"Checkmate, Nihilism"
Nel came to the river straight from beneath Kelesta's temple, hanging her cloak up on a tree and wading into the cold, muddy water, much deeper and faster now than it had been this time last year. There was little light from the waning crescent moon peeking through the rainclouds, but it was enough to see with the dark vision from her rune magic. She came out to a fresh patch of cattails that hadn't been harvested yet and thanked the plants and the river, then began to pull out the slender stalks, careful as always to not take so many that they could not recover.
As she moved in the water, she prayed to Fodla, aware that she could not hear her, but needing to talk all the same.
"Lady of the Hearth, it was so good being in your home again tonight. It felt like you. And of all the gods, you were the one I loved most of all. I know I risked my life to worship Eosphorus in Ruskovich and he rescued me from Akmon. Eowyn and Kallias were dear to me too. And Steyfano chose me. I will always love all of them. But you were the first goddess I learned about from my family and the closest to the hearts of my kin and my own. It was you who saw me when I was struggling to feed the kids at the Warrens School. You provided, asking nothing in return. You gave me a new name first.
And tonight I brought Morwen's darkness into your home -- the last place it could ever belong. I thought I was going there to help, but the only thing I succeeding in doing was making everyone around me more confused and clumsy with this aura. They are all trying so hard to pretend that how I am now doesn't bother them, doesn't frighten them. And I love them for it. But I can feel the wrongness surrounding me. I want to apologize for bringing anything of Morwen's into that good and holy place. I know the only way I could have avoided it was by not going, and I know that we are all needed, so I don't know what I could have done different, except not getting myself cursed to begin with. But all the same, I am sorry."
Her body felt tired and heavy tonight and despair tugged at her more urgently than the current. But with each movement she brought up another cattail -- another root to make flour from, another stalk to be stew, more leaves to be salad, and soft yellow pollen full of nutrients to add to soups and pancakes. This was how she fought back against the darkness surrounding her tonight. She hoped that Bella could not sense how little hope she had felt when they talked about the future. She wanted desperately to give her friend something she herself had been having trouble holding onto. But she was afraid her words were hollow. This, however, would not be.
She could not enter Fodla's realm without bringing Morwen's evil and malice with her. That broke her heart. But she could love Fodla best by feeding her people -- and every hungry person was one of her people. She did not know whether they could win in the end. But tonight she could gather cattails.
Once she had gathered so many cattails that even someone her size would struggle to carry them from sheer size, she wrapped her cloak around the cattails and brought them to the Temple of Fodla. She left them and a sum of money she could not have imagined ever seeing even a year ago--, let alone having --with the cleric at the door.
Tomorrow hungry people would have food. And the temple could use the gold buy more to feed even more. She caught her reflection in a puddle beneath a street light on the way home and for the first time since the curse did not look away. She smiled down into it and flipped off the darkness she saw in it.
"Fuck you, Morwen. I can't get rid of this curse. And you may win in the end. It seems likely, even. But fuck you for taking Fodla out of the world. And fuck you for trying to break me with this. I hate it. I hate being reminded of you every time I see my reflection or see the fear in people's eyes when they look at me. But I see people --really see them -- in a way you can't. I see goodness and love and something worth protecting. So if you want me too broken to fight you until my dying breath, you're gonna have to do it yourself. I won't help you. Whatever else happens, there are people who will eat tomorrow because of what I did tonight -- and not even you can take that away from me."
Nel's Journal Ordered oldest to newest
-
Warmth
25 Jan 2023 06:40:04
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Spark
28 Jan 2023 07:45:46
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Broken
01 Feb 2023 05:45:25
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Magic berries and numbered days
02 Apr 2023 03:23:18
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Something Borrowed
09 Apr 2023 04:13:35
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Ghosts
23 Apr 2023 06:01:46
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A Small Revolution
27 Apr 2023 06:10:46
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Moving Day
13 May 2023 07:34:00
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Safe
19 May 2023 01:26:05
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Candlelight
12 Jun 2023 03:33:42
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A life that is mine
12 Jul 2023 02:22:20
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Things Taken
07 Sep 2023 06:05:00
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Left a mark
10 Dec 2023 07:04:14
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Tiny Revolutions
18 Jan 2024 07:53:11
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Least bad choice
19 Feb 2024 05:19:27
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Best of all possible worlds
01 Mar 2024 11:31:23
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Wasteland, Baby
29 Apr 2024 10:19:05
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A hope reversed
19 May 2024 04:39:01
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I am Overcome
16 Jun 2024 07:57:43
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Outclassed
15 Sep 2024 07:20:18
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Thanatos
04 Oct 2024 05:47:50
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Long Lost
29 Oct 2024 05:40:21
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The Ring
14 Apr 2025 07:08:14
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Darkness
07 Jul 2025 05:00:10
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"Checkmate, Nihilism"
21 Jul 2025 05:20:10
25 Jan 2023 06:40:04
28 Jan 2023 07:45:46
01 Feb 2023 05:45:25
02 Apr 2023 03:23:18
09 Apr 2023 04:13:35
23 Apr 2023 06:01:46
27 Apr 2023 06:10:46
13 May 2023 07:34:00
19 May 2023 01:26:05
12 Jun 2023 03:33:42
12 Jul 2023 02:22:20
07 Sep 2023 06:05:00
10 Dec 2023 07:04:14
18 Jan 2024 07:53:11
19 Feb 2024 05:19:27
01 Mar 2024 11:31:23
29 Apr 2024 10:19:05
19 May 2024 04:39:01
16 Jun 2024 07:57:43
15 Sep 2024 07:20:18
04 Oct 2024 05:47:50
29 Oct 2024 05:40:21
14 Apr 2025 07:08:14
07 Jul 2025 05:00:10
21 Jul 2025 05:20:10
The major events and journals in Nel's history, from the beginning to today.
"Checkmate, Nihilism"
Nel came to the river straight from beneath Kelesta's temple, hanging her cloak up on a tree and wading into the cold, muddy water, much deeper and faster now than it had been this time last year. There was little light from the waning crescent moon peek...
06:01 am - 21.07.2025Darkness
Around 3 AM Nel hobbled out to the garden as quietly as she could with her still-healing leg and her cane supporting her weight on the hall floors. She tried hard to not wake anyone. She had put them through enough. Sitting down on a garden bench, sh...
05:31 am - 07.07.2025The Ring
Nel had never felt fully at ease in the small shrine to Steyfano beside the Blind Beholder. Before accepting a shard of the god's soul, she had only come one to pray to him there. But these days and nights found her there several times a week. It was...
09:23 pm - 14.04.2025The Journal Entry’s title
Nel had never felt fully at ease in the small shrine to Steyfano beside the Blind Beholder. Before accepting a shard of the god's soul, she had only come one to pray to him there. But these days and nights found her there several times a week. It was...
09:22 pm - 14.04.2025Long Lost
Nel sat in Aaboli’s home, surrounded by the elders of her people. She had dreamed of having her extended family, her people, back for 30 years. And now that she had them, she found her heart predictably full, but also surprisingly lonely. Most of...
05:42 am - 29.10.2024Thanatos
.Nel opened her eyes from the now-familiar blackness of death and saw a dark sky, lit by an enormous, dim, red star that gave the ever-rising smoke and haze a faint red glow. She hadn’t felt cold since becoming undead, but the rubble she was lying on...
06:07 am - 04.10.2024Outclassed
Professor Sir Sedgwick Ivers paced around the room, lecturing passionately about the importance and complexity of taxes. He climbed the stairs to the lectern, standing on the raised platform that put him a sold three feet taller than he stood on the floo...
07:24 am - 15.09.2024I am Overcome
CW: prejudice, bad thing happening to children, abuse, slavery Soundtrack: "I am Overcome" by Live Nel had never thought she would ever see another ursan from her homeland ever again until one of them threw a femur through a portal into her kitche...
08:09 am - 16.06.2024I am Overcome
CW: prejudice, bad thing happening to children, abuse, slavery Soundtrack: "I am Overcome" by Live Nel had never thought she would ever see another ursan from her homeland ever again until one of them threw a femur through a portal into her kitche...
08:04 am - 16.06.2024A hope reversed
Content Warnings: grief, abuse, bad things happening to children. (Soundtrack in my head d as I write this one: "Fix You" by Coldplay) After the fire...after the factory went up in flames and too many machines blocked too many doors...after a...
06:15 am - 19.05.2024A hope reversed
Content Warnings: grief, abuse, bad things happening to children. (Soundtrack in my head d as I write this one: "Fix You" by Coldplay) After the fire...after the factory went up in flames and too many machines blocked too many doors...after a...
06:10 am - 19.05.2024A hope reversed
Content Warnings: grief, abuse, bad things happening to children. (Soundtrack in my head d as I write this one: "Fix You" by Coldplay) After the fire...after the factory went up in flames and too many machines blocked too many doors...after a...
06:07 am - 19.05.2024A hope reversed
Content Warnings: grief, abuse, bad things happening to children. (Soundtrack in my head d as I write this one: "Fix You" by Coldplay) After the fire...after the factory went up in flames and too many machines blocked too many doors...after a...
06:03 am - 19.05.2024Wasteland, Baby
It was supposed to be fun. An exciting tournament, no death on the line, in a new, beautiful place. Nel had strategized about how to stay in the shady part of the arena for the fight so that she could still see. Her opponent was a good sort. Then th...
10:37 pm - 29.04.2024Magic Berries and Numbered Days Saturday night Nel hurries to the Wayward Traveller after her deliveries, potion and magical berries in her pockets. She supplements the healer, giving the fighters berries to help them after each fight. She does her best to stay out of Marlene's way, but polar bears stand out in crowd. Marlene doesn't look happy that she's healed already. "Magic berries, huh? Cute. Let's see if you learned your lesson or I need to repeat it. You're subbing in the next fight." Nel knows better than to argue, setting her coat with its pockets full of berries and potions in the fighters' back room and comes back in time to step in to the ring. She is still stiff and sore, tired of hurting and being hurt, but she takes a breath, focusing on paying the rent and feeding the kids as she shakes her opponent's hand and squares off. She fights hard, in the moment, but each blow she gives and takes connecting to something else. Her left hook is a reminder of the money she's saving to help Gertrud apply to the Artificer's Guild. She takes an uppercut to the jaw but doesn't let it knock her down, remembering protecting Khemma when they were young in Ruskovich, how she couldn't fold, had to outlast the bullies. She lets lose a flurry of blows, imagining her opponent as Marlene and knowing she has to stay alive if she wants to get free. Her final blow is another punch with her left hand as she imagines wielding the Left Blade of Eosphorus against the Syndicate. The bugbear she's fighting goes down. She's breathing hard and heavy, not noticing the blood running down her face, except to wipe it out of her eyes. She catches Marlene's smile -- smug and triumphant-- and looks a away, running back to the bugbear and hand them several berries once the healer restores them to consciousness. Marlene comes over pats her cheek lightly, a gesture that would almost be affectionate if it weren't dripping with condescension. "Knew you just needed a little motivation. You've never been smart enough to chase the carrot, but the stick always works." Nel nods and looks down, a picture of submissiveness, but there is a fire growing inside of her and her left hand twitches, as if aching for a blade to strike a blow for Eosphorus. She promises herself that these days are numbered, and feels strength instead of shame.
03:22 am - 02.04.2023Broken
Wake up. Eat a too small meal of moldy bread or porridge. Break rocks until bones ached, muscles ripped, hands bled, hunger gnawed and thirst burned. Endure. Keep working. Keep an eye on the more sadistic prison guards and fellow prisoners. Protect ...
05:44 pm - 01.02.2023Spark
In the Warrens there is a small shop that sells produce that is close to turning. It's a ramshackle building that never smells quite fresh, but it's been cheerfully painted in brightly colored images of fruits and vegetables. The owner buys the items ch...
07:45 am - 28.01.2023Warmth
Nel came home Tuesday night with the food from the next day from the market. She did her best to take as little from the Syndicate for the school as possible, give them as little reason to interfere as possible. She knew they didn't need a reason, not r...
06:26 am - 25.01.2023The list of amazing people following the adventures of Nel.
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