2 am

I'm so dumb! Where to begin? I'm scared. I'm scared and I just wish things made sense. I guess I kinda get why Sarg keeps trying to shove everyone into his military box, he's afraid too. Not that I think he could ever admit that to himself. I'm not much better. I'm desperately trying to hold us all together and failing badly. Especially with the kid. How could we (Silas, Echo, Jaxion, and I) all fail to see that the kid was trying to admit she didn't end up out here of her own free will? She's been through so much and she's terrified. But she scared the hell out of me today. Just as much as Jaxion frightened me. They both want to take charge. He wants to walk out the door and she wants to steer the ship (literally).
 
What's worse there are too many secrets around here and I'm the only open book. How could I be so stupid.? The military doesn't give two shits about Jaxion, they want Echo and the cube. They know Jaxion is that last person who saw both. I've seen enough to know he's no ordinary android. He's a prototype, a one of a kind, and I'd bet money the military will chase him to the ends of the earth. That's why Echo wanted Jaxion to go get information. I'm sure the cat figured it out immediately. Of course that secretive fur ball probably decided we didn't need to know everything.
 
Seems like everyone on this damn boat is wanted for some reason or another. Except me of course... Sometimes I wish I could just walk away, but how can I? I never asked for any of this. I don't believe in chosen ones. Pops just says you have to do your best in any situation. I'm trying, and sucking at it. I want to have everyone's back but I don't feel like anyone has mine.
 
Kii is so focused on her "destiny" she can't see the here and now. She doesn't understand how frightening it is to travel with a being that could get us all killed or worse. Yet she wants to be fiercely "out there" like some bad girl power music video. I'm glad Lux has the kids back, but I don't trust her. Not for myself anyway. She's cold and aloof. Apparently I didn't make the cut. I guess I can't blame them. (Or can I? Lux keep lording the fact that she keeps lording the fact that she saved Jaxion over him. He died fighting to defend everyone in their group. She brought him back because she knew he would aid in their survivial. People around her just use him and his skill set when it is convenient for them. Then they yell at him. Just like they use me when they need a ride or someone to watch their six, then they ignore me.) Who would have thought I would be defending an asshole? Only, I know he isn't really a bad person and I don't want to see him get killed because of his own stubbornness. Plus I owe him my life. I have to repay him, no matter what he says, that's the code. Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed dead in that cave... I still have nightmares. No one else even acknowledges that I've got reasons to be scared too, but if I belly ache it will just make things worse. If I'm too emotional to work I'm useless. Wow, I'm pathetic.
 
I've got to stop feeling sorry for myself. The kid's had it so much worse... plus she's a kid. I'm going to have to bring it up, if there isn't a big yelling match (I'm not holding my breath that it won't go down.) I'm going to have to say that we all should have acknowledged how right Xhoya is to feel fear. We're all scared. I really hate that I don't feel like I can really trust anyone right now. Maybe I should just walk away? How can you try to hold a group together if none of them give a shit about you, unless you can fix something for them?
 
Ironic isn't it? The one thing that I thought would keep me sane. The one thing that I know and I resent that its all I seem to be. A gun smith. I want to go home.