(Maybe) princess!

Hi journal I found out I maybe am a princess of this cool chest with all the artifacts in it, can you believe I maybe have all this cool stuff that's just lying about!? Yea, crazy. Well I found out I maybe am because things open up for me, so the chest must know something... but we can't now for sure yet. oof.
 
But actually there's more, a lot of stuff happened. We spent a lot of time in the chest because we are travelling to the black hole, it's a hole and it's actually purple, and it's not even a hole actually it's a big ball of xenatine. Why call it a black hole then, pfft. Anyway, we took the Evo Drive ships they use to go fast to places. We are inside the chest so no one knows about us.
 
I don't know if I want to go back or... things were easier when I first got into this land. Damn Commonwealth guys though... I wonder if they'll come after us. I mean for sure, they know about us all. I bet they will be waiting somewhere. They can't track me with their weird small tracking things, though, because the Orshags swept me clean of any of them when I was in the hospital. Not that they can track us in the chest... can they?
 
I'm not sure what the chest is. If it's mine, I should find out. I always take good care of whatever I have. Thunder can vouch. Except my scythes, oof. They got broken. But they had xenatine on them and xenatine wasn't good at all. Good thing I have a pair of new cool scythes now.
 
Now, after the strange meeting with the robo-Elf people wanted to talk about how to spread some message through the black hole and into all the worlds. There are 9 worlds actually, each with their own Earth and stars and stuff. And we can reach them with a message using this black hole, apparently, but no one had a clue how. And maybe Lullaby had a clue but she can't speak or think. So to find out more they decided to have Eve search her mind or something. They were talking about really complicated stuff, planes of reality they call them, like the 9 things that make up everything.
 
I mean I think I have the main idea, it's not that hard. Whatever I look at is just 9 things one over the other. Like my hand is what I see when the 9 stuff are placed one above the other. If the 1 layer with magic is bigger, let's say, then I'll see a magic hand (I wish). It's not that hard. What's hard is to figure out what to do with that, I guess. But I don't know about sending messages or entering Lullaby's brain. Also, why does everyone invade Lullaby or her child? Weird, very very weird.
 
I actually don't want to write about it. I don't like how I was there when Bajid died, but didn't even remember. If I have a soul, I have a bad soul. Better to have no soul at all. But if I have a soul why do I feel the urge to hunt? It's no fair! Others don't have to fight this kind of stuff. And why fight it? It's me, it's who I am! What's my problem that Xantinya kills them? I didn't kill them! Right?
 
*smudge*
 
I don't like writing words like this. If they are only in my head I can't see them, they can't hurt me. Ah but then when the girls or Damaschini will ask me again I won't know what to say! They press me to say what I think what I want why I stay. I don't know. I have nowhere to go! Even if we were back in our world... Go where? Back to Xantinya? I don't want to go back to Xantinya. She seemed fun. But now everything hurts. And it's her fault. Well, my fault. It is my fault. I am a bad... everything. Even a bad Circeks. If Circeks have souls, maybe they ... I don't know, have some purpose. I mean I like to do my Circeks stuff, but ... why isn't it enough?
 
And I don't know, stay with them? I... Damaschini.... I... Is Damaschi.... I don't know! I don't want to leave him now. But I can't feel good here. If I'm Circeks they fear and hate. If I have a soul, samesies. I mean I killed a lot of people and I'm not gonna cry for it. I am what I am. A very good assasin. Hah! I like that. The thrill of hunting down your prey, the scream of the enemy falling. I can feel it coming back. I need to hunt again. Soon. It's hard not to look at them.. that way.
 
I can't stay here. I will want to do what I do. They will stop me. I'll go mad. I can't live without it! I can't do stuff to upset Damaschini again. Maybe he'll leave again.... Maybe it's better if I leave. I ruined their thing. Even their chest. They were better without me. I come and I ruin everything...
 
I could go back to Weldyn. Thunder waits for me, and Haldric will not throw me out, right? Maybe Xantinya will. She didn't tell me to kill them, but I bet she won't like when I'll tell her I didn't.... I'll disappoint her too.
 
Fuck them all. I wanted to write something fun in here but I can't! Fuck this all I can't even write about how I discovered I maybe am a princess of the Chest, name Kataria, I have to write about how I feel right and I feel bad, super bad. I can't stay here I can't leave I can't do anything. I wanna hunt I wanna be me but who is me!? I wanna be nice to them but if I fuck and kill them that doesn't sound nice right. So. I can't be me if I'm nice? Was I nice, like ever?
 
We made a room for Lullaby's son who is not born yet. For when he will be born. They didn't really ask me, even if I am maybe princess of the Chest, but I'd say yes anyway, I want Lullaby to have a baby room in my chest, I could give her all the Chest if she needs... I can give the Chest to them anyway, I don't want all these rooms. But no one wants me to have the Chest so they pretend I don't have it so no point in thinking about it...
 
I mean it would be cool to have something you know. Like a big thing, rooms and stuff in rooms. Many many things many people want. It's cool to have scythes and a sack but it's much cooler to have many stuff you can give to people and see those people smile and thank you. Because maybe some people will give stuff back or maybe you can guilt trip them or maybe they actually are glad and will say thank you and be nice to you and they are nice people who deserve a room or an artifact. And I could do something nice, right?
 
But Nixie doesn't want me to have the chest. She is smart, she knows I wanna make her say "Miyun the chest is yours" so she twists my words. She's captain so she has the chest now. Fine. But when she said she wants to destroy the automatons I was mad. Why destroy my friends?! They protect the Chest and they are my knights! I always wanted knights! Like Haldric has those black ones with big curved swords, who ride on dead horses. They are sooooo powerful they can chop a horse's head with like a twitch of the wrist. The automatons are prettier, 'cause they are not red-eyed or riding undead horseys. Aaaand they can rebuild each other so they never really die! Cool knights for a cool princess, right?
 
So I won't let Nixie destroy them. Hope I can become princess of the Chest by then. And even if I'm not the princess of Kataria or whatever, I still don't want the automatons to die. They just protect the Chest. It's not their fault we move stuff around! Maybe they'll like it. Maybe I can convince them to let Nixie's garden, for example. Which is very nice. Or the baby-room for Lullaby. I would like these two to remain like this. The rest can go.
 
Oh so I was writing about the thing with Lullaby and her mind. So Eve had to enter her mind because she was closest to Lullaby. Eve looks like a very nice girl but she's so tired and grumpy all the time, I heard it's cause of a demon. Demons really hate them it seems. Eve fell asleep with Lullaby and her sword by her side and the rest said we should pray because Eve would now travel into Lullaby's mind and try to put some questions in her mind to see what memories she could find which answer the questions. Fair enough. It's how the spirit works, yes yes the soul. If I have one then that can be done to me as well? Scary.
 
Still Eve is a nice girl so I wasn't afraid. But pray...? Like to the Old Man? For what!? So Lullaby won't be hurt they say, because maybe some memories would be bad and Lullaby must stay calm so she doesn't wake up and lose her child because demons and stuff. I felt like in Redochia. When demons attacked Liaryia and Nerissa. Well they did attack all of us at the beginning ha. I said I'd scythe them. Well I scythed mages and monks.
 
Why do I kill these people? Maybe I should kill others? I can't turn back. That's hard. It's hard to think maybe I was wrong maybe I had to kill others. I know I have to kill something, right? I am Miyun I kill. It's super easy when you say it like that. But kill what? Damaschini? no. Tallion? no. Nixie and her crew? No. Then? Demons? I can't kill demons. Plus they are not the ones that put me here it's the Old Man and his stupid rules and his hate for monsters like me! They created me so they can mock me? ughhhhhhhhhhh but demons attack Lullaby and Eve and they attacked Liaryia and Nerissa too. I don't know. I can't be enemies with those who hurt my friends if I don't... I don't know, it's not simple! Ok if someone hurts my friends they are my enemies. But when friends hurt me...!? What then!? And if enemies also help you...? I don't know. World is not simple and they keep saying "hey Miyun just pray" or "Hey Miyun the Almighty loves everyone that's what he says don't you see?" No I don't!!!! I never felt some Old guy from the clouds loving me! He could come in my dream and say "Hey Miyun I love you!" But no one said anything. "It doesn't work that way" will say the big tall Tallion. Fine, it works that I have to be a well groomed human who never swears and fucks only after marriage, like Tallion. Who is not married, go figure. Then I'll be loved by the Old man. Why?
 
Anyway, I didn't want to be coy or mean about it. Lullaby and Eve were maybe in danger, and everyone was very serious, and I already had enough of their looks when I say anything about their precious Oldman, so I stayed with them and .... prayed? It wasn't that hard, to be honest. I mean you want a nice thing, what's to feel bad about, right? I wanted Eve to be fine and Lullaby to not have ugly memories come back in her mind. So I asked Old man to take care of them at least, they are human and are good and proper. Help them then.
 
They were fine, and Eve actually dreamt she was Lullaby and came with these new stuff about planes of reality and how you can imagine stuff and use your body to help you imagine stuff better. And how you have to see or feel things in any way with some details so you can manipulate them. And then they started arguing because Nixie was unhappy with the result, she wanted something more clear about the black hole and Eve went angry and went to her room with Lullaby.
 
I wanted to write more about the orb they discovered in the Chest but I don't like that moment. Damaschini and Nixie were mad at each other because they found an orb that says what your deepest desire for the past and for the future is, and Damaschini wants to use it and NIxie doesn't and Damaschini said I won't listen to you and Nixie said listen to me cause I'm the captian I want you to not look into the orb and that's final, or something like that.
 
They were both very mean and I don't know why they like to argue but oh well... I went to check the orb and wanted to see the future. I thought maybe the orb could help me see what I wanted. But it was all mixed up. I was with DAmaschini but killing him, I was with Xantinya but actually with their crew... I don't know. I don't know what I want, and even the orb can't tell what I want. That sucks.
 
Damaschini still doesn't understand, we are ugly to them. He said we're the new ones. Well why are we here in the first place? Maybe we should leave, just us two, and go... I don't know.... I wonder, did they make a tomb for Liaryia and Nerissa anywhere? Maybe I should go see it. Like dad made for mom. I remember that tomb. It was nice. I would sometimes leave a flower because I know dad left flowers, but back then I didn't know why people leave flowers. I asked the Elves in Legondol, they said we leave flowers because they are like nice thoughts, like warm thoughts, they are bright and coloured and beautiful and so the dead see how we think of them, and when the flowers die and wither away it means the dead are left with no warm thoughts and feel forgotten again so we need to come back and give them some more so they won't stay sad.
 
so maybe there's a tomb for them, and if not I'd like to make one... i'll ask Damaschini. But yea maybe we should just leavee. But Damaschini wants to fight Xantinya... I'm sick of this. Everyone wants to fight. uh I wanna fight too I guess. I just don't know what, yet. I thought the Old man. I fought him already. Bored. Or I don't know, sick. I don't know exactly. Old man is dying anyway. Xantinya is killing him.
 
Wonder who will be next to rule, Xantinya, right? That's why Nixie and crew want to stop her. Because they like Old man more than Xantinya.
 
Maybe they're both jerks, how about that. Everyone who has this much power is a bit of a jerk. Don't tell Haldric I said that, hah. He's not a jerk though. But Xantinya maybe.
 
Well, I guess I'll stay here for now. Damaschini says we need to give more time, we will fit in. I don't know. They want to help the Old man and take down Xantinya. I have to want the same. But I don't. But I don't know WHAT I want, so.... You see? I'm stuck. I can't leave, I can't stay I can't............ ahahhhhhhhhhhh I hate it
 
And soon... It's itching me. I need it.
 
I need my prey.