The time for a change

Dear Diary,
I couldn't sleep last night. I had a lot of nightmares, each one of them being closer closer to the reality. I think I prefer not to sleep rather than these ugly dreams. I had a lot to think about anyways.
Earlier, Nixie pulled me aside and told me about Laimon, who s.....he really is. The poor child came all the way here for him...it must be very scary especially after the last two days. I would have liked to tell the others but Nixie asked me not to.
 
We went back to the room, where we saw Eve. I really trust Eve, she is smart and kind and I really don't understand why we can't tell her. We talked for a bit and she asked us about Laimon. For a second there, I wanted to tell her. But then I looked at Nixie. I guess she must have a reason for not telling her. So I just left some vague information. Seeing the whole thing, Eve told us that we shouldn't worry and that maybe it is better if she doesn't know. I still don't agree with it since Eve could help us, and so would the others. And like that, maybe we could find a plan to make Laimon tell everyone the truth without being consequences. Yes, that child hid the truth but after all, Laimon is very young but has survived with us so far, she has a brave heart. Why not fight with us?
 
Then, we talked a bit more what happened that day. Eve told us a very sad story about Illien the Great, one of the Ordinators from Ionolia and his campaign in the Western Desolation. That's where she got the signs that is on the tunics she gave us. It's the flag of Ael Velle (After this day, I appreciate her gift more than ever, I finally understood what it stands for). She told us how, at that time, they got in a similar situation with us and how the kings abandoned The Great Ordinator when he refused to leave the hurt people behind. Eve, then, explained us how important life is, and that one's life is as important as the life of 100. A small memory of the war came to my mind...every time, every fight...I killed so many people, I chose to kill them. And for what? So that out country to get more power. I suddenly felt very stupid and sad. I know it was war, but was the goal really worth the lives? I can't turn back the time now and save those people, but after this talk with Eve, I made a promise to myself: From now on, I will only fight to protect the life. And I will do it with the right methods. I will give everything I can to protect it. I would have loved to stay and hear more, but there was something else that bothered my mind...How was Xebec doing. I didn't get to talk with him yet.
 
While he was fighting with Dillen, Xebec said something about a premonition about him dying. He didn't get to say more because the crew started to say they don't want a captain that leads them to death. I didn't hear many premonitions before, and I do not believe the ones I heard. So I wanted to understand: if something like this was fated, why not fight against this premonition? After all, they may foresee the future but they do not define it. I was really worried for Xebec, I had to see how he was doing. It was already late in the night but i knew he wouldn't sleep. I knocked on his door, and I heard Xebec ask who was there. For a second, I got very scared "What if he didn't want to talk with me?". I knew he wasn't the type to talk a lot about himself. But, to my surprise, he said to come in. Suddenly, I got very nervous. I didn't even know what to talk about. Xebec was in his room, looking at the map Bart gave him. Captain's are always holding the map of the ship, right? Probably, he was thinking abut what happened. He also probably knew why I was there so there was no point in avoiding the subject.
 
We talked for some time that night. He told me about his parents, how, he believed so much in a premonition that his parents had. It all started with his parents that went to an oracle in Dushen. It said that his mom was supposed to kill his father and then kill herself. But they didn't listen to it and destroyed the whole oracle. As a kid, Xebec strongly believed in this premonition. So strong that one day when his parents were fighting, he grabbed a knife and stabbed his father. Like that, at least it was him not his mom that would kill him. But he didn't aim properly, and to end his suffering, Xebec's mom, killed her own husband. She didn't want to die but to fulfill the premonition, she killed herself. To make her kid understand, before commiting suicided, she took Xebec to a oracle and "cursed" him. It was then, foreseen that Xebec would die at 31 years old and that is...in a week. I had so many mixed feelings about this. I felt a lot of sadness about the story but somehow it was a bit of love as well. A love that i felt between his parents and the love they had for him. At least I think that's why they destroyed the oracle. I am curious to find out more about him, but I will stop for now. I don't want to make him even sadder than he is.
At first I wanted to convince Xebec to go against it. But I quickly gave up when he explained me how he doesn't want to go against this premonition, but will also not stay there waiting to die. In his way, he is fighting for his life. He doesn't want to die, but if he does, he would have at least had a life he wanted, not living in the fear of death. So I decided i will not stand in his way, but I will try to join him. He then asked about why I am fighting for life. I told him about the past and what I realized earlier, while talking with Eve. Before I left, he gave me the map he was looking before and then he hugged me. I really hoped he didn't see that i was waay more red than usual. I was so nervous that I didn't even realize what the map meant. When I asked him, he just laughed and said I would find out tomorrow.
 
It was later that night, when I finally understood. The next day, it had to be decided who will be the next captain. Did Xebec wanted me to be the captain? ME? I didn't even know how to read a map. I was so panicked but i didn't want to tell the others. What if it wasn't true? I did ask Nixie and Eve about how to read a map. Thank God these girls exist. We then talked again about premontions. Nixie explained how even though we have to play a part it is up to us how we play it. And then Eve said that even though the Almighty knows what we do, it still has value.
 
I thought all night about what happened. I was ready to not accept any suggestions of me being a leader. I was a soldier all my life, I did not know much, i was not that smart. I know how to fight, but that is not enough for a leader. So me being a leader would have made things worse. Vote time came fast. Xebec suggested me, Dillen suggested Nixie, Bart and Heron suggested themselves and Laimon suggested Pullius. It was a fair vote. Then, they asked us if we wanted to participate. Nixie politely refused, and I wanted to do the same, as planned last night. But then something changed. I made a promise to myself the night before. And I may not have been the best leader, but i had to try my best. And I wasn't trying my best by sitting there and doing only what I know. I had a chance to make the crew understand what Eve said, so I agreed to participate. The results were like this: Heron no votes, Pullius demon boy and Bart had both 4 , an me and Drenizek (who wanted to participate for Nixie) both had 6. Bart, Eve, Xebec, Pullius demon boy and Lafku and his boys voted for me. I was very happy to see they believe in me. Especially the fastodans. Don't tell Vadrek but they are my favorites of the whole crew.
 
Then people voted again. It was a tie again and everyone was silent.But I was fighting against Nixie. She is smarter than me, and she is an elf. She will easily earn the respect of everyone. I thought she would be a better leader than myself. And I would be happy to fight as her soldier because i trust her with my life. I can still keep my promise. So I wanted to give up my vote, so Nixie wins but then Xebec made me realize that I would disappoint everyone who voted with me. I couldn't do that, they trusted me, and I didn't want to disappoint them by giving up.
 
But then Nixie did something that surprised everyone. She changed her own vote, and like that, she won the role of leader. I was happy she did that. I was slow to find a solution, but she did find one. I was right after all, she can be a leader, and a good one. I would have liked to be a leader, but I will not give up on my promise. Not just yet.
Nixie panicked so much. I was a bit amused but we had to help her. I was surprised to see how the determination she had a second ago was just gone. Come on Nixie you can to this! After she finally held her speech, our party went to have another session of "torture training".
I can't wait to see how Nixie will be doing. Although, I do disagree with her opinion not to punish Gerki. I don't mind him speaking his mind, especially when he was right, but attacking another one of us, is not something I would leave unpunished. Not like cutting their arm, but a lighter punishment that would make him understand what was wrong.
 
I saw Xebec being a bit upset. I really hope I didn't disappoint him too much, I know he wanted me to be the captain. But I will make up to him one way or another. I will repay the trust he had in me.
 
May the Almighty guide us and help us on the way.