Multiple chances, multiple minds

"More of the same / Blinded and lame / Spinning around / Darkness abound / More of the same / Weakened and tame / Making no sound / We are abound"
 
Dear journal,
 
Courtesy of our dear Anevys, whom I thank right now as I dictate these words, I can write in you again. I normally would not consider having anyone else peer into my ramblings, but Anevys truly is an impartial soul.
 
Why can't I write myself you ask? Why, of course, because I have no eyes. Feels strange to say it, even stranger than to write it myself. I have no eyes. Fitting, for someone like me, never seeing anything beyond her own person and problems. Alas, I'm not even sure I could bear to have eyes anymore. I think that's why I lost them in the first place...
 
I have to go back a while to make some sense of all this. But before, I have to make a small confession. I don't know whether I'll finish writing this the same way I started it. I don't know what words I'll pour here on this paper via our lovely Anevys. I feel comfortable enough speaking of them, but maybe soon I won't. There is something I can't fully explain yet. But it's not something I want to speak of or write, it's too ugly. Even if no one but Anevys would ever find out... So, here goes.
 
After the Zidith, we had to rely on some luck to have the Evo Drives still working as the news of the war was invariably spreading. Fortunately, we were faster than those news, so at the time we were safe. Since now our plans of calling for Ghighi, the interdimensionals or other shenanigans were rendered impossible by our dear Soreoth, we needed to find OUR way of sending the message.
 
What do you know, after all this, we still needed to do something ourselves. In my Axe-Eve stance, I did warn them. We can't rely on bullshit. Even if we use the planes, we need to put ourselves out there, or it will do nothing. Look at the evil of this world! Sometimes I don't get them, any of them! They still think, deep inside, in the caverns of the mind, where there is only the glimmer of their innermost instincts and customs, that we are on our Sapphire Sword, treading the waters of the Syomalos, or of that Western Sea, or the Bronze Coast. And the tasks ahead are the likes of slaying Abominations or bringing Drenizek to Enneth. They don't want to understand, I think, that evil is too great already, too strong, too... much. This dimension is even worse than ours in that respect anyway! There is no Almighty left in the hearts of living beings, or even in the writings on their "computers", or even in the stone and metal and "concrete" of their buildings! You think that against such disbalance we can do anything?! Anything, that is, within our reasonable power, within reasonable strife?!?!
 
Any disbalance needs a balancing counter-force to bring things back to order, that is what the Singularists say. Right now the disbalance is huge, pushed with the force of thousands of years of history. And our balancing counter-force is... friendship power? Woosh-woosh planes of reality? I don't get it. What do they expect? Why did I, in my idiocy, blame the Almighty for this, anyway, when it's only the blame of myself, us, the world of fools who either left ourselves be consumed by evil or allowed it to grow! Why do we have to fight Xantinya, if not because we all couldn't stop her before? Why is there necromancy, if not because we invented it? Why is the Desolation still desolate, if not because we failed our stupid Ael Velle?! And so on, so forth. Hm, Humans, Elves, Elementals, Strygians, all races they are all just like flies trapped inside a cup-plant, whose walls are sticky. They move around and get more stuck, and their little precious limbs are broken, and they blame the plant for all its strength, but the plant does nothing, and has no strength of its own. It only waits for the flies to kill themselves, while it slowly, painfully, minutely digests their insides... Such is the indomitable will of the Master.
 
We created this. It is a prison of our own design. And if we must suffer, it is because we wanted this. We don't like suffering? Why, too bad. It is the gift inside the beautiful packaging called "sin". And oh boy did we all sin. Is it punishment? Nah, it's just the way things are. If the Almighty is love, and bliss, if you commit evil, if you feed yourself only, and shun the rest, if you shun Him... then you shun that love and bliss, and veer away from it. So why are we surprised to find only suffering and pain instead!?!? I know suffering, I know pain, I know them more than ever now. Not because I felt suffering and pain, though I did... It's... we'll get there.
 
I had to find a way to deliver our message of hope and fight to the world. The world needed it so much. Today, almost no one knows. But no one should be able to claim ignorance as an excuse in this war. No one should feel alone, if they already suffer. No one should feel like fighting is useless. No one should think the Evil to their face is Good, or doesn't matter. Because most will sleep through their own destruction without this message. That is the way of the demons. The few will fight, and die. And most won't even notice.
 
But how to "send" a "message"? We tried our best to understand how that would work, but we had too little information. So I realized I needed to do something to help Lullaby help us. Poor her, she can't do anything, she doesn't even know what is going on, but I know she could help... How would she feel when she wakes up, if she were to find out she couldn't help in any way?! I needed to find a way to reach her, to have her help us, in any way possible. But, also, I had to keep her and Rafil safe. As Nixie emphasized, any "intrusion" could be very dangerous for them... My plan, as I concocted it, was to slip in my dream into her mind and try to awaken some memories that would help us. But what if I triggered the wrong memories? We struggled quite a bit with that. How to reach her in the first place, also? Well, I could use Damaschini's spirit plane bending powers to follow his sentiment and somehow get inside Lullaby's mind. I knew I could breach her spiritual wall, or in any case go around it, because I have already dreamt her dreams. I just had to use the same love that fueled me the first time. And with Damaschini's guidance, it could help. And with Damaschini guiding me using a happy memory of both him and Lullaby, it could surely work. Then, of course, how to trigger the right memories in Lullaby's head, so that I could dream those memories, not others? Well, by posing questions, questions that would become her questions, making her brain answer them. Complicated, eh? It sounds weird on paper, and it IS weird. How do you ASK questions spirit-to-spirit? How does that work, without a voice, or... you get it.
 
That's the thing, you don't need a voice. You don't need any physical aspect of this world to communicate. That's what the Almighty is trying to tell us... once you realize it, you can... do it. I can't explain because there's little explaining to do anyway. You can just feel these thoughts, and they can be transmitted. That night I did it. I was able to dream her dreams, her memories, and brought some great insights into how the planes work. And with these insights, I was able to realize what next steps we needed to take in order to send the message...
 
I don't want to tire Anevys with plane-mechanics, but I found it fascinating. It's really not that complicated in its theory. You see, dear journal, we have an understanding of what "reality" means. We look with our eyes, and hear, and feel and so on so forth. This is our world. We can't understand another way, because we can't... perceive another way. But what if we could!? Like really, really could. Once you understand this world as 9 separate planes, superimposed, once you understand that what you see is just a way of perceiving, not "reality" itself, once you understand that "reality" is a fluid concept you can adapt, possibilities change a lot... I remember the words of the great First Father Bailin. He said "the Almighty gave us his liking. If there is a trouble on this Earth, we can solve it. Just believe in it. Gather your belief, and if you have as much as a pebble of it within you, you can make this entire mountain move". He was right. It sounds ludicrous, maybe, and maybe a lot of smart people will tell you that's impossible, even with magic, but alas the Ionolians, we knew, and we called it Light. But now I see that Light can be so much more than I've imagined. Like light itself... it's a spectrum of 9. Once I understand that, I can start thinking in the right mindset...
 
I had no time to even stop and think what was going on. It was all a whirlwind of calculations, possibilities... Trying to find out a way to get the message across. In the end, we couldn't find one. None of us could bend the planes of reality to that extent... Even if the Black Hole contained, indeed, a memory of the Primeval World, and was a link to all the 9 that derived from it... How could we use that channel if we had no pen to write our message, and no messenger?!
 
That's when I realized... The Sword, Lullaby's sword, it contained a shard of everyone's souls... That was our paper, now we just needed to write our message on it, and have someone send it somehow... Well, that wasn't very hard to figure out, wasn't it? Lullaby was the only one who could wield the sword, but she is not conscious, she can't conceive a manipulation, not by herself. But I can. I can't manipulate, but I can see. And I can give Lullaby that thought. The thought of the message, of the Black Hole, of the manipulation that needs to happen. And she will do it. She will conceive it. And then the message can be sent.
 
In the end, I came up with this: I had to to do the same thing with the dream, in which I gave Lullaby the thoughts composing the message. She would then conceive this message on the plane of spirit, in her sword, which is linked to all the souls in the universe. But then, in order to get the message to all these souls, you needed to spread it across the entire plane of spirit, in all 9 dimensions. We needed the Black Hole, because the sword just represented souls, and could not communicate directly with all of them. No problem. We just had to conceive the message being sent from the sword to the Black hole, like a massive ray of light... at least that's how I saw it, and that's how I transmitted it to Lullaby. Then, with the message "encoded" as people in xy might say... I could direct the sword to the Black Hole, and the manipulation would occur automatically via me. It all depended on the strong link between me and Lullaby.
 
It also meant I had to gaze upon the Black hole, which meant instant death. I knew I had to somehow surive for a second or so, so I focused on that.
 
They all hated my plan and wanted to do literally anything else. At the time, I just didn't know any other way, but was open to suggestions, obviously. Only later did I realize what I had planned for myself. I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't going to die a stupid, coward death, killing myself or consumed by my own monstrosity. This was a death I gave for the world. It served me right for not believing in it, I guess, but I didn't care. If the others would get a chance to fight and stop the Apocalypse, I'd gladly give a thousand lives. Is there anything more beautiful you can do with your life, then give others a chance for their own lives?
 
Was I ready to die? I was - and still am - a Nutcase mad egotistical depressive maniacal idiot. So, no. But it mattered not. That was the way, the only way. Were there other ways? Not that anyone could think of, so.... My guts told me there was no other way, to be fair. I looked at Lullaby. Our connection was not for naught. All that foolish eenie-meenie-miney-moe wasn't for naught. In a strange way, it wasn't. Sure, I didn't do it for this moment. That's the magic. You do Good for itself, but somehow it also helps you. Because Good uplifts the world, and will always be a source for even more Good.
 
And in this weird, unexpected twist, I glimpsed at a more beautiful world, a fairer world than the one I saw in my bleak days after Legondol. It was not a world of doom, nor was it a world of bliss. It was not a world where all is clear, nor was it a world where all is hidden, and all leads to the same. No. It was more like a staircase, and the light in your hand is dim, but you can light it up more, you can probe every step, or run, or crawl, maybe, but just keep climbing. Trust the climb. As you grow ever closer, you will start to see why. The end may be out of reach, but that's why there's a door at the end of the staircase. That door is death. Had there been no door, the light beyond it would have mellowed you out, and you would not have the power to climb all those steps.
 
The following days were... weird for me. I tried my best to prepare, somehow, but... I wasn't the problem here. It did not matter what would become of me, I had to be ready to connect with Lullaby. I tried, more than ever, to strengthen our bond. I invented new games to test our coordination. She instinctively does what I do, whenever I can get her to do a repetitive action. It's a miracle, I will not lie. One that I keep marveling at. Sometimes I feel her like she's a baby, and I get all protective and mommy-like. But she's not. I know. I don't treat her like one. I know her strength, and I should show it.
 
But the others were not in a very happy mindset... They were all sad. As we drew closer and closer to the Black Hole, they all felt the inevitable realisation I was going to you know, die. Some, like Nixie, denied it. They still thought they would do something else. But what? None of them had another idea... I felt bad. I realized how my death could impact them. Maybe they could lose hope, or feel what I felt about the world. It would be unfair to do such a thing to my dear friends...
 
And they had suffered already through the loss of many loved ones. Not just our crew, but before as well. These days we heard the story of Nixie's fiance, yes, she had one, a long time ago, killed in a war in the Continent. Nixie kind of blames herself, because their secret love had been uncovered by her brother which led her brother and her fiance from not helping each other which somehow indirectly led to the latter's death... Nixie also blames herself for the existence of the evil elves from xy... she should really stop blaming herself for things she's not at all at fault with. And anyway, as a captain she's allowed to blame herself less, because she needs to lead.
 
Still, Nixie is the most realistic person around. So I couldn't lie to her. I knew I was going to kick the bucket, haha. Realistically saying. I mean, sure, I could expect a miracle, but why would a miracle exist for me? What did I do for any of that, you know. Aside from spitting venom on everyone these last weeks, mumbling or screaming or just thinking foul things. So I told Nixie the only thing that was left to say: do not lose hope just because of my death. I was afraid our captain would give up on hoping for this world if she would see me die. She thinks these deaths should not happen in a fair world. To be honest, in a fair world we'd all be long dead for how miserable we are. Or at least some of us (me me me).
 
I had to have these talks with everyone. I told Verfy I won't die. I felt bad, but... what point does it make to say I'm going to die? Verfy will hope I won't, anyway. I'll trust in her hope. I leave none for myself. All my hopes are directed at the one thing that truly matters: that the message is delivered, and Lullaby and Rafil will be safe.
 
When I had to talk to Bart, though... it was much more complicated. You know, all those days I kept thinking about what I was going to lose, and I don't know all my frustration with Bart kind of evaporated. I knew how much I was going to lose, nothing else mattered. I wanted to see if he was alright, I realized how much suffering I was causing him. I was astonished, once again, by his immense strength. He told me with a gentle smile and an easy heart that he trusted me, and that only I could do it. He was there, ready to support me. He didn't want me gone, I felt how much he wanted me to be safe, but he couldn't stop me. He knew it's what I wanted, it's what I needed to do, and he wanted to support my choice. He showed no weakness, no doubt. I knew he was riddled with doubts, torn apart by the thought of trying to make me stop, by his own normal, GOOD desire to have me alive, to love me, to give me happiness. But that desire conflicted my desire, and our desire, to stop the Apocalypse, to send the message. So he made his choice.
 
I... I love him. He is exactly what I need. Had he been something else, we probably would've destroyed each other. But my Bart, he can find the best in me, and bring it out to surface... That day when we talked about the Hole, he did something else, though. He surprised me so much, I'm still surprised today, weeks after. He pulled a ring out of... nowhere... a ring he crafted with Damaschini... and he asked my hand in marriage. I knew I was going to the executioner's bench, I knew that marriage was not an option I had... I could just tell him "I'm going to die, why?" or "don't do this, don't hurt yourself anymore", but..... something in me screamed of Life and I just couldn't feel that inevitability. I was so overjoyed, even if I died, I'd die... I'd die with my dream come true. Remember my dream, dear journal? And my fears, which I expressed long ago on the ship, as we sailed into the Desolation, at one of those together trainings? Hehe.
 
Maybe I was selfish. But I don't think so, it was more. It was Good, in and of itself, and I wanted to just enjoy that, nothing more. No outside thoughts, no after-effects. I said yes, with all my heart, I had no shard of doubt or sadness or anything left, I was transformed. No Axe-Eve could stop it. I think I literally jumped on him and I didn't let go. It's strange, a couple of days before I felt I couldn't talk to him anymore, and that night we were as one, it was... I realised how wrong I was in my ways. Bart was always there. For some reason, we had built a wall, but now the wall was broken and we were back in each other's arms, closer than ever.
 
Still, my bliss couldn't last long. We would soon reach the Black Hole. I'll spare you the details of how we got there, because they don't really matter as much. I'm sick and tired of descriptions, to be honest, when I burst with so many feelings and thoughts. We had to take a pirate ship of sorts, so we were on board of that, travelling through the black emptiness of the Plane of Death... till we reached a place some 500 lightyears away from the thing.
 
I had to prepare. The night before I just clang on tight to Bart, no words spoken, nothing. I just wanted to lay my head on his chest, hear his heartbeat, and sleep like that, forget the rest, just feel him there, alive, near me. One last time, before the thing.
 
I had to prepare. First, the dream. I had to enter Lullaby's thoughts and make her dream the message. I drifted away, taken by the manipulations of the spirit performed by Damaschini, and then... I just started thinking. Just started reeling in all those incredible sights we've seen, re-living all those crazy moments, of hope, of despair, of love, of wonder, of hate of... I tried to order them, to give some coherence. I wanted to transmit to all the world that there were some beautiful things out there, in all of us, really, and that THEY have come to take it from us, to drive us away from them. And that a couple of idiots were still fighting against that, still protecting the good that still lives in this world, within us. And that, no matter what, we could still all FIGHT.
 
The ship had stopped. I was told to get ready. I had already performed the first act. Dreaming the message, as Lullaby. Now, the second. I went in to equip myself, and Lullaby. I made sure she was well protected, a suit protected by two anti-matter shields on each side. I blackened Lullaby's visor so she wouldn't see anything. I linked us with an extendable cordon, and so we marched into the main corridor, I in front, Lullaby behind. I held her right hand, and she was holding the sword in it. We passed by the others, who looked on. I glanced, for a second, at each and every one of them. To tell them, one last time, goodbye. I tried, I tried, I really tried to hold in my tears. My feet were starting to tremble. So many thoughts, so many emotions... Could I do it? Will Lullaby survive? What will happen? How does it feel to die? How horrible will the Black Hole be? What awaits me? Will I see... beyond? Was Hell going to await me? Was I doomed? I trembled so much now, I could barely move, but I tried not to show it. I had to press on. I had to keep composure.
 
The doors to the command room opened. The room was empty, and the big windows in front were shut by screens. Beyond, the Horizon and the Black Hole. Death and decay. Hate and despair. Behind me, Hope, what was left of it. The moment we've been waiting for. The turning of the tide. The one thing Xantinya could not anticipate: that we could use Death for Life, Evil for Good. That we could use our demon-ridden spirit to get the power to stare all this bullshit in the eye. Come, come with all you have, Hell!!
 
The screens were risen, and purple light invaded the room. In one split second. I can see it so clearly in my head. It's the image that will never die in my mind. A light so piercing, so horrendous, you would want to gouge your eyes out to stop seeing it. And then, right in the middle... an aura, a small circle, even brighter than the rest... twisting, reforming, pulsating... Telling you... feeling you... I glanced, and then all the world shattered around me, and I could feel my body almost ripped apart from itself, and could see the purple light dimming a little. Around me, at least... I looked back. Lullaby was there. SHe did something, I felt it. Somehow, she did something. She was keeping this destructive force at bay. I smiled, I think. I wanted to say "thank you", but could only think it.
 
I turned back at the hole. I could see it. The Evil. All of it. Mine, ours, everyone's. All of it in one place, as if looking at one giant mirror. I wanted to turn around kill Lullaby and then the rest, destroy everything. I felt it, the need to purge all and everything. Like I feel now. It's an immesurable power. The power of......... JUSTICE.
 
Justice for our sins. For our ways. For this feeble world that deserves no existence. Alas, it exists, but then all imperfections can be erased. Justice for those who were condemned long before they were even mortal, whereas the mortals who sin twelvefold receive chance after chance to rise and rise again. Justice for those who only wanted to become what they were destined to be, when the puny nothingness, the trash and litter of the world of spirits, these dying souls, come and claim eternal bliss from their Father! Justice for a world where the final form we were created for cannot be attained! Well, now it could! It could!
 
See, journal, I am not what you think I am. Nor do they know. See the poem? I heard it. I heard the poem, together with a million others, a billion thoughts, a trillion feelings, all at once. I heard the songs of hell, the verses of demons, I heard brothers and sisters chant all, now and continously, banging their drums:
 
"Turn, turn around, face the dusk, face the end, for it has come, ALL HAIL THE MASTER!"
 
I heard it all when I jumped out in front. I couldn't stay there, I could not send the message while Lullaby kept the planes from being manipulated. The irony... Lullaby was protecting me, but by doing so she was stopping me... I jumped forward and pointed the sword at that ugly thing.... the thing... the EYE! It was an eye, turned to the side, lighting up in purple-white flares, seeing me, filling me with power and desire. With one move, I could take it, rip the ship apart and become... yes... I saw it.
 
I am many voices. Many minds. I am them. They are mine. I don't know where I stop, but I could have lost myself entirely. I could shed the skin of mortality, be one with the plane of death... morph, and join THEM. I could be unstoppable. Echoes of eons shattered my brain, as these old souls bombarded me with their mistakes. The countless dead. I could rise above. I could...
 
But I didn't. I clenched my teeth, and I imagined... The sword.... a piercing ray of light.... gouging that stupid eye from the face of my existence. And then....... I saw............. All.
 
The world.
 
Souls.
 
Demons.
 
Angels.
 
I can't tell anymore. I wanted it to stop. I cried for it to stop. I was already there for thousands of years, still registering all the pain and destruction and...
 
When I could think again, I could not see again. Only re-live the terrible purple light, and the eye, and.... hear the voice of my beautiful Bart. Somewhere, I didn't know where, for I could not see. But I saw, somehow, through all that darkness. Bart was there. Bart is here. More beautiful than ever, I felt his voice. I was alive. I was alive! And Lullaby and Rafil were safe and sound....
 
I was blind, yes, and my right hand had to be replaced with an iron replica, which still works like my hand, so.... but.... I was somehow alive....
 
I know now why, exactly. But I thank you, Ftheis, for this. I thank you for the bottom of my heart, because I know, as You sure know, that I wasn't ready, and that they weren't ready. You truly are the most Merciful. I won't let it go to waste.
 
I may be blind, but I'm not stupid. I feel new. In many ways. Cursed, in many ways. Blessed too, in a way. I am Eve of many minds, but of only one voice. I am Eve the demon-ridden, but I will also cast demons away. I felt desperation in me the first day of my waking up, but now I'm better.
 
I did speak to the others about it. Even attacked Tallion, using some primal force hiding within me. They must think I'm possessed... I couldn't really tell them. It's more complicated than that. I have to carry this, somehow. I will. I must turn it to something good. Like before.
 
What matters most is that we prevailed. One small group, lead by one Elf lost from her home, a group of pirates and bookworms, of bards and fighters, of men and Elves and Elementals and Strygians and Erlagons, one small group of friends that braved through death to send some hope to this world. Now, we can fight. Now we can truly fight. I am itching just at the thought of it. Finally, we can rally this world against the demons. Against Xantinya.
 
And against you, Master. There's revolt everywhere. Against you. You will see. I will tell you so myself.
 
 
 
With the Sword of the Almighty pointing us forwards, let us march and let us fight.