Ritchlik the Vile
Peaceday 5th of Primus, 6017, in the Era Secundus
Look, I have made my own article!
Sorcerer King Ritchlik Vekodan (a.k.a. The Vile)
I am the greatest villain of them all, and that's all you need to know, really. No, actually, that's all you need to know. Nothing else to say. Nuh-uh. Not happening, buster. You think I am going to spill my awesome backstory here? What do you think I am, some dumb bitch like you? I am Ritch-motherfucking-lik! I INVENTED LICHDOM!
On a serious note, please, do all you can to prepare yourselves. Heracles may crumble under your might on your first encounter, but he expects that. Also, and this goes out to you behind your character: Write down anything about Heracles that you can. You can remember him perfectly fine, but your character won't be able to retain that information if you don't retain it.
I wish I could write more, but I think the guards are coming back from their patrols. Good luck, you'll need it.
Physical Description
General Physical Condition
Peak. Absolutely peak.
Body Features
A fat cock? I dunno, not much else.
Facial Features
Beautiful bone!
Identifying Characteristics
My wonderful hair!
Physical quirks
Fat cock, again.
Special abilities
The list would be way too long, just like my penis.
Apparel & Accessories
Absolutely fabulous robes. Real Gucci shit, you understand? I mean, probably not, but what did I expect?
Specialized Equipment
My dick. Jokes aside, my staff is actually pretty cool. Has this vampire guy on the tip.
Mental characteristics
Personal history
That's pretty personal.
Gender Identity
If gender is what in my pants, that is too bad, because I don't wear those.
Sexuality
I am so straight, I heard "dying is gay" and decided to invent being a Lich.
Education
Better than yours, and it was long before your time.
Employment
Self-employed. I have a start-up. I call it the Bone Legion.
Accomplishments & Achievements
Let me give you a short list:
- Killing my dad for the throne
- Becoming the first wizard of the Material Plane
- Inventing Lichdom
- Rejecting mortality
- Doing your mom's great-grandma
- Doing your mom's mom
- Doing your mom
- Inventing ice cream
- Giving Steve Jobs Ligma
- Inventing short-form internet content to tank your attention spans
- Making you re-read that last one
- Breaking the 4th wall
- Telling the Secretary of Death to fuck off
- Getting away with it
- Making a vampire into my gf
- My peanits
Failures & Embarrassments
None, bro. I am literally perfect.
Occimanuri on the other hand... Yeah, not my greatest idea to make him what he is, in retrospect. Pretty dumb mistake to make when I can literally see the future.
Also, I hate how all my attempts at conquering anything have failed so miserably. Really makes you think.
Mental Trauma
Bruh, what is this, the therapist? Nah, not doing this shit.
Intellectual Characteristics
I am supreme.
Morality & Philosophy
You think I give a shit about morality? I'd eat babies, if that is what it takes to piss you off.
In terms of philosophy... My personal life philosophy is that you should end yours!
Taboos
You think I got the Nickname "The Vile" for nothing?
Personality Characteristics
Motivation
I don't know anymore, man.
Savvies & Ineptitudes
I am NOT inept!
Likes & Dislikes
I like Piña Coladas, getting caught in the rain...
I hate yoga. Definitely don't like that.
Virtues & Personality perks
I am powerful. I got lotion on my dick, I'm over here stroking my shit.
Vices & Personality flaws
I guess I like women. That's bad enough for this section. I don't have that many flaws, as you may have noticed.
Personality Quirks
i aM So qUiRkY, yOu wOuLdN'T BeLiEvE, bRo!
Hygiene
Immaculate.
Representation & Legacy
Legacy? I AM NOT DEAD, BRO!?
Social
Reign
My reign was awesome. Could have lasted a couple more centuries, if it wasn't for the fucking Legions.
Contacts & Relations
Check the Relations section, dipshit.
Family Ties
None, because my family was cringe, is cringe, and will always be cringe.
Religious Views
Fuck the Gods, man. They won't let me, the best Wizard of all time, into their fancy club, but some fucker crashing after trying to fly into the sun? "Oh yeah, that is worthy of divine status". Fuck. Gods. I could fly into the sun too, you know? You think anybody would care if I did that? No is the answer, and so it should have been with that motherfucker Ikarus.
Social Aptitude
Absolutely divine. I am the life of the party, whenever and whereever I go.
Mannerisms
I like to touch my conversation partner, be it by pinching, laying my arm on their shoulder, or otherwise invading their comfort zone. It makes them insecure, which is just how I like them.
Hobbies & Pets
I used to have Goober. Unfortunately, he got smashed by some fatass and his buddy.
My hobbies include long walks on the beach, reading a good book, and doing your mother.
Speech
Perfect.
Relationships
Wealth & Financial state
I can make gold with the snap of a finger. You think "wealthy" cuts it?
Look, it is me! Is that not fun!
Anyways, I should probably add stuff here! Like my family tree and shit!
I am Ritchlik the Vile, Sorcerer King of Lorelia, Conqueror of Undeath, The Chosen Son of Relok, Master of the Bone Legion, Breaker of Malkov, Resurrector of Occimanuri, Sugar Daddy of Erika, World's Greatest Technician, Plaguemaker General, Liberator of the Plains of Marshon, Scourge of the Five Tribes of Irelia, Ruler of the Tower of Dreams, Minecraft Professional, Supreme Diviner, Necromantic God-King, and many, many more such titles.
Do you kiss your father with that mouth? No wonder his teeth are gone, that language is fouler than a five-week old corpse!
All of them. Yes, that includes Wolfspeak, Kolin. Yes, I am watching you, fucker! I know what you're doing, and I am loving it! Keep doing what you do best (being the competent person of the campaign scratch that, he's not involved now, and I am very sad about that).
That's all, it seems.
