Intake Clerk, The Spriory

WAAYAAAGHH! UPH MUPPA SPRIORY DUPHF, HONNKA HOOOM RAUGH BIDDLE-BUM...   Wha—? Oh! Oh, I am so sorry. It says here that the next petitioner would be a word-worm who never ate anything other than the Dorfinchian phrase books in the travel section. Sharon must have transposed my appointments. My apologies!   Anyway, what I was saying was: Welcome to the Spriory! There’s a place for everyone and anyone here, as well as any gods they bring along with them. We don’t judge, we just make room.   My name is Torringon, and I’m the intake clerk today, so I’ll be helping you get started. I hope you don’t mind if I write a few things down while we chat. I just need to get a general idea of who you are and where your faith—or lack thereof—lies, since that defines the type of reality that you’ll bring to the fold. Everyone’s unique, even those who share a faith, but before we can assign Shrine Space and living quarters, we do have to consider the disposition and preferences of the adjacent occupants, you know? So...tell me a little bit about yourself.   Mmkay.   Uh-huh, oh, wow. How loud do the drums get?   Mm-hmm. I see.   Hmmm. That’s a lot of blood.   No, no, no, I’m sure we can accommodate. We have a long list of volunteers and donors, you know. It’ll be fine.   Mmkay.   All right! Next page. Now, the only real requirement we have for our residents—other than earnestly abiding by your own faith—is that you contribute to our community while you’re with us. What do you think you’d like to do here? What are your talents? Your passions?   Ah.   Mm-hmm.   An entire barrel? My goodness.   Well, no, I don’t think we have anyone doing anything like that yet, but that’s a good thing, isn’t it? With so many different residents and so many different needs, I’m sure we can put you to good use. I’ll have you talk to Brother Lormly tomorrow. He’s great at matching unusual skills with unfulfilled niches. I’m sure he’ll have some ideas.   Now, do you have any physical, mental, or spiritual disabilities we should know about?   Mm-hmm.   Okay.   Yes, I noticed.   Not to worry. As you’ll see, we have so many species here in the Order, and many of our residents wouldn’t know what to do with feet if they had them, ha ha. Stairs have their place in some spiritual aesthetics, but otherwise they just tend to get in the way, so we have plenty of ramps. And if you’re interested, the GXU Phys Ed Department offers flying lessons. You’ll get around just fine.   Okay! We’re just about done here. Finally, I have to ask, are you currently considered a “person of interest” by any authorities in any dimensions?   Whatever that means to you. You could lie, if you want to, but lies don’t last around here for long. It’s better for you if you just tell the truth as you know it. What does your soul say?   I see.   Well, let us worry about that. You’ve crossed the Quondamarie with your mind intact, and you found Beaconspire Village. The Bimp County Police Department pales in comparison to what you must have gone through to get here. Once you’re accepted into the Spriory Abbey, you’re granted full asylum across the dimensions for as long as you remain. It’s one of the fundamental laws of metaphysics. And no one’s above that law, are they? Heh, no.   No, there’s no extra paperwork for that.   In fact, we are...all done with this part. Again, welcome! We’re glad to have you. I’ll have someone set you up in one of the cottages behind the Temple, and of course you can do anything you like with your space. It’s your own little pocket dimension in there, so, you know, feel free to decorate as you please. If you’ll step back through to the waiting room...   Sharon!   Sharon, will you take our new member down to Kooney for placement? Have them find a likely spot in the Shrine Hall for their deity, too. And send in my next appointment, please. Thank you.   Ah! Here you are at last! Welcome to the...   Oh! Ha ha, I did it again! I mean...ahem...   WAAYAAAGHH! UPH MUPPA SPRIORY DUPHF, HONNKA HOOOM RAUGH BIDDLE-BUM...