Last straw?

"Something" - someone
 
Dear journal,
 
I'm in no mood for quotes today. It's a sunny but windy morning, and Xebec the captain rushed us all to board the ship. We leave Gessen for a third time, and heading for the Western Desolation for the second. Hopefully we'll make it past the Fools' Peninsula this time. Xebec plans to go through the middle of the sea to avoid any undead. Then return to the coast and follow it westwards.
 
I ... It doesn't matter. I think we both know what is more important. The day before.
 
It was not my greatest day. By a longshot. You see, dear journal I'm starting to hate (not your fault), we had arrived in Gessen port after two days at sea, returning from Vazakis. But before we arrived I had some kind of heartfelt talk with Talion, about everything.
 
I think he was worried about how I felt after being electrocuted twice in those damned mines. You know, making sure I'm not dead, so he could resume ignoring me. I showed him I was very much alive. In better days, I would've kicked him in the family heirloom (no, not his ring or his sheets), but now I just felt tired. Maybe it was the lightning, maybe it was Talion, maybe it was everything at once.
 
He was sorry he couldn't protect me, it seems. That was his entire shtick. Sorry I couldn't protect my wee little poppy, that always gets plucked. As Verfi would say, "bu-hu". I don't care about being protected. If anything, I hate being protected. I chose to enter those stinking mines out of my own volition, I wanted to feel I was part of this. No matter how weak I am, I can still do things, even if just with my mind. He doesn't seem to understand my choice. Also, he doesn't seem to understand the real problem. He was upset he couldn't save me from the world. I mean.... That's his problem? Saving me? Maybe he thinks his "Duty" is to protect his princess, locked in some tower, from the dragon. Thanks. I feel very safe from my prison. The prison of my own loneliness, where you keep me.
 
Dear journal, I told him that. I told him all of this and more, to his face. And his reactions said it all. Yes, he's awkward with any kind of words, but usually that was cute. It's not cute when you start realising he really doesn't have ANYTHING to say. He started rambling about what he liked about his journey with Liyaria and the rest of his old party, at some point. Huh? What was I to say. I almost burst into tears in front of him.
 
Sometimes I feel like he wants me to come to my knees and beg him, to stay put and worship him, love him, smother him. I told him that. I asked him "do you like to see me so weak?" and he said "I don't like to see you weak. I like to see you." ... Did he, though? did? he? no. He wants ME to care for him while he does nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe throw in a "let's see my library" and "What do you like most from our travel? I found the Monument of Life to be the most beautiful thing I had seen until then". Yes, while I poison my own soul with grief, regret, fury and desperation. I just wanted him to love me back. Is that so hard? Do I ask so much!? What does he want?? Anything at all?....
 
I'm not like this. I don't want to be like this. I need to smile. If I can't smile.... I'll die.
 
Dear journal, I didn't die. I'm still alive writing now. Maybe I'll die a little later. I mean, probably, given where we're going. I'm not ready to die, but I kind of expect it now.
 
Well, I did get to smile. You see, when we arrived in Gessen, we first checked up on the Black Sylph. She's so nice. I wish I could do something for her. I'm thinking... anything that can show her we care for her. She's a very, very fragile being, but so pure. If angels were children, I'd say. Maybe angels ARE children. Innocent, simple and pure. Well, she's not an angel, but she is anything but black, or dead. I feel her very much alive. Yes, maybe not in a conventional sense, and she has no physical feeling, but I know she feels strongly, very strongly, in her heart...
 
So... I was worried about the Black Sylph. I keep thinking about her. I don't know what to do. She's a unique being, I don't think anyone else can get to her, she's so shy. it's a miracle she's with us... but we hurt her, the Desolation hurts her, and there's nothing we can do, now. We are the only ones that can help her. I feel it's our job to heal her. My Sylph-destiny. Our. Far better than the peach-one.
 
We walked for a bit. She wasn't there, visibly, but I knew she followed me in her world of shadows. I told her we all like her very much and we all want to see her return home. She seemed to like it, because I heard some kind of giggling. She appeared out of her shadow world and grabbed my hand with her own tiny hand. She's so sweet. I feel so sad because of her state. I don't know...
 
She left, eventually, and I was all alone with my feelings. I had a lot of them. I felt continuously bad for trying Talion like that. Maybe I'm too fussy. I should be glad I even got to tag along. Maybe I should just be happy for all I have right now, and continue to love him and wait for him to love me back. Eventually. Obviously, that was not a good thought. But at that point I was too much engulfed in self-guilt.
 
I was alone on this promontory, watching the sea as the sun went down. Then suddenly I heard someone sit near me. I thought it was the Sylph, but it was Bart instead. Initially I wanted to leave and go farther, but Bart was actually very sad too and I felt he had something to say, so I listened. It seems he wanted to apologise for some comment he made while Talion got knocked out by magic down in the mines. He said something like "you like this too much" when I was trying to wake him up with a few slaps. Well, he was a total fool then. And he apologised for demon-Eve, too. He was so honest, I felt he is just a bad joker with a good heart.
 
I kind of regret saying he has wits but no brain. I think he is immature, that's for sure, but not all the time. He... Uh. Oh. Well. He made me smile. It was a nice evening.
 
I immediately felt guilty. I could've spent this time with Talion, but... Talion wouldn't have made me smile, probably. That's bad. That's very bad. Don't worry, journal, I'm not falling for Bart or anything. He's just nice. I just hope he never finds out I like blondes. It's bad enough he got that I enjoy his company. It'd be worse if he found out I enjoy his looks too. He's cheeky, hope he doesn't do something.
 
I had another talk with Talion in the night. I wanted to calm down after that nice evening with Bart at the sea. Oh yea we even had a good time swimming, well, floating. Well, just me floating, Bart wasn't so good. Oh God, I went into the sea with him, I was far more cheeky than he ever was... God, Eve. Stop it.
 
Anyway, I had gone to the sea late in the night, to cleanse myself. I needed some kind of reset. Calmness, and peace. And a good bath. I left my clothes on the seashore and went in the warm water all naked. That's the life. I love it. Just as I was floating around, I saw someone near my clothes. It was him. Talion. Why? I don't know.
 
I wanted to run. Run away from him. But I had no clothes on. I had to take them? How? I couldn't. Maybe sneak behind the camp and borrow something from the rest. But Bart was singing there. No way. I had to face Talion. I did.
 
He let me dress myself (at least that) and then we went back. I wanted to have a walk, now that I had to talk to him. Maybe see what really went through his mind. But he wanted some tea, and gave me some too. I said I didn't want any... He never listenes.
 
Nevermind that. The whole thing was.... I cried a lot that night. I think I cried the entire night. I even shed a tear while talking to him. You know, dear journal, I wanted him to kiss me that night. One last shot. One last push to finally see that he does love me, that he does want me. Well. It was for naught. He is so scared of me... Like I'm demon-Eve. Maybe I am some kind of monster to him. He said I'd been awesome to him... Hm.
 
I don't want to talk about it. The discussion. Of all things in this world, it was the thing that made me feel I look forward to dying. Well, after we get the Sylph home, that is. He showed his colors. Has no power of love, maybe. He only fears me. He only thinks about his mistakes, not about me. Only negative thoughts, nothing positive... He doesn't want it. Well... I told him I love him. He says "I love you too". With the most unconvincing voice in the world. I can't. I can't do this...
 
Last straw was when he said he wanted to be with me more than I wanted to be with him. So... Yes. Dear journal, you are a testament to the contrary. One day, I'll make sure he'll read you, page by page, front and back. Maybe he'll understand.
 
I don't know what I should do. I want to get away, but in the same time, I owe him a lot. And I l o v e h i m. Why? I don't know. I hate this. I want myself back.
 
Maybe we will all die before we even get the the Desolation. I fear it. I really fear it. I want to live and feel from someone else what I feel for Talion. Maybe I don't deserve it, but I still want it bad.