Long baths - not alone

"Brave the black shores, and don't look back towards the light; it will shine through you" - Great Ordinator Illien the Great, upon reaching the Fools' Peninsula
 
Dear journal,
 
There's so much to tell about these past two days! I feel very excited, so I will try to be swift and as non-boring as I can get; well, you know me already, heh, I only talk about my own stupid problems like the paper-girl I am.
 
So, I had a very rough morning after I last wrote in you. The moisture almost ruined the paper. I'm sorry. I still remember when I bought you, two months ago, I was so excited to have you, I decided to keep you in this lovely leather casing, bind you with the best rope and keep you in my little bag. I cared for you and made sure no one else saw you, as if you were some kind of secret great artifact. Well, you were, I mean a friend those days was just as rare as a great artifact, so yeah.
 
Now I barely keep you afloat in all this water. I'm sorry, it's not that I don't care for you anymore, I am so all over the place I can't keep being so tidy and organized. As if I were as much before! Well, I still want to protect you, I have so many important thoughts here, maybe in one year or two I'll be able to take you out, read you out loud and laugh myself to death. I fear for the soul that may find and read you.
 
I got derailed. I had a very whirlwind day yesterday, dear journal. As you remember, I was immensely sad and desperate, I felt everything was going to be a total disaster, I hated myself for bringing Bart in a hopeless situation. Well, I had to confront Bart about it. The rest were preoccupied with either doing something about the seawater (Nixie tried to convince Pullius to purify the cursed water - as if) or simply training. I pulled Bart apart for a while and told him my fears. I felt so good simply sharing my stupid little panics. I can't believe people can actually do that: spill the beans on all their nonsense to people that may even feel offended or aghast by them, and actually see these people listen to and understand that nonsense. Well, not people, Bart. I mean, I'm not used to that, and I don't think many people are. So I am lucky. That realisation made me a little braver that day. I wanted to come out and tell them I chose to be by Bart's side. You know, his right side, where he has that nice beauty mark under his ear, hihi.
 
Anyway, Bart was a little hesitant to tell people, he wanted to just behave naturally around them and let them realise what was going on, which, honestly, I felt was kind of stupid. Why not come out in all honesty, cut the nonsense, cut the grins, the suggestions, the whispers? Be upfront. I know I am nutcase-Eve plunging into things, maybe that's why... Well, I didn't hold it against Bart. I learnt not to be so quick to judge him, he's probably stronger than I am, you know, emotionally.
 
I am proud to say, however, that Bart still did what I wanted him (and me) to do. I am honestly very, very glad. Verfys and Bart had gathered us for another one of those sessions where we get to share our feelings and understand each other (Bart and I came holding hands, I felt so nervous...) And Verfys... well, our fighter-elemental is, as I said, very perceptive. She was well in on our not so little affection. I had even left a little nutcase-mark on Bart's neck, ugh. Maybe she saw it. In any case, she said "Let's talk about a feeling we had kept hidden from the rest". So, so very cheeky of her. Well, off we went.
 
Verfys said she feels upset about Ta Pullius. Oh well, I guess not even the strongest walls can be left unbreached by the sheer power of Pullius' insufferableness. Sometimes. These days, that's for sure. And Bart then decided to open up and tell everyone about us. I must've squashed his hand, God, Eve, he must think I'm not just mad, but psychotic. I was just enormously nervous... Pullius simply blabbered some words and left in a hurry and I felt the world collapsing. I felt judged and hated and dirty and a whore and a bad woman and a demon-Eve. And I wanted to bury myself somehwere. But Bart and Nixie calmed me down, and Verfys went after Pullius, but couldn't make him to return.
 
I don't know, dear journal, I expected something like this, but it still hurt. Talion is the person that should know me best. I expect him to be as upfront with me as I was with him. If he wanted to call me a whore, please, do it in my face. Don't run and gossip about me with your demon-friend. I felt betrayed. Because I felt that I had betrayed him, but that in fact I didn't and that he will never understand that I didn't. Does it make sense? I guess not.
 
It's not easy. It really isn't. Whatever I had for Talion left a huge hole in me when it was pulled out like gold from the mineshaft. Now I'm an abandoned mine, like the one in Vazakis, and Bart, the sweet, went in to build some nice runes in it. I just hope he knows I truly f... feel... well, you know, really like him. In may different ways. Truly. Ugh, I'm horrendous.
 
Anyway, I'm getting incoherent, and not because it's late, but the emotions from that day, I can feel them pulsating through my hand and into the ink. Much like old elvish (I'll talk about that later). So, we finally told everyone, and I had that talk with the girls and Bart and felt better. Pullius never came to talk to me after that. Not a single word. I still don't feel very good about it. But I'll wait. We decided to wait.....
 
After that, I could finally start to feel some sunshine in my eye. I could hold Bart's hands. Dear journal, they are very soft hands with long fingers (fit for a musician) and I love them. So that made me very happy. If I only thought of that, I was the happies poppy in the field. So we went with Nixie to the Black Sylph to learn old Elvish (Nixie's idea - really love them, they are all brainy in their own ways). You know what, I want to make a new list, with brainy types:
 
Verfys - perceptive-brainy
Nixie - syntethic-brainy
Bart - analytic-brainy
Heron - emotion-brainy
Talion - void-brain
 
So, we started. I tried my best to understand, but... I was amazed. I can't explain in enough words in here, I think I'll write a separate log at the end of you. I don't know. Old Elvish is not a language. It's the Word, multiplied and explained. It's not a construct earthly beings can create. Well, they can understand it, obviously (since it is a spoken language, at least once it was spoken). But they couldn't have created this. And the Sylph actually is so good at explaining it without talking. She writes these amazingly cute symbols around the words (some above, some beneath, and it's relevant, I think above ones are sources and the ones beneath are targets). The language revolves around the importance of the Word and the feelings and values attached, and intonation and accents are all influenced by it. It is the perfect language to sing.
 
By the way, if anyone wanted proof of God, I'll try to explain old Elvish to them. Actually no, I'd not share such a valuable secret, unless it's a good man. Don't let enemies know your secrets, Eve.
 
It was an overall incredible experience. And we'll keep learning. I am so excited for it, we make a good team, the Sylph, Bart, Nixie and I. I'd call Verfys too, I'm sure she'd like it (and see stuff we wouldn't) but she's so busy training with Xebec and this Goznian guy Vadrek (Oh, we'll talk about Vadrek...). After we finished, I went to have my little lesson with Bart on diplomacy and the art of not annoying people with my nutcase-ways. It was a fun one, but Bart couldn't really focus, because, well, I had this irresistible urge to smile at him in very cheeky ways. A botched session, on one part. But we were too excited about the whole thing, so I don't care. Then, Bart said he wanted to sleep in our room, because of... well... Pullius.
 
I have to stop and add I am really upset Pullius couldn't communicate ONE feeling after all of this. And, you know what? He never cared about me. At all, the pig. The idiot. Zakis pan taone, he should get that, it's in Vormiolese. Now he cares!? Only when he KNOWS he will hurt me by being so horrible. Well, yes, he loves to torture me. Not consciously. Ah, yes, I forgot. His good friend is in his subconscious.
 
Oh, I should stop. I'm sorry, Almighty. I have little patience. I'm a nutcase-Eve again. Should calm down. I want to ask for forgiveness. I'll wait for Talion. Pullius. Ugh. I can't. I'll try to call him Pullius.
 
Anyway, Bart slept in our room and I felt a little weird. Because of what had happened in that room the day before. I slept beside the Sylph. I won't leave her side, even if I must confess I'd love nothing more than to be in the same room with Bart and have a little intimacy. But, again, my Sylph-destiny is my destiny.
 
Today I woke up early. The first morning in years when I actually felt really, really happy. You know the feeling when your day starts out great? You can do everything. I was everywhere. Well, no, obviously, actually just in our room. I had a little plan. The Sylph and I pried into our reserve of sheets and stuff and found a lot of white material which we used to sew six simple tunics with the white banner, silver sword and three stars of the Ael Velle, for us six. The Sylph didn't want one, I think, but I still explained to her that she didn't need one, because she was our purpose and our little big jewel we wanted to protect. And the tunic would signify just that. A new war, which we didn't fight to destroy something (like a lich) but to help her. Oh. I just love her SO much.
 
When I was done, I saw some commotion on deck. They were all absorbed in this quarrel on food and alcohol rations. Well, the latter, mostly. And I think Nixie and Verfys keep doing something regarding the cook, I have seen them very interested in him. Why, I don't know. Anyways, it seemed like a lively day on deck, this Drenizek guy was very loud in his desperation, something about the complete lack of alcohol. He's a very colorful character, Xebec has a weird taste in crewmates. I don't necessarily trust these people, but for now they seem competent enough.
 
A little later that day, however, something bad happened, because we found the Sylph was in pain. Her back had started to hurt again. I felt so devastated, I thought maybe the mask and everything would be more helpful. Verfys tried to say a little prayer and help her, but poor Verfys wanted everything to be fixed right away, and she was frustrated to see it didn't work out that way.... I understand her. I mean, look at this little bundle of pure goodness, how can anyone not try their best to help her!? (PULLLIUS YOU IMBECILE DO SOMETHING)
 
We tried to stay with the Sylph and just surround her with good feelings, maybe make her feel the presence of the Desolation less acute. I think that's the problem. She can feel it, the destruction, the curse. I don't know. She has to fight these feelings and prevail over them, but she is so pure I don't think she can battle such horrendous feelings. She needs our help, we are tainted enough to fight Evil. That's a little irony of the universe. The tainted can fight Evil, the pure would be oblivious to it. I think. Or I'm just a heretic, God, Eve, did you even learn religion?
 
I started to read my third book I had taken with me. "Letters to a Better Man" by Illien the Great. I love it. I think this man can explain almost every moral conundrum. I have to pause the action and explain something. I have decided my Sylph-destiny compels me to act on my Ael Velle and actually be of use. Bart also inspired me to be more. To sense more. I want to help them. I want to be strong. Maybe I'm a paper-girl and a small poppy, but I want to be a diamond-poppy so I won't break. I'll train hard and understand. Illien the Great is a beautiful start, he has a wonderful passage on how the Love that creates is ours to use as well, not just for the Almighty, but we are weak and we can't really create (except the miracle of birth, that's why women will always have the advantage -hah!) but we can mend what is broken. And by this, we can heal, just by touch. I was awestruck. I want to delve deeper in this.
 
Well, going back to the action, Verfys wanted to ask Bart and I about religion. Bart told her to basically simplify her thoughts and find faith easier than Verfys made it out to be. I agreed. I explained to her how I had complicated my life with books and philosophies only to find out the little I know by just letting go and finding the truth within my essence.
 
Then, out of the blue, the most random thing ever: one of the Goznians, Vadrek the... Skullbreaker I think they call him, told Verfys that the Almighty has "boys" who are lesser Gods and help him and started spewing out these confusing pagan ideas which Verfys started to absorb. I kind of panicked and was a little rude with him ( told him to ready a bath for me - Nixie had arranged warm-barrel-baths in the empty room, I know, amazing!). He was rude back (obviously) and was very curious to see why I believed there was only one God.
 
We wound up deciding to fight to each show what we meant by our faith. I had decided, on the spot, that I would beat him. But not by hitting him. I don't know. When I have these moments, I don't really use my poppy-brain, I use my nutcase-heart and go all in. I think Bart finally realised I am a crazy woman that should be thrown overboard. If he likes me after this, I'm really lucky.
 
We fought, indeed. He threw himself at me, tried to let him go all the way to the other side (And fall), but he was better than that. He struck me well, so I decided there was no point in ducking. I moved even closer. If he wanted to hit me, he should bloody well hit the paper-girl. Needless to say I received the fist of my life, I think I chipped a tooth. I felt blood in my eyes. I was scared I was going to die. But I was not going to let one fist beat me. I had to fight the Desolation, that was a fleabite by comparison. I mustered all my feeling. I had nothing in me, I'm a poppy, but I had other things going on. A Sylph to protect, a mission to accomplish, a fight to fight. The sword is silver because it is not forged of iron, or by human hands.
 
I can't believe I was still standing after that. The Goznian took me by the end of my shirt and lifted me up, saying that I'm the winner. All I could think of was how sore my face was getting. I wanted to cry, but somehow I didn't. I was able to limp to Bart and tell him I'm crazy.
 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
He still wanted to come with me and have a BATH. I was so happy I forgot I had blood in my eyes and a chipped tooth and blood in my mouth and a sore face (well I washed up a little before going into the bath, of course). I never felt happier. I don't want alone-baths any more. I want baths with Bart. Long baths, but not relaxing.