05 - Budding Feelings

I've drank so much this last week, I feel like I may have drank enough sake to last me the rest of winter. Though I know I'll be drinking again before long, and the hangover will be a daily occurrence at this rate. It's incredible to think that I had only been drinking for a year, a fact that may shock Hana-chan and everyone else I've become acquainted with at this Winter Court.
 
I went and saw the Mantis crews who commissioned the jade pendant. Seems it was the idea of Captain Miwa, which makes the pendant a legitimate gift. I'm still speechless and unsure that I'm worthy of such a gift, but I've decided to wear it with pride, knowing that people of my clan are proud of me. I admit I dislike Miwa-san using my budding reputation to hide her... less than legal activities, and I wonder if Yorimoto-san would feel the same if he knew his growing reputation was used in this way. But, I suppose it's to be expected. It's what the Mantis is known for, and there's nothing I alone can do to change that.
 
It was nice chatting with my clansmen, though. It felt like it had been ages since I've had a decent conversation. But the man I spoke with, who was around Papa's age, informed me of some rumours that are going around. They wondered about Nayoko and I, what our relationship is. Someone saw Nayoko leaving my quarters the morning she was cleared of all charges, and I guess it was understood that Nayoko spent the night with me. We're just friends, but speaking to him on it, I... don't know if that's all it is anymore. I enjoy Nayoko's company in a different way than I enjoy Hana-chan's, and certainly more than I've enjoyed the company of any man. I'm unsure; whatever attractions I've felt in the past. I couldn't let myself, knowing that those attractions could be used against me and Kiyoko-sama because I'm young and inexperienced in such things. I've always ignored it. But now. Have I let my guard down? I don't know what it is I'm really feeling, and it's confusing, at best.
 
It started becoming clearer that I'm feeling something for Nayoko during the little gathering Hana-chan had. We gathered for drinks with Akihiro-san and Amayaiko-san. Hana-chan wanted to discuss some business, but I admit I forget what it was. My mind was preoccupied by the drink and the company I was keeping. Though I do remember Nayoko's concern over what we saw in the temple during the Trial of Spirit. She mentioned, too, how she was receiving offers of adoption and marriage. Which is where her concerns stemmed first, I believe. Her past affecting her future. She was worried we would no longer accept her because of her part in Kagami's death. I remember telling a story about Jiji, and how I still loved him despite knowing there were dark things in his past, and that I could accept her as well. I do accept her, I always did. It's odd, isn't it? It hasn't even been two weeks since our first meeting, when she helped me chase off those who attacked the Imperial Princess, and then imprisoned because she was ronin. I knew from the equipment she carried that she was not the usual sort of ronin, either. Yet there I was, conceiving her to stay when she was hasty to leave. Her hand felt so warm.
 
I asked her to stay. I... told her I wanted her by my side. What was that feeling at the time? A fluttering in the pit of my belly, like fear or anxiety. It was not like when I was approached by Captain Komei. Captain Komei of the Kamotoi offered to teach me, but in exchange, I was to deliver a sealed message to Kiyoko-sama. I was warned that Kiyoko-sama may be displeased with the contents of the message, but it was too good of an opportunity. I was willing to take that risk. It could result in my dismissal, but I don't know when the next time I could be offered a chance to study under a Storm Fleet master. I'm still anxious over what may happen with Kiyoko-sama, but... it's less than the anxiety I felt that evening.
 
And less than the anxiety I feel now. Nayoko seems to be avoiding me, and I don't know what I've done to cause it. I went to see Hana-chan after learning about her duel. The duel effectively exiled her from the Unicorn, so I thought I would go see if she needed someone to talk to. Hana-chan requested help collecting her belongings from her old room, and Nayoko was there when I returned. She didn't even look at me. Perhaps she has heard of the rumours and dislikes them? Is she putting distance between us because of that? Nayoko is the first friend I've made in a while, it would hurt to lose her and not know why. It already hurts.
 
Hana-chan and I did have a good talk and strong drinks after that. It's embarrassing that the sake made me more acutely aware of my feelings for Nayoko. Hana-chan said some encouraging things, but I'm still unsure, however frustrating and infuriating that is. I suppose I should just wait and see. Maybe these feelings are just a fleeting fancy. But if they're not and Nayoko continues to ignore me, I... don't know if I'll be able to handle that.