Trials

"Clashing swords, a demon's laughter" - Neles Enir, in Poems of Sildenas
 
Dear journal,
 
We're once again on the move. There's little wind, still, but the ship at least travels. Still a thick fog, maybe thicker than ever, and while there are no voices to be heard in the mist, we can still see the shapes of men and animals, plants and buildings, forming up and dissipating in the air around us. To the right, the coast, rocky and grey, continues. It's all we know. I don't know how much we'll have to carry on, but we're as prepared as we can be. Well, most of us, at least.
 
I'm writing this from the perspective of the day before yesterday, which was quite the busy one.
 
You see, dear journal, it was a very calm day, with barely any wind. We almost didn't move. So everyone had plenty of time to spare, well, the crew I mean. I was happy to continue reading the book on runes. I'm now trying to read through the various accounts of ancient, pre-Gavan rune magic that have been inscribed there. Usage of runes was very, very old, but the Gavans meticulously extracted some core principles, invented a few others, and set about a whole discipline, from the ground up, which allowed them to do wonders with these carved symbols. Organised minds... I envy them. I wouldn't be able to do that with my own.
 
So, going back to the action (sorry journal, I'm a boring one), there wasn't really any action on deck, so it seems people (Nixie, our apparently mean but secretly sensitive elf sorceress who now wants to get along with her crew of "babies") had the plan to organise this tournament to liven people up, keep them high on morale, and generally have an excuse to get drunk.
 
We also got to have another session of sharing our thoughts and trying to understand each other. Verfi and Bart especially love these. They say we need them to prepare in our fight against demons and other evil powers. I know we need to be closer, and to be able to quickly help one another, and not keep things bottled up... Hah. Look at us. Many of us are hiding personal problems, it's not easy. But I guess we should stop doing that... I don't know if I can, not easily. I keep things to myself, usually.
 
Well, we talked about what our biggest like and biggest dislike is. I felt we all liked our new friendship (I didn't say it, because everyone was saying it, but it is nice, I'm just not used to that). The Sylph was with us and she said something so amazing. She said she likes cookies and people who give her cookies. Which is probably true literally, but also probably meaning a bit more. And she dislikes silence. Yes. I completely agree. It was overall a nice moment, I think.
 
After that, I was enjoying my boring (to others) Gavan book, with the Sylph beside me. I am sure she doesn't know Gavan, but I think she likes to see what I think of what I read. I can't see her, obviously, but she's studying me. She's very perceptive. I'm afraid I'll make her sad, because, truth be told, I am sad. Well, we won't delve into that, won't we, journal? I promised to myself I'll be orderly, like the Gavans, and keep stupid thoughts out, focus on reading, understanding...
 
Who am I kidding? I'm ignoring my own problems, like some kind of Talion. But I don't want to think about them, so don't pressure me, stupid diary!
 
Mhm, going back, I was reading when Talion and Bart both showed up in our room. Talion wanted to talk to the Sylph, with Bart some kind of... helper? I think? Probably Talion was too afraid to do it alone. Why were they together in this, I don't really know. I felt something stuck in my throat, somehow, when I saw them. They came with too many of my problems and thoughts. Why? Don't ask me why. Please.... I just wanted time to calm down, but I can't like this! When I saw them both together, there, I thought of my talks with Talion, and the swim with Bart, and I felt guilty, stupid and... well. I heard the giggles of my Ionolian "Friends": whore.
 
How could I love one man but only feel glad around the other? It's called being a whore, I guess.
 
Anyway, I darted out of there, leaving them alone with the Sylph. I really hope Talion gets to see how kind she really is, and start connecting with her. She needs him probably even more than she needs the rest of us. He's the one whose thoughts hurt her back then. I'm sure he's the key to making her feel better. So he better not hurt her again and he BETTER stop ignoring her.
 
I got to talk with the girls right after that. They saw me being a sad little mop in some corner somewhere and came to peer-pressure me. I'm mean. They wanted to help, but... I don't like talking to people about myself, but people never seem to get that, because, well, it's true I like attention. Ugh, Nutcase-Eve strikes again. Anyway, they told me to cheer up slowly, but surely, you know, actually DO something to cheer up, instead of brooding around my book. They did warn me that the Sylph is sad that I am sad. And that hurt, not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. Because I'm trying my best to take care of the Sylph, I must be spending 90% of my time around her, making sure she's comfortable, talking to her about stupid little stuff like flowers and interesting potions and the runes I read about and whatever Nutcase-Eve nonsense I can spew, and she's there with her little mask and her little light in her right eye probably smiling and being an altogether bundle of sweetness, and I don't want to mess it up... I really try to protect her. I even thought about trying to get her into some nicer clothes, I wanted to start working at some kind of new cape and a dress, maybe white, but I have no material, no loom of any kind, almost nothing, really... And I don't think she wants other clothes. I have no other idea, other than, well, being happy myself? The girls said it would help her. I know that, but... Goddamnit, how am I supposed to make others happy when I can't be myself!? It makes sense, that's the most annoying thing.
 
As I was thinking these thoughts while my head nodded and my mouth spoke some sounds, we heard Bart's cry. We immediately rushed back to our room, only to find the Sylph on her knees, in front of the bed, making a very heartbreaking sound. I assume she wanted to say something so bad, she didn't care that she couldn't speak. I hated myself in that second, because I couldn't help. Then I hated Talion, because I immediately realised he did something. Then I calmed down, but we had to see what was wrong with the Sylph. It seems Talion had said something about his former crew. They had fought, or, in any case, split up in anger, and left each other. Talion didn't even visit Damaschini in Ionolia (strange, right?) or their other crewmates, Mazog & Evhai, in Alomir (but Talion had the time to propose going to the library). Well, the Sylph cared about these crewmates and about their fight, so she was sad to sense that Talion still carried some grudges, I think. What a man. Can carry a grudge into the grave, but can't hold on to love for one second...
 
I was very emotional. But I got my act together and helped her reach her bed. She then did something incredible, she asked for a hug from Talion himself, and she hugged him so hard, a small piece did fall from her.... Even now as I write this a day later, I feel my eyes moist. Why is she so pure? How!? And this uni-dimensional, magic-spewing oaf can't even let go of some stupid grudge or whatever is in his mind? Who am I kidding? I should look at my own idiocy. I MUST change myself. The Sylph is my model. My Sylph-destiny may be more than just to bring her home and care for her. I know she cares for us all. She's like a child, but I bet she does have some very mature thoughts. In her childlike, innocent and pure way, she is wiser than all of us. What a being...
 
Well, after this swirl of emotions, we all got back to our business, as Nixie and the others were getting ready for the tournament. I wasn't particularly keen on participating in any party, so I stayed put. Some fights were about to start, and I saw Verfys, Heron, Bart and Talion join in the contestants. I watched some of them. Talion told us to call him Pullius, apparently in order to give up on his name, and the value he places on it, in order to find his true self. I can understand that now, but then I hated him for it, if only because him trying to find his true self seems hypocritical after how he treated me. He didn't tell us about this Pullius thing. It's weird how he randomly chooses to do this and that, at random times. And he wants to find his true self? Maybe if he started that earlier, he wouldn't have had to drag me along for this horrible ride of emotions. If Talion was the one that left me, Pullius is the one that clearly doesn't even know who I am. Maybe it's better. Oh, yes, it is.
 
Anyway, I don't like fights, I'm not a fancy-pansy, but I just don't particularly enjoy seeing two guys pummeling each other with fists. Granted, some of the fights were more than that. I got to see Verfi try to knock down our muscle-man Heron. They both seemed to have some smart tactics, but in the end Heron's grunt prevailed over Verfi's nimbleness. A good fight.
 
I resumed my reading through most of the other fights, though I did look up to see how the rest were doing. Bart duelled the ship herbalist, it was kind of easy for him to dance around him and hit him here and there, before the herbalist had enough. As for Talion, he fought the cook, almost got beaten, but managed to subdue his foe. The cook was visibly upset. Don't know why, but I think there's something about him. Can't put my finger on it.
 
Then we got to a very weird matchup. Bart vs Talion. I kind of felt sick again. I wanted to leave, well, because I felt it was an allegory... God, Eve. You idiot. Anyway, I stayed to watch, from afar. Bart got a very good start by taking the rope-ladder from the main mast and using it to stop Talion. Talion took out his belt and tried to use it against Bart, but then people started booing both of them for using weapons, so they dropped them. Bart gave Talion a very well-placed punch and then proceeded to keep the upper hand for the next minutes, as Talion tried to find his feet. Talion was more resilient, but he couldn't really find Bart in order to hit him. And then... They were tackled, on the ground, and Talion suddenly pushed Bart out so hard, Bart was propelled into the main mast. I remember wanting to scream, but I contained myself. Verfi was so shocked she fell off the ship. I tried to rush towards any of them. I saw Xebec take two huge steps towards the ledger and then jump into the water. I was running towards Bart. He was conscious, in one piece, but battered. I picked him up and tried to get him in our room. The others came as well.
 
We had a little talk with Talion. Apparently, he didn't want to do this. He just felt un unconscious urge to use up all his power on one move, or something like that. The demon, Axiol, was pulling his strings. Can you imagine living next to this man!? I can't. Not any more. I dreamt of being married with him, and ... Ugh. No, I'll stop rambling about stupid old dreams (they ARE old, like one-and-a-half years old, it's hard to dream of being married while being abandoned for a year by your would-be groom). I don't really want to say much more than this. We told Talion he should get his act straight, that it's dangerous to let a demon go so deep, and Bart...
 
I have to stop, dear journal, and warn you that I'm not falling for him. I am just stating some facts, no strings attached it's not that I fancy him, I just think he did a good job, so please don't judge this any other way.
 
Bart was incredibly composed. He told Talion he should get a grip, but in a nice way. And he told him they should stay in the same room, battle these unconscious thoughts together. I was really asking myself "hmm, what unconscious thoughts? Is it because of me? Well, obviously" and I felt guilty. But Bart really was amazing, I mean... I couldn't ask of him to be this nice to anyone who lets demons trigger unconscious powers to propel him into the mast, and yet he was nicer than I could imagine. He made all of us realise that it's time to stay together, more than ever.
 
We were all past the initial moment of confusion and anger. So we all got to fix it. Heron, Nixie and Verfi calmed the crew down and saved the party. I got to apologise to Talion for being a true Demon-Eve. I think he needs to know I don't hate him. I don't. I can't hate the man I adored for so long. But I now see him in a truly different light.
 
As the party resumed, well, yes, the tournament was over. We still had something to talk about, as a group. It seems Heron wants to take over as party leader. I don't think Talion needs this, he does like to be the voice of authority, but it's true we can't really trust him. But maybe that's why we should trust him now. I don't know. I found the whole topic repugnant, at the time.
 
They started playing a game to determine the winner. A riddle-drinking game. I got involved a little. I don't know. I didn't like last night. They were all having a good time, but I couldn't. I couldn't face sweet Sylph either, not in my state. My sadness would've hurt her. So I took my new friend - the bottle - and had a little chat. Whores usually get drunk, I hear.
 
Bart was somewhere, I don't know. Not around. He came after me later in the night. I was too dizzy to understand exactly what I was doing, but still sober enough to understand I was making a fool of myself. Still, I managed to one-up myself and fall into the water. Bart and Heron jumped and got me out, they gave me some clothes and I went to sleep. I remember thinking only this: now Bart knows I'm a despicable piece of garbage. Maybe it's also better. Yes.
 
I remember seeing weird shapes in the pitch-black water. Where was the light from the ship, or anything? I don't know. The darkness was devouring. But the lights down there... Ugh. This water is indeed bad news. Hope none of us falls again. Poor Verfi.
 
I am alone in my room now. The Sylph was by my side, but she went away. I can't face the others. I'm trying to hide behind my big Gavan book, hehe, big enough to cover my sad face. Talion Pullius probably forgot about me, but it's ok, I feel that I have overcome that bridge. I am cured of him, once and for all. After last night, I realised how weak-mindedness can ruin people easily. I decided to be strong. I have the Ael Velle flag next to me. I am tough-cookie-Eve now. So, no more brooding. Talion is gone, now he's Pullius anyway. I loved him, yes, but I didn't see how I was hurting myself in doing that, or how he barely seemed to understand or really, truly, care; I don't love him at all any more. Strange, right? My feelings were pure, I know that, but what's purity when there's nothing to put it in?
 
I just wish I hadn't made such a bad impression on some people. It's fine, I can fix it, I hope, after all I ....
 
 
*smudge*