Twisted Sinews

Garret called on me this evening. He sounded so exhausted and stressed, I don't think I've ever heard him that pushed to his limit. I know Oxomoco would rather I leave him to stew in his own soup, but I couldn't just leave him out there alone in Kugane in such a state of distress, so I went to check on him. Sure enough, he was at his wit's end with everything he's had to deal with the past sennight. Between difficult clients and Yumari's shenanigans, I can understand why he's in such a state. All these people he's been dealing with are headache inducing. He changed his hair. It looks good on him. A lot about him has changed, his attitudes, the effort he expends, the way he reacts to my presence when I'm around him. It's all different. A totally different man from the one I met so many moons ago. There's a part of me that's saddened by the fact that it took all this to get him to realize that his life needed a drastic change. But part of me is very happy for him, because in spite of the hurts he's caused me, he still deserves to live his truest, best life.

Twisted Sinews

It’s been some time since I’ve written. Much has changed and much has stayed the same. Most of the friends I’ve made in the Quicksand have vanished or otherwise made themselves scarce, but the ones that remained reinforced why I find it so hard to t...

08:16 am - 13.10.2025

It was a fairly busy sennight recently, but that’s not all that uncommon for me. I went with Kosuke Kiritsugi and Zerey to investigate the Watchtower that stands on the north side of the cenote in Nightcross. Zerey wanted to see if the building was still salvageable, something about improving the state of security for the village. While I don’t disagree with him, I still feel our priority should be for the Storehouse, because if all their food and building supplies get ruined by the environment or stolen by raiding beasts, then there won’t be a village to need that protection and security. Still, it’s good to see Zerey taking initiative to do something; he’s seemed very listless of late when I’ve seen him. There’s a reason that I travel armed and armored most days, because any time I get involved in something it almost always goes sideways. What starts as the most innocuous gathering turns into a fight-for-your-life battle with one thing or another. This situation proved no different, although it was less fighting for my own life and more working to save Zerey’s. When we got to the Watchtower, the outside of it seemed a bit dilapidated but there seemed to be some good bones underneath. Kosuke and I decided to investigate, see if the foundation and the support structure were still sound. If those were in fairly good condition, then it would just be a matter of replacing the wall and floorboards. We went in the front door and Zerey decided he’d climb the ladders to the upper levels to make his own assessment. The interior was about what I expected. A tiny bit overgrown from those plants and vines that managed to eke their way between the floorboards and the wall boards. Rodentia and other creatures of the jungle had made nesting grounds in the shelter of the interior. I found a crate of supplies, given that this tower used to be used to barracks the local militia. It told a silent story of how urgent their egress from this place was, given that an entire crate of tools, uniforms, and bedding were just left to molder. I’m surprised the tower isn’t more damaged, given what Zoraal Ja’s troops did to Tuliyollal, but we’ll take our small miracles where we can find them. As we were conducting our interior inspection, though, I’m not sure what Zerey did above us. All we heard was a resounding CRASH! So, I threw a shield around Kosuke using the runes inscribed on my greataxe, thanks to Garret Hjorth, then we both got out of there. We look up to check on Zerey only to find him trapped on the fifth level of the Watchtower, because he’d somehow managed to knock down every single one of the climbing ladders. Granted, they weren’t in that great of condition when he started, they creaked and groaned even under his slight weight, but Vidraal’s Fangs, I’m glad he wasn’t on the ladders when it happened. Using a rope and grappling hook I found in the supply crate that wasn’t too rodent-eaten or worn, I threw it up to let Zerey slide down it using his belt. What happened after that — well, only the three of us will ever know. A few days later, while hanging out with Oxomoco Canek, we also encountered Briar Balboa and Zerey again. Briar is apparently having some kind of trouble among her tribe, which is an interesting thing considering she’s not one to mention them often. She plays things close to the vest, that one, not that I blame her. Even my own social circle is small, because I don’t believe in bringing complete strangers into my business. Any time I’ve attempted it, it’s always left sour grapes in my mouth. Some people just can’t be trusted. Zerey also spoke of finding a new path for himself, so I suggested he look into the Vipers of Tural and the Wings of Protection in Tuliyollal. Not only would that give him a new fighting style to learn, but it would give him a way to help others and train himself up, given that the Wings are taking in adventurers of all sorts to hunt down troublesome beasts and monsters that have cropped up in Tural since all the upheaval. Still, it would suit him and his samurai fighting style well, provided he can learn to use two blades instead of one.

I never know what the Quicksand will suck into my orbit on any given night. Tonight, it was the apprentice of a former arena master that I only ever knew as Waldric, the Training Master at the Iron Arena spoke of the man often. He was a skilled unarmed fighter who only ever took one apprentice, this man, this Lewenhart Steele. Waldric was described as a man of determination, toughness, a reputation that preceded him both in and out of the ring. Meeting his apprentice, this man is ... not that. He couldn't even so much as look me in the eye, so submissive and docile was he. He spoke of putting his fighting days behind him to become a goldsmith. Not that I take any issue with someone finding a profession better suited to them, but I don't think his heart was in fighting to begin with. As he said, it was merely for survival. Courage does not live in the unwilling heart, or so the saying goes. Do I believe Lewenhart is a coward? No, but fighting, both in the arena and upon the battlefield, takes a certain level of courage that I'm not sure this man has. A cornered rat can fight for survival, a fox caught in a trap will fight for survival; when we're sad and desperate and feel we have no other option, we'll fight for survival. His heart doesn't long for combat, doesn't thrive in it. But so much change in so short a time, between the death of his mentor, the receiving of that mentor's estate, and this decision to become a goldsmith has paralyzed and overwhelmed him. The only advice I could give him was to take things one day at a time. To focus on one task, one thing: Making a farewell gift for old Waldric, something the man would be proud to have or to wear. A gift that Lewenhart could leave wherever his master was laid to rest. He seemed pleased with that thought. During our conversation, he mentioned that I must have many followers because I seem so self-assured and strong in my purpose, that I seemed like a leader that people would follow. I told him that if I didn't lead, then I'd end up going nowhere. My life has moved in the ways it has, because I willed it so. No one was going to do it for me. I had a family to provide for, a search for my sisters to fund, and a world I wanted to see. If I wasn't going to lead myself to the things I wanted, then who would? He hung his head and wouldn't hardly look at me, saying that I was awe-inspiring for my conviction. It made me wonder just how rare a trait these were: conviction of purpose, surety of self, confidence in ability, that a man should find them things to admire. Oxomoco would likely call him a chucklehyuk.

Last night we helped [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] take the first step toward recovering her lost past. While I can't say that it was altogether a happy ending, I at least feel like we made some kind of progress. I have a concern for her now, knowing that this [i]Noose's Shadow[/i] vigilante group exists and that they have some kind of long-standing vendetta against her. They've tried not once, not twice, but three times now to end her life, but each time they failed. It makes me curious as to just what Ex did in her previous life as a pirate to demand such hatred and infamy. It also makes me wonder just /what/ Ex is that she's able to survive so many recurrent deaths. I've offered myself up to the [i]Noose[/i] in trade for Ex's freedom from their scrutiny. One fight to decide her fate with them. They send me a Champion of their choosing and if I win, Ex goes free. If I lose, then they can have her. I don't intend to lose. We'll see if they rise to the bait. I offered them a sum of gil besides, but some hatreds even money can't pay off. [b]Garret Hjorth[/b] was particularly troubled about the vigilante group and their wanton killing of others in the name of supposed "justice". We ended up having a long talk about the philosophies of Mankind and how people are prone to doing things then justifying them or reasoning them later. Even the most evil person in the world oftentimes has some justification for why they choose to do the things they do. Those reasons, those justifications are what separate us from the beasts. Beasts know only survival of the fittest; kill or be killed, fight or flight -- all things built on instinct not reason. It's why we can sometimes [i]justify[/i] killing a dangerous beast, but sometimes not a dangerous person. Reasons.

The expedition into the Burn didn't go quite according to plan -- and now everything I'd hoped to learn there has quite literally gone up in smoke. I'll have to figure out where to go from here, what to do -- because there's a vidraal out there somewhere that will need dealing with before innocent people get hurt. [b]Garret Hjorth[/b] has, of course, volunteered to help in whatever ways he can. And there is always [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b]. With the two of them behind me, I know I can figure this out. It will give me something to put my energy toward, since all the other matters that I thought I was part of seem to have vanished. I haven't heard anything more from [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] about uncovering her lost memories, [b]Yumari Takeyari[/b] went off to Gyr Abania and hasn't been heard from since, so I suppose the matter of her training and her family are either resolved or she has other people to rely on for them. And, of course, there's [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] who's Monster Hunt seems less like a hunt and more like a drunken pub crawl. I'm not even really sure he wants to defeat Elendria; it's like he enjoys belaboring himself beneath her baleful gaze. There's no drive and no impetus to him to resolve that conflict and I can't make it for him. So, it goes on the shelf with all the other myriad problems I know my friends have, but that they don't seem interested in including me in. I have bigger vidraal to fry.

[b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] and I went out to some mercenary meet-up in the Shroud last night, I keep hoping to find something to do, because Ul'dah is just not enough and I've grown weary of standing around there just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for Oxomoco to be un-busy, waiting for Dorran to recover, waiting to see if Nimie is still with Yumari, waiting for Ex to say she's ready to look into more of her past. A hunt for a big, bad monster might do me well. Mm, unfortunately, what I got was a hunt for a big, bad... dragonfly? It'll do, I suppose. Ex seemed excited for me to hunt the thing and wanted to watch. I invited [b]Garret Hjorth[/b] out to the meet, since he keeps talking about wanting to come out of retirement, to do some good in the world, instead of just crafting his way through it -- although, I've told him that such humble professions still help the world in their own way. After all, what's an adventurer without their arms and armor? As it turns out, though, the hunt we were given is something we have to find and track on our own. I thought that the mercenary meet would be providing a guide of sorts. So, now I have to spend the day tracking the thing so that Garret and I can hunt it later. Last night was fun, though, between talking to him and Ex -- then just having an evening to myself where I didn't have to worry about everyone else's problems. And it wasn't just standing around in Ul'dah waiting for something to happen. This might just be the calm before the storm, but it felt like dancing in the rain beforehand. Oxomoco thinks I'm leading him on and that's going to lead to problems. That I need to put him back at arm's length and reinforce the boundary that he's just some guy I know, not even a true friend yet. I suppose that's fair. Garret hasn't been afraid to tell me how much he cares about me when he barely even knows me. And I can see it sometimes in the way he acts or the way his face turns red. So, I suppose I need to reinforce the idea that we're still just getting to know one another. I'll keep that in mind going forward. Mostly, I think Oxomoco's just mad she missed the pillow fight.

I spent the evening the other night out in the South Shroud with [b]Dorran Kaide[/b]. I thought I'd take him to see Urth's Fount, which has a history tied back to the Allagans. As much as he's enamored of the Allagans, I figured the story would entertain him at least -- but of course, he already knew it. Still, we sat in the quiet of the waterfall glade and talked, not about business or problems or what-have-you. We talked, like friends talk. I learned more about his past with Elendria, more reasons why anyone getting close to him is an impossibility. At least, not while Elendria lives. It was nice, though, to see him relax and let his guard down some. I know there's likely to never be a point in his life that he'll every completely let it down, but it was something. I felt like I saw more of the Real Dorran in those few bells than I've seen in all the moons I've known him. It was a good evening.

I went on a "date" with [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] last night. And no, it wasn't /that/ kind of date, like everyone seems to expect. Ex and I came to an understanding that while we both wanted different things and different kinds of people, there was no reason that we couldn't spend time together as women and friends, uplift each other, and make each other feel beautiful and cared for. So, that's what we aim to do. Everyone else can just take their raunchy thoughts about it and go soak their heads. Including [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b] It amuses me that out of all the nights I've had in Eorzea since I arrived, it's the night I have a "date" with someone that Oxomoco decides to poke her head out of the Ossuary. Not only that, but she proceeds to question and prod at my relationship to Ex like it was something ... romantic, I guess? Which Oxomoco, above anyone else, should know better. So, I played into her false assumptions some; if she wanted to be a brat about it, then so could I. I expected [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] to poke fun at me for going on a "date" with Ex, considering he was there when Ex asked me, so that came as no surprise. What did come as a surprise are Ex's own feelings toward Dorran, which she confessed to me later in the evening as we sat under the Sultantree. Then again, it shouldn't really come as a surprise; Dorran's had more than one woman in the time I've known him take his kindness and his flirtatious flattery as something more than it is. Entirely too charming for his own good, that one. Still, if Ex wants to go on a date with him, and he with her, I don't see why they can't. Maybe they can make one another happy. Vidraal only know that Dorran could use some happiness in his life with all the gloom and doom that hems him in. Eventually, though, we came 'round again to Ex's past and whether or not she wants answers about it. She does and she showed me a photograph of herself and some... friends? Comrades? There's no real certainty. The last time she went asking about them in the Gold Saucer was when she was taken -- and killed. In order to avoid a repeat performance, I offered to go with Dorran to investigate, rather than Ex doing it herself. We might draw some suspicion, but less than if Ex herself were with us. She agreed that should be the plan, so she or I will have to get Dorran in the loop. Once we do that, then we'll delve into Halatali. So, that's one step along one thread. Only three other threads to pull: The situation with [b]Edward Belmont[/b] and [b]Yarothgar Maevsch[/b] because Yarothgar wants to meet the hexed elezen to appraise his situation. Then there's [b]Yumari Takeyari[/b] and her impatience to return home to Kugane against all advice to the contrary. And then, of course, there's Dorran himself and his hunt for His Monster. So many threads, it's like I'm weaving a tapestry all my own these days.

[i]The road to the hells is paved with good intentions...[/i] I've heard that so many times over the years, been told that good intentions are never good enough if they end up costing more than the intent is worth. Everyone tells me I could have died yesterday, that the hex the amalj'aa afflicted me with was far more dangerous than any of us anticipated. That amalj'aa is dead now, of course, so no one else will be afflicted with that curse again. And now [b]Yarothgar Maevsch[/b] has the needed data to continue work on his prototype in order to help [b]Edward Belmont[/b] with his curse. Is that enough good to off-set the damage done to me? I'll recover. It'll take a few days, but I'll recover. I thought I was doing something worthwhile. But the worry I've caused my friends: [b]Dorran Kaide[/b], [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b], and little [b]Yumari Takeyari[/b] don't seem to agree. I was doing something foolhardy and reckless, thoughtless. Dorran came into the house in a rage, Ex said she wanted to do the same. Yumari was in tears all night. It makes me start to wonder if trying to help one person was worth all this, but what's done is done and cannot be undone. I either let this diminish me or I move forward in confidence. And I have never been much for the former. But I will rest as I've been told. I'll keep Dorran's disc with me that trickles in a bit of his own aether in order to accelerate me recovering my own. I'm just glad that [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b] has been so busy with the Ossuary. This would've been something she pulled my ears about and said some pretty abrasive things about me being stupid and how I think everything is a physical fight. Like I've never fought monsters before. So, color me a little glad, for once, that she's off somewhere doing Oxomoco things. I just need to recover before she shows back up.

A vidraal set loose by Garleans... in the hopes that Tural gets implicated for unleashing such hell upon Eorzea. And I'm seemingly the only one who can stop it. There are leads, to the Burn, where perhaps the ship carrying the thing crashed. At least if it's out there, it's somewhere remote. It can keep for now, until I have the time and resources to deal with it. The implications that it might be some kind of time decaying creature, though, lends me pause. I'm not sure how to combat that. I suppose I just have to trust in my skill, my greataxe, and my allies... Or friends. Friends which [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] and [b]Exulansis Kuebiko[/b] have both proven themselves as. Friends I cannot leave behind. To say nothing of my sister, [b]Oxomoco Canek[/b]. There is still Dorran's Monster to hunt. There is still Ex's mystery to solve. There's even little [b]Yumari Takeyashi[/b] and her need to return to Kugane to face her past. I cannot hunt down a vidraal when there is so much left undone. Eorzea has survived Primals, Calamities, and worse. One vidraal can wait. I cannot ignore all that I've built here in Eorzea, else what was the point of coming here? The vidraal's time will come; on MY terms, when I am ready. There is much yet to do. And so I must do it.

Last night was another step toward finding [b]Ex's[/b] voice, a process I'm not truly part of but it's a wonder to watch all the same. All credit goes to [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] and his ingenuity. I don't think I ever see him happier than when he's working on this Vox project for Ex. He's so used to crafting weapons that the rare moments he gets to craft [i]anything else[/i] truly make his face light up. It makes me wish that the people that doubt him, people who denigrate what he does, could see this side of him. Somewhere out of all of that, I earned a date with Ex. Not that it bothers me; it wouldn't be the first time I've spent in companionable company with one of my friends. I just don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think there's anything more than there is. I enjoy her company, which is rare of me to say of women; most are either intimidated, jealous, or spiteful toward me for whatever reason. But there won't be anything more than that. And Vidraal's Fangs, she deserves more than I could ever give her, dear and sweet as she is. Still, I'll take her out to the Sultantree and show her the stars. I'll help her unravel her mysteries. If Dorran can give her a miracle, then I can try to give her one, too.

Another strange letter arrived for me in the mail. it contained a sheaf of pages that had some strange writing on it that I couldn't decipher. Even [b]Exulansis[/b] and [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] tried to translate it, but to no avail. The more Dorran spoke about Tural, about war that broke out, soldier-machines in white armor, I felt the crushing wait of my need to return home. What had become of my parents? Of Iq Br'aax? My comrades in the Landsguard? Questions that I cannot answer here in Eorzea. But neither can I leave. Oxomoco is here. I cannot leave her behind. I won't. Not after we just found one another again. Then there is the matter of Dorran and His Monster. I must help him, I must kill Elendria for him; I'm his Monster-Killer, the one he trusts to do what he may be unable to. I can't just leave him to fend for himself. These mysteries will keep. They endanger nothing and no one. Just little mechanical chips, and scrawlings on paper. They'll keep. They can wait. I cannot abandon those I care about most. I won't.

Shake It Off

[img:6416285|alignment: center|nolink] [i]Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.[/i] The warrioress made her way through the snow, breaking through the frozen snowdrifts; armored feet punctured through the ice-like surface down into the fluffier stuff beneath, sinkin...

06:44 pm - 26.02.2025

Last night was the first time in the whole of my life that I'd been witness to a real and true miracle. I saw a woman, a bard, who had lost her voice to tragedy given the ability to speak again through technology. [b]Ex[/b] was so elated, even as she faltered through finding her voice again through the cleverness of [b]Dorran Kaide's[/b] magitek. If only Amber had been on-hand to see THIS, then maybe she would be so against what Dorran does as an occupation. Maybe, like me, she would begin to understand the True Good that technology can do for others. I begin to see and understand what the Second Promise sees in it, technology and magitek. How it could be beneficial for our people, to better Tural in ways we could never before dream of. Technology can be life-changing, not just life-ending. I saw it first-hand tonight and I am... awed. It was one of the few times I saw true, unabashed joy on Dorran's face. He says he has a happy face all the time, but it's nothing like this. There is a light that gleams within the depths of his golden eyes, the war-torn lines of his face ease and even the timbre of his voice is lighter. Would that he could have more of such moments, they're too rare, and too fleeting. Perhaps when matters with His Monster are done he'll find more of such moments. It's hard to find them when Darkness and Danger loom so close. It's why I want to help him put an end to this, once and for all. He doesn't see it, but Elendria has him in an invisible cage where his melancholy and his trepidation alienate him from others. His reticence to trust, to let people in, all because of the danger Elendria represents. He doesn't wish to put others in the line of fire. All while keeping him solidly in a cage of his own making. A cage of his own fears. But I'm strong enough to bend the bars and break them.

Today was a day made for out of the ordinary encounters. It all began with [b]Yoko Onishi[/b] who showed up and was her "perpetually happy" self, getting all to in my personal space, and calling me her friend -- after I've known her all of two days! I finally asked her why she felt that way and it just devolved from there, she ended up crying, pretty much blaming me for everything -- Just like Khanna used to. I have expected my parents to show up to start admonishing me for bullying my littlest sister. After that I saw [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b] briefly. He seems concerned for my involvement with Dorran's Monster, but not enough to involve himself or give me anything but the most basic of advice, as if I'm some stripling that can't think for myself. As if I'd trust a super-heated axe that was made of iron or steel, some metal that isn't heat-resistant! Besides, I trust Dorran and his craft, he's not going to give me a weapon that's going to break on first use. That would defeat the purpose of even having it. I really [i]should[/i] put it through its paces though AND give it a name... Not long after that, I encountered a macabre done up vieran maiden calling herself Ex. I remember her, though, I remember her from one of the fetes thrown back in my arena days. She was a bard that performed there; I even remember one of her songs; "The Ferryman's Bargain". The poor thing lost her voice since I'd seen her last all those years ago, to reasons I don't feel right writing in here. Needless to say, I felt so sorry for her. For a songstress like her to lose such a beautiful voice is damn near criminal. It would be like me losing an arm or a leg. I could still fight, just like she can still play music -- but it just could never be the same as when we were whole. She asked me about her voice and I described it for her as I remembered it. I think it nearly brought her to tears. I wish there was something I could do to help her, but I'm sure she's been to all kinds of healers and chirurgeons. Such a voice should not be lost to the world. The world deserves to hear it. There must be something, some way I can help. I'll sleep on it. Maybe something will come to me.

[b]Dorran Kaide[/b] gifted me with a new axe this evening. At first, I was alarmed because I was told by a miqo'te in the Quicksand that today was the day that Eorzeans give gifts to the people they wish to be their... Valentione? Whatever that is. It's something to do about stating your intent to court them, I think? I was half afraid that Dorran was professing some manner of feelings by giving me such a gift, but he reassured me several times that it was nothing of the sort. He just wanted me to be well-armed in his fight against his Monster and her Voidsent cohort. The axe itself is... daunting. Or at least nothing that I've ever encountered in weaponry. It houses the detatched spirit of a Voidsent which is what fuels the magitek that empowers it. At a thought from me, the axehead will ignite with blue-white flame that superheats itself enough to cut through even the hardest materials. Dorran says that it's capable of [i]more[/i] but he didn't elaborate. He told me to practice with it for now and get used to it. As if that wasn't gift enough, he also gave me a book of Eorzea's history, going all the way back to the Fourth Astral Era. It was a tome that his mother had given him as a child. It seemed like something so precious, so well-kept all these years, that it should not be given to some base foreigner like myself. I told him I would read it and return it as quickly as I could, so that he would be able to have it again and bequeath it to his children and his grandchildren. And so the ghost of his mother wouldn't haunt either of us. We've enough dark things hanging around, we don't need another.

I accompanied [b]Titus Valentius[/b] on an escort mission this evening, walking a young, aspiring merchant's son to his destination in Little Ala Mhigo from Ul'dah. We were transporting a case of medicinals to the refugees there and it proved more adventuresome than a mere few malm's walk. A broodmother peiste decided we looked rather appetizing after the merchant's son, Aowic, decided to rouse her with his screeching. I took care of it in two blows. One to its soft underbelly as I slid beneath it, then another to hamstring its foreleg as it tried to body slam down into me. Between the blood and the orange dust of Thanalan, I came out of the fight looking like a baras from the Steppe. Our escortee seemed suitably impressed, I was just glad I could take it down in short order. Valentius seemed surprised that I didn't go in leaping skyward using aether and swinging around a fiery axe and all. We continued on to our destination and were then confronted with three bandits, determined to relieve us of the medicinals we were carrying. Valentius tried to assuage them with a bribe, promise of payment. I even tried to diffuse them by talking a little rational sense; their lives weren't worth the little they'd steal from us. I almost thought they'd listen, until their ringleader leapt forward to stab Valentius. After that, well, he'd warned them that any harm that befell us would be revisited on them tenfold. It left three bandits dead, either shot to death or with a cut throat. Fools. Stupid, narrow-sighted fools. We delivered the boy safely to Little Ala Mhigo and I was grateful for it. I've never had to endure so much blatant racism and bigotry in a single mortal being. But I was treated to more of it when we got to the township. People /hate/ Valentius. Or, I suppose, they hate what he represents, as a Garlean. He understands, though, understands why people hate him, denigrate him, treat him like garbage. Eorzeans are such a... complicated people. That's what [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] keeps telling me. They're complicated. Their history is complicated. [i]It's complicated.[/i] I should read more of Eorzea's history. I should understand why it's complicated.

Tonight was the night I'd set aside to spar with [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b] to defend the honor of Aunt Tii's tacos! The cocky viera dared to lay claim that he could make a better taco than Aunt Tii, so I called his bluff. But in order to earn the honor, I had to fight him for them. So we did that tonight. I'm not sure what I expected. After seeing him fight on the Bloodsands, I expected more magic, more showboating, more flamboyance. But perhaps that's the difference between a fight on the Bloodsands and a fight far away from the eyes of a captive audience. I don't think he held back in the least, but he was far more serious with me than I saw him on the Sands. I suppose it was just as well, because I gave him equal amounts of seriousness. He still got me a couple of times. This is a time I'm glad that Oxomoco is preoccupied with the Ossuary, elsewise she might be marching through Ul'dah hunting viera until she found Syrio, leaving scorched earth in her wake. Syrio isn't quite the person I thought he was when I met him in the Quicksand. Out in the jungles of La Noscea, he was contemplative, and seemingly filled with regrets, ill memories of his own time in the arenas. Fond of his cooking, fond of his Master, that much was clear. But there's a strange sort of softness beneath the overconfident, rapier wit. He seems almost... lonely. Nevertheless, It was a good time and the tacos he made... well, they were worth the scars I'll have. They evoked such memories of home, memories of my sisters back in simpler times. It made me horribly homesick. With all the news I keep hearing about Tural; civil war, monsters, machine armies, lightning cities in domes... It's everything I can do not to run home. My letters to our parents have gone unanswered. I fear the worst. But I can't leave Oxomoco now. Not now that we're finally together again after all these years. If we go back home, then we go back together or not at all.

I was put to the test tonight by my employer, [b]Dorran Kaide[/b], to make sure that I was capable of everything I've purportedly claimed about my skillset. He pit me against a creature known as a "Blackguard" -- some kind of flying voidsent knight. Like most Knights I've met, though, the creature was more bluster and pomp than any feasible skill. I've fought worse matches against Havoc back in my arena days. As a result, though, I was finally treated to the true story of Dorran's downfall and why these escapades are so important to him. He was a boy in love, who tried to move mountains, defeat Death, for the woman he loved. The kind of things they write stories about. Only he did it by doing things no person in their right mind should ever consider doing. Things I won't even write here, because they're his story to share. I gave him my thoughts on the matter and he seemed simultaneously annoyed and relieved, partly because I couldn't possibly understand what he's been through because I've never had any Great Love or True Love or whatever people want to romanticize it as. I have known the love of comrades and friends, of lovers and confidantes. They were none of them any Great Love, but they brought me solace when I needed it. A thing that Dorran has since denied himself because of his losses. The woman he's most smitten with is spoken for by an ishgardian Knight, for vidraal's sake! It's as if the man thrives only when he torments himself. As his friend -- which I suppose I count as now that he's entrusted me with an actual Truth of himself -- I have to help him find the path forward, instead of being mired in his thoughts of being defeated, yet again, by this Elendria. In the end, I gave him a token; a bundle of sticks tied together by a lock of my mane. To remind him that while one stick is breakable and fragile... a bundle of sticks becomes unbreakable. He simply needs more sticks...

I went out to Ishgard with [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] because he wanted to enlist some of his Companymates to his cause against the void cultists. There's so much more to the story than I've been told, but thusfar, I've not been privy to it. I know Dorran is simply my employer, so he owes me nothing in terms of story. But the man also claims to trust me... How can he trust me when he doesn't even know me? He doesn't even truly believe I've done the things I say I've done. I simply "claim" to have done them, like some braggart in the Quicksand lauding his great deeds, but never backing them up. I suppose, though, in the Grand Scheme of things I /am/ nothing but some braggart from the Quicksand. Dorran doesn't know me from a hole in the ground. I'm not sure he ever will, because the only thing we talk about is the mission, the voidsent, and all the plotting and planning that comes along with it. He says he trusts me, but he has no reason to. He says he trusts me, but not with his own story as to why we're doing this. He says he trusts me... and all I can think of to ask is "Why?"

Last night was spent talking with [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b], mostly about our continued battle of the Better Taco. But also about life, in general. I told him about my upbringing in the Landsguard. He helped me see that change, improvement, and innovation are good things, because I told him there was no improving on Aunt Tii's tacos. But even the Training Master used to say that stagnation was the death of a warrior; we always had to strive to learn, to grow, to make ourselves better. The world didn't turn on inertia. So change, improvement was good. And it was good to be reminded.

Spent some time in the company of a roegadyn, [b]Shining Bull[/b]. He was an amusing sort of man, a bit rough around the edges, but pretty transparent about what he wanted out of life. A few secrets, including a sordid past with the Yakuza, but who among us doesn't have our share of secrets? He kept calling me an "exotic beauty" which was flattering. Ever since I came to Eorzea, I feel mostly like a faceless enigma. A nobody. It's quite a shift from being idolized and popular overseas, given my arena fame abroad. So, it was kind of nice to be noticed. Even when I declined his offer of more, he still stayed and we talked a while longer about inconsequential nothings. It was nice. He seems determined to win me over, though whether that's a real goal of his or just something he said to be flattering remains to be seen.

I spent an unexpected evening in the company of [b]Syrio Nessaire[/b] -- the viera who threatened me over his ability to make a decent taco. He apologized for his behavior, which I accepted. I thought it would end with that, but he ended up staying and we ended up talking for a while. I learned that he's some kind of arena fighter, but I've fought in arenas the world over and I've never heard his name anywhere. And I'm certain that if someone that was trained by Master Florelis was fighting in arenas somewhere, I'd have heard of it. He gave me a coin, though, blessed of his goddess, Nymeia; one of the Twelve who rules over luck and Fate. He said if I was ever faced with a dire decision, I should flip the coin and let Nymeia guide me. It seems such a fickle thing to decide one's life and one's future on a coin toss -- but I suppose if I'm at a stand still with a decision, some kind of forward momentum is better than none. I leave for Coerthas soon to help [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] with his voidsent problem. I can only hope that I don't need to use the coin for anything concerning that. Still, Syrio gave me some useful advice in fighting them, I figure Dorran has the means to banish them permanently; it'd be foolish to undertake such a venture and not have the means otherwise. I've left the remaining bulk of the coin he paid me with over with the Ossuary, to be dispensed to Oxomoco should anything happen to me. I know she'll grump and lecture me later about it, but after all these years if something goes awry, I just want her to be taken care of...

Yesterday was an odd day. Some elezen first tried to intimate that I wasn't an 'actual' woman, then some giant tin can told me that I'm old and a 'cougar' -- at a little over 30 years old. When [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] explained to me what a 'cougar' even was, I was floored. I'm not that old and I'm not looking for some boy-child hangers-on. I'm not looking for anyone at all. Eorzea is a weird place and the people have weird thoughts here. Dorran eventually introduced me to one of his Companymates, Ziandria Dothlar, a hrothgar from... somewhere. I don't think it was ever actually said, but she's not a xbr'aal from Tural like we are. She seemed nice enough, interested in learning how to swing an axe. I can at least teach her the basics, but I've never actually had to train anyone before. That's what the Training Master's job was. Dorran himself seemed a bit... touchy all evening. It might be time to carry him out to the Sultantree again. Or maybe he's just nervous about the journey to Coerthas. He keeps going on about how personal it is and about his personal monster... If it's something so personal to him, it makes me wonder why he asked me along at all. Where are his friends? Where are the people for whom there's a more personal stake in this? I suppose I should be honored. The end of the night saw me debating with a viera about his ability to cook a better taco than Aunt Tii's. It eventually took a weird turn, though, when he and his elezen groupie started threatening me with a fight over it. Going on and on about his battle prowess like he and I should just throw down over it. Eorzeans are downright odd, odd and defensive over the strangest things. It makes me miss Oxomoco. I hate the Ossuary for keeping her all tied up with their nonsense.

Spent most of the evening lurking with [b]M'ythral Tia[/b]. Not really talking about anything of merit, mostly idle nonsense. Still, it was better than a whole lot of the barren silence I was enjoying before I walked up to him. I don't know what it is about me that's so off-putting to people. Maybe I'm too intimidating. Or as M'yth put it, too intimidatingly beautiful. Whatever it is, it pretty much ensures that if I want to have a conversation with someone, I have to ambush them with it. Except for [b]Kosuke Kiritsugi[/b], he never fears to approach me, but I haven't seen him in a couple of sennights now. It makes me look forward to whatever job [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] has in the works. If it gets me out of this city, out of this state of stagnation, then maybe I won't feel so alone here with Oxomoco tied up with Ossuary business.

I found [b]Dorran Kaide[/b] in the Quicksand again, as I often do. He was with some vapid elezen who seemed more interested in her friends standing at the railing above Dorran than she was interested in Dorran himself. What is it with this man and his piss-poor taste in women? First that psychotic viera, now this one who all but ignores him. Are people in Ul'dah all this wretched to each other? Dorran seemed like he needed a break so I carried him out to the Sultantree. I've heard many stories about the Sultantree, how it's a symbol of Ul'dah and her prosperity, how so long as the Sultantree thrives, then Ul'dah, too, will thrive. It seemed a nice place to take him, it also has a great view of the stars. While I don't know him well, I could tell that something was weighing on Dorran like he was wearing an anchor around his neck. Turns out the Bozjan fool was worried about his friends getting involved in his troubles. So, I turned it 'round on him. If positions were reversed and it was his friends that needed help, he'd do all in his power to help and protect them, right? So why does he believe himself exempt from the same treatment everyone else gets? That seemed to give him food for thought. He reminds me so much of Havoc...

I was offered a job today by [b]Dorran Kaide[/b], defending some undertaking he has from voidsmell -- er, voidsent -- incursion. I'm not sure what he's doing that would provoke them, but I've known less when serving the Landsguard. Simply given my orders and deployed, this is no different. Except I'll get paid! Well, more than the stipend I earned with the Landsguard, at any rate. Probably should've charged him for pest control services, after dealing with that obnoxious viera that decided to latch on to him. Although, I'm relieved to know it wasn't an [i]actual[/i] friend of his. It seems rather bad form to insult the friend of your future employer, so I'm glad I didn't stick my foot in my mouth on that score. She deserved what she got, though, snarking at me like I did her some kind of wrong when she's the one that butted into our business to begin with. Some people have no manners. Still, Dorran apologized for her intrusion and said we'd discuss negotiations for my pay rate after I'd had a chance to talk to Oxomoco. So, that's what I'll do... as soon as I can pry her out of the Ossuary.