Rainfall

For every sunny day -- a little rain must fall.
 
I began today by hearing from Kheerah that she slept with Rory and Tazzi, apparently. I had no knowledge of this, no awareness of intention -- elsewise I would have advised them against it. Kheerah is young and impressionable; she is desperately seeking acceptance through a relationship. I do not truly feel she is ready for one and that she need to be carefully nurtured first. I do not know what advice or what she is being told by her other peers, Lyreth and the others who hang out beneath the Great Tree by the Wyvern's Tail, but it all seems to confuse and upset her a lot of the time. She even told me that she recently asked one of them to be with her and he declined, so that likely only reinforces her need and want to be accepted by someone.
 
The fact that she chose Rory was hurtful on Kheerah's part, considering that I told her that -I- could not "experiment" with her because I was in love with Rory. For her to then go behind my back and do this -- that breaks a trust that I do not think Kheerah can win back. Kheerah knew that Rory was special to me and she slept with him anyway. This is not something one does to one's friends. I knew Kheerah was desperate and searching but I never expected her to do something like this, then try to claim it as a good thing because -I- trust Rory and Tazzi, which make them trustworthy to her.
 
It also upset me to have to hear it from Kheerah, of all people, who has very little tact or social grace. It was part of our agreement when we made this relationship, Rory, Tazzi, and I that we did not need to know of one another's exploits if it were just flings or one-night stands, people we were not serious about. To hear it from Kheerah means that neither Rory nor Tazzi informed her of that. Or at least they did not tell her to keep it to herself. Kheerah even came to me, guilty and upset about it, so even she felt it was wrong to do which may have been what led to her "confession" of sorts. It was further compounded by the fact that I could have heard it from Rory when we woke up today. They both could have come to my home and told me about it last night after it happened. Tazzi could have sent a letter, for crying out loud. Anything to prevent me from hearing about it in the most callous way possible.
 
I told Kheerah to get away from me. I left Orgrimmar and went to Thunder Bluff and it was there that Qiao found me. I am not even sure why she came looking for me, but I was grateful for it. I told her about Rory and Tazzi sleeping with Kheerah, how neither of them bothered to tell me and that I instead had to hear it from Kheerah. Qiao did her best to comfort me, but when Tazzi decided to show up I was still too upset to even want to talk to her, so I left to clear my head.
 
I made my way down to Stonebull Lake and swam a few laps to try and work my stress and my upset out. It made me long to be out in the wilds of Pandaria with Borador. Things are less complicated, less murky, less painful out there in the wilds, where it is just us, the road, and whatever destination comes next. I am sure with her low opinion of me, Tazzi would just accuse me of running away from my problems yet again, but I will get to that momentarily. Eventually, Qiao came to find me but I was not yet ready to talk to Tazzi and Rory who had apparently joined them on Thunder Bluff. So, I went with Qiao to the Great Gate and we stood on the guard tower overlooking Taurajo. It made me miss Borador all the more, since this was the last place I had stood with him. Hakiro, too. Instead of wishing for a new Taurajo, maybe I should have wished for peace in my own life first. Hindsight is ever perfect.
 
We spoke for a while, Qiao and I, and I told her how much she reminded me of Shashona, my dearest friend and heart-sister within the Silvermane Tribe. It reminded me of a memento that I still carried that had been given to me by Shashona. As young shu'halo maidens, we once swore a Blood Oath to each other that we would always be as sisters no matter how far life pulled us apart. To seal our pact, we each cut a braid from our manes and tied them with ritual beads and harpy feathers as a totem for one another to carry. Shashona got a lock of my silver mane, and I received a lock of her raven-colored one. Qiao and I returned to Thunder Bluff and I gave her this totem. It felt right to pass it on to her, as she was now my heart-sister. I later told her that I would give her a braid from my own hair to match it, so that I could always be with her, as Shashona's spirit surely was.
 
Then we moved on to the confrontation with Tazzi and Rory. It went mostly as I expected it to, though Rory accepting accountability for his actions rather than just apologizing profusely for whatever he had done wrong was somewhat new. Tazzi, though, got angry and defensive to the point of calling me a "double-standard diva" and insinuating that I was a teenager creating drama. They made excuses, of course, they were tired, preoccupied, did not really think it was a big deal, that they did not understand what the fuss was all about. They were just trying to help Kheerah. They were not trying to have a relationship with her. They well and truly thought they were doing a GOOD thing. That really just made it all the worse. They were going to do serious, lasting damage to Kheerah by leading her on like that, raising her hopes, and brutalizing what little trust and faith she had left in people.
 
Once Tazzi started doling out the insults, though, I said we were done with this conversation and she told me to "storm off like you always do". I told her this was MY spot on Hunter's Rise and she should be the one to leave. It was bad enough that we had to ruin this place with such a ridiculous argument, now I will not ever be able to find comfort here again. Not only that, but I lost TWO friendships over this stupidity, all while I am being made out to be some kind of Drama Queen when all I wanted was to be treated with a modicum of respect and dignity. Like my feelings mattered to them; if my feelings mattered, then why did this become the confrontation it did?
 
Rory told me afterward that I had every right to feel how I felt. He even offered to break things off with Tazzi if she really had no respect for me. I told him not to. I know how important Tazzi is to him, even if he will not admit it to himself. He never chose me, in our beginning, I was never anything to him beyond an annoyance, the Big Dumb Brute and genocidal maniac. He chose Tazzi and went out of his way to be with her, has never had anything bad to say about her, has never had a bad time with her. His relationship with her is pristine. He can say he would let go of her, but I can tell by the hitch in his voice and the tears in his eyes that it is NOT something he wants to do. And I would never make him choose. I told him that he could be in a relationship with Tazzi, that the nature of our relationship was not reliant upon me loving Tazzi. I cannot and will not love someone who has no respect for me. Rory and Qiao can make excuses for her, that it is just her personality, her nature, the way she is -- but all of those foul opinions of me originate from somewhere within Tazzi, even if she only voices them in these heated moments. They still exist. So now I have to work harder to earn HER favor? Get to know her, understand her, see things from her perspective?
 
If our positions were reversed, Rory would be putting it all on whatever man I introduced into this relationship to make the effort. He would not be jumping through hoops to befriend them, to get to know them, to understand them. Rory cannot even so much as read about me having an enjoyable time with another male without getting huffy about it; there is no way he would be openly accepting of another male in his territory, they would have to earn his trust, which is fair and probably how it should be. I was never given that option, that leeway, that trust-earning phase. I was simply told that Tazzi was part of this relationship, full stop, and Monnie was an option. And that was that.
 
Truth be told, I do not think I would bring anyone else into this relationship when we cannot even get along and communicate properly between just three of us. I would never want someone I care about to be subjected to this, not as it is now. This is not what love should look like.