12.Nightmares

Dear diary,
 
I had the worst night ever. After Eve and I got back to the ship, I went to sleep after writing a few pages in my diary, :P, but I couldn't sleep for all I tried. I had the worst of nightmares. In this dream I went and asked Eve if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She said yes, but when we got out of the room and on the deck, hands holding, everybody looked at me with a judging face and started saying a lot of mean stuff like: "you ruined their relationship for your interest", "you are nothing more than a fool", "she tricked you to see your true colors", "you are worth nothing", "you despise Talion" and many more... They started laughing at me, throwing stuff at me, pushing me around like some kind of ball. I felt horrible. Then suddenly I was alone on the ship. Nothing nowhere. Nobody to scold me, nobody to listen to me. I started getting mad at myself, at my friends, at everybody. Like what was I supposed to do? Why is everything I do wrong? Why is all of a sudden being nice to someone you enjoy spending time with wrong? It's not like I wanted to get dragged into this. Is it so wrong to like somebody? Just as I was going to feel good and accept that I am not unlikeable this hits me. I am mad, angry, sad. Like what was I supposed to do, sit there and watch? I just tried to be a good person like I always do. I saw Eve was happy. Maybe I let myself loose to much. Is it that bad? Am I the reason Eve is sad and Talion cannot do the right thing? Am I worsening everything?
 
I cannot believe they would say that to me. I thought we were friends, I thought they cared for me. Was everybody talking behind my back this whole entire time? I hate them.
 
No I don't. I shouldn't. This is just a bad dream, a nightmare. It's not true. But... I never have thought about these things. I am a horrible person. I never put myself in their shoes. I just sat there being all dandy and ruining everything for them. We are going into the Western Desolation and I am thinking about how I'd want to be with Eve, I never bothered to help them repair their relationship. What if something happens to us, and we have to stay together and make important decisions. We mustn't hesitate, and this will only bring hesitation.
 
But Eve likes me, right? I mean she stays with me because she enjoys my company, right? They do like me. They must be, they wouldn't have said such kind and nice stuff. I need help. Eve needs help. Talion needs help. We all need help. Maybe I should talk with Talion and Eve. Why did I have this dream? Does it mean something? Are these my frustrations, or just the curse of the land trying to grapple me?
 
I feel exhausted, I don't want to wake up. I just want everybody to be happy. I don't need to be happy now. My happiness only comes second to those I care for. What should I do, dear diary, what? You never have answers for me, only questions. Why am I even writing this anymore?
*rips page and throws it away*
Looks like I can really be an asshole when I am angry and emotional. I'd even throw myself away from anger. I am sorry, dear diary. I really am. My thoughts, were... clouded and poisoned. I just never felt this way before, and I guess I can't believe it. I like Verfy and Nixie. I don't despise Talion, I respect him greatly. I would never hate Heron. And Eve... Eve is very important to me, and I failed her. I failed them all. I won't let things end this way. I will do something. It's either that or we will walk ourselves to our doom.
 
I don't think I can attach this page back to you, dear diary. But I will keep it, as a reminder that I must still fight. Doing nothing is what I despise most. I'll keep you under my pillow.
 
Dear diary, I will try and make things right... No. I will make things right. It is time I grow up maybe. Children aren't allowed around adult's stuff for a reason. I can't behave like a child when the stakes are this high. I will write a song in memory of this dream, this nightmare. I'll call it... a child's despair. Fitting I say.
 
May the Almighty guide us towards salvation.