Cheeky

"Silence is our doom" - motto of the city of Marion
 
Dear journal,
 
It's late in the night, but the pitch black and mist aren't so bad any more. I'm alone on deck, no one noticed when I slipped out of my room. The girls were tired from their trainings. The Sylph surely sensed me leave, but it's fine, I am fully aware that she knows a lot about us already. Hi hi.
 
It's funny how the motto of my wretched city came to mind. I think I spent a few good minutes trying to find the quote. But I thought of something the Sylph said, that she disliked silence the most. I swear, it's amazing how perfect that was for me. I, too, hate it. But even now, in this mist, candlelight barely touching the paper, I feel no silence, I sense no mere comfort. There are drums, and trumpets, and songs, and marches, and... I don't know.
 
My heart is bursting. It's like I can't contain this all. But let's be organised, Eve, remember the Gavans... So let's tell the tale.
 
I was trying to get something written down in you, dear journal, and I had to stop and make you wait. I don't remember exactly what I wanted to write, but (very very very) thankfully it doesn't matter anymore. So I guess I'll just pick up from where I left.
 
I was alone in my room writing you, dear journal, when Bart came. He was very troubled, by me, obviously, since I probably looked like a sad little mop, again. I wanted to elude the obvious problems. He asked me if I was all right, I mumbled something. He then proceeded to tell me that he felt there was something wrong going on with me, and that the last two days especially have been a little weird for him, and that he feels that he had been cold with me (I completely agreed, but was afraid to know why he had been so).
 
I couldn't hide from his inquisitive eyes any more, so I had to tell him what was going on in my mad little mind. I told him about my thoughts with Talion, about how I broke up with him, about how guilty I felt and about how I then got rid of my problems, because Talion was not the one I thought he was, because I had.... well, the whole thing, I think I told him quite a lot, I usually don't talk that much. About personal stuff, at least.
 
He seemed to be very shocked. And confused. And completely unprepared. I liked that, because... I don't like when people come to a conversation with a ready script and a stable agenda, prepared to obtain some kind of result and knowing the exact steps. It's either fake, bland or... not deep enough. But I got him off his feet now, I felt that. Didn't really stay to think why, I saw the opening and I attacked: I asked him what was going on in HIS mind, since he clearly had his own troubles. Deflecting attention from your own madness, well played, Eve.
 
Can I stop, dear journal, and say that you were right? Just a random thought. Carrying on....
 
Yes, Bart was troubled. He told me why. He had tried to make me happy, he didn't want to see me sad, he didn't want to cross any bounds with Talion though, I figured. I was slowly starting to panic, for some reason. Then he threw the gauntlet. He said he likes me very much.
 
Probably it's obvious to you, journal. Shut up.
 
I couldn't face his eyes. A lot of things were going on in my mind. There were different, and very aggressive. Many of my thoughts concerned me being a whore, making Bart fall for me, being too cheeky around him, betraying Talion, being a piece of human trash for all of this... But some others just shouted "go and kiss him, dummy" and "grab his cute face and don't let go till you cover him with love" and "jump on him". I .... Yes. Yes. Yes. Nutcase-Eve can't acknowledge that I had fallen for him. To quote the wise, bu-hu. I couldn't have acknowledged. Just think about it, stupid journal. I had broken up with Talion, the man I loved for so long. How could I immediately fall for this other guy I had known for like a month!? But... Truth be told. I should've given up on Talion the moment.. sorry... Pullius... the moment he returned to Ionolia. I didn't, and hoped for something which was unattainable. And didn't stop and look around to see that Bart was really the only one to actually make me smile. I thought of him as a child and started deriding him for that in my journal, getting angry at him, slowly, slowly filling my head only with him. And whatever thoughts I had at the beginning (make Talion jealous, enjoy his company, get upset at him for comparing me with a demon and others) they were beginning to be everywhere in my head. Yes, dear journal, you got me.
 
Well, I think I barely listened to him in those precious few seconds. Too many stupid thoughts. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run away, very far away, for a month or two, and return and then kiss him then. Can you imagine my stupidity? I felt like i HAD TO wait, when my soul told me there was nothing to wait for. I just felt guilty and dirty.
 
I couldn't yet face his eyes. I started mumbling about something. Can you believe me that I barely remember, only half a day later, what I told him? I was saying some words, but it was just deadpan silence, in truth. I couldn't communicate anything. He then gently took my hand in his, and I felt the ship collapse all over me. I'm usually not this shy, I mean, I have a bad reputation to uphold, but... For the first time, I actually felt I didn't want my madness to screw this up. This man was... he was growing on me so much, and I couldn't allow myself to ruin him, or disappoint him, or...
 
But what to do? He said he likes me very much, he took my hand... What did he want? Obviously, me. Right? But... I was a drunken idiot last night. Help. There was no help anywhere. God, I felt so powerless. Normally I jump face-first into things, but now I was so fearful and ashamed and in the same time overcome.
 
I tried to calm down. I asked him about Talion. He did speak to him, I knew it! He wanted to offer his support to the idiot, as if... but he fancies me, right? His little swimming lesson, everything... He wanted to make me smile, but he was always afraid... Because I, the idiot, stayed with the bigger idiot, Pullius. Can you imagine the little drama I had created!?
 
Maybe it's little to others. To me, it was everything. I'm sorry, others, hate me, despise me, think me as a drama-whore-queen, or whatever. But I always feel a lot. I always take things as they should be. If it's not a strong feeling, it's not a feeling worth having. That's how I am, anyway. So obviously there was a lot of emotional pressure. But when I heard he had had the same problem, more or less... I felt somewhat safer.
 
I don't really know how, I looked into his eyes. I had, in the last minute, glanced at him from time to time, but in the same time I tried to make sure he didn't see that. Eh, garbage. Eve, you are a big girl. Well, a small-big girl. The following moments were kind of hazy, but I remember finally getting all filled up in those latter thoughts that had been bugging me. I think my heart wanted to leave my body, it was so anxious. but yea. I did it, well, both of us did. We leaned in and kissed each other, but you know, dear journal, not a small kiss, or a very violent fiery one. Something better than both. I had been waiting for that too much. I lost myself in it, and it wouldn't stop, God, so good that it didn't, it was the longest kiss I could imagine.
 
I will not start analysing what kisses mean, or why this kiss was soo soo sooo amazing. No sense doing that. Words emanate too much silence, sometimes. But now, I was hearing everything. Yes. I heard him, Bart. I heard him on my lips.
 
I had a small moment of fear, fear of the others, especially Pullius. But Bart quickly calmed me down. I looked into his eyes and simply stopped fearing. No way something like this could be seen as bad. They should just look into my eyes, and they would know.
 
Bart was saying that I shouldn't fear, but my mind was elsewhere. I was trembling and biting my lips a lot. He then said that he actually pretended to be worse at swimming than he actually was, and I said well we should still have a rematch of our little war. By the way, at this point I was completely out of any control. I never felt such a strong feeling before, I wanted to take him down and, I don't know, surround myself with him.
 
I think he said something about finding a way to get a rematch, even if not in the sea (because it's cursed). Yea, well. Bye-bye, Eve. I think I actually hit him very hard as we barreled from the bed onto the floor. I then received another kiss, and another. I am sure I bit him very hard on the neck, goddamnit, Nutcase-woman. I don't know, I was so stupidly and unstoppably happy there. I got to use my third vial from the Eve-care pack, the one I took just as an "if". Hehe. Glad I had it. It made everything perfect around us, just as it was with us. I was lost completely in his arms, I was just so happy and hungry. I wanted everything. He kissed me with the same drive. I don't even remember how we got to the point that I had to very carefully contain myself from, well, you know... screaming .Woops. Happy.
 
I still tremble with excitement. I am the happiest.
 
Cheeky.