Obsidia

Pretty much everyone 'ere is a human. Humans are weird, right? So delicate... so fond of their stupid rules.

Anyway, these humans are rich. Seriously, rich. Think about what your definition of 'absolutely bloody rollin' in it' is and then times it by ten. I've been to towns where half the folks are well-to-do, but the others are livin' in the gutter. That just ain't the case 'ere. In Obsidia, everyone is wealthy. Like most goblins, I like a shiny thing or two, but when everyone's got more shiny things than they can count, it kinda loses its meanin', don't it? The only way they could make this place seem even richer would be if they literally paved their streets with gold.

It's run by this bloke called Grand Custodian Cornelius Gloam. Even though he hired me, I never got to meet him. Things got too messy too quickly. Even though I ain't met him, I can be certain that he is an absolute cockwomble.

Alright, so, we're gettin' heavy into spoiler territory now. Seriously, if ya ain't read "The Light in the Darkness" , you should do it now.

If you're readin' this bit, I'm just gonna assume you read it. It's ya own fault if ya ain't! Don't come cryin' to me cos you've spoiled the surprise.

Okay?

Good.

In terms of defences, the folks in Obsidia have got themselves a big ol' iron gate. Now, let me tell ya, this thing is massive. I reckon it's at least twice the height of the tallest troll. Tell ya what, I reckon it's even taller than that. Seriously bloody massive.

So, anyway, when I first got there, I thought those gates were a great way to keep fairies out, what wiv 'em bein' made of iron and all. That would be the sensible assumption, right? Well, it turns out, the gate was there to keep the little fuckers in. Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me, but I suppose it'll have to stay a mystery cos there ain't an icicle's chance in a cauldron that I'm goin' back there. My hand feels like it's on fire just thinkin' about it... and if ya didn't get that reference, I know you didn't read my story. But you should. There's a test at the end of this, y'know... okay, there isn't, but only cos I can't be arsed with all that. I've got better things to do than quiz ya on stuff.

Other than the big ol' gate and the fence it's attached to, there ain't much else in the way of defences. If you consider how much wealth is there, that might be surprising... until ya remember the fairy issue. Somehow or other, those little shits must eat all the thieves and bandits that try their luck. It's a pretty good security system in that respect... but I wouldn't a security system that actively wanted to eat me.

Now that I fink about it, I should probably write an entry about these fairies, shouldn't I? Maybe later, eh?

I had a brief tour of the place when I first arrived and, while I can't remember everyfin' (cos my guide just kept babblin' on and I lost interest), here are some of the key points:

• there are shops there that sell just about anyfin' you can imagine. Even stuff you don't need. Stuff you'll never need! What's the bloody point in that?
• they have a couple of theatres where people watch other people pretend to be other people. It don't make much sense to me, but I refer you to my earlier point: humans are weird. To be honest, I was a little bit interested in this and if things hadn't gone completely pear-shaped while I was there, I might have checked it out. Ol' Archie (my guide) told me about something called a 'play' and it was about pirates. I s'pose it could be worth investigatin' if I find another town with a theatre... and providin' there ain't nufin' there tryin' to eat me.
• there's a tavern called The Golden Toe Inn. If it weren't for what 'appened durin' my stay, I would've liked to return to that one. I can't say anyfin' about the beer, as I didn't get the chance to taste it, but that was the cleanest tavern I've ever set foot in. Oh, and there was a load of trinkets in there. Just laying around, they were. It was like they wanted me to take 'em! If I could go back in time, I'd go there and nick everyfin' I could carry... but I'd leave stuff hidden under floorboards well alone. I've learnt my lesson.
• what else? Oh yeah, this is one of those new fangled towns with gas lighting and all that kinda stuff. I still have no idea how it works, but it's nice, innit? Maybe all towns will have that stuff one day.
• the buildings have little ornate decorations on 'em (y'know, like flowers and shit... well, not literally poop - that would be weird even for humans). Those bits serve no purpose at all. Then again, a lot of what I saw in that town served no pursose at all, so I shoulda seen that comin'.
• I mentioned the cobblestone streets, right? Apparently this is the way the modern towns are goin' these days. It looks alright, I'll give 'em that, but gimme a dirt road any day - much easier to run on! Those cobblestones played havok with my toes.