Bittersweet

"God lives even in the Desolation of Iziper" - Great Ordinator Illien the Great.
 
Dear diary,
 
I have returned from a very interesting walk. I write this on the deck of the ship, by the light of a single candle, while all around me these strange mists of the Western Desolation rise and fall. Yes, we made it.
 
But I have to go back a couple of days, to get the whole picture.
 
I didn't write anything after that morning when we left Gessen. I just felt tired. Woke up and found some flower at my doorstep. Hmmmmmmmmmm. More on that later.
 
In the end, I hoped for better from this whole thing, but actually I think it came pretty close to the best possible scenario. You see... That night, as we were drifting on the open water, sails furled, we had this great group discussion on our greatest fears and angsts. To get to know each other better, to help each other, stay ready, you know, in case of, well... demons. 'cause we will meet this kind of problem, we are all sure of it. I can still hear that damned demon's ringing in my head, from back then.
 
Anyway, we all shared something. Verfi talked about her fear of losing her friends. She seems to have an incredibly sad story, makes me feel small for complaining. I swear. She's very strong, though, I mean in all aspects. I wonder how she coped. Probably Nixie helped. She comes from a war-torn land, abandoned by her mother, her friends dead on the battlefield. So yes, she has doubts, all too understandable. I admire her very, very much. Won't tell her that, though, I don't know how to be soft.
 
Nixie talked about her home, her parents and her country. The war she and Verfi ran from could very well be ongoing, still. And she is worried. We all left home, but I know some of us didn't want to, or still want to go back. I would only go back to visit father, for a bit. I don't feel any kind of homesickness. But Nixie does, so I hope one day we'll go back to her home and see her family all well. I'm sure they are. Elves are strong beings, I don't underestimate them.
 
Heron talked about his family's honor, and how he could not restore it. He fears that he can't do it not because he's not a good enough person, but because no one would listen. I knew there was something about him!! I think he's silly. What matters is to be true to yourself, to your family's beliefs, to honor in general. And he's as honorouble as they get. I remember there was this Woranian family that had a motto "Honor above all" and they came from the same place as Heron, Montarnas. Maybe it has something to do with him, but as far as I can tell that family is still very much in power, so, no, they must be some other people.
 
Anyway, we also got two words from Xebec, who was suddenly very grumpy about it. He has some secret, some very dark secret, maybe. I don't know. He didn't want to talk about it. Seems to have this fear of curses, or maybe not fear, but hate. More than the usual person would have. I'm sure we will find out more about it, because Nixie is very insistent on the subject.
 
I started trembling as people moved to me, because I had no intention of spilling the beans on the whole Talion story. With Talion and Bart there, watching me. I felt horrible. I mumbled some lie about us being too weak... I felt stupid and pathetic. They would all think I'm a wimp, or some kind of power-hungry idiot who thinks only might prevails. When I'm NOT. So I had to retract, somehow... but how could I be honest? I was so embarrassed...
 
Thankfully, I saw Talion bail out from it completely, like the wimp he is, and it gave me courage. I did say the truth, albeit in more general terms. No mention of Talion. Was smart enough to say it all without saying his name or referencing him. I was relieved.
 
I had a small moment when Bart started speaking, I don't know why I kind of feared he'd say something about our swim together. I keep having this nasty feeling about it. As I previously stated - I'm a nutcase. Bart did say something interesting, though. He said he himself had been a little unwanted, all his life. Moving from place to place. With no family to actually care for him. Well, a father he didn't meet and a mother who didn't really care all that much, and a step-father who wanted to use him. And now he is scared he still is unwanted.
 
Bart really has this huge depth I never saw before. I am so bad at judging characters, must be getting rusty. I mean, I knew he had a good heart. But he seems to have this fear of unlikeableness which explains all his goofy mistakes, in a way. Kind of like I used to think of Talion. Only that I was wrong about Talion. Now I know that.
 
I really hope he finds out, truly, that he is very likeable. Not just to us. You know, journal, to special people. He who has no parents may yet find the love of a good wife. I wish that for him.
 
Anyway, it was a nice talk. By the way, Talion said he doesn't like to play this "game", which I think further proves that he doesn't understand anything. So, after the "game", I had a talk with the girls, Nixie and Verfi. I knew it! I had blown my cover, and they sensed my damsel-drama. Horrid. I had to belittle myself in front of them with my stupid personal problems. But they were very kind and patient and helped. Oh, they said the flowers probably come from Bart. That's bad I wanted to write bad but it's not bad I mean he's just a sweet. He knows how much of a nutcase nightmare I am right now with Talion and all, I know he respects that, so I don't hold it against him. Does he like me so much, though? Maybe he just is afraid I don't like him, and that's why he sent me some flowers. Or maybe it was Talion all along, although I doubt it. Do I want him to like me more? Yes. Damn it. Same mistake, Eve, same mistake, you say, journal. I know. Shut up.
 
Anyway, the girls were great. The essentially said this to me: do what's best for you. Live. Open your eyes, see, and help yourself. I was going down this horrid spiral. Thank you, girls. I will buy you some meat and materials for painting. Hih.
 
The very next day, I gave Talion his ring back and told him it's over. I'm done waiting for him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He doesn't know it, probably will never (because he's thick as the mist of the Desolation) but I went back in my cabin and cried for 4 hours straight. Ugly-cry, you know. The kind of thing were your body hurts so much afterwards. Now I feel better, but back then I was .... Yes. Well, I hope he won't hate me. I just hope that... I know I made the right choice, because I can't be the only one bringing in something. If he's going to be absent and distant and fearful... He can do that alone.
 
I heard that a huge black ghost called a Lady of the Sea had attacked our boat. Can you believe, journal, that I was crying so much I didn't even hear!? They had to fight her, and the Black Sylph actually came on deck, drew this huge sword of shadows, and cut the spectre in half like a slice of cake. Imagine the power of this small little being. I wasn't there to help her, though... I feel very, very, very bad.
 
We rushed back to her room to see if she was alright (by this point I had heard the commotion, had dried my tears and had come to them). She was not alright. Small pieces, black, light and horribly dry, lay on the floor. Like charcoal. Poor her.... a finger.... there was a small little finger on the floor, all blackened and dry. I immediately burst into tears, but I hid it well from the others, by rushing back to my room, slapping my face a couple of times and returning. They must never see me this weak. I'm not like this usually. I was just very emotional that day.
 
The sylph was not alright. She only has THREE fingers now.................................. three. I am at a loss of words, even now. Piece by piece, she is chipped away from us. I don't know what to say. I'll make her stay in her bed forever. I can't let her harm herself by fighting our battles....
 
I don't blame anyone for her state. I just wish Talion would do more, since he was the one whose feelings hurt her so badly in the beginning. I realised we needed to protect her from the Western Desolation and its curses. So I sew her this nice pillow that looks just like a cookie. I'm so proud. I feel like a mommy, in a way, but that's not bad. It's actually a good feeling.
 
We then all pitched in to make a new mask for the sylph. So she could feel safe around us. And also to feel our care. I think that magic can work a little even when users are not versed in it like Talion. Maybe some protective little marks on the mask would help hold Death at bay. As Bart said, we need to shield the Sylph with life. So we drew these nice things on her little mask. I a poppy-sword, because it's my Sylph-destiny to bring her home. And Nixie gave her wings again, this time on her eyes, and Verfys drew a circle of hands (she listened, she's very perceptive, our fire-girl), and Bart drew a lyre with a musical note like a cookie (he actually did a nice job drawing it). We were all trying our best there, and I think we got a good job done.
 
At that point, we had been engulfed in mist for quite some time. The Western Desolation is horrid. And in that mist, we started seeing carts, and people, and trees, mountains, roads, gates, cities. the Empire itself, sprawling all around us. Great, rich, but humble and warm in the same time. MEmories. Imprints of lost souls, as Bart put it. Quite a scene. I preferred ghosts and ghouls. They are scary, so you kill them. Or destroy them, actually. But this... it was just sad. Very, very sad. Thinking about all those souls claimed by Man's greed, power-lust and anger.
 
We finally got through the mist and into a bay. Iziper bay. I know a lot about the city itself. Old is Iziper, 3000 years old to be more exact. A First Empire relic, then an Alghazian outpost into Texxoria, finally a great city with its own kingdom. Absorbed into Alghazia, then into the Empire. Now.... it was almost intact, as if life had simply disappeared from around it, but all else remained. A grey, empty, damp desolation.
 
Curiosity drilled through me. I HAD to see this. A city frozen in time. Yes, all was grey and cursed, but the city was beautiful, in a way. And very sad. I wanted to see more. Naturally, no one is a nutcase. Except Bart. He wanted to go, too. The shorty-boy and the feeble-girl. Works for us. We went. Rowing a boat down to the harbor and then on the main alleyway, the Golden Street. They used to carry gold from the Izkan mountains in the north all the way here, and make jewelry. I talked to Bart about history, possibly bored him to death, I sure hope not. I don't want to be boring. I hate boring people.
 
We even found a flag from the Ael Velle. Bart must know by this point that I'm obsessed about Illien the Great and his exploits, including the Ael Velle. I took the flag with me.
 
We even got to climb the watchtower of the Venki-sen monastery in Iziper. The monastery itself was mostly ruined by the attack of the undead. I expect the lich who took Iziper annihilated the monks after a very intense fight. We got to see a whole country grey, destroyed, desolate. But not completely ruined. Maybe this frozen empire, this cursed, damp, grey empire is a reminder to us that even where evil is everywhere, hope may be just around the corner. Maybe a small plant may yet sprout from the dead earth. Maybe these buildings may yet again bloom in colour. That's what Illien the Great thought.
 
It was a bittersweet feeling. Much like the feeling I get now from my own position. I think I will be a little better. I sure hope so. The others will catch on soon, they will find out about Talion and I. I must watch out. I don't want them to talk to me about it. I just need to be alone with the Sylph perhaps and just read, and think.
 
But yes, I did enjoy that walk quite a lot.