Dear Nixie

I write this letter in a late hour. You will probably not understand why, at first. But I know you will, in time. It's so weird I probably don't entirely comprehend it either, now.
 
But I can't waste ink and paper on that. I wanted to write you about something. This day was a blessed and cursed day. The souls of all of us were stripped naked for all to see. Did you feel it? Maybe no more than a glimpse, but it was enough for those who have eyes to see.
 
We do not march to the end of the World, dear Nixie. We march through it. When we decided on that, whether we knew it or not, we decided to abandon a part of ourselves. A part that would live in complacency, or face only the dim challenges of normal folk. Now, every turn is a question so big the World itself rests upon your shoulders. Each problem, a challenge as big as mountains. Each setback, a defeat worth a thousand wars lost. We have the flag of the Ael Velle, and this is our war.
 
Talion told us about the end. The Apocalypse. The dragons, everything. Death. Death coming from all sides. Just like here, in the Desolation. Our boat, dear Nixie, is the world. And we are attacked.
 
That being said, I can come to my main point. I know you had a hard time today. We all had, but you had it harder than most. For you, my dear Nixie, believe in our war, but do not feel the hope to fight it.
 
When Mark's life was on the line, your mind strayed. I know that. You must have listened to Dillen and felt that he has reason, and a point. He might, in a world of animals, in a world of plants, in a world of rocks and water. Not in the world of the spirit. Not in His world, as He created it. I couldn't explain it to anyone. And I didn't really talk to anyone about why I wanted Mark alive, not even to Bart. But I somehow feel I want to share this with you, Nixie, for you are both in huge doubt and have the clarity and desire for this understanding.
 
I told you how life is infinite in value. Each life. Each soul. What is a soul? It's a shard of something, a part of God? Not quite, I think. Our soul is unique, the thing that can't be taken. Once it exists, it never ceases, for it is in the shape of our Creator. The rest... it transforms. But then, what is life? The soul has no life, or eternal life, if you will. It doesn't die. Life is a condition of the soul, to stay here, in the material realm. Each soul is unique and alone in its way, but we are all alike to our Creator who loves us, so are we alone? No. We want back. We need to be back. So, obviously, life is shaped around that thought. But we barely know what and who we are. We understand so little of life and ourselves. God gives us this life so that we may exist to return to him. It's like... a tree sprouts acorns, and the acorns naturally fall to the ground, but the tree does sprout them, because the acorns can grow as well, and meet with the Father-tree in the heavens above... So, life is a gift for us. Something we possess but have no understanding or control thereof.
 
That is why we do not know why people who deserve to die live, and people who deserve to live die. We clearly have no say in that. But God... He knows. You believe in free will. I sense that. I am glad. The strong acknowledge they must always choose. We must always choose, there's no use in denying our responsibility. And our choice can impact others, sometimes for eternity...
 
So this choice was a life over other lives. But it was more than that. It was a choice of being like God, or behaving like humans and leaving God to it. For killing Mark meant believing that we knew better when to end a life. That we knew this way things were better off, as if that life was created by us, for us to take it!!! Yes, our decision would have made us responsible of the death of others. I have four men on my conscience! And they scream in my ear, and they will scream in my ear for all eternity, of that I am sure. But killing Mark... That would have been far, far worse a crime. Mark was not ready. You saw him. If he died... It would have been bad for him. And even if it had been good (we can't know)... could we tell? No! We don't know what is better! The choice to let Mark live meant protecting ALL life, shielding all of it from destruction. That is why it was better.
 
Come a million ghosts over a million men, for the life of one, and I will choose to never lay my hand to kill another. For no matter how horrible, how terrible, how destructive the forces that come bearing down upon us are.... Life is stronger. Life is from God. Life is our great gift. We can't squander it, for ourselves or for others. In this world which descends into chaos, we must protect this more than anything else. This gift.
 
If we follow our hope, and protect life, and observe righteousness in our heart, we may yet die. But at least I'll know it is for the better. For our choice.... it was a choice for GOOD. If that means our death, do not despair. It's only because we can't really comprehend.
 
You see, dear Nixie, we are never alone. God is up there, he does not come to save the Good from death if death is what is needed. He does not choose FOR us. But He will observe our choice. It took me a while to understand some of these things, I am a stubborn one, after all. But that's why I am all the more sure today.
 
I can feel you want all this to be so, you want to feel life as this precious thing, but are shrouded by the Evils and follies in it. I know. I have felt them only too well. These last months were heavy on me. I wanted to forget about certain things. When I decided to abandon Talion, I wanted to abandon all love and affection for all wordly things. Because I felt they had betrayed me. I wanted, more than anything, to be alone.
 
But alone is never possible. Doesn't it warm your heart if only a little, to know that? No matter what, you can never be alone. So, no despair. No grief. Nothing is ever lost, while we have this wonderful gift, Life, on our side. While we have life, we can rise back, fix a mistake, build, learn, feel. So, yes, I will never choose a man's life over mortal danger for any number of others.
 
I probably didn't make any sense. I'm sorry, Nixie. I was never the persuasive type. I want you to know something, though. For a second during the battle, I felt regret. I wanted to rescind my vote. I am a coward, you weren't. You had your doubts when you voted, not afterwards, like coward-Eve. I wanted you to know this, of all people. I know you will not judge me. I think you want me to think you would. Heh.
 
From the Continent where you come from, you probably never heard of Ules. He lived a long time ago, in a random place. His people were forgotten to history books. He lived in the early days when the Sight happened on Marion hill. His parents were simple folk. He himself was... well... very simple. He was born with very few bones, and no arms or legs. He couldn't speak or eat properly, he could barely think, he couldn't move, he was as good as dead. His parents not only spared him, but cared for him. Even if everyone told them not to. He lived in suffering, for breathing itself was hard for him.
 
But he lived. Somehow, defiant of all we know of our bodies, he could live to reach adulthood. And, on one particular day, his mouth moved, and his eyes became moist. He spoke, for the first time in his life. He announced that He had come to take His flock back.
 
He died the very next second.
 
He is our greatest saint, and his body is at the very foundation of Marion Cathedral.
 
Good night, Nixie. Sleep well.
 
There are many fights to be had.
 
May the Almighty forgive us.