Supply & Demand

An adventure in Pandaria is precisely what I needed after yesterday's turmoil. Even now, I question many things, most of all what is best for me and the things that do or do not make me happy. For now, for today, though I will put them aside. Today is for me. Today, I live the life I choose to live, the life I choose to enjoy. The life that so oftentimes seems beyond my reach because of all the strife and struggle and heartache.
 
We began our adventure in Dawn's Blossom. There was no destination in mind for today, we would simply wander and see where the wind and our feet carried us. We stopped first at the statue of the Jade Serpent; it was such a marvel to see up close! Such intricately detailed stonework. It was clear how much care went into the crafting of such a sacred monument. After that, we went up to the Temple of the Jade Serpent itself and it was a marvel to behold. Even standing on the threshold of the entry path I could feel the Life energy radiate from the place and I could even feel how worshipped and loved this place was by its people. You could see it in how well-made and intricate the architecture was, as if each stone was hewn by hand and placed to be just-so.
 
Dori had connections enough that we were even allowed to go inside! Within the Temple, there was a Library, a Fountain, and the main grounds. We decided that we would go and see the Fountain first, because if Dori took me to the Library first, I might never leave. He asked me if I had an interest in books. I told him that I had an interest in knowledge. As a Sunwalker, I find it is vastly easier to perform my duties if I understand the culture and history of the people I look to help. After all, how can I bring them hope and the Light of An'she, if I do not respect their beliefs and their ways, their struggles and their triumphs? Ignorance breeds misunderstanding, mistrust, and strife, but through knowledge I believe that all things are possible. It is why matters with Baahl are as important to me as they are. Baahl is the epitome of ignorance and it is my hope to bring him to knowledge of his people, his roots, and bring him into the Light of knowledge, his tribe, and An'she.
 
The Fountain room was... palatial, rich in both power and faith that I could nigh feel it upon the air in the dewy mist that clung to my fur. The fountain itself radiated magical energy and Dori said that the waterspeakers oft used it to find guidance, much as we Sunwalkers look to An'she. We spoke there a while, comparing the Water to the Light of An'she, how Water was as much a part of Life as Light. No matter our race, our creed, our walk of life, we are all of us dependent upon water. Water is as much a part of our being as our heart and our very soul. None of us lives without water. I could understand well why the waterspeakers would look to such a constant by which to anchor their faith. The Way of Water... something I will carry onward with me from here, toward a better and brighter future.
 
We passed through the main courtyard, but the Priests of the Temple were setting up for their evening prayers and rituals, so we quickly moved onward to the Scrollkeeper's Sanctum. An'she's Grace! I have never seen a library so big! There is so much knowledge there to absorb and to learn, so much history and lore to take in. It will undoubtedly help me to better understand the pandaren people, so that I may bring hope and Light to those like Qiao and Hakiro. We stayed in the library until well after midnight, researching the yaungol. I have heard it said that they are our ancient ancestors and I wanted to understand their lore, culture, and history.
 
When we were finally chased out of the library, that was where we had to part ways for Dori had things to do for the Expedition on the morrow. Still, it was one of the best evenings I have had in recent memory.
 
☼
 
Coming back to Orgrimmar is always... difficult. I have few joyful memories associated with the city. Every time I come here, it is more bad news, more trouble... more heartache. As with every time I come here, I was descended upon in short order. First by Rory, who barely seemed to be able to talk to me, then Tazzi who was with us for a hot minute before she went to catch Hakiro.
 
Standing there with Rory felt... awkward. He started smoking a cigarette, which I have never known him to do. It was noisome and irritating to my nose. We spoke of the yaungol and the taunka after I told him of researching the yaungol, curious as to their ties to the shu'halo. He wondered if there might be off-shoots of vulpera in the world and I told him anything was possible with so much in the world yet to discover. He said he would be the first to see it, if he survives all of Elizaveta's machinations. He would. Not we. Not us. Has he resigned himself against me already? Convinced that I will leave him for Zagosh when I barely even *know* Zagosh, but am already being discouraged against even taking the opportunity to get to know him.
 
I took tonight for me and not an hour back in Orgrimmar, it might as well be as if I never left. Coming back to Orgrimmar is like having a yoke dropped on the back of my neck, dragging me down with its weight, so that even in the moments I find motes of joy they are swiftly snuffed out. Am I not allowed to find joy? So savor my happiness when I find it? Must I constantly be some perpetual see-saw of misery?
 
We argued, like we always argue. Tazzi came over at one point to talk to us both, to try and get to the root of what was going on with the both of us. She took each one of us aside to hear what each of us wanted. When she came back, her analysis for me I thought was fair, when she got to Rory, though -- it was devastating. It made it sound like Rory was only with me out of pity, that he did not even want this relationship, that he was only with me because he felt sorry for me, because of how I would feel he abandoned me after all I have done for him. I do not want that. I have never wanted that. I do not want to be with someone that is with me because I am some pitiable wretch. I told them both that. I told them I would rather be alone than be that. That people were always leaving me because of it. That this time -- I was going to be the one to leave. And I did.
 
Rory came after me. He told me that he wanted to be better, wanted to *make* himself better -- for me. That I was worth it for him to change, to stop being so fearful of betrayal and replacement. But he asked me for something, too. Something I needed to change. He wanted me to be more assertive, demanding, selfish of him. It is a hard thing he asks me to do, but it is no less a hard thing that he is doing for me in return. So, I agreed to try. I do not know if this will work. I do not know yet how I feel about any of it. I know if my friends could read these entries, they would wonder why I keep staying. And my only answer to that is: I love him. I do not have a better answer than that. I do everything that I do, endure everything I must endure, because I love him.
 
Tazzi asked me what I wanted. My answer was simple: I want to be happy. I want to be happy *with* Rory, in whatever form that comes in. I want him to be happy being *with* me, not this endless rollercoaster of love-pain-misery that we seem to keep coasting on. It seems like it should be such a simple thing to obtain... happiness. But if there is one thing tonight has taught me it's about how easy it is to lose.
 
So perhaps I will begin by demanding my happiness and assert myself for it.