Towards the last steps

"Do. Then you may die" - inscription on the Tower of the Ilmenites in Soldinia
 
It's early morning in the camp. Anevys was awake and seeing me up she asked me if I wanted to finish my journal. Hah, look at her. She knew I had wanted to write a little more. So here we are, in another tent, once again, so I don't disturb anyone, dictating these lines.
 
I feel melancholic this morning. Not sure why. Maybe it's the result of all those intense feelings I got to experience yesterday. It is also quite a gloomy morning. There's a light drizzle, left over after that ghastly storm from yesterday, when the skies cried blood...
 
They cried blood because of what had happened at the end of the battle. Well, the very thing that ended it, really. I would learn it from the others. Lullaby had faced Xantinya, Nixie had faced her son, and the others had fought lich-lords and Haldric, who also showed up to help Xantinya.
 
I heard how Nixie unleashed the full force of that white fire that she had started to stir after her dream of the burning diamond. And how that fire consumed her, and turned into huge flames forming the terrible Eye. All those moments of "understanding" and "knowledge" and all that talk about her embracing our sacrifice and taking up the mantle of some sort of Elven warrior proved to be fake promises brought by the Devil... but, on that same occasion, of great betrayal, desperation and shame, Nixie made her own choice, her own stand, made up her own mind and formed her own view. As Lullaby dashed to her, to help her beat the horrifying flames that were consuming her very life essence, Xantinya thought it was the moment to strike. Lullaby tried to mobilize Nixie, and hugged her, and then Nixie did something, she did something that was no given power, no gifted knowledge, it was her own deeper spiritual epiphany, perhaps, or her own strength, the one she often forgets she has.
 
Her real strength is her care. Intensely, truthfully, innocently, in many ways, even in the cheekiest of moments, she retains that innocence of thought, somehow. Now, she directed this strength at the Evil bearing down on her from both within and without. And managed to expel it, and shrugged Xantinya's attack off. In the end, no matter how much suffering, no matter how much injustice, no matter how much trickery and thievery the devils use, it won't break Nixie's care. She may shout she doesn't, but don't believe her, dear journal.
 
Usually she just hides under a rock and pretend the world is not there, around her, with its wicked ways. But yesterday she hid under no rock. I am endlessly proud of her. Thank you, dear Master, for helping her do this. You fool.
 
I smile now, if only a little. They all turned into something more this fight, didn't they? Damaschini changed a lot, too. He embraced the evil within him, the mistakes and sins of his kind, somehow... transcending them. And he breathed white flames like that of an Elf, but strong and engulfing, like normal fire. Alas, it was arcanic power, and it shattered the lich he was fighting. The same lich that had killed poor Isbel...
 
I heard Isbel fought Haldric and managed to stop him, even if Xantinya had given him immense power. A small girl, barely having learned to swing a sword... stood before a magically-enhanced king, and stood well.
 
Tallion, it seems, had led the spirits of all fallen Ionolian mages, and together, they brought down the lightning from the Heavens to cleanse the undead. He had also weaved his magic to protect others, truly transcending his ordinary training to become a true master of magic.
 
Verfy endured wounds and pains no normal human, elemental, erlagon or even troll should be able to endure. She kept her swords pointed only at the enemy, always at the enemy, always fighting, always giving it all, and she slew two big commanders, an Orc and a lich... She almost died, but in the process she started, t'seems, to understand more about her fire sword of entropy, and I know her perceptive brain will soon find a way to make her even stronger with it.
 
And, of course, my Bart... not only is he the only man in history to have put an Elf in a vase, he has saved the lives of the others several times, and he shrugged off that blasted Eye's gaze, and helped all of them do so... Not even his hideous gaze could stop my Bart...
 
That would have been enough to make me wonder just.. how. How can such people exist? But another big surprise, to me, was this idiotic Woranian king, this Haldric, the man that the nobility, the Vormiolese, even Damaschini despised and disconsidered. A good-for-nothing, not even strong or threatening in any way.... Yet...
 
Yet he did what none of us could. He stopped Xantinya. Not by fighting her, no. He just asked her to stop, and she did. And when he got killed by her son, Xantinya struck the stupid tin-elf almost shattering him to oblivion. Why was she so distraught? Why did she flee? She had no will to fight, was that it? Was she confused by her own feelings? Maybe, deep down, she realized, after spending so many years in our world, that this is not Hell, that this is better? Did she find something here that she thought couldn't exist?
 
I am suddenly troubled by it. Well, one thing is certain. Lullaby didn't want to fight her in those circumstances. Maybe she saw in her a little of what she herself had felt and is obviously still feeling. Hm.
 
In the end, our Values won. In a weird way, as I said.
 
It just makes me melancholic.
 
Are we, the ones who prevailed today, even carrying them? They seem to. But do they enjoy its fruit? I don't know. Are we going to be happy? It's a stupid thought, but... what happens after? Let's say we win. Well, I'll be fine, maybe one of the happiest, I have Bart and a future with him. But some of the others... I'm a little afraid that the...
 
And I'm not so sure about myself. Lately, I have this impression. I can't survive this. I don't know why I think this way. I just feel those horrendous thoughts and images in my head and the drums and the voices and........ It feels... wrong. Wrong to exist like that. I don't know. This war is taking its toll on everyone. I sure hope the others don't have that issue.
 
* * *
 
I saw Drenizek walk by and stopped to ask him what he was doing. He couldn't sleep too much, he said. He wanted to train. Train, with one hand in stiches? Yes, he said, he doesn't need 2 hands for every bit of exercise. He was also trying to think of a way to keep Marc afloat while doing it. He was very worried for him.
 
"Marc is a strong one, he will pull through" I said.
 
"Yes, but if he loses his smile... What do we end up saving?" he replied, with an almost whispered voice.
 
Truth is I cannot imagine Marc without his smile, his dumb observations, his innocent remarks, his cries to run away, hide, or otherwise not go face-first into danger. Then again, I couldn't imagine Drenizek like he is today.
 
I will make sure Marc recovers his smile. Soon, we will fight the battle for the solstice. I don't know what kind of battle that will be. Where, with whom, I just know a battle still is coming. With Xantinya, probably.
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"You know that feeling when you are fine, you are simply fine. Nothing is wrong, all is actually quite well. You go on with your life, and laugh, and eat, and sleep. But all your anchors are thrown and no wind in your sail can move you along. Some things happened. Maybe not as bad as many things happening around you. You are not broken, not devastated. You are not down, or not anymore. You are fine.
 
A joke is funny. You know. But you are straight-faced. A good dinner is good, and you know. You smile, but then the smile disappears. Nothing can take hold. There's this feeling. No sustain. No smile, no laughter, no joy can be sustained. You lose it as quickly as you gained it. You find yourself too serious, too troubled, too quiet. And still you are fine. So you shouldn't complain, you don't, but then, it's also not like before.
 
Where's the energy? It's there, only... no sustain. It disappears. Nothing changed, not in the second. But calculating in hours, and days, and weeks, you see the difference. Your seconds are the same, but not your hours.
 
And you are fine. So there's nothing to change, so you can't escape this. You are cursed, but you are healthy."
 
Thank you for the explanation.