The War of Santa Pez

Of course, the Connodo from which we receive much of our content and narrative structures has had plenty of wars. These provide rich material for stories about the battles and myths about the heroes and villains who’ve played their parts in them (as well as many different versions of such notables to the Gri’xian population, depending on the perspective of the teller).   But the Gri’x is, overall, a relatively peaceful place. We have plenty of space for everyone to have all the land and resources they could want. The visionary projections of ‘Nodian minds being what they are, we do have our share of squabbles, but the Bimp County Police Department can usually settle things down. Outright war in or between the Realms is practically unheard-of.   Except, of course, for the War of Santa Pez.   Of the many intriguing facts and rumors surrounding this historic battle, perhaps the most perplexing is that, to this day, no one is really sure what all the fighting was about.   (Not even this author, though it’s been referenced enough times in other entries that a write-up about this legendary conflict is probably over-due.)   The short list* of what we do know:

• The Doorcats were definitely involved.
• The Illuminati Bastards were probably involved (aren’t they always? Let’s just assume that they were).
• The Salvation Marines were already present at the scene, camped in a small park at the end of a Wezzyde cul-de-sac for one of their standard pre-emptive emergency response missions.
• There was some kind of kerfluffle between archaeologists exploring the legendary “warehouse full of treasure” in the old Hantayi Ruins near the Aetherfall at the edge of the Goddam Desert.
• Nobody—nobody, mind you—should have been mucking around in the Goddam Desert in the first place. How many times do we have to say it?
• After days of waiting for something to which they could respond, the officers in charge had declared it to be yet another non-emergency, and soldiers were forming their lines to begin the routine surprise donationary sweep of the neighborhood.
• A second kerfluffle broke out within the Wezzyde neighborhood as the long-standing competitive tensions between the Habertham and Strataczynski families came to a boiling point. Each was determined to out-donate the other, and there was some unfortunate shouting and name-calling.
• 8-year-old Henrique Strataczynski’s science project from last year, a rough-but-functional model of the Aetherfall, should never have been tossed into the donation pile, no matter how long it had been taking up space in the garage. Henrique was furious.
• Henrique was (is) excessively fond of ‘Nodian cartoons featuring lots of angry soldiers fighting bad guys with laser beams.
• Henrique was (is) also a natural Somnicist. (This wasn’t apparent until the day of the War, but, well, now we know.)
• Somniscient consequences ensued. Portals appeared.
• When it became apparent that the situation had escalated to the status of Active Emergency, the Salvation Marines broke rank and panicked, as their training had only covered theoretical emergencies.
• Henrique’s model erupted; the actual Aetherfall erupted; dimensional detritus flew everywhere.
• Brigadier General Sir Ramidol Pillious Quirp had the presence of mind to put some of the nicer donation items aside where they wouldn’t get damaged. What with everything going on at the time, he can be forgiven for not realizing that one such item was, in fact, an entire dimension unto itself.
• The Fish thought the whole thing was wildly entertaining.

  Finally, the most obvious, and the most intriguing, and the most perplexing fact:

• By the time it was all over, the Realm of Santa Pez—which had, apparently, always been just on the other side of the Aetherfall behind a small hill where no one had ever checked—was now in the Gri’x, having been accidentally annexed to the other nine Realms.

  This wasn’t apparent until the Salvation Marines had retreated to their central office in Crating to unload the donation boxes and prep their contents for inventory processing. The rest of the boxes acquired from this historic event are still taped up, and have been moved to the Volatile Contents Secure Holding District, “just in case.”   The Marines are still looking for qualified volunteers brave enough to open them.

---

*Subject to change, as this author is now inspired to actually write the whole damned novel some day.