Hag Heads and Shitbags

So, after a good night’s sleep at Roger’s boathouse off we set down the river. Won’t lie, a boat trip is pretty dull and the temptation to hoist Bort, the wee shitbag, over the side can grow pretty tempting. Lucky for him I’m a master of self-control and restraint.
 
Well, when there isn’t blood to be drawn and teeth to be had.
 
ANYWAY. After an uneventful first day we found a spot on the shore to camp. Set up the tents with Thal and Torwynn taking turns to keep watch. Glad those elves only need four hours of sleep each because I’m an eight-hour Dwarf and I cannae be doing without a full night’s rest. Especially when nothing happened until the next day.
 
So we’re pootling down the river and the air starts to become misty as shite, you can feel it closing in around you. Then sure enough we find a spooky-arse village on the shore. Three of us vote to investigate and so we do, and surprise, surprise it’s abandoned.
 
Off we go and investigate the place, Thal uses some weird holy magic to see into another plane and there’s shadows moving around there, all from the well in the centre of the village. We all peer in, can’t see shite so I decide to test Bort’s boomeraxe adjustments and throw it down the well.
 
We don’t hear it hit anything so I summon it back to my hand.
 
Does it return?
 
DOES IT BOLLOCKS.
 
Despite my seething rage at losing my axe I was very restrained when I told Bort just what in the name of bloody fuck I thought of the shitbag’s stupid arsewipe invention.
 
I’m all about jumping in after my axe but nooooo, everyone else just wanted to explore the village for clues while my precious baby was lost. Team player that I am, I waited by the well for the buggers to do whatever it is they wanted to do.
 
Then out of nowhere I start feeling sleepy and conk out. Let me tell you, I’ve never had a nightmare so bad. I ain’t gonnae write it down but it scared the living shite out of me, felt like I couldn’t escape until the others woke me up.
 
Well, until Bort woke me up.
 
By shocking me with his lightning hands.
 
THE WEE SHITBAG.
 
Anyway, I was awake, and I told Torwynn what I’d seen and she recognised it as a hag.
 
A HAG THE ELF BASTARD THAL DECIDED TO SUMMON USING A BLOOD RITUAL.
 
The hag was pissed off about being summoned into our realm, but not as pissed off as I was about having her in my dreams so there was only one way to settle this: with an axe to her face.
 
I say that, but the wicked witch was a wee bit too far for me so by the time I’d dashed over to her, Rynaar had already walloped her around the face with his staff. After taking BARELY A FEW SECONDS to catch my breath, I was about to swing at the witch but she created six copies of herself! Not to mention a couple of shade creatures that looked tortured. Poor bastards, they’d lost their souls to tha’ hag.
 
The next moments are a wee bit hazy but Torwynn transformed herself into a dire wolf, Bort pulled out one of his magic canons to start blasting, Rynaar hit everything that moved with his staff and Thal conjured up one of his spiritual holy weapons to start slashing at the hag’s copies and the souls.
 
Before we knew it, we’d found the true Hag and killed the souls (who seemed relived when we did) and began to trade blows.
 
Now, the Hag and I went at it. Me with my axe and her with her claws. Aye, she may…MAY have gotten in a few…A FEW lucky hits but if Torwynn tells you I knelt because of my injuries, don’t listen. I was kneeling OUT OF RESPECT for a worthy foe.
 
OUT.
 
OF.
 
RESPECT.
 
And the blood Thal healed off me wasnae my own…it was…the Hag’s. I was barely touched.
 
BARELY.
 
TOUCHED.
 
Clear? Good.
 
Anyhoo, after that the hag sucked us into her dream shadow plane. Cheeky witch tried the same thing with her shadow ghosties but we beat them, and then it was onto her.
 
Course, now that we were in the shadow plane, the boomeraxe started working again and I was able to call that baby back to my hand. Torwynn saw it coming and ducked out of the way, but the hag? Nope, she was cut by that beautiful thing.
 
This was the beginning of the end for her, an’ guess who finally separated her head from her shoulders?
 
AYE? ‘Twas me. YOU’RE WELCOME.
 
Strange thing too, the darkness of her world pulled her head into it, like it was after revenge. Best not to interfere with that but it did spit out one of her teeth. I’m not going to ask how the darkness knew, but it did, so… thank you. My dark friends.
 
Once that was over, we found ourselves back in the real world, in the village. It felt calm now, like the curse had been lifted. Until we saw a wee child standing by the well. Just a small lass, Jessica, holding a doll and missing her parents. ‘Course they were long gone, just like everyone else in the village. Torwynn took the lass under her wing and gathered some things of hers from her house while the rest of us (me) headed into the village tavern to rest.
 
But… the tavern was well stocked with ale and food! So we tucked in while we worked out what to do with Jessica.
 
Long and short of it is she’s going to start a new life with the old man and his wife back at the brewery.
 
With that settled, I turned in for the night. But when I woke up the king of the shitbags had woven a web trap above my bed!
 
I tried to sit up but was caught, hands and face trapped in stick web.
 
Course Bort, the wee shitbag, was standing and laughing. “Oh Kragg, you’re so strong, why don’t you break out of this weak old web.”
 
So I did.
 
Well, one arm did, anyway. Which was all I needed to grab the gnome bastard by the throat and lift him off the ground.
 
Rynaar came running in at this point so I threw Bort in his direction. Maybe not the most sensible thing to do, seeing as Half n’Half is a ninja monk person, and Rynaar instinctively (or so he says) deflected the oncoming Bort… out of the window.
 
Naturally, it didn’t take me long to break free of the rest of the web and head outside to where the shitbag had landed. I imagine he was expecting to be thrown back through a downstairs window but I just slapped him on the back instead.
 
He’d got me, all right. Got me good an’ proper. Fair play to the lad.
 
While that was happening, the old man and Tiny showed up to take Jessica back to Eldbury. Last I saw of her was heading the other way down the river playing with the doll she’d been given and the clockwork horse Bort had made her.
 
She’ll be alright, that one.
 
And with that, we’re off down the river again.