on the sadness and anger and tension... Well, the party did happen. It was my birthday party, huh. They came and said happy birthday to me. Verfy gave me Sea's mask, and I felt no better, and that made me feel even worse! How dare I not feel better! I really thank Verfy. She cares for me and respects me. She shouldn't. Bart gave me a nice wooden sculpture of a peach which I found very cute. I looked him in the eyes and kissed him very softly and very slowly. I am not sure he understood it, but... I wanted to express I loved him... Agh! Why! Stop it, Eve. I will not resort to begging for his love! Not again! Not after the Tallion affair. Never again!
 
I was so angry, so angry... I drank like a bar wench that night. I remember only a few things. But those things.......................
 
Well, dear journal, it's funny. It really is. Remember proper-Eve? Who hated parties? Yea, I just became a twisted mockery of the very projection I had of the people normally attending parties. I was an epitome of frustration. I remember crying in the middle of the mess hall. I was a mess-hall, really. I also remember really wanting Bart, then really hating him suddenly, then regretting it and loving him again, all that in like seconds.
 
Then Tallion came to me and told me "Why do you always seem to bump into this type of men, who only read a lot?" Well, fuck you and go to hell, stupid crusty wizard! I am Evil and uncouth and all of that, yea. Well, fuck you too, journal! How can he say that to me!? Am i THAT CURSED? BY MY OWN PERSON?
 
God, I thought then, in a drunken haze, maybe I have a type, and it's called "men", and they all care about their stupid self-interests and really don't feel anything, or feel only sometimes, and can switch off whenever they need, so they can finish their stuff, their "important" stuff! It's not just the drunken haze, really, maybe it just brought up some underlying fear, that maybe any man I'd try to find would be the same.
 
One thing is certain, though. I kissed Nixie that night. Maybe she now thinks it was a drunken thing drunks do (which I will officially declare it was), but.... I felt it like a betrayal of, well, everything. Bart, myself, Nixie, God who has to witness my stupidity, even Tallion to some extent. 'cause I distinctly remember feeling this sudden urge to leave Bart for Nixie. Good thing I blacked out before anything else happened.
 
How can I look Bart in the eye after this? Or Nixie? And Tallion must think I'm a whore, haha.
 
But, really........ I can't face Bart. I cheated on him, that's what it is. Drunk or not, I did that. I don't deserve him. Actually going back on my thoughts, it's me who's in the wrong here. I am such a high-maintenance headache, of course no one wants to stay with me for so long. And I mean look at what a mess I am.... And in the end I'm the one screwing up!!!!! God............. Please forgive me, because I can't do that right now.
 
I don't even want to write anymore. I'm filth. That's what I am. Really. I have arrived at the bottom of the pit. To top it off, the next morning a big storm hit us, then the news that we were surrounded by a fleet of Fatorarkians. The Elves carved a path in the water, and Nixie pushed some winds into our sails, but we had to wander close to the shore in order to avoid the Fatorarkians (who almost didn't notice us) and we hit some rocks. More storm and more lightning meant that by the time we had escaped to relative safety, we had a broken front mast and a gaping whole in the boat, which no one could fix in time. We spent many hours trying to sail a half-sunk ship, because the entire lower level was flooded. Poor Xixi stayed in the frontlines....
 
Then again, I don't know, I have no feel for it. It was like I was a ghost. I was a soldier, irony of ironies, doing what I was told. I felt like nothing more. It's crushingly sad, really.... Why am I like this!? Where am I!? I want home. I failed myself and everyone. Maybe home has one last warm bed for me. But I don't deserve it anyway. And, by the Almighty, I love Bart. I don't want to lose him.......... I'm so afraid....
 
Speaking of which... After a few days in the Road of Storms, we finally made it into inhabited lands, at the edge of the Haunted Marshes. It was a cloudy day, with some winds, but manageable, compared to the constant storms of the past 3 days. The sky darkened, unusually, I'd say. I felt uneasy. The air was... unsettling. I can't really say why, I just felt it. Then, the winds suddenly picked up, but in all directions, it was chaos. But this chaos... It felt orderly, in a way. Coordinated. Like an invisibile hand drawing circles in the sky, and the wind would follow....
 
Then............. I heard it. A female voice, clear as daylight, almost soft and seducing, if it were not for an incredible, crushing hatred and spite that vibrated through it, shouting: "I come, I come, and nothing will stop it! Fear! Fear, all of you!"
 
The world shook. Everything. The boat, the sea, the air itself, shook. A huge red lighting bolt traversed the sky, parallel to the Earth, comin form the North-East and disappearing into the South-West. Then another followed in its path, shaking the Earth again. And we could see other lightning bolts going more or less parallel with these ones, to the north and to the south, far in the sky..... Then more waves, and more waves of red lightning. I could hear the voice again "You are afraid. Good! Be afraid!" and more shakes and trembles.....
 
I could barely stand up after that. Even now, as I write it several hours later, my hand shakes. This was today, dear journal. The first of September 858 After the Council. We are presently sailing towards a port, or a trading post in the Marshes, really. And I feel.... scared.
 
I'm a traitor.
 
The ship after that was visited by Elves. They said it's cursed. Just as they said that, we saw something horrible. A seagull was standing on the mast, but then it suddenly became a horrid creature, with black, twisted wings, red plus-shaped wounds instead of eyes, a huge grin with big teeth, and pieces of burning, rotten flesh, like tongues, falling out of it. Then, we heard something. I think it sounded like war drums. And then, more darkness. And... I can't repeat all the horrors.
 
And something's up with Nixie. It must be that dream. Demons are relentless. They probably want to break her. I must help her. I know she can fight them. I can't. Look at me. I'm more of a demon myself, really...
 
Now, we have to ponder... Xantinya has mastery over the skies themselves. Nature itself was bent to her will, if only for a fraction. Was it like this everywhere? Makes you think.... What will happen? The older me would've stood tall and faced these facts with hope and determination. Now... I just feel tired. Incompetent wench, I am. I'm afraid, though, that things are much worse than we, or even Tallion, thought.
 
Please, God.... Don't give up on me just yet. I can still be good. Somehow. I hope. I have reasons to, right? I'm just a monster. Monsters can redeem themselves.... hopefully.
 
* * *
 
We arrived in the trade post. Turns out there's people here who speak our tongue. Very... tidy people, who invited us to visit their leader, the Red Knight, who requires all travelers to have dinner with him. Well, I wanted to to visit the restricted areas beyond the trade post, but we went to the Red Knight, and.... turns out we had bumped into....... people from another dimension..... who were searching for Pooleius! Poleus! Pulluius! I don't know any more!!!! He wrote his name differently, and then Xebec laughed at him for changing from Tallion to Pullius to... whatever he is know, and the Red Knight heard and ordered his men to catch him!
 
Apparently Talion is wanted in another dimension. Oh, the Knight is a she, and all these guys she commands have some weird weapons that as far as I can tell could really hurt you instantly.
 
Xebec lost an arm, Heaven's sake.....
 
We wait. We are surrounded. The girls are talking to the Knight. Maybe we can get out.
 
*
 
Bart, I do love you.
 
I will not beg.
 
Please