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9 July 585 AC

No good

by Eve Parion

Dear journal,
 
I woke up. I can't sleep. I'm suddenly terrified. I don't know why. I had this great day, all these beautiful feelings, now they all scare me, I didn't do it the right way, I knew it, they will all judge this, I never wanted to be hated or despised even though I was, even though I will be.
 
I'll get back to sleep, I feel a little better. Probably. Did I just make things worse? I don't know anything yet.
 
I want to pray, but I'm afraid even of that. Am I that bad? Stupid-Eve jumping face first, I'll just ruin everything.. Please no, God who art in Heaven. I am not a bad girl. I really am not. If I am, smite me off this ship and save Bart and the rest. I'm a nutcase, forgive me.
 
If anyone were to read you, dear journal, they'd probably smite me off the ship, though.
 
***
 
I keep waking up. I climbed on deck. I think it's morning, the fog is thick, like we are drifting through clouds. I do feel like a lonely rain drop here. It's cold and very, very humid, my skin is crawling water drops and shriveling at every new one, but I don't mind.
 
I'm all alone here, now. I have failed with Tali Pullius, now I am so afraid I have already failed with Bart. Why can't I be more secure, I usually have this mad-certainty kind of energy I simply lack now.
 
Did you know, dear journal, that there is an ancient story about rain drops falling on the leaves of a Dey-plant, one of those big-leafed shrubs which have two smaller, blue-ish leaves in the middle? Smooth surfaced and thick, all the leaves, except the blue ones. And water drops fall right off the normal leaves, but are caught in the blue ones. I don't really know why, maybe it brightens the color. I like to think that's the reason. And the legend - I think a Sea Peoples' legend - says that the rain drops falling off the Dey-plant are enchanted with curing powers if they fall right off the leaves, but are cursed if they fall from the blue ones. And as ages pass, the Dey-leaves that let the raindrops fall from their blue leaves curse the land, more and more. And its people, and its very gods.
 
And should one think that one needs more than one drop... No. A single raindrop falling can alter all. But the Dey-plant has no power in its own, neither has the raindrop.
 
And most drops fall off the big, chunky leaves. They do, and they return to the ground, happily springing as new leaves for the Dey-leaf.
 
But the ones who dare to fall from the blue leaves... They will never sprout, they will never breathe life.
 
 
 
I look at my skin, and I see it blue.

Continue reading...

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by 3 Armored Kittens · Prodromos v.1.1 - World Anvil 0.9.15.045 © 2017-2025 [en] | Anvil Time: 09:23, Aug 10 2025