Portal Funk

Traveling between dimensions is easy. It’s the portals themselves that can be tricky—especially if you can’t find the damned thing. Because portals tend to form between two (or more) places with enough similarities on both sides to create that inter-dimensional link, they can be tough to spot. Sure, there are big flashy portals, famous portals, permanent portals, and portals that are so well-traveled that they’re on the tour, complete with their own restrooms and gift shops. But those are never the ones you really need when you’re in the thick of it, are they? Nooooo. It’s never that convenient, is it? You need the hidden portals. The new portals that no one knows about yet. The secret portals. The portals that blink in and out of existence so randomly that you’ll find yourself in two different planes if you dawdle too long on your way through. How the heck do you find these? Well, any experienced Somnicist will tell you to use your nose...or whichever anatomical equivalent you’ve been blessed with. Yes. All portals, no matter where, when, or how famous they are, share one common trait: Portal Funk.

It’s faint. You have to know what you’re sniffing for. You’ll miss it if you’re new at this or just plain not paying attention. But it’s there, and once you’ve had a whiff of it, you’ll never mistake it for anything else. When the energy of a potenton (that’s a particle of potential reality; the Quondamarie is full of ‘em) changes form, it doesn’t give off heat like material substances do. That’s because potentons aren’t material. That is, they might be—that’s the whole point—but when their energy changes from potential to real, they’re not potentons anymore. Every portal opening has an infinitesimally thin membrane around the edge, where one plane meets the other. Within that buffer zone, where the frequencies are interfering with each other, the material particles don’t know what to do with themselves, and so, for a moment, they revert back to their pure, primal potentonic state. Matter is made of atoms, which are made of sub-atomic particles, which are made of quarks. Potentons are made of quirks. So instead of heat, when they change form and manifest into one reality or another, they slough off a quirk or two. And that’s what gives off the unmistakable aroma of Portal Funk. How your sniffer deciphers the odor of a quirk depends on who and what you are. It’s different for everyone*, but once you catch a whiff of what it is for you, you’ll recognize it anywhere. Most people say that it almost reminds them of something old and familiar, but they just can’t quite place it, since it’s mixed with something totally new. Others say that it smells like the docks in Crating during a garbage strike. (That would be new, wouldn’t it? Ha! Imagine the Garbage Fairy going on strike! As if.) Some say that this potentonic off-gassing of quirks is the reason for the Gri’xian Haze that always seems to hang in the air, even on the sunny days. They say the Portal Funk only happens around actual portals, and if the quirks float too far away, the smell dissipates and it just makes everything in the distance look a little fuzzy. They might be right. I don’t know. What am I, a meteorologist? No. I’m a street musician. A simple DownTown busker. Now, are you going to put a little something in my hat and let me get back to playing my tunes, or not? Any other requests?

*Some dubiously certified self-help gurus claim to be able to tell you an awful lot about yourself and what your problems are by analyzing how you experience the Portal Funk, but let me save you some time and expense: if you’re gullible enough to pay more than a couple of donuts’-worth for their services, then your biggest problem is that you’re a fool and you shouldn’t go hopping through hidden portals. Stick to the tour.