The Beginning of the End

In the aftermath of the whole Kheerah debacle, I have concluded that this... polyamory is not for me.
 
It is certainly not for me when I was never asked nor consulted on the people who were grandfathered in. There was no period of getting to know them for me, no seeing if our personalities even get along. I was thrust into acceptance and that was all. Rory is going to try to backpedal and make his Others get to know me and THEN I can either accept or deny them -- but they are already here, already institutions in his life. I feel I have no choice but to accept them, as they are already here and have been here for months. It would be cruel and mean for me to suddenly deny them and shove them out. Still, I have some self-worth and dignity left in me. Rory is going to force them back to Square One and they either get to know me and respect me or he breaks things off with them. It will now be THEIR choice to find me and make the effort. I was genteel, gracious, and accepting of them the first time around and they squandered it. Now, they will have to EARN it. If they do not care to bother, then that will show Rory just how much they actually want to be with him when work is involved in the process.
 
It is certainly not for me, this lifestyle, when no one can seem to keep the ground rules straight or communicate them effectively. It turns it into a place where feelings get hurt, people get upset, and we are all made miserable. I am supposed to be a source of joy and love to the people I care about. I am a Sunwalker! How can I expect to bring hope, joy, and Light to others when I cannot even keep the peace in my own home? I have lost friends to this nonsense, I have lost my favorite place in Thunder Bluff. It reinforces that I need more and better friends, ones that actually respect and enjoy me, that WANT for my presence as much as I might want for theirs. I need more constants than Rory and Qiao.
 
In light of all this, though, I met with Borador in Pandaria and I told him that I could no longer see him. While we were only friends, I was growing fond of him and I did not want things to progress any further when I know I am not to be had for the wanting. Borador is good and kind and enjoyable to be around. I do not wish for him to get embroiled in all of this romantic chicanery where he could potentially be hurt or maligned for no good reason other than his caring for me. It saddened me to do it, but it was necessary. I have been on the receiving end of one-sided affections, of people entirely willing to love you, then leave you later once they were done with you or found something better. I do not want to be that person, to anyone. It had to be done, but I will miss him all the same. I will miss the peace and quiet he brought, the knowledge and the lore, the love of exploration. The lack of complication. He was a peaceful little island where I could get away from all of the Situations in my life and just have space to breathe. Everyone else in my orbit is too close to these, too invested, and I do not care to make their lives and friendships anymore awkward because of it. It was nice to have a place to vent and talk out my feelings without being made to feel guilty over having them.
 
I have told Rory that once the Binding is broken and the fear of Death no longer looms over him -- our relationship will become closed and committed. It will either light a fire under him to see things through and get things done or it will cause him to drag his feet and not want to be separated from his Others. Until then, HE can run around with his Others and do whatever he likes -- but I have lost all interest in pursuing anyone else after all this. People will likely say this is unfair, that I am being a doormat to Rory's wants and needs, that he should not get to have his cake and eat it too, while I am left with whatever seconds and thirds I get from him and his Others. I am sure people will say I should leave, that I deserve better -- and maybe I do -- and I eternally carry the hope that someday Rory will give that to me once the Binding is broken and done. He needs his Others to get through this. All I need is for him to live -- because if he dies, I am not sure my heart could take that after all we have been through to get here.
 
☼ ☼ ☼
 
In the aftermath, Rory and I have been spending time in Pandaria and we have been exploring every nook and cranny as he tours me through the sights and talk to all the locals, gathering stories and lore as we go. Sometimes we just sail over the treetops of the Jade Forest on his disc and we just take in the beauty of the world around us. It has been a wonderful time and I have enjoyed myself. I have learned much and have a deeper and more profound understanding of this land and its hardships. While I did not get to enjoy it during my tour of duty here, I was assigned mostly to Domination Point, I am glad to get to be experiencing it now. Rory is an exceptional guide between his wanderer's wit and guile, as well as his many connections and friendships in all the places we go.
 
No matter where we go, Rory finds a welcome. It is not hard to see why people love him as they do. Away from all the sorrows of Orgrimmar -- and outside the sphere of our tumultuous relationship -- it should not be hard for anyone to see why I love him as much as I do. He is warm and caring, welcoming to all who find his wagon, he cares for all the people he meets on the road, whether they were friends or enemies upon arrival. It almost seems as if the farther we are from Orgrimmar, the happier and more like himself Rory becomes. I would take him to the moon and beyond, if that were true. I miss THIS Rory when we are mired hips-deep in all the intrigue and skulduggery surrounding Elizaveta. It saddens me that I only get to see glimpses of THIS Rory when we are among everyone else. It is as if the loquacious wit evaporates, the brightness in his eyes dims, and his ears and tail go numb. He loves to wander, my Rory, being constantly dragged back to Orgrimmar stifles him, I think, as it stifles me.
 
We have cleared through the Jade Forest and have moved on to the Valley of the Four Winds. There are such deep agricultural roots in this province! While we shu'halo have never been much for farming, there is something to be said for carefully nurturing food and beautiful plants from the earth. I was even taught how to run a noodle stand! It is a lot harder work than I would have expected, as some people grow somewhat impatient if you are not fast enough. Still, it was a wonderful thing to stand behind that counter and work alongside Rory just doling out food to hungry local pandaren. Rory could even speak their language, which I am already aware of since he does with Qiao, but to hear him among the natives speaking it as if he were born here is another thing entirely to see.
 
It is always a study in contrasts, the Rory that exists out here in the Wilds, versus the Rory that exists in Orgrimmar. When we are out here in the world, just he and I, our relationship suffers no complications, has no hardships. We enjoy one another's company and we have a fine, loving time of it. I experience the same joy and the same wonder as I do when I travel with Borador -- only better, because now I am with the one I truly love and get to experience all of that with. In my heart, though, I know we must eventually return and with it will come all the Situations and Complications that come along with going back. Sometimes -- very selfishly -- I might occasionally wish we did not HAVE to go back. But go back we must. Time waits for no shu'halo and no vulpera either.
 
Still, it makes for a lovely dream.