After

(A page is marked with splotches and smeared ink, and the shaky words 'I can't do this.' The rest of the page is blank. Writing continues on the next page.)
 
--
 
I’m sorry. Maybe I should tear that page out… Writing this is supposed to be helpful, not… like that. There’s just been so much lately. I am not a strong leshy. I am scared all the time. I mess up a lot. I make mistakes, I hurt my friends, I panic and do things wrong. And sometimes I cannot escape the feeling that I have failed. That I will always fail. That I am worthless…
 
And I am scared, always, that if something ever happened to Kai or Alistair, it would be my fault. I don’t know if I really am supposed to be here, or if fate made a mistake… but I want to do whatever I can to help them. I don’t want them to die because of me. I don’t ever want them to die.
 
I just wish I could be stronger for them. But however little I can offer them, I give it freely. I will protect them with everything I have, however small, however weak, however scared I might be. They are my purpose now.
 
Though I wish they hadn’t had to see me like this…
 
If they ever read this…
 
I am sorry, Alistair, Kai. I should have been stronger, and I will try to be stronger for you from now on. I know that, if anyone could do this, it is you. You’re strong, stronger than I thought mortals could be, and if The Peddler is right about anything, it is that. I wish the world did not have to rest on your shoulders, but if it must, it could not be in more capable hands. And as long as I am still in this body, I will do all I can to protect you.
 
But please… If I fail sometimes, if I am too scared to keep going… Please be patient with me like you were tonight. Let me be weak, if only for a little while. I will not let it stop me. I just need to be reminded of your strength, and your friendship. It is enough. I will be better for you. I will try.
 
Maybe one day I can learn to be mortal like you. To make the most of what time I have as Dezzy, as your friend. I want that more than I can say. You remind me why I love this world and the people who live in it. You remind me why I want to be mortal. You remind me to live.
 
I only wish we could live in happier times. But maybe they’ll be there, someday. Maybe there is still sunlight beyond this deep shadow. And I hope… I wish with everything I have that we will all reach it together.
 
As long as I have you, I will hold on to that. I will not give in to fear or despair. I will follow you into the dark, and no matter what happens to me I will guide you back out again.
 
I promise.
 
…
 
Forgive me. There is much I still must recount and explain, but not tonight. I have too much to think about…