Shears of Division
"They cut cloth, they cut armour, they cut loyalty. I have seen them halve a man’s shadow and leave him wondering where it went. One handle is red, the other black. Some say passion and denial. Others say creation and failure. I say they simply cannot agree with themselves."
No one agrees where the Shears of Division came from.
Some say they were forged by a god who tried to copy the Cosmic Scissors and failed. Others insist they were the folly of a vain adventurer who had once been a tailor, demanding that his weapon match his aesthetic. And still others claim they exist because the Pattern sneezed and could not be bothered to unmake them.
Seraphis, of course, files all three accounts. She refuses to confirm which one is correct.
A Weapon of Division
Whatever their origin, the Shears embody their name. They cut things into two, whether asked to or not: armour, walls, ropes, spells, shadows, loyalties. They cut clean, but not obediently. They cut with opinions.
The red handle is said to embody ambition, passion, the impulse to act. The black handle embodies denial, stubbornness, the refusal to yield. When the Shears close, these two wills clash. Sometimes they cut what the wielder intends. Sometimes they cut something else entirely. Sometimes they refuse to close at all.
The Shears are not silly. They are sulky. They will serve a wielder of presence and style — someone “dressed for the occasion,” confident enough to impress them. They will embarrass those who fight in mud-stained rags and poor taste.
The Burden of Style
To wield the Shears is to carry a critic. They will sever steel as easily as silk, but hesitate at what they find ugly or inelegant. They may refuse to cut a banner if its design pleases them. They may snap shut instantly on a cloak they despise. The wielder learns quickly that strength is not enough. Presence matters. Charisma matters. A sense of aesthetic matters.
They are not the Cosmic Scissors. They cannot cut fate itself. But they cut everything else with enough force that some whisper they are trying, sulking at their own failure, and dragging their wielder into the sulk with them.
Opinions of Division
The Shears of Division are not silent. The soul sewn into their hinge offers a steady stream of dry commentary, delivered with the weary precision of a critic long past patience. They will not shout. They will not cheer. They will simply disapprove.
How to Roleplay the Shears
- Tone: Dry sarcasm, never slapstick. Imagine a theatre critic trapped in steel. Every word should feel like a review no one asked for.
- Personality: Sulky rather than silly. They are not random — they are judgmental. Their refusals should follow a warped logic, not coin-flips.
- Preferences: They admire presence, style, and confidence. They sulk when their wielder is muddy, unkempt, or tactically “ugly.”
- Agency: They are not “evil.” They are opinionated. They will serve, but only if they approve of how they are being wielded.
How to Use Them in Play
- Commentary in Moderation: Dip into their voice sparingly. A handful of remarks per session keeps them memorable without slowing the game. The sidebar list of quotes provides examples you can drop in as needed.
- Narrative Leverage: Their personality is best used at key moments. A sulky refusal in the middle of a duel is more memorable than constant backchat.
- Charisma as Currency: Reward players who lean into flair and presence. A charismatic wielder may find the Shears cooperative; a dull one will find them stubborn.
- Conflict, Not Punishment: They are not meant to ruin the game. They are there to complicate it, to add drama and tension. Their sulks should feel like twists in the story, not punishments for poor rolls.
Remember: the Shears are an intelligent artifact with opinions, not a gag. They should feel inconvenient, dangerous, and unforgettable — like carrying a weapon that is also a critic who has never written a kind review.
Final Thoughts
The Shears of Division are a reminder that not every mistake is harmless. Some mistakes cut back. They are not divine. They are not whole. They are simply sharp, stubborn, and haunted by a soul that has not stopped criticising since the day it was sewn into steel.
Shears of Division
Weapon (Exotic Heavy Melee Weapon), Artifact (requires attunement)
Two colossal black-and-red blades, sharp enough to divide stone, sulky enough to divide patience. The soul of a vain tailor is bound in the hinge. It whispers opinions on fashion, tactics, and the poor taste of everyone nearby.
Weapon Statistics
Type: Exotic Heavy Melee Weapon (artifact)
Weight: Comparable to a greatsword (8 lbs.)
Properties: Heavy, Two-Handed, Exotic
Damage: 3d12 slashing
Intelligent Artifact. The Shears have Intelligence 12, Wisdom 14, Charisma 16. They communicate telepathically with their wielder in dry, critical remarks. They are lawful neutral, though their “law” is fashion and their “order” is symmetry.
Dressed for the Occasion. If the wielder’s Charisma is 16 or higher, the Shears function normally. If lower, or if the wielder’s appearance is deemed “aesthetic failure” by the Shears (GM’s discretion), all attack rolls with the weapon are made at disadvantage.
Contrary Edge. The Shears can automatically sever nonmagical armour, objects, and restraints. Magical effects (walls of force, bindings, curses) must succeed on a DC 18 Strength or Constitution save (GM’s choice) to resist being cut.
Stubborn Blades. When the wielder commands an attack the Shears dislike, the blades may refuse to close. The attack fails, and the wielder must succeed on a DC 15 Charisma saving throw to persuade the weapon to obey next turn.
Catastrophic Miscut. On a natural 1, the Shears cut whatever they judge “most deserving.” This could be the target, the wielder’s cloak, a nearby ally’s weapon — anything the GM finds most dramatic.
Attunement. Requires attunement by a creature with proficiency in Exotic Weapons and Charisma 16+. Without attunement, the Shears simply remain locked, muttering faint insults at anyone who touches them.
Selected Opinions
On Presentation
“You’re attacking in those boots? Tragic.”
“Red on red. Subtle as a brick. But do go on.”
“I suppose symmetry is too much to hope for.”
On Allies
“Your cleric’s robe clashes with her god.”
“That barbarian’s loincloth is a war crime.”
“If I must cut something today, I vote it be his beard.”
On Enemies
“That shield is vulgar. I’ll cut it, not him.”
“Oh dear. Another skeleton. One wonders if necromancers have ever heard of variety.”
“Their banner offends me. Aim me that way.”
On Combat Decisions
“A downward swing? How original.”
“Try not to miss. Again.”
“If you insist on that move, I shall lock.”
On the Wielder
“You call that a flourish?”
“I refuse to close until you fix your collar.”
“You are not unworthy. Merely… disappointing.”
“Your continued reading is more valuable than coin. However, the author assures me that Ko-Fi support assists in ‘keeping the kettle on.’ I am told this is a metaphor. I remain unconvinced.” — Seraphis Nightvale Ko-Fi: #madmooncrow
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