More scribbles

I write more and more now. I kinda like it. Maybe I can read later and think more clearly like “ah that’s why”. I just wanted to have some stuff written so I don’t forget. What if I go black again and forget all I’m doing, like that day on the dragon when Liarya died… I don’t want that again.
 
We went to the Zidith thing. I love this dimension it’s so so so big and every place is different. They call them planets it’s like the ground but always a different one. They are big balls in the sky and we travel from one ball to another but because they are big balls you don’t feel like you are on a ball. And they float in space which is well empty place like air, but even emptier somehow.
 
The Zidith thing was very scary, because of all the electricity. Reminded me of Nerissa dread-charging somehow. But then the Zidith thing was actually someone, an elf-looking robot who talked to Nixie the captain and then Damaschini attacked it because I think they were enemies… but I don’t remember having to fight big robot elves. I remember normal Elves but Damaschini helped those. They said that Xantinya and demons were like their parents…? Whatever, the Zidith was nasty and it left.
 
Then we left too because the huge building came crashing down on us, so we got into the chest again. Now some Orshag guy is carrying us to another place. We go to a black hole to send a message to the worlds. All of them. I don’t know, something about a fight. Against Xantinya probably, everyone is so obsessed with her.
 
I don’t understand it. They seem like nice people but they also want to fight everything that isn’t them, like demons. I mean look even they have children of their own, even if they are ugly robots. Actually they are not ugly, I just don’t like robots. They are strong and I don’t know how to kill a robot. I guess I don’t like what I can’t kill.
 
And then Nixie and Verfys wanted to talk to me. They wanted to help me with something. They said I’m not a monster even if I’m Circeks. But what I cared about was that they said I have a soul. Now normally I know better, but they said then that if my mother had no soul then how did she love my father, and I said but how do you know she loved him? And they said well you! ‘cuz I’m half-Circeks only. I know that because I can’t grow real claws and teeth. And until recently I couldn’t do the thing where I change my eyes. Now I know how because Xantinya taught me.
 
So they think my mother loved my father and that shows she was not an animal. So Circeks are not animals? That’s good ‘cuz I heard it’s bad to fuck an animal and I don’t want to think father was bad. Then I like him again. I missed liking him.
 
But if I have a soul then what about all I did? The Elves and Damaschini and Tallion kept talking about how you must do good things, and the big Old Guy decides what is good and what isn’t. So to have a soul is like I am his prisoner. Ugh. I have to listen to his orders. Maybe I shouldn’t have a soul. Souls suck.
 
The two girls also wanted to help me with hunting people. They said they will think of a way not to have to hunt or something. Like bring together my human and Circeks side. I don’t know. Xantinya taught me to be something that worked. Now I don’t feel I work…
 
I went to visit Marc earlier. I knew he was afraid of me and she likes the brunette more than me. He was gonna use the bathhouse so I waited for him in squirrel form as he prepared to enter the tub. He saw me and he freaked out so I turned into me again and just asked him if he though I was pretty. What’s the harm. Marc wasn’t even looking so I told him to look and he said he can’t so I asked him why. I’m not a child and he knows that, so why treat me like one. I asked him if it’s because he likes the boring brunette. He said yes but keep that a secret and that he’ll tell me a secret if I cover up and talk to him, and he’ll keep our talk a secret too. I said all right I wanna know secrets so I covered up with towels and listened to him.
 
So I promised to tell no one ever but you are just a silly book so I can write here if anyone reads this you will get scythed, I warned you. He told me secrets make one trust others more. He was cute to give me one. So he likes the brunette and they even fucked once, before a very big bad battle in the elf-kingdom. She was scared she would die and didn’t want to die alone. They are very good friends but never fucked after that, I think that’s dumb but I didn’t say. I asked him if she doesn’t like him back and he said he doesn’t know. I wanted to tell him he’s silly but I didn’t want to ruin the secret so I shut up. He told me to keep my mouth shut about this.
 
I asked him if he didn’t like Isbel would he fuck me instead but he said no like that, didn’t even think about it.. He wasn’t afraid. So I asked him why and he said he doesn’t do that with young girls and I was like but you said it doesn’t matter that I’m a child you said that when you said you don’t look at me, your reason was this Isbel girl now think if you didn’t like Isbel but no he said that even if he knows I’m not a child like others my age he will still treat me like he should because I have many years left to grow and so I called him a liar for lying that he didn’t want to look at me cuz of Isbel but he said he didn’t lie. I guess…?
 
But then he promised he would make sure Isbel doesn’t get any young guys so that I get them, and that was fine. I guess it can work that way… Marc is a nice guy. I like him. When I said I can tell others that he likes Isbel because that’s not the secret he told me not to tell he said ah yes but what you told me after I told you the secret wasn’t part of the deal! I did try to seduce him a little after, maybe… ok, he got me. He’s not dumb.
 
So now I’ll have fun. Because I don’t know what they will do but it can be fun. I like when people like each other. I don’t like when people hate each other. That sucks. Like Tallion always grumpy and Cato killing people and hurting Kira and Damaschini not talking to anyone. I like people who like people.