"Checkmate, Nihilism"

Nel came to the river straight from beneath Kelesta's temple, hanging her cloak up on a tree and wading into the cold, muddy water, much deeper and faster now than it had been this time last year. There was little light from the waning crescent moon peeking through the rainclouds, but it was enough to see with the dark vision from her rune magic. She came out to a fresh patch of cattails that hadn't been harvested yet and thanked the plants and the river, then began to pull out the slender stalks, careful as always to not take so many that they could not recover.
 
As she moved in the water, she prayed to Fodla, aware that she could not hear her, but needing to talk all the same.
 
"Lady of the Hearth, it was so good being in your home again tonight. It felt like you. And of all the gods, you were the one I loved most of all. I know I risked my life to worship Eosphorus in Ruskovich and he rescued me from Akmon. Eowyn and Kallias were dear to me too. And Steyfano chose me. I will always love all of them. But you were the first goddess I learned about from my family and the closest to the hearts of my kin and my own. It was you who saw me when I was struggling to feed the kids at the Warrens School. You provided, asking nothing in return. You gave me a new name first.
 
And tonight I brought Morwen's darkness into your home -- the last place it could ever belong. I thought I was going there to help, but the only thing I succeeding in doing was making everyone around me more confused and clumsy with this aura. They are all trying so hard to pretend that how I am now doesn't bother them, doesn't frighten them. And I love them for it. But I can feel the wrongness surrounding me. I want to apologize for bringing anything of Morwen's into that good and holy place. I know the only way I could have avoided it was by not going, and I know that we are all needed, so I don't know what I could have done different, except not getting myself cursed to begin with. But all the same, I am sorry."
 
Her body felt tired and heavy tonight and despair tugged at her more urgently than the current. But with each movement she brought up another cattail -- another root to make flour from, another stalk to be stew, more leaves to be salad, and soft yellow pollen full of nutrients to add to soups and pancakes. This was how she fought back against the darkness surrounding her tonight. She hoped that Bella could not sense how little hope she had felt when they talked about the future. She wanted desperately to give her friend something she herself had been having trouble holding onto. But she was afraid her words were hollow. This, however, would not be.
 
She could not enter Fodla's realm without bringing Morwen's evil and malice with her. That broke her heart. But she could love Fodla best by feeding her people -- and every hungry person was one of her people. She did not know whether they could win in the end. But tonight she could gather cattails.
 
Once she had gathered so many cattails that even someone her size would struggle to carry them from sheer size, she wrapped her cloak around the cattails and brought them to the Temple of Fodla. She left them and a sum of money she could not have imagined ever seeing even a year ago--, let alone having --with the cleric at the door.
 
Tomorrow hungry people would have food. And the temple could use the gold buy more to feed even more. She caught her reflection in a puddle beneath a street light on the way home and for the first time since the curse did not look away. She smiled down into it and flipped off the darkness she saw in it.
 
"Fuck you, Morwen. I can't get rid of this curse. And you may win in the end. It seems likely, even. But fuck you for taking Fodla out of the world. And fuck you for trying to break me with this. I hate it. I hate being reminded of you every time I see my reflection or see the fear in people's eyes when they look at me. But I see people --really see them -- in a way you can't. I see goodness and love and something worth protecting. So if you want me too broken to fight you until my dying breath, you're gonna have to do it yourself. I won't help you. Whatever else happens, there are people who will eat tomorrow because of what I did tonight -- and not even you can take that away from me."