Journal 21 - Day 16 Pt.2

**Psychic Paper**
"I miss you guys. I really need a massage along with a whiskey and ice cream day. I'm so thankful for the life you gave me. Thank you S.I.S.. Love Kii"
 
(Written in the Queen's French)
If I could sigh into paper and release it as a scream, I would.
 
I’m tired.
 
Don’t worry, Blink. I’m not giving up. I’m not questioning.
 
Just. Fucking. Tired.
 
Period.
 
Driftwind is beautiful. She moves with the grace and power of her kin. None of them will understand that — but Xhoya did. Again.
Surprisingly, we worked well together.
No. Not surprisingly. We’ve proven it more than once.
 
When we stay as one.
But.
Trust would make us better.
 
Fuck.
 
“The word of the day?” Hope would say. I know it doesn’t help, but it feels good to say it anyway. I need to rest inside the pain for a moment — let the real feelings breathe, if only briefly.
 
But you want a soldier?
I’ll show you a General.
 
Curt.
Straightforward.
 
The pain is too much.
 
The Gazelle found us. Reckless…
 
After we donned the Driftwood, I could barely focus on the mysteries of my people — let alone the connection Ildris so casually, so stirringly, offered me: his mind. To share pain and flight.
 
Does he understand how intimate that was?
 
I’m sure he does.
And if so — how can he be so nonchalant? So stoic?
 
Keeper… he is a phenomenal Keeper. That’s why.
Born into a poker face carved from stone.
 
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.
 
I miss my wings.
 
I want a break — and it’s only just begun — and I can share none of this because this team is lost inside itself. Selfish.
 
Fuck.
Me too, somehow. I’m sure of it.
 
We “talked.”
 
All better?
No.
Fuck no. Nothing but a bandage slapped on a wound that still bleeds.
 
Gidget admitted fault toward Xhoya. She apologized to me too.
 
Thankfully, I wasn’t in this mood when it happened. I accepted it. I understand her fear. But I don’t think she understands that my life is more important to me than even to her.
 
Weird concept.
But true.
 
Their lives are tied for first place too.
 
Echo stood up for himself. He showed me there was no fault — only horrible execution. He understood his life was endangered as well. And he made it very clear: he is a person.
 
Not hard to grasp, Jaxion.
 
Jaxion… ugh.
Complex little fuck.
Just listen to me already — that’s what I wanted to yell. I want your best.
 
Instead, I listened.
He explained his soldier side. How it frustrates him that we aren’t military. I understand him — but right now I see a man terrified to build a new version of himself, throwing a quiet fit about it.
Soldier up, soldier boy.
The world’s upside down. There’s no better time to become the real Jaxion.
 
Fuck, I’m only this angry because I can see how great he could be. The BRN is smothering him — and he’s letting it. Enjoying it.
Bah.
 
Xhoya accepted the apologies. Stayed silent.
 
Lux caved after a small bark at her critiques. I’ll pamper her. She’ll be fine. Growth hurts.
 
Silas… dismissive.
I worry his focus is staying neutral — the unassuming peacekeeper — to preserve his mission. A different kind of soldier. He, and the Black Axel continue to remind me of the wolves my mother runs in her pack. Which is concerning.
I’m questioning his sincerity.
And that sucks.
 
And me?
I worked on Jaxion.
I need him to see he can lead without hiding inside that stubborn-ass BRN shell. He needs to loosen up. Let himself fly.
Hair as wings… omgoodness, hilarious! XD
 
The talk didn’t hurt.
But it didn’t fix us.
 
The Gazelle.
 
The Gazelle is a fucking problem wrapped in indestructible bullshit. A mute, joyless, chrome cunt that stomps through cities like they’re made of wet cardboard. No soul, no face, no tells — just a towering shit-engine of violence doing laps through reality like it’s a damned obstacle course.
 
You know what drives me mad? He doesn’t even run. He just glides — like some blue-metal ballerina of destruction — right through skyscrapers, turning cities into powder because gravity apparently negotiates with him. And that name? The Gazelle? Whoever named that thing “Gazelle” should be slapped with a chair. They deserve to be punted into the sol's mouth. Gazelles run from predators — this one makes predators rethink their life choices. This fucker is a weaponized middle finger with legs, an unkillable whore of entropy that keeps getting away with it.
You can throw fire, steel, spells, prayers — doesn’t matter. He walks through it all like, oh, was that supposed to hurt? No reaction. No pause. Just more marching, from the metal bastard who does not give a single shit.
 
 
I’m tired of watching him stroll out of fireballs like he ordered the damn things. I’m tired of him looking untouchable, untarnished, untouchably perfect like some divine insult made of alloys and attitude. Even in his demolition, he still flew off like it was scratch. And that glowing slit on his face? That’s not a face — that’s a taunt. A silent “go fuck yourself” carved into gunmetal. Every time it turns toward you, it’s like the world saying, yeah, you’re about to lose something you liked.
 
 
I don’t want him to feel pain. I want him ended. Scrapped. Reduced to spare parts and regret. I want whatever keeps that invincible cunt moving to finally choke, spark, and die screaming in silence.
Because I am so fucking tired of watching a soulless, physics-dodging, city-fucking shit lord keep winning just by existing.
 
.... Okay....
 
Okay. Enough before the vein in my temple explodes. Anger never eases my pain. I know that.
 
Which only makes me angrier.
 
Fuck me.
 
Fuck this day.
 
Once more — focus on the good:
 
• We destroyed the Gazelle’s body.
• I connected with Ildris through an ancient craft of my people.
• We are in an incredibly safe place to rest — thanks, ancestors.
 
And the most important part to me:
 
I kept my promise.
I fulfilled my duty.
 
Ildris is connected to his timeline. Reunited with what was taken from him. I didn’t tell him — only guided him to his thread.
 
Blink… I pray I’ve made you proud.
Even if I look like a failing platypus navigating this mission, my duty will be done right.
 
…
 
I’m going to calm myself with Xhoya. I have ideas — ways to bond.
I hope she accepts.
 
~K