Kragg Einarsson

Right, you may be asking yourself for a comprehensive account of the grand heist and associated drama.   Well, you’re nae gonna get one.   Why? Because I spent most of it outside making sure Dave didn’t wake up.   Now Dave is a guard, a guard patrolling the grounds of the mansion that Torwynn lured over with a wee animal call as we snuck in through the bushes. Once he was close enough I knocked him out and dragged him into our hiding spot.   I don’t actually know if his name is Dave, because every time he even breathed the wrong way I’d punch his face again to keep him unconscious.   Dave suited him. So Dave it was.   Now, while Dave and I enjoyed a wee relaxing time in the bushes (not that kind of relaxing Thal, you dirty elf bastard) the rest of the gang snuck into the mansion.   I dunnae know what happened next but suddenly the alarm was raised and all the guards when charging in.   So I left Dave sleeping in the bushes and charged into the mansion (after a wee climb up a rope) and found everyone running away.   COWARDS. It’s a good thing I’ve got a wee soft spot for ‘em.   ‘Course what I didn’t know was the giant spider chasing them was, in fact, Torwynn. It was a good thing Bort shouted it out because otherwise she might have had an axe between her eight eyes.   What I didn’t have to question was the wizard and archer firing spells and arrows at Thal and Rynaar. I left the pair of ‘em and Bort to sort out the healing while I piled in with my axe to block the doorway and create a barrier for the rest of the party to escape behind.   I wasn’t sure what happened next, but when I summoned my ancestors’ spirits this time they weren’t their usual blue but a deep red, like Dante and the crystal. And fuck me if I didn’t feel a rush of power and rage like nothin’ else before.   When it all calmed down I was covered in blood. A lot of my own and even more of the dead wizard and archer around me.   Think there were some other dead bastards there too but we made a hasty escape. On the way back the others told me that they’d snagged three notes, which was all the evidence we needed.   There’s gonna be hell to pay when Silverhand finds his guards murdered to fuck in his own office but we’ll deal with that later. Right now we’re back in the Drunken Scholar to rest up and plan our next move.   Mission impossible my arse.

SO.   Been a whirlwind few days, let me tell you. Not in the spinning on the spot with my axe out separating legs from torsos kind of whirlwind, but the everything moves so bloody fast it’s a wee bit tricky for a dwarf to keep up whirlwind.   Luckily, I had ale to keep me company.   My stint as Inspector Kragg was short-lived, mainly because I sat on my arse and watched the crew do all the hard work. I’m good at swinging my axe, not daintily snooping through desk drawers.   How did we get to that point? Well first we went to investigate the dead body. Now, I know a murder when I see one (you might say it takes a killer to know a killer), and this was just that. What made it spookier was the symbols painted on the wall. Just like the ones we saw at the Skyfire festival and a few other times along the way.   Aye, the game was afoot.   I won’t bore you with the details but the dead body was the fifth found like this, and we found a key and a token on ‘em. Turns out the key was for the admininst…administer…adminostraten…administration building right close to where the body was.   Naturally, we let ourselves in and that’s when the more delicate members of our wee coterie had a sniff around the place, rooting through desk drawers and such.   I stood guard to make sure they weren’t interrupted. Well… by ‘stood’ I mean sat on my arse on the reception desk but it served the same purpose.   Anyhoo, those dainty snoopers found records of records of weapons being sold to, or by, my memory’s a wee bit fuzzy, a Vorian Malkor.   The name didn’t ring any bells so off we went back to Oswin, who told us he was also known as Silverhand!   Every dwarf worth their salt knows bloody Silverhand. The amount of mid range axes we sell him on the promise they’re the premium good shite is hilarious! Thankfully humans can’t tell their arse from their elbow when it comes to exquisite craftsmanship so we’ve been getting away with it for years.   Poor bastards.   Had a chat with Oswin, who pointed us to a warehouse at the docks.   Time for some more snooping.   Wasn’t anything particularly exciting in there but there was a crate with Drimm’s family sigil burned into the side. As you might imagine, I had a wee peekaboo inside. A dwarf with four axes could always use a fifth, after all.   Did I find anything? Did I bollocks. All I got for my troubles was a cut finger and a foul mood.   The others found more coins and tokens with the number 12 and different crests on them but truth be told I was too pissed off to care.   Thankfully, on our way back, we were ambushed by a group of bandits. I was so relieved, I actually had something to take my anger out on.   I took out a couple of the leaders after they’d knocked down Rynaar. Who Thal healed and then the kinky elf bastard conjured up that magic weapon of his again - which I still think is cheating, by the way. Bort’s cannon was firing left, right and centre and Torwynn changed into a hyena.   I wasn’t sure if she minded me calling her Torwyena or not. The lass laughed at everything.   With Rynaar back and fighting fit, he started leaping around and bringing the pain with his staff. So much so that all the bandits started fleeing. Not before Torwyena had ripped off a few faces, mind you.   Aye, it’s deliciously violent when she gets like that.   Much to my and Torwyena’s annoyance, the others captured one of the bandits and kept him alive to interrogate. Turns out Silverhand had paid them to do the murders and watch us from across the docks. Sneaky bastard.   Just as the bandit shite was about to confess more, an arrow came out of nowhere and killed him. The wanker assassin was too quick and escaped, so off we went back to the Laughing Scholar to sleep for the night and work out what to do next.   IT WAS FUNNY AS FUCK WATCHING ALL THE FANCY-SCHMANCY TYPES LOOK AT US IN HORROR AS WE WALKED IN SOAKED IN BLOOD WITH A GIANT HYENA IN TOW.   Aye. Good times.   No dreams that night, just a good sleep.   Everyone says I snore.   Good, I say. Sign of a hearty rest.   Just like the hearty breakfast…or two…that I enjoyed before we went off to tell Oswin about what we found.   He started going on about blah blah warring families and old friends and blah blah.   I only started paying attention again when he offered a bag of cash, which Torwynn snatched out of his hand in a flash. Never seen the lass move so fast.   And while she shared the wealth out, Oswin said we needed to find proof…by breaking into Silverhand’s mansion and having a goosey gander for proof of him being a naughty boy.   I decided not to mention I’m about as subtle as fishing with dynamite, or a brick through glass. We could work out those wee details later.   So…   Off we went to scout out the mansion. Well, Torwynn and Jeremy went out, the rest of us sat in a tavern and waited. Okay, maybe not waited completely. We did have a look at the plans that Oswin had given us to suss out a route in. Then when Torwynn and Jeremy came back, the wee mouse hero had scouted out a lot of the place so we had a rough idea of where the guards were. Inside and out. Also where Silverhand’s office was.   The plan was simple. I’d wait in the bushes while the others broke in an stole what they needed to steal.   If things kicked off outside, I’d swing my axe. If things kicked off inside, I’d join them and swing my axe.   Easy.   With that agreed, we set out to get supplies.   Found a blacksmith, a dwarf call Prigg. He knew of Drimm’s work so I traded him Drimm’s axe for the sharpening of mine. Also negotiated Thal a good deal on getting his dagger sharpened too.   Then we went to an alchemist for some potions. Turns out he was a racist wee gnome. Old bastard, only wanted to deal with Bort. Maybe shitbags attract, who knows? Anyway, the others stocked up on what they needed and Bort bought a lucky dip potion. Doesn’t seem to be doing anything weird to him, thank fuck.   Well, anything weirder than he already is.   With the day done we headed back to rest up for the night.   After a few ales, at least.   ANYWAY.   This is where it gets interesting.   SO. I had another dream about this Dante fella. But this time, he was right infront of me and I could finally see him clearly…a dwarf!   Always knew he was an ancestor - you cannae bullshit a bullshitter, see? Oh I was suspicious at first, don’t get me wrong. But…   He knew all about our heritage, and past. One of the earliest of our line and he’s chosen me! ME! He’s gonna lend me his strength and be there when I need him. A proper dwarf. Of course, nothing comes for free, and he says he’ll call on me when he needs me, which is fine. Dwarves looking out for dwarves is what we do.   We swore an oath in the ancient way, with a cutting of palms and shaking of hands.   AYE, that moment I could feel power, REAL POWER, flow up my arm. It was good. Gonna be swinging my axe with a bit more juice these days.   Course then I woke up, and my hand was scarred. Yeah, it was real all right. I got me a true ancestral guardian. Can’t wait to tell the lads back home.   Next morning at breakfast I was still looking at my palm as we made the final preparations for the heist. Went over the plan, then headed out to pick up our weapons from Prigg and visit Alec the racist gnome alchemist a final time.   Now we’re just waiting for night to fall so we can get moving…  

Down the river we travelled, no more spooky villages or lost lassies to find a home for. Was actually a pretty pleasant experience all things considered, I only had to threaten to drown the shitbag Bort once.   Then we came across a fat fella bathing in the river, each to their own of course but I wasnae expecting the bastard to stand up and show off his wee acorn. Not a sight I want to see any time again soon.   ANYWAY - the bastard then starts saying how he was the brains behind the adventurers who ended the Eldbury curse and saved the brewery! I told him politely that you cannae bullshit and bullshitter, a nod he doubled down on the lie!   Thal wasn’t having any of it and set the bush next to him on fire which scared the bugger away.   Elves, eh? They don’t fuck around sometimes.   After that it was plain sailing up to Rivenspire, or whatever it’s called. Heck of a place, by human standards at least. Got to hand it to those bastards, they don’t hang around when it comes to getting shite done. Probably because they live about as long as a potato.   There’s not much to write about after that, found the name of the blacksmith, Prigg, who should be able to sharpen the rest of my axe. Might even be able to sell him Drimm’s blade too.   We made our way to Baron of the place, duke, head-shed, whatever the human rank is. Old bastard, his son is the brains of the operation these days.   Oh! Shite. Almost forgot. We stayed in a fancy-schmancy inn that served a cracking breakfast. The works! Even had black pudding. I was like a pig in shit, let me tell you. De-bloody-licious.   Where was I? Son of the duke was the right bloke to talk to.   How did we know? BECAUSE TORWYNN CAN FUCKING TALK TO OUR MINDS, THAT’S HOW.   Yeah, crazy elf Druid magic or some shite, buggered if I know how. All I know is when she’s not talking to Jeremy (her pet mouse, long story) or ripping the faces off spiders as a bear, she’s talking straight into my brain. MY BRAIN.   So we went to talk to Junior in private and he started blathering on about the symbols, old houses, infighting, his best mate is now his enemy or some bollocks. Won’t lie, I prefer to solve my problems with axe first, questions second. Anyhoo, the symbols we’d been seeing everywhere were turning up at the murders. Thal and Rynaar were interested at this and we offered to help solve the crimes.   Well, in my case, separate the murderer’s head from their shoulders with my axe.   Solving murder with murder. Magnificent.   I’ll write more later, some guard officer has just announced there’s been another murder! Time for us to investigate.   Inspector Kragg is on the case…

So, after a good night’s sleep at Roger’s boathouse off we set down the river. Won’t lie, a boat trip is pretty dull and the temptation to hoist Bort, the wee shitbag, over the side can grow pretty tempting. Lucky for him I’m a master of self-control and restraint.   Well, when there isn’t blood to be drawn and teeth to be had.   ANYWAY. After an uneventful first day we found a spot on the shore to camp. Set up the tents with Thal and Torwynn taking turns to keep watch. Glad those elves only need four hours of sleep each because I’m an eight-hour Dwarf and I cannae be doing without a full night’s rest. Especially when nothing happened until the next day.   So we’re pootling down the river and the air starts to become misty as shite, you can feel it closing in around you. Then sure enough we find a spooky-arse village on the shore. Three of us vote to investigate and so we do, and surprise, surprise it’s abandoned.   Off we go and investigate the place, Thal uses some weird holy magic to see into another plane and there’s shadows moving around there, all from the well in the centre of the village. We all peer in, can’t see shite so I decide to test Bort’s boomeraxe adjustments and throw it down the well.   We don’t hear it hit anything so I summon it back to my hand.   Does it return?   DOES IT BOLLOCKS.   Despite my seething rage at losing my axe I was very restrained when I told Bort just what in the name of bloody fuck I thought of the shitbag’s stupid arsewipe invention.   I’m all about jumping in after my axe but nooooo, everyone else just wanted to explore the village for clues while my precious baby was lost. Team player that I am, I waited by the well for the buggers to do whatever it is they wanted to do.   Then out of nowhere I start feeling sleepy and conk out. Let me tell you, I’ve never had a nightmare so bad. I ain’t gonnae write it down but it scared the living shite out of me, felt like I couldn’t escape until the others woke me up.   Well, until Bort woke me up.   By shocking me with his lightning hands.   THE WEE SHITBAG.   Anyway, I was awake, and I told Torwynn what I’d seen and she recognised it as a hag.   A HAG THE ELF BASTARD THAL DECIDED TO SUMMON USING A BLOOD RITUAL.   The hag was pissed off about being summoned into our realm, but not as pissed off as I was about having her in my dreams so there was only one way to settle this: with an axe to her face.   I say that, but the wicked witch was a wee bit too far for me so by the time I’d dashed over to her, Rynaar had already walloped her around the face with his staff. After taking BARELY A FEW SECONDS to catch my breath, I was about to swing at the witch but she created six copies of herself! Not to mention a couple of shade creatures that looked tortured. Poor bastards, they’d lost their souls to tha’ hag.   The next moments are a wee bit hazy but Torwynn transformed herself into a dire wolf, Bort pulled out one of his magic canons to start blasting, Rynaar hit everything that moved with his staff and Thal conjured up one of his spiritual holy weapons to start slashing at the hag’s copies and the souls.   Before we knew it, we’d found the true Hag and killed the souls (who seemed relived when we did) and began to trade blows.   Now, the Hag and I went at it. Me with my axe and her with her claws. Aye, she may…MAY have gotten in a few…A FEW lucky hits but if Torwynn tells you I knelt because of my injuries, don’t listen. I was kneeling OUT OF RESPECT for a worthy foe.   OUT.   OF.   RESPECT.   And the blood Thal healed off me wasnae my own…it was…the Hag’s. I was barely touched.   BARELY.   TOUCHED.   Clear? Good.   Anyhoo, after that the hag sucked us into her dream shadow plane. Cheeky witch tried the same thing with her shadow ghosties but we beat them, and then it was onto her.   Course, now that we were in the shadow plane, the boomeraxe started working again and I was able to call that baby back to my hand. Torwynn saw it coming and ducked out of the way, but the hag? Nope, she was cut by that beautiful thing.   This was the beginning of the end for her, an’ guess who finally separated her head from her shoulders?   AYE? ‘Twas me. YOU’RE WELCOME.   Strange thing too, the darkness of her world pulled her head into it, like it was after revenge. Best not to interfere with that but it did spit out one of her teeth. I’m not going to ask how the darkness knew, but it did, so… thank you. My dark friends.   Once that was over, we found ourselves back in the real world, in the village. It felt calm now, like the curse had been lifted. Until we saw a wee child standing by the well. Just a small lass, Jessica, holding a doll and missing her parents. ‘Course they were long gone, just like everyone else in the village. Torwynn took the lass under her wing and gathered some things of hers from her house while the rest of us (me) headed into the village tavern to rest.   But… the tavern was well stocked with ale and food! So we tucked in while we worked out what to do with Jessica.   Long and short of it is she’s going to start a new life with the old man and his wife back at the brewery.   With that settled, I turned in for the night. But when I woke up the king of the shitbags had woven a web trap above my bed!   I tried to sit up but was caught, hands and face trapped in stick web.   Course Bort, the wee shitbag, was standing and laughing. “Oh Kragg, you’re so strong, why don’t you break out of this weak old web.”   So I did.   Well, one arm did, anyway. Which was all I needed to grab the gnome bastard by the throat and lift him off the ground.   Rynaar came running in at this point so I threw Bort in his direction. Maybe not the most sensible thing to do, seeing as Half n’Half is a ninja monk person, and Rynaar instinctively (or so he says) deflected the oncoming Bort… out of the window.   Naturally, it didn’t take me long to break free of the rest of the web and head outside to where the shitbag had landed. I imagine he was expecting to be thrown back through a downstairs window but I just slapped him on the back instead.   He’d got me, all right. Got me good an’ proper. Fair play to the lad.   While that was happening, the old man and Tiny showed up to take Jessica back to Eldbury. Last I saw of her was heading the other way down the river playing with the doll she’d been given and the clockwork horse Bort had made her.   She’ll be alright, that one.   And with that, we’re off down the river again.      

A wild hag appears! Quick thinking, Rynaar parkours over the well and deals some bludgeoning damage. Torwynn sprints towards the hag and mid run transforms into a giant Dire Wolf. She goes to bite the hag and with the strength of her bite, knocks the Hag prone. She is so startled, she entirely misses her turn! Kragg then dashes over to join the party but stops to catch his breath before attacking. Bort whips out his cannon and leisurely walks over the action. Thal then pulls out his ‘Spiritual weapon’ but does jack shit. Rynaar is precise with his shots, dealing more damage. Torwynn then goes to take another bite but somehow misses entirely! In retaliation, the Hag then decides to do something and stands up, she then magically splits her form into 6. Two Shades also appear as backup. Kragg hits the closest form and dissipates it. The shade attempts, key word here, attempts, to drain the life force from Torwynn but misses. Bort launches a pebble at one of the forms and aims his cannon at a second form but misses. Thal tries to use his weapon to attack the closest form to him, but misses. His next attack lands on one of the shades. Rynaar attempts to attack the Hag but misses, but does end up dealing damage to the Shade in close proximity. He goes to swing another blow and reveals the real Hag form! Torwynn attacks the Shade again, deals some damage and knocks it prone. The Hag does nothing as Kragg approaches, pissing him off, so he swings his axe RECKLESSLY but MISSES? Both Shades do fuck all. Bort attacks the Hag with force damage and knocks it back 5ft. Thal deals some more damage with his spiritual weapon and cast Sacred Flame on the hag to deal a disappointing amount of radiant damage, but it somehow seems more effective? Rynaar, without hesitation swings his sword to deal more damage. Torwynn takes another bite at the shade but it just won’t die? The Hag takes a deadly swipe at Kragg, who retaliates by swinging his axe to deal some damage to the Hag. The shade deals some damage to Torwynn. Bort does nothing. Thal Sacred Flames the shade but misses, but uses his weapon to deal some damage and redeem himself. Rynaar thrusts his staff through the shade and takes the lil’shit out. Torwynn takes another bite and finally takes the Shade out and sprints over to block any way out for the Hag. The Hag and Kragg continue to take turns dealing blows to one another. Bort transports his cannon to reach a clear shot but misses. He moves in to surround the Hag even more. There will be no escape from the Laughing Axes! Rynaar jabs the Hag. Torwynn does a shit roll. The Hag is fixated on Kragg, dealing enough damage to take Kragg to his knees, but he staggers to his feet and deals an epic blow to the Hag, severely dropping his health.   Kragg’s note - I was kneeling out of respect for a worthy foe.   OUT OF RESPECT.   Bort uses his cannon to take a shot at the Hag, deal some force damage and knock the hag back closer to Torywnn. Despite his refusal, Thal heals Kragg and moves his spiritual weapon closer to the Hag. Rynaar does a wicked cool somersualt over Borts head to fully block the Hag in. Torywnn bites at the Hag but must have just scratched her cheek, as deals a miserable amount of damage. The Hag lets out a shriek, splits her form into 5, and suddenly the buildings start warping, purple fogs are created on the ground and two globulous masses of souls appear behind the party. One of the globs spurt some gas onto Torwynn which everyone except Kragg is quick enough to avoid the first time, Rynaar is hit the second time. Both are blinded. Bort, with his out of the box thinking, shoves, yes thats right, the little gnome shoves, the globeus mass into one of the purple smogs.Thal heals himself. Rynnar swings blindly literally to hit the hag form in front of him. It disaperates so he then moves in closer to one of the globs. Torwynn follows with a bite. Kragg takes a swing at the other glob. The globs are useless and do nothing. Bort reduces that same glob to a puddle and steals another of Kragg’s kills! Rynaar takes out the other one. Torwynn runs towards a potential Hag, takes a bite and it hits! Now that the Hags position is revealed, Kragg also dashes over and summons his axe, it flies across the town square and hits the Hag on the way. Borts and Thal join the fight, Thal dealing some more radiant damage. Rynaar, sensing the Hag has been found, also joins the party surrounding her and deals a flurry of blows to deal damage. Torwynn takes a bite at her with such force it knocks her prone. The Hag attempts to take a swing at Kragg but it backfires tremendously as she knocks into him in such a prime position for a beheading, which Kragg takes advantage of.   The party all bask in the glory of their accomplishment and feel a level up thrust upon them but it is short lived. They notice a small girl, no older than 7 hovering by the well looking teary. She asks where everyone is. Torwynn, feeling a sense of Dejavu and history repeating itself, sees herself in the young girl and immediately moves to comfort her, shifting back into her human form. With Rynaar following behind, she escorts the girl to her house to collect her belongings as she cannot stay there. She lingers to stare at a family photo of the girl and her parents, ensuring that this is picked up for the girl to take. The girl also takes a necklace from her parents room and asks to take it. Torwynn shows her that she also has a necklace from her mother to remember her by, and asks her her name as she escorts her to meet back up with the party. The party are outside looting the town. They find a glowing item (didn’t hear what it was).   Kragg has noticed a stocked tavern nearby. The party ponder about their next step. Bort stays behind and goes on the hunt for a clock. Probably for some tickering stuff. He then returns and offers Jessica some honey. It doesn’t take long for Rynaar to notice that the girl has had waaayy too much honey and is just covered in it. He leads her to a sink to wash herself. The party decide what to do with Jessica and ask if she has any family nearby. She doesn’t. Torwynn decides to go back to the house to investigate whilst Rynaar and Thal head to the roof to *chill*.   YE WEE SHITBAG! rings out throughout the tavern and startles everyone awake. Kragg has awoken trapped beneath Bort’s web cloak and the two exchange a flavourful conversation which results in Bort being strangled in a death grip and thrown against Rynaar who has now appeared in the doorway of the room to see what the commotion is. Torwynn and Jessica are downstairs preparing breakfast for the party. They phone the Brewery using their sending stones and arrange for the old man to come and collect Jessica. He is very grateful. To pass the time, Kragg retells his stories of his teeth trophies.

The party continue on through the forest. They hear a whisper in the winds to alert them that they are looking for a night blossom. As they ponder to what this even looks like, or where they heard it from, they are surprised by another round of spiders!   The surrounding cocoons erupt to reveal swarms of baby spiders! Torwynn takes out the closest spider to her in her restrained brown bear form by biting and swiping at her claws. Kragg takes a reckless swipe of his trusty axe and lands a critical hit! He takes a hefty amount of damage but the gross spider still looks great. How is this possible? He must be a big daddy! Some of his little buddies come in to defend their papa. The swarm closes in and attacks Thal. He takes a heavy hit! Meanwhile, a large beastie attacks Kragg and shoots web to restrain him. Thal casts an awesome spiritual weapon but misses miserably. Another swarm of the pesky spider babies goes to attack Bort’s nifty mechanical cannon and climb into all the little nooks and crannies. Torwynn turns her head to bite and swipe at the swarm of babies behind her. She swallows them up like a whale guzzling plankton. Rynaar uses his staff to trip over a giant spider who has crept up behind him. The force of his blow leaves the spider with 4 broken spindly spider legs. Bort then offers support and sends a blow of fire at the giant spider. The party all smell the stench of barbequed Spider meat as it collapses to the floor. He then sends a signal to his cannon to also scorch another Spider who is with the baby spider swarm. Must be their mummy. In a reckless fit of rage, Kragg slices through the Ettacap he has been whittling down since the beginning. As it falls, Kragg grabs his head and grotesquely pulls out a bloody tooth. Guts and blood spill all over the clearing. Torwynn manages to free herself from the webs and makes a bolt towards the closest tree which she then climbs. Rynaar then advances towards Borts cannon to attack the spider’s mummy that is supervising the infesting swarm. He bludgeons it on the head with his staff and then hardboots it into the shrubbery. Bort then defends his cannon and shoots another round of fire blasts to thin the crowd surrounding it. He then whips out his slingshot and uses his JUST ONE of his new ball bearings to shoot with immense precision. The ball bearing is fired with such thought and consideration that it bounces off one spider at time until they are all knocked dead. Kragg swings another critical shot with his faithful axe to hit the closest spider. It takes a heck of a lot of damage but still remains standing. Thal takes a swing at the last giant spider remaining and slits through the plump abdomen. Kragg looks on in disappointment, the party swear they see a tear dribble down his cheek lamenting his stolen kill, but his sadness is promptly replaced by anger when Thal casts a healing potion to restore his health. Suddenly, Torwynn plunges down from the tree and as she does, opens her powerful jaws and lands on top of the spider below. Her teeth squeeze into the spiders abdomen and blood dribbles out of the puncture marks as the spider takes its last gasp. Hardly a hesitation, she then goes to swipe at the swarm of spiders also nearby. She thanks Thal who grants her some extra health. Kragg, in his reckless state, takes multiple swipes at the last remaining swarm of baby spiders. Thal looks around and sees the last remaining cocoon. He shoots a sacred flame in the general direction but without much precision so it misses. Perhaps he was too far away. Kragg then charges with speed at it with a crazed look in his eye. He swipes with his axe and the cocoon tumbles down. Luckily, this one must have been empty!   The air around the party becomes clearer and lighter. Bort whacks out his mysterious jug and runs his fingers slowly across the rim. Somehow it turns into honey! Torwynn comes bumbling up and quickly laps up the whole jug.   The party takes a short rest to restore health, and to pillage the webs. Torwynn finds an Amulet of the Brood Mother.   The party continue on. They stumble across a seemingly religious stone statue which exudes power. As they approach, the statue opens an eye and speaks in riddles about the balance of nature to allow them to pass. Being the druid she is, Torwynn immediately assumes the spotlight and answers almost instantaneously. Kragg jokes about her being a treehugger. The vines covering the wall dissipate into the Earth and allows access through. The party discover silvery blue mushrooms. Torwynn grabs a handful and Kragg without hesitation takes a bite. He tells us that his dark vision is extended. The party each takes one. The party also see sap oozing out of the ground. Torwynn recognises this as an ingredient with similar properties as a healing potion. She alerts Bort who collects this into his jug. Kragg spots some moss on the floor and again, without hesitation takes a bit. He feels more sneaky. Torwynn advances forward and pulls the tendrils out of a mysterious blossom in the center of the clearing, assuming this is what the party heard a whisper about earlier.   As they return to Tom, they see him with a weary smile. Torwynn presents the tendrils to him. His voice is thick with emotion and gratitude. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a worn charm - shaped like an oak leaf on a leather strap, a gilded acorn and a gilded flower. Torywnn snatches the gilded items out of his hands, chuffed she has finally gotten her hands on what she traveled to Eldbury for. The spiders were worth it! Tom asks about the moss. The party looks confused. Who picked it up? Thal quickly changes to subject to remind Tom he also promised him some of the quote-unquote ‘’good shit’’. He and Tom have a lengthy chat about the properties. The party hands Torwynn the amulet from Tom as its more beneficial to her (being a druid). The party ask Tom to make greater healing potions with the sap. They will be ready the next day.   The party then return to their brewery to rest. Kragg and Thal discuss religion jargon. Thal and Rynaar then smoke ‘’the good shit’’. Torywnn looks at her collection of shit. Bort tinkers with his bits and bobs. Whilst the party sleeps, Kragg has a dream. He meets Danté. When he wakes he is holding his red crystal which is quickly stashed away. He looks a little nervous and quietly takes a guzzle from his tankard.   The party travell to Old Tom once more to collect their potions. Kragg hesitantly asks about Danté. Tom recalls he is an ancient Demi-God but offers no further useful information. Not even when the party explain that they are on their way to Riverspire.   A days walk to the river later, the party arrive at a dock. They are greeted by a dodgy old man. With a very poor Wiltshire accent. Fisher Roger. The party small talk about fish to try and warm the man up and convince him into lending them a boat. Thal and Rynaar take the lead in negotiating a better deal for the boat. Torywnn is unimpressed with Fisher Roger so walks out of the house and sets off into the wild. She shifts into a cat to hunt some delicious mice for dinner, does a long stretch, climbs a tree and loafs until dawn. She wakes up barely hanging onto the branch in her human form.   The party wake up and set off in the boat. The day's journey is uneventful. The party moor their boat into a ledge to rest. Thal and Torywynn take turns to keep watch. Nothing happens. What a leisurely travel it has been! Another day passes, however, the party approach a fog on their third day of travel. There is a sharp, unnatural chill and the party spot a quaint hamlet perched on the river’s edge. A sense of wrongness washes over the party. There is a vote on board the ship on whether to investigate or leave it. The ayes have it. Upon pulling up to a boat house, it is evident that something dark happened here. Everything seems to have been mysteriously abandoned mid-task without cause. There are no signs of life.   Thal casts a spell which lets him see into the Ethereal Plane. He discovers there is something dodgy going on in the well situated in the town center. He warns the party and Kragg throws one of his prized axes down but it does not return. So much for loyalty! Bort discovers childrens drawings of haunched creatures and villagers with their eyes crossed out. Rynaar and Thal discovers dream catchers. The party begin to feel drowsy. Kragg and Bort have a horrifying dream. They dream of a Severus Snape/Gollum/Trickster-like figure. Bort is frightened awake but Kragg is hit by psychic damage due to the trauma he is experiencing. Rynaar, Thal and Torwynn continue to investigate. Thal finds rituals that allow the caster to bind their spirits to the Ethereal Plane. It looks like some dark shit as it requires blood sacrifice. Bort shocks Kragg awake just as Thal returns to relay to the party what he found. He volunteers as tribute to perform the ritual. The party hear a terrifying sound nearby. It sounds like a hag. Thal decides to perform the ritual sooner rather than later. He is greeted by what looks like the hag. She is truly a grotesque sight to behold and sounds super creepy. Her grin seems incredibly predatory.   Why is TBC ‘to be confirmed’, not ‘to be continued’?  

Right, where was I?   Sitting on spider carcasses that were stolen from me by an elf bastard, if memory (and the wee read back I just did) serves.   Well surprise, sur-fuckin-prise, the deeper we walked into the forest after that little fracas, the more webbed up and creepy the trees became. Didn’t take a smart-arse wizard to tell you that we were getting closer to the eight-legged bastards’ nest.   Of course, I wasn’t paying enough bloody attention and I trod in a web trap on the ground. Out of nowhere, more of the spider buggers suddenly dropped from the trees so it was time to make amends for not killing enough of ‘em earlier.   Well, I would’ve done if I hadn’t been stuck to the bloody ground and face to face with a giant half-human, half-spider creature who looked to be their leader.   (Torwynn, the Druid lass, would tell me later it was called an Ettercap).   I say was because it’s now a sodding ex-ettercap. Aye, I cut myself free and then freed the ettercap from all the lumeros-damned blood out of its throat with my axe. Even ripped out a tooth as the shite fell to the ground.   THAT’S HOW YOU KILL SPIDERS, NOT WITH YOUR FANCY ARSE ELF SPELLS OR TOY FLAMETHROWERS.   And while I was doing my job and killing the big man, the others were working through the spiders that had dropped down. Bort had his wee flame throwing gadget cooking ‘em, Thal was doing the same with his holy fire and Torwynn was up and down trees as bear ripping off faces and tearing ‘em up with her claws.   Rynaar did his thing with that long stick of his but don’t think I didn’t see the jessie half n’ half run away to heal up after he took a few scratches through the fight. WIMPY BASTARD.   ‘Course I was just fine, thank you very much. Barely a scratch. All those spiders trying to bite my arse but newsflash, ya bawbags, you cannae poison a stone.   Definitely didn’t need Thal’s healing moon ray or whatever the bollocks he used. Nope.   AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS A LIAR.   Just a few wee scratches, was all I took.   SCRATCHES.   Anyhoo, once the spider buggers were all dead, the forest cleared itself up. Funny how magic works.   So we searched the area. Bort pulled out his jug and it filled with honey. I’d tell you how it tasted but filling a jug with honey while our Druid is a FUCKING BEAR meant the honey lasted about as long as it took you to read this.   I found some poison in the ettercap’s glands so I’m going to use it on my axe when I’m fighting some really nasty buggers and Bort gathered up some of the spider’s thread to sew himself a cloak. It’s going to make the sneaky little shitbag and extra sneaky little shitbag, at least that what Bort claims.   After guzzling all the honey, Torwynn turned back into a happy looking elf and found herself a bone amulet. She seemed quite taken with it, so fair fucks, she can keep it.   Finally we sat still long enough to feel rested and then deeper into the forest we headed. That was until we came across a statue. Beautiful looking thing it was, carved by a master let me tell you.   UNTIL IT OPENED ITS FUCKING EYES.   Gave us a riddle too. I’m not gonna tell you what it was because before the thing had finished speaking it, Torwynn had solved it, and the vines behind it were suddenly parting into a gateway into a grove. I put it down to some Druid tree hugging shite. Maybe in the forest made her extra smart or something, I don’t know.   Anyway, in the grove we found the thing Old Tom needed to do whatever forest cleansing shite he needed and also some mushrooms (very tasty, i took a bite and could see for miles!) and moss off a stone (also ate that but I didn’t feel anything apart from wanting to slink around a bit). Also some golden sap, buggered if we knew what it did but I wasn’t allowed to eat it. YET.   SO.   Took it all back to Old Tom, who said he could turn the sap into some healing potions which we could pick up the next day, thanked us for saving the forest, gave Torwynn her gilded stuff and an amulet and she snatched those things up like an Elf possessed. I shite ye not, she’s part magpie, that one.   Thal bought some herbs to smoke then had the audacity to bollock me for saying Lumeros’ name. Honestly, I don’t know what these surface folk are on sometimes. Strange customs.   After that Bort managed to convince Torwynn to show him the charm long enough to have a wee gander at it. Apparently it can help you talk to animals if you’re a Druid. Would’ve thought the tree huggers could do that anyway but the more you know I suppose.   Should’ve given it to me so I could’ve told those damn spiders you cannae poison a stone.   Then we went back to the brewery to rest for the night, after swinging by the church from the other day for Thal to check something. Buggered if I know what he was looking for (probably some pain demon the kinky fuck) but he didn’t find a thing.   RIGHT.   Had another one of those dreams. The wake up with the red crystal in my hand kind. Same bloke standing the other side of the sea calling my name, so I asked him his. Says he’s called Dante. Never heard of the bugger, wonder if he’s my ancestor? Seems strange given he’s so tall but some dwarves have a height complex so maybe he’s one of ‘em? Unless one of my great great etc etc grandmas had a wee fling with a human. Not that I’d blame the bloke, my line is known for our lustrous beards, I bet hers was impossible to resist.   Long story, short, this Dante bastard said he wanted to show off his power so he switched the dream back to the mountain. Very impressive, it felt like I was back home, and no one’s gonna be able to do that unless they’re an ancestor if you ask me.   Then I asked him to really show he was powerful by waking me up.   He did! Stupid bastard, fell for the oldest trick in the book.   Won’t lie though, I’d been holding that crystal tight this time, had cut my hand on it’s edge. Couldn’t see any blood though, which was odd.   So I asked the gang if they were having weird dreams - that weren’t from the crazy shit Thal and Rynaar were smokin’ - and they said no. None of them had heard of a Dante bloke either so maybe he is an ancestor of mine.   Next up was a trip to Old Tom to pick up the healing potions. While we were there I asked him about Dante. He said Dante was some kind of Demi God and I had to read up on him in the Rivenspire library.   READ?!   LIBRARY?!   Fuck me backwards. I think next time I’ll just have a chat with him in my dreams.   Felt like we’d done all we could in Eldbury so we headed up to the river to try and take a boat to Rivenspire. Got to a fisherman’s place and Rynaar is a closet capitalist, let me tell you. Any chance to try and make a buck, ol’ half n’half is about it. Fair play to the lad, got to give him credit for trying.   I got grumpy when the fisherman, Roger, called Torwynn an elf bitch because she got bored and wandered off. Fuck him. No one speaks to a woman like that, especially not my friend. Only I get to insult the elves in my party, PAL.   After a small negotiation between Roger, myself and my axe(S), we’re going to stay the night and if Dante shows up we’ll have a wee chinwag about life.   Bort convinced me to work his magic on one of my hand axes. I watched the little shitbag the whole time but he’s done something to it that always makes it come back to my hand after I throw it. Like a boomerang.   A BOOMERAXE.   Like I said, he’s still a wee shitbag, but he’s a good wee shitbag. They all are. The elves, the half n’ half… they’re good people.   Right, going to get my arse to sleep.   Tomorrow we head off down the river, what could possibly go wrong?

So.   I’m writing this while sitting on a corpse of a big, fuck-off spider. I’m surrounded by five other spider corpses and covered in three different spiders’ guts.   And I didnae kill a single bloody one!   That’s what I get for signing up with a posse of kill-stealing wankers with a habit of finishing off everything I soften up for ‘em.   Aye, and I couldn’t be happier. Not that I’ll tell them that.   I’m watching Bort, the wee shitbag that he is, repair the walking flamethrower he somehow manages to keep in his pocket. Torwynn, bustling around eagerly trying to encourage us to get our arses in gear because the sooner we sort out the forest problem the sooner she gets her hands on some gilded trinkets, Rynaar is waving his staff around (not that staff you dirty bastards!) in a strange rehearsal for the next fight and Thal is making sure everyone is healed up while trying to pretend the magic books we keep finding are just regular holy tomes or something. Buggered if I know what he’s really playing at, but I don’t care.   How did we get here?   Well after I scribbled down some notes after we spoke to that fancy-schmancy Lysander fop, we kept on drinking in the pub. Overheard a couple of blokes complaining about a haunting at the brewery, and not just any brewery but the Eldbury Brewery. Aye, that one, the one that brews some of the finest ale outside of the mountain.   Apparently the lady who ran the gig lived in the flat above the barrels so we decided to go and see if we could help the wee ghostie problem and get the free beer.   Then someone said we needed to swing by the mayor’s place to get our reward for killing the goblins first. FINE. I quickly finished off everyone’s drinks for them and off we went.   Fancy-Schmancy was right, mayor gave us a big sack of gold and told us we had to let the Duke of Whitmore, Whitemere? Whitmere? know what was up. I don’t have much time for the political backstabbing of the lords and ladies, I’m much more of an axe to the face kind of negotiator, but I’ll definitely give that lil’ pass phrase secret code thing a whirl.   Or bring out one of my negotiation tools.   Anyway, I think the gold we had in our pockets was heavier than our resident wee shitbag by this point so we clinked our way up to the brewery. And what a brewery it was! It’s a grand old place, wall to wall barrels, hops and barley in the air and the grand old Eldbury crest above the entrance.   We were met by an old (for a human) lady, who was the owner of the place and daughter of the master brewer who passed away a few months ago. Course she denied any whispering of a haunting but after some axe-free persuasion by Torwynn and Rynaar she agreed to give us a tour of the place. Won’t lie, I took advantage of the free samples on offer but it didn’t take a genius to know there was something off about the first batch of ale…then the second…all the way up to the fifth. Aye, I had to try all of ‘em to be sure, and sure I was.   So I broke it to the old lass gently and told her it was absolute shite.   Not quite sure why my delicate touch and delivery of the news caused her to burst into tears but that’s humans for ya. She moaned about how she’d followed her old man’s recipe to the letter but something wasn’t right and the brew was, as I’d accurately put it, fucking shite. Clearly something was up, so we decided to investigate.   Well, everyone apart from me. I decided to do some more quality assurance testing of the product to make sure it wasn’t all shite.   Until I got dragged along to the basement cellar by Thal. Rynaar and Bort had taken the winch lift down because gnomes love a tinker while Torwynn went with Margaret (that’s the old human lass) to see if there was anything in her office.   A few more quality assurance samples later and Torwynn and Margaret joined us, with a journal and another one of those it’s-just-a-holy-book-but-its-not-really-is-it-Thal? tomes. Interesting wee read, that journal. Spoke of Margaret’s dad, maybe her grandad, I was only SLIGHTLY tipsy at this point so hard to remember which one, anyway they were acting like a crazy bastard, which is the important part.   Didn’t have time to ask much more because Torwynn was already trying to prize off a wall panel with a crowbar she’d found.   Fuck me sideways, when that panel came off the air changed, I felt…well…I was this close to shitting myself. WHICH I PUT DOWN TO THE ALE.   Had a vision then, all of us did. Of a young lad being sacrificed on an altar. Guess we’d found the magic ingredient in the brew. But then the shite really hit the fan because a Lumos-damn shadow monster rose from the ground. All whispy and smoky and damn near impossible to slice through with an axe. Bugger brought a few friends too.   All I knew was in that moment I had to get my arse as far away from that bastard thing so I ran. WHICH I ALSO PUT DOWN TO THE ALE.   Naturally, being the quick thinker that I am, I styled it out by saying I’d left my axe in the corner of the room and had to pick it up before I cut the shadow bastards a new one. Everyone believed me. EVERYONE.   Well, you can guess what happened next. The damn shadows started trying to suck our souls out through our faces, with Ruynaar’s being especially delicious by the looks of what it did to him. Thal, the scared bastard, ran into a corner and started throwing fire at ‘em. I WASN’T SCARED IT WAS THE ALE.   Bort pulled out a canon that looked like a flamethrower but started blasting magic energy at the buggers but missed every time. HA! Little shitbag literally couldn’t hit a pisshead in a brewery.   The craziest thing was Torwynn changing into a giant fucking hyena! Knew there was something up with her and now we found it, she’s a bloody shapeshifting, tree hugging, leaf munching Druid! Explains her magpie instincts, for sure. Anyway, she’s piling into the shadows, laughing like a hyena…because she was a hyena…you know what I mean… and ripping up the shadows with her teeth while I charge in, my ancestors by my side and slice my way through every damn cloud in front of me until I separated the gassy head from the gassy neck of the big bad bastard.   Yay. Woo. Aye. Saved the brewery but were there any teeth? NO. Because shadows don’t have teeth. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DON’T.   Great.   We looted the sacrificial chamber and there were some gems there, a dagger which Thal took and the snazziest, jazziest, most ornate tankard I’ve ever seen. Sure the bloke’s face on the front could’ve looked happier but I didn’t care. I found it, it was mine. Of course, there was a brief negotiation where I informed everyone that the tankard was mine and that I’d chop in half any bugger who disagreed.   The vote was unanimous. I had me a new tankard. Result! Strapped it to my belt next to my pouch.   After that, we went up to tell Margaret we’d solved her ale problem and that the solution was human sacrifice. Oh, and her Da (or Grand Da) was a dark nut-job who loved a bit of young lad murder.   Not quite sure what happened next but she gave us gold, which we then gave back in exchange for the key and deed to the brewery!   Yep, I now own a brewery. Or a third of a brewery. Right? That’s what happens when you split something by five.   We named it the Laughing Axe after the two lasses that won us the place (Torwynn the Hyena and my weapon), and it’s stuck as the name of our possee too.   Kragg Einarsson, proprietor of the Laughing Axe Brewery. Has a nice ring to it, no?   Yeah, I had to promise not the drink the place dry that night. So we went to sleep in our new flat above the place.   What next? Oh yeah, had another strange dream. Didn’t write about it last time because a dream’s a dream, right? But when you have the same dream two nights in a row and you can talk in it? There’s some strange shite afoot. So I’m standing on a beach, at least I think it’s a beach, never been to one. Then there’s this blood red ocean in front of me and this tall shadowy human calling my name.   So I tell the lazy bastard to bring his arse closer to me if he’s interested.   He then replies soon I’ll come to him.   Ha! Wanker.   Then I woke up.   Had that wee red crystal in my hand when I woke up too, buggered if I know how it got there. Must’ve been counting my teeth before I passed out and not put it back in the pouch.   What next? Oh yeah, Torwynn, Thal and Rynaar insisted we interview all the employees for their positions. Boring as arse if you want my opinion but I sat through it, doing some more quality testing with my new tankard. Funny thing, the more I drank out of it, the less it affected me. I think…I think…it’s a magic cup that keeps me sober!   Probably cursed as well but hey ho, rough with the smooth.   Didn’t pay much attention during the interviews until a dwarf showed up. Fella and I traded insults in dwarvish, he knew the handshake of our people, so I told the confused faces looking at me he was a good bastard and we should keep him.   Spent the rest of the day interviewing people and once the management crew were happy, we headed out back into Eldbury so Bort could buy a pair of sending stones so we could keep in touch while we were out adventuring.   After some blah blah bollocks bollocks have the jewels we found and some gold you swindling bastard with your dragon smoke pipe blah blah we (by which I mean Bort) bought the stones.   Then with the stones in our pockets, off we went to see another bloke called Old Tom who apparently could sell gilded shite to Torwynn. Once we got there it all made sense, because it was a tree hugger’s paradise. All vines and bark and shite.   Course there’s no way Old Tom the Bastard Wanker will just sell us stuff, we’ve got to solve the problem in the forest first.   Fine by me, it meant there was probably stuff to kill.   I think it was on that walk we decided to call our posse the Laughing Axes. I like it, makes me feel part of something. Didn’t have much time to dwell on it because the forest started to close in on us and before we knew it we were surrounded by spiders. The biggest bastard spiders you ever saw.   Yes!   Well, that was until one of the fuckers webbed my arse to the ground. All I could do was swing from the waist at anything that came close, or chuck an axe at ones far away. I got a few good hits in but not enough to finish the job. I MIGHT have missed one with a thrown axe and that’s why it was stuck in the tree. Worst thing? I had to watch Rynaar literally catch a web that was spat at him and just toss it to the ground, and watch Bort and Thal burn the other spiders and Torwynn change into a FUCKING BEAR this time and rip up the spiders while I was…stuck.   Not only did I not get a kill, Thal sent his magic floaty holy spirity cheater’s weapon to cut me loose.   AFTER THE FUCKING FIGHT HAD ENDED YOU ELF BASTARD.   So that’s why I’m writing this on the top of a spider I didn’t kill, covered in guts.   I bloody love this lot.

Shite. Shite, shite, shite.   All I wanted to do was see Drim, get my axe sharpened, have some ale and leave but noooooo, there just had to be a catastrophe that’s sucked my arse into a plot between religious nut jobs and the fancy-schmancy nobles I was hoping to avoid.   Right, where to begin?   Rocked up to the Skyfire Festival. Which, to be fair, was a laugh. Got me some dragon on a skewer, ale in my belly and found Drim hawking his wares. Grumpy old bastard still drives as hard a bargain as he ever did but managed to get him to agree to sharpen my axe for 30 gold. 15 up front and 15 on collection, plus a loan of the axe he’d just forged.   I’d never tell the git but it was a damn fine piece of craftsmanship, and the engraving is bloody magnificent, the balance perfect and the edge sharp enough to shave a gnome’s arse.   …but that doesn’t make it MY axe. I crafted her, and she’ll stay by my side thank you very much.   Well, after she’s been sharpened.   So, while Drim was off sharpening my axe, I had a wander around the place. Saw a couple of elves floating about like they do, the buggers seem to dance rather than walk. It’s a strange movement. Anyway, there was a lad and a lass. The lad was called Thal (yeah, I’ll get to how I knew their names later), religious nut-job but good with a healing spell and isn’t adverse to a bit of pain. Kinky bastard. The lass was called Torwynn, white hair and loves a shiny thing. Probably some strange elf-magpie thing. I try not to get involved in that shite but she’s a bloody good shot with a short bow.   Then there was this olive skinned bloke wearing a hooded cloak because that seems to be tall-folk fashion outside the mountain. Thought he was human at first then the hood fell off and the bugger had pointy ears. The religious nut-job elf was dismissive of him so I figure he’s half’n half. Either way, his name’s Rynaar and he’s handy with a staff.   The last of ‘em was a little gnomish shitbag called Bort. Dirty rat shocked me when we shook hands. I swear to Lumos I will never understand their sense of humour. I won’t forget that smug little grin when he beat the bloke running the dice stall. Wanker.   So I went with Thal, the nut-job, into a herbalist’s store and had a chat with the old lady there. Cheeky witch tried to sell me a green potion of “healing” for 50 gold! Said I wanted to cut the elf and see if it healed him. Thal said yes (and that’s how I know he’s a kinky bastard) but she said no.   THEN, Thal does some drug deal with her and gets a wee bag of herbs to smoke.   Long story short, I’ve decided that Thal might be a religious zealot but he’s a good bloke. Herbalist lady? Not so much. She’s dodgy as fuck, but does brew a tasty cup of tea.   Saw Torwynn pottering around looking at shiny stuff too, that’s how I know she’s part magpie.   Couldn’t do much more because the fireworks kicked off then. Found my way back to the bar while the show was happening and had a few brews with Rynaar. All very good until the end, when there were a few strange symbols that filled the sky and I won’t lie, it made my stomach feel like it was about to throw up the six pints I’d just knocked back.   Didn’t have much time to think about it because a horde of goblins charged out from the alleyways and started attacking.   Don’t know what they were thinking charging into to party where there was a dwarf with three axes about his person but goblins aren’t the sharpest tools in the smithy.   So we had four goblins, two hobgoblins and a bugbear. Easy enough, but I wasn’t expecting the others to be so bloody quick to act!   Don’t know how he did it but shitbag Bort somehow catapulted two of the herbalist’s flasks at the goblins. The first hit the bugbear and it suddenly started breathing fire. FANTASTIC.   But…the second flask hit a goblin and poisoned its face. WITH A GREEN LIQUID! I knew that herbalist was dodgy. KNEW IT. Can’t bullshit a bullshitter, lass.   Anyway, before I could swing my axe Rynaar got stuck in with his staff and I shit you not I’ve never seen a flurry of blows so fast. In the middle of it another goblin shot an arrow that he plucked out of the air and threw it right back, into the goblin’s eye and killed the bugger! Fair play.   I saw Torwynn take a shot with her bow and that stuck another goblin between the eyes and it fell back dead.   While all this is happening Rynaar damn near breaks another one in half and the poison gets the better of another.   All that’s left is the fire breathing bugbear and MY AXE.   But of course it wasn’t my axe, it was Drim’s axe and I hadn’t adjusted to the balance so my first swing missed but the SECOND swing was a beauty, and I almost chopped that bugbear in half. And just as I was trying to wriggle Drim’s axe free from the bugbear’s spine, dickhead shitbag kill stealer Bort threw a PEBBLE and finished the job.   So I cannae claim the kill.   UGH.   SO that left one goblin, who legged it.   Didnae get a single bloody kill.   And even when that goblin was caught and started blabbing about a Grug who gave it the orders, Torwynn simply shot him. I like her style, but she could’ve waited for me. Decided if I couldn’t get a kill, I could at least get some loot and I found 12 gold on the bugbear and a book. Strange for ‘em to have a book, especially one with the same symbols we saw in the sky. Thal started drooling at the sight of it so I chucked him the book - it’s no use to me anyway. Rynaar looked grumpy at this, but it didn’t bother me so I shrugged and went to find Drim and my axe.   Could I find him? Could I bollocks. Grumpy old coward had fled, and I had a moment where I thought he’d taken my axe with him. Thank FUCK he hadn’t, but the wanker hadn’t finished the sharpening job. On the plus side I now have two great axes as well as my two hand axes. Reckon I can flog Drim’s for a healthy profit too - once I clean the blood off it.   Thal was muttering about the book being holy but not important, I muttered back that I didn’t care.   After that, the woman told us that Valaris, the sage, was in charge of the fireworks so the group of us decided to go and pay the bugger a visit. On the way we introduced ourselves and that’s when Bort the Bastard shocked me.   I’ll be honest, I should’ve gone to the tavern instead of this big marquee full of devices and crap to shoot fireworks into the sky. All I heard was blah blah blah bollocks bollocks bollocks blah blah I like to burn stuff because I’m a lunatic blah blah draw some symbols blah blah not supposed to be there.   YAWN.   Only thing of any interest was a young sage who blabbed about hearing monsters in an old church which may be connected. I saw it as an excuse to get a kill or two so I was up for it.   I was also up for the idea of finding a tavern for the night first, especially if Rynaar was paying. So we dragged our arses off the the Thirsty Dragon Inn, got ourselves a room and then drank and ate the night away. Gonna be honest, I don’t remember too much of what happened next but I had a bloody good time with some bloody good ale until I passed out and woke up face down on the floor of our room.   Think we spoke about why we had found our ways to Eldbury? I remember oversharing, think Thal said he was a pilgrim, bit like me. Torwynn was here to find something for her mentor but was suspicious of seeing another elf. I think. Things are fuzzy. Rynaar’s a traveller and Bort’s here for the technology behind the display. I think. Maybe.   I’ll remember to ask them when I’m sober.   Had the weirdest dream too. That’ll be what I get for eating dragon. So the next morning, I wake up with a wee hint of a hangover and I’m forced to watch Bort make some water appear in a jug. Buggered if I know what his smug little face was expecting me to say, so off I went to the privy to throw my guts up and make space for breakfast.   Breakfast was meat and eggs. Delicious, even if I didn’t know what the meat was. Rynaar, the greedy bastard, started pinching food off other people’s plates. Could at least have left some for me.   Anyway, with full bellies (SOME MORE FULL THAN OTHERS, HALF’N HALF) we wandered off to the church. Took a couple of hours but I’m nae bothered, I had my axes spread the weight evenly.   When we arrived the church was derelict. Sad to see the old girl that way, which only goes to prove the old saying that you can’t trust a human with a stone. Honestly, I sweat they wouldn’t know how to look after craftsmanship like that even if it was tattooed on their arses. Wankers. Think that was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in a while.   Torwynn seemed to agree in her own way, as she began looking through the broken glass for a piece to keep, telling us this was an church of Umbra before she found the one she was looking for.   Thal then gave me some kind of blessing. Felt good and I felt I wanted to take the initiative for once. He’s a good lad, but still a strange one because he then said that the church was old. I gave him a look and said no shit! Honestly, these buggers have no clue about proper masonry.   Still feeling I should take the initiative I wandered up and an into the broken entrance to the church, immediately overhearing more goblins shouting at each other that we’d ruined their plans and ruined their day.   A day I decided to make much worse.   Or at least I would’ve had everyone not rushed in ahead of me, the wankers. I know my legs ain’t as long but that doesn’t mean I can’t keep up. OH! And fancy-pants Thal burned one to the goblins to a crisp with some sacred holy flame bollocks before I could blink, then Rynaar smacks another one into a wall with his staff until there was only the big, bad leader left. Who, by the way, threw a javelin into Thal’s side. Hopefully this’ll teach the elf to wait for me next time.   Finally I did get to face off with the big goblin, who I made think I’d killed the bugbear too (WHICH I PRACTICALLY DID) who turned out to be his girlfriend. Look, I like a beard as much as the next dwarf but that bugbear’s was hideous, by Lumos.   Anyway, it was funny to watch Rynaar’s staff thwack against the big gobin and do sweet fuck all to it, followed up by Torwynn’s dagger missing his head. Now that I had MY axe back in my hands I could show them how to do it, and with one very reckless swing I sliced through the critical point on the big goblin.   ...his spine.   Before his body was fully separated from his waist he blurted out something about the real power coming for us next. Uh uh, whatever you say, princess. Have a nice nap and thanks for the tooth.   17! Result.   Had a rummage in the two halves of the goblin an found a shiny pouch with 200 gold. That’s 40 each (I’m an arsehole sure, but an honest arsehole) and I gave the pouch to Torwynn who went full magpie with it. Buggered if i know what she was looking for but she seemed happy enough.   While I’m doing that Thal has another nut-job moment and burns a skeleton on the broken altar at the back of the church, and Rynaar is there with him. THEN he burns another symbol at the back of the church behind the altar.   But no, he’s just a regular holy man, doing regular holy things, because of course he is.   I think it was at that moment I decided to stick around with this lot. Sure they’re all bonkers in their own way but it’s going to make my journey much more interesting. So now they’ve got themselves a dwarf warrior by their sides.   Anyway, off we went to report the great success back to the town when outside an inn there was another bloke in a hood smoking a pipe. Posh boy, clearly noble and another half’n half. Obviously everyone was suspicious but he offered to buy drinks and looked rich, I was willing to give him a shot until the money ran out. Not to mention my axe is an equal opportunities decapitator. A neck is a neck.   Usual blah blah bollocks bollocks followed but the gist of what my new, rich friend was saying was that there was more to these symbols than met the eye, the crown was involved somehow involved and we’re to say a secret phrase when we get to Whitmere (or something).   “May the harvest be plentiful this season.”   Stupid thing to say if I’m honest, it’s pretty obviously you want a harvest to be plentiful every year.   Then Thal said something about Shadowborn? Maybe. I was pretty drunk again.   Didn’t catch much else. Said his name was Lysander Drake, his family is owed what’s theirs by right, which is pretty much what every fancy-schmancy says.   All I know is he’s bought me booze and I’ve got a gang of new mates to hang around with for a while.      

Right, first things first. I’ve woken up and I can’t remember a bloody thing.   Nae bother, it’s not the first time it’s happened and it won’t be the last. I’d put it down to good ale and good company if I could remember either. Anyway, I checked my pouch and found a few more teeth, but I hav’nae a clue where they’re from so I threw them away. Can’t pass on the knowledge if I can’t bloody remember it! But it does say I had a helluva night if at least three things died by my axe.   That ale must’ve been stronger than I thought.   Also in the pouch was a wee red crystal. Strange thing, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’ll be buggered if I know how it got there, but seeing as there isn’t an angry elf or some fancy-schmancy human noble battering my door down to claim it I’m going to say it’s mine. The brothers in the gem guild will know what to do with it, so I’ll keep it about my person until I’m home.   Shite, better drag my arse off to that festival. Drim’s going to be an even grumpier bastard if I’m late.