Respite

"To the thousands [saints], I find myself posing only one question: did you kill your instincts, or did they become good too? Illien the Great, in his Letters to a Greater Man.
 
Journal, scourge of my days,
 
I find myself writing in you on this beautiful... bah... on this forever-morning, or day, or whatever this fake, painting-like state of facts the chest espouses, this is. I feel fine, quite fine, actually, I have Verfy to thank for that, she gave me her necklace, which makes sure you always wake up with a level head and a rested body. thank you Verfy!
 
I know I've ben remiss on my recount of late, that's because I've once again been out of commission for a couple of days. You see, i must've unconsciously decided to make a tour of all the hospitals in all the dimensions I could get my neat little hands on. So, without further ado, here goes.
 
As you may recall, we were stuck in some kind of cell, all clumped together, after we got captured by the Commonwealth. Since Miyun's state was actually getting worse, we had to deal with her before even thinking about escaping, as Nixie pointed out. Miyun was cursed by that xenatine, well, she did cut herself with the xenatine-infused blade she had, so that she could receive the force of its magical essence and become even stronger. Well, that obviously worked against her, more than for her. We all came by her side and tried to think of a solution. Vas proposed transferring her pain and corruption onto him through some kind of a ritual, molded after a Hifrist rite he'd seen performed by his elder priests. I didn't like the idea of adapting Hifrist rites to our problem, but maybe that was just Axe-Eve thinking Axe-Eve things. I was also worried the xenatine curse was so strong it could affect us as well. I did read in some "book" (actually on one of their screens, where they have these "virtual" books) here in xy that xenatine (kaliz) can affect others indirectly, by contact with those directly affected, a phenomenon which is called kaliz-radioactivity. But it only works if the directly affected person was affected by massive quantities, usually deadly. Still, there was no time to theorise on how xenatine worked on her. We were there to treat.
 
So I tried to tend to her slash wound, the one she made on her palm with the scythe. That's where the xenatine curse entered her body, mixing with her lifeforce and altering her magical essence. You know, of all the crimes the servants of Evil, generally, and the dark Elves, specifically, did, the transformation of star essence into xenatine may just be the worst. This accursed stone has only one mission, that of furthering the design of the Master: turn, twist, corrupt, ruin. Whatever magic exists, the xenatine can twist it, and it can infect life itself as a result. it can burn through matter, through flesh and stone and metal, too. It can be infused to ruin everything, feeding off the will that powers it. Like in Miyun's case, where it was hard to discern what were Miyun's own actions and what were the actions of a perverted will twisted to resound the great Will of the Master himself.
 
Hah, look at me, writing "Master" like I'm some sort of demon, myself. I don't know why I started doing that, but I know very well who I'm referring to. It sounded like a sound title, and then it struck me that it's probably coming from the screams in my head. hm. Sometimes I can hear these faint shouts, never sure if it's demons or people tortured by demons, or maybe... me? Hard to say for sure.
 
Anywhoo, I remember a nice thing about naming the big boy. When I was a little girl, my father used to read to me a book called "tales of the East", filled to the brim with these stories of cloaked mages travelling the land of ancient worlds, before the First Council. And in many of their travels they encountered some sort of difficulty from sly, devious creatures, animals or humans, serving the great Malkan. I remember I told my father that I didn't think that name was so threatening. "Well it's not supposed to be a threat, but a fact" he would say. "You know what Malkan is?" "No, I'm not smart yet" I would snidely respond. He got mad and said I'm a big fuss and I'll never be smart with that attitude. Then he explained to me: "Malkan comes from old eastern dialect. Kan is king, and Mal is the name for nothing". "Oh, so nothing-king!" I laughed. But he was very serious.
 
"No, you rascal. King of nothing, yes, because he is no true king, he only wants to take down the Almighty and climb on His throne, but he can't do that, he's not so stupid, to think that he could. But also king of Nothingness, for he rules over the emptiness that is evil".
 
To put it nicely, I didn't really understand at that time. But yes, this dual nature has been bugging me of late. If the big boy Master wants to really be 'Master', he can't be God, he's king of nothing. But he's also king of Nothing, so maybe he wants to bring the Nothing to this world. Bart said something very smart about this some time later, he said that Xantinya wants to bring down the Almighty by hurting us. If the Master and his pony-comet can bring the nothingness of Evil to the level of norm on our world, then they can imprison all souls and therefore rob the Almighty of his beloved creatures, who would not be turning to him, but instead turning to nothingness. and so, the Master can be king of a ... hm. a NEW world. and this new order would make him, in all but technicality, the Master of the Universe, the king, the true king, the ruler of souls, the perverter of all. a world where creation is not necessary anymore, because there is nothing left to create, only endless perversion, endless ruination, endless suffering, fueling the power of the Master.
 
I must say, it sounds almost feasible, if only that. you do have to circumvent the fact that the Almighty is all-powerful. then again, I can't understand the full effects of creation. If the Almighty is the only being in the universe, of course He is all-powerful. Power requires power over something. And the only spirit in the world would obviously have power over everything else. Since everything else is what the spirit creates.
 
But what happens if the spirit creates other spirits? Spirits molded after his own. So free-willed. Then there are some boundaries to His power. But are they because of free-will, or because, in essence, there are other spirits in the world now? These spirits cannot create from nothing, so there is a difference. A created spirit cannot be the same as the one creator-spirit. hm so having more spirits does not mean the Creator loses His all-powerfulness. but, in effect, since other spirits can influence, if not create, the rest of the world, then it means that the Almighty would be checked indirectly, as other spirits could do things, not what the Almighty aimed at doing. And that is, in and of itself, a limitation of power...? I can't say. I think the plays of demons and angels are too hard for us to grasp, and I'm afraid I'll write something heretical and dumb.
 
I don't want to understand, necessarily, what all-powerfulness is. It should suffice to know the Almighty is, well, just that: Almighty. But now that the demons are openly trying to challenge that, I would've liked to see how exactly they think they can go around this fact.
 
Well, that was a useless boring-Nutcase rant. i didn't even reach a conclusion. Just beating around a dead bush like a lunatic. God I hate it when I look back at any of my philosophies and rants, either in this journal or in together trainings or discussions or in general. I never say anything, and people nod and say yea maybe because what in the name of the deepest of Hells can they even say!? I make no sense, make no point, give no insight. I just blabber around using fancy pansy words. Of course Nixie would never care for what I say, of course Bart would never find me interesting! I wonder if I just confused Damaschini more with my stupid thoughts on.. haha, defining Good.
 
Well, at least, dear Axe-Eve, defining Good was not that much of a blabber. It actually helped me do something. Or maybe I made no difference. Yeah, actually probably I made no difference. I tried to do this, define Good. Well, muster all my positive feelings for Miyun and use my healing touch, that touch with which I arrange lifeforce back into someone I care for, in order to realign Miyun's lifeforce. You see, my love for this little tortured girl would find me her initial lifeforce, and I would try to bring that initial lifeforce back into her distorted body.
 
safe to assume that I didn't do much, because a big ugly shadow appeared behind Miyun, and it was none other than the Mivureh that had tried to kill Menn'e all those weeks back. I tried to stay focus on my thing, but I lost all consciousness of everything around me. The last thing I remember was seeing Miyun open her eyes. I was happy, then, because she was saved.
 
Not because of ugly old me.
 
i woke up a century after that, in 958 AC, with Bart by my side. i had thsese nasty tubes and masks and things on me, and I could feel that they pierced me with some sharp needles so that they could I don't know I don't want to know. I didn't even have to go to the bathroom because that was taken care of as well...!? Horrifying, i wanted out of all that, out of that bed, but i couldn't move and i could barely talk. Bart was just sitting there talking about how we escaped the cell and the ship we were in, which luckily was not in the air or in space, but still anchored or whatever they call it, on the ground. And we escaped via the 'engine' thingie. well, there you go, mission successful, we got out and were back in Orshag hands, lovely. i feared that these Orshags wanted to put recycled serum into me or some other abominable substance, so i tried to reach my hand out to grab Bart and tell him to save me from that ugly fate, but he thought something else and just grabbed my hand and smiled like a big, blonde oaf. save me goddamnit! what a beautiful realisation of our wonderful relationship! i feel dehumanised, weakened, unable to talk, to see, to move, to do anything, and he just sits there and smiles!!!!!! DO SOMETHING, SHOW YOU CARE TO GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS DIRTY! I had to endure this "virus" thing which is what put me in the hospital, sick as I was, but my real place was near Lullaby, who was probably taken care of by someone else, probably the girls, and the girls were going to suffer, and it was MY fault and my beautiful wise rational blonde prince was JUST SMILING LIKE A BIG OAF.
 
I wanted to sqeeze his hand till he screamed so that i could feel at least some sort of emotion coming from him, other than his damn smile. I wish I could drown his smile. I kn...
 
* * *
 
I'm sorry. I came back after going near a big fat wall and bumping my head against it. I did big bum bum on the wall, as one may say. I kinda overdid it, because now it hurts like, well, like the place we are in, hell. I never really had such anger towards Bart before. I can't even remember if I felt that anger back then or only now as I was writing this... Probably both... What sort of monster am I becoming...?
 
The others visited me later that day, or one day later...? Can't tell. I was still weak, but i could talk a little. Verfy and Nixie were indeed taking care of Lullaby, who was with them. She looked fine, Almighty be praised, but Verfy was very gloomy and I could feel Nixie was in a worse mood than usual too. They tried to hide it but I could feel the sweet caress of Balan on their cheeks. Hah. Maybe now they know how it is and will stop asking me to let them.
 
But no, they wanted to keep doing it, keep taking care of Lullaby! Many heroes in this party. Many many heroes. Wait till your entire being is turned against you, when you can't even...
 
ahahaha, maybe it's nothing, maybe Balan's influence is so small and frail it barely matters.... Can you imagine the anticlimactic end to this, journal? The girls taking care of Lullaby for weeks on end, while I suffer in stupidity. Then the girls come to me and say "Eve, we are actually quite fine. Why did Balan affect you so much?"
 
Oh, it's because IT WAS NEVER BALAN TO BEGIN WITH, IT WAS ME!!! GOOD 'OL EVE! Hahaha I'm the demon, I'm DEMON-EVE LIKE BART SAID SUCH A LONG TIME AGO. Bart, your genius and wisdom are excelled only by your sense of premonition! God bless you and your cute curls!
 
* * *
 
Sorry, I had to discharge my anger at something so I went to another room and started gnawing at a pillow. literally tore it apart. I couldn't do it in front of Lullaby, I don't want my madness to affect her in any way. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the incapable patient and she's the doctor. it's true she can't speak or do things herself, but she's always a calming presence. I still have a lot of urges to blame her for stuff, but no matter how hard axe-eve tries, i can't stay mad at her if I look at her. uh, she's getting VERY pregnant already.
 
oh oh oh oh oh I didn't tell you dear journal last morning I was dressing Lullaby and putting on her blouse and I felt a tiny kick from her abdomen and aaaaaaaah my heart melted. Don't tell anyone dear journal but I want a child. I'll never have one, I'm sure of that, and if I ever do I hope to God someone will come and take it away from me before I kill it, but not even Axe-Eve can take this away from me! i want to define good the best way one person can, by giving birth to someone!
 
that being said, the 9 months leading up to that are not the most pleasant thing in the world, as I can say I know first-hand. But Lullaby is so silent, so... calm.... It's almost eerie. I'm sure she is in pain sometimes. I'm sure maybe sometimes she's tired from walking, when we have to walk a lot. But nothing shows. not even a twitch of the muscles. No expression, no frown, no nothing.
 
I'm sorry, I can't focus today. I was writing about Bart I think yes well let that be, I can't era... No, no, no stop it Eve stop thinking about Bart, that's the safest way!
 
So, I was out of the hospital before long and back with the rest. I went to hug Lullaby and make sure she had everything she needed, but she was obviously fine, as the girls took good care of her. I just had to cut her nails, but lo and behold Nixie did that already. Oh well... I thanked them, but I did feel a little worried. Maybe I am truly mad, and the demon has barely any influence... This is just me, the real me....
 
Like Miyun says about herself... you see, after the hospital, she came to our room to hide or something, turned into a squirrel. she could do that, apparently. it startled me at first, but i quickly figured out who she was. The girls were trying to talk to Miyun. She had found out about Lullaby, apparently, I found out later. She came to see it for herself. She didn't realise Bajid had died in front of her. But she was there, wasn't she? I can't remember. What sort of excuse can this assassin-girl have No, Eve, stop! Bad Eve!
 
the girls came after Miyun and talked very nicely to her and then even Damaschini came with her clothes (when she turns into a squirrel she doesn't transform her clothes too, obviously). I didn't intervene. i want to help Miyun, but I feel as lost as she is, in that we both don't really know who we are. Miyun said she was a monster, and I wanted to say 'yes you are", but that was just Axe-Eve I think. She's no monster. She's just a girl who's had a lot on her plate, very little guidance, and made some really bad decisions. I just can't understand this Damaschini. for a guy literally called the black dragon, bane of Vormiol and co-creator of the common front, he's a big, black wuss. He can't inspire anything in anyone. Look at Miyun. THIS is what Damaschini's morals create? A girl with no compass, no love, no understanding? Oh sure he is sweet to her and loves her, but does he do anything more? Aaaah
 
* * *
 
I WILL KEEP BANGING MY HEAD TILL IT'S DEAD
 
* smudge*
 
In any other case of the anys and whos, we had to arrange the birthday party for Nixie. Our gift, the captain's hat equipped with symbols from everyone, sewed on patches attached to the leather, was ready and awaiting her. also the gift from the small-party itself, the cake of Zarkuz's head, was finished. F
 
No, no more Axe-Eve rantings or it's the wall for you, head! keep banging till it's dead
 
so, blabla, things happened, things occured, things .... thing'ed. We all came together to witness the presentation of the gifts for our captain. Dillen lead the presentations, and he first introduced a hand-walking Marc carrying the captain's hat on one of his legs. He even bent a knee to get the hat lower for Nixie to grab it. Nixie loved the hat to tears. I felt grateful. I just wanted some respite from the constant hell we're in, and in that moment I did not feel any Axe-Eve stuff, just the joy of seeing my friend and my captain happy, truly happy. i'm sure it felt the same for her. One moment of pause, if anything, from this doom...
 
And then Drenizek opened the door in front of which we had stopped, after being led there by Dillen. Inside was a dome, a big dome, with a garden in it... A garden arranged by the crew... well, mostly Drenizek, with plants from xy growing from pots and patches of soil, and then in the middle of the dome, a small podium with a white swing on it, in front of a big xy tree with red leaves... And in front of the swing, a small pond, with a patch of soil in the middle, with a hole, for the... yes, for the leaf that Tallion saved from the Primordial Beech.
 
I smiled. The garden was not really fully grown, a lot of plants were small, except for the tree, but... i could see their hand in everything, they even put some strings with white flags attached, and some of those butterfly floating lights from xy... And Isbel even showed me a corner where she'd buried a couple of onions from the Sapphire Sword, the last onions we had from the ship...................
 
Then of course Zarkuz's head, and my mood went down immediately. Why bring this ugly idiot's head in that beautiful moment? Oh well. We carved the cake and ate it, very tasty, kudos to Damaschini and Isbel (also i think Tallion pitched in, I don't understand why they don't let him cook more, if anything, Tallion is an excellent cook, as I fondly recall). Then we had a... party! Like in the good old days, where I was just damsel-Eve and there was just 1 end of the world, instead of 9, and where distances between our destinations was measured in leagues, not lightyears. of course, Nixie wanted a drinking game, and she wanted EVERYONE to participate.
 
I remember some bits of last night. I got drunk immediately and wanted to... dance, I think? Can't remember. Bart was fine at first but then he collapsed and then I saw Nixie drench him in a bottle of alcohol. He had been puking on Xixi before, though, so he earned that. I came to his alcohol-drenched face and started licking his face I think? I just wanted to make love to him but he rejected me by going to sleep.
 
Story of my life.
 
Well, that was it, I guess, I can't remember or recall much more than this. I wonder if the others can keep track of what's going on. I've decided to lock myself up more, avoid people, except my 1-2-3 hours with Bart. He usually comes and does stuff while I read or try to define Light or stuff. I actually braided a nice pillow for Lullaby, I was thinking about that time when I braided one for Sea. He's nice to me but sometimes I wish he'd just be a jerk and leave so I could come after him and hit him and scream at him all the words that I've been cooking up in this journal against him. And then maybe nothing else would be left but our love and I could find him again....
 
I don't know. This was my last break, I think, in a long time. Darn it.
 
May the Almighty protect us and forgive this useless madman that is me.