Everything

Tonight was everything I could have wanted in an evening. I went to the Story Circle early, just intending to bask in the serenity that is Mulgore only to be found by Rory. It was a pleasant surprise. What came as even more of a surprise was how sweet and endearing he was. He spoke very deeply of how much he loves me, how he wants me to find solace in him, to lean on him when I feel the world is too much to bear. As much as I want to do that, I cannot be another burden to him. Another person that NEEDS something from him. He does not seem to understand that I want to be HIS safe-haven, the place he can find comfort and protection, love and laughter -- but I do not feel as if he wants those things from me. I am not sure what he wants from me, besides for me to need him. It is, perhaps, a vicious cycle that we are trapped in.
 
After that, came the Story Circle and I waited on pins and needles, filled with nervousness as I waited for my turn to begin. My heart was full to bursting, though, as I saw all the people I knew and loved best sitting among the crowd: Rory, Hakiro, Zagosh, Sorvitsune, Artimir, even Forgemaster Aurok came! I could barely remember the stories told, but when I finally took the center and began my tale all of that vanished. I told my story, I enthralled the audience, I danced and for once I felt as if I lived up to the beacon of Light that everyone called me. It seemed to go over well and the Circle seemed well-pleased. Ambassador Jarclair came over to deliver compliments, his and a tauren brave he sat with that he called, Raton. I could not be happier.
 
The rest of the night was everything I needed. The warm closeness of friends, conversations that did NOT go to dark places. There was laughter and even Qiao told a story. Hakiro and Qiao both spoke of telling something at a future Story Circle. Even Zagosh offered to drum for me the next time I chose to dance.
 
I am not sure what to make of Zagosh, the way he looks at me on occasion. I am not used to such appreciative looks yet for all that I have accepted that I can be both beautiful and desirable. To say nothing of such looks coming from those I have long considered my friends. An'she's Grace, not that it is unwelcome or unwanted, just unexpected. Or... sakes, not that I am desperate or even seeking. It is just... just... flustering!
 
As the groups began to part ways though, Zagosh went off with Hakiro, Rory returned to work, Artimir to slumber, Sorvitsune back to drinking, perhaps... I found I was once more in the company of Tazzi, Qiao, and one of Tazzi's associates, Dezeroak. I took them to the bluff overlooking Mulgore where I often take my friends so that they might enjoy its magnificent view. They asked why this location was special to me and I told them that it was where I used to come as a girl with Shashona and it was here that we shared our dreams, our hopes for our future. After I told them that, they asked about my dreams, then and now, so I told them.
 
My dream as a girl was simple, exactly what you would expect from some vain creature weighted beneath the expectations of a Chieftain's Daughter. My girlhood dream was simply to find a strong, mighty Brave to marry so that I could bring honor and stability to my tribe. My dream now? I was not sure that I had one, but after some prodding from Qiao, I came to realize that my dream now is that the ones I love most, the ones I care for, my friends, my chosen tribe, Rory... that they all live ideal lives in whatever manner of their choosing, that they know happiness and prosperity. Something I will fight each and every day with them to help them achieve.
 
After that, we heard from Qiao, Tazzi, even Dezeroak. Jeff eventually joined us and shared his, then Rory who shared his much later after most everyone had gone. I spoke mostly with Qiao and, as our verbal rambles often do, we touched upon many subjects. Her upbringing as a Shado-Pan compared to mine among the tribes, her trials and tribulations that make her strong and courageous, ever as much as mine do for me. Her scars that make her beautiful and mine that do the same. We are much alike, Qiao and I, she understands me in many ways that others do not. I find that I enjoy her company. She even asked to be my "close companion" which I thought was endearing. I have never had anyone ASK to be my close friend before, they simply became one through words and actions. Not that Qiao is not living up to that standard, she very much comforts me through word and deed.
 
Rory spent most of his time after his return with Tazzi and later Monnie, which I do not begrudge him in the least. He came to see me at the Story Circle, after all. But it occurred to me then that Rory is never the sweet, endearing, loving version of himself like he was in Bloodhoof Village except when we are alone. The only exception being the one time he tried to kiss me as a tauren in the Wyvern's Tail. He will be affectionate, nuzzle, kiss all these other women in front of me, but he never does so to me in front of them. Or perhaps it is because I do not impress myself upon him. Perhaps that is what he means when he says he wants me to need him. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me I am not brazen enough for him. Is that what he wants? To be chased? Pursued?
 
It is as if he does not know me at all. For most of my life I felt I was unwanted, unloved. I did not seek what was not mine to have. I did not give chase, because I was unworthy. It is not like that as simply all evaporated because he has chosen to love me. Even now, I cannot throw myself at interested parties, even him. I am simply... not built like that. My heart is not built like that. My love is not built like that. It is like he wants me to be a completely different person than who I am. Then why does he even love me? If I am not what he actually wants, not what actually he needs -- then why?
 
I wish for nothing more than Rory's happiness and if that is what he finds with these women, these pirate adventures, and whatever else he does with them then I am happy for him. I just wish I did not feel so taken for granted. He barely sees me anymore, he does not even act as if he wants to be around me for any longer than he has to in order to reassure me that he DOES love me, in spite of all the things he does not do. I have spent more time with Qiao in the past week than I have with Rory in the past month. I think Qiao knows me better than Rory does at this point.
 
An'she's Grace this entry is too damn long. I am going to bed.