Ipseathymia

One of the downsides of enhanced consciousness is the increased susceptibility to a number of complicated disorders.   Ipseathymia, or more colloquially, “The Wallows,” is a spiritual disease caused by the Dramatis woeismiea virus, a metaphysical pathogen that infects the ego. Like the common cold, the Dramatis virus is widespread and quite contagious. It can infect almost any being of even rudimentary self-awareness. Protagonists of every species are especially vulnerable, though, as the higher the complexity of the Ego, the more fragile it can become, without proper maintenance.   D. woeismiea is rampant within the pseudo-dimensions known as despair pockets. Though more research is needed, tentative studies suggest that the noxious planar miasma generated by the virus may even be responsible for creating these spiritual bogs. This could indicate a sophisticated step in the virus’ evolution at some point: if they do this intentionally, it’s an effective method of acquiring host minds capable of propagating the disease across the planes.   Should this be the case, it raises questions about whether the virus itself is conscious, and introduces an uncomfortable moral dilemma to the efforts underway to eradicate it. Luckily for this reporter, that topic is beyond the scope of this article.

CAUSES

  Ipseathymia is usually contracted by direct contact with an infected surface or dubious food (see below), though given enough exposure time during a social interaction, the pathogen can become aetherborne and infect other minds. A victim’s housemates, close friends, therapists and others who are obligated to listen to them talk about their troubles for extended periods should take extra precautions.   Larger egos provide more surface area for contact exposure and extra volume in which D. woeismiea can thrive, while the self-directed, nutrient-rich currents within such an environment allow it to ride the internal energy waves straight to a person’s essential center.

TREATMENTS

 

“I’ll tell you what your problem is. You ain’t got a problem. The only thing you got is a case of the Wallows. And if you don’t snap out of it, it’ll turn chronic. So I’m gonna tell you a few things, and it’s gonna hurt, but it’s for your own good. Buckle up.”
— Dr. Parmicia Slamp, GXU Student Services Special Counselor

  The key to treating ipseathymia is to get the victim’s mind off itself.   In an otherwise healthy ego, a bout of ipseathymia usually runs its course over a few hours to a few days. The virus dissolves naturally when the victim becomes distracted by something interesting in the external world or receives a random infusion of the antidotal energy via a positive interaction with other beings.   After a few exposures, though, ipseathymia can become chronic, as part of the Dramatis virus’ attack methods is that it conditions the spiritual immune system to accept it as a natural extension of the self, leaving the victim’s essence as an easy target for new infections.   In more stubborn cases, the victim occasionally responds well to a strongly-worded reality check.

SOCIAL EFFECTS AND TRADITIONS

    Strangely enough, it has long been fashionable in certain social circles to partake of food and drink which has been not just exposed to, but seasoned with a quantity of the D. woesimiea virus. Some people actually host dinners or fancy brunches for this purpose, and will hire specialized chefs who’ve spent years in hermetically sealed kitchens creating their own secret recipes. The virus is said to add an exquisitely delicious flavor, and if prepared properly, the food will induce a sense of euphoric hubris during consumption.   These occasions aren’t mere dinner parties, though. Such rituals are meant as competitions or tests, in which each participant pits their spiritual immune system against possible infection. Those who finish the meal with their ego intact stand to gain a higher position in the group hierarchy, while anyone who thereafter succumbs to ipseathymia is looked upon as a spiritual weakling, and may be subjected to ridicule, nasty rumors, or even complete exile.   Outside of these social circles, it’s widely assumed that anyone who would voluntarily expose themselves to ipseathymia is probably riddled with the D. woeismeia virus already, and should seek help from a competent therapist at once before their ego explodes and spreads it around to everyone else.