New Worlds

Unbeknownst to anyone, I took myself out to the Azure Span on the hunt for a bounty I had picked up from the Dragonscale Expedition, culling the snow gnolls not far from Camp Nowhere. I just wanted to expend some of this restless, stress-filled energy. To spend all my ill feelings on things that deserved it. To have time to breathe and remind myself that I am a warrior shu'halo, full of strength and grit and perseverance. Not just some weepy damsel that people feel they must either comfort or ignore.
 
As much as it will pain me tomorrow, it felt good to get out and just be myself: A Sunwalker filled with Light, doing what she does best. There is no Syndicate out here. No heartache. No expectations. No want for me to be anything but who I am.
 
I was doing well. I had collected numerous gnoll ears but then I was caught by a wandering patrol only to find myself surrounded by no less than eight of the foul little beasts. Their claws were no match for my armor, nor were their primitive weapons, I fought back with a ferocity, slamming them back with my shield only cut them down as they tried to close the gap, searing lancets of Light felled more than one. Then I heard the gunshot ring out. For a moment, I thought it was my Assailant come again, but just as the shot rang out, I felt a gnoll leap on my back only to drop dead a moment later. I finished off the last of the gnolls, turning to face this new adversary.
 
Only to find Borador instead.
 
The dwarf was apparently on a patrol and had heard the sounds of combat, he saw me assailed and thought he was "helping." I chuffed out my nose at him and told him that that gnoll's ears were still mine for my bounty, even though he had killed it. He laughingly agreed. Not long after, I had enough ears for my bounty and we adjourned from that snow-ridden place. We found a nice riverbank with a grassy knoll -- ha -- and just sat and talked for a while. He gave me a very brief update on his Zandalari priest of Bwonsamdi and what their thoughts were, which were not much different from the Deathpriest I had spoken to some time ago. Still, two suggestions that were near identical from two different sources meant it was a truth, right?
 
After that, though, there was no more talk of the Syndicate and I was grateful for it. It did make me wonder, though, about holding a weekly meeting to update everyone on Syndicate matters and then just not talking about it the rest of the week. It would give me a reprieve from constantly talking about it, it would give Rory a reprieve from constantly hearing about it and just letting everyone breathe. I am not sure what that would do for momentum, though, and involvement if people do not have it constantly on their minds. It feels as a double-edged sword, but it feels as a good idea to me. But perhaps I am simply being selfish with what precious time I have out of the Syndicate's clutches.
 
All in all, it was just nice to sit and talk with someone, vent with someone, to get the perspectives of someone not so close to the epicenter of Elizaveta's carnage. Borador even gave me ideas for a new dream. A dream that is uniquely mine and one that does not put others before myself. And that is nice to have.
 
☼
 
Not long after I returned to Orgrimmar, Qiao and Rory found me on the porch of the Wyvern's Tail. After my talk with Borador and Qiao, I decided that I needed to have a talk with Rory, because I deserve better than what he has given me thusfar. If he claims to love me as much as he does, then I need to know where I stand with him. I cannot sit aside silently hoping for him to notice me. I am bright, beautiful, confident, and give him everything I could possibly have to give him.
 
I entered into this conversation with determination. I was going to tell him about everything that bothered me. And for the first part of it, I managed, but then as Rory began to break down, to beg, to plead with me not to leave, when he told me that he saw my pain, knew it for what it was, and still went on to hurt me anyway -- I could not hold myself together. I wept and I wept, because it was the hallmark of my life all over again. Never to be good enough. For there to always be someone else, someone better, someone *preferred* over me. How is that love? So many people had abandoned me, what was one more? He would leave like all the others. I would be alone again.
 
Even as I cried, Rory cried, too, telling me that everything was his fault, that he would never leave me. I did my best to reassure him that we were BOTH at fault, neither of us were communicating as we promised we would. He kept saying he wasn't good, but I told him he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He was the first person to tell me I was beautiful. He was the first person to tell me he loved me. Both of us want one another to be happy, but the only way we can truly be happy is together, we have proven that.
 
So, Rory and I entered into an agreement -- It is no different than it was before, we love each other, but we are free to see other people. We have added new ground rules and caveats though to ensure we do not perpetuate this cycle of hurting one another. First off, we will implement my weekly meeting for Syndicate matters. No more discussing it willy-nilly with this person over there, then that person over there. We will all meet at once and everyone will get the same information at the same time, outside of these meetings, no more talk of it. It is for Rory's peace of mind and mine. Second, we will make time for each other -- just us -- without outside interference, so we can catch-up, confide, and counsel each other. Third, we will still be free to see other people aside from each other, but anyone we end up being more serious about MUST at the very least respect both Rory and I, but it is my preference that we should all at least be friends. I will not tolerate having people within my orbit that look to destroy or manipulate our relationship for their own advantage. Fourth, if we find that we are genuinely falling in love with someone else besides each other, we will part ways amicably and remain as friends. Fifth, if there are shows of affection or sleeping together happening with these outside partners, they are not to be within view of Rory or I. We also promised to be more communicative with one another, to pull one another aside if need be, if we feel our needs are not being met.
 
It is a lot to process. I have never been in an arrangement like this and I am uncertain how to proceed. I suppose my first step is to find myself some "others" -- Rory has already told me of his interest in both Tazzi and Monnie so I should likely find myself other companions to spend my time with and enjoy. It is a strange, new world I am opening myself to, but I love Rory enough to make it work.
 
Who knows, maybe it will be fun?