At the end

Dear Diary,
The time has come to say goodbye. Once the solstice is here, one way or another this journey of ours will come to an end. I want to use the time that I have left, to end this story, before the future comes and alters it. So that, sealed within these pages, to keep only my precious memories of an old journey and nothing more.
 
For far too long I have overwhelmed you, dear diary, with feelings that are not even yours. So, I bid farewell to you today. I will keep on living in this madness what we call life however it will not be your duty to witness it anymore. But I owe it to you…one last honest entry.
 
I woke up early in the morning the day after the battle for the Continent to attend the funerals. I stayed for the most part of it. But, exhausted still from the fight, I went to lay in bed for an hour or so. The others, worried for my health, let me sleep too much. I woke up from bed, a bit in pain, but finally ready to begin my day. When I got out of the tent however, I realized that the day already began without me. In the extra few hours that I slept, the demons paid us an unsettling visit and Lullaby somehow managed to become friends with Xantiniya’s red dragon, who came to the burial of His Majesty King Haldric. And I only missed for a few hours…
 
I went to meet the others, who were just preparing some plans. With the solstice only days away, and Xantinya more decided than ever, our only chance to save this world was to destroy one of the nine towers that could link the dimensions into one. Our target was, of course, the tower in Haj et Laon as it was the closest. Yet, it was still a bit too far. What we were going to do there, was a talk for a later time, and the emergency now was to find a way to get there. A short discussion led us to the logical conclusion: we convince Xantiniya’s red dragon, Kamarad, to take us there.
 
There are many things that I thought we will need to do for this fight, but I have never imagined that using elvish manners to talk with a dragon would be one of them. Above else, the dragons are most loyal to their owners which is most respectable. Dragons are also proud creatures, who will respect only those who respect them in return. And probably you would think that all the talk with the parliament, the councils and the people had taught us better. But some things never change, and our audacity still stays the same. We headed outside the tent where Kamarad was laying down, resting. Damaschini, being the only one who speaks dragon language, had the difficult task of translating all that we say. Of course, the most impolite thing would have been to bomb Kamarad with questions and requests, so we decided that Nixie was the one to represent us. She was doing her best and things seemed to go well. However, the whole conversation felt like we were walking on thin ice, in danger of breaking anytime. At some point, Kamarad, offended probably by our attitude, made himself comfortable and went back to sleep. Great!
 
Nobody likes being woken up from their sleep, especially not a dragon that creates a heat wave just by calmly breathing. And our courage from the previous battle seemed to go somewhere into hiding, because no one was willing to try and wake Kamarad up. “Oh fine! I will do it! If Xebec didn’t kill me when I woke him up to ask if we can have a party, neither will a dragon when I request to talk with him! Plus, it is rather rude to go to sleep in the middle of a conversation, right?” I thought to myself, making a few steps towards the dragon. I know it was not exactly the best example, but it makes me feel better to make fun of the situation one way or another. I gently approached Kamarad’s face, careful to not make any moves that might startle him and began talking, while Damaschini, having no other choice, assisted me from behind. I must admit, having someone who knows dragon language in this party proved to be a blessing. “Alright Verfy, what did the elves teach you? A warm voice, long but not too boring words and a lot of ego tickling for the person in front, will make anyone a very polite individual. Or at least that’s what I understood” I thought to myself while trying to phrase the first sentences to the dragon. I explained him with the best of my powers the situation. As a response, Kamarad, let out a big warm sigh, blowing me ten meters away, then he woke up. “That was rude! But at least I am alive and Kamarad seems to be awake!” I thought. From there on, Nixie took over the discussion and tried to convince Kamarad to help.
 
I must admit that Kamarad was my type of dragon. He was born and raised here in the Continent and just like us he seemed to love his home. When people began to hunt his family, the dragons made an understanding with Flegen. As long as the fire elementals would protect them, the dragons of the Continent would fight for Flegen. Kamarad was the last of these dragons. He seemed to believe that in this world, there was no place for the destruction, for the one thing that dragons were made to do. And that is why, he wanted a world of fire, one where dragons would live free. He kept talking with Nixie about it and it somehow seemed that the conversation was going alright. But in vain we tried to not anger the dragon, for the first time he heard about us wanting to hurt Xantiniya, his owner, he got upset. He angrily raised his head towards us. That was not a good sign at all. For all this conversation, I preferred to stay aside and watch for we all know I am not exactly the most refined when it comes to mannerism. But seeing that the situation was getting a bit out of hand, I wanted to interfere. At first I wanted to just bulge in with an “Sorry to interrupt but…”. Then I realized that usually I do that when I want to make people listen to me and it may be rude. So, instead of doing that, I chose the more elegant option, of asking for permission to bulge in. To me, they seem almost the same, but with all of these “please and thank you” as people call them, you never know.
 
I managed to calm the dragon a bit, by beginning to slowly admit the mistakes of the people that for so long have killed the dragons. Then I used all the vocabulary I know to try and convince Kamarad that fire and destruction are part of this world, and as everything else, we fight to protect them. Luckily, my intervention gave Lullaby and Nixie enough time to think, and right when I almost had no other ideas of what to say, they came to the rescue. In the end, our captain with her beautiful ring, managed to somehow free Kamarad from Xantiniya’s influence, and the dragon agreed to take us to Haj et Laon.
 
You know, dear diary, there have been times when I have tried to hide the truth, even from you because I feared that someone will read it. And people like Dillen and Nixie will always find feelings a very useful subject for jokes. A few days ago, I went to talk with Tallion. Ever since that time in the fight when he saved me, I couldn’t let go of this feeling that I felt. But I wasn’t sure what it was, and I really wanted to know. When I got to his room, seemingly Tallion already knew why I was there since he pulled out his pipe, and for the first time ever I got to see him smoking. I don’t know what it is about Tallion, but even in the worst of times he manages to make me smile somehow. And for that I will always be very grateful. If there was someone else, maybe I wouldn’t have had this kind of conversation now but since it was Tallion I couldn’t pretend that I do not know anything. When Tallion told me that he liked me, for a second or two I did not know where my heart lies. He was nothing but great with me so far, and somehow I did open up to him more than I ever did with the others. But…I couldn’t shake off the feelings I still have for Xebec. I just couldn’t let go. But to no surprise Tallion knew that already. Maybe as the years to pass, these feelings will go away. But for now I had to be true to myself and Tallion. So as much as I appreciated his feelings, I just couldn’t share them now. This whole thing came as a surprise for me in the end. I never considered that I could be with someone else but Xebec and for now I don’t feel like I will ever change that. But, I have given up on trying to expect the future so maybe one day, someone will prove me wrong. Until then however, we had a mission to plan, so Tallion and me returned to the rest of the party.
 
From time to time, I wish that we were not involved in this mess. I wish that we didn’t have to carry this burden on our shoulders. Yes, we were blessed for having a chance to protect this world, for being the once that could raise their voice. But this chance costed us everything, even our own sanity. What I saw in the last few days among the party, was pure chaos. None of us are all right. None of us will ever be. And while I know that it was all our choices that led us here, I love this world a little less for it. I love this world a little less for everything that we had to endure for it. I know I shouldn’t, but I still do. And the most painful is that in one way or another this war destroyed a part of the good in us, and all of us know it but none of us will admit it, because it hurts.
 
This one talk about Haldric, it shouldn’t have existed. If we were who we used to be, that one idea would have been dismissed in a second. But it didn’t. Most of us didn’t hate it. I didn’t hate it. Instead, we thought of way to change it, to make it “less bad”. When Bart suggested that maybe we could raise Haldric as an undead, and use him as a distraction for Xantinya, I didn’t like the idea, but not because we used the same dirty strategy as Xantinya. No. It was the fact that I believe necromancy is the most cruel thing to do to anyone. I know they are only skeletons, and there is no life there but when I fight them, when I see them, I cannot help but feel they are human still. And it bothers me to see them like that. But then the idea changed: “What if we go straight in, bringing Haldric’s body for the burial, and we use this time, to make an opening for ourselves”, and in my mind, it all made sense. There was nothing wrong with this idea anymore. But then Tallion made a very good point: “If we win this war using the same thing that Xantinya uses, we will prove her right, and we will become nothing more than what she makes us”. Using Xantinya’s love for Haldric against her was the one thing we shouldn’t do. It was only then that I began to understand the main problem with this plan. The worst part of it was that I didn’t like considering this idea, but I did not regret it. In my mind, I somehow knew, that if I was alone, that if by any chance the stakes weren’t this high and that I wouldn’t have hurt everything that I have left in this world, I would have gone for this idea. So in other words, I would have not felt bad for using this idea, if not for the destruction of everything I care about. But listening to Tallion, Lullaby and all the others still talking about it helped me realize how important it is for us to follow what we believe in. And they were right. I was not gonna let this war get the worst of me so I quickly dismissed any other thoughts and focused on our mission.
 
We spent the next days in the chest while the dragon carried us around. Most of the time we tried to decide what we are going to do once we get to Haj et Laon. After long hours of discussions we barely came up with an outline of a plan: We would go down the dragon, pass through the masses of undying elves so that we reach the Tower. Once we got there, we would have to fight whatever will be in our way and at last the main mission was to find the stones that power the Tower and destroy them. Each step itself was a very hard one which we had to deal with. Since we couldn’t kill the undying elves, we had decided that we could slow them down by obstructing all their senses. We even came up with a plan for this. We knew that these creatures understand feelings but do not feel them. If we could, only for a short time to confuse them by making them feel, then Dillen would be able to gather them in one place and Miyun with Tallion could get them out of their “bodies”. That would leave them with only their magical sense which could be easily stopped using Damaschinium. The complicated part however, was how we were going to make them feel something. After a long debate, the best idea we had was that Nixie could use her powers to show the undying elves what they used to be how they are now. A striking difference if you ask me. To know that these goo creatures once used to be just elves, living in peace in a land only of their own makes me a bit sad.
 
Whoever said that there are always two battles in a war was right. First, you only fight to not let them win. But then, you also fight to not let the fight win. But it’s gotten tougher everyday and if you look at us, you can see that we are reaching our limits. The pressure it’s getting to us, making us fight,making us doubt ourselves and one another. As much as Kelly tried to keep us organized, the discussion of plans became a conflict between everyone. I could feel that slowly but steadily our party was falling apart and I feared it so I did the one thing that brings us together: A together torture training. I could tell you how it went and what everyone said but for this one time, I do not wish to talk about it. The irony of it all, is that our story is not much different from the undying elves. Maybe it’s not as sad but the difference of how we used to be and what we are now is overwhelming. I know you might say, dear diary, that I am being dramatic and it is not how it really is. Maybe.
 
But that’s how it feels for me. Maybe some have been more affected than the others but this fight got to all of us. Take Drenizek for example. The loudest voice of all became only the sound of silence. With an incredible stubbornness he still fights and wants to make us think he’s fine. But he isn’t. I did not hear a word from him in a long time and I must admit for that I felt him far away from everyone else. Or look at Kelly who used to be the most rational of us all. Then, she slowly became to understand our world better, and had a change of heart. Nonetheless, she always stood tall. But today, our madness finally got over her and she could only handle it by drinking and laughing. Even her strong rational mind finally reached the point where she didn’t understand anything anymore. Or even at Marc. He’s been constant ever since we met him. He manage to keep his simple smile on the face for this journey. He had it when he was weaker, he got it when he became stronger. But that one last battle took this smile away from him. Or Eve who after all that happened somehow feels she shouldn’t be alive. That she must die anyways so might as well help us when she does. Even Dillen, who used to aim to be the king of Worania wanted to give up his title as first mate. I know he said that if hating him will make the other more united it’s fine, especially if that protected Nixie. But, let’s be honest here. He stopped trying to be a snake a long time ago and ever since then he tried to make up for his mistake by making himself useful when he could. Not even him is the same person that used to be.
 
Even I have changed. I am less optimistic, less hopeful. I almost gave up today when I saw Nixie and Lullaby so discouraged. On one hand, Lullaby feels bad about the opening of Xy, and the damage that the world has suffered because of it. She wants to fight but doesn’t feel she is what she is supposed to be in the first place. She doesn’t feel like a good person and thus that her actions will be the wrong ones. On the other hand, it’s Nixie. She says she trusts herself but she is afraid that she will get bamboozled again and make us all lose. The whole morale of the party is down, some of us already feel useless for this fight. The discussion about Haldric also didn’t help, especially because the two people that have the most power to do something were on different sides. Yet, the same two people that also should be here for us, to guide us, are busy not taking responsibility for it. I was upset at them, even a bit angry. That together training should have only existed for the sole purpose of making us feel a bit better before this miserable fight not to solve the problem of Haldric’s body. In fact, I shouldn’t have been the one to make that together training. They should have. Yes what I do will make the others feel a bit better but it will never be enough if Nixie doesn’t do something herself. Now, more than anytime ever we needed Nixie to be there as a captain and we needed Lullaby to be strong. And now, more than ever they didn’t. So yes dear diary, for a second, I wanted to give up. But, when even I lose hope what will happen with the crew that followed us so far? We keep forgetting that it’s not only us who fight this war. If not for myself, at least for them I have to still keep my hope. It’s not much, but it’s all that I can do for them. The rest is not up to me anymore.
 
Despite this incredibly dramatic entry that I have just written, I am ready to fight. No demon, undying elf or anything else will change that. This journey that we started a year ago finally ends here. I know it. We wanted a happier ending for it but even as it is, we will treasure it. And thank you, dear diary, for keeping the memory of this journey safe.
 
The fight to come will only be the beginning of a new journey for us. All I can promise you is that we will win. With everything we learned so far, we will win.
 
Goodbye, dear diary.
 
May the Almighty protect us in all the journeys to come.
 
P.S.1: Damaschini managed to extract some kind of material from salt that we can use for Damaschinium. But we need more, so we will stop in Ionolia to gather some
P.S.2: I might have been too harsh with Dillen and Nixie when i screamed at them for making fun of Tallion
P.S.3: I still do not trust that dragon.