Eve Parion

Laziness is sometimes a gift. Picking up what you previously lost, only to find once more its joys and misteries... that's the unsung glory of laziness - Helena Falend, in her Letter of Longing   Dear Journal,   I did not think anyone would write anything in here any more, but I reminisced those great, horrible, intense, excruciating, beautiful days on our Sapphire Sword and in our (sorry, Miyun's!) chest. And I remembered how weirdly fulfilling it was to write it all down on these flimsy pieces of paper. It got hard at the end, because of the small incident of my blinding, but I found people with the right attitude to write things down for me (people who would not openly judge).   Today, I found such an impartial soul again, her name is Lena, she's one of my closest Sisters, sisters of the Order of the Black Sapphire, that is. Yes, dear journal, I finally did it. A magical order for the frail sex. Someone had to do it, eventually. Let Tallion have his manly Ionolian order. I have my little tower overlooking the Bay of Alomir, and my 40 Sisters.   Seeing as I am falling directly into my greatest journal-writing sin of all time - messiness - I will try to structure some coherent thoughts as well.   First, it's been a great while since i last wrote in here. I have some scribbled notes about the great last battle - the battle of the Tower. Somehow, I don't want to finish them, but I know I must. Too much pain in those pages, I have to say. Even compared to what was before... And there is so much beauty in this world to write about now... I just can't do it. Not with all those dark thoughts consuming me at night.   I never truly recovered. As expected. What I last saw with my own eyes will forever haunt my dreams, and those voices... they will never go silent. For now, though, I'm not too worried. I have plenty of reasons to smile and keep the voices well at bay.   You see, dear journal, the incredible occured - Eve Parion, bane of humans, Elves, Strygians and all races big and small, somehow wound up a mother! To a healthy child, hopefully bearing as few traits from her mother as possible. Her name is Fiona. It was Bart's idea for a name. It is a beautiful name, and rather rare, to be honest. I wouldn't have thought of it. I, for one, could only think of symbolic names, stupidities, bookworm instincts. Why should a child be cursed with a weird name because a parent has nothing better to do? That being said, I am secretly jealous of Tallion's talent of keeping the memory of his friends and family. He named his first-born Rydaspis Bajid Almas. A mouthful, but a beautiful one at that.   My little girl is just Fiona. She was born in a time of peace, a time of joy, even if not of plenty. The world, shattered as it was, is recovering. It's not easy, it's not sudden. But it's quite fast, to be honest. Well, my little Fiona is most of my world now, anyway. And she's growing very, very fast. She's more than one year old! She was born on 19 November 859. Yeah... it's insane how fast time flies by.   She's everything I probably wasn't: cute, quiet, a joyous smile, always laughing at her parent's shenanigans. Bart especially knows how to entertain her. He's such a sweet father. I always knew he would be a good one. Hehe.   I very rarely let go of Fiona. I either carry her around in my arms or in my all purpose crib. I am quite confident with navigating around nowadays, blind as I am. Especially in the tower, I have formed this mental map, and can quite easily trace my steps. Still, Bart helps me a lot and the Sisters also provide invaluable help. It's not easy when the mother is both blind and clumsy.   I'm quite proud of her, dear journal. And proud of us. We overcame this great war. Of course... Darkness remains. In my case, wounds that will never, ever heal. Not just my eyes. But especially that. Bart and Fiona make me love life, but without them... I can't even imagine what that would have been like. Sometimes I wonder... How are the others coping? Are they feeling down? Are they troubled by the many monsters of our past? Not all of them have company, people who understand them, who went through the same thing... Verfys disappeared somewhere, God knows where... All alone. Tallion.... He's not that far away, but he's busy, we saw him twice, I think, after we broke up the party, and we hear from him only from time to time. He seems happy, but I know it can't be easy to rebuild Ionolia amidst all those ruins bearing so many memories.... Even Marc, with all his optimism, must be feeling down many times. You know, he still is alone. No wife or family for him right now. He's quite the adventurer now, always first to go on explorations and more recently diplomatic missions to the Continent! I gave him a secret task to find out more about Verfy. Maybe she's still around there somewhere.   I may be happy here, in spite of my literal demons, but I often think about the others. We didn't exactly part on the best of terms. After that ugly business in the Continent with Zarkuz's pirates, we fought the undead and prevailed, but... it felt forced... We were all utterly spent, sick of each other somehow.... We parted ways and it all felt so empty, but in the same time there was a semblance of peace. It was finally over. Maybe all our collective pains made it too hard to stay together. I don't know. Here in Alomir we have quite the working community. Damaschini sunk himself into his leadership role, and he seems to be quite happy and fulfilled. I'm glad for him. Miyun got to become a queen of sorts, as she jokes, queen of the underworld. She's growing fast, too fast perhaps, hah. And Marc, as I said, is around and helps Damaschini a lot.   To be fair, the more I think about these things, the sadder I get. There's a very sour taste in my mouth whenever I think of that period, right after the battle at the Tower. I miss them.   Maybe I should invite Tallion next Independence day.   Oh, I haven't mentioned my Bart is now a full-time politician! He was some kind of First Diplomat, a counselor for Damaschini, and now he's in the Great Gathering, elected by the people and whatnot. He has a group of people called a party, and he won some votes, and now he's very busy as a result... It's not like he's doing that much right now. I am supportive, but to me it seems like a waste of his time. Time better spent would be time spent with me and FIona.... :)   But a man's ambition is a man's ambition.   I am a hypocrite, of course, because I also did my own party-thing, but not for politics, but for protecting the island. My order of the Black Sapphire protects Alomir from any unwanted guests, and I plan to make it an active order as well. In time, we will send our members to other countries to help them against disease, disasters, necromancers, monsters, whatever. We will also explore and find out more about the world... Big dreams. But hey, I came quite far with this order so far. I'm astonished. So who knows?   Hm, the celebrations for this year's Starfall festival are starting. Better join them. I hope Lullaby and Rafil are well. At night, I ofter think of them too.   Well, off I go. This felt good.   Wherever you are, I hope you will smile tonight. Nixie, Verfy, Tallion, Kelly, Vas, Iz. I know the rest are smiling at us from up above.   May the Almighty protect us all.

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"Do. Then you may die" - inscription on the Tower of the Ilmenites in Soldinia   It's early morning in the camp. Anevys was awake and seeing me up she asked me if I wanted to finish my journal. Hah, look at her. She knew I had wanted to write a little more. So here we are, in another tent, once again, so I don't disturb anyone, dictating these lines.   I feel melancholic this morning. Not sure why. Maybe it's the result of all those intense feelings I got to experience yesterday. It is also quite a gloomy morning. There's a light drizzle, left over after that ghastly storm from yesterday, when the skies cried blood...   They cried blood because of what had happened at the end of the battle. Well, the very thing that ended it, really. I would learn it from the others. Lullaby had faced Xantinya, Nixie had faced her son, and the others had fought lich-lords and Haldric, who also showed up to help Xantinya.   I heard how Nixie unleashed the full force of that white fire that she had started to stir after her dream of the burning diamond. And how that fire consumed her, and turned into huge flames forming the terrible Eye. All those moments of "understanding" and "knowledge" and all that talk about her embracing our sacrifice and taking up the mantle of some sort of Elven warrior proved to be fake promises brought by the Devil... but, on that same occasion, of great betrayal, desperation and shame, Nixie made her own choice, her own stand, made up her own mind and formed her own view. As Lullaby dashed to her, to help her beat the horrifying flames that were consuming her very life essence, Xantinya thought it was the moment to strike. Lullaby tried to mobilize Nixie, and hugged her, and then Nixie did something, she did something that was no given power, no gifted knowledge, it was her own deeper spiritual epiphany, perhaps, or her own strength, the one she often forgets she has.   Her real strength is her care. Intensely, truthfully, innocently, in many ways, even in the cheekiest of moments, she retains that innocence of thought, somehow. Now, she directed this strength at the Evil bearing down on her from both within and without. And managed to expel it, and shrugged Xantinya's attack off. In the end, no matter how much suffering, no matter how much injustice, no matter how much trickery and thievery the devils use, it won't break Nixie's care. She may shout she doesn't, but don't believe her, dear journal.   Usually she just hides under a rock and pretend the world is not there, around her, with its wicked ways. But yesterday she hid under no rock. I am endlessly proud of her. Thank you, dear Master, for helping her do this. You fool.   I smile now, if only a little. They all turned into something more this fight, didn't they? Damaschini changed a lot, too. He embraced the evil within him, the mistakes and sins of his kind, somehow... transcending them. And he breathed white flames like that of an Elf, but strong and engulfing, like normal fire. Alas, it was arcanic power, and it shattered the lich he was fighting. The same lich that had killed poor Isbel...   I heard Isbel fought Haldric and managed to stop him, even if Xantinya had given him immense power. A small girl, barely having learned to swing a sword... stood before a magically-enhanced king, and stood well.   Tallion, it seems, had led the spirits of all fallen Ionolian mages, and together, they brought down the lightning from the Heavens to cleanse the undead. He had also weaved his magic to protect others, truly transcending his ordinary training to become a true master of magic.   Verfy endured wounds and pains no normal human, elemental, erlagon or even troll should be able to endure. She kept her swords pointed only at the enemy, always at the enemy, always fighting, always giving it all, and she slew two big commanders, an Orc and a lich... She almost died, but in the process she started, t'seems, to understand more about her fire sword of entropy, and I know her perceptive brain will soon find a way to make her even stronger with it.   And, of course, my Bart... not only is he the only man in history to have put an Elf in a vase, he has saved the lives of the others several times, and he shrugged off that blasted Eye's gaze, and helped all of them do so... Not even his hideous gaze could stop my Bart...   That would have been enough to make me wonder just.. how. How can such people exist? But another big surprise, to me, was this idiotic Woranian king, this Haldric, the man that the nobility, the Vormiolese, even Damaschini despised and disconsidered. A good-for-nothing, not even strong or threatening in any way.... Yet...   Yet he did what none of us could. He stopped Xantinya. Not by fighting her, no. He just asked her to stop, and she did. And when he got killed by her son, Xantinya struck the stupid tin-elf almost shattering him to oblivion. Why was she so distraught? Why did she flee? She had no will to fight, was that it? Was she confused by her own feelings? Maybe, deep down, she realized, after spending so many years in our world, that this is not Hell, that this is better? Did she find something here that she thought couldn't exist?   I am suddenly troubled by it. Well, one thing is certain. Lullaby didn't want to fight her in those circumstances. Maybe she saw in her a little of what she herself had felt and is obviously still feeling. Hm.   In the end, our Values won. In a weird way, as I said.   It just makes me melancholic.   Are we, the ones who prevailed today, even carrying them? They seem to. But do they enjoy its fruit? I don't know. Are we going to be happy? It's a stupid thought, but... what happens after? Let's say we win. Well, I'll be fine, maybe one of the happiest, I have Bart and a future with him. But some of the others... I'm a little afraid that the...   And I'm not so sure about myself. Lately, I have this impression. I can't survive this. I don't know why I think this way. I just feel those horrendous thoughts and images in my head and the drums and the voices and........ It feels... wrong. Wrong to exist like that. I don't know. This war is taking its toll on everyone. I sure hope the others don't have that issue.   * * *   I saw Drenizek walk by and stopped to ask him what he was doing. He couldn't sleep too much, he said. He wanted to train. Train, with one hand in stiches? Yes, he said, he doesn't need 2 hands for every bit of exercise. He was also trying to think of a way to keep Marc afloat while doing it. He was very worried for him.   "Marc is a strong one, he will pull through" I said.   "Yes, but if he loses his smile... What do we end up saving?" he replied, with an almost whispered voice.   Truth is I cannot imagine Marc without his smile, his dumb observations, his innocent remarks, his cries to run away, hide, or otherwise not go face-first into danger. Then again, I couldn't imagine Drenizek like he is today.   I will make sure Marc recovers his smile. Soon, we will fight the battle for the solstice. I don't know what kind of battle that will be. Where, with whom, I just know a battle still is coming. With Xantinya, probably. * * * * "You know that feeling when you are fine, you are simply fine. Nothing is wrong, all is actually quite well. You go on with your life, and laugh, and eat, and sleep. But all your anchors are thrown and no wind in your sail can move you along. Some things happened. Maybe not as bad as many things happening around you. You are not broken, not devastated. You are not down, or not anymore. You are fine.   A joke is funny. You know. But you are straight-faced. A good dinner is good, and you know. You smile, but then the smile disappears. Nothing can take hold. There's this feeling. No sustain. No smile, no laughter, no joy can be sustained. You lose it as quickly as you gained it. You find yourself too serious, too troubled, too quiet. And still you are fine. So you shouldn't complain, you don't, but then, it's also not like before.   Where's the energy? It's there, only... no sustain. It disappears. Nothing changed, not in the second. But calculating in hours, and days, and weeks, you see the difference. Your seconds are the same, but not your hours.   And you are fine. So there's nothing to change, so you can't escape this. You are cursed, but you are healthy."   Thank you for the explanation.

"Folkmar den Ko, kautas an Rad / Folkmar den Ko, tir Vainen na Ko / Rona Darr ter Ad, til stren Vik Gren ve / Folkmar den Ko, Orkmaa pai stauve / Dran Kiij o Marr, ten Vatr i mauve"   Dear journal,   I am tired, but not nearly as battered as the others. Kind of feel ashamed of that, to be honest. I mean, everyone gave their all, and I feel I could've done a lot more... But there's no room to be selfish now. This day must remain, not just in our memory, but in the memory of all who exist today, as well as those who will come after. Maybe one day my children will find this journal and (hopefully) skip the drama parts and reach these pages.   And I want to remember it all myself, writing it all will only reinforce my memory, because in many ways I feel like what just happened is so unbelievable my own mind will blur it out at some point...   The above quote is actually an Orkmaaian poem, that their leader Seiknarr so graciously translated into Gavan for me. The Orkmaaians were singing it on the way north from the gate, and I was curious about it. It reads "Ice-wind blows, picking up the coast / Ice-wind blows, Ice-wind in my heart / Ashen cold on my eye, its sharp rock is my arm / Ice-wind blows, Orkmaa calls / Barren cliff and sea, They are home to me". I'm not very good at making up verses now, but you get the gist of it. I liked it, especially hearing it in their language, sang with low, almost whispering voices. They sang of a harsh place, a pile of rocks and salt and water that has no riches, is cold and unforgivable. Yet, they sang of it with love and longing. A place that made them tough, strong, unrelenting, ready for battle. I realized, then, how strong these people were, and I thanked God we had them on our side.   We were marching through the night, 302,000 soldiers, trying to reach the city named Focynos before the Undead did so. Basically, Verfy had reached the armies of the Continent encamped there, numerous, but battered, and told them of our arrival. Seems that their fabled king Ghebaro had been slain by Xantinya some time before. We didn't know if Xantinya was still around or not, but that threat was looming over our heads. We nevertheless kept going. Verfy promised the Continent commanders that we would get our armies to help them in time. But, for sure, the enemy had caught wind of our arrival and was also marching to fight the armies of the Continent. And while the undead never tire, living men do.   I was worried that our armies would be too tired to fight. I myself felt a little bit under the water, but the sheer adrenaline of the situation kept me going quite well in the end. We were approaching it, we all felt it. The big battle of our time. The fields of Vaken, where Izor Light of the Thirty vanquished the two lich lords... that was going to be a small brawl compared to what we were about to witness... I spent my time reciting prayers in my mind, trying to blot out all other thoughts... I knew that I had to be prepared for anything. There was no room for weakness, or mistakes. Too often had I blundered my way through fights. No longer. I knew I wasn't going to be the one to make a huge impact, but I had powers, important powers that could help others. I had to be there for them. For my friends, and for the entire army, if possible. I just hoped that I would get to stay with Bart. Selfish thought, I know, but at least if he were near me I would know when he's in danger, and I would be able to help him, more than just with our kindred rune.   I miss being able to craft runes. I had in mind a whole project, a rune for each of them, tailored to their needs. Oh well, I'll have to find another way. I was thinking about one, but it's only the start of a thought. The Word remains the driving force of all creation, so maybe... with plane-manipulations... I could, somehow, speak runes into existence... I don't know how, yet, and it's probably something for later. Ah, blind Eve, useless Eve, still trying to find your way, eh?   At dawn, we had already crossed numerous small rivers and marshes, as well as lush plains. Pomenia really looks like a beautiful land, shame those horrible clouds keep everything so dark and murky... As the sun rose, and disappeared behind the thick cover of clouds, we felt a chilling air. Or at least I did. The call of the ice-wind, perhaps. Or just the anticipation of impending doom. No matter what we did, no matter how much we would try, I knew, we all knew, many, a great many would perish. Would it be me? The one near me? Bart? Any of us? All of us? We didn't know. Who among here we would see again, and who we wouldn't.   But that's the same for all battles, no? By this time I've seen enough of war to know that feeling, you might argue. Well, yes, but not like this. Not at this scale. Now I felt not just that I could lose everyone. I felt even the memory of everyone was at stake. I felt that our own bodies and souls could not just be lost, but also used by the enemy, turned to monsters, imprisoned forever. That's what they want, in the end, no? Total control. Total domination. The replacement of freedom with one horrible irrefutable fate: damnation.   And so, this army, so fittingly made up of people that had fought for their freedom so many times, marched to meet this fate, and oppose it. A day before the battle, I had asked Lullaby about the morale of the army, and she told me not to worry. These men, she said, had fought for months against the Union, even freeing their old enemies the Vodonians from their yoke, yes, the very Vodonians who had ravaged and destroyed their country and who were directly responsible for the death of Lullaby's parents. The Vodonians who had tried to anihilate their freedom. Now the Redochians, barely recovering from that war, plunged headfirst into an even more devastating war against creatures that in their dimension belong only to fables and stories. But they would continue to do so with no regret.   I feel like the more hardship these devils bring on us, the more we find in ourselves the power that allows us to hope for redemption. I certainly feel so.   We had been marching tirelessly, through the night and during dawn, and still we couldn't stop. Soon we reached the end of the hilly land and plunged into a wide, shallow valley, when some riders bearing the flag of the Continent came to tell us the enemy had arrived first and were giving battle to them. We all kind of panicked. Were we too late? Lullaby turned to her commanders and Kelly and the rest ordered the army to start forming up in thick columns and march to the river. Then, a general put his helmet on, spoke some words to Lullaby and Kelly, and rode south to group up the cavalry. They were going to cross the river first and reinforce the Continent.   We looked at each other. The army was starting to form up in columns. We had to cross the river and get to a huge plain, where the armies of the Continent had drawn up ranks. The enemy was coming in full strength from the west, on the other side of the river, same side as the Continent. We were late, but not too late. We just had to cross the river in time to attack the enemy from the side.   I knew we were going to have to split up. Tallion wanted to go with the cavalry, he even had two Redochian knights with him who promised to keep him safe during the melee. Damaschini and Miyun were going to join him. Nixie wanted to stay by the river and aid the Redochians in their crossing, and Xixi wanted to use the river too, obviously. Verfy, together with most of the crew, decided to join the small, but fearsome Orkmaaian army, who by the looks of it were going to be the first to engage the enemy, I mean their swords and axes literally glowed with the desire to fight. This left Bart, Vas and I to go up the nearby hillock with Lullaby, Kelly and the other commanders. I was worried for Lullaby and her health, so I figured I would be of use staying by her side. The warning the doctors had given, that she may enter into labour any day now, rang anew in my head. That's why Vas was there, too, the madman. Vas always knows what to do in order to be of most help. I admire him so much..   Before going each to our chosen place on the battlefield, I looked at everyone and just dragged them in a circle to hug them all. We all did, tightly. I felt the emotion from everyone. We didn't know what awaited us. We had seen many battles by now, and in most cases at least one of us didn't come back in the end. But now... now, maybe the entire world may be lost and never come back. That's how it felt. We each went our separate way, after that. I prayed for every single one of them, and tried to hold in any tears. There was no room for tears, only for the loud bellowing of horns and for the rapid trot of hundreds of thousands of footsteps. The battle was starting, and the scale was astounding.   We climbed the hillock, which overlooked the river to its north and was a good vantage point, together with the commanders, a few guards and some doctors that were there to help Lullaby. That is when I met Ansar Rastel, Bajid's father. He is this tall man, quite intimidating in a way. He has that look Bajid had, which made you question whether he was going to be friendly or smash your head in. But he is, just like his son, a very sweet man. He was there to help and support Lullaby. He had heard everything about what had happened from her, and was of course present at his son's funeral, but kept a low profile. He must hate the attention, and I understand that. I could infer there's some complicated familial issues involved, since I know Gilders is Bajid's half-brother, they basically had different fathers... You get it. But yeah, Ansar was very determined to be by his daughter-in-law's side. She's family to him, and in fact, if you think about it, he was her only remaining family (not counting little Rafil of course, but we'll get there). He couldn't do much, on the surface, but I think his presence was crucial. And he was really brave to be there in the first place.   You know, sometimes I forget how these situations look for people who had never lived through such things before. Mr Rastel was a normal man, having lived a mostly normal life, certainly not fighting undead, spewing magic or bending reality. And then there's us. The paper-boy whos fist shatters the earth, and the Nutcase blindey who swings around with glowswords. And of course Vas with his light. Wonder what he made of all this. I'll ask him tomorrow, hah!   There we went on top of the hill, where the soldiers set up a tent. Kelly and the commanders took a quick scan of the battlefield and we went to watch too, and... my blood froze in my veins. To the west, I could sense an endless, and I mean ENDLESS line of undead, as thick as the raging sea and as long as the shadow of night which settles on the Earth at sundown. And just as all-consuming, but.... it shone. It shone with a myriad of purple lights, all combining in some abominable glare, which was almost blinding. And I could somehow feel this glare, feel it beyond the limitations of sight. For a split second, I felt like looking into the Black Hole again... I simply gritted my teeth, withstood the pain that had pulsed through my body, and focused on the warmth coming from Bart's hand, as I was holding him. I think I squashed his hand with my twiggy arms. And that says something.   Their army was huge, too, but compared to the undead it looked like a twig about to be broken by a giant's foot, or so I made it in my mind, given what Bart was telling me. I couldn't believe the scale of it, hearing how far away the corner of the army was. In my mind, I could see it all, the two massive armies coming together under that dome of clouds, where everything seemed enlarged, the air seemed heavier, more filled with wind, as if the entire universe, all 9 dimensions had gathered all their energy in this one place, this one stand. And in a way it was so. It was not necessarily a battle to decide the fate of all dimensions, not directly, maybe... But.. It was the test that the world needed. Were our values weak and fallible? Was Evil too great? Were we destined for doom? Or not? Was there room for hope? These questions were about to be answered...   * * *   I could hear the undead army as it was running towards the lines of the Continent. From the south, our Redochian forces had arrived by the river and were trying to cross it. The clash was going to be a chilling sight. There were these hundreds of thousands of people wearing silverlike armor, bearing tunics with the upright silver sword of the Almighty on them, and waving flags carrying the twelve-pointed star that is the symbol of God in the Dimension of Spirit, and also is present on the Redochian flag. And on the other side... countless black flags, with the red, vile, terrifying three-pointed lance depicted on them. Finally, the enemy was clear to all. Finally, the pretense had been dropped. There was no doubt, now, to whom this army really belonged.   I could not see the flags, and I hated it, because I wanted to have this sight in my mind, but I could hear the cries, and the shouting of the men, and feel their resolve. I could hear, coming from down below, the word "Nander!", which is apparently eponymous with "Together, under God" and symbolises the union of believers, the whole religion - which is called Nanderianism in their dimension and ---- yea, still doing stupid Eve-splaining stuff. Sorry, journal. I'm still insufferable, only just blinder to may own lack of taste.   Going back to the serious stuff, our cavalry had already mingled with that of the Continent, and we were impatient to see our men cross the river. If the Redochians would not do it in time, the lines of the Continent would be hit by the entire enemy army... then, the people on the hillock saw thousands of riders coming from behind the undead lines. Who were they? They tried to discern, but could see nothing clear from that ghastly distance. The battlefield was kilometers long... But given what Verfy had found out from the Continent army, I instantly realized. They were Kasparians. The people of the desert. Why did they come here? Why alongside the undead? I didn' know. But the people of the Continent had told Verfy of their army of cloaked riders.   As the armies drew closer together, we could discern a formidable regiment of undead cavalry. Their lights shone red, and we realized those were the Swords of Darkness, those terrifying elite forces that Damaschini told us about... Now Damaschini and Tallion, mingled with the cavalry, were about to face them... I started sweating nervously. I wanted to to something. I relied on Bart to tell me everything that was going on on the battlefield. I could hear screams, I could feel the light of evil, I could smell a foul air coming to envelop us... But I couldn't see any of them! I felt so useless, so... isolated...   I turned to Lullaby, trying to see how she was doing. She was not giving any commands, because well she's not a general, and she enforced Kelly as the commander-in-chief. Everyone accepted that with no qualms, and now Lullaby was probably wondering what to do, like me. I came to her and asked her about it, but she leaned on me and said she's not feeling alright. I panicked. Now? That's a very bad moment you chose, Rafil.   Or maybe not. What do we know? In the end... So much death and entropy. Only one thing could beat it back. Hah. Yea, Lullaby squeezed my arm, because she felt a huge pain. She said with a very troubled voice "it's happening. Sorry"   I shouted for doctors, for Vas, for everyone. Kelly immediately told us to take care of Lullaby, get her inside the tent, I immediately followed suit. Mr Rastel was also there with a couple of blankets and such, already arranging a bed for Lullaby. She was clearly panicking, not just because of the timing. She was afraid. Very, very afraid. I knew. You know, it's funny. We didn't have a lot of time to get to know each other before Bajid's death. But all that happened afterwards drew us very close. And even if she couldn't talk back, I did talk to her immensly during these months. And she knows me well as a result, but somehow I also know her. Not sure if by having those few dreams that I did, because I got to tell them to everyone, maybe it's what I felt while inside her memories, or... Maybe, in a way, like an imprint of the soul exists even in our dead bodies... An mind and soul shut to the outside can still leave an imprint where it should've communicated with us, and if you find that imprint you may begin to understand. So, I kind of know her well. Hah. The world works in mysterious ways.   I've always sensed how much love she had for Rafil, even when unconscious. But in the same time I knew she'd be afraid of this moment. She has been so weak lately, because of her state. She was so physically - and spiritually - drained that maybe she wouldn't be able to go through with giving birth to a child. I knew she was very afraid of that. So I grabbed her hand as Bart and Mr Rastel were carrying her to the bed inside the tent and I told her that she's strong, stronger than she thinks, stronger than Xantinya, for example, or her armies. Xantinya may raise one million dead, she may send lightning bolts across the sky and cover the world in darkness. Bah. Anyone can destroy. The scale of destruction is impressive, but it's still destruction. Let me see her give birth to a child, after just emerging from complete mental and physical shutdown. Let me see her try! I told Lullaby that his is her battle and that it's a battle she has been preparing to win since the start. I hope it helped. I knew she looked at me. Why can't I see? Sometimes I want to go on my knees and beg for eyes again, but then the prospect of seeing all the rest.... the hole, the eye... yeah, that stops me.   Anyway, by this moment I had no room left for what was going on outside. I had to forego that, no matter how much it hurt. I had to be focused on my task, which was helping Lullaby. I couldn't be in seven places at once. But once again I felt kind of pointless. Mr Rastel was there to help Lullaby, and so were the doctors and Vas. Lullaby had panicked at first, but she was starting to calm down, well, as much as possible given the circumstances. In her panting, I could discern her saying "I can do this, no? Please say I can" and I assured her again. Losing Rafil could have ... yeah, could have been the last straw. That's probably what she was thinking. She had lost Bajid, now she was going to lose Rafil, both being her fault, and in the meanwhile the world burned away and she didn't help protect it either. I had to get those thoughts out of her head. Maybe I wasn't so pointless after all.   Now I smile, but back then I was so panicked myself. Vas, the jewel of a man, was already ready, and told Lullaby to start pushing. I've never been more tense. What would happen? What could happen? I trusted Lullaby, I was just afraid of, well, the worst.....   Needless to say, the worst did emerge: out of thin air, a bloody tin-elf materialized, killing the two guards and three doctors. We instantly rushed to cover Lullaby, because the monster planned to strike her, surely. Then, I felt his blade, and I realized who he was. It was the original sinner, Xantinya's son. I materialized my magic blade and blocked his path to Lullaby, with Bart assuming position near me, while Vas had to somehow ignore all of it and focus on delivering the baby.   But how to fight this monster? He could manipulate planes and... I thought just "Fuck planes, fuck power. I will STOP him". The only way I figured, in that split second, was to use my magic blade. I would create something which he can't bend, something that will bother him. I channeled my wish to protect Lullaby and Rafil into that magic blade, and made it bloom like a flower. The tin-elf was actually distraught enough to stop his attack! But he very quickly recovered, and I had nothing left to stop him with...   Then, I felt something. Like a bubble of calm, weakening the leeching feeling I got from his blade. It was Lullaby, for sure. Fighting as she could, blocking his manipulations, straightening the planes... She was now effectively keeping the planes aligned while giving birth.   We had to give our all.   He certainly didn't. He marched to us and tried to throw us away. Bart and I tried to stop him, but he threw Bart so hard, I heard a loud bang way behind, I think outside the tent! I had to rush and check his advance, and I tried doing so with my magic blade again. I knew where to strike with it, at least. I felt where I had to block his advance, otherwise I am useless. But the Bart shouted "hit the mask". Well THANK YOU, where the hell IS THAT? I had to try to guide my blows to the feeling of distress I got from this tin-elf, and hope to hit it. I managed a couple of times, but he was relentless. He almost obliterated me with some kind of projectile, a spell, maybe, I don't know, very hot, and then he almost teleported behind me, such was his speed, but Bajid's father intervened with an axe and tried to stop him. All this while Bart shouted at me to use the extra time. I could feel time slowing down around me, a couple of times. My Bart was playing with time now! Trying to buy us the time we needed to stop the tin-elf and to buy Lullaby the time she needed to give birth to Rafil. But, alas, not enough. Finally, after a lot, and I mean A LOT of lucky strikes into that wretched thing's mask, it broke, I think, 'cause I heard Bart shouting. But now the goo was getting out, and I heard Bart rush back into the tent. The Elf tried to escape, he did, and returned as a possessed corpse, but Bart overpowered him, and then the goo came out and went back into his robot suit. I kept hitting at the mask hoping to do more damage but I didn't know exactly where I had to hit. Again, no eyes. People tend to forget that somehow.   Anyhow/who/when/why, I now had to hit the damaged mask while the goo coming from the outside was fixing it while Bart and Mr Rastel kept trying to get the goo out of there and into some sort of stuff, like pots and such, while Vas was helping Lullaby give birth to Rafil. Complete mayhem, I know. I don't even remember all the things we had to do to keep that monster away. I remember Bart running around the room with some sort of vase in his hands, trying to contain the goo in there.   It matters not. As poor Lullaby was screaming, trying to bring Rafil into this world, we were fighting with all our strength to keep that hideous being from killing them. And then it finally went away... And we suddenly heard a baby's cry. My heart probably stopped for a brief moment. At first, I tried to keep alert, looking for tin-Elf and his stupid tactics, but... he went away, the coward...   And we were left with one more among us. Rafil was born, healthy and quite loud, hah. I turned around and I heard him, probably in Vas' arms as he went to Lullaby's side to give him to her, and I felt this irresistible joy in the middle of that hellscape. I wish, I just wish I could see him. It's so cruel. I really wanted to. I've been waiting to. I don't know. I've taken care of both for so long now, I love them both. I wish I could see little Rafil. Still, that couldn't ruin my joy. And for a few seconds, that joy was everywhere in the room. Seconds ago we were fighting for our lives. But now, now a new life had come, and all else faded away a bit.   I wasn't so sentimental before, wasn't I? Hah, I knew how to hide it quite well. But deep down I am just a softie. A blind softie now. Which is worse. Still, I wept. I swear. I went near her and they all watched (and I tried to point my head in the right direction) as Lullaby held her son and whispered to him "Hello, Rafil. Mom is here"   God damn it Anevys hope you're not laughing at me right now I'm actually crying yes don't write that   I couldn't believe she did it, in a strange way. I was almost ready for everything to go wrong, but I've always hoped for the contrary, and it didn't go wrong, we made it! We protected them, and now Rafil was there, in his mother's arms, and suddenly I got the urge to go out there and beat all these idiotic undead and demons and whoever still thinks evil rules or should rule the world. If evil rules the world, why are people born? Each first moment is hope. Maybe we lose it on the way, but it's there, and can be regained.   Soon enough, people rushed in the tent. Soldiers from the command, hearing of the commotion with the tin-elf and seeing the bodies of their fallen bretheren. They all gasped when they saw Lullaby holding Rafil, I could hear their gasps. Then Kelly must've come in, because I could hear her poised footsteps, but even she stuttered in her walk, and then could hear her whimper: "So you did it. He's well?"   "Yes" I replied, before poor Lullaby could even say a word.   For a second, we still lived in that small beautiful world around Lullaby's bed. But we had to leave it. Kelly had brought bad news.. the armies had clashed, but we were obviously losing. Our cavalry was wiped out after horses ran from beneath them, riding towards the river... Sounded like Nixie's work, just like Bart suggested. THe right flank had then collapsed, and all sides were under immense pressure.   Kelly urged Bart to rush in and help the rest, while Lullaby faintly tried to say something to us. She asked Vas and me to help her. I could feel a very strong tremor in her voice, and not from her exhaustion. She had made a decision. She's a different kind of mad than me, you see. She is very quiet, very silent. Then she suddenly decides something, and not even mountains can move her. She turned to Mr Rastel and told him "can you hold Rafil for me, please?" and I could feel she didn't want to give him up. She almost couldn't. THere was such a long pause... Mr Rastel said yes, then an even longer one, before I could hear Lullaby finally giving Rafil to him.   I realized, then, that Lullaby might never see Rafil again, and I was suddenly overcome by sadness. Because... who knows what will happen? I mean... Ugh but then I realized something else. Bart was leaving! What if... agh once again I couldn't be there! I made him promise not to go and get himself hurt. Well, killed, getting hurt was kind of inevitable... And told him to watch over the others. I was worried for everyone. God I was worried about a million things, my heart was about to burst!   I hugged him tight and shamelessly kissed him in front of everyone, almost smooshing his entire face. I call it the kiss energy-ball, strikes fast and strong. Ashamed? Can't, I didn't see the others were still there. oops. He went his way, I went mine... The others left too, I could hear Rafil began to cry again, and Lullaby clenched her fist. I knew because I had just grabbed my hand, and she almost snapped my little finger. Must've hurt a lot to let go, but I knew she wanted him to be safe.   Or, he couldn't be safe with Tin-Elf going around. So she had to take matters into her own hands, and keep him away from Rafil. We both knew that tin-elf could heavily influence the fight. His presence was a clear bad omen. Maybe his mother wasn't far behind...   "Vas, go find in that chest some vials. They poured some adrenaline shots there. Doesn't matter. I don't need injections, I can use them as so. But I need your help, Eve, Vas"   She told us to help her get on her feet. We had to clean and change her, but I couldn't believe someone that had just given birth in such dreadful conditions, while fighting an immortal elf, could stand. But she did. Before the others left, in her confusion, she almost fell out of bed trying to follow Rafil. In her mind, though, there was sense. She was trying to get it together. Vas gave her the adrenaline shots and she somehow internalised them with plane manipulation, I think. She then started screaming, and Vas and I kind of panicked. I told her to stop but she just grabbed my hand tightly and told me not to worry. She would recover just enough energy to continue the fight.   It took a while to get her ready, but when she finally was, she simply thanked us both, hugged us and told us she'd never forget our aid. Then, she vanished.   "What now, Vas?"   "Now we go and fight, too"   I told him to stay there, help Kelly and Mr Rastel and keep an eye on Rafil. He reluctantly accepted. I wanted to rush down the hill towards the fight, find Bart and the rest and continue. Everyone was giving their all. I had to do the same, right? I wasn't even tired. Or properly wounded. I even had most of my energy. I could fight!!   As I exited the tent, though, I heard a weird sound in the air. And the wind was more violent than ever. Then, a deafening sound like the skies themselves were breaking. I remember having my brain shattered by a million shrieks. All those shrieks I heard in the Black Hole came back. I think I lost consciousness, but only physically. Spiritually, I felt it all, like a knife in the dark, pulling at my skin and into my head. I suddenly felt bent by the will of another, forced into the ground, crushed.   I rose with a thousand hates in my heart, like a torrent of fire. I raised my hand and I think even cast something, I don't know. She had come. I knew it. Xantinya. Ah, the demons were dancing! Ah, the joy! The joy of slaughter! It echoed in my brain, but my braind had seen Rafil and his cry and then his small giggle when Lullaby took a hold of him, and now I couldn't be swayed.   The ferocious monsters! I don't know if I was awake or not. I can't see, and that doesn't help when all your other senses are destroyed by this hell. I think I started rolling down the hill like a boulder. I cast my teleportation spell, hoping for it to work. Of course it didn't. I couldn't stand the damn thing!! I wanted out, but there was no out of my brain. The same black engulfed all, wherever I go. It's called being blind, I know, but... I wanted to see something else! Anything! The pain was so unbearable, I think I threw up.   I also remember pulling some of my hair off, trying to feel some other pain, any kind of pain but this. God, it was intense! The demons were dancing on my chest, and I couldn't breathe! Still, I tried to get my legs moving, and I continued stumbling down the hill. As I did, I could feel the swirls of hate from all around. Our men were faltering. Slowly, but surely. Xantinya had come, and she was taking everybody down with her.   But then I felt a distant clash, and I knew a big fight had started. Everyone was probably fighting now. I knew that Bart and NIxie and Verfy and Tallion and the rest would fight Xantinya and maybe tin-elf too. I had to go. BUt they were far away, and, again, I HAVE NO GODDAMN EYES. I started invoking whatever could make me go faster. I propelled an energy ball into the ground to make me fly, but that only shattered my bones. Tallion taught me this trick, he learnt it from a colleague named Baldur a couple years ago. Huh, bad technique. I tried to run on all fours or something. I even contemplating going into the sky and going all out on whatever was in front, but I was too afraid of hitting our own people. So, I kept running, fighting desperation and pain at every step.   I managed to get to what I think were the backlines. But people were shouting "Ikhains have come, they are hitting from behind!" and I shuddered. I had completely forgotten about Ikhains! Oh, god, it was going to be a long day... I continued rushing and gushing for air as I did, must've looked the proper fool... By that time, I felt a call. The kindred rune! It flashed in magic, and then with it came a feeling, it was Bart, I felt it, he was worried for Lullaby. She was probably fighting Xantinya. I immediately chanted a prayer, trying to help. I didn't know where she was, but I felt her need of me, and let that guide me through the magic link of the kindred rune. Have no time to explain how points on the plane communicate. This is the big intense part. So now I was helping Lullaby best I could.   When I felt that axe fall on my neck. Goddamn, not again! You insufferable idiot, Balan! How can EVERYTHING fall on oh well I guess they really want Lullaby dead. Fuck that. I rushed even more, but I felt Balan physically strangling me for every second I kept the spell going.   At some point, the ground shook, and I heard screams, and the earth itself started cracking. God... I didn't see where I was going, but God saved my life, I didn't fall in no crack in the ground. Good thing I'm frail and small and got round the thick lines of Redochians, but just as I was doing so I heard screams, and fire. Shouts: "she's shooting fire! Duck". Shooting fire? "Who?" "that woman coming from the undead lines!". Necromancer woman with fire spells... was it Seraph? Remember Seraph, dear journal? Tallion's disgruntled Dushen fan? Ugh, Tallion, clean up your own mess! I now had to face her to get to the big fight.   But where was she!? I cast a mirror of myself and started purging the hell out of those undead, hoping to confuse her. I moved somewhere behind some Redochians. One of them told me where Seraph was going, and then went in against the undead to give me an opening. I rushed behind him and then shouted: "Seraph!"   The dumb whore answered: "who are you!?"   Someone smarter than you, obviously. She had just given up her position. I prepared my strike. She attacked me with a twin fire spear spell, but I shrugged it off. Have no time for that nonsense. I charged with my arcanic blade. Didn't expect that? Then get out of my way!   Eh, I play the hero now. I was useless. I struck her once, then she crushed me. Truth is, I've never felt more useless in my life. I couldn't see her, I didn't know what to do against her... I couldswing at her, but she cast some sort of shadow over me, and I could feel it feeding off my sanity.... I collapsed. It was too much, too much. I wanted to scrape my eyes out of my face, but whoops I already had no eyes! Goddamnit, Eve, why can't you resist their magic!?   Then, I felt a movement. Not in the air, but, like, within me, and within everyone around. And for a second, the eternal darkness of my present world lit up. And in that sheer white, I... I saw. I saw dad, smiling. He was holding this woman I had never seen in my life, with a very small child in her arms, much like Rafil probably was...   It was mom. And my brother, who never made it past his first minute of life. I looked at them, and couldn't believe what was happening. Did I die? I felt that I was dead. I was seeing, and I was seeing them... Dad died, I knew, Goddamnit, but still I clang to some stupid small hope, down there in my heart, that he may have survived... But I couldn't believe what was happening. Mom? I almost forgot I had one, at times, I felt so ashamed, I wanted to fall into Hell and ask for forgiveness from there....... I glanced at her and was shocked, she looks nothing like me, nothing. So when dad shouted at me, back then, that he'll teach me to behave and be a kind girl, like my mother, he really knew what he was saying. Her smile, her wide smile, which I could barely remember, was now more vivid than ever. But, alas, she was not the smile of a memory. It felt like her, and her smile was directed at me. It was not a smile to the world, or to blank space, but to me, to me, the blind mad pervert Nutcase. The barging idiot who charged blind with a small magical toothpick against an almighty necromancer. And, no matter how much of a difference there was between us... I felt glad. I felt, well... loved.   And seeing my brother for the first time, I realized how much I missed him without even knowing him. Just knowing I should have had a brother... it has secretly haunted me all this time. Alas, I could find some semblance of peace. I could see them, all three of them, a family. A happy family, like they all deserved.   Goddamnit, dad, you ran your wide mouth and couldn't lay low in Worania, didn't you? Then you are no better than me. You taught me to be a good girl, but you showed me to be a blind-charging madman. So, I asked him to help me be a blind-charging madman.   And I felt liberated by all that peace this split second gave me. I felt anew. I... I can't explain it in words, it would be unfair and just pathetic, when it should come across as blissful. Well... I knew I had one shot. Dad would guide me. I empowered the only mark I knew and got the mirror to miss it. Seraph tried to hit me, but I blocked her spell and then unleashed a huge ray of light from above, and from my clone too, discharging the mark and showing that stupid necromancer that Eve Parion is a mad Nut, but a tough Nut at that!   Of course, it was far from enough to beat her, but I had all the energy in the world now. I struck again, guided by Dad as I was. I don't know, I felt this girlish joy not because I was fighting the necromancer of course, but because I could feel Dad was proud of me. Like back when I got his questions right and he would treat me to an expensive piece of chocolate. He always had a small stash and hid it very well. Fed as I was by my mental chocolate stash, I continued, but the necromancer brought me down again. In no time, I was back on my feet and trying to attack again, when suddenly the whole world trembled. A bellow could be heard from underground. Once again, the shouts, but oh boy, they were not in my head.   They were here.   The shadows of the world were rising. I felt it, didn't have to see it. Screams, countless screams, and death. I felt a thousand knives pierce me, and a mist engulfing me. But I held strong, I held the last words I told Bart, and I held Rafil's cry, and Lullaby's joy, and what hope I had left, quite a lot, to be fair, which kept me going.   I don't know how I survived, but I could hear the others dying. I turned to strike at Seraph, but she was afraid too. The shadows didn't discriminate. She shrugged off some of them, but then she ran behind the ranks of rapidly advancing undead. But there was no escape. We were all going to die. Like... like a huge sacrifice to the bloody Devil.   Then........ it all stopped. The shadows began to dissipate, and the continuous bellowing started to calm down. And then, it all fell silent. Silent as the grave. And then, just the wind, blowing. I turned around, screamed for help, but the Redochians came by my side and told me the undead were retreating.............   And I fell on my knees. THey were? What on Earth had happened? I got back up. I was overcome by joy. Did we win? Could it be? I asked the Redochians. They were just as confused as I am. But then I started hearing shouts. "They are going back. We won!"   Still, no joy, just.... peace. Exhausted, soldiers were just falling to the ground. I rushed to where I felt Bart could be, and he soon spotted me and went to get me to the others... Nixie was there, and Tallion, and Verfy, and Marc, Drenizek, Dillen, Damaschini and Miyun. I went and hugged them each, but then I heard Lullaby had collapsed to the ground. I went in to check up on her, but then Verfy collapsed, too, it seems. They were all within an inch of their life.   They had fought Xantinya and tin-Elf. And they held on. I told you, Master. I told you back in xy, after the Black Hole, there is revolt against you. We stood against you.   I couldn't believe it... Then I heard Marc's cries and so I heard that Isbel had perished. And then Nixie told us Xixi had died as well, fighting the bloody goddamn tin-elf.   I had so many feelings, still got them, it's hard to write. The goddamn time won't let me. And I feel I've exhausted poor Anevys. But... I have to say. I felt gutted, but it was not a new feeling. I don't know, now that the battle was over, I could let go of my emotions, and I started crying for Father and Xixi and Isbel. And when I heard Nixie's brother had died in battle before I cried for him as well. And I cried for Tallion's father too when he said he had seen him too. Goddamn so many good people to cry about.   In a way, that made this whole hell more bearable. Imagine living through hell and having nothing good to cry about. But all these great men and women... They truly are worth crying for. Knowing that they existed in our lives makes this whole hell more bearable. Hear that, filthy demons? You can't break me! You broke me too many times already, it's your fault.   Eh, I play the brave card now. I probably am devastated. But, to be fair, I'm a little in shock. At first I was scared for Lullaby and Verfy. Verfy was in pieces, and Lullaby's body had baiscally stopped functioning. Thank God the fabled Semanes that had fixed Drenizek in Enneth were here to fix them as well....   But then, as the battlefield calmed down, I heard what had really happened. The real story of the great fight for our world. As Lullaby and our party fought Xantinya and the tin-Elf and liches and undead... Haldric showed up and fought alongside Xantinya. Until Xantinya, unable to break Lullaby, unable to break Nixie (that's a whole other story with Nixie's whitefire power and her dream with the burning diamond, but we'll get there) started giving ground, and then decided to go all out and unleashed those shadows. And then Haldric asked her to stop, to spare his men. And Xantinya wanted to, and there was this fight with tin-Elf, who wound up killing Haldric. That's when Xantinya, enraged, hit him hard, then suddenly flew away, her army following suit....   I was shocked to hear how Nixie whitstood the Tin-Elf, and even the big Master himself, and protected Lullaby from Xantinya. And how Tallion and Damaschini destroyed half the Swords of Darkness, or pushed Mal-Abanr, lich-lord of Gava, away, or how Verfy fought the Orcish general and destroyed a lich.. And many, many more... But most shocking for me was to hear Xantinya had heeded Haldric's plea and stopped the complete massacre. What that means, I still ponder. Our values had won, in some very weird ways.   So did the armies of Good resist. But the war is not over. Filthy solstice is still coming.   May the Almighty rest the souls of all who had perished in this war, now or before. And the souls of those poor people whos bodies were used against us, unwillingly. May they all find peace and fulfillment in Heaven.   P.S.: Goodbye, Dad. I never had the courage to write about you in here, not too much, anyway. I still hoped you were alive. You were not, but still saved my stupid hide from well-deserved death. You always knew what to say and do, didn't you. I felt that you died with your dignity. I'm proud to be your daughter. I'll never forget you. Same to you, Mom, though I never really got to meet you before, I had the incredible privilege of doing it now... And same goes to you, Brother. I'm glad you are all together.   P.P.S.: goodbye, you wonderful blue one-eyed warrior. Teaching you Woranian was my single greatest achievement. I hope still that you let that bastard tin-elf know a piece of your mind before he cowardly used plane-bending to beat you. Thank you for coming with us, and keeping us alive. You were the most faithful of us, I know it.   P.P.P.S.: I heard you fought valiantly, princess Isbel. I'll make sure your name endures. You are a model to me and should be to your people. They are still alive, I'm sure, and I will help them. Rest in peace, Isbel. We'll keep Marc safe for you.   *smudge*  

Dear journal,   I won't give a quote for this entry, if that shocks, it's because putting stupid quotes at the beginning of each entry was one of the few things that I still do, compared to some distant time not so many months ago, when the world was still here.   Well, it's not like the world is not here anymore, but it's slipping away. Has been for some time. Has been for maybe hundreds of years, slowly and subtly. But now suddenly and violently. I feel ready now, ready to defend the world, ready to grab it and pull, stop it from slipping into destruction...   I look around, at this dark, but surprisingly calm sunset, at these pale rays of light that can still pierce the thick and black cover of clouds, and I can't feel down, no matter how much those red lightning bolts which pain the sky red try. Their sound is annoying, but so is this whole war. And "Xantinya may cover the skies, but she cannot extinguish the flame of the Sun". Heh.   These past few days have been so hectic. We tried our best to hurry up. I look back at the last journal and I see I have skipped so many things myself. But I barely find time to place some semblance of order in my thoughts. I never was an orderly one, but now it's getting worse. All the extra memories do not help, either...   I talked about this with Verfy a while ago. After she asked me about Lullaby, back in xy, about how she is unaffected by Balan when she takes care of Lullaby, while I am... She wanted to address this without panicking me, but I realized already. I don't know what sick games Balan is playing, but I don't care anymore. The bad thing was that I could see through Verfy, right into her fears... I told her back then that I could sense her fear of making people even more miserable then they were by trying to speak to them.   It's kind of my fault, too. I never truly thanked Verfy for always being there, putting up with my stupidity, with everyone's stupidities, really. I've been a bad friend to most of them, to all of them, really, while she has been great to everyone. Her fear is unfounded, obviously. We may all feel cranky when she tries to get to us, but I'm sure we all secretly love her for doing it. I mean I do. But I'm a tough Nut to crack, I don't like intrusions. Our captain is even worse (remember I assigned her the walnut when I assigned fruits to everyone in the party).   Well, now there's little time left to reconcile with our feelings anyway. God, do I even realize what is going on? I try to take a break, walk around, think about it, but I can't still take it all in. We're currently home, in the Continent, at that, and I'm still confused over it, hah. We made quite a few wonderful things, didn't we? I'm pretty proud of ourselves. I'll explain in a jippy.   So, after the funeral, we were supposed to check up on the DImension of Magic by travelling through the gate, to see who was left on the other side. Lullaby was adamant that she wanted to come herself to see. After all, we were probably going to use the gate to get her army across, right? It was quite unclear, because, well... how can you reach the Continent from the Haunted Marshes with 300,000 troops? Still, we went to check. And there we were met with a big surprise... In the ruins of the SAI fortress we met an entire army of humans, who had come there specifically. They were called Orkmaaians and their leader spoke Gavan. Yes, Gavan! He learned it in Tei Rolod. When I heard the name I remembered that old kingdom to the west of Gava, in fact there were two kingdoms, Tei and Jes Rolod, both rich and powerful. They still exist!   I was so glad. Over a seemingly small thing. But you see we all thought those kingdoms might've died out with Gava, absorbed by the same desolation. But no! This Orkmaaian revealed to us that many lands still are inhabitable west of the Desolation. All of Gava's western neighbours, to be more exact. That was such good news!   But the real shock was their reason for being there. They were basically trying to invalidate a prophecy which announced the world would end, as the Gods would release the giant sea creature holding together the waters surrounding the world. They had set out to find the Voice of humans that apparently would begin all this Apocalypse, because they believed this Voice was going to stop it, not just announce it. They did so with a huge globe of Star Essence, which they had gathered, over the years, by laying offerings by the rocky edges of none other than the Sapphire Fountain!   And when they saw Lullaby among us, they immediately knelt and then they revealed a flag, it seems a flag with a fish on it. Lullaby was that Voice, and they had come to fight under her. They immediately felt she was the Voice, though, no questions asked. Based on what, other than feeling? Nothing. They had no idea whom they were seeking. But they just knew. I smiled widely. These people had come from the distant North to fight the End and they didn't need much to understand it. Of course, our message helped. Bless Nixie and Verfy for having this idea, I swear. Bless them a thousand times.   The Orkmaaians, 2,000 in number, all pledged their fealty to Lullaby and declared they would fight in the war to come. Lullaby was so taken aback she didn't know what to say other than thanking them for being there, for coming, really. They had endured a long voyage, including journeying down the Road of Storms, fighting Fatorarkians and even dragons. And they still made it. With the blessing of the little Sylphs in the Fountain, who had given them small pieces of Star Essence for so long... Now, it was ours.....   I wasn't sure how to treat this wonderful treasure. But soon we would find a perfect use for such a gift. You see, journal, the Orkmaaians also knew something about the Continent. They were aware of it and wanted to reach it too, because that was the place of the pure elements of the world, closest to the pure world of the Gods. We then realized that, indeed, the Continent may have a strong link to the Primordial World, but how?   Magic was always more... fluid, there. Elementals themselves are fluid in their magical essence, interacting with the elements that compose the world. We soon came to the realization that the Continent was probably a place closer to the other Dimensions than the rest. Like you have 9 planes, you have 9 dimensions one parallel to each other, and there's places where these lines almost converge. Why, I can't tell, maybe that's how the world rearranged after being broken in 9. But the proof was there. The Continent was special, that was obvious, and this explanation really covered it well.   I wanted to hug those Orkmaaians. They came at exactly the right time. I could see we were far from being alone. YOu know, after those lonely months at sea, through the Desolation, after this incredible adventure in xy, we got the feeling that we were the only ones moving around, the only ones trying. But, parallel to us, there are so many others. Each trying their best to round up for this war. The Orkmaaians were just some of them. And they brought us so much help, it's insane.   I was very mesmerised to hear about the rune that the Orkmaaian leader tattooed on his forehead. The Orkmaaians use a different rune system to the Gavan one. They tattoo runes to the skin, or draw them on shields or swords, and these runes instead of using the specificities of magic to order magic in a way so as to give a certain effect... these runes are spiritual symbols that work with the wearer directly, so that magic is ordered according to the will inscribed in that rune. For example, the shields of the Orkmaaians were inscribed with a rune which indicates resilience, so that they become tougher. Their feeling of resilience and steadfastness, concentrated in this symbol, orders the magic within them so that it expresses itself in the physical world as actual resilience. So they don't have to pour magical essence into the rune. It's.... completely different, and amazing.   And this leader had a special rune on his forehead. It symbolized a journey to an end and back from that end. It was a summary, really, of the Apoocalypse we were facing. A journey to an end. But that end was not really an end. You would return from it. I felt that. We had gone to the very beginnings. To that black hole. The symbol of End. Death itself, this Golgot. And we came back and fight for life. If I could, I would try to shape this rune on an armor somehow, and wear it. But I'm blind, alas...   We quickly decided on some logistics. I won't delve too much into them, basically we were trying to see how we could integrate the Orkmaaians in the overall forces we would send to the Continent. But now we had a new innovative idea. We wanted to actually BUILD an interdimensional gate! Using our knowledge of the Continent as closest to the other dimensions, our supply of star essence and Lullaby as a spirit-bender, we could do it!   A few months ago I would've laughed off such ideas as arrogant and stupid. But now they seem almost logical, natural, really. It's not our own strength, not just that, anyway, it's that we are in tune with this war, and we finally carry this flag of God that we need to keep upright against the armies of evil.   Or maybe that's just arrogance getting to me. You know, I sometimes wonder, why is it so effective to get their hopes up, before destroying them in one fell swoop. I have been thinking of it. It's not the first time it's happening. I am sometimes afraid this is just like Legondol. We win, we get some wonderful messages across... then we lose everything. Just like that.   God, it's so effective, you could rule a soul like that.   So we prepared a way in which to actually build a gate. But first, we had to go back to the Dimension of Spirit, where Lullaby had to prepare the army and get the approval of their Assembly to wage war on Xantinya. You see, in their land you can't wage war if this Parliament of representatives of the people does not approve it. That's nice. I was kind of mad Nixie didn't like it. She said something like "That's why it's easier with the Orshag". Yea, and when the consequences of unleashing all that knowledge in that dictatorship will finally come to bite you back, how will it be...?   I guess I'm just a Nut for nice-sounding systems of government. I'm Ionolian, after all. We are an oddity among the humans of our world. We kept the old 30 Peoples' tradition of representative governing bodies. The Republics of old. Then again, Damaschini is also a fan, since he helped build the Alomirese Union. But I always thought Elves are not in love with tyrannical regimes. Nixie really enjoys them for some reason.   No time to ponder on that, though. Anywhoo, as we were preparing to leave, Nixie suddenly remembered Anevys was left behind in the chest! With the branch of the Primordial Tree! We all instantly panicked, because the chest was, well, acting very differently when brought into its home dimension. Nixie immediately asked Miyun to go retrieve Anevys and the branch, as "Kataria princess". So Miyun jumped in. Then Nixie and the rest grabbed the chest and we left the dimension and......   Why did we do that??? A couple of minutes into entering the Dimension of Spirit, Damaschini decided to enter the chest himself to search for poor Miyun. He finally found her, unconscious, and we had to use our medical knowledge to get her back on her feet. She wasn't breathing at first.... We all got a good scare... Seems she was caught in a special room when the dimensions switched and all went black and no air was left... Horrid, to have the entire world around you disappear like that.... I can't imagine what poor Miyun went through.   Nixie felt bad for sending Miyun like that, and she surely wanted to get her revenge. But the cunning little Kataria princess decided to instead extract from Nixie that the chest belongs to her. Nixie tried to go around it, tried to phrase it in any other way... but finally half-heartedly admitted it... And all it took was almost killing Miyun! Hah! We are a funny bunch of people.   On our way, we also spent a lot of time discussing what we should do next. Build the gate, that much is clear, but then what? Send armies to the Continent? We were also worried about Lullaby joining us. Our worries became even more poignant when she suddenly collapsed and threw up. She is feeling very ill, and her due date might come at any time, as we'd later find out. So should we take her with us, or not?   Poor Lullaby could only say that she wanted to help us, but not encumber us. She wanted to come, too, because she wanted to help in the war, and she wanted to lead her army, not cower behind the gate. She couldn't expect others to die if she didn't put her own life on the line as well. There was something else, too. Dillen pointed out that Lullaby giving birth was a good moment for the immortal Elves to try to kill her without drawing too much attention. They could make it look like an incident at birth, especially since Lullaby is so weakened. Even if dying in childbirth is incredibly rare in this dimension, it's still a possibility... The very idea shook me. I hadn't given a lot of thought, but the idea of Lullaby giving birth anywhere suddenly makes me anxious. She could be attacked. We should be able to defend her...   Nixie and Verfy were staunchly against Lullaby coming with us. To them, it felt that it would invalidate all our efforts to save her and Rafil till now, especially the opening of xy. Well, it's not the same, I mean Rafil was going to die, for sure, 100%, because of Xantinya, now it's just a risk that Lullaby's taking, to come with us. As Lullaby put it, if we lose this, we will all die and all is in vain. Our decision to open xy paid off the moment Lullaby saved Rafil, in my opinion. It's a decision we will have to live with, whatever happens. Lullaby sure knows that. She blames herself for the immortal Elves... And now simply wants to make amends.   So she said she'd do what we wanted her to do. But we couldn't even decide on it. In the end, we kind of decided she's coming only to send a message to the other interdimensionals. You see, there were other interdimensionals, the ones that followed Sikorki's apprentice and who wanted to police the world and control who had access to plane manipulations. They were kind of our enemies, but Lullaby wanted to try to sway them on our side. After one of them tried to kill her, that was nice. No one said it's idiotic, like Zarkuz. Hm. Voices scream in me that it's all because we're desperate, not because we understand anything about letting go of personal hurts. But I won't believe these voices.   We also debated whether we should march to war in the first place. Maybe just send in the armies, while we go somewhere else? You see, Tallion had a very unnerving theory about the purpose of Xantinya and the immortal Elves. They went to each dimension because each dimension has a tower linked with Hell. Golgot served as "tower" in xy. And they would all do something in the same time, probably on solstice day. That is in a couple of days....... What could they do, other than, maybe... Collapse the 9 dimensions back into one? Reverse the Almighty's decision? Do the ultimate "justice"? It made sense, but then what could they gain from it? Lullaby had a theory. Maybe it's so they can control us. A world collapsed back into the primordial world would probably be a mess, a world of chaos, where there might not even be your conventional reality anymore. And in that chaos and desperation, of losing sense of all reality, our souls could be forever imprisoned. I could see that work. Devilish, symbolic and fitting. I am almost pleased with the art of it. It would be gorgeous.   Can you imagine it? NO, that's the beauty. Nothingnesses can never imagine what they haven't already seen. When they will see the impossible, when they will all collapse one into the other, they will never be able to recover. Their minds will break, like a soft fruit, revealing the seed of their soul inside......   Sorry, ,Anevys, I'm going mad again. Scratch that part, please. Ah, I know you never do. You just write everything I say, don't you? Oh well, there you go, mad Eve.   Finally, we decided to march into the Continent with the army, and see if we could help immediately, if Xantinya was there, if we could find the other interdimensionals or other clues. If not, then we would go find a tower and stop at least in one place the Change they were planning.   We also sent Lullaby to her doctors. We were going to visit her later. Going back to the Gate-building, we got Lullaby's help with materials (stones, basically), while she went back to Radov to try to get the Parliament to vote for the war tomorrow. She said that's very fast for them, but she'll try. Since the Parliament was "in session" that should've been possible. In the meanwhile we would build a gate. But how to build a gate? Poppy-Eve wondered, and Axe-Eve laughed. And if we wanna reach the Continent, shouldn't we build the gate in its equivalent area in this dimension? Which is... the bottom of the sea, apparently? Because their central sea looks a bit like the Continent.   Alas, we had a way to go about it. Nixie's feelings for her home, the Continent, could serve as the guiding principle for the gate. I swear, I love the dimension of Spirit. It's much more fun than magic. And it's surprisingly complex. Spirit manipulation is not really a manipulation as much as it's using the path of the Spirit plane. Nixie could travel through the Spirit plane all the way to the place in this dimension which was closest to the target of her feelings: a certain lake in the Continent, where she shared many fun afternoons with her fiance. I found that very nice.   Without delving too much into technical details, we had to build a gate using the star essence which would act as our link to the Primordial world, which invalidated the differences between dimensions. We had Nixie as our guide to link the place on the planes where we were building our gate to the place we wanted to reach in the Continent. We then needed a mechanism that could make the gate work, and a philosophy for how it works. We chose to go with "it's not two separate places the gate links, but the same place, in an alternative plane". So we created a symmetrical structure, which... damn! Looked like the symbol for quartz, which is the alchemic material used to conduce magic...... I mean.... How it all comes together! I feel so privileged for being able to pry into these things. The world truly is a beautiful place. I feel that whenever I understand one more ounce of its rules and regulations.   We built the gate, one pillar in the middle and two slabs opposite to it, on each side, like mirrors. The slabs and pillar were made of stone in which Damaschini had infused all the star essence. I think the essence will slowly consume over time as the Gate gets used, because plane manipulations like this tend to have the effect of garbage, that is, lost material. It's the rule of entropy, as Kelly explained it. After all, our gate was not a perfect gate, but a gate for us, Nothingnesses, hah!   We then had to draw the path, which we did by dreaming the same dream, and following Nixie. Oh, God, the dream. By this point, we had rejoined with Lullaby, who had delivered a speech to the world about the need to join the war. I won't delve into details, but I recorded it on another paper. She was feeling slightly better, but was still weak. She was in a weird state. It seems she could enter into labour at any point, so we had to be extra careful. All those months of letargy didn't help her body, which was so weak and incapable of supporting both her and Rafil. She was struggling to keep up with the immense pressure around her, the war, the speech, the army, the everything. On top of her own feelings, which she keeps repressing just so she can move forward. You know, she hasn't smiled once since she woke up. She did smile once, just as we had arrived in the Dimension of Spirit... when Verfy called me to play a game with Lullaby, and I smiled, and then she smiled back at me! It was such a beautiful smile. The smile of a person who really needed one. But I'm afraid it's going to be an outlier. Lullaby doesn't smile now. She's all dressed in black, almost running everyhwere, even though she shouldn't, but really there's so much to do!! If only I could carry her around, I swear I would... But she would never let me anyway. Stubborn one. Even more than me, and that says something.   Going back to the dream, I thought it would be fun, but it really wasn't. The dream was very weird, because we saw things we hadn't necessarily seen before, it was not a dream made of memories. Our spirit was basically out of our bodies and travelling through a world that existed, but not for our eyes, so we kind of distorted the reality we were seeing, like a lot. It was a very weird alternative world. And then, there was Nixie, who was in no mood to be a real guide and instead got lost, her, of all of us!!!!!!!! We had to dream twice in order to finish our journey... But we did. We had to go underwater and follow some fish. It was nice, overall, and very weird, but by God can't Nixie just swim down! She always wanted back up and I was getting frustrated. Still, she found a golden staff on the ocean floor and pushed it in and managed to get to the other side, which was the lake she was thinking about. Then we woke up and saw the pillar of the gate glimmer. We had done it.... We had done it!   We couldn't contain our amazement. We almost immediately rushed in, and teleported on the shore of this lake, where I still am now... The shock when we saw how it actually worked... And the realization that we were there, in the Continent... I looked at the sky, as I look now, I hate it, but I love that I can finally see it. We are where we should be.   From there, we decided to split so we could cover more ground. Lullaby, Nixie and Kelly went back to prepare the army. Lullaby's speech was a resounding success, and the Parliament had voted to join the war against Xantinya. Now, we just had to prepare the army. Verfy, Marc and Isbel bravely decided to go north to find the army of the Continent. You see, we have met a local, a Pomenian (earth-elemental) who told us the army may be north. In the meanwhile, Damaschini and Miyun flew south-west to find more about the Orcish attacks in the region.   The rest of us remained at the gate, near this ravaged city in Pomenia called Detrino. The Orcs had laid waste to it... In the night we could hear the howling of wolves. Goblins... I for one tried to use my time to swing that sword of mine better. Now in the dimension of magic it felt so easy, so... natural to wield it. A delight!   I showed it to Bart. He was very impressed. He also asked me about my overall state, and I couldn't hide it anymore. I wanted to tell him, but I'm again held back by my fear of losing him... But, that's not how it works. I'm his fiance now, his soon-to-be-wife. I can't just hide stuff from him. I told him everything, everything about my stupid state and my demonic thoughts and memories. He, as always, never judges, never gets angry. He told me he can help me by being there, listening to me tell him about these thoughts and memories... It did help a little, yes. Telling them to someone else helps me separate them from my other thoughts... Makes me feel them for the dirty demonic thoughts they truly are...   Sometimes, though, I wish Bart would just slap me or something. Beat me up. I deserve a beating. I don't have energy to waste on demonic thoughts. A big war is coming. Very very big. Until now we had lost a few battles. We need to win. There's no more ground to lose. If we lose now, we are truly lost...   I feel it. As we sit here, waiting for the rest to return, and for Lullaby's Redochian and Orkmaaian army to come through the gate. We are soon to go to a war bigger than everything, and of course I'm afraid. I'm afraid we're not strong enough. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to make any difference... I'm afraid for us all, for Bart, for Nixie, for Verfy, Tallion, Damaschini, Miyun, Xixi, Drenizek, Dillen, Kelly, Vas, Marc, Isbel, Iz even. I'm afraid for Lullaby, who's about to give birth but still does everything in her power to continue the fight, and for her son.   But if being afraid does any good, it's that it reminds me of the immense love i bear to so many people. I used to love only a couple. Now I feel I love more, with more power, more stability, more.. trueness in it.... Maybe that's our salvation. We all love more now.   We are all marching for this love, against the hate brought against the world. I know it's common and kind of worn out to say it, but Good always prevails. Because God is Good, and Evil is just an absence, a hole in the sky.   We have chosen the Continent to make our stand. Our last stand. Our steps were ours to make, but they all lead us here. All our choices converge, and now it's about time we face the consequences. Are we able to to this? I don't know. That's the magic of faith. YOu don't have to know. You believe.   And hope is the weapon we'll use to slash into this Evil.   May the Almighty give us strength, and may we prevail.  

Anevys wrote it down as it was told. They said not to bring stuff from other dimensions here, but this piece of paper can be an exception.   * * *   I address this to the whole world, to all dimensions, to all those who can hear it. I do so not to command, or require, or claim anything from any of you. Not because I would have any right to speak in your names, or to have you listen to me. I do so because I want to plea for your help, and to plead for something dear to me.   First of all, my plea is to my dear Redochians, who have for so long sacrificed their all for the Values of freedom, God and country. It is because of these sacrifices that it pains me to make this plea, but also for these sacrifices that I know my plea will be understood.   You all felt the message that captain Nernixis of the Sapphire Sword and her crew sent us. A message that permeated the soul, directly, not through our senses, but through our very conscience. I was right there, when that most brave and selfless woman, my dear friend Eve, sent the message, from the dimension of xy to all dimensions, to all people living in them. By now, we can all understand the magnitude of this, we can all grasp the importance of the events unfolding right in front of us.   You must wonder about this war. We have seen wars fought against tyranny before, we have fought many such wars ourselves. But this isn’t a war like the rest of them. As captain Nernixis so aptly pointed out, it is a war both within us and without. It is a war where the object of the struggle is the very nature of our world, of all our dimensions: these imperfect huddles of souls, where we are born, live and die under the star of one great hope, that we may rise from this the great evils and small pettiness, from the great suffering and small inconvenience, from all that makes this world imperfect, and climb those steps that our own innate imperfection forged us, to reach back to our home, our home beside God Almighty.   Some of you may not believe in Him, and to those I’ll say: look at these forces gathering to take down our souls, to imprison them. You think this is a war for territory, or power, or even a war for destruction? Then why haven’t they attacked us all? Why haven’t these undead, these endless legions of slave-soldiers with no mind, already attacked us too? Why is the enemy so keen to take down the symbols of our hope, of the beauty within our world, why does it target all that would elevate us? You saw that great beech tree, the Primordial Tree of the Elves in the dimension of magic, and how Xantinya targeted it. It is not the first time this happened. You all remember the UFDX. You all remember Xantinya's terrible wars of conquest. They were just prelude. In the span of 15 years, the dimensions have been losing their symbols, entire nations have been uprooted, and our ideals were mocked, or simply erased. If in the dimension of magic they have mocked the very idea of life, by raising the dead as magic-controlled puppets, now they simply want to create new sorts of puppets everywhere, untethered from what made us conscious beings. We saw that with the great dictatorships of our time, which turned us all into slaves: no identity, no purpose, no higher goal to reach, no voice to use, no choice to make. Choices were being made for us, in our name, for their benefit.   Now, it's a similar recipe, but much more far-reaching, and, I must stress this, it's permanent. Xantinya aims to change the very way in which this world works, so we can all be trapped in this slavery, little better than the undead she now commands. Us now, and future generations as well, all trapped in a world where she can control us, deny our choices, lock away our souls.   So, even if you don't believe in the Almighty, now that you have seen the Devil's face, I still ask you to think of your freedom to choose, your freedom to understand yourself and the world in your own way. We have seen that being challenged before. Now, it's much worse. Now, we almost won't know when the executioner's axe will fall all the way to the end, and chop our heads off.   Almost. Almost, because these brave people that you listened to two days ago warned us. They came here, after travelling their world, and the vast expanse of the xy dimension, in order to be able to tell you of the war. They told you better than I could ever do now what is going on in their world, with their home. But I am sure you can understand, and relate. You have seen our freedom stripped from us before, you have seen your home overrun, partitioned and destroyed before. Well, our war, our struggle, that's a story that only made us stronger, more vigilant and more ready to spot the evil and injustice committed around us. We learned the importance of hope, of protecting that chance to always be more, that aspiration to grow. Now this will be taken from us.   This is what the war is all about. So it is not a matter of getting involved in someone else's struggle. This is the struggle of everyone here. Yes, it may take different forms in different dimensions, but do not think that we are safer here. Xantinya's ultimate goal, once again, is not destruction, but permanent subjugation.   For all these reasons, I plead for our country to join the war currently raging on around us. Through any means possible. And I am first of all talking about the war in the dimension of magic. There, Xantinya is currently planning to wipe out yet another great nation of that dimension, after ruining so many: the Continent of Elements, the home country of captain Nernixis and of Verfys the fire elemental, whom you've come to know. She has amassed her armies of undead and Orcs - yes, you know them - to exact revenge on those who have defeated her before. The Continent is inhabited by millions of elementals, and all risk being massacred to the last one, right now, as we speak. Right now, Xantinya ravages through their lands.   It is not something I do with an easy heart. We have already endured many wars. The last war, which only ended two years ago, cost the lives of 67 thousand of our brave soldiers, and more than 2 thousand civilians. The Unlawful war of 2001-2003 cost the lives of almost a million. But do you remember then, when Vodonia and the Gorod Castle Alliance and Bavareso and Kurmensak and Conia were all invading us, all our neighbours attacking us for no better reason than the hatred of some, the ambition of others, and the desire to split the world neatly between superpowers, with no care to what really happens beyond the border lines on maps? Do you remember how we hoped, and wanted, to have someone at our backs, someone to support us? We had allies, but the alliances were broken, and nobody came.   But now the Continent of Elements is faced with a similar problem. Invaded by armies far larger than their own, for no reason other than the plans of Xantinya to enact her twisted justice and revenge, destroy all those who would dare oppose her New World and secure the subjugation of all... Aren't they the same, if not worse? For back then we were invaded by mere men, for worldly purposes. Now this war has much greater stakes, as I've said. In this crucial hour, every country in every dimension can see, there is no better time to help, no better time to support them.   Why Redochia? Why us? Remember, I address this plea to everyone, in all Dimensions. But I am your queen, so I plead first with you. And I know you understand the best. You have been in this situation. But that hasn't made you look the other way. All this war hasn't made you try to avoid this new one. You hate war, I hate war, obviously... But somehow, war won't leave us. Because those who wage it... They wage it over our soul. And as the soul is immortal, so is their desire to continue the war. So we are faced with a choice. Join it or not. Ignoring it is not an option.   It is at this point that I have to stop from my plea and explain a few things. I have talked about the object of this war, I have talked about why it is the most important war in our lifetime, possibly in our whole existence, I have talked about why we as Redochians can understand this war and should join it. But I have to confess some things now. I have disappeared for more than three months, together with my husband, your king, Bajid. You might have seen something in the message we all felt, but it is still very unclear. Well, I will explain. I owe you that, before I can finish any plea, or even claim to speak for you - or to you - at all.   We wanted to help the Dimension of Magic. Bajid and I. We knew about it, yes. But you know well what happened when Xantinya opened other dimensions and sent her armies there. We wanted to protect this Dimension, so we kept it secret. Still, others would find about it anyway, and in that respect I know I failed and I take full blame. My intent was to help them against Xantinya, because I learned first hand that she is alive there and waging her war. I knew full well how important it is to stop her, and I wanted to help them do it.   I did not want to abandon my country. But I knew about Xantinya, I realized the importance of this war... I couldn't ignore it, you see. You can always make a choice, but ignoring the choice is by far the worst sin you can commit. I could choose to not help them and stay home instead. I could drag you into this, but I wanted to avoid that until there was no other choice. Still, I felt that the time would come when I would have to ask for your help, so I prepared for it, and that is why today we have an army with the training and equipment to fight in a style that fits the Dimension of Magic - so we won't have a technological shock if we join the war and enter it. But at the time I still hoped I could help just on my own accord, with Bajid. And Ghighi, yes, I would be an idiot if I didn't mention him as well.   But I failed. I was stupid. I... lost Bajid. I didn't help him. Nor did I help you, because I couldn't return, and I abandoned my country, even if I didn't want to. It did happen. I was gone. That's what it is. And I didn't help them either, the people of the Dimension of Magic, because now they're in a dire situation, locked in a war they can't currently win.   I was wrong to ever think I could help just like that. And I pay the consequences for it. I will pay even more, once this is over. I don't expect to have any authority to do anything, after my decisions led only to the darkness we find ourselves in today.   That is why I am here, before you, pleading with you. Not as your queen *takes down crown* but as Lullaby Rastel-Rabent, who just like you felt the message and has something to say of this war. I have no authority to ask, but I still have the burning desire to plead, and the duty to give everything I have for this.   For there are things beyond our lives, beyond our countries, and even our dimensions. They are very few. But they are. And this war is about protecting them. The Values that we hold dear, that's what I am talking about. These values of Love, Hope and Faith, that Xantinya wants to tear away, they are worth everything else, just to keep them here, just to keep them inside all of us. Maybe you don't have that much of one or the other, or of any, but you all want to have at least the POSSIBILITY to have them, right?   I don't know what more to say... I look at you, honoured members of Parliament, and I can imagine the looks on all the faces of people listening to me, looking at this broadcast, and I know you don't want more war and death, but it's coming. I have to be that kind of messenger. And send a message of war. But if God had called us to stay put, and let our souls be consumed... no. You all heard it. You all saw it. Fight. The Fight. These people have been fighting ceaselessly for the past year. Let us help them. Let us answer to their call, that touched our souls, our very souls. How can we not respond to a message like this? How can we sit back and try to protect life, when the very things that give life sense are at stake?! Without these values, life is just... un-life. A space in time. An existence of slavery to whoever can direct our souls. Xantinya, that is.   For all these reasons, I plead with you: let us come help the Continent, and the Dimension of Magic, and anyone currently suffering the full brunt of this war. I call upon you to raise arms against the one who wants to steal the real meaning of Life from us: let us march against Xantinya, and protect all our souls. She can be beaten, and she must be beaten, and she will be beaten! For Xantinya may cover the skies in thick clouds, but she cannot extinguish the flame of the Sun!   ...   People of other countries, of other dimensions, I speak to you too, I plead to you too. We may join this war today, or not. But you could make the same decision. You have the same choice. It is not by any authority on my part that I make this plea to you. It is for the sake of these brave people still fighting. They are fighting for us all, you know. They sent the message to us. Are we going to answer? Are we going to join? Will we let them fight alone for us all? Or are we going to be there? This is no longer a Union versus Anticommunist League war. This is no longer about any of that. I make the same plea to the peoples of the Union as I do to our allies in the League.   And to those who say they love peace, I tell you: peace is not politically correct. Peace is not achieved by not confronting the existential threats lurking in this world. In an imperfect world, we have to accept the existence of, and confront the evils that make it imperfect. Not ignore them, not look the other way, but confront them. Confront them! Fight! Fight and never give up! The moment we choose the quiet way out, that's the moment evil will triumph! You still think I exaggerate when I say "evil"? Look again. Think again that beautiful message that was sent to us! Analyse it well!   We all have a choice. I thank God for bringing captain Nernixis and her crew to this point, where they were able to send this message. They are truly the heroes of our time. They are people who, despite all hardship, despite the power of the enemy, have never ceased fighting. If not for the sake of anything I've laid down above, then at least for their sake, for the sake of these people and for the people like them who keep fighting in the Dimension of Magic, please, join them! Help them!   We will show Xantinya why she can never win. The flag we fly is that of immortal Values. That will never fall.   She will try to break us. She did break me. I am sorry, Bajid. But now I will continue the fight that you carried, that you died for. And I plea with you to join me. That is all.   ...   And your people will never forget your sacrifice. I love you, Bajid.

"All the world is new, for all transforms. Only the immutable souls age, and age ceaselessly" - Illien the Great, in his Letters to a Better Man   Dear journal,   It's a candid morning here in Radov. I'm once again thankful to Anevys for helping me, for writing this. I feel like a normal human being for once. You know, expressing thoughts, maybe, with some luck, even normal thoughts! I sip my little tea (they have plenty of tea here, apparently, and it's very inexpensive) and look out the window at the rainy gravel in the palace yard, looking at the guards changing. It's a lively place, here, must be said, even on such a drab day.   I must still go back to xy, for we have endured much there, before reaching the Dimension of Spirit. Yes, we left xy. It feels like the end of an era. We spent something like 3 months in there, and it feels like both an eternity and a single moment. It is a little sad, to be honest, to part in such a way with that dimension. It was a constantly dangerous, weird, convoluted mess, but so am I, so I can relate. I also feel like we left without at least attempting at preventing the series of disasters that has started once we met Soreoth the evil Elf. But there you go... It's kind of our pattern, we go in, make an even bigger mess, help to some extent, then leave prematurely.   Unfortunately, we had no time. And even with this hurry, we still have no time. It feels like all the time in the world has drained. Looking at these little droplets sliding down the window, slowly moving one into another, gaining weight... then suddenly falling down... it feels like our problems and troubles.... They amass, till they are too much, then - slam - they come crashing down, no time to react...   I wish I had more time to simply breathe in the rain, or enjoy a nice sight. I've seen things my kind has never dreamt of seeing, I have witnessed things of both great beauty and great horror. But I had little to no time absorbing it all. Maybe if we had more time, we would understand things in another light, maybe then things would be easier. But we don't, so we have to make do.   I can't even remember all that well. I can remember what happened before, but it feels distant. As to what happens to me day by day, after the Black Hole... I don't know, I keep forgetting at times. It's hard because every thought I have is echoed by a thousand more. It's confusing, too. Sometimes, I feel like I hate myself even more. The more I do, the more I feel like I did not grow at all. That I am the same little brat that used to annoy her father, upset the others and generally cause trouble everywhere. Only with a splash of demonic energy to spice things up. And by splash I mean a whole bucket-full. But that's how it is, some people grow, others wallow. It would take more than one miracle to make Eve Parion a normal human.   Anyways, our journey in xy was coming to an end. We had sent the message, and now we had to do something about it. We were coursing space on the pirate ship I wrote about last time. On the first day of my convalescence, we had a weird talk about my general state of being. As I said, I even attacked poor Tallion. I felt so bad I wanted to avoid them all again. I felt more monstrous than ever. But something in me wanted to keep doing it, to keep scaring them. It's like I can feed off their fear now. Can I? Just what exactly have I become...?   Keeping the story together... while we were travelling through space, we planned to celebrate Verfy's birthday and Nixie proposed that we do so by celebrating our crewmates too. T'seems Verfy used to celebrate her birthday together with her many siblings, back in the Continent when she was a child. So it would be nice if she could do so along her new family, among people who didn't get to celebrate their birthdays. It was a very nice idea, and one that showed how kind both Verfy and Nixie are. Sometimes it's these small things that lift people up the most. Not grand moves, or great deeds. I don't need Nixie to be a grand hero in order for me to follow her, for the same reason. But we'll get back to that.   So, for Verfy's birthday, Damaschini forged a weapon for every single one of them: Marc, Isbel, Dillen, Drenizek, Vas (well, Vas got a shield). And of course Damaschini reforged Flavia, Verfy's twin blackfire sword, the one ruined by the Abomination. Needless to say that everyone loved their gift. Verfy especially was very touched. She was also very enthusiastic about the idea of us having a tournament of sorts, a contest of strength and guile. I always knew Verfy wanted an excuse to pummel us all, hah! The others wanted even more competitions, like running or even some kind of pickup-line contest, but we never got to do those (yeesh).   The tournament itself was a very chaotic affair. We all gathered in the exterior garden of the palace, where we drew a rectangle on the grass. In the centre we put a chair surrounded by barrels, each containing some kind of surprise tool (like rocks, or a pan). All of us positioned ourselves in a cricle within the rectangle. The rules of the tournament were simple: last one inside the rectangle still standing wins.   Obviously, I was at a disadvantage. What's worse than a paper girl? A blind paper girl. I was not really into fighting, especially since I was afraid of what I could do if someone were to really hit me or annoy me. So I clowned around for the most part. Good thing was no one really wanted to mess with me, for obvious reasons (pity, pity, pity). I did get to hit Tallion, though. Hah. Isbel got him good I heard. I could hear it during the tournament itself, as Tallion was squealing in pain after every hit by our hardy cook.   The fight was actually quite intense. I didn't understand much of it, obviously, but it did sound like very serious business. I expected a couple of heavyweights to win (Verfy, Damaschini, Xixi, Drenizek), in the end, Kelly won, she's much tougher than it seems. And she seems tough to begin with. See? Kelly is so strong, and still beautiful even if she's over 40. I can't even see anymore, and I faint after 5 minutes of running, and I'm a potato-face to begin with.   But enough of my whining. It was a fun tournament. I even got to play around with Bart during the fight. Even hit him - by mistake, though. We should've teamed up but he wanted to gang up on Verfy and I'm not gonna betray her. Plus, I don't want to fight Bart. At least in this way. Woops.   We continued to spend day after day after day in the chest. I had to do something with my time... Verfy takes care of Lullaby now, and while I often check up on them and pay them visits, it's not the same. I know she's doing a great job... She's not even affected by Balan, like I am. Makes sense, she is a strong soul, not like me. I wonder if Balan is just messing with me right now. Maybe. I'd certainly mess with Verfy that way. I even thought of trying to take .... eh. Nevermind. Scratch that, Anevys. Don't write this! ............   I decided I had to fight through this ordeal. I can't let this energy take over me. I tried to empower myself with the kindness in Verfy's heart when she takes care of Lullaby, with my own feelings towards them all, and especially with the desire I have to protect them and this world. From evil, from my own evil.... Evil is too vague, but MY evil? That's as concrete as it goes. And boy do I have a lot of evil!   So I worked on that. Yes, it's the dimension of death. That's what makes it better! The struggle, the harshness. I re-read some interesting passages from Illien's letters. Found the one I used as a quote, too, very fitting for how I feel now. But another interesting passage regarded the nature of blessing. How it can manifest itself both as magic and as... well... pure feeling. Most of the time, the true blessings come not as actual magic. But count for more. So I tried to reverse this, I tried to take that something more from my soul, ready-made as it was, and manifest it into magic. I worked hard for it, every second, to conceive my desire to protect in a weapon befitting one that seeks the Almighty's forgiveness. A sword of light, like the sword that had to slash the darkness of the Desolation...   And with the evil within me stirring at every step, with those terrible visions of fear and hate in my brain, I could even more clearly see the good, and feel its grip on myself. And so, one day, I made it. I forged a sword of light. And I could feel the sword, not see, but understand. And it moves with my feeling, and my desire to protect. It will take a while for me to get used to using it. But now I can really protect them. I will be careful how and when I use such power, though... Sometimes, I wonder... One thought, one step... And I could turn this sword of light in a baneblade with which I could destroy all... Is it safe for me to have such a possibility? Shouldn't crazies like me be mercy-killed and be done with it? The world shouldn't allow such dangers to walk its shores.   Anywhoo, we reached Abb-Idi, a star sector close to the Black Hole, from where we took the Evo Drives. Seems the Commonwealth took over them as soon as news of the war transpired. They did it easily, because the ITA had not been aware of the war. Information spreads weirdly in this Dimension. Whoever is closer by Evo-Drive to the source has a huge, unfair advantage. Oh well.   While in our travel via the Evo-Drives, I got to talk a bit with Nixie and Verfy about what happened. You see, I can't really sleep all that well. SOmetimes, I cling tight to Bart and I feel calm, and fall asleep, but oftentimes I keep having the same visions in my brain, a pulsating eye of Xenatine, piercing through me, not really looking at me, but looking through me, making ME look through it, and seeing the world through its lenses... A world of horror, of sin, of ugliness. It's tiring.   One of those evenings, I was walking along the corridor when I heard a heated discussion between the girls. Since my name was mentioned, I barged in like an idiot and asked if I could join. It seems they were talking about the Black Hole. Nixie was very sad that I had sent the message, and that she let me. It seems she was conflicted by her own choice to let me do it. She didn't want to sacrifice me. That's sweet, but... I wanted to do it. What's her part in this? Didn't she try to find some other solution? Yes. There was no other solution. Oh. She thought it's not worth to send a message, to save the world, if it meant I had to die.   But then again, she didn't understand the difference. I didn't go die so I could send the message. I went in to look at the Hole to send the message. If that meant dying, I was prepared for it, but it was not ABOUT the dying. Dying was just a consequence I was ready to face. Proof of the importance of this difference is that I'm somehow alive... Nixie thinks it's luck. That kind of hurts, to be honest. Is it my luck? Their luck? Is luck even a thing? I love to think that even if we make our own choices, the Almighty knows not to burden us with more than we can carry. That sounds like a nice touch on His part. So, my death would've been maybe too much. FOr them. So I didn't die. That's not luck. That's the Almighty looking after us idiots.   But yea, generally Nixie was very very upset, and was almost mad at me for existing, for sending the message, because I spread all these bad vibes. I made her feel guilty. Well sorry! What can I say. Everything these days is about princess Nixie of the Elves! And then she feels guilty for making this about herself, she feels guilty for feeling guilty so she tries to hid it under a very thin veil of lies. As if!!! The only thing worse than feeling all these things is lying about it to your friends who know you! I swear, Nixie would do everything in her power to run away from her problems instead of facing them! She'd rather lie about her feelings than face them and resolve them! Oh well. Our captain is a mess, too, I guess.   She was also very scared that she wasn't a good captain, that she makes mistakes so no one should follow her, because "iT's NoT rIgHt". God! You're not happy with loyalty, either! Nothing satisfies you! You want a perfect world, where you don't make mistakes! Well it doesn't exist! But that doesn't mean we should abandon you or anything! What kind of sick system does Nixie have in her brain? If something's imperfect, you go 100% in the opposite direction and abandon it!?!??! Such absolutist stances are not what we fight for. That's the point, right? We fight for the nuance... Eh. Nixie isn't like that, but for some reason, she thinks like that when it comes to her.   I wish she were able to see her valor through our eyes, maybe that would calm her down. But she's both very scared of her own flaws and very sensible to anyone pointing them out, so... Maybe I should have sugarcoated some of my remarks. I don't want her to resent me... I know she still kind of does. It's the Hole, or maybe Lullaby, or Bart.... but I get this feeling that something I do just rubs her wrong.....   As for Verfy, I admire her resilience. She was unphased by Nixie's unpleasant attempts at stopping the discussion. Like "I don't think I have anything to say about this to you now" or stuff like that. Rude. Verfy tries her best to help people, and it's this kind of response that makes her think she's actually hurting them instead of helping them! And then Verfy starts second-guessing herself and so she suffers and so we all slowly start to feel miserable.   I swear, Nixie's attitude kind of runs this place. If she's down, everyone is. I know she's scared of this influence she has, but it can be a good thing, too, and should be. She should focus on that. Because somehow she got Kelly, Drenizek, Dillen, and everyone in between, to care about her darn feelings. And that's not easy. That proves how much influence she has. And her influence proves her qualities as a captain.   After this tense discussion, I went back to sleep, near my Bart. I told him what that was all about, and he seemed happy I talked to Nixie about it. I think.... He also remarked, cheeky as he is, that he'd want 6 children. Can you imagine me with 6 children? I'd kill them all through my sheer stupidity, I can't even take care of myself, let alone others! And 6 is an intense number, I look at Lullaby and I'm pretty convinced even 1 is enough work. And that's just getting one born! Still, the thought of it made me smile. I'd never really given it a lot of thought before, but I felt then that I wanted children. Mine and Bart's. The greatest proof and fruit of one's love. You know. But could I even bring someone to this world, blind demon-ridden idiot that I am? I'm afraid. And what if the child will turn out like me? I don't know. It made me think. I really, really want this. I bet the others would be like "ugh, no". And maybe I should steer clear. No one wants more madmen in this world.   Up to a point we had no problems travelling through the Evo-Drives. But at some point, the Orshag planner who was basically transporting our chest - and therefore us - through the Commonwealth came to report that the Evo-Drive between the star sector we had reached - Naizate - and the First Path was... down. Kelly explained us that such a thing was impossible, the Evo-Drives had never shut down, not even during the worst wars. But now it was the ITA who was at war, so maybe they did something. But the whole philosophy of these people was to let the Evo-Drives function, so that the galaxy could be reachable, connected.   But then, something even weirder happened: the Evo-Drive restarted. That was impossible, by any standards. This complex machine needed a huge time to get going, because it used you know plane-woosh-woosh.. Nixie panicked, and said that it can't be a coincidence that it restarted after we arrived there. Conclusion: it was a trap, and we should stay.   As I stated before, we had no time left. So staying would be a disaster. I didn't go through it, but I'll explain now. We had decided to go to the Dimension of Spirit in order to help Lullaby out. Wake her up, maybe even help her with the incoming birth of her child. You know. Plus make sure she's going to be all right in her country. We didn't know what had transpired there. So we were rushing back to the gate. We also wanted to reach our dimension as soon as possible.   I wonder if Nixie considered helping Lullaby, or just dropping her off somewhere so that she'd have one less burden to consider... Waking her up would ease Nixie's life, because she wouldn't feel guilty of abandoning a helpless person.   Anyway, it did seem that our plan included leaving Lullaby in her dimension and then returning alone (?) to the Continent, as if the message had never been sent and all that had been of no importance. If we planned on going back to fight in the Continent anyway, what's the use of the message? Or do you believe that people will magically react somehow to the message and... do .... what?! We didn't send a list of instructions, you know! We still have to coordinate this fight, right...? Or do we hope Lullaby will do that for us, once she wakes up? I don't know. I got very furious. Very, very furious.   My anger was also fueled by the fact that Nixie refused to try to convince the Commonwealth people to let us use the Evo-Drive that had just restarted. For safety reasons, they were currently refusing to allow anyone to board it. Nixie implied we are idiots for thinking that it could work, that the Commonwealth wouldn't just arrest us on the spot. She seemed a lot more optimistic when she accepted to become an information source and secret weapon for the Orshag. Oh well...   You know what? I'm pissed. Even now. Because after this whole ordeal with the Black Hole, Nixie's only reactions were anger that she let me do it, fear and angst. If nothing good came out of it for Nixie, then how should I feel!? I'm even worse off than before.   But after she had a dream of her angel Rostalon, she came to a different conclusion. We could talk to the Commonwealth people. Aha. Good thing the angles keep tabs on us. I swear I never felt so much anger at Nixie as I felt in those days. Sometimes it feels as if all we do is just one of her fever dreams, and it's all at random, and whatever we do has the same worth to her: zilch. The only things that are worth are the spin of the adventure. Oh and randoms she takes a liking to, like the pirate-captain Iz, a Nastaim who is now one of us, somehow.   I am so, so, so annoyed! Ah I should calm down. Anevys don't write this I'm just talking to myself.   Yes, I was mad at Nixie for the whole thing, but was secretly glad she decided to try our chances with the Commonwealth. And then she really seemed enlightened, happy, a fresh perspective. I was glad for her, I'm just... I'm just an idiot, and I feel bad for being mad at her. But it's just me, Monster-Eve. Anyway, we got out of the chest to confront the Commonwealth. We knew people would recognise us. Oh, they did. They did, all right... The whole Evo-Centre was aghast, and silent. Looking at us. Before we knew it, soldiers targeted us, and an official asked what we wanted...   Nixie started a speech. It was all so weird and sudden, they let her. Phew. Her speech was actually quite inspiring. She talked about the message, about the need to stop infighting and focus on the fight that is to come, the fight within us and without, on the importance of our mission, and our desire to go back and continue our side of the fight. She even tried to convince them to stop the war with the ITA and the Orshag (as if the Orshag would stop!). But, it worked! Nixie really struck a chord in these people that had felt in the message a series of feelings they were not really familiar with. Like having something above, watching over you, loving you. not something, but SOMEONE. Heh. Nixie is still afraid of talking about God in front of the Godless.   Anyway, the official was somehow convinced. He decided to let us use the Evo-Drive. Just us, not the rest. He still thought it was dangerous, of course, but he wanted us to be on our way. I think those people understood something. Not all, but something. They felt we were their friends. That we were simply trying to help...   Still, we did not know what awaited us on the other end. It's so strange with these Evo-Drives. You travel unfathomable distances, and you know not what awaits you at your destination. Usually you take it for granted, but now.. now we really didn't know what to expect. An Evo-Drive shut down and then restarted... what could it mean?   When we reached the Evo-Centre on Bethle, it was eerily quiet. We got out ready for a fight, but no one was there. The whole place sounded abandoned. Still, a weird feeling persisted, as if there were people there, or have been. Some strange echo of past voices. When Bart tried to see if he could interrupt some manipulations of the planes, he fell in the ground, as people explained to me! Which was strong indication that... the whole Evo-Centre was one huge manipulation... Steadily, we began to realize we were in something that wasn't real. The Evo Centre wasn't real. The others saw images of it being attacked by rockets, flying from giant ships which arrived from nowhere, bearing a symbol akin to a dead tree, upside down... The Elves. The darn Elves........... They had come here.   It took the ship virtually telling us to get out of there for us to actually get out of there. Tallion also insisted, because Nixie would not budge. Thank God for Tallion's sudden surge in insight. We got inside one of those rockets that they use to transport people from and to the Evo Centres. It also seemed like it was just a memory of the real rocket. Everything was... dead... The Evo-Centre disappeared right after the rocket took off.... It was all the memory of things lost, and Bethle itself was... well... ravaged. They could see from the rocket. The planet was filled with dark clouds, and debris and various remnants floated in the sky. I couldn't see them myself, of course, but could feel the extent of the destruction from the vibe of their voices, as they told me...   When we reached the landing platform in Vatan Armodar, the one we used to leave Bethle more than 2 months ago, almost nothing was left of it. Death and destruction, the after-scene of some gigantic battle. The city was eerily quiet, and it seems little was left of it, as I would soon find out. At first, I had to stay inside the chest, along with everyone who did not have plane-bending powers. The others would stay outside the chest. I didn't know what was going on, but I felt sick staying there and doing nothing. I knew the Elves were there, it was obvious... They were probably going to attack us. Soreoth did not kill us, it was true, but back then he had no reason to, maybe. Now he surely has. And even if for some strange reason Baphomet wants us alive, I'm sure they would all want to get rid of Lullaby, the one who faced Xantinya and stood her ground, the one who could carry the voices of all....   I made up my mind. I glanced at Lullaby, and told Drenizek and the rest to protect her, and I jumped out. Right as I did so, I heard a battle. In front of me, I sensed Damaschini and Verfy, holding the star essence bottle of our Erlagon craftsman, and in front of them, I sensed something dark and strong. Elves. Elves! I did not hesitate. I conjured my magic essence to protect them, and then, guided by Tallion who told me there were 3 Elves right in front of me, I went in to attack. I trusted the sword. I trusted my will to protect them. I could attack, but I knew the attack would be futile. So I tricked the bastards. I had thought about ways to fight the Elves, during these mostly sleepless days in the chest. And I figured that plane manipulations are not an answer: they are better than us there. But what if I could surprise them with something? Something simple, but effective. I knew how magic could be used to inspire a "copying" mechanism on other planes. For example, magical power can be used to copy the looks of someone, and therefore you can morph into people. What if I could use magic to influence something higher on the lasagna, like... the rules of the universe? Yes, the Elves were immortal, but their stupid bodies seemed to work like a "robot" thing they use here in xy. A machine, that is. Or, machines could be destroyed. I had asked Kelly about electricity. I found that it has properties not unlike those of magic. So it was a question of how much I could control the magical essence of the sword during my strike in order to change its attributes and create enough dispersion as to influence the electricity within those Elves to follow suit and, well, in simple words, disperse. It worked, 'cause I heard a loud sound and some electrical noises too, and then the Elf collapsed.   I did the same to the second one, who still did not understand what I had done. For such old creatures, they sure catch on slowly. Or maybe that's why. Anyway, I helped the rest get up. It seems the interdimensionals were back, because I heard that spear-guy's voice shouting something along the lines of "die, you stupid goo!" Seems that inside each robot there was a bright green goo. THAT was the Elf.   Later, thinking about it, I thought about Illien's quote. The oldest souls still on Earth are these guys. And while the world kept transforming, they kept being the same. THAT is how age looks. Hmpf. Fitting. Truly cursed with immortality. I still don't know exactly what the goo is, but it's clear that these Elves had it rough. I almost pity them.   Too bad we all have to suffer our suffering. Our punishments were diverse, but in the end, they all led to the same: rebellion, and war. And now the war comes, and ruins all, the world so perfectly crafted, the balance so carefully laid out. The Almighty, no, the Old Man will soon feel the consequences.   Or that's just a thought. I sometimes wonder. If I have all these new thoughts, does it mean I'm now several people? It shouldn't work like that, I feel like it's only one self. It's... it's still hard to understand. I should, though. For their sake. I need to make sure I won't hurt them...   Getting back to the story, we entered a train, it seems. I didn't know what was going on. God, I'm useless! I don't understand what is going on, I don't know where the enemy is, I don't even know my allies! It seems there was an essence bearer of xy helping us. Nixie even gave it a name, I heard. I didn't know there were essence bearers in other dimensions, I always assumed they are like beings of magic, so, bound to our dimension. This opens up so many questions.... But that aside, this essence bearer was basically sacrificing himself so we could run away! He created the Evo-Centre, the rocket, now the train... He could brin memories of objects gone from this world back to life, as if they were still real! Such power, used to help us... And we didn't even know who this bearer was!   It died for us.... It did so because of the message? Because of Nixie? Of Lullaby? Of the Elves? I can't know. But.. May the Almighty receive it in His Kingdom. I say "it" out of lack of a better word..   I felt the whole world crumbling around me as we ran, ran and ran as fast as we could. By the time we stopped running, we were past the interdimensional gate, in the dimension of Spirit. We made it, just barely.   The Elves did not follow us... It seems that the 3 interdimensionals who had remained alive after the fight with Jevyan had come back, and had saved us together with the Essence Bearer... Now only one, the glaive-wielding guy, was left alive. We were alone, in the rain. We pulled to some shack in the fields, or a vehicle or something, I don't really know, and most of us returned to the chest. Not before the glaive-guy expressed his deep regret that he fought us. I found it strange. In a way, I wanted to understand their thought process, and appreciate the turnaround. In another way, I wanted to laugh. Why does the misery of people and the world make me laugh!? Am I so far gone!? Damnit.   Anyway, all three of them had realized, after the message, that what they did was wrong. THey were blinded by their own power, thinking they knew the better solution to all things. Indeed, I can understand that. When you have such awesome power, you think you can use that power to keep some balance in the world, and the decisions you take wind up to be monstrous. I, for one, forgive them. It matters that they came to tell us they were sorry. And especially to Lullaby.   We decided to go to the royal palace in the capital. We had reached Redochia, Lullaby's country, and were steps away from its capital, Radov. So off we went, it was early morning at the time, and we endured the rain to get to a strange hulk of metal going on rails, I think they call it tram or something, which transported us close to the palace. There, Nixie straight up asked a soldier to let us in and speak to the prime-minister, who is like a chief of staff or second in command after the monarch, I think. And, strangely enough, after we revealed ourselves and whatnot, they accepted. And they even got us inside the palace, in some underground place.   There we would meet their prime-minister, Lemenis Donatavol. A very nice-sounding man, who was genuinely devastated to hear Bajid was dead, but also incredibly glad to see Lullaby alive. He thanked us for taking care of her, and for the news, but it was us who should have thanked him. He was kind and trusting to some very weird strangers like us. Well, to be honest, we're no longer strangers to anybody. Hah. Still, he immediately decided to work with us to help Lullaby. We told him we had to wake her up and we prepared some plan on how to proceed. We wanted to make a memorial for poor Bajid, and a proper burial. Glaive-boy actually carried the ashes of Bajid, who had been burned by the Elves in Legondol before they left it. And at that memorial, we would have the whole country praying for the dead King, and for their Queen. And then we could help Lullaby. Here in the spirit dimension I could do more than in xy. I knew it.   That night, though, we received an unwanted visit. Two soldiers entered, but they spoke with a coarse, empty voice. They were not Redochians, but... bodies of dead Redochians, inhabited by two of those despicable Elves... They faced off against us, warning us not to stand between them and Lullaby. As I thought, they were after her. We did not flinch, but they said we couldn't fight another day if we were to die now, and so we would betray our purpose. Bah. If I can't protect Lullaby, I'm not worthy of protecting the world, idiots! Try your best rethoric! Nixie and the rest didn't flinch either. So they left, but... I think more Elves inhabited the walls, because they attacked us from there, while we were distracted, and glaive-boy fought them on his own, and died.... So died the last of Sikorki's crew who had stayed with Lullaby. Except Ghighi, of course, poor creature.   We were shaken. Tallion especially. He had actually been glad to have re-found his old master. Tallion really has a good soul, he didn't hold a grudge at all. I was surprised at this maturity. But, then again, that's why he managed to get us here, right? Even Damaschini, his old captain who had abandoned him. There's a hidden strength in all of us, and this war has revealed it. Still, Tallion really seemed devastated. I tried to find words to console him, but I had none. I felt strangely aloof of the whole situation. Damn visions....   The next day, we had to go in front of their Assembly of legislators and speak about... everything. Mostly about Bajid's death and the message and our purpose there. Nixie held the speech, and it was "broadcast" in all the country. Like in xy, they have means to instantly show reality on screens everywhere. And they used it. Donatavol helped us by speaking first and introducing us. I sensed a great loyalty of these people for their dead king, who wasn't even Redochian, as Donatavol pointed out, but who had fought for them nonetheless. Bajid also fought for us, and died for us. Asking nothing in return. Same for Lullaby, who is thankfully still alive. I can't get over how much that means, how much she sacrificed for us. I ... I'm sad.   These have been sad days, or, rather, melancholic. But we prevailed. The next day, we had the funeral. After Nixie's speech to the assembly, I felt weird. We were now finally acting out in the open, openly declaring this war, openly seeking aid. It was as it was supposed to be, but it felt weird. We're not used to this stance, hah. But the Redochians seem receptive. Unlike in xy, I can feel God is far from dead for these people. That's an important difference.   The funeral itself was beautiful. Bajid was to receive a burial place right next to Lullaby's parents. It seems Lullaby had been visiting their graves oftentimes, in secret, to recollect and clear her mind. It made me think of my own mother's grave. I kind of neglected going there. Father always insisted, and was very angry whenever I tried to postpone or delay or plainly avoid going.... Back then, I just didn't like the time it took to get there, to stay there, to get back... I always liked cleaning the grave, because it made me smile to see my mother's name clear in stone again, to see nice flowers on her toombstone. Signs that she was still loved, still cared for, still not forgotten. And I would spend that time talking with my father about her, about us, about them, they were always candid, warm and funny stories.   Now, that Father is likely gone, I wonder... Will I even be able to make them such graves? I couldn't care less that their bodies would not be inside. I want to built something for them, to make them know I remember them... Just like Bajid got.   And he is remembered, oh yes. The whole country showed up on this barren field behind the cemetery. I swear. Thousands. And many more were watching on their screens. I heard the speeches from various officials, and they were all short, but heartfelt. These people loved their king. And then of course Nixie, and then Tallion, spoke, telling the story of how Bajid fought and died in our dimension, telling why they saw Bajid as their friend. And it made my heart melt...   Then, the moment of prayer. It was this intense moment... All voices simmered down, and we could only hear their head priest, and... I closed my mind to the outside world, and focused on my feelings for Lullaby. There it was, that link, I felt it. This dimension has a strange way about it, it's not really that the plane of the spirit can be manipulated easily, it's not a manipulation... it's... it's this link. THis link which cannot be explained, because it cannot be seen, felt, heard from or even magically understood. It's... Spirit touching spirit.   By the time the prayer was ending, I felt something coming from Lullaby, whom I was holding by one hand. She almost collapsed, but I held her. Xixi helped me put her in a chair, because I felt her hand grasping mine, for the first time, and I felt goosebumps all over. I never, never felt her do anything like that. It was the grasp of a conscious Lullaby, acknowledging my existence, and her existence next to me.   Lullaby was awake!   I cried. I couldn't hide it. I just started crying. Only she didn't crack. She stood up, and continued the funeral. She even mustered the strength to take the shovel and throw the first pile of dirt on Bajid's coffin. She remained stoic throughout, but behind her black veil I heard and most importantly felt tears rolling on her cheeks. For her, Bajid's death was something that happened hours ago. She felt it with all its intensity, but managed to keep it together.   Our love, the love of this entire country, helped her keep it together.   She still collapsed afterwards, and we all rushed to see if she was alright. Of course, she wasn't, really, but she managed to speak. She said "thank you" and I wanted to start bawling all over the place. You idiot, we thank you, without you we would have no xy, no message, we would all be dead in a ditch in fucking Faen! I would still be Nutcase-useless-Eve! Yes, I am even worse off now, but I also drew the lightsword that destroyed two of those nasty Elves, so I'm fine with it! As long as I can help... if but a little..... But that's beside the point.   I wanted to write more about this, but I really don't know if we need to say anything else. It's done. She's awake. Her mind is recovering, her body needs recovering too, and there's little time for that, because she will soon have to give birth to Rafil. The moment is closing in. Somehow, still, after 3 months of total inactivity, her mind just... switched on. She's very confused, and she's extremely devasted, but she soon became obsessed with helping us, because she "wasted time" and incumbered us with her state. I ought to stop such delusions, I thought...   So I pondered last evening, after the funeral. What to do, what to say. Lullaby wanted to help. You see, she had told her people to prepare an army suitable for our dimenison, an army of people with swords and spears and armor, not with guns and tanks, so that we could prevent our dimension from prematurely getting infected with technology from other dimensions. And that army was ready at this point... And let the armor aside... THere were MEN and WOMEN, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS, who might come with us to fight for us...! If that happens, it means our message has breached all expectations.   Lullaby didn't need a message to think so and to want to do so, though. That's the thing. I kept thinking about these things while trying to get some sleep. But I couldn't. Bart was sound asleep, still hugging me tight. I always make him be the big spoon, but that's just because he's taller! I got out of bed. I realised, in my warmth and happiness, that there is someone here completely alone.... It struck me. Lullaby had never been alone until now. She had me, and then Verfy after the Black Hole. But now she was completely alone.   I went to visit her. I knew which room was hers and knocked gently. As expected, she was still awake. She was watching news apparently, trying to get up to date with everything that had happened. She came and straight up hugged me. I felt that all the time we spent together had permeated her mind, everything was tehre, nothing was lost. Hah, I feared she would feel me a stranger after waking up, but no. She was ever as close to me as I was to her... All the memories of her 3 months of isolation had returned to her when she woke up, nothing had been lost, only... kept aside.   I told her to stop working, stop worrying about how to help us, but she didn't want to hear about it. I didn't know what to tell her. I wanted to tell her it was alright to cry, to feel down, to just not think of other people for a while... But she didn't want to hear about it. She's still very weak, and can't coordinate all that well, and has some trouble putting two and two together, but she's quickly getting better. I am sure she will be completely recovered from her catatonia soon. But even then, she's... you know. Both pregnant and mentally shattered from this entire experience.   Still, Lullaby seemed uplifted by one thing: Rafil was safe and sound. They made a checkup just after the funeral, just to make sure - we did our own checkup in xy. She's trying her best to keep composure, to focus on helping us, to not think about anything else. She has to accept what happened, somehow, but how? She did tell me that she knows she'll have to get used to Bajid not being there, but that it's not a thought she can long endure. Rafil gives her purpose, and we inspire her to be strong. That's what she said, at least.   Well, I don't know. I don't feel strong myself, but... Well... Lullaby does her best to continue her help, but I fear it's at the cost of her own sanity. We'll see what we can do. But I don't want to abandon her....   May the Almighty protect us all. And may Bajid rest in peace.

"More of the same / Blinded and lame / Spinning around / Darkness abound / More of the same / Weakened and tame / Making no sound / We are abound"   Dear journal,   Courtesy of our dear Anevys, whom I thank right now as I dictate these words, I can write in you again. I normally would not consider having anyone else peer into my ramblings, but Anevys truly is an impartial soul.   Why can't I write myself you ask? Why, of course, because I have no eyes. Feels strange to say it, even stranger than to write it myself. I have no eyes. Fitting, for someone like me, never seeing anything beyond her own person and problems. Alas, I'm not even sure I could bear to have eyes anymore. I think that's why I lost them in the first place...   I have to go back a while to make some sense of all this. But before, I have to make a small confession. I don't know whether I'll finish writing this the same way I started it. I don't know what words I'll pour here on this paper via our lovely Anevys. I feel comfortable enough speaking of them, but maybe soon I won't. There is something I can't fully explain yet. But it's not something I want to speak of or write, it's too ugly. Even if no one but Anevys would ever find out... So, here goes.   After the Zidith, we had to rely on some luck to have the Evo Drives still working as the news of the war was invariably spreading. Fortunately, we were faster than those news, so at the time we were safe. Since now our plans of calling for Ghighi, the interdimensionals or other shenanigans were rendered impossible by our dear Soreoth, we needed to find OUR way of sending the message.   What do you know, after all this, we still needed to do something ourselves. In my Axe-Eve stance, I did warn them. We can't rely on bullshit. Even if we use the planes, we need to put ourselves out there, or it will do nothing. Look at the evil of this world! Sometimes I don't get them, any of them! They still think, deep inside, in the caverns of the mind, where there is only the glimmer of their innermost instincts and customs, that we are on our Sapphire Sword, treading the waters of the Syomalos, or of that Western Sea, or the Bronze Coast. And the tasks ahead are the likes of slaying Abominations or bringing Drenizek to Enneth. They don't want to understand, I think, that evil is too great already, too strong, too... much. This dimension is even worse than ours in that respect anyway! There is no Almighty left in the hearts of living beings, or even in the writings on their "computers", or even in the stone and metal and "concrete" of their buildings! You think that against such disbalance we can do anything?! Anything, that is, within our reasonable power, within reasonable strife?!?!   Any disbalance needs a balancing counter-force to bring things back to order, that is what the Singularists say. Right now the disbalance is huge, pushed with the force of thousands of years of history. And our balancing counter-force is... friendship power? Woosh-woosh planes of reality? I don't get it. What do they expect? Why did I, in my idiocy, blame the Almighty for this, anyway, when it's only the blame of myself, us, the world of fools who either left ourselves be consumed by evil or allowed it to grow! Why do we have to fight Xantinya, if not because we all couldn't stop her before? Why is there necromancy, if not because we invented it? Why is the Desolation still desolate, if not because we failed our stupid Ael Velle?! And so on, so forth. Hm, Humans, Elves, Elementals, Strygians, all races they are all just like flies trapped inside a cup-plant, whose walls are sticky. They move around and get more stuck, and their little precious limbs are broken, and they blame the plant for all its strength, but the plant does nothing, and has no strength of its own. It only waits for the flies to kill themselves, while it slowly, painfully, minutely digests their insides... Such is the indomitable will of the Master.   We created this. It is a prison of our own design. And if we must suffer, it is because we wanted this. We don't like suffering? Why, too bad. It is the gift inside the beautiful packaging called "sin". And oh boy did we all sin. Is it punishment? Nah, it's just the way things are. If the Almighty is love, and bliss, if you commit evil, if you feed yourself only, and shun the rest, if you shun Him... then you shun that love and bliss, and veer away from it. So why are we surprised to find only suffering and pain instead!?!? I know suffering, I know pain, I know them more than ever now. Not because I felt suffering and pain, though I did... It's... we'll get there.   I had to find a way to deliver our message of hope and fight to the world. The world needed it so much. Today, almost no one knows. But no one should be able to claim ignorance as an excuse in this war. No one should feel alone, if they already suffer. No one should feel like fighting is useless. No one should think the Evil to their face is Good, or doesn't matter. Because most will sleep through their own destruction without this message. That is the way of the demons. The few will fight, and die. And most won't even notice.   But how to "send" a "message"? We tried our best to understand how that would work, but we had too little information. So I realized I needed to do something to help Lullaby help us. Poor her, she can't do anything, she doesn't even know what is going on, but I know she could help... How would she feel when she wakes up, if she were to find out she couldn't help in any way?! I needed to find a way to reach her, to have her help us, in any way possible. But, also, I had to keep her and Rafil safe. As Nixie emphasized, any "intrusion" could be very dangerous for them... My plan, as I concocted it, was to slip in my dream into her mind and try to awaken some memories that would help us. But what if I triggered the wrong memories? We struggled quite a bit with that. How to reach her in the first place, also? Well, I could use Damaschini's spirit plane bending powers to follow his sentiment and somehow get inside Lullaby's mind. I knew I could breach her spiritual wall, or in any case go around it, because I have already dreamt her dreams. I just had to use the same love that fueled me the first time. And with Damaschini's guidance, it could help. And with Damaschini guiding me using a happy memory of both him and Lullaby, it could surely work. Then, of course, how to trigger the right memories in Lullaby's head, so that I could dream those memories, not others? Well, by posing questions, questions that would become her questions, making her brain answer them. Complicated, eh? It sounds weird on paper, and it IS weird. How do you ASK questions spirit-to-spirit? How does that work, without a voice, or... you get it.   That's the thing, you don't need a voice. You don't need any physical aspect of this world to communicate. That's what the Almighty is trying to tell us... once you realize it, you can... do it. I can't explain because there's little explaining to do anyway. You can just feel these thoughts, and they can be transmitted. That night I did it. I was able to dream her dreams, her memories, and brought some great insights into how the planes work. And with these insights, I was able to realize what next steps we needed to take in order to send the message...   I don't want to tire Anevys with plane-mechanics, but I found it fascinating. It's really not that complicated in its theory. You see, dear journal, we have an understanding of what "reality" means. We look with our eyes, and hear, and feel and so on so forth. This is our world. We can't understand another way, because we can't... perceive another way. But what if we could!? Like really, really could. Once you understand this world as 9 separate planes, superimposed, once you understand that what you see is just a way of perceiving, not "reality" itself, once you understand that "reality" is a fluid concept you can adapt, possibilities change a lot... I remember the words of the great First Father Bailin. He said "the Almighty gave us his liking. If there is a trouble on this Earth, we can solve it. Just believe in it. Gather your belief, and if you have as much as a pebble of it within you, you can make this entire mountain move". He was right. It sounds ludicrous, maybe, and maybe a lot of smart people will tell you that's impossible, even with magic, but alas the Ionolians, we knew, and we called it Light. But now I see that Light can be so much more than I've imagined. Like light itself... it's a spectrum of 9. Once I understand that, I can start thinking in the right mindset...   I had no time to even stop and think what was going on. It was all a whirlwind of calculations, possibilities... Trying to find out a way to get the message across. In the end, we couldn't find one. None of us could bend the planes of reality to that extent... Even if the Black Hole contained, indeed, a memory of the Primeval World, and was a link to all the 9 that derived from it... How could we use that channel if we had no pen to write our message, and no messenger?!   That's when I realized... The Sword, Lullaby's sword, it contained a shard of everyone's souls... That was our paper, now we just needed to write our message on it, and have someone send it somehow... Well, that wasn't very hard to figure out, wasn't it? Lullaby was the only one who could wield the sword, but she is not conscious, she can't conceive a manipulation, not by herself. But I can. I can't manipulate, but I can see. And I can give Lullaby that thought. The thought of the message, of the Black Hole, of the manipulation that needs to happen. And she will do it. She will conceive it. And then the message can be sent.   In the end, I came up with this: I had to to do the same thing with the dream, in which I gave Lullaby the thoughts composing the message. She would then conceive this message on the plane of spirit, in her sword, which is linked to all the souls in the universe. But then, in order to get the message to all these souls, you needed to spread it across the entire plane of spirit, in all 9 dimensions. We needed the Black Hole, because the sword just represented souls, and could not communicate directly with all of them. No problem. We just had to conceive the message being sent from the sword to the Black hole, like a massive ray of light... at least that's how I saw it, and that's how I transmitted it to Lullaby. Then, with the message "encoded" as people in xy might say... I could direct the sword to the Black Hole, and the manipulation would occur automatically via me. It all depended on the strong link between me and Lullaby.   It also meant I had to gaze upon the Black hole, which meant instant death. I knew I had to somehow surive for a second or so, so I focused on that.   They all hated my plan and wanted to do literally anything else. At the time, I just didn't know any other way, but was open to suggestions, obviously. Only later did I realize what I had planned for myself. I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't going to die a stupid, coward death, killing myself or consumed by my own monstrosity. This was a death I gave for the world. It served me right for not believing in it, I guess, but I didn't care. If the others would get a chance to fight and stop the Apocalypse, I'd gladly give a thousand lives. Is there anything more beautiful you can do with your life, then give others a chance for their own lives?   Was I ready to die? I was - and still am - a Nutcase mad egotistical depressive maniacal idiot. So, no. But it mattered not. That was the way, the only way. Were there other ways? Not that anyone could think of, so.... My guts told me there was no other way, to be fair. I looked at Lullaby. Our connection was not for naught. All that foolish eenie-meenie-miney-moe wasn't for naught. In a strange way, it wasn't. Sure, I didn't do it for this moment. That's the magic. You do Good for itself, but somehow it also helps you. Because Good uplifts the world, and will always be a source for even more Good.   And in this weird, unexpected twist, I glimpsed at a more beautiful world, a fairer world than the one I saw in my bleak days after Legondol. It was not a world of doom, nor was it a world of bliss. It was not a world where all is clear, nor was it a world where all is hidden, and all leads to the same. No. It was more like a staircase, and the light in your hand is dim, but you can light it up more, you can probe every step, or run, or crawl, maybe, but just keep climbing. Trust the climb. As you grow ever closer, you will start to see why. The end may be out of reach, but that's why there's a door at the end of the staircase. That door is death. Had there been no door, the light beyond it would have mellowed you out, and you would not have the power to climb all those steps.   The following days were... weird for me. I tried my best to prepare, somehow, but... I wasn't the problem here. It did not matter what would become of me, I had to be ready to connect with Lullaby. I tried, more than ever, to strengthen our bond. I invented new games to test our coordination. She instinctively does what I do, whenever I can get her to do a repetitive action. It's a miracle, I will not lie. One that I keep marveling at. Sometimes I feel her like she's a baby, and I get all protective and mommy-like. But she's not. I know. I don't treat her like one. I know her strength, and I should show it.   But the others were not in a very happy mindset... They were all sad. As we drew closer and closer to the Black Hole, they all felt the inevitable realisation I was going to you know, die. Some, like Nixie, denied it. They still thought they would do something else. But what? None of them had another idea... I felt bad. I realized how my death could impact them. Maybe they could lose hope, or feel what I felt about the world. It would be unfair to do such a thing to my dear friends...   And they had suffered already through the loss of many loved ones. Not just our crew, but before as well. These days we heard the story of Nixie's fiance, yes, she had one, a long time ago, killed in a war in the Continent. Nixie kind of blames herself, because their secret love had been uncovered by her brother which led her brother and her fiance from not helping each other which somehow indirectly led to the latter's death... Nixie also blames herself for the existence of the evil elves from xy... she should really stop blaming herself for things she's not at all at fault with. And anyway, as a captain she's allowed to blame herself less, because she needs to lead.   Still, Nixie is the most realistic person around. So I couldn't lie to her. I knew I was going to kick the bucket, haha. Realistically saying. I mean, sure, I could expect a miracle, but why would a miracle exist for me? What did I do for any of that, you know. Aside from spitting venom on everyone these last weeks, mumbling or screaming or just thinking foul things. So I told Nixie the only thing that was left to say: do not lose hope just because of my death. I was afraid our captain would give up on hoping for this world if she would see me die. She thinks these deaths should not happen in a fair world. To be honest, in a fair world we'd all be long dead for how miserable we are. Or at least some of us (me me me).   I had to have these talks with everyone. I told Verfy I won't die. I felt bad, but... what point does it make to say I'm going to die? Verfy will hope I won't, anyway. I'll trust in her hope. I leave none for myself. All my hopes are directed at the one thing that truly matters: that the message is delivered, and Lullaby and Rafil will be safe.   When I had to talk to Bart, though... it was much more complicated. You know, all those days I kept thinking about what I was going to lose, and I don't know all my frustration with Bart kind of evaporated. I knew how much I was going to lose, nothing else mattered. I wanted to see if he was alright, I realized how much suffering I was causing him. I was astonished, once again, by his immense strength. He told me with a gentle smile and an easy heart that he trusted me, and that only I could do it. He was there, ready to support me. He didn't want me gone, I felt how much he wanted me to be safe, but he couldn't stop me. He knew it's what I wanted, it's what I needed to do, and he wanted to support my choice. He showed no weakness, no doubt. I knew he was riddled with doubts, torn apart by the thought of trying to make me stop, by his own normal, GOOD desire to have me alive, to love me, to give me happiness. But that desire conflicted my desire, and our desire, to stop the Apocalypse, to send the message. So he made his choice.   I... I love him. He is exactly what I need. Had he been something else, we probably would've destroyed each other. But my Bart, he can find the best in me, and bring it out to surface... That day when we talked about the Hole, he did something else, though. He surprised me so much, I'm still surprised today, weeks after. He pulled a ring out of... nowhere... a ring he crafted with Damaschini... and he asked my hand in marriage. I knew I was going to the executioner's bench, I knew that marriage was not an option I had... I could just tell him "I'm going to die, why?" or "don't do this, don't hurt yourself anymore", but..... something in me screamed of Life and I just couldn't feel that inevitability. I was so overjoyed, even if I died, I'd die... I'd die with my dream come true. Remember my dream, dear journal? And my fears, which I expressed long ago on the ship, as we sailed into the Desolation, at one of those together trainings? Hehe.   Maybe I was selfish. But I don't think so, it was more. It was Good, in and of itself, and I wanted to just enjoy that, nothing more. No outside thoughts, no after-effects. I said yes, with all my heart, I had no shard of doubt or sadness or anything left, I was transformed. No Axe-Eve could stop it. I think I literally jumped on him and I didn't let go. It's strange, a couple of days before I felt I couldn't talk to him anymore, and that night we were as one, it was... I realised how wrong I was in my ways. Bart was always there. For some reason, we had built a wall, but now the wall was broken and we were back in each other's arms, closer than ever.   Still, my bliss couldn't last long. We would soon reach the Black Hole. I'll spare you the details of how we got there, because they don't really matter as much. I'm sick and tired of descriptions, to be honest, when I burst with so many feelings and thoughts. We had to take a pirate ship of sorts, so we were on board of that, travelling through the black emptiness of the Plane of Death... till we reached a place some 500 lightyears away from the thing.   I had to prepare. The night before I just clang on tight to Bart, no words spoken, nothing. I just wanted to lay my head on his chest, hear his heartbeat, and sleep like that, forget the rest, just feel him there, alive, near me. One last time, before the thing.   I had to prepare. First, the dream. I had to enter Lullaby's thoughts and make her dream the message. I drifted away, taken by the manipulations of the spirit performed by Damaschini, and then... I just started thinking. Just started reeling in all those incredible sights we've seen, re-living all those crazy moments, of hope, of despair, of love, of wonder, of hate of... I tried to order them, to give some coherence. I wanted to transmit to all the world that there were some beautiful things out there, in all of us, really, and that THEY have come to take it from us, to drive us away from them. And that a couple of idiots were still fighting against that, still protecting the good that still lives in this world, within us. And that, no matter what, we could still all FIGHT.   The ship had stopped. I was told to get ready. I had already performed the first act. Dreaming the message, as Lullaby. Now, the second. I went in to equip myself, and Lullaby. I made sure she was well protected, a suit protected by two anti-matter shields on each side. I blackened Lullaby's visor so she wouldn't see anything. I linked us with an extendable cordon, and so we marched into the main corridor, I in front, Lullaby behind. I held her right hand, and she was holding the sword in it. We passed by the others, who looked on. I glanced, for a second, at each and every one of them. To tell them, one last time, goodbye. I tried, I tried, I really tried to hold in my tears. My feet were starting to tremble. So many thoughts, so many emotions... Could I do it? Will Lullaby survive? What will happen? How does it feel to die? How horrible will the Black Hole be? What awaits me? Will I see... beyond? Was Hell going to await me? Was I doomed? I trembled so much now, I could barely move, but I tried not to show it. I had to press on. I had to keep composure.   The doors to the command room opened. The room was empty, and the big windows in front were shut by screens. Beyond, the Horizon and the Black Hole. Death and decay. Hate and despair. Behind me, Hope, what was left of it. The moment we've been waiting for. The turning of the tide. The one thing Xantinya could not anticipate: that we could use Death for Life, Evil for Good. That we could use our demon-ridden spirit to get the power to stare all this bullshit in the eye. Come, come with all you have, Hell!!   The screens were risen, and purple light invaded the room. In one split second. I can see it so clearly in my head. It's the image that will never die in my mind. A light so piercing, so horrendous, you would want to gouge your eyes out to stop seeing it. And then, right in the middle... an aura, a small circle, even brighter than the rest... twisting, reforming, pulsating... Telling you... feeling you... I glanced, and then all the world shattered around me, and I could feel my body almost ripped apart from itself, and could see the purple light dimming a little. Around me, at least... I looked back. Lullaby was there. SHe did something, I felt it. Somehow, she did something. She was keeping this destructive force at bay. I smiled, I think. I wanted to say "thank you", but could only think it.   I turned back at the hole. I could see it. The Evil. All of it. Mine, ours, everyone's. All of it in one place, as if looking at one giant mirror. I wanted to turn around kill Lullaby and then the rest, destroy everything. I felt it, the need to purge all and everything. Like I feel now. It's an immesurable power. The power of......... JUSTICE.   Justice for our sins. For our ways. For this feeble world that deserves no existence. Alas, it exists, but then all imperfections can be erased. Justice for those who were condemned long before they were even mortal, whereas the mortals who sin twelvefold receive chance after chance to rise and rise again. Justice for those who only wanted to become what they were destined to be, when the puny nothingness, the trash and litter of the world of spirits, these dying souls, come and claim eternal bliss from their Father! Justice for a world where the final form we were created for cannot be attained! Well, now it could! It could!   See, journal, I am not what you think I am. Nor do they know. See the poem? I heard it. I heard the poem, together with a million others, a billion thoughts, a trillion feelings, all at once. I heard the songs of hell, the verses of demons, I heard brothers and sisters chant all, now and continously, banging their drums:   "Turn, turn around, face the dusk, face the end, for it has come, ALL HAIL THE MASTER!"   I heard it all when I jumped out in front. I couldn't stay there, I could not send the message while Lullaby kept the planes from being manipulated. The irony... Lullaby was protecting me, but by doing so she was stopping me... I jumped forward and pointed the sword at that ugly thing.... the thing... the EYE! It was an eye, turned to the side, lighting up in purple-white flares, seeing me, filling me with power and desire. With one move, I could take it, rip the ship apart and become... yes... I saw it.   I am many voices. Many minds. I am them. They are mine. I don't know where I stop, but I could have lost myself entirely. I could shed the skin of mortality, be one with the plane of death... morph, and join THEM. I could be unstoppable. Echoes of eons shattered my brain, as these old souls bombarded me with their mistakes. The countless dead. I could rise above. I could...   But I didn't. I clenched my teeth, and I imagined... The sword.... a piercing ray of light.... gouging that stupid eye from the face of my existence. And then....... I saw............. All.   The world.   Souls.   Demons.   Angels.   I can't tell anymore. I wanted it to stop. I cried for it to stop. I was already there for thousands of years, still registering all the pain and destruction and...   When I could think again, I could not see again. Only re-live the terrible purple light, and the eye, and.... hear the voice of my beautiful Bart. Somewhere, I didn't know where, for I could not see. But I saw, somehow, through all that darkness. Bart was there. Bart is here. More beautiful than ever, I felt his voice. I was alive. I was alive! And Lullaby and Rafil were safe and sound....   I was blind, yes, and my right hand had to be replaced with an iron replica, which still works like my hand, so.... but.... I was somehow alive....   I know now why, exactly. But I thank you, Ftheis, for this. I thank you for the bottom of my heart, because I know, as You sure know, that I wasn't ready, and that they weren't ready. You truly are the most Merciful. I won't let it go to waste.   I may be blind, but I'm not stupid. I feel new. In many ways. Cursed, in many ways. Blessed too, in a way. I am Eve of many minds, but of only one voice. I am Eve the demon-ridden, but I will also cast demons away. I felt desperation in me the first day of my waking up, but now I'm better.   I did speak to the others about it. Even attacked Tallion, using some primal force hiding within me. They must think I'm possessed... I couldn't really tell them. It's more complicated than that. I have to carry this, somehow. I will. I must turn it to something good. Like before.   What matters most is that we prevailed. One small group, lead by one Elf lost from her home, a group of pirates and bookworms, of bards and fighters, of men and Elves and Elementals and Strygians and Erlagons, one small group of friends that braved through death to send some hope to this world. Now, we can fight. Now we can truly fight. I am itching just at the thought of it. Finally, we can rally this world against the demons. Against Xantinya.   And against you, Master. There's revolt everywhere. Against you. You will see. I will tell you so myself.       With the Sword of the Almighty pointing us forwards, let us march and let us fight.

"Legacy can be embraced. It can be negated, it can be torn to pieces, or enhanced. It can even be forgotten, but never by the ones that turn out to carry it" - Lores I, king of Golas, in his Memoirs.   Dear journal,   Here I am wasting my last remaining energy on this useless piece of paper. Useless because I will never read this again, or if I will, I would just do it to torture myself or something. Even I can't be so stupid as to expect to be interested in such delusional, vapid, gross rantings. Ah but I'll power through it again, because it's one of the few things still linking me to an old self I feel I'm invariably losing. Why else would I continue this God forsaken habit of writing down stupid mentions of my quickly declining mental state, sometimes intertwined with short, confusing explanations of our party's doings and misdoings? You may even argue, scourge of a journal, that maybe the answer would be to be factual. "Just write what is happening". Oh, all right. Sure. I'd do that, if I were a person, instead of a walking, sometimes talking axe. Whenever I write about something that happened, I hack that to pieces and fill the holes with the literary equivalent of Mela. I know, I know... What does dung-and-straw made filling for walls used by Vormiolese peasants have to do with how I write my journals? Well, most about everything, from the smell to the ultimate futility. They say dung gets hardened, but it's still brittle, so you can break it with ease. Just like the flimsy narrative I'm building.   Well, in a last-straw attempt to muster up an actual chain of events, I'm going to stop here with the rant and try to make an honest recounting. I shall begin where we left off, a day after the party. Since head-banging takes some energy away from me, I had to lie down and generally rest that day. They did call me at some point to come with them to the Dominor, with whom Nixie had requested an audience. We had to continue our journey, and I knew that some important plans had to be drawn up.   We met with the Dominor in the same domed room we did the last time out, and it was a rather short and effective talk. The Dominor wanted the Zidith "incapacitated" for at least 6 months, which was a timeframe just relevant enough to make a difference in the war. The Orshag was already engaged in forging new war machinery based on our information, and was planning large-scale invasions of Commonwealth star sectors, aiming at ultimately conquering Prime Zeith itself. I felt many things throughout the meeting, but mostly disgust at participating in what clearly was the beginning of one of the biggest wars this dimension - and since this is xy, all dimensions - has/have ever seen - and which had NOTHING to do with the Apocalypse, Great Change, New Order or however you want to call it. Balan, your choice. No? You don't have a preference? I'm sure Master likes a good name. Xantinya went with the whole Order thing, since she also likes justice so much, but the Master strikes me as the kind of being to prefer a more Destruction-Domination themed name, like the Collapse, or another impactful title such as this.   Imagine having to rally demons behind a thing called "order". I don't think demons are fans of order. Necromancers are, though, so that makes sense. Or maybe I am being ridiculous, of course demons would like order if it's going to be theirs. And as disorderly as individual demons may be, I bet the Master is also a Slave-Master. I mean, "Master" says it all, right? And that means he' a fan of order, too.   Regardless, I didn't like the fact that we were part of this war, but... at this point, I gave up questioning whether we were on a good path. It got easier, I'll explain how, but in short I now feel much more aligned with what we should be doing. And it's all thanks to something very bad, funnily enough. But I'm getting ahead of myself.   So we established with the Dominor that we needed to prepare some sort of plan to take down the Zidith. We would have Orshag men with us, and Orshag apparel. More interestingly, Nixie asked the Dominor about the spy-girl who had taken us prisoner after the meet with Miyun, and we found out that she had been fed recycled serum from a couple hundred dead, which literally shattered her mind and as such rid her of any individual personality. Well, that just about made me feel this entire place is not worth saving, like Nixie seems to be thinking. I'm not an Elvish lord like her, I don't really have the authority to judge all things and ponder on their worth, so I decided not to continue this thought process.   Look at me, hitting at Nixie like that. I hoped I was past that! I feel the need to detonate such bombs every now and then, I guess...   Going back, the "toilet girl" as Verfy and Nixie seem to be calling this Elyana Cassati - the spy - was going to be investigated by a "specialist", a Coder from the Coder Mutation faction, who was working for the Orshag. He would arrive in Tekkera Sul in about a week to analyse her body and turn her to recycled serum or something. Nixie scheduled another meeting for tomorrow and decided that we should withdraw to deliberate. You see, we had to decide whether we wanted to hear more from this Coder, because we had some questions on the ways the plane of death functions here in xy. So we went back into the chest and I had to join in one of these things I can only start calling "big dumb meetings", where we all gather round and talk about plans that are invariably:   1. Designed only by Kelly and Damaschini as the rest nod in some sort of approval or disapproval   or   2. Made up while in the thick of action rather than at the big dumb meeting itself   or   3. Disputed over till they're dropped and never heard of again   or   4. Useless/inconsequential   The subject of that day's big dumb meeting was "how do we get to the Zidith?" And the answer, in very broad terms, was "planes of reality". I silently imagined hitting my head against the wall just from hearing that. The very moment I hear "planes", "of" and "reality" I feel this urge to hit myself, the person uttering the words and/or a hard surface. What, what happened to healing, training, strength at arms, wits, clever planning? What happened to the idea of pursuing victory by pursuing good? Now the only thing we ever consider is "But can we BeNd our way out of this?". I'm perpetually frustrated at these discussions, not because of the planes themselves, but because they are already put forward and used as simple bullshit commodities to facilitate our bullshit plans. Remember when using the knowledge of the plains was a very big thing, and a silent, secret war greater than all other wars seen ever was fought over that? Which ended in Sikorki eliminating himself together with the entire other side so that no one would ever abuse bending again? Yea, well...   We already gave this knowledge up to the greatest war machinery in all 9 dimensions, aside from the Commonwealth and ITA, maybe, which will probably also hear from it, now that the info floats about in the brains of so many liquefiable individuals. Well, that in a Nut-shell was my Nut-position, or my Axe-position, in any case my disposition was terrible, but as I had written before in here I wished to stay in the background. I hate getting Axe-Eve out, even if sometimes Axe-Eve, Nutcase-Eve and all the other Eves seem to agree with each other. As I said, I think Axe-Eve might just be a big fat lie, and it's just that Nutcase-Eve became even nuttier than usual.   Returning to our big dumb meeting, we first had to solve the question "Should we wait for the Coder?" Imagine this, we actually went through his credentials, to see if he was qualified to speak about such complex matters as we were prepared to have him explain to us. But before we could answer that question we needed to know what we wanted him to tell us, right?   Well, I think part of that had been discussed before we went to the Dominor, by this point I think that entire day was a big dumb meeting. Anywhoo, we had established that in order to reach the Zidith we had to somehow bypass the Commonwealth, so Bart jostled with this idea of using Cassati's many memory shards just for that. If we could separate memories one from another, and have a separate memory link to Prime Zeith, we could maybe perhaps create a channel - not unlike that of the Evo Drive - to travel directly to the Zidith? It sounded very convoluted and improbable, but it did present itself as a very neat solution to our many problems. Luckily, we had the Orshag to transport us to Prime Zeith itself. Still, getting into the Zidith area may be a lot harder, so...   Kelly sounded very invested in the Plane of reality thing. I bet. She admitted herself that she started talking and thinking according to how these planes work because they are so necessary, and Nixie would also later stress that we needed Damaschini ready to jump into action at all times because he can bend matter. We are relying more and more on powers whose use could cost us, in many unimaginable ways. I like to think that the idiot Glaive-wielding self-righteous asshole who trained Tallion (huh what do you know they were quite similar at that time maybe that's why Tallion chose him) would have made us not abuse these bendings.   Well, in all honesty so far I don't feel we abused them (other than SHARING INFO WITH THE ORSHAG) but I still don't feel comfortable with going further and further into this mentality of "how can we bullshit-bend our way out of things?" What if the bending does not work, or leaves an unwanted consequence? Are we ready for that? Maybe I'm just annoyed at becoming obsolete. I was always useless to begin with. My magic is weak, my body is weaker. I have no arcanic powers like Tallion, or elementalist strength like Nixie, or white fire like Nixie, or wind woosh-woosh like Nixie (generally cool magics like Nixie), or skill at arms and strength like Verfy or Xixi or Kelly and the rest, or stealth like Dillen, or crating skills like Damaschini, or ... anything, really. I can heal, sure, but Tallion can do that better. I can cast arcanic spears, but Tallion can cast arcanic LIGHTNING! I can... swoosh with a sword...? Perhaps? But I'll never really hit anything. So, yea, having plane-bending as yet another thing on the list of things I can't do or can't really do any better than most people in the party... is annoying.   Getting back to the discussion, people agreed that we needed to rely on the Orshag to get us near the Zidith. Then we would use some other stuff. You see, Kelly and Damaschini started talking about how to get the chest past the many types of shields the Zidith may have. The antimatter shield, the motion-sensing shield etc. and of course visual detectors, i.e. thingies that see stuff and report to big guns that shoot the stuff down. So they came up with a way to account for all these shields: use some kind of sandwhich of chests. Our chests would be the first layer, then a layer of antimatter cloaking device, then a layer of neat metal surface, bolstered by Damaschini to perfectly reflect light and therefore be invisible, which would disintegrate if exposed to the outside world, then another layer of antimatter. And maybe repeat the layers some more, for safety. The result was... a bit weird, but sounded feasible enough, given that the Orshag had the technology and Kelly had the brains.   So, this was a no. 1 kind of meeting. Kelly and Damaschini worked out the kinks. Great. But wait, what about the Coder, you may ask? Oh, somewhere in between, I have no idea when, it took a while, though, we decided to go directly to the Zidith, without waiting on the Coder. You see, most of us wanted to waste 0 days in xy and get as soon as possible back to our dimension to stop Xantinya. As Kelly put it, though, we wouldn't make it in time for the invasion of the Continent. As Nixie and Verfy put it, it mattered when we would deliver that message to the entire universe. Makes sense, I thought, but I was also a little annoyed that there were a few who commented that the Continent had to be saved, that what about the Continent that blah blah as Nixie and Verfy, who you know COME from the Continent were clearly willing to look past it and at the bigger picture. I found it rude and unappreciative. Oh well.   So we were set to leave as soon as the Orshags and Kelly finished preparing the chest. We explained our plan to the Dominor the next day. The final version had us catapulting the reinforced chest above the defences around the Zidith and into the area of the Zidith. We had... ahem.... NO ESCAPE PLAN. I didin't comment on it because I felt that any escape plan hinged on our ability to tackle the priests of the Zidith, and we could not really know how to deal with that until we would be there (so this was a number 2 kind of plan). Very well, i thought, let's go already.   We would leave in two days' time. During that time we kind of went our separate ways and trained for our various things. After that we moved into the chest and some very tense days followed. During this time, our nerves would be streched out of bounds.   First of all, I got to have a very unexpected talk with Kelly. I was walking Lullaby down from the bathroom when I met with her. Kelly looked a bit concerned and even inquired about Lullaby's overall state, saying she wanted to help, if there was anything on the technical side that I needed to better take care of Lullaby. She was very careful not to offend me or something, which I found funny. My first instinct was to be mean to her, but I got over my Axe-Eve feelings and thanked her. She said that she regretted not being more connected to her spirit, like we were, which I found to be an interesting remarked. I told her at least she gets to direct our plans basically. Ah, the ever vengeful Axe-Eve! I almost chastised her for putting Nixie in a shade, after which my thought was that "well, Nixie deserves it for being a useless captain!" And then I saw the wall behind Kelly and fantasised banging my sweet noggin against it. Kelly must have sensed the irony but I expect everyone treats me like I'm some sort of sick person because she smiled very innocently and said that actually that's the problem, she feels that her rational calculated approach is only useful up to some point, and that she can't get beyond that point and that it's frustrating. She explained that her understanding of the planes of reality was that of physical laws applying to the world like electricity and gravitation and others I don't really recall. And that she knew she needed a deeper understanding. What she called a "meta" understanding.   I gotta say, as much as I rant in here about Kelly, I don't have anything against her. Oh all right, I have a lot of things against her, but I can say that about everyone these days. In any case, I wanted to help, so I talked to her about, well... stuff, which she seemed very keen on hearing. I talked about the 999 steps of Marion and Defining Light, among other ramblings. Obviously at some point I felt I started to deride things and even become well Axe-Eve about it all, so I stopped. Overall, I am sure I didn't help her, just like I had failed Miyun. I'm not coherent enough for this.   But around me another thing was developing. Miyun was far from accustomed to her new situation. She was basically a prisoner who was not held by anyone, a prisoner of circumstance. She had a big talk with Damaschini and the girls and Tallion and then disappeared, after transforming into a squirrel. What happened was that she was very desperately trying to point out to the world that she was in fact a monster, because of things she did, and was furious that nobody seemed to think about those things. Miyun thought that they saw only the things they liked about her, and ignored the rest. I can bet that was the case, since when asked about what a Circeks is these people allegedly replied "a creature that turns into a squirrel" conveniently not mentioning "creature that feeds off of the liforce of people by having sex with them". Whoops indeed.   In any case, I wasn't there for the thing, but I did hear Miyun turned very weird and started to actively try to seduce people in front of everyone, INCLUDING BART YOU WHORE GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM! Well you can forget about me regretting to help you you don't deserve my help go fuck someone else and turn him into an animal Bart is already turned into a bat - blind as he is.   Oh, I should calm myself down. I really, really like little Miyun, she's a very clever girl, and I feel she's good at heart, but her heart has been shattered and she's poisoned by her own twisted understanding of what she's supposed to be. But she is technically an unhinged fucking-and-killing machine, so of course I will shout again HANDS OFF OF BART!!!!!   I wish I could help Miyun, but I feel I would just shout at her, so I stayed away. She didn't come to see me or Lullaby. Oh you know what really annoyed me!? Damaschini NOT DOING ANYTHING WHILE HIS DAUGHTER AND WOULD-BE-LEGACY ON THIS GOOD EARTH STARTS FLIRTING WITH MY BART! The audacity! SAY SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING! Are you so impotent? Weren't you the leader of great armies!? Bah! I bet you were Xantinya's mopping boy the whole time!   God damnit, you know what, dear journal I suddenly love more than anything in the world? Maybe I should no longer be so hinged. Let's go unhinged! I had enough of this fatherly ignorance-based-love! It's easy to love someone when you ignore what that someone is doing! It's harder to love someone who actively makes mistakes and horrid stuff and you have to put and end to them! It's hard to love AND be responsible! It's hard, eh!? WELL DO IT OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL TAKE YOUR CHILD AND MAKE HER MY OWN! Do you think I can't do it!? Watch me! I will be the mommy of everyone! Lullaby to the right, Miyun to the left, and I'll take better care of both by having them collectively bang their heads against the wall like me, in a synchronised, beautiful, mesmerising fashion!   Whoah there, Eve, too much. Eh, perhaps. You know, these days, cooked up inside as I was, I couldn't figure what was going on with me. Most of my anger was replaced by sheer.... emptiness. I had nothing left to give. I could barely sleep, I relied on a schedule to feel like I was doing anything at all. The others mostly ignored me, thanks to me telling them to steer clear. Bart still comes, but I limit his visits as much as possible. I wondered then...   What if they would find me dead one of these mornings? Throat slit open by a knife? Or, better still, with my wrists slashed in that beautiful porcelain sink in the big bathhouse? Would they feel pain? Would they cry? Would they think "monster Eve"? Hmmm. I started thinking maybe that ought to show them, make them feel something, anything. maybe that would wipe off Bart's smile!!!!   Yeah, I could easily kill myself. What's all the fuss about suicide anyway. Killing someone else is very hard, yes, but yourself? You just have to let the thing killing you do its part. Once you're set on it, it's fair game. So I spent the next days laying out some cute suicide scenarios, I even made some sloppy drawings. Since I have no real talent, I had to draw stick figures on the canvas Nixie gave me. I was very graphic with the blood though.   Ultimately, killing myself sounds like the best outcome for Axe-Eve. After all, Axe-Eve is me. I am the monster. Not Balan. Balan may just as well be gone already. It's me. It's always been me. Slaying a monster was a childhood dream. And I'm lazy. So I want to slay the most readily available monster around, oh, that's me! Convenient!   Ahem, returning to the story.............. Miyun would be very mad at them and would run away and would then stalk some of the party members and be altogether very threatening. I didn't really see her lurking about, but I heard some tales from others. Yellow eyes glaring at you in the dark, shadows moving on the walls, and a feeling that you were watched and... sensed. she would later come to her senses and apologise, after talking to Damaschini. The girls then had another talk with her, but that was after the Zidith.   Ah, here we are... the Zidith. I feel so little energy left to actually discuss it. I will try, but... the suicide thoughts really drained me. You see, I sensed some familiarity with that one line Lullaby uttered before falling into her state. Poor girl thought that she should die for her mistakes. Her mistakes being believing Zarkuz and Gilders and therefore losing Bajid, I think. I felt that, deep in my bones, that line, and now it sounds with some familiarity in my ears....   Anyway, not the time for that. I'm struggling to maintain composure, and some semblance of... faith. Hope. Things like that. I took up this fight. If I prevail, I know I'll be much stronger than before. If I fail.... well, I heard hell has a nice set of trees you can hang from.   When we finally emerged out of the chest, we were met with a gloomy sight: another one of what they call industrial districts, with huge metal domes all over. in the distance, however, we could see a giant looming over the dark horizon. it was night and the sky was covered in thick black clouds, no stars or moon to light it up, just the lights coming from the ground. But in the distance we could see the Zidith. A huge building, more than 700 meters high, rising almost like a human being, but with eight long arms, 4 on each side, and the 9th arm, like a head, rising above and almost disappearing into the clouds. The Zidith was black, but also lit by so many small lights, or so they seemed.   The Orshags readied their cannon and we went back inside the chest. The cannon fired and the chest flew past everything and landed somewhere. When we got out we found ourselves in front of the Zidith. It was.... a sight I'll never forget. The Zidith pulsated with electricity, like blood flowing through veins. Each second, a pulse of immense energy would come from its 9 arms to the centre, were a huge symbol - the one resembling a wasp - was shaped. All around the Zidith you had these huge metal boxes that contain those calculating things called computers. So we got plenty of things to hide behind when some priests of the Zidith came. They were dressed in red-white robes and wore white masks with gaps for eyes pointing outwards and downwards, like the red lines on the Zidith's symbol. The priests went by some computers located right in front of the gigantic Zidith and starting pressing buttons with what seemed to be robotic fingers. They did so at amazing speeds, and kept doing some stuff Bart and Tallion later explained. They were recognising and replicating sequences of codes, basically searching for information provided by the Zidith and extracting its meaning.   At some point though, we saw the priests acting weird. They started mumbling, and our helmets translated their words as "war". They were very baffled, it seems. Then we got to know why. "War with the ITA? It can't be" one of them said. Oh, yeah.....   Then it seemed that the priests received direct text from our own whispers!!! Confused, Nixie started whispering "don't go to war with the ITA" hoping to dupe the priests, but that was just translated as code which specified that someone said these words, it was not transmitted as actual summary of the information itself, you know... So the priests transmitted the info as "war with the ITA" or something...   But then the Zidith started pulsating differently, and its core lit up even more. I forgot to mention but the soil there was covered by metal and on these metal floors were so many pathways for electricity, and they all started to be more and more charged. And then the Zidith started processing some very weird information. The priests read "Nernixis Ibryiil-Aellevansar". And we panicked. And then it transmitted another message, "So we meet".   And then more happened. Some metals at the base of the Zidith started to melt and then fuse together in something altogether different. The others said they snesed bending of reality. Probably. Certainly. As the metal was being moulded, and smoke would rise, we all froze in our respective hideouts. The priests watched on, baffled as they were.   From the smoke arose a figure. A head, or a mask, a white mask, with subtle contours of eyes, a nose and a closed mouth, but without any holes. Behind the mask, God knows, but on the sides one could see pointy Elvish ears made of the same white metal. A sort of robotic form composed the rest of the being, roughly shaped like an... Elf. Probably. But you could see tubes emerging from between metal sheets, and the form was not that of a body, but rather that of machine parts cobbled together. The abomination had just one black tear beneath one eye. A voice was then heard, a strong, but completely grey and neutral voice:   "VAELEN NEL ARTHIN"   That. Was. Old Elvish. Upon hearing those words, upon feeling the triumphant vibration from them, I knew, without a shred of doubt, that we were now facing one of them. The Elves that followed Xantinya's son, the children of the Demons.   What kind of machine was that? What kind of creature was that? He seemed nothing more than one of those AIs the xy-ans have. But no, you could feel behind the mask the sheer power and... emptiness of that being....   He addressed Nixie directly: "So you are the heir of the Elvish King. I thought you would be greater" Nixie was scared, and we barely started to emerge from our hideouts to face him. She didn't know what to say, and kept repeating "why did you come?" But oh he didn't come to us, we came to him, for he was the Zidith, all along. He was the power behind the Commonwealth. He had been the one receiving all that energy all that time, gathering information from the entire xy and giving... directions... to this huge faction, that ate up whatever he spewed as the objectively best decisions to be taken....   I knew then just how devastated xy was, and just how much we had to save it. It and the whole world. For xy was just perhaps the most advanced trial of a system that, perfected and exacerbated, would be implemented by Xantinya in all 9 worlds...   Much to our credit, we stood against this Soreoth, son of the Lord of Rituals - Baphomet himself, the prince of Hell. Fitting, for the son of the great manipulator of information to manipulate all the information in xy. Nixie and Verfy announced that they stood against him, as Soreoth announced that the world would soon come to the end they were expecting. It seems he had awaited Nixie's arrival, in order to join this ending of the world.   Marc was the first to attack. It wasn't really an order, but someone raised the question, and Nixie seemed to answer positively. Marc took matter in his own hands and shot. Then, as the Elf, ignoring the attack, started moulding a rocket-thingie from more metal from the Zidith, Damaschini rushed to confront him, followed by Xixi, Verfy, Drenizek and Bart. The rest of us just stood there, unsure what to do, what to say, where to go....   Damaschini tried to stop the Elf, but he was stronger, he had a mastery over the planes of reality that was beyond any of us, that was clear even to me. Xixi tried to hit him with Lullaby's sword, but failed and even lost the sword. The Elf actually tried to take it, but Verfy managed to hook the sword to a grappling device from the Orshags, and took it. Then Xixi used it to cut the robot's head, but... expectedly.... it didn't work. Some viscous green... goo... of sorts... glued the head back to the rest of the body. Was that... I don't know what it was, but... at least it was clear this was not just a machine, I think. Well, it was an Elf. A memory of an Elf, or so it felt. But what a monstrous indiference... when he proclaimed that our world would end, he did it with little to no care for it. It was merely his mission.   Nixie braved him, but as Soreoth left in his rocket, I felt her resolve falter. The Zidith lit up, a huge burst of energy surging it one last time. The rocket, as it was flying in front of the Zidith, was charged by hundreds of electric bolts coming from the Zidith at the same time, and it disappeared out of sight, launched by a huge gap in the very fabric of reality itself. The Zidith then started to disintegrate as an after-effect, and we rushed back into the chest as we ran like hell from there. There was no one to stop us, all the priests and the guards around the Zidith were running too....   We made it back into the chest. We had a moment to draw breath, and then we started talking about what had just happened. It was... shocking... for most of us... Nixie especially was taken aback, to say the least. We all took turns comforting her. She was very fearful that we may not live to see good prevail in this world, given that Evil had such power... but most importantly, it hurt her that her own kin could be... THAT. I understood. The others talked about hope and the such, but I knew the problem. That thing... that machine... It could be her, too. Why wouldn't it be? That was an Elf. Like her. When you see what you can become... it shakes you.   Whenever I look in the mirror and I see the monster I have become, I have this reaction.. Like looking at Soreoth, but it's actually me, so it's even worse.....   Well, somehow, after all this.... Tired as I am, I can't help but feel a little better. Strangely enough. It's because... well, you see, Nixie is not a robot. She brought us here, like Drenizek said, and that in and of itself made her the heir of the Elvish King. She is the leader. These Elves were expecting something like that. Soreoth said she wasn't as strong as he expected. Hah, you'll see, filth.   I can finally feel we're on the right track. I see it. The chessboard. The pieces all seemed dead, yet that small devious little pawn almost made it to the far end of the board.   The tides shall turn.   This may be the last positive thought I'll ever put to paper. Hope not.   May the Almighty protect them and give Nixie the strength to carry on.   P.S.: the girls tried convincing me to let them stay with Lullaby for a week or two. I refused. I can't let go of her. I won't. And now I'm trying something else too. I want to find out more about her relationship to the sword. I think I can reach her through it, somehow. That sword holds a power, of some sort, not on its own, but through Lullaby. If I can understand more, maybe I can help Lullaby help us even in the state that she is in.... I feel that she deserves that, a chance to help. She lost almost everything trying to come and help us. She deserves at least that.   I really grew very fond of her, dear journal. Well, I am fond of everyone in this stinking chest. hah. I am all over the place, ain't I. Dirty whore that I am. Well, off to some sleeping attempts, I guess. I feel so alone right now, so lost, but as econd ago i felt hopeful. ah, it's so tiring already... But I can't crack now. even if the thought... the thought does seem encouraging... no. no. enough.

"To the thousands [saints], I find myself posing only one question: did you kill your instincts, or did they become good too? Illien the Great, in his Letters to a Greater Man.   Journal, scourge of my days,   I find myself writing in you on this beautiful... bah... on this forever-morning, or day, or whatever this fake, painting-like state of facts the chest espouses, this is. I feel fine, quite fine, actually, I have Verfy to thank for that, she gave me her necklace, which makes sure you always wake up with a level head and a rested body. thank you Verfy!   I know I've ben remiss on my recount of late, that's because I've once again been out of commission for a couple of days. You see, i must've unconsciously decided to make a tour of all the hospitals in all the dimensions I could get my neat little hands on. So, without further ado, here goes.   As you may recall, we were stuck in some kind of cell, all clumped together, after we got captured by the Commonwealth. Since Miyun's state was actually getting worse, we had to deal with her before even thinking about escaping, as Nixie pointed out. Miyun was cursed by that xenatine, well, she did cut herself with the xenatine-infused blade she had, so that she could receive the force of its magical essence and become even stronger. Well, that obviously worked against her, more than for her. We all came by her side and tried to think of a solution. Vas proposed transferring her pain and corruption onto him through some kind of a ritual, molded after a Hifrist rite he'd seen performed by his elder priests. I didn't like the idea of adapting Hifrist rites to our problem, but maybe that was just Axe-Eve thinking Axe-Eve things. I was also worried the xenatine curse was so strong it could affect us as well. I did read in some "book" (actually on one of their screens, where they have these "virtual" books) here in xy that xenatine (kaliz) can affect others indirectly, by contact with those directly affected, a phenomenon which is called kaliz-radioactivity. But it only works if the directly affected person was affected by massive quantities, usually deadly. Still, there was no time to theorise on how xenatine worked on her. We were there to treat.   So I tried to tend to her slash wound, the one she made on her palm with the scythe. That's where the xenatine curse entered her body, mixing with her lifeforce and altering her magical essence. You know, of all the crimes the servants of Evil, generally, and the dark Elves, specifically, did, the transformation of star essence into xenatine may just be the worst. This accursed stone has only one mission, that of furthering the design of the Master: turn, twist, corrupt, ruin. Whatever magic exists, the xenatine can twist it, and it can infect life itself as a result. it can burn through matter, through flesh and stone and metal, too. It can be infused to ruin everything, feeding off the will that powers it. Like in Miyun's case, where it was hard to discern what were Miyun's own actions and what were the actions of a perverted will twisted to resound the great Will of the Master himself.   Hah, look at me, writing "Master" like I'm some sort of demon, myself. I don't know why I started doing that, but I know very well who I'm referring to. It sounded like a sound title, and then it struck me that it's probably coming from the screams in my head. hm. Sometimes I can hear these faint shouts, never sure if it's demons or people tortured by demons, or maybe... me? Hard to say for sure.   Anywhoo, I remember a nice thing about naming the big boy. When I was a little girl, my father used to read to me a book called "tales of the East", filled to the brim with these stories of cloaked mages travelling the land of ancient worlds, before the First Council. And in many of their travels they encountered some sort of difficulty from sly, devious creatures, animals or humans, serving the great Malkan. I remember I told my father that I didn't think that name was so threatening. "Well it's not supposed to be a threat, but a fact" he would say. "You know what Malkan is?" "No, I'm not smart yet" I would snidely respond. He got mad and said I'm a big fuss and I'll never be smart with that attitude. Then he explained to me: "Malkan comes from old eastern dialect. Kan is king, and Mal is the name for nothing". "Oh, so nothing-king!" I laughed. But he was very serious.   "No, you rascal. King of nothing, yes, because he is no true king, he only wants to take down the Almighty and climb on His throne, but he can't do that, he's not so stupid, to think that he could. But also king of Nothingness, for he rules over the emptiness that is evil".   To put it nicely, I didn't really understand at that time. But yes, this dual nature has been bugging me of late. If the big boy Master wants to really be 'Master', he can't be God, he's king of nothing. But he's also king of Nothing, so maybe he wants to bring the Nothing to this world. Bart said something very smart about this some time later, he said that Xantinya wants to bring down the Almighty by hurting us. If the Master and his pony-comet can bring the nothingness of Evil to the level of norm on our world, then they can imprison all souls and therefore rob the Almighty of his beloved creatures, who would not be turning to him, but instead turning to nothingness. and so, the Master can be king of a ... hm. a NEW world. and this new order would make him, in all but technicality, the Master of the Universe, the king, the true king, the ruler of souls, the perverter of all. a world where creation is not necessary anymore, because there is nothing left to create, only endless perversion, endless ruination, endless suffering, fueling the power of the Master.   I must say, it sounds almost feasible, if only that. you do have to circumvent the fact that the Almighty is all-powerful. then again, I can't understand the full effects of creation. If the Almighty is the only being in the universe, of course He is all-powerful. Power requires power over something. And the only spirit in the world would obviously have power over everything else. Since everything else is what the spirit creates.   But what happens if the spirit creates other spirits? Spirits molded after his own. So free-willed. Then there are some boundaries to His power. But are they because of free-will, or because, in essence, there are other spirits in the world now? These spirits cannot create from nothing, so there is a difference. A created spirit cannot be the same as the one creator-spirit. hm so having more spirits does not mean the Creator loses His all-powerfulness. but, in effect, since other spirits can influence, if not create, the rest of the world, then it means that the Almighty would be checked indirectly, as other spirits could do things, not what the Almighty aimed at doing. And that is, in and of itself, a limitation of power...? I can't say. I think the plays of demons and angels are too hard for us to grasp, and I'm afraid I'll write something heretical and dumb.   I don't want to understand, necessarily, what all-powerfulness is. It should suffice to know the Almighty is, well, just that: Almighty. But now that the demons are openly trying to challenge that, I would've liked to see how exactly they think they can go around this fact.   Well, that was a useless boring-Nutcase rant. i didn't even reach a conclusion. Just beating around a dead bush like a lunatic. God I hate it when I look back at any of my philosophies and rants, either in this journal or in together trainings or discussions or in general. I never say anything, and people nod and say yea maybe because what in the name of the deepest of Hells can they even say!? I make no sense, make no point, give no insight. I just blabber around using fancy pansy words. Of course Nixie would never care for what I say, of course Bart would never find me interesting! I wonder if I just confused Damaschini more with my stupid thoughts on.. haha, defining Good.   Well, at least, dear Axe-Eve, defining Good was not that much of a blabber. It actually helped me do something. Or maybe I made no difference. Yeah, actually probably I made no difference. I tried to do this, define Good. Well, muster all my positive feelings for Miyun and use my healing touch, that touch with which I arrange lifeforce back into someone I care for, in order to realign Miyun's lifeforce. You see, my love for this little tortured girl would find me her initial lifeforce, and I would try to bring that initial lifeforce back into her distorted body.   safe to assume that I didn't do much, because a big ugly shadow appeared behind Miyun, and it was none other than the Mivureh that had tried to kill Menn'e all those weeks back. I tried to stay focus on my thing, but I lost all consciousness of everything around me. The last thing I remember was seeing Miyun open her eyes. I was happy, then, because she was saved.   Not because of ugly old me.   i woke up a century after that, in 958 AC, with Bart by my side. i had thsese nasty tubes and masks and things on me, and I could feel that they pierced me with some sharp needles so that they could I don't know I don't want to know. I didn't even have to go to the bathroom because that was taken care of as well...!? Horrifying, i wanted out of all that, out of that bed, but i couldn't move and i could barely talk. Bart was just sitting there talking about how we escaped the cell and the ship we were in, which luckily was not in the air or in space, but still anchored or whatever they call it, on the ground. And we escaped via the 'engine' thingie. well, there you go, mission successful, we got out and were back in Orshag hands, lovely. i feared that these Orshags wanted to put recycled serum into me or some other abominable substance, so i tried to reach my hand out to grab Bart and tell him to save me from that ugly fate, but he thought something else and just grabbed my hand and smiled like a big, blonde oaf. save me goddamnit! what a beautiful realisation of our wonderful relationship! i feel dehumanised, weakened, unable to talk, to see, to move, to do anything, and he just sits there and smiles!!!!!! DO SOMETHING, SHOW YOU CARE TO GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS DIRTY! I had to endure this "virus" thing which is what put me in the hospital, sick as I was, but my real place was near Lullaby, who was probably taken care of by someone else, probably the girls, and the girls were going to suffer, and it was MY fault and my beautiful wise rational blonde prince was JUST SMILING LIKE A BIG OAF.   I wanted to sqeeze his hand till he screamed so that i could feel at least some sort of emotion coming from him, other than his damn smile. I wish I could drown his smile. I kn...   * * *   I'm sorry. I came back after going near a big fat wall and bumping my head against it. I did big bum bum on the wall, as one may say. I kinda overdid it, because now it hurts like, well, like the place we are in, hell. I never really had such anger towards Bart before. I can't even remember if I felt that anger back then or only now as I was writing this... Probably both... What sort of monster am I becoming...?   The others visited me later that day, or one day later...? Can't tell. I was still weak, but i could talk a little. Verfy and Nixie were indeed taking care of Lullaby, who was with them. She looked fine, Almighty be praised, but Verfy was very gloomy and I could feel Nixie was in a worse mood than usual too. They tried to hide it but I could feel the sweet caress of Balan on their cheeks. Hah. Maybe now they know how it is and will stop asking me to let them.   But no, they wanted to keep doing it, keep taking care of Lullaby! Many heroes in this party. Many many heroes. Wait till your entire being is turned against you, when you can't even...   ahahaha, maybe it's nothing, maybe Balan's influence is so small and frail it barely matters.... Can you imagine the anticlimactic end to this, journal? The girls taking care of Lullaby for weeks on end, while I suffer in stupidity. Then the girls come to me and say "Eve, we are actually quite fine. Why did Balan affect you so much?"   Oh, it's because IT WAS NEVER BALAN TO BEGIN WITH, IT WAS ME!!! GOOD 'OL EVE! Hahaha I'm the demon, I'm DEMON-EVE LIKE BART SAID SUCH A LONG TIME AGO. Bart, your genius and wisdom are excelled only by your sense of premonition! God bless you and your cute curls!   * * *   Sorry, I had to discharge my anger at something so I went to another room and started gnawing at a pillow. literally tore it apart. I couldn't do it in front of Lullaby, I don't want my madness to affect her in any way. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the incapable patient and she's the doctor. it's true she can't speak or do things herself, but she's always a calming presence. I still have a lot of urges to blame her for stuff, but no matter how hard axe-eve tries, i can't stay mad at her if I look at her. uh, she's getting VERY pregnant already.   oh oh oh oh oh I didn't tell you dear journal last morning I was dressing Lullaby and putting on her blouse and I felt a tiny kick from her abdomen and aaaaaaaah my heart melted. Don't tell anyone dear journal but I want a child. I'll never have one, I'm sure of that, and if I ever do I hope to God someone will come and take it away from me before I kill it, but not even Axe-Eve can take this away from me! i want to define good the best way one person can, by giving birth to someone!   that being said, the 9 months leading up to that are not the most pleasant thing in the world, as I can say I know first-hand. But Lullaby is so silent, so... calm.... It's almost eerie. I'm sure she is in pain sometimes. I'm sure maybe sometimes she's tired from walking, when we have to walk a lot. But nothing shows. not even a twitch of the muscles. No expression, no frown, no nothing.   I'm sorry, I can't focus today. I was writing about Bart I think yes well let that be, I can't era... No, no, no stop it Eve stop thinking about Bart, that's the safest way!   So, I was out of the hospital before long and back with the rest. I went to hug Lullaby and make sure she had everything she needed, but she was obviously fine, as the girls took good care of her. I just had to cut her nails, but lo and behold Nixie did that already. Oh well... I thanked them, but I did feel a little worried. Maybe I am truly mad, and the demon has barely any influence... This is just me, the real me....   Like Miyun says about herself... you see, after the hospital, she came to our room to hide or something, turned into a squirrel. she could do that, apparently. it startled me at first, but i quickly figured out who she was. The girls were trying to talk to Miyun. She had found out about Lullaby, apparently, I found out later. She came to see it for herself. She didn't realise Bajid had died in front of her. But she was there, wasn't she? I can't remember. What sort of excuse can this assassin-girl have No, Eve, stop! Bad Eve!   the girls came after Miyun and talked very nicely to her and then even Damaschini came with her clothes (when she turns into a squirrel she doesn't transform her clothes too, obviously). I didn't intervene. i want to help Miyun, but I feel as lost as she is, in that we both don't really know who we are. Miyun said she was a monster, and I wanted to say 'yes you are", but that was just Axe-Eve I think. She's no monster. She's just a girl who's had a lot on her plate, very little guidance, and made some really bad decisions. I just can't understand this Damaschini. for a guy literally called the black dragon, bane of Vormiol and co-creator of the common front, he's a big, black wuss. He can't inspire anything in anyone. Look at Miyun. THIS is what Damaschini's morals create? A girl with no compass, no love, no understanding? Oh sure he is sweet to her and loves her, but does he do anything more? Aaaah   * * *   I WILL KEEP BANGING MY HEAD TILL IT'S DEAD   * smudge*   In any other case of the anys and whos, we had to arrange the birthday party for Nixie. Our gift, the captain's hat equipped with symbols from everyone, sewed on patches attached to the leather, was ready and awaiting her. also the gift from the small-party itself, the cake of Zarkuz's head, was finished. F   No, no more Axe-Eve rantings or it's the wall for you, head! keep banging till it's dead   so, blabla, things happened, things occured, things .... thing'ed. We all came together to witness the presentation of the gifts for our captain. Dillen lead the presentations, and he first introduced a hand-walking Marc carrying the captain's hat on one of his legs. He even bent a knee to get the hat lower for Nixie to grab it. Nixie loved the hat to tears. I felt grateful. I just wanted some respite from the constant hell we're in, and in that moment I did not feel any Axe-Eve stuff, just the joy of seeing my friend and my captain happy, truly happy. i'm sure it felt the same for her. One moment of pause, if anything, from this doom...   And then Drenizek opened the door in front of which we had stopped, after being led there by Dillen. Inside was a dome, a big dome, with a garden in it... A garden arranged by the crew... well, mostly Drenizek, with plants from xy growing from pots and patches of soil, and then in the middle of the dome, a small podium with a white swing on it, in front of a big xy tree with red leaves... And in front of the swing, a small pond, with a patch of soil in the middle, with a hole, for the... yes, for the leaf that Tallion saved from the Primordial Beech.   I smiled. The garden was not really fully grown, a lot of plants were small, except for the tree, but... i could see their hand in everything, they even put some strings with white flags attached, and some of those butterfly floating lights from xy... And Isbel even showed me a corner where she'd buried a couple of onions from the Sapphire Sword, the last onions we had from the ship...................   Then of course Zarkuz's head, and my mood went down immediately. Why bring this ugly idiot's head in that beautiful moment? Oh well. We carved the cake and ate it, very tasty, kudos to Damaschini and Isbel (also i think Tallion pitched in, I don't understand why they don't let him cook more, if anything, Tallion is an excellent cook, as I fondly recall). Then we had a... party! Like in the good old days, where I was just damsel-Eve and there was just 1 end of the world, instead of 9, and where distances between our destinations was measured in leagues, not lightyears. of course, Nixie wanted a drinking game, and she wanted EVERYONE to participate.   I remember some bits of last night. I got drunk immediately and wanted to... dance, I think? Can't remember. Bart was fine at first but then he collapsed and then I saw Nixie drench him in a bottle of alcohol. He had been puking on Xixi before, though, so he earned that. I came to his alcohol-drenched face and started licking his face I think? I just wanted to make love to him but he rejected me by going to sleep.   Story of my life.   Well, that was it, I guess, I can't remember or recall much more than this. I wonder if the others can keep track of what's going on. I've decided to lock myself up more, avoid people, except my 1-2-3 hours with Bart. He usually comes and does stuff while I read or try to define Light or stuff. I actually braided a nice pillow for Lullaby, I was thinking about that time when I braided one for Sea. He's nice to me but sometimes I wish he'd just be a jerk and leave so I could come after him and hit him and scream at him all the words that I've been cooking up in this journal against him. And then maybe nothing else would be left but our love and I could find him again....   I don't know. This was my last break, I think, in a long time. Darn it.   May the Almighty protect us and forgive this useless madman that is me.

I dreamt I was back on the ship, while we were all asleep from the gas. So now somehow I can't stop thinking about it. I re-read the entries from when we were about to leave Alomir. Little did we know... I was only spewing my nonsense. We would spend 3 and a half months on that ship, but now I miss it like I miss home...   If only I had Nixie's talents, I would paint the whole of it. Every room, every nook and cranny. We lost it, and we won't probably see it again, ever. Like my home in Marion, actually. Heh. Soon, I will probably be too mad to even have these memories. Let them survive here, then.   The Sapphire Sword was a sturdy ship, two masts high as northern pines holding 3 sails apiece, with a lateen sail in front, as one does. It had a cute crows nest on top of the main mast, which was the one closest to the helm. There Gerki would bring his woolen blanket, knitted in black and white zigzags, and would eat his supper and breakfast. Later on, it would hold Marv and his array of liquors. One of the wooden stakes fitted to the mast (used as stairs) was broken from when Bart was chased by Xixi all the way to the top of the mast.   There was ample space on deck. The stern was elevated, there you would have the helm, a beautiful wooden piece carved out of cherry wood, shiny every day, because Xebec would always clean it and wax it. Even later when a new helm would be built, Xebec would take care of it. Sometimes you would also find Dillen leaning on the edge, measuring the speed of the ship with his funny beads of rope. Below of course were the Captain's quarters. It was a wide but not very tall room with small round windows on each side. It had a big bed and I remember distinctly those pure white sheets Nixie loved to use for her bed, mostly because of the golden "A" embraided on their side; they were some of Tallion's famous sheets. Right above the bed would be this simple painting of a horizon, which Xebec hung over his bed and Nixie kept. There were a couple of chests and a big tall drawer, but also several planches crowded in a corner and of course the wooden tripod Nixie used to put the paintings on. A small table was usually filled with colours and smelled a little funny. Later on it would have a weird back wall, with wood of a different colour, but that's because the dragon had eaten that part haha.   If you exited the Captain's Quarters you would get on the quarter deck, around the main mast. You would be surprised to see a weird dent in the otherwise sturdy wood of the mast. It was the dent caused by Bart being crashed into the mast by Tallion. Later on though the main mast would be changed, so the dent would be no longer. Between the two masts we had the Mess hall, rising two and a half meters above the deck, a closed quarter filled to the brim with long wooden benches and simple tables, almost empty, but always with at least a couple of old, dusty cups just waiting for some alcohol of any kind. Oh, and the pair of dice Maltor always left laying about. And the two trapdoors leading below deck.   If you took the narrow trapdoors down below, you would reach a damp narrow corridor, which every morning would be filled with hungry crewmates waiting in a queue for Laimon's breakfast. Going forward, you would find the three rooms reserved for the crew. One port-side, one starboard-side, and one ahead. All three were smallish, but roomy enough for hammocks to be hung between wooden poles. Chests would lie in a disorganised fashion all around, and coats would hang on the coathangers inside. You would also have a weapon stand, with swords, maces, an axe, and, of course, Drenizek's Nur'timi stick.   Almost hidden from sight between these larger rooms you would get the kitchen, in fact a small warehouse-room which Isbel would take care of quite well. Always clean, well scrubbed and well organised, with onions and garlic hanging by the wall from nets, barrels of alcohol, or filled with crackers, or with fruit, or with more onions, and of course the table with carefully-arranged knives where Isbel would cut the catch of the day, usually tasty fish. She would throw all the bones and nasty parts in a small barrel which one of the crew would then throw overboard.   Astern were the rooms designed for the party. We never quite got a permanent room, always moving around from side to side, but I have actually stayed in the same chamber since the beginning, just with different people. It was a cramped room. Once I shared it with Nixie, Verfy and Sea, and I slept on the floor sometimes. We rotated. Again some chests all over the place, including my very own small cute chest with a couple of books in it, my knitting material, my Ael Velle tunic, and tools for making runes, which I somehow got from dad (hm, he knew something, didn't he). And by the bed on a small barrel I kept a small treasure chest, which once contained the ring from Tallion, then was empty, and then contained a very precious piece of paper from Nixie, and another very precious piece of paper from Bart.   And how I remember the two blackfire sword hanging by the bedside! And, of course, carefully wrapped around sheets and placed in a chest, Nixie's mesmerising staff. And, somewhere inconspicuous, my other chest, small and cute, with three vial bottles, 2 empty, one still full.   And of course you would have the room which was used mostly by the boys, a crowded, beautiful mess, always in complete disarray, always changing inhabitants... And right next to it the room that would eventually become Xixi's by what Mages call "apprehension". After Xixi took it, it transformed into one giant bed, literally, with sheets covering most of the room. At first it stank like hell in there because Xixi would come all wet but she learned.   Behind we had a storage room, with a big iron-reinforced door which Vadrek and Brunek would stare at longingly, for they knew it usually housed alcohol. But really it was more onions, crackers, jerky, dried fish and nuts.   And, of course, the unused room, which Nixie had turned into a bathhouse, with four big barrels in the middle of it, a couple of coat hangers for your clothes, and a small shelf installed so that Nixie could place her lavender-infused perfumes and scrubs.   You could have missed it, but on the corridor between the ladders leading up the trapdoors was another trapdoor, leading below, to the second, wider storage area, where you would find our spare wood, ropes, iron sheets, sails, even more barrels of food, and where we found a very bewildered Marv, who had the immense bad luck of teleporting to the only ship crossing the Desolation.   If you went back up, careful not to bump your head against the grid when climbing through the trapdoor, like Marc always did, you could go visit the sides of the ship, with nets coming down from the mast where I would just hang out and read. Sometimes, Drenizek would come and commence his singing, and Marc and Orman and others would come to listen to him or cheer him on. And in the evenings they would come to tell tales, drink or play cards, and throw stones or nuts (!) into the sea, wagering on who would get them farthest.   And ahead, on the frontal part of the mast, we would have the training grounds. Plenty of space here for the muscle men to test their skills. Lafku's strong baritone voice would echo through the wooden beam of the deck, and I would always almost stop reading when I heard him. Sometimes, someone got hurt, and an "ouch" could be heard. Sometimes it was just Verfy's laugh, or Xebec's short "ha" of approval. Sometimes I could hear a strange sound, and it would be Tallion practicing his arcane. And the burn marks on the wood on the deck were reminders of that time Miremis got the ship ablaze and Nixie had to extinguish the flames.   And of course, the bowsprit of the ship, boldly pointing forward. Strangely enough, the bowsprit was never hurt. Damaged, I wanted to say. Hurt suits it better. It always pointed us ahead. Through storms and through fights with Fatorarkians, through dragon-fights and through chases, it kept intact. It's the bowsprit which held the rope for the poor crewmen who went down to unstuck our ship, back in the Desolation. It's the bowsprit that held fast when a sick Drenizek would climb it in the middle of a giant storm, and would laugh as he saved a panicked Nixie climbing after him. It's the bowsprit that pointed us to Enneth, and to Vaneolin after it, and it's the last thing my eyes saw of our ship.   Farewell, Sapphire Sword.

"Xenatine is merely a glass shard mirroring the rotten core of this world" Lich-lord Astrakh ne Delan, as reported by Gelstran of Irsia in his Recounting of the Great Invasion of 105 AC.   Stains.... sorry, I wanted to write something coherent but there are stains everywhere... I curse this journal and these walls and this filthy chest!!! There's no air here, how can we live like this? Or, well, at least I don't have air.   * * *   I'm back. I confess, I went to cry like a sad little girl, yes, mock me, laugh at me, sneer and jeer. What do you want me to do? Face things like a grown-up, you may say. I'm facing as much as I can, or actually as much as my weak soul is willing to carry. Maybe that's the thing. I'm too weak. Drenizek told Verfi not a long time ago that God only gives us as much as we can carry, or I said it? I don't remember, I clearly remember telling this to Drenizek, so in the end it was my thought, now or sometime in the past. But... I haven't really asked the follow up... Is it fair? Take the tale of the Master and his three apprentices. You know, the one whereby the master gives out alimonies to his three best apprentices. So the main focus of the story is obviously on the third apprentice, who just buries his money in the ground instead of investing it, like the first two. But here's the thing.... The first apprentice had 10 pieces of gold. He faced a bigger risk when investing, and had to be more careful. The second apprentice faced a smaller risk. The Master awaited his alimonies back, but the second apprentice could only stand to lose 5 pieces of gold at most, while the first had a potential 10-gold piece debt to swallow. Yet the Master treats them both the same, because they both doubled their money to 20 and 10 respectively. He only chastises the moron who buried his 2 gold coins. So I get it that the second apprentice did the same as the first one... But was it FAIR? That's my question. Why have less money than the other one to begin with?   Oh, Eve, you Nut! People are not the same. Everyone has differing qualities and potential, and God knows our potential and would not ask for more than to use the potential WE have, instead of comparing us with people that have potential for more in any given thing. Like I'm not supposed to shatter the Earth like Bart.... am I?   Haha, here's the thing. First, I know what the story is on about. I know it comes from God Himself, as part of the Marion Hill revelations. So, yes, I take it at face value. But, for the sake of discussion, since I have nothing better to do than cry in this ugly palace where an eternally gross sun shines... Think of Bart! The very example I gave above. God gave Bart and I the same scrawny bodies. As far as our physical prowess gold coins go, we are more or less comparable. Well, he's a man, so he's got me there, but if we compare us with average men/women, we both end up somewhere in the same area of scrawniness, relative to our own genders. Then again... Bart can smash the earth with a fist, I can't. How do we calculate that in gold coins!? He doesn't even do it because he's strong, so he didn't increase his gold coins, right? But then, he DID increase gold coins in other parts, like in mental prowess. The allegory was meant to represent all of our traits and qualities as gold coins. So he has 10 gold coins, he doesn't multiply the one gold coin which was physical prowess, but he multiplies the others, so he still doubles it. But but but it helps him, technically, multiply his 1 coin as well!!! That's the thing!!! So he actually DOES do a lot more than just multiply coins.... He multiplies his coins and by doing so multiplies his coins even more, getting into a constant loop of coin multiplication which will lead to him drowning in the amount of coins he multiplies, but that would give him even more coin, to the point the universe itself is drenched in coins as if he's the biggest bestest greatest boy to have ever walked the good Earth and its 8 other equivalent Earths!   I'm just mad. I'm not jealous, idiotic journal.... I can't stand to see MYSELF so bad, when he's so good. I have a duty. Duty! Do you understand? That's the thing with the second apprentice. His duty as he saw it was to multiply 5 gold coins by 5. But the other guy was doing 10 for 10. I have 5 or 10, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE I HAVE 1! Or 0, since this number so accurately represents me anyways. What I DO know is that I want to multiply my coins by 10 stupid stinking other coins! I don't know what my Duty is, so I made it my duty that I get the maximum amount of coins, and here I am, not even multiplying the coins that I have, while Bart multiplies even what he doesn't have (see physical power). It's.... embarrassing.   Also to be honest Bart looks more buff in general so there you go, he even went ahead and did that.   I had a talk with him. Yeah, there you go, the big core issue. Eve upset, so Eve axe. Eve axe, so Eve mad. Eve mad, so Eve bad journal chapter. Simple inferences. Ugh, I should be linear, it's a journal, not a cheap half-hatched philosophical piece. So, without further ado, here's where we stand.   We reached the Evo-centre at Tekkera Sul, the capital Star Sector of the Orshag. I did not know what to expect, we were going to visit another planet. For the first time. Bethle does not count, Bethle is basically our Earth in another dimension. But the capital planet in Tekkera Sul, called Aviriath, was a completely different place. You could tell everyone felt a bit worried and out of place when we were told that we were going to need protective suits and breathing mechanisms or something. Because the air is toxic! Also the planet is cold, quite cold.   I was in no mood for talks, but people were unusually enthusiastic to share their feelings on all matter of subjects. I was more focused on how well protected we were... These soldiers with big complex helmets, almost fashionable cyan cloaks and shining armor which seemed as metal as you could get, only not iron, but some weird.... alloy, I think Kelly called it...? Like bronze is a mix of more metals, I don't know metallurgy... Anyway, they were monstrously strong, I could feel it, and coordinated with the efficiency of machines... but they were living beings. And clearly we were important enough already to be escorted. Weren't we supposed to come here covertly? Haha. Hahahahaha.   But people weren't that worried. I didn't know what to expect from the Orshag. I was uneasy, but not as uneasy as when I realised poor Lullaby would surely get hurt from wearing their stupid suits. Her ankles are swollen and she'll get nasty calluses... I can't help her. I'm useless, God. I tried to at least not make her move too much. It's funny, I am surrounded by various expressions. Everyone has at least one go-to expression, perhaps several, and they are different. Sometimes I can't stand them and wish to smash them, but that's just Axe-Eve and the monstrosity that has emerged from within me. It drives me nuts. Like for example that dumb smile Marc always has. Almost a smirk, as if to say haha I'm better than you I'm happy you're not! How I hate him sometimes!!!! See...? Mad!   Nixie keeps getting sad and flustered about the whole "toiled girl" incident, as Verfy calls it. I told her it's not her fault, but I guess I can understand how having someone die in your arms all of a sudden for no reason can make you feel. Still, seeing her so flustered about much about everything in xy, even if she's the one that insisted we continue on this journey, makes me a little confused. And, in all honesty, lost. I'm lost in many ways, I mean lost in our mission. Are we even doing something worthwhile here? I feel so much that the chessboard is set here as well, that we're wasting our time. This world is under her control. Under their control. Like ours, to be honest. But maybe even more. I don't know, there's an invisible hand... it just permeates everywhere... I can't explain it too much. In any case, seeing Nixie so unsure... Why would I think any of this has any meaning? I once tried to instill this trust into Nixie, now I feel the roles have reversed in a way, I'm the one seeking some semblance of hope and direction from her, but she seems just as in need as I...   I have abandoned her, that's what I did! God, she needed me to be the wannabe-wise level headed Ionolian bore-Nut who would talk about how we are still doing fine, how we can still continue the fight and all that. But ever since the bloody Primordial Tree fight I can't muster any of my past rantings. Still, she should have understood by now. I kept saying things. Maybe SOMEONE on this God-forsaken mission will have the strength to carry this? And maybe guide the rest of us fools? I don't know. I'm just spewing Balan-fueled nonsense. Or maybe not. I can't tell. And I'm worried. I can't tell if the demon is influencing me or not. Soon, I'll kill someone....!? I really consider tying my hands together at night. But then how would I dress Lullaby and help her down the bed? If no one comes to wake her up, she'll just lie there in bed, eyes open and helpless.... I can't do this to her! Fine, I won't tie my hands together. I already cleared the room of any sharp objects. God protect her. Because I fear I won't...   Ish, incoherent me. This whole journal's a mess. I will go back to the story. So Nixie is kind of flustered about everything, Verfi herself is not the happiest eel in the pond, and certainly the crew have many things left to digest. Tallion seems fine, but now he's trying to lift some spirits up and to me it's just annoying. Sorry, Tallion. Not your fault. I just can't stand anything right now. Hah. I said I need someone to give me hope? Well maybe I was lying. I don't need anything. I can just bury my miserable gold coin and go cry in a corner, like I did just an hour ago or so!   Anywhoo, we had to take a rocket down on Aviriath. But first we were supposed to wait for the night, for some reason. I suspected they were preparing our welcome, which was... weird. But... so be it. We went back into the chest and everyone tended to their own business. We had a discussion on what present we should buy for Nixie, actually, because her birthday is coming up on the 11th of November. Drenizek and the crew were already preparing something, and Verfy was quite upset we weren't included, but they offered to share, they were just a little... shy? to bring a gift together with us, since they were just the crewmates. I guess Drenizek can be quite thick sometimes, hah. But even Vas was on board with this weird notion! Poor them, they actually think of us so highly so as to put us on some pedestal? I mean they can do that with the rest of them, but then count me in as a crewmate, please. Though, I do believe there was another subconscious reason at play here, which I will not delve further into. There are few not yet hit by Axe-Eve and I really wish to preserve the little that is left of my dignity. Especially since my potential for horrible thoughts and words.... ah to hell with it I already have them, just because I don't write them doesn't mean they're not here! Well, at least I can cover them..   Any'whoms't'ven't, we decided on three gifts: one from the crew, one from the rest of us and one from everyone. We would make her a captain's hat with various symbols on it. I personally am nervous to make or buy any piece of clothing or fashion for Nixie, because she has very specific tastes and I wouldn't want to ruin her aesthetic, since I'm a bumbling drab who only wears curtain covers. As for the "us" gift, it was going to be a weapon, of course. Arming Nixie sounds like fun, and I'm sure she would appreciate. She really is a dangerous woman, I'm not sure people get that.   That evening, I resumed my light-training and I tried to help Lullaby with, well, everything. It really puts things into perspective, when you take care of a person like Lullaby, who has to depend entirely on you. When it's a small child, you get this degree of separation. "This is not me, I'm a big human". But seeing Lullaby makes you think how vulnerable and weak we all are, at all points. I think actually that she's very strong, but it's complicated. In any case, I was tucking her into bed when Bart came to me.   I didn't want to let him in.... I was afraid. That room was my safe space. Here, I have Lullaby and you, false fiendish friend called journal. I can rant my anger in you and resume being there for Lullaby. It's a place where at least I can, to some degree, control my madness. He came crashing into it bringing with it everything that makes me the worst being ever.   I was expect... haha, hear this dear journal, he came to talk to me about his GOD FORSAKEN STUPID TRAINING ON THE STUPID PLANE OF STUPID WILL. Yes, yes, that's what I wanted to know, how Damaschini and him have these issues in understanding.......... the planes of reality. Great. We are in the middle of a hostile dimension, seeking to stop the destruction of the World, we have demons on our shoulders and in our souls and I haven't felt his touch in like 1 million years... and he comes and speaks about things that make me feel so far away....... I was looking at him, and felt an urge to just cry. I had the worst flashback I've ever had in my life... I can see it vividly. The damned beach off the edge of Gessen. In the middle of the night. Tallion talking, and me feeling somewhere, far away. That urge to just have him kiss me already, but no, he would just say hurtful things....   Bart wouldn't say hurtful things, but he kept going on these topics that... I don't know. I felt I had nothing to talk to him about......... What a feeling it is, you know.... No...   * smudge*   Sorry, I smudged you again.... I can't! No! Can't write about this damned day! He would leave, after realising there was literally nothing we COULD talk about. I had secretly hoped for him to come, all right!? I admit! I'm an egotistical idiot! I wanted him to come and caress me and talk to me and make me feel the love I bear for him, but when he DID come.............. Nothing! Nothing happened! I felt empty, and confused, and this sudden emptiness hit me, like you would pull the rug beneath someone's feet. I lost balance and crashed. Is there nothing left!? No, can't be... Please..... Am I that bad!? There' no one else to blame. It's not Bart's fault, poor guy. He just has no reason to love me anymore. And I... What am I doing? Can I be so weak? I felt... nothing. Empty.   I had to go cry in Lullaby's arms, as if they could ever wrap around me and comfort me. Somehow, still, it was a little comforting. At least Lullaby can't reject me... She's the only person that will stay by my side, because she has no choice, hah! What if I run away. I just take Lullaby and we go roam the Orshag. I would get caught in two seconds... And Lullaby would die. I can't. But I can't stay here, I'm too ashamed.... Why do these walls have doors!? I hate doors! I'm going to block them. I need thicker walls. I will try to find a room even further back this stupid palace. I want something beneath the Earth, 3 dimensional pockets away from this place....   Kill all the joy that I could ever find, will you? Kill everything. No, not you, Balan! Me! Me! Only me! Me! Me! ME! ME!! My revolt is stupid. Everything I said here is stupid. It's not God that is cruel. It's not the world that makes no sense.... No... I see it clearly now. The world is good as it is. There is hope. Just not for me. Because I'M THE BROKEN ONE. I can hear it in my head. I can hear it screeching in my brain. That cry. The last thing Lullaby said, before she went dead silent. Ah I can't stop feeling . . .   *smudge*   * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   Hello. Long time no see. Several days later, here I am, making the same mistake of writing in you again. Careful not to let anyone see it. We are in a prison, you see, all of us. Well, Vas and Marc can't read, so I positioned myself between them. I keep Lullaby in front of me, so I can watch over her. How did we get in a prison? Haha, long story... But yeah, it was quite the ride..   I decided on the quote for the whole journal entry, which is going to make more sense once I get to the end. In any case, resuming my ranting.... I had the worst night of my life, that night. I cried the entire night. I tried sleeping, but I dreamt I was crying. I dreamt Bart would throw me off a cliff and then I would climb back only to shout at him and to start crying. And I woke up really not in the mood for anything. I took Lullaby's food and some for me and got back in the room. Unfortunately, we had to leave for the Orshag..... I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. I was NOT in the mood to talk. Fortunately, they mostly avoided me as well. I focused on protecting Lullaby from these weird Orshag guys. I don't know, I felt uneasy the whole way down on Aviriath.   When we reached it, Alidag led the way on some sort of platform, from where we had to climb some steps. What awaited us was the most show-stopping view I'd seen yet. A long pathway made of white stone, flanked each 100 meters by long, curved poles. To the right and to the left was the capital city of Khartaan, but near the wide walk they had built some huge stands, decorating them with hundreds of Orshag flags. On the stands, as well as on the edges of the pathway and in the surrounding area.... tenths of thousands of soldiers and onlookers. We watched it all in shock, from behind our near-invisible bubble surrounding our heads and protecting us from the poisonous air around. These people were chanting war songs and shouting "Glory to the Orshag, Glory to the Dominor" or something like that. They were so many, so cadenced.... So.... I felt scared. And appalled. We were supposed to be secret...? Oh well, now we were CLEARLY going to be weapons for the Orshag. Some may say predictable. I just think that, at this point, we just roll with whatever people expect us to do...   The spectacle was intimidating, not in the least because of huge screens which showed us walking about... We had these big Orshag Stoa guards (some elite mutant soldiers) marching behind us. I was reminded of those walks of triumph some nations do when they parade their captives, or the spoils of war. It's like we were some treasure stolen from an enemy camp. Hah.   In any case, we arrived in front of this big castle, well palace, well, building. It was far larger than any construction I have seen in our world. But to all its size, it was kind of ugly, and empty on the inside. We got to see a lot more Orshag Stoa, before being presented in the middle of a huge assembly, presided by the Dominor himself. This Dominor is the leader of the Orshag. He made a flashy entry, as if to showcase his prowess. It seems the Orshag value personal prowess, both physical and mental. They respect power, in any form, but power. Oh well. Cute allies.   The Dominor announced that the Orshag would now crush the Commonwealth, given that they had us, the people from other worlds... It was obvious that they were planning to use us for an invasion plan. After a short speech, he told us to wait a little before having a meeting with him. We barely had time to see our new quarters before we were called in a high chamber, with a glass dome as its ceiling. It was quite a nice room, to be honest, and the Dominor proved to be a shockingly respectable fellow. Especially since Nixie and Verfy and Tallion and even Bart to some extent care not for any protocol or order of speech, and they did interrupt him a bunch of times. I could see the other four generals who were there drop a sweat, haah. But basically the Dominor was presented with the story of how we wound up there, what we were after and what was going to happen to the world. He believed us, strangely enough, and looked as if he was worried by this new enemy. He was very pragmatic in his approach and wanted concrete data on how to combat Xantinya, which was nice enough, but... That's our problem, too. Conventional war logic doesn't work on her. Nixie tried to explain it to him but I think it just sounded like we couldn't make a proper description of Xantinya's powers, because the Dominor would then request a list of her abilities.   In the end, we were to give the Orshag a lot of info: Xantinya's powers, info on arcane and magic, info on the planes of reality and their manipulation. In exchange, the Orshag would... help us stop Xantinya? It was unclear. What was clear was that now we were "allies". More correctly, assets of the Orshag.   I was tired. Tired of being a shadow in these things. I didn't feel capable of getting involved, I know. That just made me more tired. Sometimes I think I should excuse myself from these events. Stay in the background more. Anywhoo, that night was going to be a harsh one, too, but then Bart came again. I felt the urge to stop him from entering, knowing full well how it would end up, but he seemed determined to enter, and I couldn't refuse him. That was a good sign on my part, but still, I was afraid of more bland conversation that would make me think I had lost all I had.   Sure thing, it began weirdly. Bart had caught me combing Lullaby's hair. She has beautiful hair, and no one cared for it till now, so I had decided to mend that. Bart asked me if I wanted to make her bangs or something. Why would I ever want to do that. It would just imprison her gorgeous wavy blonde locks hihi. But then Bart wanted his own hair braided, so oh well let's do that then. I love Bart's hair, so that was a... mildly better time for me. Plus, I got to touch his hair. Which was... I think the first time in a long time. Bart told me about a fight with Nixie. It seems he didn't know what to do so he came to me... And I wanted to cut his damn hair off. Bastard. He came all this way for that? Remember last night? Are all men obtuse oafs!?!? I'm starting to think I was way too harsh on Tallion. He was not the oafish exception. He was the oaf-rule. I mean, how can you pick up a conversation from the wretched disaster it was in last time out by starting on a topic like "Nixie and Verfy were scared of my POWERS". Again, the powers thing!? The inter-dimensional ughghhghghggh I was so furious. Still am. I want to help Bart, whenever I calm down... But I didn't feel like discussing Nixie or Verfy or POWERS. I wanted to... well, I just wanted us. Because that's what was wrong the last time out, right? Am I too selfish? Probably am. Bart had a serious issue, he was conflicted and needed my aid, and I rejected him like the sad petty whore I am. He looks at me for advice because he cares about my opinion, and needs it, and I can't see it. I could actually help him, but oh no I choose to be stubborn egocentric and idiotic! Suits me! Oh well!   I must've had the same emotional process back then because I backpedaled on my anger and tried to help him, I explained to him the conversation was nevertheless hurting me, but he didn't seem to want to stop right away. He wanted me to tell him what I was thinking. Why? What kind of idea is this... I'm trying to avoid this?   I had to tell him something. So I started blurting out some nonsense. Well, not nonsense, but Axe-Eve stuff. I guess. I don't know. I told him about that last night. Ugh, fine. I told him that at some point I wondered whether I still loved him. Did I tell him that, or was it just my mind.... I was so afraid... I trembled like a leaf. I surely told him I pondered on whether I should be with him, or whether it would not be better to ... be with Nixie? Ha. Hahahahhahahaa. Brain funny. Brain dead.   Can you imagine the climax of our boat journey, in my idiotic head, is whether I should make a life-altering back-flip concerning.... whom I should be with!?!? WHILE THE WORLD IS DYING!? What is wrong with me!? And, leaving the pathetic nature of it all aside.... Why would I EVER think about leaving Bart!? What in the name of the 1 Hell and 9 smaller duller Hells called dimensions am I on about? I started crying and I started cutting my own hair with a pair of scissors. Ah I brought sharp objects in the room! When?! How!? Why!??! I thought about that later, but yeah... Bart stopped me and held me tight and hugged me. I told him I had lost him. He was funny about it, almost made me smile. But... In all honesty.... I don't know what he felt. What he thinks about it. I still don't know whether I truly lost him. The hug, it felt like everything was fine, but... was it!?   I must say, my obsessive nature has finally reached its paroxistic culmination. I am almost proud... Nixie has no idea. Or does she? In any case, I think that's why Bart was upset at her. Well now I don't think I helped things in any way..... Am I that stupid...? I can't lose Bart. At least I felt then that I still love him with all my heart, in spite of my stupidity. Obviously those doubts and thoughts I had were miserable monstrosities, but I can't deny their existence..... I wish I could, but I can't, bloody damnit! And maybe other people sometimes have them (though I doubt it), but no one would ever find out. Some thoughts should NEVER be known! But... I am an open book, and everyone can read at leisure. Maybe I should actually give my journal to whoever wants to read. It's only fair. They can read whatever I write on my face or just ask me. Eve is dumb, Eve will tell them.   Needless to say I felt like garbage for the remainder of our stay in the Orshag. I could write some more about our stay, about the captain's hat and so on, but.... I really have nothing to say. Really nothing. As for why we're in prison, well...   Last night (I think it was last night, I don't know what today is) I was talking to Damaschini on the balcony of our palace quarters, asking him about his progress on the whole star essence bottle thingie. As we were talking, we both saw something on the horizon, somewhere far into a still industrial quarter of the capital: a flare-like explosion of blackfire. Damaschini simply threw himself off the ledger and started flying towards it. I was so surprised I turned back to tell the others. Damaschini said he was going to fulfill his promise. Huh? Confused, I told the others. Tallion seemed to know what it was about. The blackfire flare could only mean one thing: Miyun.   Verfy said we should follow him, so we rushed in his pursuit, aided by some ORshag Stoa who were supposed to guard us. We took a car and coursed through the capital following the flying erlagon, till we reached the industrial district. It was eerily quiet in there, only some sound from steam escaping valves, and the occasional guzzling of liquids in pipes. High atop a metal girder, surrounding some kind of pole which had its top on fire, we saw a figure. It had slightly glowing yellow eyes. Damaschini stopped before the girder and wanted to go up in the air to the figure, but Miyun - because it was her - climbed down.   I had seen her before, back then, in that cursed day... Her eyes had been like the eyes of a lion stalking its prey. Now, they were different. Beneath those unsettling long eyebrows, in the yellow of her eye, I saw a soul. But a soul consumed by anger. Miyun had come for Damaschini. But not to reunite with him. She had come to kill him. Or rather, I suspect, she was let loose.   She drew her scythes, monstrous intermingling of blackfire and xenatine. When I saw the amount of xenatine on those weapons.... I gulped. It was.... no, not inhumane.... it was downright devilish, and yes, I know it's Xantinya's work, but even .... How.... why would you ever do that to a child!? Beyond the xenatine, though, I sensed real anger, real fear, real pain. The xenatine just amplified it a hundred fold. Miyun faced Damaschini with a trembling voice. She blamed him for the death of their friends, and she said he abandoned her. In all honesty, he kind of did leave her to her fate... No child should ever go through what Miyun went through. I wanted to help in any way, but... I was paralyzed. I am still amazed I reacted when I did. Miyun went on to dismiss Damaschini as her father. She then said the coldest thing I ever heard. "You are nothing. You are prey, and I'm the huntress".   She then clashed her scythes between each other, and wide purple ethereal wings, like that of Damaschini, emerged from her back, and she could fly. And she flew past Damaschini and tried to stab him with both scythes, but Damaschini stopped her blows. He tried to calm her down, but she then released a wave of arcane from one of her scythes. I saw the Xenatine dancing freely between the scythes and Miyun, burning her entire body. I was motionless. In some twisted way, I was ready to let Damaschini die. I knew Miyun could obliterate him and all of us. That much Xenatine, in the hands of someone who could wield it... Thankfully - weird to say that, but still - Miyun wasn't strong enough. When she did attack with both scythes again, Damaschini just turned round to face her, without resisting. The scythes sunk in his body, slashing through his armor, and I saw a burst of arcane course through both their bodies. Miyun was projected away, scythes still stuck in Damaschini's body, and a huge bolt of purple arcane burst through Damaschini and exited behind him, making him kneel. The shockwave almost made us all fall. I had finally awoken and rushed to heal Damaschini. My touch almost reached him, but somehow I managed to heal him even without directly making contact, thanks in no small part to all that disturbance from the Xenatine. But the downside was that I felt it, and felt corrupted. I took a step behind and tried to cover Lullaby. Miyun would continue to try to attack Damaschini. She grabbed one of the scythes, which Damaschini had thrown, and attacked him. She even tried to shoot Tallion with an electric gun, and that's when everyone started shooting at her. I was afraid her instincts would kick in and she would start killing us all, but - again weird to say it - thankfully she was too consumed by the Xenatine to think in any way. She was more or less becoming an unwilling vessel of unfettered hate. See how the quote fits? I felt my own monstrosity in that Xenatine-driven fury of hers. She would attack Damaschini, then she attacked Tallion but Verfy threw him away while Bart moved the ground itself to make Miyun fall. Miyun jumped over Tallion, though, because at this point her powers were beyond incredible, and she was driven by the Xenatine to simply attack anything. So, if Tallion was out of bounds, she would slash at whoever came next. That was me.   Behind me was Lullaby, so I would not budge. I braced for the impact and tried to keep myself together. She slashed her scythe across my body, from hip to shoulder, but alas, I managed to avoid her piercing too deep. Still, the xenatine burst within me, and I almost fell. I managed to hold my body up, to cover Lullaby, but.... The wound did not bleed as much as it screamed. I felt it, the hate, the fury, the pain, the love that was lost, everything, all at once, hitting me. Anguish, all in all, anguish of an incredible intensity. That bloody xenatine had it all. I knew these feelings already, God damnit, so it hit even harder. Nixie managed to conjure up a spell, freezing Miyun in place, and Damaschini finally caught her, broke her scythe and hugged her, but the poor girl collapsed and started spewing blackened blood. The xenatine after-effect was now in full force, consuming her lifeforce and corrupting her body. You see, the body always follows the soul, and the Xenatine had done damage to the latter, so now it was damaging the former in full force.   That's when the Commonwealth caught us. They were waiting, hah, the bastards. Obviously, they had brought Miyun here. I mean, Miyun probably was caught in Bethle or something, when she entered xy. And somehow she decided to lead them to us, so she could find Damaschini. The commonwealth would therefore be able to lure us in a place where they could take us down. Pretty neat. Oh, the leader of these Commonwealth goons is toilet girl! Turns out she faked her death. I did not know what to say to Nixie... I felt bad. I saw her fluster turn to bitterness and hate. I can understand why....   But the bastards did not know what horrible things they were doing... To use Miyun's story like this... Myeah. Now we are their prisoners, God knows where, far away from our mission, from our goals, from any friends we may have.... Miyun is still unwell, still aching, still unconscious. The xenatine is ravaging her poor body. Damaschini stopped her from completely destroying herself and us, but... the damage was done by that point. The pain she feels is deep. I felt it when she slashed me. She must've loved Damaschini and the rest a lot. I don't care what they say about her being half-animal or something. She was more human than we may want to think.   I believe that Circeks are human in some way, though. Otherwise this would not make sense. In any case, I would not wish it upon my worst enemy to feel as abandoned as Miyun feels. I hope she will heal. But... I think it will take a lot of time....   Until then, we should get out of here, perhaps, you know, save the world instead of writing bad journals? Hah, hear that, save the world. I just want to hide in some hole. I am that bad. Ugh, focus, Eve! Do your part! Lullaby does. She somehow still interacts with the world, it seems. When these idiots tried to carry her to her prison (she wouldn't move), some weird thing happened, where they stopped for a second. I felt it too, like an invisible cloud hitting you, gently, but still, a nudge, a weird nudge. Her spirit is somehow defending itself even without it knowing what is going on. Eve, you must do your part, good-for-nothing-whore! Maybe there's something I could do, too....   May the Almighty protect us all, and save Miyun.

"if fighting Evil is tempering and cooling the Sword, It can still break if made with the wrong iron" - a Torasian monk whose name I forgot   Hello dear journal it's me the sleepless Demon-infested Nutcase-Potato! I am very, very, tired, yet I did sleep a lot these last days. Maybe the demon is exhausting? I don't know. I fear my dreams, quite a lot.. A few days ago I dreamt I was strangling poor Lullaby with my own two hands, and I woke up absolutely horrified. I wasn't sleeping by her side, as usual, because we had to sleep in some tiny box-like rooms with just one bed and enough space to just crawl onto it.... Inhumane. But there you go.   To go back, dear journal I hate and.... ahahhaha I can't stop writing the word hate is it from the demon? I keep thinking about the demon every time I write everything, every time I talk, every time I think... I don't even think he instills so much in me any more, I do most of the damage myself. Oh I am very mad at the girls and everyone for thinking that "the demon talks for me" or something like that. It's not Eve, Eve wouldn't say this. Eve is too kind, she's a lil' poppy wee so cute so nice so cheeky.   Wrong!   Dead wrong! I am a monster. I am the one saying all of it. I'm the one thinking it. Yes, maybe the demon induces me, or encourages me, or lights the kindling. But I am the one thinking and talking, I can't be excused, I shall not be excused! I am 99% guilty. No, 100%, screw that. If these walls could talk, they would say "Hyan!" "Hyan!" "Hyan!". Ughghhggh I'm going insane, like really insane. I need some kind of safety net, a place I could go back to and regroup, rethink, re-become myself. I try to distance myself from everyone, to avoid further harm, I hate doing it sometimes I wish I'd do the opposite, sometimes i want to avoid them because I want to get rid of them. I don't have the right to have these thoughts, one thousand demons on me may be, I still don't have the right.   I don't like any of the feelings that invade me every day during daytime when we try out new stuff to train for or discuss with various weird organisations here in xy. I'm tired, I'm tired of thinking in a way of thinking I've betrayed already, which is wrong and hahaha fine let him have this one I am tired because we are all wrong! All are wrong and will be dead hihi hehe.   Did your fun? I can write this as I can write that, I can write both ways. Like the sword cuts both ways. I'm mad. And tired. So here goes... I'm gonna try to make sense of what happened the past 3 weeks.   We were mostly hanging out inside the Kataria palace, trying to figure out what to do next. It seems we were supposed to meet up with some strange organization that might have an interest in talking to and maybe helping us, unauthorized mutations as we were. I didn't know how to help, to be honest. I just wanted to keep my distance, anyway, but, more than that, I felt that I had no valuable contribution to make. Nothing here makes me think or feel, it's just... devoid. Maybe I'm beginning to be too much entangled with my own thoughts, to the point I can't see anything outside. I was afraid of that. I'm always pretty good at closing up to the outside world, I had pretty good practice back in my famous waiting year. But now I have a friend banging at the gates of my sanity, so it's not pretty anymore. Also, I've actually been a social person for the biggest part of my life. I just don't like idiots, and I happened to be surrounded by quite a few. But now I'm surrounded by people I respect. It feels a little bad to not be able to help them.   I don't like xy, too. It's... it's not the dimension itself, or even its people. I kind of love the aesthetic of it, actually. It's very... clear. And huge, and diverse, and dynamic. But... It's a huge mechanism and we are like a grain of sand stuck in between these kinks. We either break the machine or disappear in it forever, without changing anything. Depends on how the machine is built, and this one looks sturdy enough. We are lost in the middle of this maelstrom. We are supposed to stop Xantinya, but we get lost in dealings with various people we know nothing of. We don't have time to figure it out, and I can see we are losing our path, which we so barely started to draw in front of us...   Before they left to speak with the bartender and stuff, they once again expressed their worry that I can't handle this on my own. I already told them it doesn't matter if someone else stays with me, it'll just hurt them too! Why are they so obtuse with this? Ugh!!! It's like speaking to walls. Which I kinda do now anyway. There you go, nutty but still witty, haha.   Nixie actually said something which hurt me. I can't remember exactly what she said, but I vividly feel what impression she left me. That I waste away taking care of Lullaby, like it's some kind of monstrous thing to do, like I'd been sent to clean up the gutters. Someone has to do it, but it doesn't have to be you, sweetie! Oh, to hell with that! Do you only care for something when it's easy to do!? Do you have no interest in sacrificing anything for anyone, just for ideas, like these xy goons who only talk big words about death and life but live each day like they are little kinks in the machine, neither thinking of or doing anything for the life and death around them, for the lives and deaths of souls surrounding them?   Sorry, I get carried away. A wizard should definitely analyse me. Not you, Tallion, I'm no queen. But someone really should. I'm an interesting specimen. It's not fair to Nixie, no matter how much I wanna get back at her for her slapping Lullaby back then, which funnily enough I replicated some days ago when I had my hissy fit, maybe exactly because that's what Nixie had done. God, revenge goes in so many funny directions. Funny if people hadn't been involved... But, let's face it, it's almost comedic sometimes.   I know she sacrifices a lot. I admired her for her determination to stay in xy instead of returning to help her home. It took some big guts. Of course, she's always been capable of these big sacrifices. But what about more individual ones, which may be more annoying to make? She cared for Drenizek when he was sick, she took him in and stayed with him all day long and all night long. Then... Why can't she realise I do the same for Lullaby? Why can't she feel this is not a burden? I don't know, I felt angry then, but now that I calmed down, I'm just a little sad. Nixie probably said nothing wrong. It's my brain that's wrong. I feel that they are already separating me. They want the fun poppy Eve who came with them to their adventures, so they hate that I stay with Lullaby. Well, I made a promise. I want to stay with them too, but right now I'm needed elsewhere. I don't want them to see that as a burden and I don't want them to see that as a different Eve.   Come to think of it, they probably imagined me to be the arrogant sarcastic damsel I presented myself to be back in Ionolia. Which I actually was. I guess I changed, too. Not sure I would've had the patience to... oh wait, I did wait for Tallion that whole year. It does make sense. Maybe I'm just insufferable in general, and only Lullaby, who can't feel or understand what's going on, can hang out with me. Even the thought of this makes me so angry I want to throw a fit at someone. Screw you, journal! Serves you right for being the only one here I can throw my anger on.   As bad as I am, so far I have done nothing against Lullaby since that slap. Pfft, so righteous and strong, Eve! You've done nothing to the poor girl since you almost slapped her face off! Model-girl. Elder Aosthen taught me well, to nurture the life I see everywhere! Heheheehehhe. I was always a teacher's favourite. Then again, my teacher was dad, and I was his only student.   So they went to have adventures outside the chest. Turns out they talked to a guy from a "faction" called Alidag. You see, dear journal, Factions are these big multi-country things that rule over not one, not several, but a whole bunch of planets rotating around different stars. Yes, it turns out planets rotate around stars. I read about these funny Gavan theories that Earth moves around the sun. The Ionolian mages disavowed them and considered that the Sun rotates around the Earth, as was said by an old First Empire philosopher. The Temple in Marion was actually quite against the Gavan theory because the Gavans who espoused it were Sun-worshippers. And Sun-worshipping, as old and obsolete as may sound, is actually still alive in many places. Think of the Goznian concept of the Sun-Queen. Or the lore of the Soldinians, who considered the Sun to be an Angel of the Higher Circles. Man always tries to find a tangible thing to worship. God is too abstract, so He seems distant. And the big yellow shiny thing up in the sky that makes you and what you eat... you know, be alive... it makes sense to turn to that.   See, journal, I am even more Ionolian than you thought. I only talk about Sun and religion and random peoples that don't even exist anymore. Of course people find me boring! Can you imagine Bart ever feeling better after coming to talk to me? Hey, Bart, what's up? Hey, I'm sad. No problem, I can cheer you up! Don't you know that the Soldinians used to think...? And then, proceed with the snore-fest. Hm. At least I could make Bart sleep tight after a long day.   Maybe Bart would like me better if I talked less. I was seriously considering sewing my mouth shut with some stiches the other day. I'm joking, journal! Or am I. Haha. Is this the demon's idea? Or mine. Guess we'll never know!   Going back to the story, they succeeded to have this Alidag help us. Well, actually Alidag was very happy to help us, they barely had to add anything. He's a Nastaim serving the Orshag faction, which fights the Commonwealth. I didn't like the sound of that, one bit, and Kelly seemed to share my feelings. We're starting to veer off from our thing and get into xy politics. The Orshag seems to be happy to have found an out-of-universe force they can use in their struggle. We are some kind of prophecy gone right for them, though Alidag said he doesn't believe in prophecies.   We also needed to wait for some other xy-ans who might be offering us a deal. Oh, and Verfy and Nixie and Kelly had this talk with a Burk explorer who might have wanted to help us, but he seemed like a busy guy. It would take two weeks just for him to know whether he could help. And, since we had little time ourselves, we decided to go wtih the Orshag guy, but not before we listened to the next guys as well.   Since everyone was back in the chest, we could use some time for ourselves. Nixie paid Lullaby and I a visit, and suggested finding something to do which would help me express my feelings, so that I won't feel too bottled up every time. I told her about my fear for hurting Lullaby and of course my fear of hurting them. But, then again, I have a solution for them. Stay away. With Lullaby... it's impossible. Nixie tried to cheer me up, so she even tried to stand in her hands, which she did with great Elvish agility. I tried to imitate her and replicated the move perfectly with my Sylphlike grace, so naturally I fell like the potato I am, so hard I made a drawer collapse all over me, not before having Verfy save me only to get her leg squashed beneath the same falling drawer... Yea, I told you I'm dangerous! Sometimes it's just my stupidity that's at fault... Sorry, Verfy... Nixie's painting idea was actually very good, still, so I decided to try it. I found some materials which can be used to paint, and started working.   I had a nice little thought: Why do you have to paint something and ruin it, Eve, when you can paint your own ugly face? So I started working on my new creation. I mixed some dyes, but only got black and red with every attempt. Oh, well, Balan will appreciate, at least. So I started throwing colours on my face. But I wanted them to be lines, like I was whipped, so I can pretend to be even more deranged than I actually am! Think what faces the others would make! Hehe. That way they would really start thinking about putting me out of my misery. Not that they don't ponder on that every time they see me.   I worked on some interesting project lately. You see, I've had a very interesting discussion with Damaschini, about his bottle. He has a bottle with star essence, but it's all grey and mixed up. In our world, it was separate, a bright part, and a dark part. It was affected by demons, and it came to represent his own soul, in a way. A duality, both good and evil. In the spirit dimension, the separation was even stronger. But in xy, there was no separation. However, the good and the bad were not diluted. Elements of good and of bad lived together, side by side, mixed but not diluted one into the other. The grey was not made of grey droplets, but of white and black droplets all mixed up, so to the eye it looks like grey.   Fitting, I had to remark. I didn't tell Damaschini, but his attitude towards the evil and good in his soul sounded a bit... childish. For a while I even wanted to tell him maybe grey suited him better. But I just wanted to take revenge on him for the way he made Nerissa feel. I didn't even know Nerissa but I guess that's how my brain works now. Or, rather, revenge is in all of us, but we have a shield protecting us from exacting it at all times. We have a likeness to God in all of us, so we have an urge to be judges and condemn, when of course we neither know the law nor do we know how to condemn. Horrible things, humans. And conscious beings in general. Bleah.   Going back to Damaschini, his view is a little simplistic. Good and Evil in us aren't really separated like in the spirit dimension, rather the xy variant seems more accurate. Good and Evil are separate in their core, but mix up in the bigger picture in many things, so we can't really discern that well all the time. That's why many good things also have Evil sides. Does that make them Evil, though? Or just.. grey? What is grey, though? It doesn't exist. We have good and evil, no "grey" in here. But we have proportions, too. Let's say something is 80% good. Does that make it good, still, or just good-evil? Are good-evil things better than evil ones? They should be. But they are not good, either. You see, that's why I hate this world the Almighty built! If you're supposed to be good, but good can't exist in 100%, you just allow good-evil to exist! But Good-Evil is never enough!!!!   Maybe it's my brain that's too childish right now. Of course there's good and evil separate, like in the spirit dimension. Love is good. But our motivations and trappings for love can have a grey tone. That's because we are made of good and evil, and everything we feel and think brings a bit of both. But the values of the world are good. So, Good exists, but the concrete displays get grey tones, because we mix a bit of evil too. or more. Hm. So Damaschini's bottle was a good point. Still, to be able to take clear and poignant decisions, to be able to rise, you need to separate them, right?   At the time maybe I didn't think all this, but that's because I reached my conclusion earlier. That is, I rushed into it. It's not about separating! It's about defining. You see, dear journal who somehow doesn't get burned, hah I wrote who like you're a person, so, you see, Damaschini wanted to get the essences to be separate again. But back home that was done because of magical powers, which obviously worked to separate good essences from the evil. In the spirit dimension, the same mechanism worked, only with spirit, so obviously it was even more effective. But here, death has nothing to do with this separation. Death comes to level, not dissociate. So we needed something intrinsic to work on the bottle. And I thought of the dilemma of defining.   I know little about Light, but I do know that the essence of the teachings on Light is that Good is to be defined to be strengthened. A lot of people reinforce their Good by countering Evil. Damaschini was obsessed with this. He was obsessed by fighting. I swear I see now why he helped the Fastodans. The problem is that his fighting got him to where he is now. He was defeated and he lost those whom he deemed friends. He lost both the fight and his friends. And, to some extent, he lost himself.   Thinking about that, I remembered that old Torasian saying I used as my motto. I botched it, for sure, but the point was that when you fight Evil, you need to make sure the Good you espouse is strong in and of itself. People learn by comparison, but Good shouldn't be learned or perfected by comparison with Evil. The Sword is your soul, the Good in it is the quality of the steel. You may temper the steel by making contact with Evil, but no matter how much you try to test and strengthen your steel with experience, if it was never the good quality to begin with... it's useless.   You need to define the Good in you. Go back to the essence of it. Find the drive within you to create Good and make Good flourish. These inner trappings are hard to find and keep. Damaschini had nothing left but his fight. I told him to look for these inner links to Good. I told him about love. I don't know, I'm not a model. That's true. Balan knows, haha. But I think I am right. I don't really fight Balan. I actually fraternize with the bastard. What I do is that I espouse all the love I can muster to help Lullaby. I know it's basically useless. I'm not stopping BAlan, or chasing him away. I'm certainly not helping Lullaby. I mean, all she needs is for someone to help her eat and get dressed and so on. I do more. Which is useless. But... Somehow... It's good. Because it literally is Good.   I tried to explain something like this to Damaschini. But after he left, I started thinking about it for myself. Maybe that's a way I can help them. I have been for too long now a poppy idiot with no power. While they became so strong. Look at Bart! So I thought to practice what I preach. If Light is about defining Good, I can use these discoveries about myself to... create. Instead of using magical essence guided by will to make a spell, or let myself a willful instrument for a higher power (which I'm sure I can't do anymore anyway), I would define arcanic power, with no particular desire in mind.   I tried this daily, since then. It's almost impossible, because of the demon, but also because of this sleepy plane of magic. Wake up! I mean, it's sleepy because you know we're not in its home dimension, you get it. But I was able to feel something completely new. A kind of power which does not feel like normal magic. It's much gentler and more subtle. It's still magic, but it's not tainted by will, so it's much more versatile. It's still my magic, it's not real Light, but then again, I don't even want to dare dream about performing any sort of miracles. Plus, most of the Light they teach in Usa-Laominis is basically just this. It's not like they can teach you miracle-making. Do they? I never truly knew, to be honest. The few who do go to the very advanced Light lessons and/or get the famous red sash in Light do seem like miracle-workers. So, maybe those do.   In any case, I hope I helped Damaschini, if only a bit. I'll check up on him later to see if I can help some more. He feels lonely, and I don't want him to keep feeling that. It's not a nice thing to feel, at all. And Damaschini wasn't the only one feeling down. A day or so later, we had a discussion with Verfy on how she feels guilty that she doesn't feel regret when others suffer and/or die for the sake of the rest of us. It's not that she doesn't respect their choice, or that she doesn't understand they do this willingly and gladly, that all of us put their trust in what the others are doing, and then do the most they can to aid, as Drenizek put it. It's that she thinks she's not doing enough, and that she feels no urge to do more, or at least stop the rest from doing it. Which is bollocks. But that's hard to explain to Verfy. She's set an impossible standard... Also she thinks we do more than we actually do. I still think she saves us all, and she put her life on the line with little to expect other than death, and never, NEVER got salty over it. Remember her dash through mice in the Vazakis mines, or her fight in the Desolation, or her attacking Xixi's aggressors. I can continue the list, point is she's great. I know she lost people before, she never talks about it, and unlike Nixie I don't feel comfortable asking, because I don't feel I have the right to do so, even if I want to help... Oh, by the way, I was painted!! Hm, oh, and since Verfy tried to push the discussion towards me, I had my first taste of Axe Eve vs. Bart... Scary. I made sure never to put myself in that situation. Nixie actually went over to give me a cheeky kiss on the cheek, which Axe-Eve loved. I must say. Sometimes Nixie just wants to watch the world burn...   They talked to the next group of xy guys soon after. They come from a place called the Conduit, and they speak for the Chain, a construction made of 50 alive guys and 50 dead guys, each linked to partneres of an opposite... state of... life? I don't know how to say it. Wait what? Yea, 50 dead, 50 alive. How does that work? I don't know. No one asked.   These guys were also glad to help us, since we might mean something to their culture, too. I won't get into the details, but they believe in some sort of link between Life and Death which serves to organize existence in a linear fashion, but also a circular one. I think. That's what a chain is to me. A series of circles in a line. Or a line which can go in a circle, if you link the chain to itself. Semiotics.   We told the Conduit guys we'll be around, but haha we won't. Probably not yet. You see, we were going with the Orshag. I can already feel some consequences coming.   Some days later, we were ready to leave this planet, Bethle. Our destination: the Orshag's capital star sector: Tekkera Sul. Nicest name in xy, by the way. But how to get there in our... condition? Well, it seems that Alidag has prepared the road. We met him in the agreed-upon place (Agreed upon when they first talked to him) and he gave them watches with money and new identities. Say hi to Myrkis Nal from Nalba. I swear, it sounds like they just gave up on our identities. Haha. And Lullaby is Isqe Levet from a sector called Malai, hah! And I'm a "xenon purity inspector". If I hadn't known better, I'd think I test xenatine!   Once we got back in the bar the next day, the bartender subtly pointed at his cabinet before leaving, and we found weapons. Now we were ready to go to the Orshag. Well, weapons for those who could carry them. Unfortunately, my identity as a "xenon" stuff-doer inspector-er didn't help me get a weapon. Sad. We went out and for the first time in so long finally got up under the - real - sun! It felt so warm and friendly! Ah, I'm not turning into a Goznian, idiotic journal. I was just glad I could feel some real sunrays touch my potato-skin.   We went to their long-metal moving cars called trains and entered into one of them. We were supposed to go to a place called Tarrima Ne BroC which is translated as the Tarrima Square for Moving, which is funny, as I pointed out when Kelly told me. Maybe I'll learn Sari Newspeak, but it sounds way too boring a language for me, to be honest. Who in the hell capitalizes the last letter of words in order to alter meaning? Boring people, that's who.   The train ride was beautiful, we got to se how big Vatan Armodar actually is. The skyscrapers just keep rising everywhere you look, and many go horizontally too, like a giant fence of glass and concrete buildings. I learned what concrete is, by the way. Boring, too. It's like smooth rock you can shape to your will. Actually it sounds like magic, not so boring anymore.   We went to the Square of Moving things, which is a huge park with a big square in the middle, where there were some huge metal girders and huge long cylindrical objects pointed at the sky just leaning on them. Well, they were vertical. They're called rockets. Oh boy, we were going to fly off into the stars. I feared that. I gulped. The distance to the sun was already a number that, once I've heard it from Kelly, sounded horrifying. And we had to go multiple suns away... And the suns - stars - are very far way from each other, not like the planets and the stars the rotate around. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.   But no, it was actually pretty fun. We got inside the rocket through some moving stairs. Inside there were several big rooms, on top of one another, filled with chairs. The chairs were all blue and pointed in the front and comfy. In the front there were two screens, one showing what was below us and one what was above us. Smart. When the rockets started moving to the sky, we could see how Vatan Armodar would get smaller and smaller and the sky would turn bluer than black....   When the rockets started, I felt my body sink into the chairs. Which were very very soft and cushy, just for that, I assume. It was also quite loud, but I later found out it could have been much louder. A continuous bellowing sound of an explosion. And the image below us was fire, pure fire, for more than half the ride.   But then in the other image we could see a weird T-shaped mega-structure just floating in the black space. It was the Evo-centre, a building built... in space! Just.. floating! Because it doesn't even have air around...? Yea, the fewer questions you pose, the more you feel like you can understand. At least that's how my moronic mind works. So, this big T-shaped structure had many lights blinking on it, red and yellow and blue and white... Quite a sight. The closer we got, the bigger it revealed itself to be. It did have a weird distortion at each end of the horizontal line of the T. Didn't figure out why at first. Hah.   Once the rocket, now no longer cylindrical (it lost part of it on the way, it seems that part had been filled with the fuel that got us there) landed in the T-thing, we got on a platform. But before, we were told to activate some big boots. They were heavy-ish, but not too cumbersome. We also had to wear a costume and a glass bubble. We had to breathe the air coming from inside some tubes in the costume, because as I said the T-thing had no air around it. It did have air IN it, thought, thank God! Kelly said she read that they "make" the air here, it's cheaper than to "import" it. Whaaaa!? Too many questions already in my head. These concepts are so far away from me it makes me physically sick to think about them.   So we waited on the platform to get used to the feeling there. You see, on in space you don't stick to the ground. The very notion of falling if you fly and of.. standing... they just blur. I didn't fully understand it, but it seems in space you just float, and we saw this quite well when Bart and Marc pushed a button in Xixi's metal boots that made them stop working. You see, those boots kept us on the ground. Once they were stopped, Xixi started floating around. She was NOT pleased. Especially since other people were looking at us suspiciously.   It was an insanely long platform, the rocket had been parked astride. On the other side there was a glass tunnel, and a train was moving in there with big speeds. We took it, and it went really fast through some corners. Uncomfortable, to be honest. We reached another long corridor, with doors here and there. Huge metal doors. Again we had to be checked, but our identities worked well. At these doors we saw people and even immense crates and chests getting in something. That, we found out, was the Evo Drive, the ship that would carry us around.   The Evo Drive was this really long ship, filled to the brim with rooms and corridors. Many rooms had chairs with screens, others were recreational: we had a place for various sports, even a place you could work out and train (you can bet it was used by our fighters), but also a garden, and in the middle of the ship a huge plaza, here the ceiling was high and there were many floors with balconies all around it. And basically a huge shopping area with many nice shops. Since the trip would last for days, we had a place to sleep too. In some parts of the ship there were these box-like rooms, just high enough for you to squeeze in and just wide enough for a bed to exist there. that was all. I felt trapped in a coffin there.... The low ceiling however had another screen on it and you could make it show a night sky, or other images that might help you sleep and stuff. Inhumane.... I hated it. Kelly seemed to like it, but I miss the real sky, the real moon. I also felt too far away from Lullaby, who had to sleep in a box like this just above me.   Where do you change in here? They have rooms for that, too, apparently. For a huge ship, they really decided to cheap out on the sleeping areas!? I didn't get it. Anyway, at the beginning we all entered the room with chairs and a screen right in front, showing what was above the ship. Space, basically, a beautiful dark sky filled with stars. There were smaller screens looking at the side, and I saw a section of the sky more brightly lit, with more stars clustering in there. I believe that's the center of the Galaxy, where the big Black Hole lies. You know, the one we have to get to....   When the Evo Drive started, we felt nothing. Nothing at all. But, by God, we saw. The sky, the stars... they disappeared in a myriad of black lines, as if we had been torn from space and time. Which we actually were. The lines started getting less chaotic and instead grouped in nine thick lines, parallel to each other, over a white void.... And I was shook. We were travelling so fast, so out of this world, that what could possibly be detected by these machines of theirs that capture the image of the world... was the 9 planes themselves... or rather, an abstractisation of them, somehow. I imagine the 9 planes don't exist as such, there aren't 9 "pie strata" or however Damaschini calls them. But, in abstract, there are. Heh. A very interesting thing.   Yes, we were travelling fast. Because, you see, we were travelling together with the planes themselves. This space and time existed somehwere else, but was bent to stay near the Evo center we had been to. Now we were travelling to the next Evo center, with the speed in which planes "retract" and get back to normal. Or at least tending towards that speed. Weird speed too. Multiply the speed of light by 12 times 12 done twelve times. What a perfectly convenient number. And these people don't believe in God! "Information", "Death", bullshit. Information is just an instrument, Death is just an instrument. Perfect instruments, because they were built by Perfection. Whatever these people might say, whatever they may find in this world... it's just means, it's a small, puny grasp of the HOW. It doesn't tell you if God exists. It may tell you, if you listen to it, that God works with powers and understanding you and I will never reach.   Not in my deepest moments of despair have I questioned the existence of God. Only His reasoning for our existence... oh well.   On the ship there wasn't really much to do. My job was to stay out of people's hair, especially Bart. I really, really miss him, but I can't risk getting all Axe-Eve on him. I know he espouses his thick skin, but I'm sure he'll be sensitive to whatever I may sprout at him. I'm almost mad he doesn't try, to be honest, but I'm glad. I'm glad, but I'm mad. Mlad. It's a state of mind I'm quite familiar with.   Jokes aside, I truly want to get through with this without ruining the beautiful thing I have with Bart. My mind has been blurred of late, but at least I know that's what I should do. I'm starting to question many things, even this love of ours. Is it that real? It's a very young love. And borne out of a distressful situation, in my case, at least, but isn't it that distress clears your mind and heart? Yes, but... I have doubts and hate of all sorts. I can't deserve this. I never believed in fairy tales, did I? Why do I start expecting Bart to be my prince? God, I talked about him like he's some perfect knight coming for the little damsel. Uhghhhhhhh.   But I know that I must preserve this, fight to keep it. I will get better. Till then, hold tight and don't get too close. Shouldn't be hard on this big ship. I took Lullaby with me as I decided to explore some more. When I'm with her, whenever I'm mad or feel like hitting something, I look at her and remember what I'm doing. Hope this will continue to work... I'm afraid of myself. And it's not a nice feeling at all.   So may daily routine in the Evo Drive was quite simple. Well, at some point I came back to the beds we had near the others, but the first 2-3 days I stayed alone with Lullaby wondering through the Evo Drive. I woke up, checked up on Lullaby. Usually she wakes up at some point and just waits. It was a little distressing at first, but now I'm used. I help her get up and we both get dressed for the great new day through the Evo Drive.. It's hard with Lullaby, her old clothes don't really work any more, since little Rafil is getting bigger every day, so I had to actually try to buy new clothes. The ones Dillen had bought were adapting to your body, yes, but they were still too tight... I found special clothes for her state, thank God no one can mess up drawing a pregnant person on a label, otherwise this weird alphabet would have defeated me. Also, we keep forgetting, but these people don't speak our language that much between them. It's kind of like an international language(inter-factional?). Then we have to find something to eat. They actually have good food here, fresh vegetables and meat and stuff. Eggs of a scarily big variety (I'm talking bright yellow eggs here, like yellow shell!). Very good, by the way. Lullaby eats if I put food in front of her and give her the fork and the knife, and help her get the first bite or something. But not always. It's weird. I can't know if she's hungry, because she doesn't really show it. She clearly has the instinct to eat, otherwise I would have had to feed her continuously. She's so silent. It's actually quite calming. Especially since there's so much noise in my head. Then we go exploring. I found a "digital" (which is abstract, in-machine) library, and started reading. Since I can't understand the alphabet (I'm trying, but it's hard) I usually look at images. They have so many, it's enough.   I usually try to keep Lullaby laid-back somewhere, I don't really know what pregnant women need, but I do know she shouldn't have too much pressure on her legs. I've been trying to even exercise with her to make her blood get moving, she did get a little swollen at the ankles. Her right foot being completely hurt doesn't help either. You see, dear journal, she has this complex wound on her foot, like you would explode something underneath it. That's why she's a little limp. Does NOT help now that she's pregnant. Anywhoo, I usually then find a quiet place to stay and work on my arcane-defining. I try to imagine a sword-like seam of arcane, but I usually just get a small spark at most. Whenever I get too frustrated, I take a break and talk to Lullaby. And I have worked out how to interact more with her. You know that clapping game people do as kids? I don't know how the words go, so I just say Eenie-Meeny-Miney-Moe and clap hands with her and with my own, in a sequence. It was hard at first, but she got it, and now if I sit beside her and raise her hands in position and start doing it, she follows my lead!!! I'm so glad. I know it's just a reflex of some sort, but... I don't know, it warmed my heart.   In the evenings I would normally skim through Illien's Letters trying to remember clues for my Light exercises. I also tried praying, a couple of days ago. I had stopped after the whole Legondol disaster.. You know, I have a revolt to carry on. It didn't work out that well. I can't pray if my thoughts are vile, now can I? I mean, technically it shouldn't stop me, but I'm afraid. I don't want to pray like this. I'll pick a better time... I mostly try thinking about the others and pray for them. But I wind up thinking how I hate the very concept of asking God for anything. Which is not really what praying is. So I stopped. I'm stupid.   So I get Lullaby to sleep. I usually stay with her until she falls asleep, then go to sleep myself. Since I'm prone to boredom, I tell her stories. Usually from my Tall-Tales book. I haven't opened that since Iziper, I think. Why read her bedtime stories, she's not a child, plus she can't hear them. Meh, screw you! And you, journal. Both! I can read what I want to read.   Nixie actually found me at some point, she was very worried for me, Verfy was with her and they were both searching for me in the Drive. I told them what I wrote here... I don't want to endanger them. They brought me back and made me sleep, because I didn't sleep in the first days. I would guard Lullaby, whom I'd usually put in some cushiony corner of the ship. She goes to sleep pretty fast sometimes, very slow others. I want to get her moving more, I'm worried a little bit that she'll have issues. I don't want her muscles to weaken or anything. I can have her walk, but how do I make her use her muscles in other ways? I don't want to walk her around too much. That's exactly what I try to avoid. But the exercises are just me moving her legs around, that's not really helpful. Her back must hurt, too, so I thought helping her with some back rubs (I'm a secret queen of back rubs). But I can't tell if that helps. I know nothing! Ish it's so hard.   Nixie told me to switch with them at least for one night, but no. I won't have them worry this much, I need to find a way to calm them down. I'm fine! Just Axe-Eve sometimes, mostly when I'm with them. But other than that I'm fine! I also don't like sleeping any more, it's a dangerous activity. I will avoid it as much as I can. I need new Tall-Tales. I'm starting to repeat them.   Oh, Nixie and Verfy bought themselves perfume with Recycled Serum in it. Which is basically dead guy juice................. Why? I don't know. I don't want to delve into that. We were trying to find presents for Nixie's family, which was so cute. Little does Nixie know we are also trying to find her a gift. I actually found Drenizek prying around in the shopping area at some point, and I got him to tell. The crew are trying to make her some sort of gift, but have no ideas so Drenizek went to investigate. He has an idea and they already made the first steps in preparing the gift, but they would obviously want us to pitch in. I think Drenizek expected us to already have a gift for her, but he was happy to find out we had nothing so we could join them, haha. I still haven't found out exactly what Drenizek is preparing, so I guess I'll have him tell Verfy and I. Verfy has other ideas, which to me sound just great, and we can get Nixie all of these things anyway since we have money. At least this way we can use the Orshag for something.   Truth be told...... I don't like what we're doing right now. Maybe it's the demon talking, but I think we're naive and foolish. This land, this dimension........ It's not that it's bad. There are no good and bad lands, only people, and you can find people of all kinds everywhere, but... I get this feeling, more and more. I look at the stories of the erasing of that race and the void period in history, or the Zidith-sect, or how we were somehow prophecy-fulfilling for the Conduit and just the right type of help for the Orshag, and how the Black Hole in the middle is in the center of many religions and ideas... I look at the dynamics between factions, the belief systems, the way the gods "died"... And I feel like we're on the same chessboard as home. Remember it? Years of weakness, of disgust, of hate. Years of orcish invasions. Years preparing the groundwork. Like back home, this xy... It's the same. It's ready. But it's bigger, so the disaster here is far bigger. We're too late to stop any of it. It's going to be.... immense.   I can't let that demon rule over me, but still I can't feel better. Are we doing this for nothing? The game is set. The stupid game is set, everywhere!!!! I just want us to make one small difference, one move, one........... One thing that we define! Like the arcane. Like the sword. Maybe... I don't know, someone said it before, we should do our thing and not just counter what is going on. That's what we are doing now, right? I don't know what we are doing. I'm lost. Im still lost. More, even. God, am I so bad???   I wonder if I actually don't hurt Lullaby! Oh, my, maybe I'm moving her around too much and actually hurting her...... And I made everyone worry for me... What a mosnter I am......... Nixie is sad, I see that, she's sad at the vastness of space and emptiness of xy and this feeling of metal and coarse mechanics. I don't know how to cheer her up. And I just help her bring herself down even more. Is this how I help my captain? Also Verfy has been struggling with her dillemas, I should be there for her. Also Bart!! He must be hurt... But I can't. I can't... I can't do anything! I'm the numb useless one. Not Lullaby. Lullaby is there. One day, she'll be better. I know it. But me!? This is when I should be the one to do it right. I have taken upon myself quite big things. Can I do them? No, I'm just daddy's little stupid poppy girl lost in her own doubts. Why did I do this? I can't back out of it now. I would rather die.   But it seems I'm not doing a good job anyway. Well, then, if I'm that bad, I do deserve to die. I hope not, for I don't want any of them to go through this. I'll keep going, hopefully help Lullaby if only a bit. I just wish I could do a better job with all this.   May the Almighty look over them all.

"Gather, Men of Faith as you are. Faithful you may not be, or just, or pure. We are all sullied. But we are of Faith, and it owns us all. That is how we shall march" - Illien the Great, at the end of his Call, the letter gathering the Ael Velle.   Seriously, Eve, you said you won't write anymore, and here we are, one day later. Well technically it's the 13th of October already, I think it's still the dead of night, or maybe early morning. In the Kataria castle it's always daytime anyway...   Well, I decided to continue writing. Some events have transpired which made writing in you... possible, again, I think. But I'll probably start debilitating some very dangerous nonsense again. You've been duly warned. Axe-Eve is now in control. In that i will axe anyone and everyone. Don't worry, I can explain. It's called being punished accordingly.   But before any of that, I owe myself and especially the others some storytelling. You know, about what happened in xy. Because I really skipped through a lot of stuff. First of all, the problem we had. We were in xy and had no idea what to do here. We weren't alone, either. Xantinya was there too. I didn't mention it, but she came after us right after we crossed into xy, and then did something.... or rather something happened to her. She reunited with all her selves. I should have known. For a demon, who exists in the same time in all Dimensions, to take up physical form... it wouldn't be able to do so in all Dimensions at once, obviously. A physical form has to pertain to one of the 9. So she had to... split herself, somehow, in order to take up these physical forms. That is why there was a Xantinya in Lullaby's Dimension but also one in the Continent of Elements, at the same time... Well, now that her consciousness from our Dimension visited all the other 8.... she's in full form. One body, one soul, one power.   She truly looks demonic now. Larger, gleaming in that gross bright light, that only shines in its malevolency.... With black wings, the black wings that were cast down into shadow after she whispered to her son the idea of the first Crime on Earth. And then she morphed into a black ray and dissapeared. Not a black ray, actually. A comet. A comet that now travels this Dimension, spreading fear. For, you see... Of course it was not unintentional. There's a prophecy here, in xy, that a black comet means war and the fall of their greatest nation, the Commonwealth of Star Sectors under the Zidith-Sect (CSSZ). We had to somehow.. stop that? It wasn't clear how. We clearly needed more info, but we were not just outcasts, but soon to be fugitives...   At the time my insane mind put a stop to you, poor journal, silly journal, monster-journal I hate and wish to burn, we were trapped in a white cube with no visible exits. It was an illusion of infinite space, because there were no shadows, no... nothing. Horrifying. Anywhoo, since we couldn't escape, we wanted to focus on helping Lullaby. We all had some kind of sleep on that white cold floor.... When we woke up, Tallion told us that he had a dream. I was surprised, if anything I expected myself to have a dream, not the oaf who can barely read his own   Sorry, Tallion, it seems my mind thinks it's a good idea to write this nonsense. Imagine if I were to speak words into you, dear journal, like Kelly speaks into those screens to search for information... Scratching that vile remark, we got to listen to Tallion's dream, which was yet another scene from Lullaby's point of view. A discussion between her and this Sikorki guy whose name had popped in my head about my dream. Sikorki was about to face the Five, who it seems were these immensly powerful interdimensionals, so powerful they could influence history to their liking and who didn't even live on any of the Dimensions per se, but suspended in a world of their own making, like gods. And they probably thought of themselves as gods. Sikorki told Lullaby to stand back with the rest of his followers, and let him battle them on his own. Lullaby objected, but Sikorki insisted that this fight would be his alone. It seems Sikorki understood the danger and evil of trying to annihilate the Five. But he saw it as necessary. As long as the Five exist, he said, the world could not move forward. Therefore... someone had to take it upon themselves this evil, the evil of annihilating them. It would be him. He reminded Lullaby of the sword, and told her she would be able to do great things for the world, afterwards... then, Lullaby said something, but Tallion could not figure out what in his dream. Sikorki had one last moment, in which he hugged her, and then turn around and dissapeared beyond a hill, to fight the Five.   Back then I had all sorts of parasite thoughts, but now, thinking more clearly... I have to say this Sikorki guy had a lot of courage. He died in that battle. Probably on purpose. I mean surely. Had he lived... He would have replaced the Five... Maybe if the other interdimensionals had bloodied their hands with that fight, they would have simply replaced the Five. But this way he hoped for this cycle to be broken. With his soul as sacrifice. Wow....   It's a shame that many of his followers turned their backs on his legacy. He clearly sounds like the kind of man I'd be dying to meet.   We understood that Lullaby's spirit was very much alive, just... trapped, in some way. To reach it, we needed something, a lever, a path, and we thought of the sword. We used the sword, since it probably has a shard of Lullaby's spirit by now. And then our minds were bombarded by these small shards of her memory. I don't know what others saw or felt. It was kind of wrong to absorb all that, but we couldn't help not doing it. I felt fire, and cold, and I saw a woman throwing a chair. Damaschini did something, because he became very startled, and then the thought of Sea flooded my mind. We all thought of her, as she was the one that brought us all together. I must say, I have never met anyone who lived up to her name so much as our little angel, who continues to make and tighten the bonds between so many people. And not just people she met. Think of Kelly.   Yes, I finally feel something good! Like a fuzzy warm blanket. That's my Sea. Thank God for her. I don't have the best company these days, when I'm on my own in the dark. I'll get back to that. The candlelight sometimes reveals unpleasant shadows...   Something happened, then, and Lullaby extracted a shadow from inside her, and cut in in length, and the shadow... spread. Then, she fell back in her normal state. I don't know what I had seen. Was she conscious? No, I don't think so. But I think that her drive to save her son had awoken, and she undid that monstrous plane bending Xantinya did to curse her child...   Alas... we did it. Rafil was safe. I did not feel relieved, but angry. Angry that she was back in her state, with us having nothing else to do. I wanted to save her, not just prolong this.... Ugh! Even now I'm annoyed. I felt that Nixie just wanted to get this out of the way so she could follow up on some crazy plans to fight Xantinya, I was so pissed at her! You don't even imagine, dear journal, what Axe-Eve can think and/or say when Axe-Eve starts axing around.   We discussed our plans for the future after this... It was a question of whether to leave xy or continue here. Verfy and Bart and Damaschini wanted us to go back and fight in the Continent against the impending Orcish-Undead invasion. But I didn't know about all that. I just wanted to... do nothing. I sometimes still do. Why try? Why try what is not in our heart anyway? Go for it, fight a losing war in the Continent, doing nothing much more than we already did. Xantinya is irrelevant. Her undead and orcish allies, the same. As long as we have nothing better in this world to fight for... a chance? A chance to do what...? I still ponder. I knew these answers, I didn't forget. I have a hard time believing them right now. But I won't fall in it again. That pit of desperation.   I wanted to say something smart and witty. I only insulted Nixie. Which is exactly what Axe-Eve would do. It's as if Axe-Eve knows that Poppy-Eve would hate, more than almost anything, to hurt Nixie, so Axe-Eve strikes there the most. She hasn't yet tried something against Bart, thankfully. I fear that moment may come, though....   I was mad at Nixie because it seemed like she hated Lullaby and wanted to go to xy exclusively to open all dimensions then enlist some help from xy against the Apocalypse. I was mad that we didn't even share the same values that are empty anyway. How could I not be enraged? Not only do our values turn to dust in our faces, we don't even share them, what's the point of our war then!?!   Of course, I was wrong. But at the time I wouldn't see it. In the end, Drenizek and Dillen each intervened on Nixie's side, saying how they want to continue in xy. I was not amazed at Dillen. Ever the opportunist. But Drenizek struck a chord. He told me about Nixie's true feelings, and reminded me, if only then, that her motives are the same as mine. It helped me calm down a bit, but not for long...   We still decided to stay here. With hindsight, I understand how hard it must've been for Nixie and Verfy. But they were brave, as I know they always are. I feel responsible. And I know I failed them already, but maybe I can make up for all this somehow....   Finally, we got transferred to another car and we were to be transported somewhere else, maybe a place where we would be killed....? Had no idea. We didn't want to stick around to find out, though, so we busted out by going inside the chest and having Damaschini demolish the walls of the car with his Matter-bending capabilities. He then flew away and hid. Next up, Dillen and Bart used their street-smarts to get us some money and clothes.   The money is not in gold or copper or silver form, it's... it's abstract. There's this device we dubbed "clock" which shows you how much money you have. And actually it's not how much money you have, but how much money you owe to the owner of this clock, a huge bank called the ITA. Well it's not a bank but a trade guild of sorts. Very, very big trade guild.   And the clothes change colours. When Dillen and Bart told us to get out of the Kataria castle, we emerged in some underground lair. It was huge. A big square hole whose walls were levelled, each level having countless shops. It was busy, but we found a quieter corner by the edge of one of the levels. We had, by that time, changed our clothes. They were pretty neat. Verfy also got a very nice helmet of sorts, with a big black screen in front. She could see us, but we couldn't see her. Bart picked me some nice clothes too, a black vest with lucent blue tints, dark blue pants and sleeves and beneath the vest a nice blue blouse. I could change colours but I liked those. How nice! Clothes that change colours! I imagine the life of all girls here is easier. Or maybe the choices make it harder! Hm.   Leaving that aside, we spent most of our time trying to find out information about xy. It's a horrifying, vast space. These people can travel between PLANETS, yes, planets. And Kelly, who knew more about science and stuff than us, was even more amazed. Perhaps because she understand the implications better than we do. It's like we would try to explain to her that you can suddenly extract a full-purity arcane blast from a rune... Ah, one could only dream.   In any case, we had some pressing issues, before we could do anything regarding... you know, the end of the world. We needed money and safety. The police were after us, because we had escaped. Then again, the money the boys were using was not limitless, and it turns out it that our new devices and the whole money-scheme was the result of them robbing some poor slob in town. He would soon do something, right? So we expected money to dry out soon, too.....   Out of ideas, we turned to basic ideas. Nixie wanted to kidnap somebody. Dillen was strongly against it, and so was Kelly. These two seem to have a synergy with this place, by the way. In any case, we decided the best way to solve our predicament was to make some dirty money. Easier said than done. First of all, we needed some sleep. We all went into the chest, with Kelly guarding it.   I didn't talk to anyone at the time, not even Bart. I don't know what Bart is doing. I miss him, but he's near me. I'm afraid I'll hurt him, too. I'm trying to stay away from everybody. The damage is done with most of them, by now, but maybe Bart is safe, still.... I don't want to mess him up, too, Axe-Eve is dangerous, as I said. In any case, that night we went to sleep in the Kataria palace. Damaschini wanted to show us around a bit before that, but I was in no mood. I took Lullaby (who very dilligently follows me if I pull her along a little bit) and found a room in a faraway wing of the castle. Ah, familiar surroundings. This dimension is weird, all metal-y and glassy and the surface is very clean but the underground is dirty and vapid. It feels good to return to a castle, with stone walls, and feel the air flow through empty corridors. I pulled the drapes and went to sleep, not before taking care of Lullaby.   It's weird. It's like taking care of a small child, to be honest. But she does as I will, no resistance offered. I wish I could help her more. I don't understand them! Can't they see it's not just that she lost her husband!? Her very own grief and terror was turned against her, to harm her child! Her very mind was shattered. Maybe her current state is a sign of hope, that she can recover. But maybe it's the complete opposite, and she'll never recover. I still intend to be by her side. Dunno why, maybe she should just.... ugh I was about to write something horrifying. No, Eve, focus. What is your real feeling?   I... I don't know! Maybe I do feel anger towards Lullaby. It's strange... At night, I huddle beside her and try to give her at least some warmth. I don't want to leave her alone. I know she can't feel me. But she's so alone....... She's silent, and she doesn't do anything. So the others just... float past her. It's like she's a hole in the air. Can't blame them... Can blame them? No. Can't. Stop it! But what I can do is... be there. It doesn't help, I'm sure. She can't feel it, I'm sure. But I'll do it anyway because in some strange way I want to give her what she should receive, even if it can't reach her. I act out of the love I feel for her and her son.   Maybe that's it. My being there can't change anything for her. But the feeling still exists, and I still stay by her side. Useless? Perhaps for Lullaby, now... But it's still something warm and .... comforting. At night, in my darkest hours of doubt, I still get calm by her little frail body sleeping beside me, because I feel protective of her. That keeps me human. Keeps me... going.   Maybe that's the thing. These things are not useless. Maybe in the small scheme they may seem useless... But... somehow, they work. Maybe Good exists, it's just that I'm looking at the results the wrong way. Or looking elsewhere. Like for instance Illien's Ael Velle. I know, I know. Obsessive Nutcase. Ah, but I love Nutcase-Eve now that I've seen Axe-Eve. Anyway, Illien the Great lost and was defeated, his defeat breaking the spirit of generations that might've followed in his footsteps otherwise. But his defeat was also a threshold. It set a standard. The weak-minded would not go on an Ael Velle and ruin its name any more. Only those who could rise from that defeat, learn from it and grow from it would embark on another Ael Velle. And that Ael Velle would be truer, and stronger.   I start sounding like that insufferable know-it-all Eve....! I love it! Maybe there's hope for me.... I don't know, though. Whenever I turn around, I see disaster and pain and illusion. And my revolt. And my heart aches again.   That morning, I woke up still feeling tired. I noticed Lullaby is a little bit more receptive. She works on some kind of muscle memory. For example if I give her her blouse she'll put it on if I put her hands on it and pull them over her head. Yesterday morning I had to do most of the work myself. Her eyes also follow me if I move around. And if someone makes a sound she may turn her head in that direction. But these are just reflexes, customary moves, memories. Nothing suggesting she's present, truly present.   Anyway... We got out of the chest in a tight alley with many pipes and gross smells (and rats). Kelly was quite battered. It seems she had tried to get some money at a bar, but had a seizure and was attacked by people at that bar. Verfy decided it was time for a ... together-training. I swear, maybe the key to stopping the Apocalypse is a together-training with everyone in all 9 dimensions. And I'm only half-joking!   To be fair, I see the point. We were... confused. Weakened. And angry. Some of us (me me me me me me me me me). Verfy and Nixie first went to Kelly. They tried to see what her problem was, because Kelly seemed much more distraught than usual. She was upset she got beaten up, but it was more than that. She was upset she was no longer a powerful warrior. Well, fencer. Anyway, you get it. Age. I'd say her sickness is the only issue she has, but... Yea, she was feeling down, thinking that she was losing all that made her into something, and that her legacy was nill.   I get the legacy part. I also feel I have no legacy to leave behind right now, but I was never obsessed with that till now. But Kelly seemed to really care about it. She sees herself basically as a collection of three things: beauty, invention and fencing. Beauty she lost with the scar, and now she's losing fencing. And her invention... I don't think she was ever truly pleased with herself on that account, mainly because she spent a lot of time making stuff for others. She isn't a spiritual person, so if you take away these very concrete traits, she feels empty.   But I think she's starting to learn there's more around here. I listened too, and part of me understood. Part of me didn't, but we'll get to that. In the end, the girls did something that took me off guard: they made Kelly crack. They were so supportive and so genuinely loving... she finally opened up to us. I felt then that she treated us as her friends, for the first time, maybe. Or at least for the first time consciously. She wanted to have a refuge, somewhere. She felt alone. Ah, not the only one. But that's the funny thing, we are not alone. We have each other here, in this weird bundle of people from across dimensions. Does it mean something? Of course. Was it in vain? No. I can't believe that. I am fighting it. The feeling. Of emptiness.   Kelly told us she never had time to stop trying to develop her three traits. Her parents wanted her to excel in them. She wanted that. She sacrificed a lot for it. Everything, in fact, including the love and respect of her parents. And, I think, her own respect for herself. Hearing her story, it made me realise why Sea stood by her. Even as she tried to instill into us the thought that she is a bad person, or at least a cutthroat, cold-blooded killer, I saw that, beyond these experiences, she is ... I don't know. Nice? Redeemable? Mh. I don't know a fitting word. Maybe I could say... that she's had a rough life, she made many mistakes, some were induced by others, some were hers entirely, but she always had in her the traits and spark of a good human being. I think that is the way I can put it.   Which, again, made me think... Is there as sense to our growth on Earth? Does it really work?   These are all after-thoughts. At that time I was scornful. I was envious that they considered Kelly so good and special. Kelly, who sold her body for money, basically. Then betrayed and killed her "Benefactors" in a grizzly way. But... then the girls turned to me. And I had to spill it out. All my frustration, my anger, my.... thirst for revenge. Oh, yes, I wanted to declare war on the Almighty, and see His world burn, because it's a bad world....   I felt I was doing unmendable mistakes, but I could not stop!!! I wanted them to be angered. I wanted Nixie to say "you'll see" and "It's too late now", I wanted them to say I'm mad, possessed, demonic, evil, wrong, slap me, fight me, kill me!   I'm going mad. Really, really mad........ I broke everything. My love for them, my love for the Almighty, most of all. I betrayed all. I betrayed myself. I could not stop, though. Everything was a done thing. But they......... they didn't flinch. I couldn't believe it. They didn't get mad, they didn't get red from my horrible comments. Not even poor Tallion, whom I'd berated out of nowhere for no reason. They all stood fast and took in my horrible rantings. At some point Verfy asked: but why are we friends anymore, then, if we're so bad?" I wanted to say "we're not" and leave. Yes, I've had enough of them. Of their illusion. Of their lies. They lied that they had love in their herats, and they were deluded to think any amount of love mattered in a world where love simply does not work!!!!! But.........   Ah, I couldn't! I knew it was not right. I knew I loved them all. I do, I truly do. Even Kelly, who's the newest of us. Even Lullaby, whom I've slapped out of pure rage, then....... God!!!!!!   Finally, done. The whole ordeal of trying to understand something. As I cried it out, I felt a cold glimmer, and a steel blade of an axe swooping from above, and I screamed at them to get down......... when I calmed down a bit, I understood the horrifying truth......   My weak, Axe-Eve was the result of Nutcase-Eve having her stupid revolt and falling prey to... him. I looked at Lullaby in horror and blamed her, like the monster I am. But then I rescinded. Of course it's not her fault. But now I understood my condition. You see, dear journal, I'm not possessed. But I kind of am. Hehe.   heheheehehheheheehhehehheheheehehehehehehehhehehe   Help..   Lullaby's spirit senses nothing of the outside world. But in shielding itself, its strength distorts the spiritual plane around her. And all that attacks her spirit gets dissipated around. Including, well, her own personal demon, which in her case is not your average small guy, but the big Balan, demon of Vengeance and fourth greatest demon in the World... Well, fifth, if you count Xantinya's lonely husband.   By the way, Xantinya should check on her spouse, Hell has many female demons, and I bet demons don't believe in monogamy. That is actually a good question, do demons even... care about their spouses? That would be... almost angelic of them. So, maybe not. Maybe they don't believe in the pairs that God formed for them. Which is ironic, since the Devil was the one to ask for the pairs to be made in the first place.   So, going back to the issue... I felt all these urges to spit at people, metaphorically, because I wanted to exact revenge on them. And especially on the Almighty, for building this world in such a way that we're trapped to be doomed in it.   Nixie and Verfy and Tallion and Bart are the best friends one could ask for. They saved me that moment, I know it. I can't believe I am their weakest link now! I endangered them and Lullaby! God, what a monster I am!   It's a fit punishment for one who thought she had control over her faith and hope and feelings. For one who thought she could carry others into the light. Serves you right, you useless Nut! You shriveled old fruit everybody leaves in the bowl!   Don't worry, though. I will seek redemption of some kind. I'm starting to think out of desperation, but desperation is a two-edged sin, because it can turn to eagerness pretty soon. I'm eager to find a way. I believe in done things, but maybe that's the issue. The world can't work if anything that happens is a done thing. But is it? The Elves falling out of grace was a done thing, but the Elves believe in returning back to the Tree, like leaves dying in the ground and being absorbed by its roots. So... even if the Fall is a done thing, returning to the Almighty shouldn't be... right?   Right, Balan?   Can't let you have me... But, can I fight this? I don't know. I know I'll continue to take care of Lullaby. He will affect me. The more I stay near Lullaby, the more I'll be affected. But someone has to take care of her. Someone has to show her the affection she needs. Maybe it won't help her, but it doesn't matter. It's (1) what I feel like I want to do and (2) what is just. I want to protect her, so lemme! And it is right to look after people, especially those who can't defend themselves. Lullaby needs us more than ever. I won't turn away. On the contrary. I won't leave her side. I'm writing this in our room, as she sleeps. She's mine to protect, and if I have to endure this demon, so be it. I may crack and get fully mad. But then the rest may pulverise me. I won't deserve to live among them anyway. If I let my soul be consumed like that.   I can't fight Balan, nor is it my job to do so. It's Lullaby's demon, and he won't leave her. She could contain him, but not now. And if we were to open the gates to her spirit, Balan would be the first to enter. And I fear that. So, it's best if I just sit tight and continue taking care of her.   I may need some help in making sure I don't go full Axe-Eve again, though.   It's good that whenever I'm alone with Lullaby I don't have the urge to hit her, like I did at the together training. I would.... forver hate myself... if I wouldn't be able to do this one task, this one thing. Take. Care. Of her. Simple as that!!!!   Back on the ship, when I spent time with the Sylph, I thought I was taking care of her... Bhah! She was taking care of me, of all of us. Now... now is the real test, Eve! Now!   Having calmed down the possessed lunatic with twiggy arms and still-kinda-potato face, the party started talking about a plan on how to proceed in xy. First of all, we agreed that we needed to help Lullaby recover. For that, we needed Ghighi. But how to get Ghighi? Verfy reminded us of her idea to send a message to all dimensions. A message on the impending End, and on hope, hope that we can prevent it. Hm.   So.... we had to send a message? Xy seemed the place to try that out. That is because of a strange construct called the Zidith. The faith of Zeith, which is the biggest religion in xy, is centered around this idea that information, pure impersonal information, arranges all in the universe. It permeates all existence, so, if you can capture it, you can understand all, even predict the future. So they built a huge machine, feeding off the energy of 9 stars, called the Zidith, which can store this unfettered pure information. Its information is deciphered by priests who then interpret it as things to do for the Commonwealth. Hm. And.... aside from that, there's a big black hole filled with Xenatine which may just be the xy equivalent of the Tower in Haj et Laon. Why? Because Black Holes are... welll... not holes, but a place where all the laws of the universe get weird and inverted, where space and time diffuse. and if you fill that with Xenatine......... You get a big, big gate. Black holes hold information on the universe around them, by absorbing it. And Kelly said that the 9 dimensions themselves are mirroring each other, just like the information inside the black hole may mirror what lies around it. Interesting things, complicated for me to understand, but....   For a moment there I felt blessed to be able to learn of such things, and mired with the beauty and finesse of the Universe. This world... it sure does sound like it makes sense. Maybe it does! Right? Please, make it so..........   We decided we had to try to send a message through the Black Hole, in a medium that would actually allow that message to transcend the dimension. But wait, why use a gate to hell for that? Isn't that what Xantinya's towers are? Well... These gates can't just be gates to Hell. The dimensions are linked between each other via HEaven too. And via the old world, that existed prior to them. The common ground between these dimensions. So we would use the black hole for our own channel. You don't need physical gates. All you need is to find a way to access these links between dimensions. The black hole would do.   Plus, turning an enemy's weapon against it feels so, so.... right.   But how can we do this? Maybe we could find out something by consulting the Zidith. So we decided on our cursed itinerary - first the Zidith, then the Black Hole. Subject to change. Honestly, Nixie seemed unsure about the Zidith part, mostly because we tried to visit a temple of theirs and there was a weird symbol which rattled her a little bit. Looked like a wasp to Bart, and I kinda agreed with him. I hate wasps too, but I'm sure that's not what they wanted to depict. Actually, it seems it doesn't really mean anything. It's the "first deciphering" of the Zidith. So it's a mystery, in other words, haha. Maybe it has an inherent value. Like... the information in the universe is arranged in a way that this symbol... symbolises? I don't know.   Or.... It may just all be a big, fat hoax. A lie, made up to give an easy religion for people to follow.   In any cas,e we had to find out. But first... money and police! Yes, yes, we had no way to spend money (the clock worked no longer) and we had been declared fugitives, our faces now appearing on these big screens on buildings.   I was particularly unhappy with how well they captured my still-potato-skin.   Bleah. To quote Xixi, "xaxo to you".   To make up for our problems, we decided on a binge-cruise of the underworld. Which was literally under the city. Kelly, using some great street smarts, found a perfectly dubious bar in the underground sector built in an underground mine. I have to stop here and add that we got to see a chunk of the city by walking around so much, and... It's.... very, very ... much! So big, it never ends. Buildings everywhere, and tall, too, and so many people. 139 million.... That's like... I think it's more than the population of our Dimension! Or at least the part that we know of...   Streets are very clean. The middle is for these "car" things, but there's a special lane on the wider streets which is used by special cars that hover over the ground. And the ground is filled with what looks like lightning. Can you imagine? Huh. And the buildings are mostly square, but they like round ones too, many have bases made of stone, I think some kind of limestone and granite, I've seen some beautiful arches, too, and they just LOVE these boxes that transport people everywher,e called elevators. They move up and down and sidways too. And many are stationed outside the buildings themselves. We even got to be transported by the sidewalk itself!!! Hhih. Fun.   But the underground was less fun. Fumes and sweat could be felt at every breath, and this heaviness creeped in and seeped into clothes and skin. People here are clearly dubious. Mostly spiked-heads called Brazzki. The bar itself was a dubious dump, filled to the brim with these Brazzki rascals. There was a big metal round ring, surrounded by a cage, used for fights. Kelly was incredibly quick to cook up a situation for us to fill: she was a bounty hunter and we were her sidekicks. Kelly was very good at navigating in a discussion and finding out info as she went, in the same time pretending she knew everything about what she was talking about. She found a way to make money: enroll Verfy in a fight. Oh, yea... I was looking forward to seeing whose spiked face would be mushed by our super-warrior.   But............ alas, the fights were... more brutal than expected. They were supposed to be fistfights, no weapons, but......... these monsters had weapons.. inside them! A Brazzki has four arms, generally, but one of them had only two, and each arm contained a secret metal arm that could detach. These metal arms could assume various shapes, including that of a javelin or sword, and could jab or cut the Brazzki's enemy. In this case......... Verfy.   We saw him ruthelessly cut another Brazzki's head off. But, when faced with another guy from another race, he only cut an arm. It seems these guys are a little afraid to kill a Nastaim. That's good, because we pass for Nastaim... Ish. Except Damaschini.   Verfy was probably nervous, but she acted brave. When inside the ring, she fought with her everything, like always. Before the fight, Kelly and Damaschini had worked to modify her xy helmet. Kelly incorporated a blade there, so our girl could have a fighting chance.   Verfy was immediately beset by the monster, with its blades slashing her up and down. But Verfy did not lose her focus and tried to break his defenses, punching him in the face. But the Brazzki used his agility to keep up the attacks. It was quite an amazing fight. Verfy tried to knock him down, but the Brazzki caught her right foot behind his knee. These Brazzki have really crooked feet, by the way. Verfy tried to push him aside with her head-blade-helmet-thingie, but the Brazzki defended and caught her blade behind the same knee!!! Now poor Verfy had her head stuck where her foot was. Ugh. But the Brazzki was not strong enough to overpower Verfy, oh no. Our fire-elemental brought him down and jabbed him. But the Brazzki managed to get up using his tail and one of Verfy's punches and attacked again. Verfy was slashed again, and again, but she countered by ramming into him with her head-blade. They continued fighitng in a frenzy of blood and blades, until the Brazzki finally fell to the ground. Poor Verfy could only let out a sigh before collapsing too, but she had done her job. She secured 1200 of their currency, which thanks to Dillen's bets was increased to 4800. Now we had some money. And the bartender could be a good source for us to find allies. We needed.... as Kelly herself put it (poor her)... "sponsorship".   But something else happened. After the fight, and after we tended to Verfy (poor her was knocked out completely....I am worried for our warrior, she gets into too mcuh trouble for her own good) Nixie went to the bathroom and talked to a bounty-hunter. seems Nixie had this thing on her list, where she would discuss Apocalypse matters with girls in the bathroom. She definitely crossed that off her list, but... the girl died in front of her. And Nixie ran, which made things worse, because she was seen, too. Now the bar was in uproar, the police were coming, so we had to think fast. Kelly suggested hiding in the chest in a new spot we would create in the bar. Bart came up with th eidea of punching a hole. But... how!? Bart said "just hide" and we followed suit. I saw Bart prepare to punch the ground and I was very, very confused. He's strong, but not in that way.... But when he did punch the ground, the floor broke and he could extract a few pieces, making just enough room for the chest to fit! Then we could cover the chest with a carpet that was lying on top of the floor. But... how!? I was amazed and, dare I say, proud at Bart. Though i know I have no merit. He really turned up into a man who could transmit his mental strength to physical strength...! I'm.... I don't deserve such a man.   Inside the chest, we talked to Nixie about what had happened. It seems our captain wanted to make some innocent chat with girls in the bathroom, but she got caught as a "non-homologated" mutation by a bounty hunter, so she told her... well, the truth about us. And she seemed to believe Nixie, but then suddenly she fell, a pool of blood forming beneath her. Then others entered the bath and accused Nixie of murder, and she ran. Ugh, such bad luck, I mean, come on.... Unless it was on purpose, whcih Nixie now believes is the case. Then it means someone is tracking us..... bad. Very bad.   Worse still is that we were trapped. We now had no allies. the bartender had called the police. We were suspects, because we were strangers. They would scan us. That is why we had hidden in the chest to begin with. But once we emerged out of it... we would be in the same bar... We needed to fix this.. So Kelly volunteered to try and fix it with the bartender. The girls didn't want to let her go alone, but I think it was best that she did it alone. This way she could make a better story and a better case for herself. I trusted her to be all right. Kelly really carried our poor provincial souls through this metropolis so far..   Now, in the dead of night (well, not in the castle, where it's always daytime...) we turned to other issues.... Somehow, it came to Verfy and Nixie that we had not told the rest about the beginning of the world. The story of the creation. So... we discussed whether we should tell them. I wanted to. I knew the Elves wanted us to know, and only us, but... you know, by US I understand the crew as well. And Xixi. And Kelly. And Anevys. And Marv, wherever our poor brave lizardman is. And, well, Damaschini, too. And, of course, Lullaby.   But... Damaschini was a special case. Nixie didn't trust him because (1) she didn't know him and (2) Tallion told us about a letter sent by one of his friends to him, after the old party broke up. The letter was a pain to hear. This Nerissa was so disappointed at Damaschini, so alone and abandoned... I felt her pain, I knew she was a true friend to him, judging from how much disappointment I felt, but it also seemed that they just didn't understand each other. In any case, it looked as if their party, as we all had figured by that time, had been highly dysfunctional. But... That was relevant to the whole "telling of the story of the birth of the world", or not? Tallion said he'd trust DAmaschini, but he was afraid he would leave. Also, there was one more reason why Tallion was hesitant. He didn't say it, he spent like 100 hours trying to explain it, but in the end didn't say it. HE said something about "understanding his position". What position? I felt Tallion just wanted Damaschini to be humble and apologise to him. Or maybe apologise in general.   Nixie would follow TAllion's advice in this case, and I agreed. Tallion knew Damaschini. So if Tallion considered it was fine to tell him, I would follow Tallion because we trust Tallion. And so, we decided to tell Damaschini, once we had a talk with him. He did seem to regret the death of Nerissa, espcially since he wasn't able to talk to her after that letter. It must have hurt a lot. I bet the demons enjoyed that.   As for the rest... We had no qualms. I was a little afraid of Xixi.   But when we gathered them all and told them everything we had learned at the Saphire Fountain... I was amazed. They were not afraid. Nor sad, not really, I think. Or they were a little afraid, afraid of what they should believe in now, at least in the case of those who had believed in completely different things, or in nothing at all (Kelly would arrive too and we would tell her the story).   No man could prepare them for what they found out. I was particularly amazed to see Vas shed a tear. This Hifrist priest's apprentice believed us, and not just us, but the Sylphs who told our story. I felt that. His whole world was turned upside down, but he was ready to believe it. And all of them simply felt ready to continue. This revelation did not weaken then, it strengthened them.   I was worried for Anevys, she was an Elf, but she was not shaken. She simply said she would need a little time to take it all in but now that she knows she will press on. Dillen made some snide comments at Xantinya, but he looked unshaken. Vas and Drenizek said they were honoured to having been told this secret. I knew Drenizek understood fully the importance of us telling them this. He had felt what the Sapphire Fountain was, and now I'm sure he sees things much more clearly...   I was happy that moment. Kelly, poor Kelly, she was turned upside down, I think she went to cry, because I saw glimmers in her eyes as she ran off to some room. But she had a seizure and we had to nurse her back to normalcy... When we did, she told us she had been captured by the police, but she managed to strike a deal with the bartender. Using him as a lawyer (which here can talk to you before you go to prison and advise you on how to handle the police - nice), she got to talk to him. She told him we are the mutations and she struck a deal. The bartender bribed the police for us and we would give him money, enough to cover the price of our heads on the black market. He would also put us in contact with whoever we wanted. A suspiciously nice deal, but I guess he'll make some good money off of us, too. Kelly played us like we were some monstruously powerful mutations, too (using Verfy's testament of strength and Damaschini's bending as examples).   So, here we are. Now we went to our rooms to get some well earned rest. I bet everyone is thinking about today. Such a full day... Ah, I didn't metnion it. Xixi was very very.... all right with the story! She was not mad at Elves. She was happy. She said something about her people's prophecy, that the Teki'ten would be beaten by Xantinya. Or something like that. Now Xixi said it's because the prophecy does not apply to all races. Just like the Elves were the original race and lost the world, now one race, either Elves or Strygians or Men, would not save it from falling apart. But that's because now there are more worlds, and more races, so we need to be united for this to work.   Which makes sense. Lullaby united Men and Elves in the battle for the PRimordial Tree, and when she faced Xantinya she assumed the voices and wills of us all. So there's something to it. This message... Will be for everyone. United we stand. I like it.   I think I'll be able to fall asleep with a small smile on my ugly face. Maybe....   Poor Lullaby. She was there for the story, but I'm sure she hasn't heard it. It's fine, maybe once she wakes up this information will be able to enter her head. If not, at least she was there. She had to be. She's one of us. And we are of her. Isn't she the Teki'ten? Hah. Xixi may be the wisest of us yet.   But before I finally fall asleep, there's something I wanted to write in here.   I am truly amazed at how people have grown in this wretched beautiful journey. I have been saved by their kindness, not once, but today really put things into perspective. I'd hate to die and not be able to express how I truly feel about them, what I truly think of them. So, before Balan takes the last shreds of my sanity away from me, I want to write this down.   I'll get them in no particular order:   Capt'n Nixie: I think Nixie has truly become a captain. Not obvious from the start, but she grew to be a true leader, one we would follow to and through death. But I think she also is starting to understand more about the subtleties and balances of and between feelings and reason. And she's starting to develop a will of her own, a special force, one not like a flame, but like rock: it's not an overflowing, overwhelming, conquering will, it is a steadfast, adamant, reinforcing kind. She was afraid of the fights we had to fight, she was panicked in the face of demons and men. Now, she looks evil in the eye and does not relent. She simply doesn't. It's as simple as that. Don't relent. I did. I cracked. She was unsure of so many things. But once she got sure, she's immovable. I told her as much in my letter to her. I think she will prevail. I may die in this journey, but she won't. If the world CAN be saved, she'll do it.   Verfy: Our fire-warrior was always strong, but I think she's starting to be more open about her weakness, too. She was too afraid to let her guard down, and too afraid of promises and risks others took for her or generally around her. I think that she had a very hard time recently, and I'm not sure i've been supportive enough. But I think that her real strength lies here. She is strong for the ones around her, so much so that I was almost always afraid she'd crack herself. But she's learning to cope and accept her own sadness, her own doubts. I also think she's a driving force for us all when it comes to dead ends. She's the kind of person who will form another path when all roads close. I think she will be the best warrior of light Light could have asked.   Bart: oh, my Bart. I know you didn't watch lewd images of people fornicating while dressed in animal disguises. Whatever you are doing, though, I find it dubious. What are you hiding from me? But letting that aside.... Bart is my everyday inspiration. He was always a lifting presence. But now he himself lifted himself to new capabilities. And his ability to sacrifice has really touched and amazed me... He was a simple tavern bard, a silly little boy, if you like. I still remember how I saw him that day in Marion, when Tallion presented his new companions to me. A fun little bard. Now he's a man. A... a warrior. Not one with swords, but with will and wits and mind. He had talents and wits and he grew them into great virtues. I love you, Bart. Still, you have to tell me what you're hiding. Also... I miss you.. I feel that your growth has often been in spite of me, and I wish I could be there more for you, and with you, while you are growing...   Tallion: Oh, boy. I did not expect Tallion to become the balancing force of our party. But he is. He is what he was meant to be. What Ionolian mages are meant to be. He is determined, he holds his values close to heart, hopes, and is genuine. He does not relent. And he uses the light to chase away the shadows of others. Sure, he's not very wise. Not at all, nor is he very good at actually understanding the intricacies of magic, but... when push comes to shove, he's the one that moves the right piece. He saved the branch. Now, in XY, when we didn't know what to do, he told us, in simple and decisive words, why we should fight, what we should hope and strive for, and that the Almighty is with us. He put it in a way not even Axe-Eve could argue against... Good job, Tallion. I'm proud of you.   Xixi: Hehe, Xixi learning woranian is clearly my greatest contribution to this world. Xixi is a role model. But then again, she always was. But I think even perfect can become perfecter, for Xixi has grown. She actually pays attention to what is happening, and uses her knowledge, because she has it. She is also learning to be kind and accepting to other races. Her hatred for Elves is gone, which is no small thing. Same for "Gaids", haha. I'm sure Xixi will become a wise old priest in the far future, but please don't tell her I said that, dear journal.   Drenizek: I still don't understand how Drenizek keeps going. But I clearly need a lesson from him. Not the other way around. He's still here, protecting us, giving us the push we need, reminding us of the beauties of our world. I sure fear for him, because he always puts himself in harm's way. I still think Drenizek can do much more, though. I realized back then when he had consumption and we talked about the Fountain, I realized Drenizek has an innate feel for the spiritual, one that can get him to incredible heights. I think that if it were not for Nixie he would have never reached that. I gotta say sometimes I feel a little jealous of Nixie, haha.   Dillen: I used to hate Dillen, but that's because he was this rationalist cold-hearted bastard. I think he is past that. And ironically his episode with Drenizek might have played a role. That's the moment I saw him lose his rationality a little. And after that all the events that followed suit broadened his horizon. Now, I feel Dillen is more understanding. He actually gets along with everyone now, even with Verfy, hehe, even with me! And his insufferable cunning and shadiness now serves him well as a pool of talents to be used in his role as spy, thief, black market barter and overall moneymaker of our team. I'm pretty amazed to see Dillen actually reflecting on spiritual stuff. He has grown quite a lot, maybe more than most.   Vas: Vas has become a great doctor, but I think he's also changing his outlook on life and God. And slowly he is growing in power, a kind of power that has to do with understanding the world around him. Vas surely is not very talkative, but he's always there for us, and he is a very kind and gentle soul. I'm sure he will emerge as a true bastion of light in this war.   Isbel: Oh, our princess surely has become a brave warrior. And it's heartwarming to see her get along so well with the crew. Her animosities are over, her wish for revenge, gone. She's now putting her immense energy and will to good, and you can see that. She's very young, but she is on a path to greatness.   Marc: Our simple crewmate has nothing the others have. He's not a great warrior, a powerful mage, a princess, a singer, a moneymaker, an inventor. He has no special skills. He's ordinary. As ordinary as one gets. But somehow, he's not. Nono, he was capable of growing his understanding. He is simple, yes, and does not complicate himself with subtleties and details of what we're doing. But that's the thing. It makes his faith and strength simple and effective. Marc, you have my utmost respect.   As for Kelly and Anevys, we did not have the time of course to see them grow, or actually for KElly we did, she is finally expressing herself and she sees us as her friends. But in her case it's more of me starting to understand her. Oh, I didn't metnion. Yesterday I heard her laugh out loud. When she saw our wanted posters. Then I was angry in general, so I didn't feel zilch. But now the thought of it warms my heart a bit.     May the Almighty have us in His protection, if that still goes.   Note: Balan, you may win yet. But I wrote these things and you can't take them away from me. Right now I feel the anger seeping into my hand and into this pen and onto the paper and I feel I can write the vilest and most horrible of things because of how monstrous I am and can be I will stop before I spit more but....   I am not yet vanquished.

"War, war and stone, slash its iron in their bone" - chant of the Orcish army besieging the great city of Cledon, Xaxoria.   Hello, journal.   Once again i come back to the same place, this wretched pile of paper. Today i thought of something. You ARE useless, aren't you? It's not like you're meant to be read by someone other than me. Aren't you? And me... What will i learn? Will i read it again, ever?   i don't like you. But... once it's started, it's hard to let go. i can't stop writing now, can i? The madness must continue. So i find myself perpetrating the same useless rantings. The same accounts of how we continue on our journey round Xantinya's list of disasters, as the world.... blah blah you know the rest, fill it in with classical Nut-eve stuff, drama and terror.   i'll get right to it, no sense for more smoke-bombs. We went to sleep that night in the Haunted Marshes. Well, we wanted to, but wasps came out of the dark and started buzzing us and even stinging us. i swear i hate wasps. They are wretched creatures of Death and Decay and generally are the bullies of nature. They have the unfettered power to keep attacking without consequence. Just because they like it. And these wasps sure liked to attack us in the middle of the night.   But before that, we had a small discussion on what had happened and we concluded we would go in the morning to open the Gate. Damaschini took this time to introduce himself. Pf. Another spike in the spinning wheel that rotates in my head, every day, every damn moment. Names, ideas, thoughts....   i think i'm getting a bit ill, to be honest.   i wanted to stay and help Lullaby. She doesn't really move much. If i put the food to her mouth, she'll eat. If i put water, she'll drink. If i try to change her clothes, she'll change them. Like a sail in the wind. i tried to look at her more closely. First, i tried to inspect her for wounds or signs of any kind. Maybe Xantinya did something to her. But no, she seems fine, but she does have a pretty huge scar on her left hip (but it looks very old). So, no. At least that. i tried to look into her eyes, as much as I could, see if i can get any sort of response. She's just... there. When the wasps stung her as well, she made no sound. Very, very worrying.   i couldn't sleep thanks to those damn wasps. But there was something else. i don't want to explain it. i don't know how. It's a tale i don't know yet, but one that i feel. i feel cold. i feel coarse. i feel... iron. That's why i got reminded of that very simple Orcish chant. It's almost hypnotizing, if you keep hearing it, sung by tenths of thousands of strong voices, as the city that stood against the Orcish Kingdom for 240 years collapses all over you.   War, war and stone, slash its iron in their bone. My bones hurt. It's vivid. Wonderful picture. A true masterpiece. The sing of the wasps only came to accompany what was already a symphony of metallic death. Like the sound of millions of armor kinks clashing in a cadenced, perpetual march. Uu, do you like my dramatic metaphors? i don't. i just write them because i have nothing else to say about all this.   i'm trying.   Let's see. That night i dreamt something. i was in chains, but i couldn't feel myself. i felt a body and some emotions, but they were not mine, it's as if i was living a scene in a book i was just reading. But it felt real, very real. i saw in front of me two figures, a tall guy with a long staff whose wooden vines defined a circle at the tip, and someone swinging a long, sleek sword. Then, all of a sudden, from somewhere, Lullaby's sword came flying towards me, and i felt i had found myself, and i felt certainty. and i felt a call. Then i woke up.   That surely wasn't me. i don't feel any of these things...   Nixie woke up incredibly well disposed. See, she was already in a weird state of mind before, she seemed determined to go on with opening xy even though she was mad at Lullaby for causing all this trouble. She could've blamed me then, too, for all i care.   i don't care about all this. She dreamt of her demon and beat him in a dream-fight. Good for her. i mean...   Why am i writing this!? i just took a deep breath and read it again. What is happening? No, this can't be me. Even i can't be that bad.......... but there i am. The bottom of the pit. Bravo, eve. Once, you were just Nutty. Now, you are a straight up boulder. Shame on you, whore!   mmmmmmmmmmmm lemme order my mind. So, in hindsight, i was kinda self-absorbed. scratch that, i was downright monstrous. i wanted to be happy for Nixie, because i was glad she got rid of her demon. You see, she had to not just face him, but fight him with all her might, and she trusted in her friends and in the aid of the Almighty, and she received the support of her angel, the one that helped her with this demon before and got defeated. She avenged her defeat at the hands of that scum. Pank is his name, apparently. A nothing-name for a nothing-creature.   Nixie grew a lot during this travel. And she's truly become a great leader. i'm sure she can be even more, and pretty soon too. Somehow, that drab morning, in the middle of nowhere, wasn't that bad. Those sad, mopey faces turned round, everyone was feeling weirdly hopeful. After that disastrous day that was yesterday, after that circus of betrayals, pain, horror and loss.... i saw Verfy and the crew and everyone cheer Nixie, and Dillen and Kelly went to scout the interdimensional-fortress surrounding the interdimensional gate and people seemed almost enthusiastic....   i told them about my dream, to spite this false hope. i'm sick of falsities. The world is a big veil of illusions, then let's bring them down. Why pretend we are better off than we were?? Shouldn't have done that. Should not have done that. At least we got to discuss the dream. We turned to the conclusion that Lullaby was trying to transmit something. i wasn't so sure, though, because it didn't seem like she could transmit anything. She wouldn't know to communicate to us. She was there all by herself, unaware of who is around or what is going on.   That morning we got ready to march into xy dimension. The gates of the fortress were open. Oh, yea. They were waiting for us. Good. We entered, almost strolling around. A huge white wall and towers. A weird structure, wooden planks supporting two very very long swathes of iron, like bars, going underneath the open gate. Inside, a big platform and lots of big machines of metal they call trucks. And an even bigger machine, fully encased in metal armor, called a tank. With a big barrel in front, like those cannons Nixie shot in the Haunted Marshes when we escaped the grip of SAI. Now, we were in the middle of their base. And surrounding us, i saw them. The demons. They moved with our shadows. No, they WERE our shadows. Or, rather, we were them. Fitting. We are but demons shedding immortality and striving in the mud. i'll never accept evil, though. Or have i done so already? i'm worried. i...   But nevermind me. We got to the gate. i'm already bored. do you want to know what happened, future me? You know already, so.... eh, there goes. We wanted to open it, but how? We put Lullaby in the middle. So, the gate was three big stone squares, one in the middle and two skewed ones on the side, in a semicircle. Beneath them, a stone circle with some carvings. And we were all on the stone carvings, but no... There were pictures on the middle stone, pictures of the 8 dimensions that were not ours. But we could not access xy. I took Lullaby's hand and put it on the symbol of xy, a small black spot. I hope she'll forgive me for using her hand like that. But it is what it is. Nothing happened.   So i used the one thing i knew could still reach her: my spirit. That dream... i remember it vividly now, as i did then. Those emotions, strong as they were, left an imprint on me. i could make them resurface. They were not mine, so i could feel Lullaby at that point. And that helped me feel something deep within her. By feeling her feelings deep within me. Complicated. But.... it was so far away. Only a whisper. Enough for Lullaby to press her hand a little. A glimmer. A huge symbol appeared on the big central stone. Damaschini said it's the symbol of the Key. Yes, the sword has the same symbol. Lullaby opened it. The gate to xy. A huge light invaded us from all sides....   And there we were. A night sky was before us, like the night sky on our land.... or not. The lights.... The stars... There were big glimmering stars, glowing in many colours. And on the ground.... gigantic towers rose from all over, covered in lights. Spectacular.... presiding over them was the same moon as our moon, really. But it all felt strange, distant. Cold.   We were in a park. A gate like ours was around us. And trees, and stone steps going downhill, towards the huge towers that glimmered in the night. Was that... glasss? Glass buildings? At least covered in windows. Kelly wasn't all that amazed, though. i heard they have such buildings in the other dimensions, too. Only not so big. Or connected one to another. Or covered in these pulsating coloured lights.   So much light... that's not a night sky, you morons! Ugly, horrible. i wanted back.   But we couldn't. Of course, eve, control yourself! i tried to get into the right headspace. we tried to hide, because someone went to investigate the gate (it must have glimmered - also, Damaschini rose into the sky carrying Verfy and Nixie and some strange lights trapped in some glass thingies flew with him). It was a weird creature, with long head, brown hairless skin and eyes positioned more sideways than in front. A small squished nose and a wide mouth, with two small moustaches at each end like a carp. i'm not joking.   But we started arguing what to do, of course, and more came. this time they were armed. There you go. We wanted to plan our next steps in this dimension we knew nothing about, so we got ourselves caught right away. Bad, eh? Meh. They obviously knew some woranian. It seems common is, well... common to all dimensions. For a reason, i suspect. Just like the moon is the same, but not, that common language sounded foreign.   Another type of creature was among them. Taller, almost like an Elf, sleeker and with some hair. It had orange eyes (beautiful actually) and olive skin, but they didn't seem human. I had a weird feeling from it. It was almost human... but not quite. In any case, they wanted us to come with them. They found out we had no "identification" of any kind. That is, they had no idea who we were, so they had us arrested for not having a paper with our names written in it!? i don't understand how that works. Kelly would later explain they have that in her dimension as well, more or less. Well, in all other dimensions. Everyone has an identity and you can find it from almost anywhere, and you need to prove it. What kind of monstrosity is this!?!?!?! God, never send such a plague on our dimension.   Well, Damaschini the erlagon decided to get violent when they asked for his special chest. You see, Damaschini has this chest in which you can actually enter, like it's an endless bag from the legends. Inside is a beautiful Vedian palace i was actually very interested in. Or might've been. Actually am not. Don't need that kind of stuff right now. Well, anyway, it's actually a "pocket dimension" - a place where the fabric of reality is warped so that a piece of reality is superimposed on another, and you can grow that piece of reality to your heart's desire, creating a secret pocket world, which in this case can be accessed via a chest. Can you imagine that....   eh.   As i said, Damaschini got violent. He wanted to protect the chest, so he bent the matter in the guns those guards that came for us had, and created a clump of metal out of components that they had. The xy-ans got freaked out, obviously. Myself, clearly wasn't expecting such a power from Damaschini. But before we would get attacked, Damaschini calmed down. Good. He got zapped by a lightning coming from a small object one of the guards took out of his sleeve, so.... Even calmer.   We got escorted to a very weird "car". Even i thought that it was a weird-looking car. And i only saw those "cars" in our dimension, in the SAI fortress. Well, details, details. weird xy car, weird xy ride, weird xy corridor, weird xy empty white room where if you shut the door there are no corners or exits or... anything. Just pure white. ANNOYING.   We decided to tell them everything. The reason why we were there. Went about as well as you'd expect. Either crazy or liars, they said. Neither, really. Just.... Gullible.   Gullible to think this makes sense. i am doing it, yes, and i want do continue to do it. i.... i don't know. Sometimes i feel like i write things here that i would never say. But actually i also said some things i'd never thought i would say. We got into a heated debate on the whole situation. First, since we were abandoned there (after saying we were crazy, they stopped talking to us) we decided to try to save Lullaby, but had no idea how. We had to reach her somehow, so we decided to sleep a little and wait for a dream that would clarify more. Maybe Lullaby was trying to reach us in our dreams.   Again, not the case, really, but something was definitely happening with our dreams. i hurdled beside her and off we went to sleep. i don't know, i thought she may get cold. But sometimes i wish she would. Maybe that way she'd wake up and do something.   i....... i don't know how to respond to that. Actually, i do. i'm gonna stop writing. sorry, future me. i... i don't feel so well writing in this journal anymore.   In short, we reached Lullaby, she saved her son, but is still in her cursed state, maybe ever so slightly better. Now we are trying to survive in this dimension, because we want to stay. Yes, we'll stay. Let's see what it will amount to. .................   i apologise to Nixie and to the entire party for being a whore demonic crazy woman and saying ugly stupid things.   sorry Bart

"Do onto the self only the highest Art / So they can't tell you and statues apart" - alleged rime sang by an old servant to the last governor of Alghazia, Gava.   Many of the old jokes are coming back to me. Old jokes told by people long ago, when the world came crashing down on them. I used to memorise a lot of such "wise quips" because I found them funny and because it fit well with my overall cynical bearings. You know, dear journal, how much I loved to play the part of harsh ironies, fiery tongue, if you will. I always liked being satirical, if only a bit. So, the quotes came in handy.   Today, I feel almost the same, even if I'm inside the quote, now. As you may say, I love drama. I don't, actually, love it. I just feel everything with an unhealthy intensity. My father used to say I'm "affected". Theatrical. Because in theatres in order to be able to convey complex emotions to people in just a few lines, with just a couple of gestures, you need to compensate for the lack of time with an increased intensity. But why would intensity be only for theatres? If people want to use more of their mind, the same goes for emotion, right? The more of something you use, the more... you, you are. Goes for brains, heart, muscles, even. I'd like to be the fullest version of me possible. That's why I'm "affected". Wouldn't it be a waste to be anything less? Sure, hate me for it, dear journal, God is witness that I hate it myself, but I also think its advantages, in the end, outweigh the cost. Only by investing can you have a return. Only by giving it all you have can you understand the world around you.   But who am I to understand the world around me? I'm no one. You don't have to be someone. Only to want to become. If we don't understand (and I mean understanding not in a purely rational or analytical way, I mean true, complete understanding), then what are we even doing. That is why I was and am so devastated now. I don't understand. I thought I began to see something, but I lost it. Remember that revolt? Yeah, happened one day ago, so. It still scours me, night and day.   The Alghazian verse was supposed to be ironic because it is the strive for excellency that ruined Gava, and also what made them indifferent to the horror of necromancy. Or, rather, to any solution to counter it. Ionolians felt like statues too. The entire world was frozen in place by this strive to implode, to isolate, to stop prying, stop trying.   I don't want to become a statue, dear journal. I still hear Sea's kind words. She wants us to be noisy. Oh, boy, do I plan to be noisy. But, somehow, now I feel the need for some quiet.   Although little time has passed since my last entry, a lot has happened, and things are in motion which exceed my pathetic musings. So, I should get to that. As you remember, dear piece of paper that has no memory other than mine (I am being so silly today - focus, Eve!) we were left to regroup in Legondol, with the PRimordial Beech destroyed and Bajid dead. We hardly talked. The girls I think had a discussion with Kelly. I'm glad she stayed with us. Back then, she risked her life to face Xantinya, even if the logical choice would've been to join them. She had all the reasons, but I guess some of Sea's grace did get to her. Our little angel has great powers, greater than demons. Sure, demons can trick you into stupidities, or make you destroy something. I wanna see them try to create anything, though. Even the smallest creation trumps the greatest of destructions.   If you want some philosophical banter spread on top of this journal-bread, I may add that the above statement is obvious even in the realm of physics. Great Ordinator Laminan wrote that the energies of this world are slowly inclined towards chaos, that no matter how much we try, energy is lost on the way, that is why a perpetual motion machine can't be built. But energy is created with each new magical aura, i.e. each new soul and being. But, yes, it's easy to waste, hard to create, in the physical world. All the more in the world of the mind.   See, dear journal, that's the kind of thing that sounded logical to me until very recently. It still sounds. Why am I writing this!? I... I almost feel normal while doing so. Maybe it could jumpstart some memory that would enlighten me. I'm as lost as I was this morning. Uh, forget about it. I won't understand. This world is just a Hell with some nice illusions sprinkled on top, and knowledge is one of its prettiest illusions.   I even forgot my idea on the way, I was telling something. About Kelly, yes, she's with us, somehow, and very confused about it herself. Eh, no matter. I feel as lost as she is, to be honest, which shows exactly what my faith is worth. 0. Zilch. But getting past that... We were all absorbed in our attempts to help the Elves. At some point, the king called us in his chambers. Nixie and Tallion told him about the branch... Hm. The branch. Poor Elves. As if glimmers of hope are in any way less sadistic than total defeat. I know, I'm a bit too intense even for me. Or rather, cynical. I never was a true cynic, but I loved ironies. Now, I truly feel like all this is futile. As I said, I revolt. I don't just accept it. I hate it and revolt, but think that it is how it is. My revolt is.... Ah, screw my revolt. You know what, dear journal? Screw my thoughts and feelings. They are demonic bullshit anyway. I don't deserve to put them on paper. Let's focus only on others and on what happened.   So, erasing all the above, we were in the king's chambers, and we told him about the branch, and asked him what to do. He decided to give the branch to us, for safekeeping. The king looked devoid of life already. Poor him. He fought bravely and sacrificed everything for that one stand against the Ikain. All for nought... The.... no, no revolt, Eve, focus. There he lay, thanking us, and then... he died....... No one expected that. We left, tear-eyed, at least I was........   I was tired, we all were, but there was no time for rest. We had to regroup. I wanted to check on Lullaby, but it seems Damaschini went the same way as I. He entered the room where we put her and tried to see if she responded to anything. She didn't. I didn't dare enter, I don't feel in any way prepared or worthy to cheer anyone up. Or help them in any way.... Speaking of, I looked at the rest. Poor Nixie...... Not only is she responsible for us, now she is responsible for the branch as well, all this while having the knowledge of the Beginning of the World on her shoulders, and the realisation that the Beech tree is dead.... the pain and anguish we all felt, but combined with all that responsibility and all that while being an Elf caught in this tragedy... She is very strong. I'm beginning to see that thing I sensed Drenizek admires her a lot for: our captain is adamant.   Speaking of, Drenizek was in dreadful condition. He didn't even want to rest, he helped us with the wounded, but he was worse than everyone. I mean, he literally came back from the dead. I barely heard him talk, and he clearly isn't feeling well. But he still seems to only try and help out. God he's stubborn. And the rest are just lost... Most would want to say something but... What? Dillen, Vas, Isbel, Marc are all silent as the grave. Bart barely said anything. Verfy, usually so keen to raise spirits, was probably the only one, with Tallion, still clinging to something. Tallion really strikes me as very hard to truly shake. I'm not sure if he just ignores things, doesn't ask questions or whatnot, but he just continues going. Not the same way as Nixie, though. His position is better, too. But his little branch did give some hope to Nixie, I saw, and I appreciated that.   Finally, after a little rest (which I used to write my Revolt) we decided to meet up with the interdimensionals who came through the glyph for Lullaby and Bajid. There were 6 of them. A former lich (!) Jevyan, who is really an undead, but he renounced evil. A master of some kind who bears no name but calls himself the Guardian. Reinar, who uses a spear. Andirs, who uses a sword. Selda, who was a pirate, and Marnas, whom they call "the dictator". They all went to see how Lullaby was doing so we wound up all in her room. The crew couldn't resist the urge to eavesdrop.   The Guardian was their leader, it seems. He asked coldly what had happened. We told them. He was not glad about the xy thing Xantinya mentioned. Oh, no. We had discussed before between ourselves that it looked like we had to open the gate. I must confess, at the time I couldn't think a lot. I just agreed with opening it. I won't.... I can't stop doing what I was doing so far, even if I don't see the sense it in any more. I mean, if we act to save a life, is it going to be worth? It seems no, there's no worth on Earth, so... No, eve, you insolent nut, who doesn't deserve capital letters on her name, shut up. I was actually glad we seemed to be in this agreement. Well, it wasn't a very complex talk.   The interdimensionals, however, had other opinions. The Guardian wanted to keep xy shut. It seems every dimension has a weird Death-Tower like the one in Haj et Laon, and that Xantinya is readying for the opening of xy. We can't know for sure, but it will have a big negative impact. Well, we know, of course. We know who's waiting there..... Probably for eons. But...Eh.   Verfy, Tallion and Nixie were very compelling in defending the opening of xy. Nixie argued that opening xy might just be the way to go forward anyways, since the gates between dimensions exist for a reason. I mean, maybe, or maybe that's the leftover of how the dimensions were created in the first place.... I didn't care about the gates that much. I just wanted to save someone's life... But truth be told, I think that as it stands we can't stop the End of the World without involving, well.... all the world. So, Nixie has a point there. Verfy argued on the emotional level that they should save Rafil's, and Lullaby's, lives. And Tallion was mostly trying to combat the interdimensionals' arguments. Which can be summarized as "we don't want to risk anything, xy will destroy us, Xantinya can't have this last advantage, we have sacrificed a lot to protect the world, we are ready for more sacrifices". Cold hearts claiming they sacrifice something.   Except Jevyan. The lich was actually very, very angry at the rest for thinking like that. He wanted to help Lullaby. But the Guardian was adamant, and that Reinar guy was a straight-up asshole. I waited, and felt what could soon happened. I wasn't surprised, then, when the Guardian announced what solution they envisaged: they would kill Lullaby. That way, xy would never be opened. Problem............. solved.   See? Maybe it's this, that jumpstarted my heart back. Weirdly. Maybe there's something to it. The sheer monstrosity of these "Defenders" of the world. That's the alternative. Is our way futile? If it feels so good compared to this? Nixie claimed they were unreasonable, but rationally they had a point. Isolating the dimensions would help. Plus, xy should not be involved in the first place. It's not like Lullaby likes to be Xantinya's toy. Obviously, Xantinya would never let it to us to decide all this had she not known that one way or another she will get what she wants, but maybe her "main" plan is to use Lullaby, so we could at least delay her by killing Lullaby and... see!?!?!?!?!! IT'S THIS KIND OF CHESSPLAY ATTITUDE I DESPISE THE MOST. We are not goddamn scribbles of ink on a map, or wooden pieces on a chessboard. That's how these mighty interdimensionals see the world! That's how XANTINYA sees the world. Screw that.   We tried to reason with them. Most horrifying of all, this discussion was all being carried out IN FRONT OF LULLABY, who just lay there, motionless, unable to defend herself or stop anything. She did get up at some point, I was surprised. She took the glyph and put it on the bed, near her. I could feel that she went for the glyph out of pure instinct. There was no thought there. I don't think she hears anything, I mean, her ears hear, but her mind doesn't register it. It's as if you'd put a wall around your mind. All the pieces of information like sound and such would end up at the gates, waiting forever. I think the others were quite frustrated she didn't say anything. They can't see how she's suffering? Exactly! She's so calm and motionless BECAUSE she collapsed!!! I can't even say if it's better to be like that or to be left to feel everything at once. She might lose her child that way, so.... At least like this they both are safe, for now.. But........... I don't know.... Will she ever recover?.... I'm worried for her. I don't know her, much, at all, really, but... She came to our aid, even though she had her problems, her child to take care of.... she fought, for God's sake, fought for us while pregnant, endangering everything she holds dear for us! Her child, her husband, her country even, cause she had to leave it for a while... And I saw her fighting with Xantinya... what I believe of it, I don't know now... then, I felt something hopeful. Now..... eh. Still, she is a good person, truly, so I won't abandon her.   If they don't want to take in this burden, I will. No qualms with that, really. I'll take care of her.   So, shouting how we should or should not kill her was.... about the worst think I've seen, wait, I can say that about at least 3-4 things that happened today alone. Oh well..... Tempers flared, swords were drawn and..... Jevyan positioned himself between the rest and Lullaby. He was ready to defend her. We wanted to do the same, but... Jevyan started talking weird. His skin shed like the illusion it was, revealing his skeletal, monstrous, body, with purple glimmers in the skull. This powerful lich surrounded himself with magic and proclaimed that he had been the lich they knew him to be all along, and that he waited for the inevitable rule of Xantinya. He pushed us aside and fought the interdimensionals, who, enraged, went to attack him. Well, the dictator actually had a moment of doubt, but they convinced him to follow suit.   I think Jevyan was just trying to distract them, but, boy, did he act well. I almost believed him. If it were not for how his magic dispersed. Eh, bookworm antics, eve. See, dear journal, the logic of dark arcane is in its unfettered nature. You release it and it goes to consume, corrupt, destroy. Its dispersion is always strong, if not checked in by a purifying factor, which usually for necromancers is either a conduit (xenatine, blood etc.) or an extreme will to some direction, which is compulsory to be a destructive will (So you can cast the spell to begin with). So, when Jevyan unleashed his arcane bolts, he did it sideways and in the front, but not behind him. Which would be impossible for a necromancer like him to do with normal dark arcane.   He was protecting us.   We reacted quickly. We had to get in the glyph. We hurried our crewmen, but.. oh, the fight.... The ceiling dropped on us. Huh, that entire side of the castle was falling. Jevyan increased in size, ever more powerful, as he struck down with lightning bolts of dark blue arcane on the five interdimensionals. They were... friends? Before this? Hardly possible. They actually thought of him as a servant of Xantinya. The fight was.... immense. And they were destroying Legondol, the bastards, as if it hadn't gone through enough. I understood Jevyan. There was no way to stop them. The three strongest ones (guardian, spear and sword) were far stronger than him, together. So he had to go all out. And they went all out too. At least be more considerate.... when being a murderous group of traitors hellbent on "protecting" the world by "sacrificing" others. myeah, what did I expect.   We went into the glyph, as that Reinar guy created a massive lance in his hands, kilometers, long, not exxagerating, swinging it above its head, almost creating tornadoes, and striking Jevyan with it. They all attacked at once, just as Tallion rose into the sky to assist? I think???? I went in. Seconds later, Verfy appeared. A couple of seconds later, Tallion emerged, shouting "destroy it!" So we quickly crushed the glyph.   Where are we now? Well, the other end of the glyph. Which is where Gilders had left it when he first came. Near the INterdimensional Gate, which is in the Haunted Marshes. Yea, we're in the Haunted Marshes now. Quite a ride...   Tallion told us he teleported to the rune on our ship, before using the glpyh. He found that the deck itself had been torn apart from the ship and placed in a weird big hall. The Guardian followed his teleport so he had to use the glyph. Tallion was devastaed, we all were. We didn't expect this to happen. I mean, how cynical do you have to be? These guys were POWERFUL, I mean truly powerful. Allies such as these are almost impossible to find in any dimension. And now they're enemies. Because.... Because.....   Not all those who are strong are right. More often than not, they are the wrong ones. Maybe we should seek allies elsewhere....? I don't know. What are we to do, now? But go forward.... The Guardian and the other two want to protect the world by sacrifice. What about protecting every person you come across? That's easier to do. And more effective. And through that, the world may be saved. Otherwise, it's just... monstrosity. Well, now here we are in the marsh, reeling in from all this. Alone, more alone than ever. Lost, more lost than ever. Hanging by a thread. We were supposed to fight Xantinya, but she defeated us. Our allies are dead, gone, or turned into enemies. The few friends we had left (the Elves, the Woranians led by Sylvia Halvel) are now hundreds of leagues away. Thousands maybe. We are back here in the wilderness, far away from the threat, far away from Vaneolin, which we tried to protect....   The kingdom of Vaneolin is dead, the king had proclaimed. There was no kingdom without the Beech Tree. But the Elves still live. We HAVE to protect them, right!? Well... till then, we have a job to do.   I won't let Rafil or Lullaby die. None of us will. For that, we shall do it. Let loose the dogs of Hell. We shall open it, the last dimension. The last remaining gate. The realm of Death, eh. The opening of the realm of Death, which will bring Death upon all the world, is that what you mean, Xantinya? The Gate is here, nearby. I can feel this already. Xantinya must be laughing all the way. Good for her.   I will NEVER be a statue.   Now that I think of it.... The Great Sylph told the Ikain that they don't know real Death. Hm.....  

"History is linear. Histories, however, are circular" Ventyr Manteks, in his On the Ael Velle   Dear journal,   This should not start with "I", as many entries here seem to do. It's supposed to be my journal, yes, but there's little room left for me, really. We are witnessing ... I don't even know what.   First of all, the Primordial Tree, for which we fought, fell. After all our fight, after all we did, it fell, and we couldn't stop it.   It kind of puts things into perspective. When I first set out on this journey, my mind was filled mostly with how badly I hated my situation, how annoying Tallion was, how guilty I felt, and less so with what was going on around us. Sure, I was worried and afraid. I believed Tallion's words. I understood what they could mean. But human minds only go so far. As we progressed, we learned more and more. We found the Place where It all began. We saw the start, we understood the motivations, perhaps, of some of the players. At least part of these motivations. Then, at first slow, then quickly, we got to learn the face of this Change, the fiery seal with which the world's book pages were to be bound. With every dragon fire, every destroyed island, every dead man or Elf, every undead army, we felt it rise, like shadows and mist in the night, but fast and engulfing like a great fire. To the point we fought behind a gigantic Beech Tree that came to life because it was actually an Essence Bearer. I kept increasing my understanding, I kept sensing more and more of this impending power.   I can't stop thinking about that great conflict, that great divide at the beginning of all things. As then, so now. As above, so below. And as above Earth, so below in Hell, for that seems to be their game.   I am sorry, dear journal, if I'm being all over the place, incoherent and generally metaphorical today. I'm tired, very, very tired. Not that I complain. I shouldn't. Well, I am tired, can't hide that. I shouldn't be, though. If I am tired, then the entire world is exhausted. If I go to sleep, the entire world might as well follow me. No, I can't go to sleep.   I try to motivate myself in such ways, dear journal, for these are my Nutcase ways. I almost tried to make myself smile, if only with a corner of my mouth, but to no avail. I'm sorry. We all desperately need a smile, I think. Dear Sea, I know yo... what do I mean, you're probably crying too...   I want to pray, but not to the Almighty. It is not the Almighty I call for now. I don't want war now, I don't want a fight. Fights will come, the war I'll continue, together with the rest, under the banner of our dear captain. I.... I need Ftheis. I need my Creator, our Creator, our beloved Creator, whom we've forsaken thousands of times in our minds, in our words, in our deeds, day by day... Who sticks with us and still loves us, and only asks of us to love back. It's us who have to believe this, yes, and hope it amounts to something. It's not that hard, on paper.   I bet all those people reading the simple fairytales are like: "It's not hard to be good. Just do what is common-sense".   I severely beg to disagree. I severely beg to disagree!!! Common-sense is pure and utter bullshit! You heard me. Bullshit! Not very ladylike, fuck that. I had enough of this. Now I'm angry! How can people believe in common-sense, rationality, logic, and other words such as these, when it comes to THIS!?   I have lived through this journey, somehow. People stronger than me died. They didn't deserve to, maybe, what do I know. Deserve.... As if someone arbitrarily draws tickets "you live", "you die". You don't know. All your choices get you somewhere. And then, there's the choices of others. Who might get you killed.   What happens when common-sense saves someone, but Good kills him?   That is when faith, love, hope, all that, gets thrown away into the trash, and you wonder, what in the name of Heaven, Earth and the bloodiest of Hells am I supposed to make of that!?!?! Where's Good, where's Evil? It's not like we don't see them. They're in the exact same place. But then... Why does THIS still happen? Is it rational? Logical? Common-sense?   What? Should we all become cold assesors of utility and fight like that? Sure, go for that. but.... where will it get you? THE EXACT SAME SPOT.   This is not a prayer, I know. It's a letter of revolt. Yes. I revolt. This time it's for good. I'm not a damsel upset at her slightly uncomfortable life. I'm not revolting for myself, really. Nah, to Hell with me.   I revolt because this is sick. This is too sick. I don't even know who the receiver is, really. Is it Ftheis? I revolt against God? Wouldn't be the first. A big shiny star did it way before me. Or anyone else. As above, so below.   Maybe I do. Because I believe He doesn't love us? I do. Have I lost faith in Him? I don't know that, actually. Maybe. What about hope? Hope in what? Hope needs an address, like a letter. You can't send a letter "out". What should I hope for? I hoped to save the Beech Tree, now the Tree is dead, dead, dead! I hoped that at least not saving it would come from Evil. What did it come from? The grief of Love, of all things!?   Is Xantinya right, is Love a weakness? I must be getting weaker then. I didn't feel like it. Despite all my ramblings in my journal, I felt stronger by the day, so no, she can't be right.   But I lost track. So, this is a letter of revolt. And yes, it is against... no, it is against the Almighty. Against the God who ordains us. Against this order. What order? There's no order! We have no order here! Good is Evil, Evil is even more Evil, everything is Evil! We have to choose, yes? BUT IF ALL CHOICES ARE EVIL, WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE LEFT?????   It is an illogical, irrational, outlandish in any sense and sensitivity, it is simply HELL.   As above, so Below! AS on Earth, so is Hell! As they rule in Hell, so Xantinya rules on Earth! Hail her Rule!   Why am I revolting? Why!? Remember that Beech Tree we saved, dear journal? Yea, we saved it. Then, we went to inspect something the Sylph felt in the vicinity of Legondol. We all went there, well, just us and the crew and such, and we stumbled upon a circle of weird runes. They were clearly not of Ionolian-Gavan script. I was amazed to find such a thing, unsettled, actually. Who would care such runes there? They clearly were new. I mean, there weren't any runes there before, we could assume... Someone had written them. But who writes runes in a non-Ionolian-Gavan script!? Clearly not our people, so.... We had few guesses left, and none looked alright.   Obviously, by the time we wanted to head back or steay back, the rune was already beneath us. We knew, then, that something incredibly bad was about to happen. I felt a very hot breath blow over us. I had sensed it only once before. I turned white. I knew, but couldn't mutter.... I didn't have to. In a second, an invisible veil was broken, and then I saw a red dragon staring right at us, a few meters in front. Surrounding us...... the entire Ikain host.   We panicked a bit, but braced our weapons. We were tired, exhausted actually, and many of us were heavily injured. But we were ready. We had fought until then. We had strength. We had.........   The dragon's head bowed, and we saw on top several figures. Some teleported immediately to the ground, leaving just a girl with yellow eyes, wielding two black scythes, breathing black fires like Damaschini's, but glowing purple, from a set of large xenatine crystals encrusted in the hilt. I've never seen such a monstrous pair of weapons before, nor have I seen a more distressfully dehumanized look on a child's face. Yellow eyes like the eyes of a shark, or cougar, not like the eyes of a man. 'Twas not their colour, but the intensity, the gaze of a huntress stalking its prey. And a hint of... madness. A purple glow to them.   The figures materialized before us. There were three guys I've never seen before, yeah, but in the middle, arising out of a large and incredibly white glow... Yes, a glow so white, but.... Not pure white. A white so strong, it burned you, it blinded you. Out of it emerged HER. The epitome of all we've faced, the fear we've all had, the Enemy we've been waiting and which we've been dreading. Xantinya.   I could tell it was her just from that light. But she struck me immediately as exactly how I should've imagined her. I couldn't have imagined her before. All attempts were futile. The real deal was exactly right. I could see that, after I saw her. She was more beautiful than any woman I've ever seen, more gracious, more refined.... Everything about her was pure beauty, haunting, mesmerising, enthralling. Her eyes glowed slightly, in their purple gaze, and I could see each irisation of her iris, like tiny xenatine crystals bundled together, piercing each and every one of us. Her smile, small and sly, hidden across a pair of full red lips, was almost playful, almost captivating.   But, in fact, only one feeling would coarse through your mind, only one thing you could feel: horror. Her beauty was the beauty of a desolate Iziper, her smile was a kiss of the last dying leaf falling upon winter's coarse ground, her eyes were the purple stones of a fallen crown in a feast of crows, her posture was that of an obsidian statue carved for empires long lost, her hands were strings of a violin whose song would only be heard by the dead. There was nothing she could do to emulate any kind of pozitivity.   It struck me then, the curse of demons. No matter how strong they are, no matter how much they try..... They respect all the rules.... All the beauty is, theoretically, there.... No... no matter how much they try, they are ugly without our Creator.   Good cannot be retaken, can it? I will ask You again. But now I have to tell my story.   We stood back. I felt the blood freeze in my veins. I looked around. Nixie might've gulped, but she met Xantinya's gaze with an equally scornful one. She didn't flinch. Bart was more serious than I've ever seen him. HE didn't flinch. Tallion, Verfy, everyone was unflinching. The Sylph herself looked unsurprised, but determined.   Xantinya then smiled and adressed... Damaschini, of all people. She laughed at him, for being there, all alone. I saw that yellow-eyed girl disappear off the back of the dragon. I knew she was Miyun, the one Damaschini took in as his daughter. But Damaschini had eyes for Xantinya and Xantinya alone. He faced her words with some of his own, but Xantinya didn't care about him, in the end. As she said it. Maybe all she wanted was make him feel out of place.   She then turned to us, but suddenly I saw her smile widen, and I got a massive tremor in my body. That smile.... It was the smile of victory. Back then, I didn't know. Now I do. She knew everything. And she was happy she saw it.   Because that moment Lullaby, Bajid, Gilders and Ghighi entered the rune. They had been a little delayed on the way, they came to follow us, we didn't really wait for them at first for some reason, we were in a hurry to see what the Sylph had detected. Now, they entered the circle, and Lullaby immediately drew her sword and a piercing, but bold and pleasant light invaded the circle. Xantinya signalled her "interdimensional" goons to attack us and she welcomed Lullaby.   I couldn't move. Xantinya materialized a three-pointed lance out of thin air, and I saw in it a power I could not foresee. I felt it. She had joked before. Her appearance, her words, it was show. Now she was serious.   And when she disappeared into thin air, my eyes and my mind couldn't find her. She came like lightning from the sky, hitting Lullaby, but she blocked her blow, and all of us were blown away not by winds or by shockwaves, but by the sheer will of those two.   I saw Ghighi engage one of the interdimensionals, and Bajid and Gilders blocked the path of another who might have tried to get involved. We were left with the third one. We tried our best, but he had a mastery over the plains of reality we didn't. Damaschini seemed to know something. Maybe Tallion also knew something, but he went in a corner and just closed his eyes. I could feel he was doing something, I couldn't tell what at the time.   As we were fighting, we could her Xantinya's continuous laughter. But alas, it was a bit strained, as she clashed with Lullaby several times. I could feel the sound of some effort coming from her voice, from around her words. It was an actual fight. We couldn't even intervene, there was this circle of such high spiritual power that none of us could physically move into that space. I heard Xantinya mention that Lullaby's father had not committed to the path of stopping her and the End of the World, even if he had a book that could have explained it. That he chose to die foolishly defending his country. To which Lullaby answered that by holding his ground, not fleeing, not relenting, he made it possible for her to be who she was, for her people to never bow their heads and to be free, in the end, and that she feels only admiration for it.   It sounded so logical back then, a few hours ago, didn't it? As she said this, she pushed Xantinya aside, and then Xantinya attacked again, but Lullaby did not flinch. She then proclaimed that Xantinya would never be queen, and I heard not one, not two, but many voices, all in one phrase, all in one spirit.   As I glanced towards that circle, I could see Lullaby but she wasn't just Lullaby anymore, but each fraction of a second I saw a different silhouette, even MINE! I was so shocked I almost forgot I was in a fight myself. We had to beat this weird interdimensional who rewrote rules as to catch our bodies one into the other and the such... Damaschini managed to injure him with an Elvish blade, which also had a fish's head on it. We tried our best, but he was still one step ahead of us. The Sylph in the meanwhile was wrestling the dragon. She didn't want to outright kill him, which I found interesting then. Now I just don't know...   We fought. We fought like lions, all of us, we gave it all. We fought, till I heard, till we all heard a wretched gunshot. Then I felt it. The Evil. Oh, yes. The Evil was so inconspicuous. We all turned around, because we all felt something horrible had happened.   It was Bajid. Bajid's body, falling on the ground, with blood flowing from his shot heart. And as he fell, right behind him, the Brother. Gilders. Holding his gun, with his last bullet, which he'd saved for this very moment.   It was again. I could see it. In the small pool by the flower fields. And also in those illustrated books on the genesis of man. The Crime. The Great Crime.   Histories are circular, aren't they. We all wind up in the same place. So much for choice!!!!!!!   Dead! Dead! AS dead as he could be! Immediately, we felt a tremor. Xantinya laughed with such pleasure, I could only feel pity, in my shock. How can someone be so evil, and exist? And breathe? And think!? She REJOICED, she was happy, so happy! She saw Lullaby turn around and run towards Bajid. In the shock, I'm sure she didn't think he was dead yet. She still tried to keep an eye behind on Xantinya, but she was too distracted. The moment she saw him closer, she probably felt that he was, indeed, dead. That second, Xantinya had it all. The runes suddenly glimmered, creating a sphere of arcanic bolts, crimson red and corrupting, which all then converged into Xantinya. This hate-filled creature then burst a huge wave, like a claw, grasping at Lullaby and breaking something within, as Lullaby cried out in a pain I could feel on my very soul, like a knife scratching deep within your body, slowly tearing you apart. She collapsed near Bajid and took a hold of him, starting to cry, for now she realised all.   Xantinya had just used all that power to mark her child's death. Not yet, not yet, because Xantinya wanted something. A.... dilemma of choice. Choice! Again! To choose, for Lullaby, between vengeance or death. Or, between the death of her child, and the possible end of all, the end of the world!!! The opening of xy, the last unopened dimension, the dimension where Xantinya's son awaits, with legions of Elves cursed with undeath.....   I knew it, I felt it, the culmination, the greatest note on the partiture, it was there. Xantinya sang it with Lullaby as her bloody instrument. I felt utter disgust. I wanted to rush in and do something, but the sheer power around Xantinya and within that circle, flowing into her, was.... immense... It was Lullaby's own soul, torn against itself, torn against her baby child, against us, torn against its very fabric and its very Creator! How could it be allowed!?!   Xantinya then released it all. All of it. On the Primordial Tree. And pulverised it........   She told Lullaby she had a choice. Go for revenge, but she wouldn't do that. Then sit there, and wait for her child to die, as her own power was used to twist the realm of death around her child so that it would die before it could get born.... Or.... go to xy, open it, sacrifice all to save her child. Lullaby was crying, but she surely listened. Then, Xantinya said "good job, Zarkuz" and threw him to someplace else. Same for Gilders. She threw Ghighi into the sky, with powers akin to that of a god rather than of a man. She then disappeared herself, laughing, ever laughing....................   I had little time to think then. I was still shocked and saddened. I tried to recollect. Tell someone something. But who? I wanted to say something about the Tree, but what? The Elves... they were devastated. Nixie had no glimmer left. Her defiance... destroyed. The Sylph no longer shone like waters in the morning. She was now pale and distant. Fading....................... Fading!!! The Elves had been distant, yes, Almighty, yes, but not like this! Not now when they crossed swords with humanity when all Life was threatened! What choice did they have!? I don't understand!!   Lullaby... I can't talk about it. It's not right. No one should endure so much pain. No one. I don't know. When you feel a lot, like... a lot! Then any suffering is increased tenfold. The same loss can be felt a tenfold by someone like this. And she is like this. Plus....... How can you tie the fate of the world to the fate of this one child you have, this one soul you're responsible for....? She had just lost so much.... and would stand to lose so much more just for the world to... to what?   Xantinya is winning anyway. The perversity.... The evil! The .... gross. Gross. I hate demons with all my heart. I hope they will never, ever, see any glimmer of light, of hope, of anything. They deserve pain, so much, so, so much..........   But this isn't about the demons. I'd expect nothing less, really, maybe I didn't have imagination, but that's on me. As for Gilders and Zarkuz and other useful idiots, I don't care about them....   Oh, interdimensionals who were with Lullaby showed up and saw all this and said we need to talk. Out of all, the ex-lich Jevyan seemed the only one who was actually shaken by Lullaby's suffering and Bajid's death. These guys will probably come with more common-sense and logic and rationality and Good and Evil and............   Why? Here's my revolt. Here it is. Why? Why do we have choices, if choices all converge into one big soup, where Good leads to Evil, Evil leads to Evil, nothing leads to Evil, something leads to Evil, where Love is transformed to kill, where Love is weak, where Hope is stupid, where Hope is treacherous, where it betrays you!?   Can Lullaby be guilty for trusting Zarkuz to get her here, even if it was Xantinya's plan all along? Can Bajid be guilty of it!? For what? Trying to see the Good in everyone? Wasn't it what we were supposed to be!??!!   Now Lullaby has nothing. I saw her. She imploded. Nothing. To save her child, probably, somehow, instinctively, she shut down. She's almost like she's dead. Nothing can get to her. If anything were, probably the emotions and pain would kill her child. But like this, she herself is... gone.... I cant' blame her. It's not like she chose anything right now...   It's not like we chose this, either. Isn't this our cause, God? Isn't this!? Weren't we supposed to do Good? No? Were we supposed to beat Evil with Evil? That never worked either! So, you're telling me.....     All this time....................   The End was always coming, and we just had to showcase some morality before it inevitably fell to Xantinya?   Oh, yes, we await Heaven, eh? Why? Cause our actions led to death and misery! What? Are you going to forgive Lullaby for opening XY, or us, for that matter!? What, is it a good deed or a bad deed? No? Neither?   Then what is this whole world about.   What is this whole world about!!!!!!!   I demand an answer! I have no right to receive it, but by damn I demand it! I will die and burn in Hell anyway, like Lullaby thinks she will. I'll join her, I guess. We all will, apparently.   Great design for this world, one major flaw: it can only self-distruct.   And most of all, instead of at least just ending it, Xantinya let us live, to mock us. Yes. Maybe I'm doing the demons' work here, revolting. Bah. Fine. I don't care what demons want me to do. I'll do it because I want to do it. I may be sinning, or being straight up evil, but why pretend. This is what I feel. Maybe one day I'll look at this with amusement and some horror. I still cling to that hope, or at least have it somewhere. Hah. I'm revolting, but I never overthrow, I guess.   I won't stop now, though. I am in full revolt. Antyar, or Hyan? Once again, we repeat the same question, now for us all. What are we? Why must it be so grey? Where's the truth that was supposed to be here? I don't understand. Illien the Great said God lives even in the Desolation of Iziper. But what does he know? He only failed. Like us. We repeat his cycle, and the cycle of all, from the first idiot who murdered his brother.   It's not that I don't feel loved or something, or that I feel that this is unfair. What is unfair? I've judged death and life according to a greater plan, to God's wish to let us choose and to help us reach our intended destination, hopefully at His side.   But I no longer see that road. Where is it? I wish I could take it.       I miss Ftheis. Where can I find Him.   Also, I will never speak of this to any of them. I'm not that stupid. I can't help but feel these feelings now, but if I tell them, they might feel them too, and I know they shouldn't. I will get past this, one way or another.   Rest in peace, Bajid, Primordial Beech. Us, we won't rest. We are doomed to keep marching. Bullshit. Utter bullshit.   Once again, I revolt! Strike me down with the rest of them! But I want to know what this whole shit-show is! As Above, so Below!

"If thinking is living, forgetting is killing" - Great Ordinator Vares Narbon, first line of his inaugural speech at the Xth Council   Dear journal,   I'm in the middle of a gigantic battlefield that only now is starting to calm down. I am tired, but I'm really excited to write in here lest I forget. I don't want to forget.   I have just remembered this quote from Narbon, and it struck me as very telling for what is going on here today. Well, these days. The world shouldn't forget what is going on here. I'm glad Nixie writes a book on all our adventures. I'm also glad it's Nixie doing it; i'd do such a terrible job, can you imagine Eve Parion writing an honest, balanced, coagulated account of facts and adventures? Haha. Ha ha ha.   In any case, I would like to go tend to the wounded, so I'm gonna be a little more brief than perhaps the case. As you recall, we were in Faen, discussing our next steps and discussing Zarkuz, the four-eyed weirdo who had just showed up. That morning we met again, all of us, and decided on going north, towards Legondol, on our own. The Enneth Elves would stay behind, except Elder Aosthen and the kind Elyra. It was an ominously rainy and drab day, but we wanted to hurry.   Bajid and the crew took charge of the preparations for the journey. The Elves gave us clothes, food, water and horses. Bajid arranged for a covered carriage for Lullaby to stay in, as she can't ride at this point. She was very apologetic for it but she shouldn't have been. I would never let her ride. She has to be careful. She's doing enough for us already, anyway.   Seeing her made me think a little about the future. She and Bajid are such a close couple. I saw them when we were preparing the horses for the ride, and they had a moment alone. They kissed like there was no tomorrow. Bajid then gave her pillows and the such for her to sit more comfortably in the carriage. They're nice. No, I'm not blushing, journal, it's called BURN MARKS from ROIB.   But she is only 4 years older than me. Maybe in 4 years' time I'd already have a child. You think? Too soon to think about this in the middle of a huge world-altering war? I don't know. Her little Rafil is almost like a beacon of hope to me. There is life created, and love to be given, in such a horrid time. I wish I could go to Bart right now and kiss him for hours. But it's not the place. Or the time. Damnit. I just want to give him more love.   And no, I'm not mad! I don't know what the future holds. I was just generally optimistic about things. You'll see I have some other reasons why.   The journey started out poorly. It was VERY rainy and we had to ride in appalling conditions. We stopped for the night somewhere in the fields of Faen, in a village which was being re-inhabited by Elves. I spent my time reading from the runebook. I'm close to finishing all the chapters on advanced components. Soon I'll be able to really start working on the Big Boys.   I'd like to build a nice rune for Verfy. She's so strong for us, but I know deep down she's sad. How can she not be? I want her to know we are by her side and that we appreciate her. At least I do. And she has lost her armor, too. I'd try to find her a good piece and place a nice rune on it, one that would give her the protection she deserves. She protects us all, all the time, but I want to do the same to her.   The following days were not much better. We were actually on the footsteps of an undead host, which used the road some days ago. We passed through villages (re-inhabited, mostly) all the way to a river which we had to cross. We had a hard time getting into the forests of central VAneolin. The cart broke several times and we spent a long time trying to fix it. So, even if we were full stride, we were making very slow headway into the woods. As we entered the provinces in the middle of the country, we only encountered ruined villages. PRobably the Elves here didn't even hear of the attacks until it was too late... Poor souls. I prayed for them that night. They had unwillingly joined their enemies...   I hope they won't be forgotten. That is death.   Bart is kind of sad these days. I understand why. He did something very difficult for him. He is a Smile incarnate, and he had to be evil and to scare people. Using his music! He holds music in such high regard, it must've been demeaning for him. I hope it didn't tarnish his view on music or on him playing music. I'll ask him to sing to me all the time. I love his singing. And I don't want him to stop.   He did talk to me about the whole Sylvia Halvel thing, that it was a first love that matters not and the such. He apologised and was so sweet I felt bad for being a jealous monster. Of course I'm jealous! She's younger and beautiful and brave and inspiring and blonde! What do I have going for me in her stead? Arcanic spears, a loud mouth and books! So, I can't help it. I'm glad she hasn't come with.   I'm not jealous of Lullaby, though, dumb journal! I'm not THAT crazy! But she is beautiful and brave and inspiring and blonde. She's also pregnant, which is even more beautiful. In my opinion, at least. Can you imagine me appreciating such things? I did on a theoretical level, but I never saw myself as a birthing kind of person. Well, still can't see myself like that. Imagine my child! A poor being... I would kill him or her with my Nutcase ways... But there you go. Not all are meant for such things. Maybe my destiny is to protect others' children. I'd be just as happy doing that, in all honesty. If only I could protect as much as a pebble.....   We passed through the town of Menthiel on the way north. It was filled with Elvish soldiers gathering to fight the undead. We heard Seliros was under the necromancers' control. The undead had ruined the countryside to the south, but here there were many Elves and also some Woranian refugees. A resistance existed. A resistance that could turn into a counter-attack. It was hard, but not impossible. Not at all. We had come off the backs of two unexpected victories. I hope those Elves, upon hearing us, found some hope. But I don't know. The Elves almost expected this. Eventually. It's like this country awaited its death. I just hope it's a feeling that will dissipate. After what happened today, it should.   By the way, the forests of Vaneolin are magical this time of the year. Autumn leaves colour the woods in splashed pallets of red, yellow and orange, and still green leaves give out a refreshing piece of the sky blue to this mix of warm nuances. Nixie would love to paint this, I'm sure, but of course we can't just yet. The rain actually embellished everything. I always felt that dew in the woods in the morning, dripping from withering leaves, is the most beautiful image in the world.   I actually love autumn. It's not depressing that leaves fall and die. The tree doesn't die. It just prepares for a new year. And the leaves turn to ground, and return their essence to the tree which in turn creates new leaves. Huh. Since when are you so pathetically lyrical, Eve? That's what happens when you ride and fight for too long! I just want to grab Bart's cute butt. Wops.   Going back to maiden thoughts, which represent 10% of my overall thinking, we travelled north in great speed and soon crossed some hills into the province where Legondol lies. That's when trouble started. First, we had to evade a patrol of undead that Elyra had spotted beforehand. But even more relevantly.... we could see Legondol from the hills. Well, not us, but Elyra, who went up in the sky. She told us that the surroundings of that once beautiful city were.... ruined. The forest was cut down all around and the ground seemed cursed.   We reached the surroundings of Legondol late at night. We wouldn't stop. We were not even tired. All of us wanted to join the fight as quickly as possible, though we knew not exactly how. We soon had disturbing news coming our way. We reached the edge of some hills and the forest just... stopped. Not even stumps were left on the cursed, blackened ground. It looked like the Desolation itself.... all the way around the lake around which LEgondol once lied. Now... we couldn't see well, it was already nighttime, but the city looked ruined. What was worse..... the Citadel in the middle of the lake was attacked from all sides, as we could see dozens of flaming stones thrown at its walls and thousands of purple lights attacking the city by crossing the lake on huge boats with siege towers built on their decks.   We had to go. But how? We were already late.... We took our horses from the woods and rode as quickly as possible towards the port. There was no time. We had decided, suddenly, upon using a ... trebuchet.... to enter the city! It was Verfy's idea, supported by Bajid. I was very skeptical of such a stupid idea (it would mean instant death), but Bajid said he would protect us. And Lullaby trusted him completely on this matter, even if it clearly wasn't her type of plan. And if Bajid was certain this plan would not hurt Lullaby, I was pretty sure we would be fine, too. So, let's do it!   Plus, I always wondered what being a catapult stone felt like.   We soon reached the positions of the undead who were using two trebuchets to hurl flaming rocks at the city walls. They were just stopping this, because their troops were already on the walls, when we arrived. There were several regiments there, probably waiting for the boats to return for them. Well, woops. No longer.   Lullaby, who (!!!) decided to ride with us, took the lead and her sword gleamed so strongly, the undead actually stepped back from the light. She pointed the tip of her sword forward and a light flew in the midst of the undead, cleansing dozens of them. Elder Aosthen and Tallion pulverised more as they sent waves of arcanic flame upon the ground. We easily dispensed of the few remaining ones, as Ghighi had fun disintegrating even more regiments.   We hurried to the trebuchet and hurdled together in the net they use to put rocks in it. Bajid then did something very strange, he used his hands to describe a sphere around us. It was an invisible sphere, but you could actually see... reality itself being bent around us, to form some kind of protection. We basically were inside a catapult rock now. One with full view of the battlefield.   Bajid used his bending powers to move the lever and off we went. We were thrown almost immediately, with such force I thought I'd die that instant. But Bajid's bending did its job, and we didn't die. We were too hurdled together to even bump heads. Haha. We flew over the lake and I was immediately dizzy. We landed in the middle of the city, our fall cushioned by the very same bending of reality. I fell gracefully to the ground, face first into the street pavement. Ah, Eve, most elegant of flowers. When will you ever stop being graceful? These blondes don't stand a chance.   We were met by a sight I will not forget anytime soon. Or ever. A being of incredible beauty and purity awaited us, wide-eyed and genuinely amazed. She was an Elf, but more. She had only one eye, but her left eye was glimmering with silver rays, her skin was so pure light came out of it like it was ethereal, her white dress was almost like thousands of water droplets knitted together, her glowing pale, almost white hair everflowing, and a pair of delicate, transparent wings behind her, spreading glimmer. She was one of them.... The little Sylphs in the Fountain of Life. Only she was normal-sized for an Elf. She was the Great Sylph.   She was amazed at our entrance, but immediately Elder Aosthen took charge of explaining things. Quickly and thoroughly. Once that was out of the way, we decided to go help wherever we could. I followed Bart and Tallion and Zarkuz east, towards the gate. The citadel does have a gate, even if it's on an island. But there's no bridge. I have no idea why, even now. But the undead made a bridge using their ships, so....   The rest went south, or north, or west. We looked at each other and quickly hugged before each going their separate ways. It was another horrid night fighting undead. We reached the gate, and the Sylph flew above us and started blasting undead on the other side of the gate with pure white fire. It was incredible. But someone was also attacking her with blasts of cold undeath.   At ground level, we mixed in with the quickly overwhelmed, but steadfast Elves. Leading them was a giant in black armor, with black flames sometimes emerging out of it. Was it... Yes. I saw the armoured wings behind him. It was Damaschini, the Erlagon. He was swinging his signature scythe all around, destroying undead like they were so many blades of grass. I was left aghast at that blackfire of his. Looking up, sensing something, I saw a very weird patterend shadow on the sky directly above us. Darker still than night was a huge snowflake... So this is how the Black Dragon fights. Honestly, I felt uneasy.   We joined in, and I saw Tallion exchange a very quick set of words with Damaschini. We're gonna have a weird talk after we settle down from this fight, I'm sure. For now, each of them has their own worries. Huh, speaking of, I should hurry up and finish this journal, we're about to do something.   So, we fought like lions, well they fought like lions and I fought like a kitten, and soon we started to retreat in order, because the undead were just SO many. Tallion at one point shouted at us to keep the line and went behind. We were about to be surrounded so... go, Tallion! We had to stay in front and keep fighting. I used all my magical power to help Damaschini, who had spewed his weird minion soldiers. I wonder... How is Damaschini? I heard of him as a commander and such, Tallion told us little of him, other than that he failed as a leader. He is alone, he fights for the Elves but as an ally. His troops are his own minions, creations of his own magic. Hard to say.   Anyway, we kept retreating, now in full force, and Tallion was blasting the undead with waves of arcanic flame, but they were coming from all sides. Then I saw Tallion look at the sky to the south in shock. I felt it too. Something happened. Knew not, but it seems the Sylph had fallen. Thankfully, not completely, as we would later find out.   As we tried to break out of the encirclement rapidly forming around us, I saw something. I was near Tallion now, retreating all the way, when we saw a wave of light coarse through the undead in front of us. The undead were not hit, or desintegrated, like under arcanic waves. They just fell down like the bag of skeletons and armour they are, their evil purple magical essence drawn out of them like poison is drawn out of a wound. I felt something. Like a burst of hope. We charged through the weakened undead lines and made it through to the other side, where Lullaby awaited us, sword drawn. Bajid was not far behind, also taking care of some undead. I ran by her and wanted to stop and drag her with us, but I saw the glimmer in her eyes and gave up. She would cover our retreat. Somehow, I trusted she could handle that. She's strong. That's for sure. It's not a magical power, or a physical strength. It's harder to comprehend at first. The undead... It's like she reset them. Brought them back to the state God intended for them to be. Dead. Peaceful, on the ground.   I don't know why, but it feels a little nice, actually. It's like cutting the strings off of marionettes. The poor marionette is not destroyed, just.. liberated.   We continued our retreat westward, but we were overwhelmed still. More undead descended from the northern walls, cutting our retreat. The city was overrun. Things were not going great, not at all... Could be worse, though. Could it? Then make it so!   The head of Elder Aosthen came flying at our feet......... I lost control of my feet and just collapsed. Elder Aosthen... was slain? I never saw a person with such faith and clarity as him... I was shook. Then... A teleport. A strange looking necromancer, in black robes and with a mask covering half of his face, diagonally. His right side was uncovered, and his eye gleamed red with power, but not hate, but rather a cold indifference which I found scarier. Behind him, more necromancers....   Tallion shouted, gasping at the pain of losing Aosthen "Deos!" and I trembled. He looked the mighty host. The bastard moved immediately on the first one of us, who happened to be... Vas! Yes, Nixie and the crew had bumped into us as they came from the palace. They had defeated the enemy there and came to help us... now... Vas was hit, so I reacted quickly to shield him from further harm that would've killed him, because Deos drew a huge red baneblade right through Vas's body. I strained hard to create enough magical power to heal Vas. He almost died there. But then Deos moved again, with great speed! He struck at Tallion, with such force and ferocity, I could not react. I felt it, then... A familiar feeling, already. A demon.   I pulled Vas out of there, as Deos prepared to strike at Tallion once again. He did, but the baneblade did not hurt Tallion... I heard a shout, and I saw my poor Bart drop like a sack of beets. I rushed towards him, gripped him and started running. I wanted to avoid the necromancers who were attacking the rest of us. I saw Nixie collapse to the ground next, struck by Deos' merciless baneblade, but with the corner of my eye I saw Drenizek and I knew she would be safe. I ran with Bart to bring him back to safety and planned to return as quickly as possible to aid in the fight. I left him with an Elf and turned around to aid Drenizek.   Tallion in the meanwhile tried to blast Deos with another spell, which covered him in pure light. Deos collapsed. He had been hit by our strongest spells... But it was not to last.... Something happened, and the ground shook. Dark arcanic seams flew from his body all around, and he was up on his feet in a second. But he was changing, rapidly so. He grew tall, as tall as Xi'xi, dark arcane covering his body all around like armour. His blade grew even longer, even wider, even redder. His eye turned into a full purple glow, like an undead, and dark ethereal wings sprouted on his back....   He was a demon, a demon overcoming the man. He was physically still a man, but the demon's magic now manifested itself freely. I felt it. He was strong. Too strong. I bit my lip so hard blood came out. How... how could we stop it? Tallion was ready to continue fighting, but Drenizek threw him back just as the monster was poised to continue running towards Nixie and Tallion.   Drenizek blocked his path and I felt that it might be his end. I prayed hard, putting all my focus on aiding our jolly singer. But the demon was very strong. He laughed at Drenizek with a strong, echoing voice, calling him a weakling. Drenizek replied that the demon feared him, for he had nothing to lose, all he had was right behind him. I could barely breathe. My only option was to continue to help Drenizek. I felt his steely resolve. There was no way around. The demon could easily slay Nixie and Tallion. Poor Nixie was fainted on the ground, Tallion was badly hurt, too.... And this only through a few hits from that monstrous baneblade....   The demon stuck his blade into Drenizek, with speeds I thought weren't possible. I managed not to lose focus. I only looked at Drenizek, only thought of giving him strength... He gripped the blade with one hand, and raised his other in a fist. I saw the gleam around it. It was arcane, arcane infused probably by Elder Aosthen. The demon did not know what's coming. Drenizek hit the demon so hard, he had to make a step back. But then he hit him with his left fist as well. Then again, with his right, then again and again, a flurry of arcane-infused fists that shook the very dark arcane around the demon-man. The punches were so fast and devastating, the last one hit him right under his chin, raising him from the ground and spreading all the arcane all around. The demon vanished into thin air, and the body of Deos, depleted of all energy, fell. He was dead.   The undead all around lost cohesion and started fighting at random... We did it! But, alas... Drenizek had been struck by the blade. And a weird coldness spread from his wound, covering him in a stonelike layer. He only turned back to see if Nixie was alright, she just happened to be regaining consciousness in that moment. He smiled, said "I love you, Nixie" and turned around, rising the mask of Deos (which he had taken in his right hand) above his head, just as the petrification reached his upper body. We tried to do something, anything, but he froze shut. I saw Tallion imbue him with life-protecting power, and I sensed Nixie's prayer and somehow felt its energy. We all started singing, trying to keep Drenizek's spirit here, to keep it from falling to the power of death.   Well, death couldn't grip our Drenizek, because that wasn't real death. It could be beaten. Lullaby had come, and using the song which connected Drenizek's soul to ours, and therefore to the life all around, she was able to protect his spirit from that false death gripping him and reverse the process. The stone-like layer broke, Drenizek fell to the ground and soon he was breathing again....   But do you think we had even a moment of respite? No.... I have little time left, it seems we ARE going somewhere, so I'll be more brief. Sorry, I'll get back to you. So, we heard weird, ominous horns. Loud and evil-sounding, I must say. Everybody gropued up and started fleeing towards the palace. We heard why: 20 thousand horsemen were coming. They were the Ikain.   I heard Zarkuz smile. I kept my eye on him. Thankfully, he didn't betray. We ran back to the citadel and waited there. The Ikain followed us. The Sylph told us to go behind the Primordial Beech Tree, and so we did. IT had such beautiful white bark, and light green leaves, almost whispering to us, reassuring us. We stood no chance against such a huge host, but we felt confident, somehow.   The Ikain entered, on foot. They were led by white Ikains, not unlike Zarkuz. One of them made a step further and invoked a horrible being, a shadow barely seen in the light, roughly the form of an Ikain, but with no feet, floating in the air. The shrieking abomination flew with great speed towards the Sylph, who stood in front of the Beech. The Sylph had met the Ikain on their own, and confronted them by saying their death is not real death. That their purpose makes them like all of us. They are not impartial, nor are they an instrument of levelling. They are like us all. And she proved it.   As that false death tried to rip her apart, the Sylph just smacked the creature with her palm, and it disintegrated. Those proud and soulless Ikain all made a step back in horror. I don't think that ever happened to one of their shadow. We couldn't see the Sylph, but I saw a bright, but black glimmer around her. And I felt it. Death. Real death.   Forgetting. Nullity. Nothingness. True Nothingness. Not levelling. That shadow never existed. That was real death.   The Ikain charged, but the Sylph held fast. She had a sort of shield around her, which was reinforced as the Ikain hit her. The others attacked us, and we defended. A fight started, but the Sylph told us to stay behind the tree so we did.... Then we saw Lullaby and king Nathanilos of the Elves step forward and join the Sylph. We all had those shields around us... it felt strangely warm but cold in the same time, strong but fickle. It was like spring water.... Then I realised why. I looked at the tree. Was it protecting us?   I found out soon, as its roots burst from the ground and impaled some Ikain. More roots burst, creating a wall between us and the Ikain, and the Beech Tree itself raised on its roots, as if it was....   OF COURSE. I knew then. I knew! The Beech Tree... All this time, we should've known. It was not a tree. But an Essence Bearer! Possibly the greatest of them all. I felt its life. It is Life. The Life of an old world, long ago gone. That world of the Elves, long lost. What power... And its essence of life now merged with the Death embodied by the Sylph, and was sided by the Spirits of Man and Elves in the form of Lullaby and Nathanilos... I knew, then, that we had won. What a feeling! Men and Elves were finally joining forces. Finally creating a full circle, from the olden days, when we both sinned one towards the other. In one huge gleam, this combination sent a pulsating wave of righteous fire which consumed those who would harm us. The Ikain in the square within the palace were all pulverised. The rest sensed this immense power and simply scurried off.   Now... We're here. They may come back. The Sylph tells us we should investigate something she sensed outside. The Beech Tree is now in its place, like before, like nothing happened.   Hah. I smile. I can't help but smile. What wonders the world hides!   May the Almighty protect us all.

"Sleep in the golden sheets of familiarity and your mettle will crash into the ground" - Filis Harmino in Resentments   Dear journal,   It is a beautiful autumn morning in Faen. I'm alone by the pier.. Bart went back to sleep a little more. We just finished a very long talk with a very... intriguing character. I will start from the back, though.   So, after the battle of Metherol and after we rested and... took time to understand what we just found out... we discussed our next plans. We were to follow up on our victory here with an attempt to save Faen as well, in order to make Faen a safe place for Elves in the South in general (including those who were left alive in Metherol). From there, we would go north to Legondol, on our own. We wanted to reach the capital of Vaneolin as fast as possible in order to save the Primordial Beech.   I remember Tallion saying we had to choose between saving the world and saving the Elves (?), which confused me a lot. Indeed, there were other options we had: go to the Nine Tomes, a holy place central to the defense of Arodil Forest from nightgaunts. But why put it as saving the world as opposed to just saving Elves? The Primordial Beech is a symbol for Life and the blessings of the Almighty just like the Marion hill is. One speaks to Elves, one to humans, but both come from the Almighty. That's how I understood it, at least.   So, it's not really a question of saving Elfdom versus saving the world. Also, even if the Beech only matters to Elves, I would still not postpone it in order to go to places where we might not be as needed. I'm willing to fight and die defending the Beech if only because it's sacred for Elves, whom we swore to also protect. And for our captain, Nixie. Going to the Nine Tomes might be an idea, too, but as far as we understood the urgency may be smaller there.   As for the Continent... we sent our Marshlander charm-boy Marv to swoon the Continent and convince them of the impending invasion. So, for now, we are tackling all fronts as well as we can. Having decided that, we left for Faen, in the same evening. Tiring, I know. But there really is little time. Or no time, to be even more exact.   I kind of followed them automatically, but I couldn't help feeling down. I have lost a lot, without even knowing. Now that I know, late as it is, it hurts even more. I spend my nights hugging Bart now rather than the other way. I don't want to lose him. I have nightmares, of late. Dreams of destruction. Even more destruction than there already is. The skies were dark, cloudy, glowing sometimes in reddish nuances, from distant lightnings. The earth was scorched, but not hot. Cold, cold as death. Legions of undead marched all around in circles, and patterns, and kept chanting "Antyar, antyar, antyar" with coarse, shrieking voices, akin to metal sheets banged together.   But what scares me most in these dreams is that I always seem to expect to recognise Bart among these skeletons. I never truly see him there, but I keep expecting him to show up. It's even worse than seeing him. Damn demons! They know how to play with my soul!   Well, I'm trying to improve my meek existence. I have recently found out fighting is not my forte, right? I need to find a purpose to help Bart and Nixie and the party. I've been speaking to Elder Aosthen, who is a being of incredible wiles and patience. The Elders are truly something else. They don't speak very much, but each word is as relevant as a gem in a crown. And you need to really pay attention as a result. He was very open to help me find my way. He said I have a hard time knowing what to do because I'm not balancing my feelings and magical power. Not balancing as in mixing the good with the bad or keeping moderation. Balancing as in stabilizing, actually. Yes, stabilizing would be the better word. Elvish has a way with words that common tongues don't. Advantage of living longer and existing for so many hundreds of gazillions of years as Elves did. hm. Good point, how long were the Elves around?   Wait, if the Elves were born before the 9 worlds, does this mean that the Elves are older than plants and animals living in our dimension now? Wow. For some reason, it kind of terrifies me.   Nevertheless, the wise Elder Aosthen told me about the link between life and magic that I've been missing: that inexplicable, insurmountable and unrepeatable (by us) miracle of ordering, which triggers around this magical aura. The gift of life is the gift of ordering magical essence, in a way. Reinforcing life is reinforcing this magic. It is a simplification, but grasping this base level concept can help, in the long term.   There was a lot of confusion in our camp. We met with an Elven village on our way, and they were rather confused as to what happened in Metherol. It was good to see Elves being alive, at least. But we weren't sure what we should do now. Or maybe it was just me. I mean, it's obvious the undead couldn't have just wiped out everyone in the space of... what is it now? Little more than two weeks? It's impossible. They obviously targeted the big cities first. If those don't fall, then most of the country can be saved. So maybe we should prioritize Legondol, like really prioritize it. But then? And if Xantinya holds the reins in Worania, with a huge orcish and undead army by her side, can't she send a portion of this huge force to Vaneolin to help destroy it? For now, we don't even know exactly whom we're fighting. They can't be Xantinya's undead, those fought in the north and then came to Worania. These ones came from all around Vaneolin and have been hanging out here for the last weeks. So, they are other undead forces. So Xantinya CAN send more here with ease, but she hans't done so yet, probably because she didn't need to.   Are we winning now only to see even bigger armies come from the east and destroy Vaneolin anyway?   But then again, destroying Vormiol and Rascodia and even Cavaconda will take time. It's far from over for these countries. They must still be struggling to live. We need some overarching plan, a way to help them as well. And if we save Vaneolin now, we need to find a way to keep it saved. Xantinya has too many resources, otherwise. We need allies. Quickly.   Dear journal, I must confess I'm not very comfortable speaking about these issues anymore. I feel the odd one now. I'm not really useful in this war, I'm no Tallion breaker of undead armies, or Nixie who demolishes siege towers and pulverises legions with white fire. Or Verfy who holds the line like a thousand men. I heal here, I purge an undead from the Earth there, but that's about it. I'm a mopey poppy who has a streak of face-first charging into problems, so I'm not really an authority on anything. Granted, I've tried to contribute, but it seems to not be enough.... Maybe I should speak more? But then, wasn't it the problem in the first place? Well anyway tensions are high on the whole "what do we do" thing so maybe we should talk some more once we at least save Faen.   When we finally arrived near Faen, things took a familiar turn. We would fly above the undead army and Bart would stay behind. But this time we needed some better plan. The idea was that we shouldn't waste all the Elvish soldiers. We had to save them. Metherol was too close a shave. We had no Woranian miracle awaiting us either. So... Verfy proposed that we should trick the necromancers into expecting an attack from us, but how could we pull that off? Then Dillen elaborated on the idea and proposed a distraction by Bart (who would've stayed behind lines anyway) by posing as a fellow necromancers and distracting them. Both Verfy and Dillen wanted a sally. In the end, they settled on a sally. Bart would pose as a powerful necromancer using a staff with a goat's skull which Xixi retrieved from the chief necromancer at Metherol. They even had a name: Meknol, it seems he is a necromancer of the Council. Convenient.   But then Bart had to find a way to distract the necromancers. He planned to sing to them, in that he would transmit the terror he and we had felt from the demon, from the battles and such. It was a dangerous thing to do, but it would fall in line with a powerful necromancer's experiments, I guess. Bart tried it on us. At first, he sang a weary, eerie line, which sounded like nothing he tried before. It felt... unsettling, coming from my shiny happy Bart... but it wasn't all necromancer-like.   Hehe.... When he tried again, though.... I was shocked. I could feel his notes scrape at my skin like flaying knives, and I actually felt that damn demon's claws on my shoulders. I freaked out a bit. When he stopped, I had the instinct to run away, but controlled myself and just went to hug him. I know it hurts him to do this. It's not easy. It has to be done, I guess. I was scared by him. I really was. I hugged him and buried my head in his shoulder, but I feared him. I didn't like it. That feeling. How could you fear the one you love? What kind of sick mind would want that? Not mine. I wish never to feel this feeling again.   When we finally went our separate ways, I once again had to say goodbye to Bart. I was more worried now than before. He was going in their midst, posing as one of them... I prayed to the Almighty more fervently than ever.   The battle itself was... exhausting. I'll spare you the details, dear journal, because, truthfully, the others will know better than me what the hell happened. I was useless half the time, walking from place to place. The Elves did accept our plan and that night they sallied out. We led the charge up the northern gate. Bart's plan succeeded, because the undead were slow to greet us and their lines were not fully formed. They were still formidable, but we broke them. However, more came from the west and the battle very quickly turned against us. At one point, I saw Nixie melt the earth into some sort of water, like Miremis used to be able to do. Again, Elvish magic is intimidating.... I saw poor Verfys basically swim her way out of a regiment of undead halebardiers (!?!) and I grabbed her hand and healed her battered body. Soon after, though, The Elder Aosthen and Tallion and Bart (whom I saw dangling by a floating Tallion's foot...) destroyed a powerful necromancer, who incidentally also raised most of the undead, so the battle was one from there on.   Oh, I almost forgot.... A big reason why we won the battle was that halfway through a strange creature burst out of the glyph Gilders gave us and attacked the undead by throwing fireballs all around. He announced himself as our "overlord". He's..... some sort of.... lizard... guy? I don't know. He looks like some kind of lizard, with a long neck and slender body and strong hind legs good for running and slimmer and slightly shorter hands, with claws and alll.... also covered in feathers (!?). But he speaks (almost) like a human. His name is... get this.... Ghighi.   Quite a lot to take in. He's apparently one of Tallion's cross-dimensional friends. In any case, this Ghighi creature was very, very strong, and didn't seem bothered by enemies attacking. I saw an undead swing an axe at his foot and the axe went straight through but the foot remained there as if it was just air the axe went through.   The battle was over after the necromancer was killed and the undead scattered. It took a while for the undead to finally be destroyed, because many still fought us. Well, once that was settled, we could see that, thankfully, many Elves survived. Also, all of us were still alive, including Elder Aosthen. I heard the Enneth Elves fought bravely in the West but lost their last sorceress, Idynia. Elyra is still alive, though. The druid who gets birds which fly us above walls.   I was content to finally rest. I may be useless, but I still somehow get tired in these fights. Anywhoo, our list of wonders was far from over. After stopping a big undead army, AGAIN, and meeting a bird-lizard thingie, we were met with more: two other people appeared out of the glyph, followed by Gilders. He came back quickly!   The two people are Lullaby and Bajid, those two friends from the dimension of Spirit that Tallion told us about. They are queen and king, you see, in this dimension, and quite powerful. Dear journal, I have to say I was very curious to get a feeling of how people from other dimensions are like, think, speak etc. They don't seem that different, at first glance, but there are many interesting details.   Well, these two certainly are worth a talk, well, Gilders too, in fact. My first glance of this queen with the power to manipulate the very fabric of reality was quite earth-shattering for me, to be honest. I kind of expected some sort of Great Ordinator-like force and demeanour, only... more! Because, you know, even more power, right? And she ruled over what I understood was a nation of tenths of millions. Tenths!!! But there she was, this nice young girl with blonde hair (again? There's a pattern) and bright green eyes and some simple woolen blouse, pregnant and having a slight limp in her right leg when moving, with a very intimidated figure. As for her husband, he reminded me a little of the tales of southern traders. He had very curly black hair, a darkened complexion and very hawkish eyes. He was actually the most intimidating one of them. Still, he looked like an adventurer and not a king, also tossing around a small round ball, for some reason.   As for Gilders, now seeing him near these two, he looked like the most foreign of them if only because of his gun, which at least he took care to hide in front of the Elves. But I knew he had it somewhere. But Gilders is clearly no king, nor can he manipulate the planes of reality, so....   We greeted each other but decided to go to the castle to avoid standing in front of a bewildered army of Elves. The Elves actually didn't pose too many questions, they had a rough night as it was, after all...   On the road, I saw a weird interaction with Kelly, who kind of decided to avoid the situation and hide away. There's history between Kelly and Lullaby, it seems... The world is small. Even if it's made of 9 dimensions, who would've thought.   I must say, poor Kelly had another one of her nasty moments when her body just loses control and she falls down. This one was longer and scarier, she got all tense then went fully limp, and couldn't control her actions or words. She did mention something about missing a piece of her brain.... Horrible. Whoever desfigured her like that and did all this to her... Cruel. Very, very cruel. Lullaby actually went to visit Kelly after Vas tended to her in the only way he knew how (giving her one of his weird leaves), and the two discussed a bit about some uprising Lullaby made against Kelly, who used to rule over two whole dimensions... Neither seemed to feel enmity towards the other, so that was good. It felt strange. Kelly seems so lost in her own powers, I mean she has many great talents and is capable of many things, but she doesn't seem to want to do anything in particular. She was almost glad she lost all that power, actually. As for Lullaby, she said she doesn't believe Kelly to be a bad person, or a good one at that; she didn't know her enough and wouldn't emit a strict judgement on the matter. She did fight her as an institution of tyranny in these 2 dimensions she ruled over. I found that fitting. Kelly the tyrant was not necessarily Kelly the person. That's because Kelly is barely anyone, really. Maybe she's just a collection of masks. I'm a little afraid of that.   In any case, we had a nice dinner with Lullaby and Bajid and Gilders and Ghighi, during which we found out more about our new friends. So, why did they come? Well, they came to help us, obviously, as stated by Gilders, and they came as soon as Gilders told them about the undead in Metherol and the such. They did come VERY soon, so much appreciated... I was shocked to find out they basically abandoned their country to come there. I didn't think about it, but they were queen and king and both are now.... poof! Disappeared! Huh... And it escaped my mind that Lullaby was pregnant! And still she came.   Lullaby says she's guilty for opening the door to the dimension of magic, which kind of triggered all this, but that's false. I mean, yes, she might've opened the door (which begs the question: why can she do that!? The dimension of magic was closed since the fall of the initial world of the Elves... WAIT) I'll come back to that later, but now let's see: so she did open the gate, but this Change Xantinya is doing was happening anyway, so... Now at least we have a gateway to new possibilities, including new friends like them. So it's not that much of a negative. OF course there are negatives, but... I think this Change concerns all dimensions, so we should stick together. I expect my opinion to be controversial, so I won't say a word haha.   It was a rather weird talk, all in all, to be honest. Lullaby and Bajid were kind, and they came to help, but they are strangers to us, and we to them. We knew rationally we could trust each other, but it's all so quick and... Did I say that Xixi is for some reason obsessed with Lullaby? Since she saw that Lullaby carries a sword with a fish crated as its pummel. Wait, FISH!? Yes, dear journal, fish! Of course she's obsessed! I'm obsssesed! Did I hide it till now? It's because I'm trying to keep a semblance of order in this journal!!! Damn   So, I have two main issues here: why does Lullaby carry a fish-pummel sword and why can she open the gate to the dimension that was closed since... basically since the dimensions were created in the first place. And we SAW that the dimension of magic and that of death were specifically sealed!   I instinctively looked at Drenizek a couple of times during that dinner, and also during the whole Xixi-obsessed-with-sword-scene, and we both kind of smiled. Why, I wonder. I bet it's for the same reason. I can't put my finger on it yet, but.... No, I won't say something that might end up being wrong or exaggerated.   I'll keep looking at this situation. So, we talked to Lullaby and I'm trying even now to understand this person before us, because I KNOW for a fact there is a lot here to understand. She does seem to have a strange way with people. She's unusually timid for an almighty queen and reality-bender, but behind that she has a strong will to act on defending good. It seems she talked a lot with Tallion's non-friend Zarkuz, another of Damaschini's old group, the one who told Lullaby about our perils in the first place, and she's trying to get to him so she could at least convince him that he has a soul. Strange. Why would anyone think they have no soul. If you pose that question, if you're able to... Then you already know the answer, dummy! Anyway, I kind of saw after that (we had a discussion earlier this morning) that the girls, Verfy and Nixie, are unconvinced by these efforts.   To me, after digesting it all... It boils down to this. Whatever just happened in our lives yesterday, one thing is clear: Lullaby is of a different mettle. I won't put my finger on it on exactly how.   In any case, the line of surprises is not over, dear journal! Because early this morning... Zarkuz showed up! What? No, I'm not drunk, thank you very much! Zarkuz showed up. I'm running out of paper and ink and I still haven't written about the hairy four-eyed white monster that randomly (?) appeared in Faen port in a rowing boat with one tiny sail.   Zarkuz, t'seems, came by sea after leaving Lullaby's place two days or so after Gilders left to find us. In any case, this beautiful monster wants to join us and help us in our mission. I wasn't there when he came, but I found out about his arrival and went with Bart to see what was going on.   Zarkuz is this weird shaman-type person who believes has ultimate wisdoms but probably just smokes too much dubious leaves. That was my initial assessment. But they all took him so seriously I had to, too. I'm so quick to dismiss things! Truth be told, after I listened some more, and after hearing what Lullaby understood from his beliefs, it started to sound a lot more... well, serious. Ominous, even. This Zarkuz may be a jester, but an Ikain jester is not funny. He's... dark. I'm not sure what his ultimate designs are. A world were death is an arbiter for justice is a world where virtues are replaced with inevitability, and the scales are tipped to favour nothing else but levelness. Plains. I hear Ikains like plains. Makes sense.   Zarkuz is the proponent of a Great Change. He must love the New Order Xantinya is making, then. Why would he help? Well, probably to avoid others from becoming too powerful. I get it. But... A few months back, I would've challenged this God-forsaking madman to a duel. Now... I learned better.   The net catches many types of fish. I'll try to learn this lesson. Drenizek, I bet you felt it too, you rascal. Now it's not the time to be simpletons. Hehe. I make no sense. I love this entry. Serves you right, journal, for asking me to be consistent. Me, Nutcase-wondergirl! Bow before your overlord!   Oh, I didn't mention. The girls were very happy to take me aside and ask me why I was quiet. I had to spill the beans on my many maniacal issues and they corrected me. Nixie told me that she was upset on me for a little while but then it was gone and I stood there thinking she no longer considered me her friend! Can you believe how dumb I have become? Thank the Almighty that Nixie and Verfy sometimes remember to check up on the wild animal they carry around with them! I was so glad to hear this I almost burst into tears, if not for the absolute pathetic nature of this whole interaction. I mean, poor NIxie... She must think I'm not just mad, but delusional and stupid, too! They also told me to express myself more, to be there, because I'm not useless.   You know what, dear journal? Nixie and Verfy are right. I know they are. It's easy to shield myself with this "useless" thingie. No more. I'll not sleep in Filis' golden sheets. I'll... hm. Jump like a fish.   May the Almighty guide us through this war and have mercy on all those fallen.

"Are Life and Death really enemies? I think only one who goes through both has an answer. A shame we can't ask them" - Rivet Manakos, in his book "Great Omen"   Dear journal,   I write in here with a weak hand. I... I don't have much left in me to give, right now. I am trying to pull myself together. I want these words here to finally matter. I need some order in my head. I feel I have finally cried enough.   We stand at a crossroads. Before us lies our adventure around the seas, encircling our great continent. A dangerous journey, with hard moments, with beautiful moments, with some good friends lost, and other new friends gained on the way. I am grateful for all I've learned on this journey. For all I've received. I may be an idiot, but even I can see that I'm changed. For the better? In some ways, yes. I see how stupid I am, today. I see how weak. I feel the need for more. Self-sufficiency is the worst disease a man can bear. And I think I bore it, especially since I liked to engulf myself in my inescapable situation of used-up-woman waiting for her mage for one year.   I've had to face all fears that men can face during a lifetime. I failed this test, obviously, but somehow I'm still alive. Do I deserve it, even? I see so much death around, I can hardly believe it. It's hard to tell. Those who deserve death, what does it mean? Or those who deserve life? Is it a reward to live through destruction and grief, to be pummeled by your own weakness and consumed by your regrets, day in, day out? Isn't death sweeter? Isn't dying for the Almighty, for your people, for your friends, for love, for hope, for all of humanity and all the souls on this Earth, a gift? Isn't it preferable to a miserable life?   So, no, I don't know what I deserve, or what all the people around deserve. Life always is preferable, when nothing happens around. But when Life is corrupted, then Death may be finer. I don't know. I know that dying a clean soul, a mind at ease, and a clear heart, will mean bliss afterwards. Death is not an enemy to Good. And Life is not an ally, all the time.   But....... Who does have a clean soul, a mind at ease, and a clear heart? And... is it selfish to want life, if your life is about giving? About loving? About saving others from a Death that might be bad for them? Not all are ready. Not all should die the moment they do die. That's why Death is not ours to dispense. So maybe, just maybe, it still makes sense to pray for life. Not for me, though.   Many people much better than me are dead. And I'm alive. It's just a fact, at this point. It's impossible to make more of it.   But why am I so dramatic all of a sudden? Ugh, I have to tell. To explain.   We traveled closer to Metherol yesterday. We whipped up a plan to kill necromancers during the siege, which meant that Bart had to stay behind, to act covertly using his invisibility powers and his time-altering spells. I am so proud of Bart. If he hadn't have a kind heart and a predisposition towards fun, not blood, he would've become an expert assasin. I'm so glad he's not one! I hate assassins. I love people like Xixi or Verfy, who kill you face to face, sword in hand. Well, granted, Xixi can do that regardless of her actual body position. Details.   Im just trying to cheer myself up. It's not working, though. Xixi actually came to visit me and ask me if I wanted to come see how many undead she destroyed. She's almost like a child, but I know she understands, and just wants to help. Thank you.   Coming back, I had to say goodbye to Bart, before this huge battle for the city of Metherol. I tried to joke around, saying I'll punch him if he gets hurt, but... I was afraid. I was afraid I would not see him again. And that I wouldn't even know, until so much later. I couldn't even help him with my kindred spirit rune. He is my kindred spirit, it's not fair to have him separate from me...   There I am, obsessive nutcase that I am, can't bear separation. But... It's a deadly battlefield, and I am here to help and protect people... I know he can handle himself, but... I tried to hide it as much as I could, at least. I bet the others would believe me clingy or unfair towards them. I have to protect everyone, right? I do want to. So I hugged him as hard as I could and there we went our separate ways. We flew tied to several birds each, across the field and into Metherol, while Bart remained with the 71 Enneth elvish soldiers.   We flew high in the air, above the besieging army. It was basically thousands of undead, all dead silent, all motionless, surrounding the city. What kind of image is that...? Can you imagine a huge, motionless army? Waiting? You can barely hold your breath, but they have no breath. Or fear. Or tiredness. A force that will not stop. That will not falter. Truly terrifying.   We devised a plan to hold the walls for as long as we could, but ultimately we knew we would lose the walls. We had a last stand prepared in the central square, behind trenches. We had to rely on our initial plan to kill necromancers. Because their death would make the undead who were raised by them attack at random and lose cohesion and will.   We split, from there. It was getting dark. Tallion went with Orman and Dillen to the port. Heron, the Fastodans and Brunek took the northwestern wall. Verfy, our new friend Anevys and Marv took the north gate, while Xixi volunteered to stay in the east, near the river Senel. Vas went with Miremis in the south, and Marc stayed with the Enneth druids in the south-west. The rest (Nixie, Drenizek, Isbel and I) stayed near the west gate. Kelly remained on the castle rooftop, with two catapults, and that Gilders guy stayed with the Elvish command in the centre.   The night had settled. Darkness encroaching from all sides. And silence. Not a single light, or sound, from the other side of the walls. The undead were still motionless. We could actually hear the breath of each and every elf on the walls. Poor guys. I could see them. They had bows in their hands, some of them. Others had short spears, or knives, or short swords, or various kitchenware. I saw an Elf with a pitchfork. No armor, or barely any armor (padded or leather at most). We were waiting for a massacre. But their eyes were piercing forwards. All of their eyes. Not with hope, but not with despair. I could only feel cold steel determination. To hold. Hold and not falter, until the end.   I felt their minds. Their time had come, but they would not move aside or let the wave wash them onto the shore. They would face the tides like a jagged rock protruding from the sea. God have mercy on us all, I muttered behind my breath. I was tense, I couldn't move, even if I wanted to. I instinctively reached my right hand to Nixie's left, and we held tight. We were on the wall, waiting, waiting, until....   We heard it. At first, it was mild, or distant. But it increased, and increased. A shriek. A thousand shrieks. Twelve thousands shrieks. And like beacons on the walls, thousands and thousands of small purple lights filled the darkness that stretched in front of the walls. The undead had awoken. Soon, they brought their siege towers in place, and them we heard the drums and the horns. A monstrous army had just started its devastating attack.   I never felt so nervous, so... afraid, yes. I was afraid for my life, obviously, I'm a coward, ain't I, but also I was afraid for everyone. Not just Nixie and the party and the crew, or the city even, I was afraid for the entire world. Never have I seen an undead army before. I can understand why it is so hard to fight them. It's not that they are hard to kill. Or that they don't need air, they don't tire, they don't flee. No. It's that.... that is your fate, right there, in front of you. It's an image of what you are about to become. And, more than that... If you falter, if you think twice, if you lose hope, it matters. You die. But they... They don't care. They won't stop moving. Can any imperfect soul stop such a thing?   The towers were moving towards our wall. To our left, the western gate was crumbled already from days of hard siege. The Elves, led by one of the Wise Elders from Enneth, were defending the surmountable rubble that was left. To the right, we knew Heron and further away Verfy were holding the line. I prayed for everyone's safety, for the thousandth time.   A tremendously scary siege tower was coming our way. Nixie waited. She was our hope, there. We had no other chance than to knock those towers down. Our captain lifted her beautiful staff and made the ground rise in spikes beneath one of the towers, jiggling it violently. It refused to fall, the bloody thing, so she tried again, and this time the tower faltered and fell on a few dozen enemies. The sound of the desintegrating wooden structure falling on shrieking undead was something I'd never thought I would hear.   Nixie continued, destroying another tower's front-right wheel. The tower faltered, too, and fell to smithereens. I would've rejoiced, but the elves were so... still... like it did not matter.   It didn't, in the end.   They came to our walls with big ladders, with iron clamps that sunk into the rock of the crenellations, breaking it. No way to remove those. We had to fight. To our left, we could hear the sound of fighting. The undead must be forcing the demolished gateway. We could hear the sound of war everywhere. Soon, they started climbing. Soon enough, they were there. I hit my first undead with a ray of light, but it did not desintegrate. He swung at me with a one-handed axe, but thankfully an elf stood in its path and parried its hit. But then the poor guy got obliterated by the hit of another undead. I once again threw purifying light on the monster, finally breaking it. Nixie, in the meanwhile, wanted to unleash more power. But something went terribly wrong and the white fire she was trying to invoke exploded before it could even fully form, throwing her violently to the back, past the wall and onto the roof of a nearby house. I panicked for her safety and immediately jumped the wall to follow her. I fell like the sack of Potato-Eve that I am.   I then tried to focus all my magic into helping Nixie, but I overwhelmed myself with my own magical aura and fainted, like the stupid novice that I am.   I remember waking up shortly afterwards, to a ghastly sight: Nixie had started to throw balls of white fire upon the walls, to stop the undead, six at a time, but the undead kept coming. The walls were almost theirs, and the few Elves who survived were withdrawing to the left, trying to descend on the damaged wall to the rubble beneath, were there was a huge fight. I could see hundreds of undead trying to get past the rubble, but I saw glowing lances in the hands of the Elves. That Elder must've blessed them with arcane powers. There was a chance we could hold this gate, still.   We both descended from the roof and tried to join the fighting at the gateway. But just as we were doing this, we heard the horns of retreat from the north. The North gate must've fallen. I tried not to think about the fate of Verfy and Anevys and Marc. I had to believe they were safe. I also knew nothing of Heron's men... We found Isbel and Drenizek below, fighting amongst the Elves. Drenizek was in the first line, punching undead to death with glowing fists. It sounds laughable to idiots who weren't there. I was left deeply impressed. And the Elder, though more than 100 I think, fought with vigour, too, sending rays of light on the undead to cleanse them.   Nixie and I joined the fight, I helped Drenizek and Nixie threw more white fire on the undead. Our men held tight, they didn't budge an inch. But, in the distance, we could hear the sound of armies running. The undead were overwhelming the city. We had to go. Drenizek and the Elder didn't budge at first, they were so busy fighting the undead. But soon we all started to retreat in order. The undead took the West Gate, but only because we had to go back.   By the time we reached the intersection with the main road coming from the north, the undead had almost cut our path. But we charged past, and Nixie threw even more arcane on our pursuers. But then more undead attacked from the street. We met several other Elves withdrawing from the walls. Drenizek launched himself in a charge, and the Elves followed him. And they breached the undead army and made room for our entire unit. We ran, as fast as we could, for we could see a gigantic force of undead coming from the north.   But I had left a mirror image of myself on the roof of a house around the intersection. And through it I could sense a necromancer. I told Nixie, and she tried to reach him, but we were too far away, and she had no way to get to him. Hundreds of undead were in the way. Plus the houses of the city. Ugh. We had to believe in Bart, and Tallion, and...   We all saw something. Rising from the south, someone, holding the sky itself, and unleashing rays of light, then suddenly disappearing in a bright spear that threw itself at the ground. The skies were all brighter that second, then it extinguished like a magnesium flame. It was... Both beautiful and worrying. Was it Tallion? Didn't look like it. What was going on there...?   We had no time to worry about the others, though. Nixie was getting tired from all the spellcasting, and so was I. There was little we could do against those undead. Horribly powerful warriors. Some were clad in armor from head to toe. We could only see purple rays escaping their armor trapping through the orifices left on the helmets. Grisly sight.   But as we retreated we encountered even more Elves. They were with Marc, who was badly hit. He had a huge cut in his shoulder, which had almost cut his right hand off. Poor boy. He was alive, still, and I healed him best I could, before sending him to the central square to look for more help. I like to think I saved his arm that night.   As we approached the central square, we saw hundreds, if not thousands of Elves were already there. And all were being pursued. It was a mess. We jumped the trenches and fortified inside the ring. The undead came after us and started filling the trench and climbing it to fight us. Some went over the others' heads just so they could reach us better. Unforgiving and unrelenting.   We met with others, there. Vas and Dillen, Kelly and Gilders. They were all battered. No news of the North. I was afraid, very afraid. Were they all dead? Already? Then we heard a horn coming from the east. More Elves were trying to get inside the central square. But there was barely any room. And we were being pushed back anyway.   Tallion then showed up, and started to pulverise the undead with an enormous purge which I think he did by using the powers of that orb we took from Vazakis. I was proud of him that moment. He saved us all. He then continued to fight, unrelenting himself, cleaning the field of those abominations. That bought time for us to reorganise the ranks. But we had lost part of the central square.   Then Nixie returned from the castle (she tried to go in to organise its defense) saying that a horrible shadow roughly matching the description of Cato was inside. What!? So he is real!? God......   Tallion actually fought him, as I'd soon find. We then all saw a flaming head thrown from the castle walls directly in the middle of the square. It was......... one of the Elders. The one from the north........ Did Cato... Kill them all? I was more afraid than ever. We went inside, Gilders had a plan to stop Cato, it seems.   The horrible spectre (it was basically a dark spectre, ethereal and deformed, roughtly in the shape of a man-leopard) jumped from somewhere and attacked Nixie with all he had (a baneblade and an elvish sword I think), but Gilders used his gun to shoot a knife from his baneblade-holding hand, and Tallion destroyed the knife, and the spectre howled and desintegrated, sending a shockwave of hate all around. Pheeesh. Good job, guys. Good job. What a pest.   When we returned, we saw only Doom: the undead and their pirate (!?) allies were almost done taking the sqare, as the Elves were rushing towards the castle. But we would not falter. Not that night. We saw a ray of light in the distance. Morning was coming. It could not find us defeated, or dying, or giving up. I picked up a sword. I said I won't fight. But I did everything else I could. I was no warrior. But I am a human of this world. And I be damned if I won't give everything, adn I mean EVERYTHING to take down this night. Light always shines through.   So we charged. All of us. And as we did, we heard the sound of horns, and an Elf shouting "Woranians!" We were surprised and confused. Were they allies? Enemies? Who were they? But the Elf seemed glad, so we presumed allies. The Elves around were so amazed, they almost stopped fighting.   Then, after a while, we saw them. A few hundred knights charging down the eastern road. And the Elves, who had faced the undead undaunted, but stern and almost at peace, lost themselves into crying. They cried. And they rose up. And they tightened the grip on their swords and spears and knives. And they charged.   I barely remember what happened. I was lost in that fight. I was so tired, I could barely watch my step. But we fought. We fought with everything we had. And the Woranian charge, and our charge, and Tallion's purging arcane.... in the end, we stopped. We looked around. The undead were gone. The pirates were gone. We... won.   We looked at the mountain of bodies, of those who died that night, or who died a long time ago, but were devilishly resurrected to fight for necromancers. So many had died. Barely anyone was left alive.... We tried to find each other again. Some of us had been separated. We found Verfy and Anevys and Marv, all three thankfully alive and well. But where were the others...?   As we grouped, we noticed no one from the north-west was there. Verfy told us the walls had fallen. It didn't take long to understand... In the same time, Dillen told us he had lost sight of Orman during the fight in the central square. He saw him fall to a big pirate swinging some kind of jagged blade. The one Verfy and Dillen and Nixie and I slew. I remember Dillen shouting at us that the pirate had killed him, but I almost thought it was not true. Unfortunately, it was...   Alas, none of Heron's people returned. We did find them, in the end. In the square.... They had fallen. All of them. Heron, Brunek, Lafk'u, Raizo, Menn'e.... And then, they were resurrected, and fought as undead... And they reached the square. Thankfully they were killed by arcane, so their bodies were still whole so we could bury them. Thankfully... what a word to use in such context, Eve... I'm trying to look at the bright side, I guess. I don't know. I can't think straight. I knew we'd lose people this fight. I was fully aware that we could all die. But to win, and to then find how many of us perished... It was hard.   At least... At least they died for something. I don't know what Nixie or the others think of it, but I treasure this victory. It may not mean very much for the war effort or whatnot.... I don't know. Yes, I don't want to think their sacrifice was for naught. But, also.... I saw Elves and humans and a fire elemental and a marshlander and a Strygian and people from other dimensions fight side by side. I saw them unite their hearts into one. And prevail.   As I heard that the last surviving Elder said, the undead are strong, but they lack one thing, which makes them weaker than us all: souls. As frail and scared and divided and sinful we are, we have souls. And that gives us something that, in one way or another, helps us prevail all these trials. Souls are immortal. Maybe that's why. Or, maybe, it's because souls are what makes us closer to the Almighty. Where we resemble Him, even in a tiny-tiny bit....   I salute the fallen. They were brave men, who fought to their last breath. I.... I am still shocked. About their deaths. Except Verfy and Xixi, they were our best warriors, I never thought they could even be killed, heh. I will miss them. Heron, most of all. He was a dear friend. Yes, I might have had a problem with him, a little, when he was used by Nixie as a spy-machine into our less-than-holy-thoughts, but I always felt close to him, I always treasured his friendship. He saved my life several times. He was very harsh on the crew and we had our differences, but... Goddamnit, Eve, did he even know? Maybe his last memory of me is that of an idiot shouting at him...   Many perished that fight. Almost everyone, actually. Of the three Elders from Enneth, two died. Miremis also somehow died. Miremis!!! The monstrously powerful Elf whom even a dragon could not budge! I heard she single-handedly destroyed the southern armies.   But then we had more coming. As if it wasn't enough. The Woranians gave us news of the surrounding world. They were led by Sylvia Halvel, a young girl who doesn't even have fitting armor, but who fought alongside the knights as one of them. She's only 18, same as Bart, who incidentally said she was his first love. I was already very tired and very sad and very angry at the whole battle and the world in general and I didn't take it very well then, I feel sorry for it. In any case, Sylvia told us that, well, an alliance of undead and Orcs and furry four-eyed monsters I think Tallion referred to as Ikain anihilated the Common Front's armies in Vormiol. Including ALL the Ionolian mages, as well as the Ionolian army, which joined the Front. May the Almighty forgive them. Brave souls. 500,000 brave souls.   Vormiol is vanquished. Rascodia is probably getting destroyed. But, most heinous of all, this bastard demon Xantinya levelled the entirety of Marion, destroying not just our holy Temple, but the very hill itself, as if to erase history. Yes, Xantinya obliterated the one holiest place for all of humanity. She also destroyed Usa-Laominis. None survived......   I can't imagine what Tallion must be feeling like. But, in all truth, I am equally shook. I, despite appearances, I.... loved my city. Most of all.... I am sure this means Father is dead. I cried a lot when I heard what had happened, because so many countries and people died, forever lost.... But knowing I lost papa was just too much. Even now it's hard to write. I mean... He thought I'd die first, going on this stupid journey. Not stupid, sorry. I hate everything now, because I'm weak and dumb. Leave me alone!   I'll do something someday to get better. Now I just want to mourn.   The battle was on the 15th of September. Astornomers say the days are shorter than the nights after the 15th. So that's your Night encroaching upon us, Xantinya.... Now you sit back and enjoy. You have Weldyn, and Haldric in your palms. You have Orcs and Ikains and undead. You destroyed the Temple. You re-write history and change everything. You can re-write whatever you like. You can ruin as many things as you like. You can't steal our souls. You can never do that.   One day, I hope to be strong enough to show you that.   May the Almighty have mercy on the many who died in His name, be they believers or not.   Dear Sea, please look after Father. He's lonely. Unless he can find Mother. Which I hope he does. I know he loved her very, very much. I'm just an ungrateful daughter whom he never really saw. Who wasn't there when he needed her the most.

"If you look up and count your foes, you will bear them all your life. I counted friends, and they kept multiplying" Conrad I of Worania, upon facing off Falsnor XII of Rascodia before the battle of Tora.   Dear journal,   I feel physically weak, but I'm trying to write. This journey really tests my poppy-constitution. Hah, warrior! Haha, it's as if the Almighty tries to transmit through every possible means that I'm not one. It's fine, I got it the first time. I think the era of childish dreams is long since over. My dreams have been evolving of late. Like, for example, I now would like to dream more of a small white angel with a beautiful smile...   Our journey is almost at an end. I mean, our original journey to Vaneolin. I'm more than sure it's far from over in the bigger scheme. Heh. Or it could be over tomorrow night..   I'm trying to focus on the story, to keep my stupid thoughts away, but I'm not very good, dear journal, you know me. I just have to think and overthink and pollute myself and others with my stupid mind. I can't stop thinking whether Nixie still considers me my friend. I'm so afraid I've lost her. I have to brush this off. Far worse stuff happen to other people, as I'll explain.   We reached the island of Roib, and we talked to that Roseld fellow. His means of solving our problem were far from benign, so we had to have a discussion on what to do. Nixie and Verfy and Heron wanted to use Roseld at least to get into the Inner City (without actually carrying out his plans), but I thought that was dangerous. A man like Roseld doesn't just collect randoms from the street and send them to kill the leaders of a powerful shut-in city like that, without a plan. And without means to clear all witnesses, including the culprits themselves (us). Bart and Tallion agreed with me. Strange how this time Bart and Tallion agreed with each other, and Verfy and Nixie, respectively. Usually Verfy and Tallion are the ones to side with each other. Well, Verfy is less cautious than our magic-man.   Still, since Nixie had the deciding vote in a tie, we went with plan A: following Roseld's plan, to a point. We agreed to have him get us into the Inner City. On his terms. In his pace. I immediately sensed something was very wrong when he immediately called us into the Inner City. Things moved fast and we were soon past the huge and incredibly thick Great Seal (the main gate into the inner city). I'm not good at descriptions, but... That was a sight I can't forget. Past those huge iron doors was... the greatest city I've ever seen. Columns of granite, sculpted into the volcano, flanked a long, beautiful corridor, lighted by tenths of weird white lights that shone past stained glass on the walls. The corridor split into several smaller ones, but the main road led to a roundabout, in whose middle a huge column lied, with tenths of arches sprouting out of it in all sides like the petals of a flower. They were literally sculpted like petals. I've never seen such craftsmanship before. And the soldiers escorting us had weapons of great finesse, halebards with spikes instead of a blade, and tower shields curved so that a soldier could stay in guard position with his lance on the side of the shield, and his head still protected by the upper-right corner. I saw others bearing even more terrible weapons. Big iron and wood sticks, with an iron barrel at the end. I've heard something from Tallion before: they were muskets. I immediately remembered those weapons the IDS used, the guns. They were guns. Roibans have guns.   I was also impressed with the attire of the citizens there. Well, obviously not all were inner-city citizens, most of them were from Greygold Port or Taloa, the two outer localities. But the inner city folk wore white cloaks tied with red or blue cardigans and wore expensive necklaces with pearls and silver or gold and small spherical glass beads with mercury or some other reddish substance (I think bromine) in them. Weird people. Rich, nonetheless.   Soon we found ourselves before one of the 5 councilors we were supposed to ... eliminate. Perrin Gertis, or something. I decided to shut up and let the grown-ups speak. Well, it didn't last very long. Gertis thought we were representatives of Vaneolin, who came there to talk money. Ewelon Roseld fooled us... It was obvious. I became nervous. Did he just want us to do both his plans at the same time? Or was it something else? When Gertis started pointing out that Tallion was in Damaschini's crew, and that Damaschini had stolen something from Roib, I understood... The chamber was shut, and I was very distraught by those obsidian tracks on the ground (very beautiful coupled with the marble planks on the floor, had this futuristic and immaculate look, but... I thought it was more than just decorative). Then he arrested Tallion for stealing! And I got it. It was going to be a mass wipe.   Yup. There you go. The door opened and soldiers wanted to pour in, but Bart reacted quickly enough, blocked Gertis in a time bubble and Verfy knocked him down. Bart quickly found the button used to open the door and shut it. Only one soldier had made it through, and Nixie took care of him with an ice spell. But now sleeping gas poured from all sides of that circular wall. Bad, very bad. I tried to muster all my vitality into those moments, just a few moments I needed to stay awake and strong, so I could help... Useless me collapsed.   After that, it's foggy. I don't know exactly what happened, and I never really asked that much. I remember waking up in terrible shape. My head hurt like a million hammers, or like my dad and Tallion bickering me in the same time. My face was on fire. Literally burning and stinging. I demanded a mirror, but those boots only spoke Roiban. Finally one gave it to me and I saw myself, all red, face kind of swollen, like some boiled chicken. I was so ashamed of myself. What happened, though?   It mattered not. I was worried for the others. The doctors told me to stay put, or so I think. Normal-Eve would attack them. But I'm good Eve now, I have to be good and behave. I can't cause problems right now. Remember our blasted situation? Maybe Tallion was arrested, well, all of us, maybe we were accused of murder!   When they finally took me to them, I found out all of it was true: we were prisoners, and accused of murder. Cute.   But when I saw Bart and the rest, I could only feel joy. I hugged Bart so hard but it hurt my very skin. I must be peeling off like a new potato. I tried to hide myself from Bart after the fact but my skin kept shedding and I kept having problems with my face, luckily for me Vas helped me with some healing ointments and at least my face became better. Back to the main story though and not the story of how cute poppy Eve lost the little cuteness she had and turned into Potato-Eve, we were accused of attempted murder. It seemed Gertis had vanished, but not before, while hospitalised, accusing Tersiolis king of Vedia and Roseld himself of trying to kill him. I looked at Bart and he grinned. What did you doooooo????   Well, whatever he did, it worked. There was a trial, of which I mostly remember by headaches: headeache no. 15 was the judges citing the accusation. Headache 17 was Tersiolis speaking. By headache no. 20 (a very big one) Kelly came and promised to build some anti-dragon thing. Huh? Headaches 21 to 25 prevented me from registering that information.   By the time the trial was over, everyone was acquited, and Kelly had earned a bag full of gold. Oh... I never understimated her resourcefulness, but still... I think she thinks she's being stealthy, but I kind of understand her logic. She wants money so she could buy what couldn't be bought in her own dimension: magic. Probably for her face, not her weapons. Maybe she hopes someone can reconstruct it.   Still, I don't want to belittle her. I have to admit that despite my initial distrust I'm starting to like her. Maybe it has to do with what happened next.   So, we got out of Roib. Only then did my addled burned and boiled brain process the fact that Vadrek was dead. He died in that room where I boiled. I couldn't believe it. Vadrek was a tough one. Even with his back in shambles. I really felt bad. I doubt he ever thought he'd perish, not like that at least. He deserved better. He deserved to die fighting in the war against Evil, not... Ugh. I said I won't think about all these stupid things.   But the reality is that we did nothing in Roib. The Iomenites and others who came with us were long since gone. Roib never offered to shelter any of them. We were basically thrown out of the inner city.   Just as we left 21 dragons came fromt he sky.   Ye. Twenty one dragons, like that children's song about doves in a tree.   Well, Kelly's canon thingie shot a shell full of alchemical wonders which froze-pierced one dragon's head. Wow. I was shocked. Never saw something that terrifying that was not a.. you know, a dragon. But only one died. And these dragons had riders. And the riders shot rays of distructive fire on the cannon and destroyed it. We just scurried away. Nothing we could do... Is Roib destroyed? I....   I can't gloss over this, damnit! I hate this! Why can't I be myself!? Because I'm stupid!? Why can't I be myself by being smart!? I JUST HATE WHAT HAPPENED! I would've ignored that old prick even if it meant getting arrested! what coudl he do to us, accuse us of stepping on his flowers!? We could shout our way into an audience and plead to these idiots to get a move on, take their most important artifacts and just scurry away to safety! Roib was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, and now it's possibly destroyed forever!! Who knows how many precious artifacts and knowledge and technology is lost!? I'm sure Kelly learnt some alchemy and didn't tell us (she had only 5 days but she's Kelly, smartest human I've ever met). We left as foes, not friends, and they fell almost in front of our eyes.   I don't know. It doesn't feel right. All of this. Are we so weak? Not us like this boat. Humans in general. And Elves. And all the races that are now getting stomped. Is it so easy? Was it always? i doubt that. They would've stomped us a long time ago, if it were the case. Then? What happened? I remember the discussions between the mages who drank with father. And the discussions between Tallion's classmates. Magic fails. Humans are greedy and evil. The kingdoms of men are dying. Worania is a lie. The 30 peoples were united only for 20 years. The orcs are rising. Bhah. I never thought I'd see the end come so sudden. But... People have been feeling it for generations now. Ever since Illien tried his Ael Velle, his campaign against the Orcs... No one tried after him. No one tried anything. Now, we die.   Fine.   Not this boat!   That evening we had a... discussion. It was a very heated argument, really. Us, the party, plus Dillen and Xebec and Kelly. They started arguing on the dragon story. Nixie was mad we thought of ourselves as invincible, and Verfy and especially Bart were mad that respecting Nixie's orders meant overstepping their morality. I couldn't understand either. How can Nixie be on the other side of the value scale? We all share the same values! We all want to protect life! Nixie understands the value of life! Why accuse Nixie of not caring that much, or of having different priorities!? But then again, why did Nixie keep saying that going straight to Roib would've saved us time!? (when Roib in an of itself was our big failure, not Iomen, where we barely lost a day or less). Maybe I was arrogant for charging up the street to fight that dragon....   Or maybe.... I don't know. Is it so I can sleep at night? I can't sleep at night. I try. I see Roib burning. Do they!? I see Iomen burning. Do they!? It's not about who is responsible. What relevance does it have?! All this destruction and death.... It's... A DONE THING. I can't stand this! Done things! We will never see Prepo or Vedia or Roib again. Names that either endured the ages or that were brand new creations of hope in a better future. Now, dead. The great Change destroyed them all. The New World Order.   I'm arrogant. For believing I'm a warrior. I know. I felt that. That's why I threw my sword away. I'm no warrior. I want to protect life. I've pledged myself to that. I promised, maybe not consciously, but I'll do it now, here, I promise I won't hurt the living. I'll fight Death, and Destruction, and Evil, with the weapons that I can wield. Not that of a warrior. But other weapons. Which are maybe just as good. They'll see. I won't let any more of them die.....   In the end, I couldn't stand that argument. I felt Bart and Tallion were ready to question Nixie's position as captain at some point, Xebec even presented it as such: either be loyal or choose a captain you can cope with. But then it all changed when we slowly realised the room was acting strange. The demon had come. It shut the door and started throwing stuff at us.   Then the wall itself............... bent. Like the bending Tallion described you could do if you reach a higher understanding of the fabric of the universe. Pieces of the wooden wall transformed into superfast growing spikes that pierced us. The demon could manipulate the physical world around us! Now I think I know why, it's because of our magical essence, because our magic is corrupted by terror, and anger, and other such miseries, and the demon can tap into that and use its own power to bend this magical essence and all that depends on it (matter, for example). Damn demon is strong! And we are weak.....   I won't get into the details of the exact "Battle", for more relevant is what happened in our minds. We somehow all reached the same point (it took Bart a while longer, it seems, because of his fight with Nixie he just couldn't be there at first): we all thought of our wonderful Sea.   Kelly had given Verfy (Who was badly hit by the demon's magic - uncounscious and almost possessed-like) Sea's mask, and I don't know why she did it. I looked at her, she was panicked, I think for the first time in a very long time, because she was more confused at her own panic then anything else. But she did this one thing that changed all my perception of her. Maybe there's something human in there after all....   By the end, all of us were together in mind and spirit, linked by our love for each other and for Sea, who had protected us and loved us so much more, unconditionally..... And.....   *smudge*   She came to us. I don't know how, why even, other than that she loves us so much that she could transcend everything. But the demon was chased away from our souls, and Sea herself, white, winged and all smiling, came into the room. That's when she went through all of us hands opened, in a big ethereal hug we couldn't feel physically, but that warmed us more than any fire or blanket.   I don't want to squander that moment, but.... I'm not worthy of that.   That's when we saw Xebec was not lifting from the floor. Some of us checked and, well... he was dead. A spike pierced his chest. He died protecting Verfy and all of us. He died fighting the demon. He was a fine man.   *smudge*   It's hard to even write. Damn. I... I don't know. After that, Sea left a cookie, a real cookie, beside Xebec's head, and....   Ah darn it. She is so beautiful and kind, I felt a drove of emotions overtaking me. We all did, actually. When she did leave, I wanted to stop her at first, but I knew it was inevitable. We are worlds apart. Yet she still feels close. That moment we knew she is there, above, thinking about us, trying to help us. I felt no disappointment, no anger, no fear for us, even. Only love. Her innocence is disarming, but, in many ways, so, so strong. I think it gave us some strength, too.   Clearly, Verfy needed that. When we got out, it was already dark; obviously, no one had heard anything, as if the captain's quarters had become a separate entity during this fight. Anywhoo, the crew were confused to see us finally emerge, wounded and battered and overwhelmed by so many feelings. We explained to them, to the best of our ability, and we announced the death of Xebec.   I didn't see any face that was not at lest troubled. Even Dillen was overwhelmed by that moment. Xebec had been their captain and, even if they hadn't acknowledged (some of them), they respected him a lot. I don't imagine they believed he was mortal, even, since he always went where the fight was thickest and emerged alive out of it. But now, no more.   I tried to comfort Verfy, in any way I could, but I decided to leave her some space. I saw her cry in a faraway corner, unbeknownst to anyone. She wants to be strong, for the crew. She IS strong, stronger than I could be, but she still has many feelings and can't just bottle them up. I know how she loved him. I'll try my best to stick around and make sure she's fine. I know she can't be outright and I'll respect that. I just hope she'll be left alone by these stinking demons.   We sent off Xebec on a small boat, which Verfy ignited. It felt like the end of an era, in a way. For some reason, I felt that our time on the ship itself was drawing to an end. Xebec was gone, and he had held the helm since forever. Hm. The prophecy he fought fulfilled, in the end. Or maybe it didn't. He died, yes. But his death, and his life, will not be forgotten, by anyone on this boat. And I'm sure his name will live on. Either transmitted to our children, and our children's children, or through that book Nixie is writing, which I'm sure will be a cornerstone read pretty soon in the future, when- Almighty give us strength - we will have overcome this Change or Doom or how you want to call it.   Xebec has shattered his prophecy.   The next days were gloomy, but in the same time a little hopeful. Dillen now holds the helm, he's not great at it, but not terrible, either. I still have headaches, and I feel constantly on the brink of getting ill, so I spend my time in bed reading the Runebook. Oh, I've started practicing too, I need to be able to see if I can finally use all the connectors and components I learned about to create these more complex runes. Soon I'll be able to help them, more truly.   I am quite annoyed with myself that I couldn't really help them then, with the demon. Not too much, anyway. I failed to wake Verfy, I failed to protect Bart or help him come with us. I spent those days at sea mostly in bed and mostly reading, but I wished I could stay with Bart. He sometimes spent time with me in the room, practicing his singing. He has such a beautiful voice. I know he wants to reach any soul, but he always reaches mine already. Uh, I'll have to somehow talk to him about what happened in the room back then, with the demon. I'm not very sure where he stands now, especially regarding Nixie. He seems to have overcome most of his negative thoughts, but I don't know. I want to protect him. I love him. He must not be hurt! I'll multiply my hands by one thousand and lose all of them before anyone else lays a hand on him! I'll also use my thousand hands to slap him for not trusting Nixie!   I just hope these wounds would heal already, and these headaches would pass. Bart probably thinks I'm disgusting. Oh, dear journal, if only you knew! I'm writing some things, but not all. Like that I really needed to feel pretty and loved. But I didn't want to bother Bart with such superficial things.   I really am changed, am I not? Months ago if I wanted something I would reach out and take it. I still do that with some things. But not with all. Heh. In any case, those days were quiet, as we traversed the Naga Sea. Most of the time the weather was nice. It's not a bad place, the coasts to the north are inhabited by Elves, but they are at the edge of Fordel, must be a tough place to live. The sea itself draws its name from Nagas, a weird animal part fish, part human, with some very powerful jaws. We didn't encounter them, luckily.   Oh, I also spent some time teaching Xixi our language. She started to really pull through. We can have basic conversations in common and she understands quite a few words, even if she's incapable of pronouncing most of them the right way. She also really can't pronounce the letter r. And she calls Tallion Etetek, as in Heretic, but I think she no longer hates him. Somehow, I think she might actually change her perspective on his heresy, but we haven't talked about it.   I also spent some time talking to Drenizek these days. Our lyre-singing monk had an inkling on what I was reading in the Letters to a Better Man and asked me some questions about my ability to resist spells. We ended up talking about reinforcing body with our spirit, and having the will to break a sword by just blocking it with the palm of your hand. It seems Drenizek wants to be stronger. And he feels that at some point his body alone will not be enough. He is very sad that he can't protect us. His will almost scared me. He is determined, and I mean really determined, to fight for us and grow in power so he can better protect us. But he feels he's reaching his limits. He can't fight dragons, or armies of undead, or necromancers, or the like. He wants to find ways to transcend the limitations of his strength. So I'm trying to guide him, as much as I can, mostly by reading what Illien had to say on these matters.   At some point, Tallion told us we had to change directions. Awaiting us at a narrow pass between the continent and the island of Tolss, named the Gamble, was a small fleet of ships, and Tallion saw two red eyes on one of them, a black ship Verfy recognised as being a Nalvoragent - a ship used by Xantinya to transport Radovians to the Continent of Elements, for her war there, years back. Huh.   We decided to go to Nesim, the Elvish city in the south of Arodil Forest. Go go, ship! We kind of feared the worst because of that damned Nalvoragent and the red eyes, seemingly belonging to this Cato fellow, who, as you may recall, is actually dead.   We did enter Nesim bay and the city appeared before our eyes, with its white walls and large harbour. Only one slight inconvenience.... Flying atop the towers were flags, but not the flags of Vaneolin..... but the Three-pointed Lance...........   I've never seen a ship turn around so quickly. The Elves followed us. Their leaders had just boared our ship so they could talk to us about what to do next, when we saw the flags. Now we were running back, but we saw some ships coming from the south, from afar, and reckoned Red-eyes-Cato was coming too. We were pursued by some ships that left Nesim harbour, too. They had black sails and bore the strange mark we found at the temple in Riponia, an eye surrounded by a red ring. And Also the Lance. And the ships were manned by undead Elves....   Poor Elves. They were devastated. We were, too. Was it too late already!? Was Vaneolin already gone!? What was going on? Why did the undead fly the Three-pointed Lance? Who created these undead? Where did they come from? Very, very chilling thoughts...   We beached the ships on the Irilosi shore and made a run for it. I, still cowering from a general sickness, wasn't particularly fast. I saw Kelly collapse like a brick after jumping ship. She's having her weird episodes of going limp, again. I lifted her up but she wound up almost carrying me. I'm so weak. Well, poppy-Eve managed to get her legs to work (more than her still red face) and we ran into the woods, not before discovering the trail of an entire army that marched north a week and a half ago, through there. Myeah. So the undead landed on the Irilosi Peninsula and marched north. Where did they come from, though? Ugh.... Is nowhere safe anymore? Probably. Xantinya did warn us, didn't she...   Well, in those hills in the middle of the peninsula, we were kind of safe. The Elvish druids kept scouting for us. The last time she did scout, she found that the city of Metherol (our initial landing target) was besieged by a massive undead army, which seemed set to assault the city in a day or so. They had rams and siege towers and the like. What to do?   We discussed it at length. The Elves, led by the 3 Wise members of the council, wanted to help their brethren. Nixie was a little undecided at first. Bart wanted to help as much as possible then flee, but that wasn't an option, at least not in my Nutcase-book. Well, the Elves were with me on this one. We also asked the crew, and... well. I saw the faces of brave men and women lift from the ground and stare back at us. Drenizek was the first to say "yes, we go to fight". The others followed. Marc was a little unsure he could be of use, since we were "monsters" and he was weak. Hahahaha, MArc, you poor fellow, I'm far weaker than you are. Plus, you survived a lot of stuff. You won't die today. Nixie told him exactly this (well, the last part, not the Eve-is-weak part we all know anyway). And it worked. Xixi was determined to smack some undead skulls. As for Kelly.... I think she's still too confused about the demonic encounter to think properly, otherwise she would've protested, I think. So, everyone was on board. We were going to go to Metherol, slip past the siege using the druidic powers of our Elvish friends, and help the city survive the assault and prevail.   Next morning, we woke up early to start moving towards our target. Metherol was close by, we could see the hills starting to decrease in height. But before we left, something incredible happened. Some kind of person rushed through the bushes and burst out in front of us, almost giving us a good scare. He was exhausted and kind of scared, frankly, but he spoke our language, and his first words were "Damn your dimension!"   I was wide-eyed, and so were the others. We took him to our side of the camp and listened to what he had to say. His name was Gilders Raspadon, and he was the brother of this Bajid guy Tallion and Damaschini and their party had met back in Dushen / the dimension of the spirit. Why was he there, though? It seems that Bajid and his wife Lullaby (the Queen from the Tallion story - woops) sent him to find Damaschini, Tallion or any other member of the old party in order to find out what was going on in our dimension and to ask them whether their help was needed. Lullaby and Bajid and Gilders found out about the war Xantinya launched from none other than Tallion's least favourite companion Zarkuz the Ikain. I remember Tallion said not to trust this guy, Zarkuz. Gilders and Lullaby and Bajid also seemed not to really trust him, since the lattter two sent Gilders here to find the truth. They can't come in person because they're king and queen of a big country and because they could be detected. But Gilders is not an "interdimensional" if you will, he can't bend the elements of reality, so he's a regular guy. Well, I bet he's not really regular. He told us about his very rich childhood, it seems he had his fair share of fights, especially since their group (which was made of them three plus a girl called Antonia and some creature called Ghighi which Tallion described as insufferable and Gilders as genius - so I know whom to trust) had many adventures of their own. Anywhoo, he came with the message: "do you need help? If so, we'll come".   I found out Lullaby is actually pregnant. Does she really want to come to this festival of death and destruction? She has her own kingdom to run, apparently. Hm. I don't know much about them. I'll ask Tallion. It seems we have more friends than we thought. I wonder what Zarkuz wants, too. Gilders said Zarkuz wants to come to the Primordial Tree. He doesn't seem to be on our side, but he isn't exactly an enemy, either, since he helped us. He might try to play both sides, for all we know. Still, his help could prove decisive....   We have more friends than foes. I can feel that now. Strange. I feel hopeful today. Very hopeful.   I know you are here with us, little star. I love you Sea <3   May the Almighty protect us and shield Metherol and its inhabitants, and give us strength. The War has finally started for us. May we have Your blessing to prevail.

"A done thing is as foreign and terrifying to man as the realm of the Devils" - Illien the Great, in his Letters to a Better Man   Dear journal,   I write this as we sail towards Roib, the volcano-island. It's been a more than busy couple of days. In fact, I can barely recover from all that has happened so far, and something tells me I won't have much time either. We're in the middle of a maelstrom here. A maelstrom of dragonfire, and a maelstrom of our own feelings and thoughts.   Or at least I'm like that.   Last time I wrote in you, we were preparing to depart Prepo island. There was a hopeful feeling on the ship, as everyone returned from the island with something, finally after all these incredible and harsh adventures we were allowed some of the pleasures of civilization, little as it could be found on that panic-stricken land. But off we went.   I actually had an important job that day. Keep captain Nixie away from her quarters for a little while. And since I wanted to talk to her about that dream she had concerning a demon and an angel, I figured it was the perfect moment. I took her to the bathhouse and we talked about that dream. Nixie once again told me everything about it, and I tried to help her navigate through the signs, the choices she had to make, trying to figure out what they meant and what happened, in truth, in there.   I got to say, dear journal, I was never a believer in the importance of dreams. I remember stumbling upon a book on dreams by an old mage from pre-Ionolian times. It was in the old east-of-worania dialect, but it was readable. I skimmed through the pages but concluded it was just bollocks. Musings of people still influenced by pre-Almightyist conceptions. I can sometimes be a crusty wizard-thinkalike myself, dear journal.   In any case, Nixie's dream was different than the normal ones I heard about. Or even the weirder ones. This was clearly more than a dream. It was a stage with 3 people in it, and each had a different role. Nixie was actually the director, but not the screenwriter, if you like. She could influence her dream, but the demon and the angel gave her the content. The angel was clearly trying to warn Nixie. The demon kept her in familiar, comfortable places, as all good demons do. Their greatest power remains making you forget about them, if only a little. So the angel had to be more ominous, if it were to reach Nixie. Using the aspect of a spotted sparrow, it tried to attract her attention, but Nixie didn't trust it. Bad omens are always things we like to keep away.   That's the thing, though. Unfortunately, bad omens are needed now. Maybe I was wrong in my attitude too, in the same way. We kind of repel bad thoughts and feelings and signs, because we want to feel happy and safe. But we're not. We're at a turning point... In any case, Nixie had a mixed reaction to the sparrow, sometimes trying to find more about what it had to say, sometimes repelling it. At one point the sparrow(s) drew swords, pointed at her. The angel was urging Nixie to fight. But the crafty demon hid well, Nixie didn't see that her dream was overrun by it. So she did not know that she had to fight it out.   By the time the two beings came clashing down, it was kind of late. Nixie now had to choose and help one of them. She had, probably, more control than she felt she had. But that's dreams for you. I hate them. Sometimes you know you're in one, sometimes you don't. And a lot of times you know you're in a dream and you do things you would never do while awake. By the way, is that sinning? If I kill someone in my dream, for example, knowing it's a dream? Or is it worse if you don't know it's a dream? But what if you dream you are someone else? I'm glad the Priests simply stated that dreams are irrelevant in this sense. But then... What about Nixie? Dreams clearly have importance. Maybe we were wrong all along to discard them. But if that's true, I'm afraid I've dreamt my fair share of bad stuff.....   I remember talking about it with Drenizek, back in Enneth, when we spent an entire week together. Hm... Though I feel our bond of friendship is strong, after that incident with Dillen I feel something broke in him, he was left on his own that day, after his confessions, no one came for him and I think he is getting used with Aedyra's idea of being alone on your boat. I talked about that with Bart, but we'll get back to that. I drift away. So I was talking about dreams with Drenizek, his dream of Mouthless Marcel and so on. Drenizek believed that some dreams may be normal, while others are not. Usually you are alone in your dreams. But what if you're not? That's when problems arise. But how to know? Nixie could've sensed that, but then again, she had to discern between an angel and a demon!   I don't know what I would've done in her stead. It's impossible to say. What is certain is that Nixie didn't choose, she ran away, then she tried to fight that army of undead that appeared in front of her, but gave up mid-way, before reaching a light that was beyond them. That lead her to the scene with the crew. Where she dreamt to versions of her telling them about our purpose: a realistic one, and the one she wanted. The demon was seemingly crafty in giving her what she wanted, while the angel tried to hit her with the hard truth. To her credit, Nixie didn't go to the end with the demon's version. But in the end the demon won, the angel lost, and now the demon is firmly latched onto her, probably.   We tried to find out what the angel wanted to convey to her. Basically, that Mottar the Bane of Widows is around, probably as a representation of all our grief on the ship, that reality is ugly but must be faced, that hope must not be lost in spite of hardships, and that there is no easy way out. And, most importantly, that you have to desire the harder, uglier outcome, for the sake of other people, rather than the easier outcome, which would be good just for you.   Verfy pitched in, too, at some point, and the discussion soon turned into a discussion about Bart... I told them I'm sad Bart didn't really explain to me what happened to him, only that "something" happened, and they urged me to trust him more. I felt like garbage. I don't want to admit I don't trust Bart enough. I love him! But maybe trust was an issue. I can't seem to trust anything. Is my faith so shallow, too? I've been pondering that. Faith IS trust. Do I trust us, myself, the Almighty? Stupid thoughts destroying my trust must've had an easy job. I'm far from a strong fortress of faith, a shield of an Ael Velle cooked up inside a stupid damsel's mind. That's my Lampsidron. That's my boat of happy crewmates. But the ugly reality there, the army of undead shouts it: I'm just some crazy woman running around and ruining everybody's day and faithless and weak. I can't stay like that.   I thanked the girls for their help. A little later, I saw Nixie talk to Drenizek about the paintings. Foxy bastard rebuilt all of Nixie's painting gear, and then told the crew to hang frames for pictures all across the mess hall, with small notes with ":(" on them. Hehe. Nixie has some painting to do. I'm sure she'll enjoy doing this. I saw her smile, like really smile, for the first time in weeks.   But it was not to last.   Damn you, Eve!   On the boat there was some commotion, partly because of Drenizek's attempt to brighten the mood with some decorations (other than the frames, he had some kind of glass lamps and candles, to replace the ugly torches with - plus, they are safer. And some other stuff, like a chest for the crew's clothes and some other trinkets - he basically spent all his money either on Nixie's paintings or on this stuff). Partly it was because the party went to assault Kelly with questions about the other dimensions. I'm not sure if they see it, but Kelly is very, very, very uninterested in human contact. As an expert in avoiding human contact myself, I can certify. But she has no choice, and I feel she has enough questions of her own to pose us, so she has to endure. Haha.   In any case, a storm started to brew, so we went to our posts to brace for it. I was in my room, cleaning up, when I heard strange footsteps, like someone was walk-dancing. I opened the door and saw no one. Strange... I then walked on the corridor to see if anyone was there, bumped into a very distraught Orman, who told me he also heard something. I went back and suddenly I saw someone climbing the ladder to the mess hall. For a very weird reason, I was convinced it was my father. By the time I climbed, too, no one was there.........   Talion then told us he saw the weird assasin-cat Cato (one of Damaschini's weirdest accomplices) on the mast, grinning at him with red eyes. Then Orman barged in and told us he saw Maltor, who even gave him a die and asked him to play with him. The die was real, and on the main mess hall table. Not right. Just not right. I remembered the spotted sparrow. Damn Mottar.....   Then we saw some Vedian ships bypassing us for Prepo, but then a dragon roared and we all scrambled out of there.... In the panic, Brunek came on deck with a hit on his head, shouting that the ship hit him.... Like, specifically. It was weird, but strangely believable. This ship is... it's attacking us. Well, not the ship itself, it's weird... It's like we're in a dream, you know? And the ship is controlled by someone else. It's because our souls and memories linked to the ship all are affected. And this weakness lets the demon corrupt the magical layer around us, to poison our mind and spirit, and this almost gives the demon physical powers, I think. A terrible power. If demons can affect the physical word... That explains the markings, and the die.... But, God.... It's bad. It's very, very bad.   We stopped by Ursilan island that night. Had fun memories about the name. I used to read this big compendium on Vedian history from papa's library. Big thing, heavy, too. In woranian, at least. Old Vedia, the greatest city of man outside Gava, was on this island. But we didn't get to see it. Instead, we got to hear two dragons, and see how they started to light the night with their fires. Ursilan was burning.   It was such a horrible feeling. Nowhere was safe. At any moment, the dragons might come to kill us. Then what? But more importantly, we felt death in the air. Destruction. All these beautiful lands and innocent people... Ruined. Forever.......... The end. The end? We said we are not seeing an end. But a change. I don't like this change. But can we stop it? We should. We want to. But where? It's already happening, all around us.   The next morning, tired and scared, we anchored in Iomen port, the new capital of a new Vedia. The city was in complete chaos, there was even a fire. Bart soon found out why: the city was lawless, its king, Tersiolis, had fled with all the nobility and sought refuge in the Inner City of Roib island, the legendary city built inside a volcano, protected by the thickest steel doors in history and by the technological and alchemical marvels of the Serene Tallia.   Monsters and men. Man was a monster. We looked at the population. Some were fighting to get on the few ships available. Everyone was trying to get out. We got the crew to try to extinguish the fire, but in the end it was Nixie's powers that helped put out the flames. I felt sad. The world was collapsing all over us. Instead of growing in power to face the obvious evil, man was shattered. Panic, panic and hate and death. Obviously, right? What can they do? Yes...   I finally understood why Xantinya shouted in the skies: "I come, I come, and none shall stop it!" That's the point. She can announce it. The new order. It won't help men join up and feel strong and defeat her. It will just scare everyone. She has shattered our souls. She is shattering them now. With dragonfire, and with our own weakness.   I could only mutter Illien's words I quoted at the beginning. A done thing... I never thought of it so much, but by the Almighty it makes sense! We always see fickleness, frailty, flexibility, and we usually hate it, but... it also means second chances, respite, rebuilding... But a done thing... It's done. Done! Sten burns. It's done! Prepo burns, probably. It's done! Thousands are dead. It's done! All is done! "I come, I come, and none shall stop it!"   That's the real power of a Demon.   Just as I was thinking about it, a roar, earth-shattering. A dragon. Oh, God, not any dragon. I saw its azure glow in the sky, coming from the west. An Azure Dragon, one of the largest beasts in the world, as I would soon find out. I had only seen that black dragon back then. We did gaze on this beast on East Sten, but from afar, from between the flames. It was gigantic. Two-thirds larger than the black dragon. Its entire head was half our ship or more. Its wings were large enough to cover the citadel of Iomen with them. The horrifyingly powerful and large beast flew directly in the port, burned down some ships and houses and immediately set upon the citadel.   That's when all the blood came rushing to my head. It was going to be another done thing. Right before our eyes. Maybe we'll die there, too. Nixie shouted at us to fall back to the ship. The crew, lead by Xebec, immediately started running towards the ship. The entire city was in full panic, people killing each other for one chance to get on board of a ship. Others scrambled to their cellars, or inside houses. Some were so terrified they collapsed to the ground and hoped for the best. Maybe the middle of the street was safer, since the dragon blast had just obliterated 8-9 houses in a row. The dragon was quite... happy. Trampling the towers of the citadel, ripping open its main building like you would carve open a chicken's breast with your fork and knife.   As for us... We were quarelling. Verfy refused to run, and I saw Bart and Tallion also unwavering. I was just blocked. I saw Nixie repeat: we must fall back. Dear journal, I think you know how idiotic I usually am. Well, that day I made up for all my time on the ship. I drew my useless sword and just charged up the street, towards the dragon.   Why?   I can be honest here. I don't know. Ah, I do know. The other day I was talking with them about recklessness and courage, saying we must fall into the former. Talking about taking down dragons, I was on Nixie's side, explaining that we can't really do that. Tallion was actually very rude and oafish about his need to explain to me that I have no argument so I should shup up, basically. Well, that day, seeing the dragon there... I couldn't back off. Not any more. Too many done things. Too much death. What was I? A stupid fighter-damsel, fighting dragons now. Whatever, right? I charged.   Illien also said that he hated taking orders from the brass, so he rose to the top. But I won't rise to the top, ever. I will have to learn, I guess.   The dragon was soon bored with trampling the building and turned towards us. That moment I knew we could all die, in spite of the powerful layer of magical protection Oaf-ion had blessed us with. I immediately decided to use a spell I figured out from my many inquiries of Tallion's Magic School courses. I remembered the main ideas, and I had the practice of all these other spells. It was quite strong, my body fusing with the magic within so that it will be hidden under it like you would hide someone around a blanket in a magic trip and make them disappear. I was there, but I could not be hit. I waited for the dragon to blast his flames. He did, but it was actually a fireball. He almost swallowed his tongue because Bart dissed him in such a way I almost lost focus myself; I almost knocked myself out of my trance, which needs full concentration to work. Anyway...   A fight started. Obviously. The dragon attacked again, just as Verfy and Xixi and Heron and our new mate Anevis (an Elf gardener that hitched a ride on our boat, a very hard-boiled character I must add) climbed or went under the dragon's huge head. Tallion once again rose to the sky - from the boat, he had been sent to protect it from the panicking mob - to fight with arcanic bolts against the creature, while Nixie and Miremis were trying to hit the dragon with frost spells. MIremis had a wonderful bow of ice, actually.   The dragon, still, didn't care. It was gigantic. Why would it. It rose to the sky and attacked Tallion. Verfy and the rest were still latched to it, except Anevis, who almost died trampled into the dust. Bart, my poor Bart, was almost killed by the last blast of flames, so I went to help him. But I also had to help Tallion, so I channeled that little faith I have and tried to pray for his wellbeing, casting my magic over him so it would help him. Tallion almost got eaten, actually, but a hawk (!?) saved him. Later found out it was a warged hawk. Elf magic is scarily strong. The dragon destroyed Tallion's magical mirror-clone, which also sent lightning bolts on it. Then it turned around on the port and started blasting the defenseless ships... God....   We were kind of useless there, so we ran towards the port. Just as we were trying to reach it, the dragon turned around and started flying towards us! I would not budge. I had to do something, anything. I felt my life was as irrelevant as any rock on that paved road. I would stand my ground and find a way to bring it down. But then I saw the Elves. Miremis especially was scary. She had risen a little from the ground, all blue and eyes spewing lignting, almost. Her voice trembled the ground as she shouted at us to get back and at the people on the dragon to jump. I saw her, one of the druids and Nixie preparing some spells for a while now. It had become very cold, and rainy. There were weird winds in the air. I felt something was about to happen.   And it did. In one incantation, in a split second, all the water that had been circling the demon froze shut, in a cage of ice-shards, and the dragon, stunned as it was, fell on the street. We had to get out of its way, but it was gigantic. Bart pulled me in a basement. Miremis, however, remained in the middle, as the dragon collapsed on her.   As we hurried to get out of the collapsed basement and house, we saw millions of droplets of water sneak from beneath the dragon, climb on each other and re-form in a shape of an elf. Soon, the shape of Miremis appeared, and the droplets slowly turned into her own, unified body. I was left speechless at the power, beauty and especially horror of this Enneth sorceress.   With the huge beast down and stopped, for now, I saw even more fantastic imagery (I swear, no dream could've captured what happened during this fight): Drenizek was flown into by a huge hawk and landed on the dragon's head, using some talisman to knock it a little into the ground. I also saw Xixi scream some Strygian battle cries as she plunged a harpoon into the dragon's right eye. It was like a toothpick trying to penetrate a hay bale, but somehow it was working. Xixi really scares me when she fights. Drenizek joined her and kicked the talisman right into the dragon's wound. Ouch...   Nixie and the Enneth Elves continued frosting the dragon, but the huge beast had so much strength, it broke free of the ice and started running up the hill towards the citadel. However, it was in clear pain, and a lot of stuff had dazzled and slowed his mind. He turned around and blasted some fire towards Tallion (who was still in the air, somehow), but it missed him by a long shot, instead blasting through 12-15 former houses (now rubble), including a very unexpecting Kelly. Triple ouch...   In the end, the dragon took off, not before dropping Heron (!?) and flew into the distance, Xixi and Drenizek still fighting it. Where did Drenizek come from, come to think of it? I actually found out later he had stolen the talisman from Xebec and turned back to help us, when he saw us running towards the dragon. Oh, well.   In the end, the dragon was gone. It didn't come back. Tallion and Drenizek returned with Xixi's smoldering body. She was alive, though, but barely. Poor strygian had been burning since the start of the fight. What an image. A burning 2-and-a-half meter one-eyed blue creature continuously screaming and pushing a harpoon inside a catapult-sized eye of an Azure Dragon. She fought well.   Those two kind of saved us, to think of it.   The aftermath was not so happy, though. Thousands dead, a destroyed city, and... Nixie, angrier than I'd ever seen her. She wanted to have no part in what was going on. Bart and Tallion rounded up all the survivors and started to mobilize them to burn the dead (some undead-bats were flying over us, great!) and organize an evacuation of the city. They shouted "Tallion Aiza" which meant saviour-Tallion and thanked him. Tallion took charge, but I was blocked. I wanted to follow Nixie's orders, not Tallion's. But no orders came. I felt her angry, very, very angry, and I hated myself.   I still do, don't worry. It's a weird look on me, I know, but I'm getting used to it.   We planned to take the vedians to another island, Trekko, and then to Roib. We had to convince Roib (who had closed down and retreated into the Inner City) to help these people. But I had no energy to help. It wasn't about the fight....   I felt very alone that night.   The next day, I went to Nixie and apologised. Apologised for acting recklessly and disobeying her. I did, I know. I'm a bad soldier. I tried to tell her I'm very sorry and that I plan to be a better soldier. She replied that she had learned a very valuable lesson. What does that mean? Why can't she say that she learned not to trust me, not to care for me!? Does she want to give up on her captainship? I won't follow anybody else! Even Bart!   Then I threw my sword at her and told her I'm done fighting. I'll assist them, heal them, protect them, but I'll no longer be a barbarian. The age of Vadreka Eve must be over. I was... To be honest, in my top 3 saddest moments. I had the moment when I told "I love you" to Tallion and he didn't reply immediately, I had the moment when Sea died, but that was a mixed feeling moment I guess... And now this. She just said: "I'm just done with all this". I had an urge to hit her and then hit myself. I wanted to strip my back bare turn to her and ask her to whip me if only she would stop thinking that. Here, take out your anger on me, but don't say you're done!   I felt it like a knife piercing through my throat and slashing me in half. I must say, dear journal, I think I have different friendships with all people on this boat. My friendship with Nixie is arguably the most complicated and mesmerizing. I .... We are different. Very. But I can say this, sorry, Verfy, but I know it's true: I'm her most loyal. I don't even know why, exactly, but I knew then, I would rather let the crocodiles eat me than have her say that to me. God Damnit!   I wouldn't have been able to write any of this, dear journal, if it were not for Bart. I still feel incredibly sad, thinking about it. Will Nixie ever be my friend? I mean, she will talk to me and pretend we're all right, but we're not. If I could pull this out of her "I'm done", I'm a terrible friend and a horrible human being. I was a bad friend from the start. I wrote that wretched letter, I pressured her, that's how she felt, probably, I was maybe as annoying as Tallion, I was annoying with my optimism and stupid idealisms and with my rebellious attitude. And disobeying her was the last straw. I am a bad soldier, but more importantly, a bad friend.   I returned to my room and cried and almost slashed my pillow with my bare hands. Bart found me exhausted and almost sleeping head first into my pillow, maybe I'd suffocate to death like an idiot. He tried to talk to me but I refused him, I was in no mood to talk to another person I disappointed heavily. But he remained there and read my Gavan book. Oh. He knew. He knows how to deal with me. I couldn't ignore him forever! My Bart, you are smart and kind...   I talked to him. In the end. I couldn't be alone. I missed him so much. I needed him. He was finally there. We talked about Nixie, but about us as well. He was saddened by the fact no one listened to him, not even me, so many times in the past. Queue the together-trainings I skipped. Ugh....... Idiot eve!!! I won't even write my name with a capital letter, i don't deserve it.   He was upset, I think, also because he was so mad at us. He is a sweet man, and he hates anger. But he felt it more than once, and now wanted to learn to overcome it and exude happiness. It was his purpose, he told me. To show others an example of happiness. It means to be stronger. Stronger than all. Can he do it? I'm sure he can. I trust him. I really do. With all my heart.   We talked about happiness a lot. I remember telling him not to be like Drenizek, who is not really happy, he just wants to make others feel so, but can't lift himself up. For Drenizek, it's a done thing too. Bart acknowledged that his story ended in quite a sad and anticlimactic way. Still, I thought, he climbed atop a dragon and jammed a talisman into its eye and helped drive it away. He is stronger than ever. He clearly has drive. Can it be enough? Probably not. Uh, I don't know. I'm tired of being so sad, but... I have many reasons, I guess, for people around me.   At least... At least he always thinks of us. i, on thy eother hand. Damnit, again i write with I instead of i. habit. Anyway, Bart and I talked about a lot of our issues. Like the jealousy spree I had. Or the fact Nixie and I kissed. He's mad at Nixie for not really apologising. I don't know, I think Nixie didn't see any problem in it and therefore couldn't feel more sorry than she did. I get her, Bart doesn't, though. He's harsh on her.   I felt better. I toyed with him a little as we talked, hehe. I once again felt more at home there, with him. I love him. I would once again attack him with kisses and would not let go.   Today we approach the port of Roib. I feel both happy and sad, for different reasons. I'm happy I finally was able to overcome my stupidity and get Bart back. I hope he's better too as a result. But I'm very sad because of Nixie... Well, I don't deserve her friendship anyway. So I'll resort to being the best soldier a captain could wish for. Maybe, maybe it's not a done thing. Just maybe... I hope, i hope very much.....   May the Almighty protect us and give us the faith and hope to overcome our difficulties.   P.S.: We're in Roib. We talked to a strange old merchant called Ewelon Roseld. Apparently he's the mastermind behind all of Roib and Vedia, Tallion told us. He wants us to do so some sort of ... well, he doesn't "want" anything, allegedly, he just wants to use us by convincing us what he wants us to do is the only way we can help the Vedians. He wants us to assasinate some high-ranking officials. Anyway, stupid Tallion. He interrupted Nixie and when Nixie slapped him for his insolence he told her "watch your hand".   I rose, fists clenched, and asked him if he's threatening my captain. I don't care what he wants, or how I behaved before. One more threat, I'll cut his hand off or blast him away. I don't care if he's Tallion or Vadrek or anyone.  

„We like to think demons don’t exist, so we could feel in control. But we also love to think every sin we make is never our fault” Arion of Malzines, in his Letters   Dear journal, I’m a little bit conflicted about writing in you right now. Should I write sad things? Happy things? I don’t know how I feel, so I don’t know what to write. I feel a duty to be positive, but I’m not sure that’s how I actually am, and I should be honest, too. Right?   That’s a lot of thinking for Rash-conclusions-Eve, I know. But the last weeks really had me thinking about a lot of things. The way we are, the reason why we are like that... I, for one, am crazy. Not Nutcase-Eve crazy, crazy-crazy. I can’t explain properly to you, because you can’t agree read yourself, dear journal. But anyone who would read this would with me. Just look at the chapters I wrote in you. Going back, it’s insane. I was happy here, sad here, angry, then sad, then happy, then... I lost track. Now I’m tired too, a bit. I feel I’m not the only one feeling tired. It’s like a lifetime’s worth of feelings consumed in a couple of months. It’s not easy. It really isn’t. But it’s mostly wasted energy. In the end, they all zero each other out, and only this feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty is left.   It reminded me of an old tale of king Hagen the Swift who ruled over Sorilia hundreds of years ago. He was one of those old kings who went down in the muck with the rest of them, to war and in peace. He liked to come during harvest time and help plough a field. One day, there was a particularly bad harvest, and barely anything was left to take. The peasants were understandably frustrated. But when the king came, they still went to the harvest with him. News of the king’s arrival spread to the other villages, and as the king worked with the peasants, people from nearby came looking for the king, to bow to him and ask him for his blessings. And since the harvest was poor, it was actually done a bit quicker than usual, and the king decried that the remaining days will be up for games and festivals of harvest. Thousands were said to have come to meet the king, and many brought their commerce with them. Even people from neighbouring lands. And the king had all the remains of the bad crops turned to baskets and the like, and he threw in a big ball for his nobles as well, and the villagers actually managed to have very good earnings as a result of all of that.   Of course, such magical tales belong in the past. But they shouldn’t. Even a bad situation can be turned around. The harvest was still poor. That could not be avoided. So… I know I’m not wise in giving in to this all. Including giving up on myself, a little bit. I feel like the villain in the story here, you know?   But I’ll come back to this. Once again, my perfectly ruinous mental rantings overcame my attempt to write an honest account of my daily life on the World’s most adventurous ship.   So, we were stuck in the Haunted Marshes with the cross-dimensional fanboys of Talion. The insolent fools even threatened to execute Orman (whom they’ve somehow caught) if we wouldn’t heed to their call. So, to recap a little bit, we had come to this Red Knight in order to put our affairs in order with the authorities, so we could repair the ship. The Red Knight was a very mysterious-looking person, with a weird white-ish armour made from several interlocking pieces, over a weird red costume of some sort. And it had a big helmet, covering its entire head, quite menacing. But the Red Knight was nice enough (had a weird voice though). As I said, it turned out to be a she. So what happened was that before we left the Red Knight told us to write in our names and as I said Talion messed up again just because he’s afraid of everything but still somehow his precautions are worse than his mistakes. Well, they were after Talion apparently because he knew the queen of some kingdom from another Dimension. They told me about it a long time ago, but never expected it to be relevant now. Now, of all moments! The very day we saw the world shake with Xantinya’s power! Well… There you go.   They had us surrounded, but the Red Knight wanted to fight us alone. We managed to defeat her, only because of Talion’s incredibly strong spells, but I must say, she was formidable. She had a weird sword that could heat up more than anything I’ve ever seen in my life. I know not what weird magic it uses (they told me that they don’t have so much magic in other dimensions, but just technology, which is even more mind-boggling actually). But it was so, so strong. Poor Xebec lost his arm to that superheated sword.   Anyway, the situation wasn’t better, because the minions were armed with some very weird short sticks of metal that could launch small projectiles with very great speed. And they could easily kill us with them. They are called guns and the projectiles are bullets. And you shoot with it, like shooting an arrow, but much, much stronger.   No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get them to be reasonable with us. They were hard-boiled spies, and we had nothing on them, other than the threat of a magical wipeout. As in “we will kill ourselves and all of you”. Yeah, talk about hot-headed people. You really managed to find like-minded people, Eve. Nixie even threatened to kill Talion so that they’d get no info from him, God bless her amazing soul. She’s my role model, did I tell you that?   Anywhoo, the girls (Nixie and Verfy) went to talk to the Red Knight as she had woken up from the nice sleep we had put her in. We were stuck with the very grumpy spies and made no headway with them, but then the girls returned and told us we might have a chance. The Red Knight is actually named Kelly and she’s kind of a tool of this spy organisation called the Interdimensional Defense Service (IDS). IDS also probably stands for “idiots”, so I’ll just call them the Idiots.   So, Kelly and the Idiots were not really in love. They kept her kind of like a political prisoner of sorts, and she had to work for them. She knew how to build them strong weapons and they kept her hidden from her enemies and alive. And Kelly would like to get rid of them, so the girls wanted to exploit that and make her an ally. I wasn’t so sure about that. I don’t trust mercenaries, and she sounded exactly like the mercenary type (I mean, for God’s sake, she even had a mercenary army apparently, and worked for Xantinya in another dimension../.!?) But I trusted the girls. We convened that we couldn’t realistically fight them, and that running away right away was impossible because we had no boat. That thing can’t hold water anymore. So we could just let Talion leave to other dimensions as a prisoner and hope the Idiots would be kind enough to return him alive and un-besmirched, or… apparently, as Kelly suggested, make a deal with her, tell her as much info as possible, give her the world map we had (she figured we had one), explain some things like how magic works and in return she would make sure Talion would stay here in the Marshes and then we would all be released after 6 days with our boat repaired.   Basically it was a question of either letting go of Talion or handing our world on a silver platter to the Idiots. Funny how God knows exactly what questions to ask people. I was always the hot-headed type, so I never think about very wide consequences. But I knew all to well that the Idiots were actually a big, big threat to our world. They clearly had a lot of power, far more than us. How many of us can use magic like Talion does? How many of them, however, can come with their guns and murder us all? So, I figured it was gonna cost us, but… Talion is part of the life of this world. We promised to defend Life, even in its most dumb, oblivious, oafish forms. So, in reality, we had no choice.   Only that there was a third way. We could get Kelly on our side, like really on our side. I didn’t like it, but never openly said it, because I knew the girls and Heron would never accept (not truly) to give the Idiots all the info. I knew they would save Talion but regret it afterwards. They were all searching for a third way, and this was it. We did it. The girls convinced Kelly to come with us, so basically she would get all the info herself, then destroy it and leave nothing for the Idiots and run away with us. My problem with that is that I don’t trust Kelly. I trusted her to destroy the info and come with us, maybe, but I won’t trust her to walk around this world of ours just like that. She needs magic for her own purposes. She wants to rebuild her face. You see, dear journal, she had her face almost cut in half by a powerful interdimensional called Antonia. It left a huge scar from the upper-right side of her forehead all the way down to the lower-left side of her jaw, taking out her nose and part of her left cheek. Quite disfiguring.   Still, for a 40-something year old (as I later found out her age is) she looks quite young and beautiful, you know, counting out the face. Plus she has the nicest-looking red hair I’ve ever seen. I just realized I might just be jealous a bit. Goddamnit, Eve, your Nutness just keeps on growing.   Getting past all this bollocks, and back to our misadventures, the girls managed to get Kelly to flee with us, so we stayed there and got interrogated by her. It was actually quite fun. She really was curious about Ionolia, but it doesn’t amaze me. Talion got interrogated by the other Idiots, too, but they didn’t take any fingers or something. I hope he didn’t spout any more stupid info. I heard he told them that he gave that queen religious counselling. Talion and counselling. Smells funny, doesn’t it?   The day our boat was ready, we made a run for it. Nixie went out to get Orman, using her earth magic. The rest of us had to get our stuff back from the Idiots, so we had to fight our way through the corridor. Luckily Kelly had one of those nice guns (she left the sword and the rest behind, said they probably can control her via them, God!) and helped us get through. At one moment we were surrounded and they shot all these horrid bullets, bigger than the ones before, and I thought that was it, but Talion and Bart saved the day with a deflective shield and well-timed bending of time. The Idiots’ faces were just precious.   We had to make a getaway through this rain of bullets. I got hold of one of their big guns myself and imitated what they did, which is press on a small trigger after aiming the thing at them. I almost fell because of its recoil, like when ballista fires and it almost gets pushed back. I couldn’t do much so I just threw that away. Horrid things.   We made it out and into the ship, but not unscathed, as Nixie, Orman, Kelly all got shot. Luckily, Vas saved the day and took these tiny metal monsters out of them. We were out of there and had front seats for a lightning spectacle from our captain, that made sure our pursuers would not use even bigger guns (cannons, only much stronger) on us.   Obviously, everyone was shaken. The crew had no idea what we were doing so we had to tell them, naturally they were even more distraught. Seeing Xebec with only one hand also didn’t help. Especially since the person who took his hand was on the ship with us. As for Kelly, the crew were either intimidated by her or weary of her as an “enemy-friend” of sorts so they didn’t approach her, but the party was all over her with questions, including my Bart. Jealous-Eve strikes again. I like being the centre of attention, what can I say.   We planned our route, as we had to reach the island of Prepo, which is a commercial hub of sorts, created by four countries, Worania, Roib, Vaneolin and Sten. A unique structure, actually, if I ever cared …. Obviously I care, damnit, I can’t hide my fascination with this kind of stuff!! But I have no time to write about Prepo’s incredible political and economic framework, like I’m some “crusty” wizard from Ionolia, to quote our captain.   Because everyone was so confused and distraught, we didn’t even notice the strange feeling all around the boat. I was actually checking out the new mast out of pure curiosity when I thought my mind played tricks on me. The vines of the wood seemed to create small symbols here and there. Looking more closely, it became apparent it was the three-pointed lance…. And it wasn’t just me. When I showed others, they all saw it. We tried to scrape it off, but somehow they appeared still, somewhere else, or in the same place even.   I heard my name whispered on deck, by a slimy, raspy voice. And for a second I lost my voice. I literally tried to say something and nothing would come out of my mouth. I was never more scared of anything before. It was like in one of those moments where you wake up suddenly after a very heavy sleep, and you can’t move your body, and your face is buried in the pillow and you suddenly feel like suffocating, but you can’t move at all and you feel like you’re going to die. That’s what I felt.   That evening, signs continued to show up. At some point, once again the terrible thing appeared on our mast, all rotting and burning. Even Kelly, who doesn’t believe in demons, saw it. I wonder why she doesn’t believe in demons. Maybe their manifestations are less evident there. But, in all truth, their manifestations were a lot less evident here too, before…. Before all this. I’ve never heard of such happenings. Or maybe in just about the worst cases out there. An entire boat…   And then we heard the sound of a gun shooting. Marc suddenly fell, blood on his chest. Behind him, a scared Menn’e, holding Kelly’s gun. She immediately took it out of his hand and threw it away ( should’ve done so a long time before…) Poor Menn’e saw Marc as the filthy creature and tried to kill it. But how did he get the gun? Kelly couldn’t tell. It was all chaos.   Horrible. Just horrible. I liked Talion’s best friend more. He was a jolly fellow compared to this wretched being. Obviously, we had to do something. Bart proposed a together training with the whole boat (well, except Marc, who was unconscious, and Vas, who had to extract the bullet from between his ribs…) Luckily, he wasn’t fatally wounded, and Vas really became a very good doctor. Before this he was actually just a herbalist, so it’s quite amazing. The journey really changed and strengthened us all.   As Bart indicated, we all looked at the persons on the ship with whom we “had a problem”. Needless to say it was a circus of looks, all over, especially in a triangle-area of Isbel, Dillen and Xebec. Ugh. I looked at Bart and at Heron, and at Dillen obviously. I would’ve looked at Talion, too, but then I realised I really didn’t have a problem with him. My problems with Talion died a long time ago, together with many other things.   Sometimes I wonder if I can recognise myself in the mirror, at all.   Anywhoo, we then all had to shake our hands with the people we looked at, and sort things out, so that the demon couldn’t use us. But I think the problem is that the demon uses everything, not just animosity between ourselves. We’ll have our own internal problems to solve, and they don’t come cheap.   The next day I talked to the three of them. I started with Dillen, since it was the easiest. I told him I can’t stand him, but that he’s my comrade and I’ll fight for him at any time. He smiled and said that he harbours no feelings for me, but that he understands we’re opposites and respects that. I swear, the guy is good. Almost convinced me he doesn’t deeply, religiously despise me. Hahah.   Heron was next. I was actually quite upset. I knew not what to say to him, but just before we talked I calmed down. In the end, he is my friend. That’s what matters. I told him I couldn’t understand his position and asked him to explain more, but then realised it was a mistake. In the end, the problem was that we had different views on the matter. Maybe I exaggerated last time out, but in a nutshell he focused on their faults, while I focused on ours. I still don’t agree, and I think he should review this kind of attitude, if he is to fight Evil alongside all men and women who want to fight for Good, no matter their provenance or complexity of mind, if you like, but I love and respect him as a friend and our differences should never tear us apart.   My heart was therefore easier when I faced Bart. Obviously, that meant nothing, my heart was still pounding heavily. I feel so secure around people, I always did. I was the same with Talion, even in the “good” days. But with Bart it’s different. I actually care if he sees me as a good person. And I mostly think of him as the good person and I the bad. So…   I apologised. I didn’t have something against him. Well, maybe. Well, a lot, dear journal, I hate you. I feel you’re judging me like “Come on, Eve, spit it out”. I told him something about that. I don’t know, I’m confused. I think he was harsh and distant for no good reason, he apologised to me, he admitted he was indeed distant on purpose, he had his hardships. But I care about them! I need to know about them to be able to do something, though. I felt a little… Well… Out of place. Bart sounded like he can have me as an accessory, but not a whole clothing. You know? For me, Bart is my clothes. For him, I’m a nice accessory he can wear sometimes. He doesn’t need me all the time like I, the obsessed, rage-filled, love-filled idiot Nutcase-Eve, do. At least he comes back to me now… I didn’t care about the above. I only cared he was back.   I hugged him so hard. Please, Bart, never let go again. It’s not humane, if nothing else. I really am a deranged person, deranged people should not be left to their own devices! Have some decency!   I also apologised for the Nixie thing. I still don’t know what happened there, or rather how it happened. Bart doesn’t seem to fully grasp the whole thing. I told him I betrayed him, I think he got that… I feel so dirty, even now. It will be a very hard feeling to shake off. Like, ever. I’d be less harsh on myself if I hadn’t known what I felt, the mixture of very stupid and bad feelings. And that I never kiss at random.   In any case, I didn’t tell him about my urge to leave the boat. I’ll carry that to the ground, probably. As split-second as it was, it’s still my biggest sin. But Eve has enough pride and sense of conservation not to show her whole rotten self at once. Or, rather, I’m weak. I’m not like Bart. There you go.   I hate this. Can we go back to the story?   I feel like I’m not in control of these words anymore. I feel compelled to write everything. That’s my way of confessing, I guess. This whole journal is basically a Damsel’s confession. Hm. Actually works for a title, if I ever publish this thing, which I obviously won’t, calm down!   In any case, Bart reminded me of our two-month anniversary the day after. Bart doesn’t know how much I hate anniversaries, because I had to count every day of the wretched year when Talion was apart from me, before he came back. Well, I hated anniversaries. Now I actually love them.   Everyone seems to have talked with everyone, and I feel the atmosphere on the ship is a little less weird. Just Kelly is sulking somewhere at the edge of the deck, never really a part of the ship, but I get that. I still think she has her own plans and devices, and is here only for a temporary ride. What is this mercenary thinking? She seems to have an extraordinary mind. She built a kind of sprinkle for our bath, so we can shower like underneath a small waterfall. Ingenious as she is, it’s only cold rationality. She still doesn’t understand what we’re doing and jokingly asked if we’re a cult. Probably in your dimension we would be. But this is the fun and smart dimension, then!   Going back to serious things, we passed the island called Dragonclaw during a very harsh storm. Our repaired ship held on well, thankfully. Good vessel, our Sapphire Sword. Bless her (‘cause she’s cursed…). Bart actually wrote me a poem for our anniversary (he told me to each write a short poem of 8 verses). Of course, being the incapable poet that I am, I wanted to be extra and wrote 12, well 13 if you include the word “dummy” heheheh. I’ll include both, for reference, but I keep Bart’s in my special jewelry box, together with Nixie's special fragment.   It was finally a great day for me, the first in many where I started to feel at ease. I still miss the unbridled happiness I had that night in the Sapphire Fountain, but I know I’ll get back. I still felt our love as strong. Maybe it’s stronger. It endured through stuff now. Like all good things should.   Talion used his vision the next day, or that day, things are so blurry to me now, to scout the seas west of Sten. We had seen a weird green stretch of water and he followed it to source. He didn’t want to come close, but saw a big black island-looking thing in the distance, with a green tentacle sticking out of it. And lots of green water, boiling and putrid, and with dead fish in it. And then he saw the westernmost Stenian island all burning, and a huge battlefield with Stenian and Fatorarkian dead, even dragons.   But far worse was what followed. The wretched demon attacked again. This time it latched onto Menn’e and made him spew and fall down and start convulsing. It was horrible, we tried to hold on to him, but he had superhuman strength. The demon was simply destroying him. Bart tried to help, too, but he suddenly fell in horror and fainted. Poor Bart, what he must’ve felt… He’s stronger than his body shows, so I’m sure it was terrible. God, I hate this demon so much. Now it’s even more personal, you whore.   The Elves came, alerted by Nixie, and resorted to exorcise the poor boy. The Fastodans were opposed. I felt they were very mad. I didn’t listen to their conversations with Nixie and Verfy (Didn’t want to interfere) but I believe that their religion stands in opposition with any interventions by people of other religions, at such a level. Yea, Fastodans are nice and all, until you are reminded that they serve bloodthirsty gods that make you fight the other gods or something. The Elves, Nixie and Verfy went to the Elvish ship to save him. They did… But at the cost of the eldest Elvish Elder. I was shook. The demon killed him. Menn’e actually died himself, almost, his heart had stopped, but they managed to bring him back, and make him breathe, and got the demon out. But can you believe this, dear journal? How strong is this demon!?!? The Elves described him as a Soul Eater, and Talion told us that means a Mivureh. A high-ranking Demon, but lower in rank than Marcel and even Axiol. LOWER THAN AXIOL!? Were these demons just joking around with us until now!? I’m worried. We badly underestimated them. And I thought at least I hadn’t….   Then again, the Soul Eaters are dangerous exactly because they… well, eat souls. That is, corrupt our magical essence and twist us, so we die in pain and fear and wrath and get straight to them, for their eternal pleasure and feeding. The kind of things your nanny would tell you so that you would stop throwing meatballs at other kids, or swearing.   I still want to throw meatballs at people, and I’m more curt and foul-mouthed than my appearance suggests, but… I’ll try to behave around this wretch. In any case, we were all deeply saddened and shook. We hoped Menn’e would recover soon, but the demon promised him he would return the next day…   As we deviated our course because of yet another storm, and because we actually saw the entirety of East Sten in flames, a giant torch with a huge Azure dragon in its midst………………………. we reached the northernmost Stenian island ourselves. It was… burning. Not all of it, but big swathes, and there was no way to stop that fire. It felt and look all-absorbing, all-destroying, it was not fire, but Destructive Flame. Kelly actually heard about the destructive powers of True Plasma as she calls it, but didn’t care to explain a lot. She simply shrugged it off as “skreling stuff”. Skrelings are these weird red, bald creatures, a race in her dimension.   That night we actually found a Stenian drifter. Poor man was burned heavily, sick and weak. He knew some common, and told us the Fatorarkians had invaded Sten with tens of dragons, but their biggest, a monster the size of an island (the one Talion told us about back in Ionolia – woken up by him and his friends) was slain by an even more horrid monster: a force of sickness of some sort, with green tentacles, that poisoned the water………..   I remembered something. There were writings of it. The prophets reminded us. And Talion remembered too. The old creatures of Cleansing. One was the Corruption of the Soul, and the other was the Corruption of the Body. Ancient beings, essence bearers, sent by the Almighty to absorb the innumerable sins and sufferings of humanity and cleanse them. Humanity, or rather, the conscious beings, had become irredeemably sinful, and risked destroying the world for ever, for all generation. The Cleansing saved the purer ones. It is said a whole race died out as a result of this Cleansing, though it has no name or confirmation. On eof the Corruptions was killed, the other wasn’t. This… This was the other. The Corruption of the Body.   The Stenian died in the night, suffering from what looked like Disease itself. He had green blood. I’ve never seen something more terrible. So this is how it looks. The firm Hand of the Almighty. I knew Him as love and guidance. But I know I must think of him as the Judge, too. For He is. It’s scary, I must admit. People never seem to be able to put the two types together. As if God can be either a Judge or Love. But they should. He who loves also protects. And since God is truth, only He can judge. And judgement is necessary, in a world of Good and Evil.   Thinking about that didn’t make it easier, though. Especially since poor Menn’e got infected by the essence of Disease itself. Did he deserve it? I don’t think so. I don’t know why he got infected. I just have faith something good will come out of all this. For him, for us. For someone. Anyone.   Once again, the Elves had to take care of him. They look so done with everything. They really didn’t expect this journey, now, didn’t they? I wonder what Kelly thinks of all this. Scratch that, what I really wonder is what Xixi thinks. Unfortunately, he keeps skipping her woranian lessons, and I’m left only with Drenizek, who’s quickly picking up on writing. I think he'll soon be able to read and write cursively. Reading is still hard, but he can write at decent speeds so far.   Our path brought us to Prepo, finally. What a place it would’ve been. Now it was just a sad place. Everyone was leaving. There were refugees from all over the place. The surrounding city-states had been burned down. The dragons were coming. Everyone could feel it.   That day, the Elves went to bury their Elder and speak to their kin in the northern part of the island. We went to Rodari Port in the east to sell some valuables and get money. We used it to finally pay the crew (Dillen gave them some money in the Marshes before that). They were so happy. It was literally their only happiness. They could finally start having clothes (not the rags they were left with after months of journeys and fights and storms), some new shiny things, some food, perhaps, or alcohol, I don’t know. Many bought clothes (including a still stricken Vadrek, who is walked around on a ledger by Orman and Brunek). I was actually curious to see what they would do with the money. Xebec went to buy some things from the nautical district I think, but I also saw him yell at a blacksmith to make him something really quick. Curious to see what. Dillen multiplied his money, why am I amazed.   I did see Drenizek sneakily getting past us and going somewhere, then I saw him frantically look for something. I followed suit, sneakily myself. My sneakiness was better, so I was able to saw him. He was getting all kinds of powders and colours from potioners, artisans and tanners. He also got a couple of brushes and a lot of fabric.   I felt a little lighter that evening.   The next morning, which is this one, I woke up early. I wanted to catch a glimpse of the sunrise. But what I also wanted was to see what the Stenians were up to. There were a lot of Stenian ships in the harbour where we had anchored our Sapphire Sword. It was quite the sight. These long ships with long flags, filled to the brim with armed people. Not only men. Women and children too. All of them painted white, with a black circle made of straight lines, rotating clockwise, on their faces. The same symbol was painted on their sails. All of them silent as the grave. None even faltering.   They were going back home. Back to their burnind, destroyed home. Many were from some “Exterior legion”. But there were also common folk, women, children. They were all armed the same. No remorse, no second thoughts. They would not die running. They would live dying. They sailed out of the harbour, ship by ship, with strong wind in their sails. As they left, they all shouted, with one voice: “O”.   Something between the O of the Stenians and Drenizek almost dropping half his bottles filled with colours and sheets of fabric because they were so many made me think a little better of this “ending” world of ours. Come, demons. Try your best.   May the Almighty protect and forgive us.         P.S.: I think that the ugly flaming-rotting demon won’t leave the boat until this is all over. It can’t. We can’t make him leave. It’s not that I have no faith, or hope… But the entire ship is tied to this Doom or great Change or how you want to call it. This entire ship is a bundle of continuously dissenting feelings. The demon both represents and feeds off of it. I feel that our fate is tied to the fate of our mission. That’s why I’m so anxious. I think we will all slowly come to this realisation. Our entire lives are completely intertwined with this. We must fight this demon, day in, day out, like we fight this Change or Doom. And by God we’ll fight it.

"Were they true, the imaginations of civilization? Or is man just a high beast?" Termi Hasap, in his Considerations on the Fall of Gava   Dea... Filthy journal I hate.   Ah, I can't hate you. I can't love you either, though. You record all my successes and failures, as well as those of people around me. I stayed true to you, and wrote whatever happened, come what may. I mostly write about myself, 'cause eh, arrogance and egocentrism.   I really want not to hate you. It feels wrong. But I have lashes of anger now, and very few things to direct it on right now. I'm supposed to stay upright and feel nothing but good feelings. To overcome anger and fight it with love, like Sea taught us. But, hehe, you thought Nutcase-Eve learns? You thought Paper-girl-Eve assimilates? You thought poppy-Eve grows? You are so, so wrong.   I look back and read a lot of chapters I wrote here in you. It's mind boggling. I had moments of great, true happiness. I had moments of great sadness, or anger. I never had hopelessness, not really. I don't feel like wanting to begin... But there's a lot of dark thoughts in my mind as of late.   I'll try to be more organised. God, Eve, you can't hold a single promise.... I promised I'll try to write something coherent here.   So we went to sleep after the funeral, and Nixie woke up in the middle of the night to tell us about a dream she's had. A very ominous-sounding one, with demons and her family and signs. I didn't like it. I fear for Nixie's safety. She's our captain and probably is more of a target than we are, as a result. A lot of pressure on her, too. It's hard being the leader, and I respect her very much for never openly trying to dodge her role. She might not be the strongest leader on most occasions, but when it really matters, she's there, tough as a rock. You'll see what I mean.   We went back to sleep hoping things will be better in the morning. Alas, they were not. There was a strange mood on the ship, as if a curtain had fallen, and all the grey, dusty backstage could be seen. The crew were more than distraught. I could feel something was terribly wrong, and when Nixie told us that Dillen wanted a discussion with the whole crew on deck, I immediately realised things were indeed very bad.   I think we all realised that the decision we had made to not yet tell the crew of the underlying reasons we were doing this journey had just massively backfired on us. And it hit me, it hit me that we had been awfully hypcritical. Leading a fight against Evil, but on a boat of people that we couldn't trust with this truth. Basically, fighting Evil with people who were not free or conscious about it. Hah, there you go. Goody-too-shoes Eve agreed not to tell them. It's funny how reading some books makes you think you have a morality. I must confess, even if I exact revenge, am petty and behave like a mad dog every now and then, I liked to think I had some kind of underlying moral fiber. Yea... Turns out that came out to bite me.   The Almighty, in His wisdom, chose to teach me a lesson in humility. I'm not good. I'm just as bad or worse than the average small tyrant who recruits troops for his petty wars. It really doesn't matter if the war itself is actually not petty, if I treat it as such by bringing to it an "army" of clueless people.   Well, going back to the boat, indeed, the crew now knew that we had some other purpose. To fight the End of the World, as Dillen put it. Dillen started speaking for the whole crew. He basically told us how they all dreamt the same thing, a dream which unveiled our purpose of fighting the Doom, and how they were lead into that without even knowing. Obviously, the dream was a demon's work. But that had made them all the angrier. A demon showed them the truth that we, the goody-light-fighters, couldn't. A demon protected their interests more than we did...   Dillen was furious, as were all of them. I saw it on their faces. Dillen was almost not himself anymore. He obviously reveled in this role of righteous rebel, but behind the opportunism I sensed real outrage. And out of all, it was Drenizek who hurt me the most. I like to think of Drenizek as one of my closest friends. How we got to this was both sudden and beautiful. And now, in his eyes, I saw the question: "why". Why we had been silent, and so disdainfully denied him and the rest of the crew knowledge of what was actually going on. It's not like the end of the world had nothing to do with them....! I was gutted. I felt my whole will and soul collapse.   Dillen had a whole speech. On how we had betrayed them, on how the contract (orally concluded, as it were) between us was breached. They wanted a new contract. One where they would leave us in the first port and continue on with the boat as theirs, and with guarantees of properties in Alomir. They even gave us a draft! I was shocked, beyond any imagination. I had lived with them for around two months now, and I saw them often. I am starting to know them. They wouldn't have agreed to such a cold-headed approach. It was something else. They were so done with us they had resorted to cold contracts. They wanted to get rid of us as quickly as possible. I looked at them. They .... They were hurt. And scared. But most importantly, outraged. Maybe they felt a connection to us, which was now gone. Maybe they thought we had treated them as partners, and we failed. Actually, they said that to us, a little later. That we treated them as footsoldiers, slaves, when we had been equals all along (two parties to a contract - that's why they brought the contract up!). They felt that we were equals, but now they realised we had treated them as our soldiers. And they were right....   Nixie pulled us to a room to talk about their proposal. In those blasted hours, I got to live some weird feelings. First, I couldn't mutter any words. But they wanted me to speak up. So I said I can't ask anything of them. They wanted us gone. I wanted us gone. I wanted myself gone from my own self. That's how it feels! Regret. Not regret of an action. No. I had that already. Regret of one's own being. That's not good. I know that. I know as much. You can't regret yourself. But I felt that, and I realised how weak and frail I really am. And how evil. I had allowed this to happen. Well, all of us. I couldn't disagree with their decision because I wanted only suffering for me, and could see no reason for them to keep us around.   We were traitors. Traitors to our cause, which could only enlist willing souls, fighting of their own volition. The problem was twofold: first we treated them like soldiers, instead of equals and, dare I say, friends. Second, even if they were only soldiers, we were not fighting a normal war. We are fighting the war against Evil itself, coming into its full manifestation on Earth, bent on bringing down Good for all time. Such a war requires a choice. We HAD TO tell them what they were fighting. Or else, we would send people who did not know why to a War which required free and engaged souls. We fought on the side of Good with people who were basically sent to the front lines to do our bidding, knowing not why or to what end! Just like Evil does it! Like these Fatorarkians, maybe, or like the undead in the necromancer armies.... I have never felt more disgust towards someone than I felt towards myself. I could say the rest were guilty, too, but... the rest were the rest. They have their own thoughts and conflicts. They might have excuses. I know for a fact I have none, so I won't spare myself.   There I was, furious at me, at us, and adamant that we deserved this. And there was Heron, who suddenly was very enraged towards the crew itself...! Apparently they were babies, and in the wrong. They had overreacted. Overreacted!? What? How!? We had betrayed everything we were supposed to stand for! We had thrown in these people into such a huge war, the biggest war of them all, without them knowing anything! How could they fight it!? It doesn't matter why! It really doesn't....! And what, they had to be nicer to us? For what reason? Traitors get no mercy. I didn't understand Heron. I saw him go against everything I thought is right. I mean, I am stupid, and more Evil than I liked to think I was, but... I can still judge situations based on what should have happened. Should have, according to some semblance of Good in this world. And Heron cared not for that. He cared that we were in charge, and they had to do our tasks, without questioning it and rebelling against our decisions.   Nixie agreed with him, sort of. She didn't like the crew's reaction, I understand she was personally offended, I think, but... I don't know, I lost a lot of faith in our ability to actually lead ANYONE to a good purpose, seeing all this. I clearly lost all faith in Heron doing that. He talked like a Woranian noble, commanding his men and angry at their disobedience. These people think we can put ourselves above the crew, because we know more or because we are stronger or have better blood or something. As if Verfy is a noble, or Nixie, for that matter. Heron is kind of more infatuated than I thought possible. I misjudged him.... And Nixie had her weakness, her anger, which I didn't understand then, but did later. Nixie is wiser than me, in a way. Her immediate reaction was to defend herself and attack the crew by saying they were exaggerating. Then she apologised, from the bottom of her heart, to them. This way I think her mind remained more intact than mine.   But Heron was adamant in his attitude. Fine. He even said something which completely ruined my good opinion on him. He said that wars are not won by idealism, like the Ionolians think. Excuse me!? EXCUSE ME? That's how you fight Evil? By lies, and deceit, and sending soldiers to their death, on the field? That's the instruments of war!? I am idealistic for admitting we made a horrible mistake, for realising we are failures!? Maybe we're irredeemable. With mentality like this... I didn't want to take part in this.   I genuinely felt, in that moment, that I wanted to be anywhere but there. That I wanted to somehow leave them, like the crew. But go alone, because I didn't deserve the crew. I wanted out. It's a crushingly sad thing to admit.   Bart then opened his voice, and voiced the opinion I knew deep down he would have. He said it is our fault, that we had to apologise and that we could at most try to convince the crew to stay with us in this fight, but that we had to give them a choice. Verfy advocated very strongly for a "Second chance" we would ask them, also agreeing they had every right to leave us. Tallion also had the same opinion, I was rather surprised, actually, he felt it right. For the first time in a big while, he read the feelings of another person in a correct manner. He really is growing.   Well, I am Eve. I do not give in. I stayed adamant that there was no forgiveness for us. But I conceded to their plans so that they would leave me alone. At that moment, I just wanted to disappear. I still felt that I loved Bart, and that love reminded me of the good things in me. I couldn't just torpedo myself out of there. I loved all of them and could never leave them. Now that I write this, I feel a little better. Too little, too late, I guess.   I still felt out of place in their midst. I also betrayed them, with those thoughts, you know.   When we came back. Nixie spoke to the crew. She was really there. She presented it to them as is, the world as it stands, and its impending war. She apologised and she was all-round awesome. The crew were not phased, not a bit, but that's because what she said in the end didn't matter as much as the betrayal they felt. Oh, another thing. Nixie thought too much feelings were involved in all of this. Well, it's feelings that undid in in the end, and I think Nixie realized it too. Ironies of life.   Well, her speech did make a few changes, I think. Drenizek raised his head, I remarked. He loves her. I can see it in his eyes. He wanted to hear this. He still hoped we were not as wretched as we looked at first. And I think Nixie helped him realise that.   At the time, however, I did not feel like there was reason for hope. I just wanted this to end faster. Please, spare us this humility. Or actually, we should feel as much humility as possible. I wanted the torture now. I heard Vadrek and Lafk'u and the others all giving their opinion. Lafk'u especially made a harsh point: they thought of us as comrades in arms, and we betrayed that idea. They placed their trust in us, and we didn't trust them with the necessary truth. They respected us, and we gave no respect for us.   I was almost crying. I saw how we spoke to them from the risen part of the ship, which is at the helm, and they were below, on deck. Like we were the nobles, and they the soldiers. Hah. Heron might like this hierarchy, but not me. I went below, to see them eye-to-eye. Like I did that, pfah. I couldn't look them in the eyes any more.   Then things got even more intense.... Dillen asked us if we had anything more to add. Sensing a trap, probably, Nixie stammered a bit. What did Dillen want? The snake said "Maybe that Laimon is a girl?" and I froze. Then I saw Laimon's face, she was unfazed. I immediately realised the crew knew already. Verfy realised it too and immediately added "and that she is Isbel Lofkia". The faces... The shock.... Isbel did not expect this. the Fastodans were angry. Swords were drawn. Dillen rushed to defend Isbel. I realised the two have probably planned something together. Now, it all unfolded. And it was potentially deadly. The Fastodans looked dead set on fighting ISbel and whoever wanted to defend her. An outraged Orman joined them. The rest grouped around Dillen.   Nixie and Verfy and the rest came down to get between them, but any attempt by them to solve the dispute was for naught. the Fastodans considered that now Dillen had betrayed them too for siding with the enemy. So much betrayal.. I didn't know what to do. I had to stop them from killing each other...   Thankfully, Nixie and Verfy intervened. Verfy talked to Isbel, and told her not to seek revenge, because Dillen had shouted that we had to agree to pay for our mistakes to the crew, all of us, clearly meaning that Poleus had to account for his mistakes towards Isbel. We were now all broken. All destroyed. Friendships collapsing... I was sick, physically.   But then, the only person not yet on one side or another stepped in. The mad drunkard proved once again why he's somehow the wisest of us. Drenizek declared he would take both the mantle of the Fastodans and that of Isbel and be their weapon of revenge against Tallion. For the Fastodans, it meant fighting the betrayal of the party, but also a potential ally of Isbel. for Isbel, it meant enacting justice in a trial by combat, against Tallion. So, he proposed a duel to the death between himself and Peolius. And when the Fastodans argued that they didn't want Drenizek to die for Isbel, he argued that he would die for them too, and that if they drew their swords, they should be ready to see their comrades dying. If that's what they wanted, then they should go all the way and let this duel happen. If not, they should all drop their swords.   And Verfy immediately dropped hers, and urged Isbel to forgive Tallion and not let revenge consume her. Nixie made one step further and gave Isbel her sword, saying she had the absolute power to decide Tallion's fate. It was a very intense moment. I felt that young girl's mind exploding. She could do either. She probably wanted to kill him, at some point, but part of her didn't. She was not the same girl that boarded this ship, of that I'm sure. What is certain is that she made the decision to spare Tallion, and make him promise he'd repay her by restoring her to her title, the one her father had reserved for her. And Verfy talked the Fastodans into giving up on their murderous plans.   Things were happening so quickly now. Everyone was confused. The underlying fight we had with the crew, on our betrayal, was brushed aside? But no, it couldn't have. Luckily, Drenizek pointed us back in the direction of the big elephant in the room. He told the crewmates to express their feelings on the matter, now, that they knew about Xantinya and the end of the world and Isbel and the such.   They all voiced their opinions. Most were reluctant at first, but conceded that they wanted this boat to stick together, as Drenizek put it, we are either together or apart. Only the Fastodans seemed unsure. I think they could leave us pretty soon. But not for the same reasons they all wanted to leave us now. There's something weird about them, I've always felt that. They have a separate calling.... One I fear.   Somehow, they all said we'd stick together, in the end. I felt that the problem hadn't been solved. But...... They were beginning to accept it. What happened, our betrayal... Maybe they will forgive us. I didn't hope for that. Maybe I do now, a little.   We decided to have a party. You know, to cut on the sadness and anger and tension... Well, the party did happen. It was my birthday party, huh. They came and said happy birthday to me. Verfy gave me Sea's mask, and I felt no better, and that made me feel even worse! How dare I not feel better! I really thank Verfy. She cares for me and respects me. She shouldn't. Bart gave me a nice wooden sculpture of a peach which I found very cute. I looked him in the eyes and kissed him very softly and very slowly. I am not sure he understood it, but... I wanted to express I loved him... Agh! Why! Stop it, Eve. I will not resort to begging for his love! Not again! Not after the Tallion affair. Never again!   I was so angry, so angry... I drank like a bar wench that night. I remember only a few things. But those things.......................   Well, dear journal, it's funny. It really is. Remember proper-Eve? Who hated parties? Yea, I just became a twisted mockery of the very projection I had of the people normally attending parties. I was an epitome of frustration. I remember crying in the middle of the mess hall. I was a mess-hall, really. I also remember really wanting Bart, then really hating him suddenly, then regretting it and loving him again, all that in like seconds.   Then Tallion came to me and told me "Why do you always seem to bump into this type of men, who only read a lot?" Well, fuck you and go to hell, stupid crusty wizard! I am Evil and uncouth and all of that, yea. Well, fuck you too, journal! How can he say that to me!? Am i THAT CURSED? BY MY OWN PERSON?   God, I thought then, in a drunken haze, maybe I have a type, and it's called "men", and they all care about their stupid self-interests and really don't feel anything, or feel only sometimes, and can switch off whenever they need, so they can finish their stuff, their "important" stuff! It's not just the drunken haze, really, maybe it just brought up some underlying fear, that maybe any man I'd try to find would be the same.   One thing is certain, though. I kissed Nixie that night. Maybe she now thinks it was a drunken thing drunks do (which I will officially declare it was), but.... I felt it like a betrayal of, well, everything. Bart, myself, Nixie, God who has to witness my stupidity, even Tallion to some extent. 'cause I distinctly remember feeling this sudden urge to leave Bart for Nixie. Good thing I blacked out before anything else happened.   How can I look Bart in the eye after this? Or Nixie? And Tallion must think I'm a whore, haha.   But, really........ I can't face Bart. I cheated on him, that's what it is. Drunk or not, I did that. I don't deserve him. Actually going back on my thoughts, it's me who's in the wrong here. I am such a high-maintenance headache, of course no one wants to stay with me for so long. And I mean look at what a mess I am.... And in the end I'm the one screwing up!!!!! God............. Please forgive me, because I can't do that right now.   I don't even want to write anymore. I'm filth. That's what I am. Really. I have arrived at the bottom of the pit. To top it off, the next morning a big storm hit us, then the news that we were surrounded by a fleet of Fatorarkians. The Elves carved a path in the water, and Nixie pushed some winds into our sails, but we had to wander close to the shore in order to avoid the Fatorarkians (who almost didn't notice us) and we hit some rocks. More storm and more lightning meant that by the time we had escaped to relative safety, we had a broken front mast and a gaping whole in the boat, which no one could fix in time. We spent many hours trying to sail a half-sunk ship, because the entire lower level was flooded. Poor Xixi stayed in the frontlines....   Then again, I don't know, I have no feel for it. It was like I was a ghost. I was a soldier, irony of ironies, doing what I was told. I felt like nothing more. It's crushingly sad, really.... Why am I like this!? Where am I!? I want home. I failed myself and everyone. Maybe home has one last warm bed for me. But I don't deserve it anyway. And, by the Almighty, I love Bart. I don't want to lose him.......... I'm so afraid....   Speaking of which... After a few days in the Road of Storms, we finally made it into inhabited lands, at the edge of the Haunted Marshes. It was a cloudy day, with some winds, but manageable, compared to the constant storms of the past 3 days. The sky darkened, unusually, I'd say. I felt uneasy. The air was... unsettling. I can't really say why, I just felt it. Then, the winds suddenly picked up, but in all directions, it was chaos. But this chaos... It felt orderly, in a way. Coordinated. Like an invisibile hand drawing circles in the sky, and the wind would follow....   Then............. I heard it. A female voice, clear as daylight, almost soft and seducing, if it were not for an incredible, crushing hatred and spite that vibrated through it, shouting: "I come, I come, and nothing will stop it! Fear! Fear, all of you!"   The world shook. Everything. The boat, the sea, the air itself, shook. A huge red lighting bolt traversed the sky, parallel to the Earth, comin form the North-East and disappearing into the South-West. Then another followed in its path, shaking the Earth again. And we could see other lightning bolts going more or less parallel with these ones, to the north and to the south, far in the sky..... Then more waves, and more waves of red lightning. I could hear the voice again "You are afraid. Good! Be afraid!" and more shakes and trembles.....   I could barely stand up after that. Even now, as I write it several hours later, my hand shakes. This was today, dear journal. The first of September 858 After the Council. We are presently sailing towards a port, or a trading post in the Marshes, really. And I feel.... scared.   I'm a traitor.   The ship after that was visited by Elves. They said it's cursed. Just as they said that, we saw something horrible. A seagull was standing on the mast, but then it suddenly became a horrid creature, with black, twisted wings, red plus-shaped wounds instead of eyes, a huge grin with big teeth, and pieces of burning, rotten flesh, like tongues, falling out of it. Then, we heard something. I think it sounded like war drums. And then, more darkness. And... I can't repeat all the horrors.   And something's up with Nixie. It must be that dream. Demons are relentless. They probably want to break her. I must help her. I know she can fight them. I can't. Look at me. I'm more of a demon myself, really...   Now, we have to ponder... Xantinya has mastery over the skies themselves. Nature itself was bent to her will, if only for a fraction. Was it like this everywhere? Makes you think.... What will happen? The older me would've stood tall and faced these facts with hope and determination. Now... I just feel tired. Incompetent wench, I am. I'm afraid, though, that things are much worse than we, or even Tallion, thought.   Please, God.... Don't give up on me just yet. I can still be good. Somehow. I hope. I have reasons to, right? I'm just a monster. Monsters can redeem themselves.... hopefully.   * * *   We arrived in the trade post. Turns out there's people here who speak our tongue. Very... tidy people, who invited us to visit their leader, the Red Knight, who requires all travelers to have dinner with him. Well, I wanted to to visit the restricted areas beyond the trade post, but we went to the Red Knight, and.... turns out we had bumped into....... people from another dimension..... who were searching for Pooleius! Poleus! Pulluius! I don't know any more!!!! He wrote his name differently, and then Xebec laughed at him for changing from Tallion to Pullius to... whatever he is know, and the Red Knight heard and ordered his men to catch him!   Apparently Talion is wanted in another dimension. Oh, the Knight is a she, and all these guys she commands have some weird weapons that as far as I can tell could really hurt you instantly.   Xebec lost an arm, Heaven's sake.....   We wait. We are surrounded. The girls are talking to the Knight. Maybe we can get out.   *   Bart, I do love you.   I will not beg.   Please

"Man can only follow gods and lies" - Leri-an of Idemo, shortly before the battle of Kamar with the Gavans   Dear journal, once again I find myself returning from a funeral. It was a particularly somber one, for it was carried out mostly by the Elves of Enneth.   It's a relatively long story, so I'll start now before I commence my classical blabbering about small damsel problems.   We were on our way to the Road of Storms. It's this increasingly tight corridor of sea currents and winds, trapped between Fordel Forest and the continent on which dragons reside, according to Tallion. Naturally, we were very careful. I remember Maltor proposed we should sail around the continent and avoid the Road, but Nixie told him it's impossible. Later I found out it's because the dragons and their riders also live in the south of the Continent, so you can't just circumvent it. But Maltor never found out, and I think he and the other crewmen were a little annoyed that they didn't know why we were going through the Road in the first place.   Well, our first day was actually quite nice. We let the jagged rocks of the dragon-continent fade in the horizon as we enjoyed a peaceful, sunny day. It was windy enough for the boat to move fast, so we were content with our pace. So we could fool around the boat, I guess. Well, first off, there were some serious things to discuss. Nixie wanted to finally address THAT problem, which had occurred days before. She had summoned us all to tell us about the Road of Storms and its perils, and used the scene to announce that she planned on punishing Dillen and Verfy for their misdemeanors: Dillen for poor management and Verfy for disrespecting Dillen's orders.   I didn't really agree with this assessment, since a stupid order shouldn't be obeyed, but that's why I'm Nutcase-Eve for you, dear journal who wishes the storms had claimed its pages. That's why I can't lead. Leadership is a pain in the side, to say the least. I'm mannered enough not to push further, hah. Look at me, manners! Anyway, Nixie had a tough choice, she needed to exert authority but she didn't know how. The crew were already quite bemused. I think they don't really fear her, or, rather, they are under the impression her command is some kind of popularity contest, where the most popular get away with things (see Verfy). So she HAD to punish Verfy. Fine with that. But Dillen had done a far worse crime. In my opinion. And her punishment was to make them find a way to entertain the party... together.   I won't question our captain to her face, obviously, but I didn't like that Dillen got away so easily. I don't even care if she has some subterfuge against him. He should have been made an example for disrespecting another crew member like that. Well, I guess bad boys do win.   Speaking of which, Bart was very amazed Drenizek didn't get a punishment. Probably for... not giving Dillen the wine? I mean, Drenizek was following the CAPTAIN's orders. It seems to me Bart doesn't like our now-literate musician-monk. Or, rather, he simply has the same worldview as Dillen when it comes to useful people. I get it. Rationally speaking, Drenizek is a problem. Well, to rational people who need to reason all the time. Drenizek is an annoying presence for all their reasoning, mind you.   I'm a little scared. What does Bart really think of... you know, things? I don't mean me, I'm not always that egotistical. I mean things in general. I think he has this... coldness... I never remarked, mostly because he's so cute and kind with me. Or was... Now that he isn't, well, I can see he's far more Dillen than I thought previously. I think he thinks Drenizek is a liability, not because he doesn't work, but because of his feelings. Cute. Next time he'll need a cure, or he'll receive a shield from our kindred spirit rune, I hope he'll think about the importance and valor of feelings.   Maybe I'm harsh. Maybe there's something wrong with Bart in general! I mean he ignores me all the time. He just reads his journals and touches his pendant and reads stuff and thinks. And I get that he's trying to do something, but he won't tell me what! And what's worse is that I can see he's generally unwell and he won't tell me! Me! Who am I, if not his first and foremost helping hand!? Why does he refuse me? Why do I get this nasty Tallionesque feeling? Where once again I obsess and despair and the guy just sits there and reads his Ionolian books? Or journal, in this case?   I don't blame Bart. It's perhaps because I'm so tiring. I've been jealous of Nixie too, maybe I look like a stupid girl. He's 2 years younger than me, but for the first time I feel like the child. I don't like this feeling. I crave control. And attention. It's true, I love attention. But I'm good at giving attention too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just has to do anything, anything!.... Ugh... I hate begging. I hate it so much. I won't do it. I hope he doesn't expect it.   But I wish he'd start talking to me....   Oh, great job, Eve. Once again paragraph after paragraph of stupidities. It makes me sick. I'd follow Bart, but is it because I put him on this pedestal, like he's a god? Do the crewmen follow Nixie only because of a lie, that it's the only way, that they have no choice, that it's what they signed up for? I felt these questions hard in my chest these days... So yes, that's when I remembered that quote at the beginning. I don't know...   I guess I should write about what was going on on the boat. Uh. I don't know. Nixie trained with her elvish tutor, the very scary Miremis. Who set the boat on fire, and Nixie had to extinguish it. I decided to try to work together with our captain, maybe two good minds can crack the code that is this elemental magic Miremis wants Nixie to learn. We tried to find the way in which elements are linked one to another and their energy can be transferred. It was fun, but I didn't feel like doing a full-fledged thing out of it. I did enjoy spending some time with Nixie, though. I miss our days in the room with Sea and Verfy.   That day, a dragon came from the sky, dear journal. I've seen so much this journey, but nothing could prepare me. Th... It's a marvelous beast. I can't say something negative. It was a monster who wanted to eat all of us... but damn if it wasn't incredible!!!!! Huge, black, thick scaled, with yellow piercing eyes, a killing machine, for sure, but a beautifully crafted one at that. We could only fend him off because Miremis created a water dragon from the sea and used the sea itself to batter the beast. The dragon did get to bite off the helm, almost eating Xebec in the process. I worked with Drenizek to dazzle the dragon with the only weapon I had: the third Eve-care vial. Oh well, goodbye, vial. It's not like I could have used you these days anyway...   Nixie created a line of ice claws that almost froze off the entirety of the dragon's tail. I must say, Nixie is very scary when she unleashes the full force of her magic. Same goes for Miremis (who was very scary even before, so....). Elves are intimidating. I understand why humans kept a healthy distance. Though I don't agree. Unlike humans, Elves don't waste their power on stupid endeavors.   It was a very intense fight. I remmeber seeing our handsome scout Marv fall from the deck, Xebec almost got eaten, Tallion teleported somewhere in the middle of the sea to fight the dragon (!?), Heron just jumped on his arm for some reason...! Poor crewmen, we must look like madmen and monsters ourselves, hah! Drenizek was the only one to get really involved in the fight, throwing my vial into the dragon's head. I'm pretty sure Drenizek would've faced the dragon 1 v 1 if it came to that. Mad. Madder than me. I'm jealous again.   Ironically, that was our last decent day (yes, this is decent nowadays). With some makeshift helm made of two ropes tied to the rudder, then tied together on top where the helm was, and held in place by a piece of wood Xebec could move from side to side, we soon had to face the worst storm in my life. There isn't much to write here, honestly. I was conscious for maybe 4 hours....? 3? 6? 1000? I don't know. The sky was dark, like there was no tomorrow. Lightning bolts hit from above, one even struck down our main mast. Rain was falling like we were underneath a waterfall. It was so cold. So, so, so cold. I was NOT adequately dressed for this. I saw Xixi enjoy this a little too much. But the rest were dead serious. Not even Xebec was laughing. It was tough. The storm wouldn't pass. I remember tyring my best. I also remember throwing up everything. Everything. At some point I gave up on any semblance of lady charm and started cry-puking in a bucket. I wanted to be thrown out in the sea. I couldn't endure such horrible....   Yea, I woke up in bed, next to Bart, I remember trying to read, but I couldn't. I was in poor shape. Could barely stand, when I did rise from bed. But I had work to do. THE STORM WAS STILL THERE. I tried to go, but they stopped me. They know, now, that I'm just a stupid poppy girl who is there to read runes and write history books. Oh well, I know my place. The puke-hole.   The storm lasted for three days. We got separated from the elves for a while, but we regrouped somewhere next to a big cliff. We were near land. We had clipped several large cliffs I later found were dragon skeletons... Imagine. Huge, huge rocks, actually being bodies of dragons... Chilling. Anyway. Now we were near actual land. Since there were not thick dark woods, we presumed we were in Dutris, a region in the dragon-continent. I remember Dutris was a name given by the Vedians to the land where the Gatofaktians came - greedy peoples who fought the ancient Madobans and settled in the Haunted Marshes.   What do you think, dear journal, could things get worse? Oh, yes. The very next day we were assaulted by 5 ships with no more no less than the Three-Pointed Lance on their sails! It was the first time I saw anyone use that symbol. It was... unsettling I think is the right word. It felt very ominous. Finally, the real enemy was being revealed. I readied for battle. Talion told us the Fatorarkians were formidable fighters. I didn't know what would happen to us.   Nixie told us to man the posts, but I was never told what post I had, so I stuck somewhere near Bart like the clingy poppy I am (maybe I should call myself a weed. Like a red-vine. Yes, yes, red-vines are these red-leafed plants that grow on walls. It works). Anyway, Redvine-Eve stuck with Bart. I heard Xebec give some orders because no one knew what to do, the Fatorarkians were engaging the Elves and we were somewhere behind. We tried to ram an enemy ship but had unfavourable winds. We wound up attacked from two sides.   I was initially on the left side, but wound up on the right side with most of the crew (Verfy and the Fastodans were in charge of the left). I clashed swords with an enemy, I remember it was quite a horrible moment, I have nowhere near the strength for proper swordfights. I did manage to blast them with an arcanic spear, I always wanted to make that spell!!! In your face, withered old men of the Council!   That was the only highlight of my days, to be honest. At some point I saw that the Fatorarkian ships transmitted a huge fireball from one bowsprit to another (yes, I'm starting to learn nautical terms, dear journal). And I knew it would bast us bad, very bad. Miremis I think weakened the spell, but it kept going towards us (it travelled from boat to boat, and the last two boats had us between them). I drew my swords, said a small prayer and waited. I used the Rite of Resilience from Illien's book to toughen myself against magic, and hoped I could survive the physical power of the spell. IT was a fire spell, so I had to adapt. I tried to increase the dispersion of the magic I used in order to "capture" the power of the fire spell, but I didn't succeed. Eh, I'm not a mage. I tanked all that physical power, and almost died. I remember feeling almost as fried as in Verrkis island.   That being said, by the time I felt better, the fight was finally over. We had some wounded, like Laimon, who fought beside me. But we also had a casualty: Maltor. I never really liked him, but he was one of us. I felt sick, again. Not like in the storm, of course. But still sick. Because Maltor ominously wanted to go another way. Maybe going under their noses could've worked...? We never talked about it. And now Maltor is dead.   We had a funeral for both him and the 50 Elves who also perished. A lot of dead.... The Elves prepared for the funeral. I heard about their rituals, but this was something else. They readied the graves and surrounded them with vines, leaves and flowers. They came, dressed in pale white gowns, men and women alike, carrying tree leaves. The leading Elves carried a silver-like recipient in which they carried water. It was made of Elvish iron, I presume. They used it to wash the faces of the bodies they carried into the graves, while the Elves sang a soothing, sweet song, of longing, of farewell, it was not in any way a song that sounded like a funeral song, but rather a song of lost friends who went away, and of futility, or so I felt. It was much sadder.   We couldn't sing the same for Maltor, but Drenizek did use his lyre to the most of his ability. Vadrek even gave Maltor part of his debt to him. And Orman gave him his set of cards. They really developed a close camaraderie, I know that. It's nice to see it, but right now I can't feel many positive things.   May the Almighty name him into His Kingdom.  

"Do what you must, but never forget the flanks" - King Torian II of Worania to his son, shortly before the battle of Vacspon.   Dear journal,   I wanted to write in you sooner, but I've been feeling a little off. In the end, I decided to write something down, at least.   So, I picked a weird quote for this one, I know, but I like to think of it as an iconic moment in history. Torian's son never watched for the flanks. The Woranian army was surrounded and the Rascodians won. His son literally didn't care for that one simple advice. It was so sudden and it happened so quickly after Torian uttered the words, it became funny. And now it's like an anecdote.   I think it encompasses how I sometimes barge through life. It's funny how I do that, me being a poppy girl and all. I wonder, maybe I was actually a Fastodan soul born as a Ionolian girl.   This brings back some memories. Like my very serious conversation with my dad when I was some 6 years old. I asked him, out of the blue, if he missed my mom. He looked at me and smiled rather distantly and said "yes, little one". And i got angry because he called me "little one" and I yelled at him for some reason.   I remember he was very distraught and yelled back at some point saying that I'm not ladylike at all and that he'll beat me into being a sweet flower like my mom used to be. And I quipped "maybe she's not my mother" and he hit me with some belt. I was not a nice child. Well, I'm not nice now either. That's my point. I can't really believe, even today, that I was spawned into this world by her. She was always described as the kindest, purest, least problematic being the world had ever seen. I, on the other hand, am not.   I remember only fragments of her, very vaguely her face, but really mostly her smile. She had this very wide and gentle smile. I don't think my mother ever crossed any lines. She weaved through them, and the lines would move around her so they would not bother her. She was that kind of person. I instead break the lines and barge into the abyss.   I'm sorry, dear journal, I think I am becoming one of those stressful damsels that have to sigh at the prospect of a perfect mother she never really knew, pampered by her father but rebellious for the sake of it. Imagine, what a bland, mediocre picture! Ish. I'm mediocre!   I have been thinking about it lately. You see, I think I can come back to the present day now. So, dear journal that wishes were thrown into the water, which would finally dissolve these foolish letters, we left Enneth and started out our great journey south, towards the place called the Road of Storms, where ships are hit by winds against rocks like hands clapping at a dance festival. We were in a good mood, so we resolved to fix stuff around our ship. There was much fixing to do, so I helped with sewing some of the broken bits of the sails. We have some sturdy sails, I must say. But the storm we faced back at the Sapphire fountain had been quite rough on our ship.   That evening we gathered to hear Nixie's story about her journey into Galaston. I was extremely curious, and very proud of our captain for braving into such a place. And living there an entire week. I wanted to know more about nightgaunts, too. I intend to be able to stand my ground against such creatures, someday. You see, I may not have a charming smile, or be a sweet young lady, but at least I may be able to beat ghosts with a glowing stick!   Well, instead... Instead of listening... I must interrupt myself first. Nixie is a great storyteller, but she makes a few rare mistakes. This time, she made the very big mistake of underlining she had to go into Galaston naked. Immediately, people picked THAT up and started making sly comments. So, going back, instead of listening to the story, they started laughing about the whole think (also about the fact that Nixie was eating trippy blackberries). And my Bart... haha. Go figure... Kept insisting on the "naked" part of the story. I looked at him, he looked at me (very amused) and kept on rambling about naked-Nixie. And I was really angry so I became petty-jealous-Eve again. Well, I can't be wrong, this time. I mean, our captain has that going on for her, for sure. You can definitely say about Nixie that she's beautiful (as opposed to myself, as you may remember our fun discussion some weeks before, dear journal). Still, it's my firm belief that you don't have to picture her naked to think that..... which made this even worse, in my opinion.   Well, I was quite pissed off, I tried to listen to the rest of the story but I was too distracted by Bart's obnoxious remarks. Like really obnoxious, and his looks were like "what?". What!? What!? Uh.... I was just too jealous to understand that I probably looked very, very amusing to people. Oh well. I went to sleep on deck, far away from Bart and his naked elf fantasies. It was warm and nice anyway, why stay inside all the time...? Eh, you can see right through me, journal. Of course I wanted to go back, but didn't want to give Bart any victories. I tried to imagine a way I could get him jealous, but... I remembered how I began the whole thing, when I first met him, where I tried to make Oafius jealous by being extra nice with Bart.... And by extra nice I mean cheeky, very, very cheeky. The thought disgusted me. Gosh, I was even worse back then, a few months ago. At least I am a little bit less that now. Hopefully...   That night we woke up because it seems there was a hole in the ship, Bart was to blame, with Vadrek and Brunek. I thought to myself it's because he was so distracted by naked Elves in his mind... My pettiness can only be rivaled by my idiocy. I have fun organizing races between the two.   The next day, things went about calmly. I didn't really bother Bart, I wanted to send him a sort of message. In the meanwhile, people trained and stuff, so I read some more from the runebook. I'm trying to understand the ways in which runes can store magic over long periods. I've been scratching my head lately with these intricate rune designs which reminded me of the Vazakis mines runes I drew. I want to be able to invent some runes myself, and I mean really complex ones. I was also happy my mind was strained with that instead of Bart-related idiocies.   That evening we found out Nixie planned to go to Galaston... Again! Oh, I got to meet her teacher. Miremis, she calls herself. A strong Elvish sorceress, with that timeless feel about her looks, but also some very wide, almost yellow eyes. I sensed into them some kind of terror. Really, I think she looked through me, like I wasn't even there. I wish Nixie all the luck. She might need it. Miremis looks like a very tough cookie. And by cookie, I mean rock. And by rock, I mean the toughest granite you can find.   Anyway, by evening, Nixie went on a small boat to the rocky shore, near a forest. Not Galaston, mind you. The rest started itching for fun stuff to do, and Vadrek soon came up with something: He heard there was alcohol on deck. Everyone, and I mean everyone turned their heads towards Drenizek, the only one known to have hidden some drinks around. Drenizek didn't try to hide the fact that he had stored some alcohol somewhere, so Dillen (who was left in charge by Nixie) told him to give it to the crew. He planned to have half of it consumed that evening, as a thank you to the crew for their efforts so far.   Drenizek refused, saying he'll only obey orders from captain Nixie. I didn't say a word, because I knew where this could be going and didn't want to ruin things further with my Nutcase-ways. But Dillen insisted, and Vadrek too. And Brunek, who was suddenly very happy to pick on Drenizek. So I tried to return the favour and tell them in my sharp-tongued, very ladilike ways, to shut the hell up. To which Brunek replies: "Wait, who are you now?"   ................................................   I couldn't. I just couldn't. They all laughed at me. I felt it. I felt the laughs of Naria and her group of idiotic damsels and of Robert who told me that I'm still up for grabs for reject magic school students, 'cause they don't get girls anyways.... I decided to let them have it. I could plan to ruin them. I could plan to ruin them like I ruined Robert when I set him up with a married friend he had believing she was someone else. I swapped some letters at a party. I wrote one myself, trying to copy the writing. It worked only because I got him a little tipsy before making sure he got the letter. I'm devious, I know. But from then on Robert lost his match (his father planned to have him married off to some rich merchant's daughter -oops). Anyway, I was a shady character, but now I want to think I am above that... Eh. I can't lie. I wanted to make them suffer. But... I didn't do anything. So I shut up.   They quarreled for a while. Drenizek refused to obey Dillen, saying the wine wasn't for him anyway. Poor Drenizek, he was doing what he knew he should be doing. And I know he doesn't like Dillen. So it didn't surprise me. Verfy tried to diffuse the situation by proposing a 1 on 1 with her for the alcohol. If they won, they would get it. Pullius threw in another offer: he would forgive Drenizek's debt to him (1 gold I think) if he gave up the alcohol. Is this guy nuts!? (Yes, according to Xi'xi'rps, who brought him a whole barrel of nuts). Drenizek was naturally angered. He wasn't doing this because he wanted to keep the alcohol to himself, idiots!   Well, Verfy was the only one helping him. In the end, no one wanted to fight her (go figure... cowards). I think that my good opinion of this crew went down a notch. Especially Dillen, the bastard. He truly hates Drenizek, I see that. I don't really know why, other than because he is what Dillen will never be: a good man. Well, good men don't win wars, said someone. Good men don't win, period, said Dillen (probably), and Life.   So yes, Drenizek had to give up and he went to bring one of the two pots of alcohol (this one was from Marv, given to him specially...). Dillen, it seems, is annoyed that Drenizek has "preferential treatment" and could hide alcohol from the rest. I get that he is in charge now, but... God. I hate him. So. So. Much!!!! He could've handled this 100 times better. There were so many other ways...   And he's stupid, too. Drenizek was and is an integral part of the ship. When he was sick, barely keepin himself upright, he still worked the ropes, he still tried to sing to cheer us up, and did everything in his power to keep helping us. And now Dillen says he's not doing his part................   I went to sleep much more annoyed than usual. For the first time in months, I felt back home. And, as you very well know, dear journal, that was bad, very, very bad. And I was still mad at Bart so overall I felt like garbage.   In the morning, I went to see how Drenizek was doing. He was up early and standing by the bowsprit, looking at the sea. I'm not sure why but I asked him why he's there. He replied: "Do you think she's all right out there?" pointing at the woods. I explained to him that Nixie should be fine, she braved a week in Galaston, one night in a forest at the edge of the sea here should be fine. From what I gather, this place was not cursed, but near cursed lands anyway. It's confusing. Anyway, yea, so Drenizek's mind wasn't really in last night's incident. I smiled a bit, I think, and I felt again that there is a disparity in the world.   The flanks, the stupid flanks.....   Sometime later, the others woke up. We went to eat, but then Pullius held us up, telling us he had dreamt something. Then, Nixie arrived, we were glad to see her well, but she had the same worried face as Pullius and told us she saw something. So we all went inside the captain's quarters to talk. It seems Nixie saw Marcel last night on the beach, and into his eyes he saw Pullius sleeping. And Marcel had drawn the Primordial Beech in the sand, but the wind scattered it. And Pullius had dreamt something. One of Damaschini's crewmen, Cato (the one they called "the Shadow Assasin" at some point), but with red eyes and holding a reddish new sword, thowing the heads of Pullius' old friends at his feet (except Zarkuz, the one with four eyes, who's not his friend).   We tried to decipher this and decide what to do. I told Nixie that maybe the best course of action would be to let the worst case scenario play out in your head, feel those horrible feelings, if only a bit, so you would strengthen yourself for the next time these thoughts may appear. Brushing them off is not enough; I know she doesn't brush them off, she's very cautious and calculated and aware. Unlike me, haha. Anyway, I was just telling her what I gathered from Illien's Letters to a Better Man. It's a little hard, and dangerous, maybe, to let yourself filled with the thought of losing, of seeing your loved ones die, of seeing the Beech Tree of old burned, but... Feeling it now could make it easier to face these thoughts in the future.   We had a very heartfelt discussion on it, until I started feeling that Pullius and the others were cornering Nixie with their insistence on hoping and fighting and.... huh? Do they even listen? I think Nixie has more hope than I have, right now, if only because I let myself down with stupid thoughts and problems. Anyway, the demons could come for all of us, it's not like Nixie has a problem and we have to solve it for her. I think I'm starting to understand why Nixie really dislikes some together trainings. It's because sometimes people become very.. preachy... about stuff, and it feels like you have a problem and they need to help you because you can't fend for yourself. I know that feeling. It's what my father made me feel when I told him about Pullius. Well, I figured it out. Ha.   Anyway, I got very annoyed. Then came Pullius' turn. He was clearly not over his quarrel with the old crew. It seems he didn't really get along that well with a couple of them. Anyway, when they went their separate ways... Pullius couldn't tell us whether they had abandoned the cause of fighting Evil, or were swayed by Evil, or simply didn't want to stay with him anymore.. He felt abandoned, but I felt all of them must've felt the same. He even told me about a girl called Miyun who was a half-human half-some other creature who hated him and turned to Xantinya...   I don't know how I got annoyed by that as well, but Pullius had been mentioning Lyiaria lately, the Elf companion he had, and had huge praise for her. Also, he said how his life was influenced by them, and I felt.. I don't know, out of the picture? It was annoying to see how mediocre I was in the whole thing. Egotistical-Eve strikes again. I was mad and very petty and Bart gave me a slap :o   I must interject, and say that Verfy talked some sense into me earlier, that Bart was just curious, and all men are curious. It's natural. I'm talking about the Nixie thing. I bet that Bart is curious to know how someone beautiful looks like, hah. All he gets is the poppy-woman. Well, I kind of got distracted by that slap. At some point, I teased Bart by interrupting Pullius on his blabbering. I can't write about it, really, but looking back I think I am even more mad than I thought I was.   In any case, I wasn't there when they talked about the Drenizek-Dillen thing. I had forgotten about the flanks. I barged right in the room with Bart and went for all the bottled up feelings I had, and decided to throw away all these annoying thoughts and memories and frustrations and just feel happy and in love once again.   I regret it now. I truly do.   When Bart and I returned, the entire crew had been gathered, Nixie had started to admonish them for quarreling in her absence. Our captain was very harsh, but I don't think she wanted to get to the bottom of the issue. She insisted on the "you can't live one night without alcohol?" thing but ignored the obvious issue regarding Dillen's opinion of Drenizek, and Dillen snidely reminded her of it. He insisted on Drenizek being made to work extra to be of use on deck, he insisted that it's not fair that Drenizek gets preferntial treatment and he said something along the lines of "let's not let personal feelings influence how we do things around the ship". I felt Verfy wanted to smack him. I looked at her, and she at me. We had the same urge to smack him into smithereens. Thankfully, we stayed put. Then the Fastodans suddenly rose up in revolt that Drenizek believed in the One Almighty.   Yes, as I had said, Drenizek had found something more in the Fountain than most. He found a way to understand what he could already feel, but not perceive consciously. And they smacked him for it, too, because they were afraid of the "Almightyist conversions" that might follow. I wanted to say something, but the goddamn flanks... I thought "better not get involved".   Obviously the cornered Drenizek wouldn't take it sitting, so he stood up and faced Dillen and the rest. He said he was aware that this journey is more important than meets the eye, that we shouldn't lose focus as a result. More hardship awaited. He knew there was something big going on. He admitted he believed in the one Almighty now, and that he was in love with our dear captain.   Only then did it hit me that I could've done something. I knew all of this. And I did nothing. Flanks, flanks, flanks....   I don't think this was Drenizek's idea of how to handle things. I knew he planned to come clean, but not like this. I think Dillen just made it a lot worse. I hope there's a special place.... Nevermind. I don't want to wish ill of Dillen, but I hate his guts. His sly smile... He was happy. It's all he wanted. To humiliate Drenizek, to assert his stupid dominance. Even Bart had picked his side at one point. He's reasonable, right?   You know what? Why don't you reasonable folk guide us? Bart is a reasonable enough guy. I'm not. I was never reasonable. Haha, imagine this. Even now, I'm revolting like an idiot, just like I was revolting back in my childhood. For what? I don't know. But let's not lose focus. The one actually having problems here is Drenizek. And as I was fuming on the whole DIllen thing and thinking about my revolts, I didn't even go to him to tell him... I don't know... Something!   No one did.   We resumed our works, now that it was established that Drenizek would get some extra work of some sort done. It didn't even matter anymore. I hate Dillen.   I wanted to write more, but I feel some kind of sickness around this whole thing. I tried, later on, to talk to Bart. You know, talk, not just make love. And he brushed me off.... He was focused on his training. Was I not serious enough for him? I don't know. I feel bad. I probably have no reason to feel bad. Again, idiot, flanks! Look at the people who actually are in a bad place!   I went to talk to Drenizek, but even he had no words for me. He just smiled and said that he'll work off his stay on the ship and that's that. I know the cheerful types are always the most dangerous to upset. If you do, you destroy them. I think the era of the laughing-partyboy-Drenizek is gone.   I will write some more when I feel like it. There's much to say about a certain Abomination. No, not Dillen.   * * *   Dear journal, I'm back.   I think I fell asleep for a little while. Dreamt I was back in Ionolia, but everything was burned down. The glades, the fields, the forests, the cities, the beautiful garden in Marion... Only the temple stood intact, on top of the hill. I tried to climb its 999 steps, but couldn't. They just kept increasing in numbers. I was now jumping them, 10, 20, 30 at a time, I had superhuman strength. I was almost floating over them. But they were so many!! And I figured out why. The steps, they were the first witnesses of the True Faith. They had been killed for their faith. Now, countless more were added to the list....   I didn't dream of any Marcel, though. I kind of almost wish I would, because I don't want to feel that I'm afraid. But I am, obviously....   Anyway, I should go back to telling more factual stories. I think I consume too much ink on stupid idiotic damsel-thoughts. We had a good journey south, and reached a peninsula which was populated by both men and elves. We stopped at an elvish village and were introduced to the local village elders.   We found out there that they needed help with a necromancer situation. Well, the necromancer was gone, but he left something behind, in an ancient temple he had vandalized: an Abomination, a monster. The monster couldn't be rooted out and the humans in the region needed help and had asked the elves, seeing how we arrived there. There was no news of the priest either, the temple used to have one. I had an inkling as to what could have happened to him, but preferred not to think about it.   We set out the very next day. We had accepted. We wanted to help these humans, they were nice enough and who doesn't hate necromancers and their evil ways? We took Xixi, Drenizek and Dillen with us (why...? I don't know). We didn't talk much on the way there, anyway. Better.   The temple was located on a deforested hill. It look truly old. It was a Singularist temple of the Dawn days of mankind, when the Blessed People tried to understand the Truth of the World by looking at elvish magic from afar, if you could put it that way. Inside it reeked of death, for the bodies of several soldiers still lay there, they had failed to root out the monster.   We went inside this huge dome. It was pitch black, but we had torches, courtesy of Dillen. We found the alter in the middle, it was broken by dark arcanic magic. Nothing surprising. But suddenly as we were searching on the walls around a tendril of dark arcane latched itself onto Pullius, and we heard a screech. On the ceiling, a horrible, tentacle-filled humanoid thing was attacking us. The Abomination.   We retaliated as we could. We started hitting the tendril, but it barely phased the monster. Nixie started invoking white fire, it felt right at home in that temple, I must say, the spell broke beautifully in 6 bursts of white flame that shaped a symmetrical path around before re-uniting at the end, 3 of the bursts hitting the Abomination.   Pullius himself used his higher arcane to invoke blasts of pure arcanic flame which healed us, but injured the monster. It was made of some sort of distrorted arcane, which held on to some shape thanks, probably, to a ritual. Whatever hits it received, it could absorb part of the magic, distort it and reclaim it as dark arcane, throwing around seams of it and hurting us, or transmitting it through the tendrils and into the targets it latched on to. Poor Heron was hit by one too.   Then Bart started to shout at the Abomination. I think I never heard a more foul-mouthed man in my life!! I was quite shook, the Abomination somehow was also shook, because it decided to descend (Big mistake!) and bite my Bart.   I drew my sword and went on to save him. But if I hit him... the tendril would only take my hit, distort my energy and use it to hit Bart... so I tried to heal and shield him, rather than hit the thing.   Drenizek and Verfy used a rope to attack from above. Drenizek climed on its head, but got bit, while Verfy tried to hit him too, but she had lost a sword to the monster before (when he was still up on the ceiling) so I was worried. She disregarded her own life, and that wasn't good. Who was going to take care of her?   Nixie, Pullius and Heron did damage the Abomination a lot, then Xixi (who had tried various things before, unsuccesfully) finally decided to go full Fastodan on the beast and slash into it with one sword. I was genuinely more scared of Xixi than of the beast. Strygians are tall, and strong, and seeing one rage like that was... intimidating... And we were fighting a necromancer's pet monster, so... yea.   We finally brought the Abomination down, only for the dark arcanic seams to dissipate away and reveal the dissolving body of what was clearly the priest... poor man, he had been turned into a monster. I'm sure he couldn't do anything. He had been alive, but not really.   I read about this. I think Pullius learnt in .... nah, Pullius should have learnt in MAgic School, that before the Gavans there was no necromancy, but there were various ways to control people. These "-mancies" or "parazytisms" were sometimes even worse than necromancy. The thing is that necromancy is simpler and far more efficient, less time consuming and overall a more dangerous thing. But to be able to destroy a man's body and fill his soul with pure dark arcanic magic... and create that distorted monster, which could in turn distort the magic around him... And that material... The tendrils of distorted arcane... Any hit would just make them oppose the violence and absorb part of the damage, but they wouldn't break. You'd have to purify them from within and without....   Anyway, we got the job done... We were all tired. We searched the temple and the small house of the priest behind, but only found a button and a weird symbol I drew below. Oh, and some notes in what seemed like Vedian. Strange, Vedian in these parts....   I went to pray at the altar, pray for this place, for the priest's soul. I was sad before, now I was even sadder. Then Bart took me to sleep somewhere in a room of the temple.   After I woke up and on the way back... It hit me. You see, the goddamn flanks!? I saw it in Nixie's face. Why did we sleep away? I was never accessible. I thought of the way in which our room is almost always locked. I remember the days we spent sleeping in the same room, Nixie, Verfy, Sea and I. Those were good days. Now, I don't know... Maybe they think I'm unreachable?   That's even worse than being mediocre. And look at me now. I couldn't help Drenizek. Now I feel disconnected. I should change this. Let's not do that again. I don't like breaking away from the rest.   I will keep the door open from now on.   That being said... I don't know, I feel very bad. I don't feel like myself. I think I need some time alone, to sort myself out. But I can't find a good place on this ship. I'll just power through, for now. I'm going to be fine.   May the Almighty protect us, and yes, even Dillen...

"My greatest treasure is a kindred heart." - Illien the Great in his Letters to a Better Man   Dear journal,   I'm so extatic!! I have much to say, but actually I don't think I need many words.   Drenizek lives! It's been a crazy journey to rescue him, but we made it! The Elven healers actually removed his consumption entirely!? What a miracle, right!? I mean... Yes, he is scarred for life, poor guy can't really talk all that well, he's going to have this damage for the rest of his life... But now he can recover and he'll be almost like before!   I am so happy I almost didn't mention the Elvish council decided to join us! Yes, the council decided that Enneth would join the war against Evil and that they will send 4 councilors and 160 Elves with us to Vaneolin. Two miracles, almost scary, isn't it, but there you go. The Council even played with us by telling us at first that they will not join, but that they will help us past the Road of Storms if only we gave up Xixi. Sly foxes, hah. I thought Elves did not resort to such feeble tests! Obviously Xixi will be protected, to the last breath, by the entire ship. But yes, it was just a ruse, a final test to see if we were serious about rounding up all races against Evil. I doubt the Enneth Elves have been convinced by the threat of Xantinya or anything. I think they felt the time had come for Light to gather in one place, to pierce Darkness.   Excuse me, dear journal that tolerates my stupidities, I think I'm getting a bit over-dramatic, again. I love me some drama in the morning.   Going back to the normal world, ever since Drenizek woke up, I stayed with him. For the last 7 days, I've been mostly by his bed. He is sometimes visited by Verfy, too, who made sure that in the end Drenizek had a huge pot of wine kept just for him. Nixie left to do some elemental magic training in Galaston, Drenizek gave her a small vial used to absorb great pain, if she'd ever (hopefully not) need it.   We talked a lot. Well, I also teach him to write. After learning how to write those small letters, I think he got the taste for it, because he asked me to continue to teach him. I'm happy to. Sometimes Xixi comes along and I teach her a bit, too, it's funny. She's a horrible student. Never pays attention, lazy, mostly breaks all the pots in the room with her big head and bumbling legs. She's so delightfully oblivious and unscrupulous.   But I usually wind up alone with him. We talked about our journey, about how we all changed. He told me he had a long dream, days-long. He spent a while with Marcel, but Marcel didn't get to him. He realised something while he was drifting away. He had felt God all his life, but didn't know where to listen. He now knows he wasn't mad back then at the Fountain.   I was really surprised. He had little to no knowledge of Almightyism, but I think he believes in God now. He said the gods of his people look small and funny. We laughed about it.   He told me about what he felt when he saw Marcel in his dream, when he realised his faith, or when he felt he was about to die, but fought that feeling off. The songs of the Semanes who were healing him, the touch of grass and water that he felt in his dreams. All the pain, him leaving on his boat, crying, then fainting, the writing, everything. I also told him about my own stupid little things, I had nothing compared to him. Told him about how Bart caught me unprepared with the 1-month anniversary thing. Hah. And there he was talking about the One Almighty. I felt jealous of him. And I think he was of me, hah. Funny is life, really funny.   Well, that being said, I have to go back and teach my two unlikely students some new letters. Today is our last day in Enneth, tomorrow we'll leave, so... It feels nostalgic. Already, as if I had lived here a lifetime. The Elves will come with us now, It will be weird to have them beside us. I think our entire journey feels a lot different now, more... serious... more... ominous.   May the Almighty protect us.   P.S.: Dear Sea, I know you are watching us from above. I am happy that your kind and our kind will stick together in these trying times. I am glad some of you kindness stayed on this Earth within our hearts, and that it brings out the best in all of us and all around us. Once again, thank you.   <3

"Entwined paths may never break" - old Ionolian saying   Dear journal,   Not too many days have passed since I last wrote here and I already feel my hand heavy with thoughts to put on paper. It's been... quite intense. I am currently sitting on a porch in the middle of the loveliest town I've ever seen.   But let's go back a little, I don't want to lose myself again in mumbles without direction. One day I'd like to be able to read this again and understand whatever I was doing, without having to cross-read seventeen pages in order to understand the simple order of things, hah!   Or maybe read this to grandc... Actually, no. Maybe after some tweaks.   So we were heading in a hurry towards Enneth, with Xixi as the newest addition to our already eclectic crew. The winds were favourable, and we approached an island called Pritis. Since it was such a nice day, we had to have our together-training, which was as animated as ever. I wasn't really in the mood (I know, I never REALLY am), because I kept thinking about our poor Drenizek, who had just wanted to leave us in a small boat to die. I remember Heron telling him he's a coward for trying to run, but I don't think he wants to run. I don't know. I usually never cared very much for people around me that were not particularly close to me (I know, I'm a monster), but I think I'm starting to learn to human, so there you go. I was really upset. I knew there was nothing left but head to Enneth, but I had seen that man, he had so many things in him, so many thoughts, all very powerful and mostly destructive, I'm afraid he may yet die...   Fortunately, I didn't have to really get involved in this together training, I'm not sure they even noticed they skipped me, haha. They talked about how we were going to deal with the Enneth Elves. Pullius even decided to beat his own records of ineptitude and told Nixie he's worried the Enneth Elves will not believe Nixie is an Elf at all.... I mean, how much can you ruin someone's day, on something so dumb, no less? I will not let him slip such stupidities about Nixie again, the Magic-Oafling (read: Orc who looks like a human and spews magic). But something else happened. Verfy grabbed Nixie by her neck when our captain was reading instead of togethertrainering. And Bart said something along the lines of "that's a sexy image". And I got so red I could've beaten Verfy in a redness contest. I was petty with him for five minutes or so until Verfy whispered to me that Bart probably thought of me and him in that particular position.   I must say I'm a little dumb. But I also figured that I'm a jealous person. I wasn't. Go figure. Jealous-Eve is also immensly petty and passive. If Bart actually got to know another woman that might like him, she could steal him away from me in no time, I'd be too busy cooking up one-liners to even notice she's actually doing it. God. Keep your man, idiot!   It's funny, how little things like these remind me how pathetic we are, and that's actually better. We shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. I actually felt better after that. Nothing related to the together training. Or wait, actually there was something that helped: I heard Nixie say she's feeling better. Given the Drenizek situation, that really made me glad. As I said in my letter, I know our captain is strong and has her own pace in things, and I'd trust her more with holding hope than me, I mean, read the above..   Bart, however, was quite sad. In the together-training he said he's tired and quite annoyed, I saw him, he was really feeling bad, probably starting to think too much at where we were and what we were doing. Probably he doesn't have funny pathetic thoughts like Nutcase-Eve here. I wonder, though. Was he ever jealous? I really want to know now. hehe.   Going back to serious stuff, Bart was really down, so I told him to take a day off from thoughts and activities. Just lie in bed with me. We had a gorgeous afternoon. He slept like a baby in my lap for a while, as I read through my rune book (I started engraving new runes, I can barely wait to use them). Then I gave him a massage I felt was really great, since he tried to talk to me at first but then fell asleep with a big ol' smile on his face. I even had fun biting his ears while he was sleeping, shush. I mean, he probably knows. Ups. After that he woke up feeling very very fine.   Well, the next day started a bit rough. Nixie woke us up saying Drenizek dreamt of the demon that haunted Talion, the one someone dubbed Marcel (I suspect it was Nixie, but I can't remember exactly). Anyway, Marcel came into Drenizek's dream and showed him he was gonna come after Nixie after that. I must say, Marcel sounds like a more refined demon than Pullius' older friend. But demonology aside, it pierced my heart to hear it. I know Drenizek carries a lot on his shoulders right now. We decided we should try to ignore Marcel's ominous presence and focus on getting Drenizek safely home. They wanted to talk to him but I convinced them not to. It wasn't a good idea to come and show, again, how worried they were. Drenizek would have hated it. It's not pride. He thinks he can protect us from his own hardships... He should've wised up by now, this ship shares a lot of feelings. And information...... HERON........   Drenizek was still fighting, so we had to give it our all. The next day we did not stop, we decided to sail all the way to Enneth without stopping, until we reached it. It was easy enough during the day, but when night came, we were tired. I did not want to go to sleep, even if I'm useless on deck. I figured someone had to transmit orders, so I stayed around Xebec and Nixie and Dillen. But then...   The night was particularly unfriendly. I mean, cold, coarse. Winds were ominously blowing from a rocky island we were sailing past. No one heard or saw anything, but suddenly.... uh, I can't write. I actually saw it and I can never not see it. Poor Gerki fell from his crow's nest, slashed to pieces.... We rushed inside, because we all knew what had happened. The fabled nightgaunts were there...   I didn't get to see one, thank God. We barricaded inside, then Pullius blasted them with a purge of arcanic fire, not before hitting his head on his fast spinning staff. Ish.   The next morning, we were scared, tired, sad and drained all over. We gave Gerki a burial at sea, like we did for so many others... He made his mistakes, but he was one of us. And now he was gone, just like that... No one could've defended him. He died in the blink of an eye, probably. At least he didn't suffer too much, I hope....   Fleeting, life on our boat. Our ranks grow thinner. It's not easier.   That morning, we finally arrived in Enneth. I don't even know where to start describing it. It was... a sunrise of hope, a place both new and old. Beautiful, almost like a beautiful ray of light over a dark grove, a ray that could vanish any time. And the monument of Enneth... That huge leaf made of rocks, which sustain actual plants, actual flowers, growing right out of it!!!   A little bit of the Fountain lives in here. A little bit of that old world of the Elven King.   We were met by Elves, very serious, stern-looking elves dressed in flax clothes. The Elves were very hospitable, but cold and distant, like far away stones of an old ruined city. Which they might as well be. I think that's how they feel, at least. They immediately took Drenizek away, to tend to his disease. I wanted to see how, but realized I couldn't follow those mysterious, ageless Elven curers.   We got a night to ourselves, and it was actually quite nice. We were all a little tense, as we had to talk to the council, but especially because while we were talking and eating and drinking Drenizek was fighting for his life. I kept my wine for him, and Nixie and Verfy did the same <3   Bart told me that night that it was our anniversary, one month since you know we are together. I felt a little stupid for not even realising it. Then it hit me: one month? Wow. It felt longer. I mean, so many feelings condensed into one month? This journey really transfigured all of us, everything is happening much faster, but also much truer. I feel my love for Bart to be stronger than one month's worth of feelings. Heh.   That night, I slept a little better. I prayed for good omens the next day.   And then... yes, the Council. We had to present our plan. I'll spare you the details, but it was a mess. Nixie talked for us, in front of this council of 12 wise elves, who clearly weren't amused in the slightest by our bickering amongst ourselves, our focus on whatever human threats existed and on Pullius' propensity to prevent any one of the 12 wise elves from speaking before his holy voice could be heard. Probably learned this tactic in the Rhetoric class. Good no one asked ME something, though. Verfy did have a very inspiring intervention, our bum-bum girl knew how to phrase our situation. She said that like the Elves fend off the nightgaunts we are trying to do the same to the entire world, protect it from shadows. Simple, yet effective.   Then, they called us one by one, to talk to us separately. We were trying to convince them to join the common front against the undead and the fight against Xantinya, mind you. And the Elves were understandably uninterested. Their world was mostly dead already, and they felt that there was little left to succeed or do. But maybe we could convince them by just being ourselves. Maybe we could become, I don't know... friends?   They were actually friendlier when I was alone with them and we talked about me and my parents and my home. I told them about father, and Pullius, and the bickering puffy whores back in Marion. And the stream, and the glades, and all the beautiful books I read. I even asked them about their provenance. They were hunters, fishermen, soothsayers, wanderers, explorers. All of them had simple, quick and pure answers. These Elves were awestriking.   Now, we are waiting. For Drenizek to beat his disease. For the Council to decide whether they will join the forces of Good or stay behind. The Elves must join the humans, lest we all die... I know that, I feel that. I'm not worried for either outcome, not too worried. Entwined paths may never break.   May the Almighty save Drenizek and guide us all together against Evil.

"The hare and the tortoise raced. The hare reached no ground, for in no time it could have so done. The tortoise strived all the way; and it won" - 3rd tale of Theme   Dear journal,   It's nighttime now. Bart is sleeping like a baby. I found something and I wanted to write down this note immediately.   I'm sure Nixie won't read what I'll write here in like ever, but I'm sure to find a day and a moment to tell her some of it in person.   So, point is, dear journal, I got a letter from our captain. It was a very... touching one. I mean, I always thought Nixie was a little bit apprehensive at my brash go-Nutcase style, so I figured she wouldn't open up to me very much. Maybe she fears I'll go all judgy on her, I tend to get inflamed and start spewing words on people whenever I feel the need to get a point across, but I usually do it because I care so much about the subject (both the subject of the discussion and the person I'm getting the point across).   Im writing as much as Pullius speaks, enough!   So, basically Nixie answered my letter, the letter I sent her back then with the Marc and captain election thing. It was a heartfelt letter, possibly my most heartfelt letter, I don't remember ever putting so many words for one singular point. I really really wanted to give Nixie this point of view, knowing she would understand what I meant there and hoping for a rapport. And she never mentioned anything about it since, but I guessed she didn't know where to start. We are alike in some ways, hehe.   So she got me this letter, explaining to me that she has both motivation and hope. She was clearly upset during the last together training, I remember talking a lot and maybe sounding a little bit pedantic. Maybe she thought I didn't pay attention to what she said, which is not true, of course, but I do tend to go over the top with one idea or two - I'm obsessive Nutcase Eve, after all.   She then shared the fact that she's writing a book on our adventures. Imagine my astonishment. I mean I knew she was writing some sort of log, I thought, but an entire book, that's gotta be a very large and complex project. But if I hear "large complex project" I hear "Nixie", so I'm sure the book is as good as her one-liners.   But most importantly she gave me a crumpled piece of paper which today represents the invaluable gem which I hid in my jewelry box (I have no other jewels, shh). I never saw anything so sincerely written down before. I could read through her most pure and primal emotions, fear, hope, hate, faith, desperation, apprehensiveness, all kinds. I can't really tell more, not even to you, it's a secret I will keep. But that piece of paper was the greatest gift I've ever received; it meant she trusts me, and more than that, she wants me to understand her; which means she thinks I can understand her. And the fact that a person thinks you can UNDERSTAND her, like really understand her... Is one of the most precious things on this good earth. I can't say I trust a lot of people to understand me. In fact, almost nobody. So.... yes, I was very touched.   As for her feelings... Dear Nixie, I know you can't read this. No worries, you don't have to. I'll show it. What you need are not arguments for hope, and certainly not for me to repeat why we're doing this etc. Haha. No. You know, you want to do this, to fight evil and save this world, you know where your hope is to lie. But you are also careful. You understand. Maybe you understand too much, eh.   I remembered the 3rd tale of Theme the wise monk from Pel, of the hare and tortoise. I'm the hare. I go here and there and maybe I get lost. My hope is everywhere, so sometimes I find myself hopeless in the middle of it all. You, my dear Nixie, are the tortoise. You go slow, very slow. No one would give you a chance, at first. But, little by little, you arrive to a much stronger, safer feeling. I know that. What you need is for us to believe in you, and not cater for you as if you don't have the power, or the understanding, or the ability to hope.   Honestly I wish I were like you, a lot of times. But I also love me and my Nutcase-ways, and I think together we make the perfect team.   As a friend, as a true friend, I will be by your side, just like this. Hope I can make at least a tiny difference.   P.S.: Our captain always caters for us. Look at how she cares for Drenizek. I want her to know she's cared for too. Hehe. Shhh

"That vast sea awaits us, in the end, and they say the boat only has room enough for one" Aedyra Vantior, in her To the Great Shore.   Dear journal,   I have to say there's barely a day on this ship that is not eventful in its own way. Certainly things have been this way even as we left the Western Desolation and then the Place where it All Began. I...   I can't lie to you, dear journal, I feel down. I was hopeful when I left the Place where it All Began, now I don't know. I am hopeful, it's not my general hope that's affected, it's that things are happening which make me wonder. And I'm not the one suffering here. I am well. Others have it rough. It hurts to know that and then write a journal about yourself, like some kind of egotistical Nutcase-woman. Hm.   But I need this exercise. And I have a duty to love myself a little, too, so here we go.   I got to the part where we traveled around these beautiful sun-kissed islands, with stones aflame in the morning or evening suns. Especially the evening sun, for to the west, beyond the island, there's only open water. What a land to behold... Freedom beyond recognition. I lived all my life in Ionolia, surrounded by this cage of mountains, a beautiful cage, a wise and peaceful cage, but a cage nonetheless. Here, in the free open sea, you can see what your soul is made of.   We had to hurry to Enneth. Drenizek had slept in the captain's quarters last night, and he made it out to the deck in the morning, but no farther than the door. Nixie brought him breakfast. She's a very kind captain. The kindest I heard of, that's for sure. I wonder why she keeps insisting on having this cynical outer layer. Oh well. I am not one to speak, I also love my hatefilled Nutcase-cranky-whore Eve outer layer. Carefully wrapped around me for years now. Especially the layer of last year is thick and juicy.   Anyways, we got to see Drenizek pretend with absolutely no success that he's not very sick. Poor guy is clearly dying. I decided to try to read more about healing in the Ordinator's book, but... that's not the subject matter, really. I always neglected this side of things, healing and medicine... I don't know, never saw myself as the make-you-better type of person. Rather the punch-bad-people-in-the-face type. You'll see how that played out pretty soon, dear journal.   So we were minding our business on the ship, as Talion went up to cast his vision on the world around us, to see where we were heading. There were a few islands and we wanted to make sure we wouldn't hit a dead end somewhere. Talion spotted a few people running in the woods. We were intrigued. So there were people here! Wondered who they were. Some lost culture? We were far west. Maybe these were the old peoples that all others stem from. Blessed Peoples. Talion told us about small Blessed Peoples communities in the west - he heard about them from his old party. I was curios, but knew we had no time to haggle with sightseeing.   Then Gerki shouted at us. He said he saw 3 people on the shore to the left. There were three small dots on the rather distant shore, yes. Well. What about them? Should we see what it was all about? We knew there were more people running in the forest. Where they going to attack? Well, with what? They had no boats or ships. We could try to come to them, maybe ask them for help. Bart wanted to brew a potion for poor Drenizek, and needed some plants. I swear, Bart is so resourceful.   Nixie decided that we should go and investigate, but not haggle too much. We decided to make a makeshift team of negotiators... Yea... Verfys, Heron, Pullius and I. Well, how in the world is that a team of negotiators, I don't know. But I wanted to meet these strange folk, so obviously I wanted to come. We took a small boat and Heron and I sailed it to the shore. In the meanwhile, the scene on the shore was getting interesting. More people showed up, chasing a weird creature, very tall, blue and with only one eye. It looked a little like a human, a woman, but... instead of normal skin, she had this blue skin with small blisters or... I don't know how to call them, bags of air I think? I don't know. A yellow eye, just the one, that could move around its oval head. No hair, but fins. Green fins, as well, were on the outer parts of her arms and legs. Talion told us, quite scared of the fact, that she was a strygian, an ancient race. Come to think of it, styrs means water in Old Elvish.... More and more of this makes sense. I immediately felt that we had travelled back thousands of years, that very moment. It was a horrifyingly nostalgic, sad and huge moment, I almost felt my heart burst.   We landed ashore, determined to help her. We didn't know who she was, or who the men were, but... The men had surrounded her, holding weapons. The strygian held two swords. She was outnumbered, 10 to 1. We had to help. I wouldn't let a person in need alone. First, we take them down. Then, we see what this is all about. Obviously, I didn't mean to kill anybody. Obviously I can't kill anybody. Look at me, do you see me capable of that? I thought so. I'm less mean than I look.   That being said, I wanted to smack them good for ganging on the strygian like that. Though she was something like almost two times taller than me. So yes, tall. And she could really defend herself (she held the swords parallel to the ground, clockwise, and spun very fast - slashing all around her - and look very very flexible while doing that. I don't think a human body could do that though). Heron told me he'd toss me into them. I said yes, sure (God, Eve, are you all right?). He did, but it wasn't much. I landed near one of them. They had seen us and were waving at us for help. I drew my Sharpest Tongue and was ready to try to make him fight me (a random guy), but he was faster and with a swing of his axe threw my sword away. Then another one tackled me to the ground. I felt like the last piece of paper in a bad unfinished book, thrown away by the writer. I was squeezed into a morsel and thrown to the ground.   Verfy came to save me and stuck the two guys like they were Laimon sticks the fish on her stakes. Well, one of them fell dead on my lap, as I lay there on the ground, and I honestly got a little freaked out. I saw death already, but not on my lap. And this time it was kind of my fault. Maybe if I had resisted... Verfy wouldn't have had to save me... Useless garbage that I am sometimes, I swear, why do I insist going into battle!?   Anyway, as mad as I was at myself, we had to continue. Verfy killed yet another one, and Heron hit their leader pretty hard. I saw the strygian draw her blade into this man's shoulder. Ouch... Pullius rubbed his demon friend on his shoulder or something, because he didn't do anything, and the enemy started running. They even placed a wall of earth in our path - they had a mage with them, it seems.   After we calmed down, we tried to get to meet this new strange creature. We found out her name was Chichips? Xichips? Xixirps? I think the last one. We all decided to call her Xi. Xi is a strygian, and that's all we knew. We found out she wanted her sword (the men had stolen one of the two swords she fought with). She was very happy we saved her and wanted to show us some gratitude, so she went to the sea, cupped her hands and took some water, which she then gave to me. I cupped my hands and look at her. Xi wanted me to throw this water on my forehead. I did that, heh, funny. She then asked me to do the same - we were communicating through signs and looks. I did, I gave her water and she did the same. She is so tall, though, I can barely look at her. Funny, this Xi, but so very very intimidating. Imagine this alien creature, 2 50 tall, strong arms and leg and a weird sword smudged in her own dark-red blood, which does seem to have magical property of sorts, as far as I can tell.... Yea. We saw she was capable of mass-killing us. So, we felt great to just have to water our foreheads.   We decided to call the others to see what we could do. I saw three dead bodies but also two captured folk. One of them, the leader. We could make a prisoner exchange, I guess. I wanted to help Xi, but also wanted to secure something for Drenizek. We came there to search some plants, so... It only made sense to get those plants, and these people may help... We just had to solve the teeny weenie problem of us killing 3 of them...............................   When Nixie and Bart came, they were angry at us. I understand why. Nixie said we weren't thinking about Drenizek, and I felt like garbage again, because I did, but.... I did try to help Xi with no ulterior reason, 'tis true. I can't NOT help someone just because I also have to help Drenizek! I'm selfish, maybe. Bart was also upset, I bet he hates my Nutcase-ways. I felt horrible and just decided to do whatever Nixie wanted us to do. We talked with Xi via drawings on the beach. We decided to follow the humans and get her sword back.   We did, and obviously we fell into a trap. Deep in the woods, they surrounded us. We narrowly avoided a fight, because our brave folk managed to get between the strygian and the humans, and Nixie tried to defuse the situation. She even went to discuss with the humans' leader, the mage. Long story short, we got to show them they were a bit narrow-minded, if not downright petty, since we had no wish for a war, only for peace. Yes, we killed 3 people, but they fought us, well... Ah, I can't be kidding anyone. It was horrible. I couldn't find myself in the right. I just couldn't. Why did I have to start that fight? Well, to save the strygian. Yes, I guess. I don't know. It could have been avoided, maybe, but it is what it is. At least the strygian was all right.   It seems the strygians and this particular human village were at war, and have been so for hundreds of years. We had gotten mixed up in their war. But this strygian had done nothing wrong, only wanted to collect seashells and was attacked.... It doesn't matter to them, I'm sure. They hate each other and that's it. But Nixie told them we would leave and make her not attack them. They couldn't obviously believe that, so we found something else.   First, we freed the prisoners, as Verfy wisely suggested, without asking anything in return. Then we decided to take Xi with us, so that she may not bother them again. In exchange, we wanted to all get out of there without a fight, and we also wanted (Very important) herbs and honey for Drenizek. They reluctantly agreed, not before making Nixie swear on it on an elvish blade. Hm.   Back to the beach, we had a quarrel at what just happened (as usually, people first make decisions, then they regret them instantly). Well, I regretted my decision of having gotten of the boat in the first place. I felt like some kind of braindead pirate, hacking through stuff. At least pirates can ACTUALLY hack someone, I can't hack a fish... Well... All that was ... unpleasant. The strygian told us she would go home, and then come back. We convinced her to come back, I hoped. We told her about the... Apocalypse? Yeah. And she ... kind of... understood? I don't know. I'll find out more once I teach her Woranian.   She left, and we were now alone on the beach. Xebec and the ship had left to explore the area. I couldn't stand Nixie and Bart's looks of utter judgement, so I left. Well, probably it was not so bad as I thought, I was the one doing most of the judging... Anyway, I wanted to be away.   Bart came to me later in the night, as the ship returned. I was having my pleasant night bath in the sea, when he came. I felt so much better seeing him, but of course I couldn't tell him that. It really struck me then, is Bart only glad to have me as his girlfriend so he could feel proud of how much I like him and you know - the stuff Heron told everyone? I don't know how I could have such horrifyingly stupid thoughts. What's worse... I told him that. Well, he came to stay with me, I told him why I had run off, he told me he had been a little upset, but that he doesn't disdain me or think that I'm an extremist person. I'm sure he regrets, somewhere in his soul, that he chose to love me. He does, doesn't he? It's hard to say he doesn't... but not impossible, damnit! Can't I just accept that he does?   I guess some miracles are harder to believe than others.   But enough with my own fires. You know who was burning? Drenizek. He was burning away and coughing away and in such a poor shape... And I think Nixie really suffers very much because of it, even physically a little. I can see it in her eyes. She cares for him, she cares for the entire crew. Well, eh. Yea. Ish. I can't say much on this subject, but... I don't know, it's a very complicated set of things going on in this Drenizek area.   I wont' haggle much on the next morning. We basically got the medicine from those people (who respected their end of the bargain - an underappreciated moment, in my opinion, these people still cling to their word). Not before facing the prospect of not seeing Xi return and of them asking where she is. Thankfully, Drenizek stalled them with a brilliant "thank you" speech (I swear, I think Drenizek might be even more resourceful than Bart, in a way). Translated into Elvish by our own Pedantic-Pullius. Oh yea, the people spoke Elvish.   We left, and were met by a strange occurence. Xi had been to her kin, surely. And her kin decided to help us for saving Xi and getting her sword back. A huge marine current was created beneath our ship, basically slinging it across the water. We could see strygians emerging from the seas on some nearby rocks, getting their goodbyes from Xi. The last was a kind of... priest? I think. Dressed in some flax-like material, white with red stripes, and a gold ornament around his only eye. He bowed his head to Xi, and Xi did the same. I think that strygian was her father? Hm. I'll found out once I teach her common.   Bart prepared the potion, and poor Drenizek got to drink an entire cocktail of syrups, potions and teas. A far cry from his alcohol-sipping days. He looked very angered that we had done all that effort to obtain the plants for the potion, but I'm sure he was secretly very touched. Oh... Fine. I know he was. We had a talk, later that day. He no longer had such a high fever, and could talk more coherently. And move. Although he was still coughing a lot of blood. He told me he needed more writing lessons. He told me what he wanted written down.   Basically he wanted to write down the names of all people in the crew. And something more. When I heard what he wanted to do.... I barely contained myself.... This sweet man wanted to write their names next to a Sea-approved smiley face.... And my heart melted (and I'm not phased by a lot of things, as you well know). Drenizek couldn't just die without telling us how much he cares for all of us... I understood it, then... He wanted to leave. He couldn't stay. He couldn't stay and die there, in the sight of everyone. If he had left... No one could know he had died. There could always be a glimmer of hope that he would survive.... He know that hope didn't exist. But... somehow, I think Drenizek always has a glimmer of hope, he just knows it's only hurting him more. I don't know. He wants to leave, yes, for us, so we would not mourn his death. He didn't stop thinking about what's best for us, even as he was literally burning away on our ship.   But the last thing he wanted to write hit me hard. His note to Nixie. It was basically a note saying "Nixie" and a heart, instead of a smiley face, and then a follow-up saying "The more I got to know you, the more wonderful you revealed yourself to be. I am sorry, it is best that I go". I wanted to tell him not to go... but truth be told... I don't know, I kind of lost all hope for him too, for a while.   Can something so.... I don't know what to say. But I never doubted Drenizek's strength of feeling. I was now reinforced in my appreciation. In face of this.... all my problems fade. In face of this... all else feels pathetic and small.   Who could have known, back then in Alomir, that the young drunk stick-wearing lad could have such a huge soul?   The next day, he did it. He announced he would leave, and tried to get on a small boat. The rest tried to stop him. I knew he wouldn't budge. Not a man in his position. Check the quote, dear journal. I don't think Drenizek heard about Aedyra, but he did know her truth: we are so so alone, not just at the end. But especially at the end. And all the rest are illusions and illusory gains you can so easily loose. Or....   When Nixie told him that she would never forgive him if he left, Drenizek did something unexpected (to me): he cracked. He gave up and started crying. The poor, stupid man didn't want that. He had tried to tell us all kinds of mean things just to make us let him go... But faced with Nixie, even if it was just for a moment, even if he believed he would die anyway... He couldn't. From crying, he went straight into a faint. Nixie carried him back to bed in the captain's quarters, and then they all found their respective notes, hidden around the ship since yesterday.   Maybe Aedyra is wrong. She was a lonely Nutcase-woman anyway.   You know what? I'll change the quote of this journal to something much, much better, from a person I respect a lot more.   "Do Marshlanders lay eggs?" Drenizek   :)

"The paths we all tread are for us alone. But who says we can't wander off to someone else's path every once in a while?" - Nelis Karmyn, in Fifteen miles away from Weldyn.   Dear journal,   We are travelling full speed through new lands. I've never felt this excited before. The Place where it all Began gave me incredible energy. And Bart here... too. Eh. You know me, dear journal, always incapable of expressing any of my feelings.   There is much to tell. More than a week has passed since our beloved Sea left us and went back home to Ftheis. I still miss her dearly. I have this reflex, every time I go to sleep, I tilt my head to the right and smile. She usually stayed on the right side of the bed, beside me. And she would always turn her little head towards me and I could feel her smile back at me. I still feel that smile, whenever I do it now. It warms my heart to know she's happy. I am happy. I just miss her a lot. It's not the same to not have her here. To not see her little mask and her little hands and her beautiful being. She was my greatest inspiration.   I always think Bart is far wiser than I ever was, maybe Sea tried to wise me up in time to not make a fool of myself. I think it's too late for that, but somehow Bart still....   Loves me.   Yes, he said that when we were in the Place where it all Began, on those far and wide meadows. We spent the night bathing in the sea, and the water was so warm and pleasant, and the waves were small and playful and we could easily swim away, we went all the way to the edge of the cliffs and found a nice polished rock under the water where we could sit, with water only up to our shoulders. I was in this awestriking place, filled with such life and beauty and purity, and I felt that... Well, I felt my feelings like I was feeling the water and the smooth rock, it was tingling me and filling me up with this huge simple happiness to be and to be lost in Bart and to be together, like those Lights were when. Well, we were one and I felt that I really really... loved him.   I don't know how it can be so fast and strong and true, I couldn't doubt it, but I was ashamed. We went back on the grass, naked as we were, alone in nature, everything untouched, we were simple guests in that paradise, and we didn't intrude with any element of our world. The earth and grass were like blankets, and I could feel no cold and no sensation of coarseness. I climbed on his chest and we went to sleep, but both of us stayed awake. I kept thinking about what I had felt and was still feeling. I had spent the most incredible, hard and... well... the fullest part of my life with Bart, even if, time-wise, it was a short while. That short while was so intense... And I got to know him, and to see him in all these different lights, and to be around him in this evening in a place where all parasites flee and only the strongest, purest feelings we have in our hearts can remain. If you listen to them. And I listened, but couldn't say a word. I am mad-Eve, Nutcase woman and all. Bart likes me, but I'm only his cute poppy, not really something that great, or that pure.   But he said he loved me... I was as cowardly as a mouse and hid behind his right hand and kept my mouth shut, then I panicked, he'll think I don't love him, then he said "you don't have to say anything" Oh no he thinks I have nothing to say I panicked even more. Well, in the end I told him to look at me and see what I feel. He did see it! My eyes can't lie, but I felt relieved. I was too much of a coward to utter any words. At least my eyes are not cowardly.   I'm sorry, dear journal, I skipped some bits while ... Now that I read this, I'm sure people will call it "cheesy". Let them. I love Bart. There you go. Don't believe me? Too bad. I'm gonna make sure you see it.   So so going back to things that won't make my blood burst through my cheeks, we got to decide what to do next. All the information we now had... it had to be used. We settled on going on a mad journey through the west, believing that the Syomalos and the Great Southern Sea were connected via this Sunset Sea that Talion knew of from his old party. There, in a place called the Bronze Coast, lies Enneth, an Elvish town of great beauty, it seems. A last remnant of the ancientmost elvish lands. Before the nightgaunts of Fordel. I read very little about Fordel and the nightgaunts, but I remember being taught by mage Lymah (who as you remember also taught me Elvish) that the Elves fled from their initial homes, driven by a terrible curse. Well, it seems that not all the Elves left. A couple stayed behind.   I imagine they are wise and strong, and could help us see things better and maybe join us in fighting Evil. You see, dear journal, we decided that our rallying call would be a Fight to save our Souls, our world as it is, which allows us to go back to the Almighty. For our enemy must want to ruin this chance, this occasion, and have us all imprisoned so that it could feed off us. Good luck, demons. I'm gonna punch you in the face until I have no strength left to do so.   Well, we were going to go to Enneth, and maybe other lands, Sten, Vedia, others, all the way to Vaneolin and the Continent of Elements. I felt sad for Verfy and Nixie, whose home is far away, in the middle of a war. They know not of its outcome. Maybe the war was won by this Ghebaro, the "soldier-king" who fought against Xantinya... or maybe the reverse applies. I remember Heron suggested the latter outcome, in a very tactless manner. I was very angry at him. Can't he read the room? Or can he only read our.... ughog. Nevermind, dear journal, I need a break   * * *   Coming back, Naked-Heron had a naked remark so we had to calm the girls down. I couldn't really lie to them. I have no idea if Xantinya was defeated or not. They wanted to rush back home. I understand that. I really do, even if I don't feel the same about Ionolia now, maybe if I knew there was this huge war and that Ionolia could be lost... Well, I know that a war is coming. And not just Ionolia, but all lands are in peril.   Now, with this new road, we could go to the Continent too. I initially wanted to go back east, whence we came (it sounded safer and a lot lot faster, we could reach Vormiol and talk to Yanis who has all the power). But Nixie is right with this new road. Well, not because it would be safer (it sure didn't sound that way). But because it has more meaning. We were going to visit old Elves and humans, we were going to go through the places where we all started. The Blessed Peoples lived here, the Elves lived here, and some still do. And we were going to help the Elves, these noble creatures who lost hope and live in sadness. I know that the Elves are too old, perhaps, and feel that their star has fallen, but I think they are the wisest of us and could guide us in what is going to be a very hard war. A war against enemies like undead, but also a war against demons. And, most of all, a war against our own weakness and sins.   Nixie was rather dissatisfied with our overall plan to save the world. She felt we had no real target or idea. Verfy and I jumped in on an idea of an offensive. For example, to the tower Talion Pullius told us about. In Haj et Laon. But then she was terrified of THIS idea as well, saying we were sending men to die. I don't really understand what Nixie wants us to do. Do nothing, or do something? Well, something, but she wants a perfect solution I guess. Like Verfy a while ago. I understand that. I really do. But that doesn't mean we should question our chances.   I told Nixie we had to trust we could do more. I gave the example of Illien's book, written to a "Better man". Any of his readers could be Better Men. He didn't know, but he believed, so whoever could be better would listen and just be better. We are small, but we don't know what part we can play yet. Like NIxie's stage allegory. Maybe our roles are small, but one second of improvising and we capture the whole scene. Or, maybe not. But whatever little think we do sets something bigger into motion, and someone else does something. Or, rather, our small actions start other small actions and soon everybody goes to this fight knowing of our purpose and of our enemy and we stop this enemy from winning.   The surest way is to attack first. I am sure the necromancers will be part of Xantinya's plan. We should destroy them. A new, better Ael Velle, perhaps? Nah. This is much bigger. And it should include more than just men.   I liked Heron's idea that the Orcs may be part of this. Maybe the Orcs are crude, but I don't believe in inherently evil creatures. Even the Demons were Angels, once. And evil isnt' a "something" like Dualists believe. It's the lack of a "Something". So evil can be conquered. Good has to be destroyed, and since the epitome of Good is God (indestructible, immortal and All-powerful), Good can never really die.   Neither can Evil, mind you, because of our free will. But here at least we can fight, and try to keep it at bay. I wish Nixie had more faith. I wonder what she thought of my letter. I mean I'm sure she read it, but she never alluded to it in any way....   So, west it is. Most of us agreed on that way, even our new recruit Marv. In the morning, we got to tell the crew. They were rather surprinsingly all right with this decision. They must hate the Desolation. Marc almost wanted to kiss Nixie when he heard. Hah, I get him. Even Dillen agreed. He's usually more skeptic, but I think that these people no longer care that much about coming home so quickly. They have been through a lot and I think that, maybe just a little, but they feel stronger, and more daring. They are already too daring for their own good, I must say. I mean, they match me, and I'm the maddest girl in Ionolia. Not that it counts for much, I know, Ionolia is a peaceful and rather predictable land. Well. Maddest girl on the Syomalos, maybe? Hah. At least that.   Our travel started off well. We had good winds, and good spirits. I sew a Mask on my last white sheet and created our new flag, which I gave to Gerki to rise above the main mast. Even this angry Fastodan was a little touched. I felt that in his eyes, hah. No one left the Sapphire Fountain the same man, I'm sure. I'm proud of us, truth be told.   We left the Sapphire Fountain and ventured into the open sea. This was no Syomalos. There was wind, strong, permanent wind, and the waves were larger and rarer. I asked Xebec and it seems there's a strong eastward current, but the winds were blowing south for now, aiding us on our journey. You see, our gamble was that this sea was connected to the Sunset Sea. So we were going straight southwest. I was very curious to see what we would encounter on our way. No one new. Not even our map. I wanted to tend to my Bart's stab wounds, but what do you know, the sea and earth at the Place where it All Began really helped, his wounds were already closing. I touched him when he didn't look, and tried my little magic on him once again. I don't want him to know I'm taking care of him like that, he'll think I'm too mushy. I'm not mushy! I'm Nutcase-Eve!   Verfy came to me to talk. She asked me if I wanted her to move back in with me. I apologised to her about that silliness from the last training, when I left like a stupid mop. She apologised too for .. I don't know, really, she's so nice to me... Anyway, it would have been very nice to have her stay with me, but I kept thinking about how I wanted to be with Bart and.... And our perceptive-brainy-warrior got it, damnit. I was very ashamed. Bart came too and Verfy told him to stay with me and Bart agreed and I had to agree too but ugh I usually go for what I want but Verfy really intimidates me, because she's so nice and I don't want to hurt her in any way. I really want to stay with Bart because well all the above... don't make me repeat.   Ugh, fine. Because I love him and he loves me. Isn't it normal? I don't know who I'm arguing with...   Then, something happened which will forever haunt my dreams. Naked Heron (he was dressed though) saw us and looked at me. And well I was just in the process of thinking about Bart and me in the same room for good and I was very enthusiastic because Verfys was very cute and approving of us and now I started making plans on how to make Bart feel how I loved him and.... GET OUT OF MY MIND YOU PERVERT GET OUT! He was looking at me!!!! No! No!   Then Nixie came to him. No. No. Nixie please, I wanted to jump and stop her, beg her. I felt what was gonna happen. They started talking, then I saw them come. The others were around, too, and Heron started speaking his mind about what he felt from all of us. Why!? Why!? It seems Nixie asked him about us. WHY1?!!?!? WHY!?!?! JUST WHY!?!? Nixie I will never forgive you! I swear to God I will make you pay for this....   He started by telling us how Nixie was very curious about Xebec's thoughts, and Dillen's, and Drenizek's etc. What curiosities for our captain! Maybe she should keep those curiosities to herself instead of detonating the sexy-sense-bomb called Heron. Well, Heron was not one to back off from colorful, insightful dives into our minds, so he continued. He got to Verfy and apparently Verfy was imagining some kind of combination of unclean actions between her, Nixie and Xebec (I felt all my purpose flee, and I sensed how God would smite us every moment now). And then he turned to Bart and it seems my Bart was thinking about that night in the water of the Sapphire Fountain, when we indeed had been very... restless. Oh, no. He turned to me. No. I panicked, but I couldn't stop him, we told him he could do this! Who told him that? I remember saying NO! Why? He started speaking about MY thoughts! I couldn't help them now, they were all over my mind because of the well context I mean they bombarded me because I was panicked and he told them all, I felt like a silly dirty horrible whore and some kind of monster. Pervert-Eve they will call me now.   In lack of a better idea, I jumped into the water. I came back eventually, and when Heron left Bart and I could finally kiss again. I must say it felt nice thinking that Bart was thinking about me that way, I mean, he loves all of me :)   I realised I shouldn't care so much at this point, now that people know about pervert-Eve. But it's easier said than done.   Aside from this horrible moment, we had good days. I kept teaching Bart Gavan, while I was also trying to find that perfect rune for my little surprise. You see, Bart's birthday was coming, and I needed to find something just right. I was reading about protective runes, and also from Illien's book, and thought of a mechanism. 100% Eve-design, which would express what I couldn't really tell Bart at the Fountain. I am so silly. I have to speak to him through runes!   Bart is really getting good at Gavan. We can now have whole conversations. So fast... He'll eclipse me soon. Hahah. My smart Bart.   But the quiet days would end soon. We woke up to a gloomy sky and winds, which quickly evolved into rain. Then, into storm. The waves got bigger and bigger and bigger. At some point, they started to resemble mountains, rather than waves. I had heard about the tales of the southern pirates, on the waters south of the islands. The great open Southern Sea. But this was worse, far worse, dear journal. Waves as tall as the cliffs of the Fountain would hit us, throw us in the air, from where we would come crashing down into these huge chasms between the waves. The rain was like millions of whips, and the noise of waves splatting and the howling of the sea and the roaring of thunder was deafening. The boat was all over the place.   Amidst this watery hell, Xebec stood tall at his post at the helm and kept shouting swear words at us. At one point I saw Nixie cling to his leg like clinging to hear dear life. I was to help some of the crew clear out the water from below deck. We had a leak and Bart went in with Vadrek to fix it, but each time we "rode" a wave the crack kept getting bigger. To make matters worse, Xebec decided to go full suicidal on us and snuck us beneath a gigantic wave whose top was falling down on us like a continuous hammer of black water. We rode beneath the wave, and the madman kept laughing. God, what a man! I can understand why he's Verfy's type.   I had to help, but I don't remember clinging to my role. I was wandering around the boat. Xebec called me at some point, telling me "Move it pinchy coward! Help them!" but I couldn't really understand because my head hurt. The wave pushed me to the side of the ship ( think the right side?) And I just threw up. I remember falling like the paper-girl I am. Defeated by water. Shame.   After the storm, I had to find the last remaining shred of my dignity, probably scattered on that ship or with my vomit. Well, I couldn't find it, so I admitted my defeat. Xebec smirked at me. I know he tried to mobilize me with his "coward" remark, he must know how I hate cowardice. But I wasn't in the mood to answer that.   The days following the storm were very, very calm. The sea was now quite nice. Little wind, but no problems, we were moving constantly. We had been pushed back north, probably, Bart told us, and now we were going west. In the meanwhile, we got to do another one of those you know training helping whatever sessions, where we share feelings and thoughts because that's what normal, good human beings do, Eve! That day's session was going to be about what we had learned.   I told them something about how these sessions are a little torture for me, and Bart squeezed my hand and I told him it hurt and he said "Do you like it?" And Pervert-Eve said hm maybe but Trying-to-be-a-normal-human-around-normal-humans-Eve said CARE FOR HERON and OH NO HE MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME AND HE SAW RIGHT THROUGH no!   Nixie, I hate you! Also, no rope is missing, I don't know what you're talking about.   So, we all got to talk about what we learnt. Heron said he doesn't know yet, he has to think about it. Verfy said she felt a fire within her, an energy to do something, to fight, to protect. I felt likewise. My warrior-apple Verfy will smack some undead skulls, I'm sure. She's got a renewed strength and that's good. I feel she's less confused than before. She's a tough soul, but also a soul still searching a strong equilibrium point. Just because she's more decisive than Nixie doesn't mean she doesn't have the same doubts. That applies to me as well.   Nixie was pessimistic. She felt anxiety, more than anything. We again discussed about our purpose, our chances. We can't start with the negative, with the "no" with "stop this", "kill that". I had told her that defeating Xantinya was a purpose, but not the main one. We shouldn't be afraid that she's a demon. We should be wary, yes, but not discouraged. I think Xantinya wants us to be afraid. I can't really understand demons all that well, but I'm sure she'll want to scare everyone into thinking she's undefeatable. I don't believe it. Some way exists. We have to find it. And believe it. Maybe it's as simple as believing it. And having the heart to stop her.   Hm.   There was something else bothering Nixie. Our party-boy Drenizek had been coughing a lot lately. It seems he was also coughing up blood. Vas the ship medic told us he was alright, but in the meanwhile his condition was worsening. I'm not sure what Nixie really thinks of Drenizek, but she seems fond of him. He is the kind of guy that still makes me wonder. I think I can say a few certain words about everyone on this ship. But not about Drenizek. He's still undeciphered. It looks like King's touch - that's how Woranians call it - or consumption... I sure hoped not. I have no knowledge of disease, but I remember visiting a hospital in Marion. Those affected by consumption were catered for by priests. There was no cure for that.   Other than the touch of a king, they say. Well, the days of healer-kings are gone. I don't know. It made me sad. I again hoped it was something less... deadly.   * * *   As we were progressing back south, we were finally met with land. Land! Was it the shores of doomed Du-Ul, or some other realm from the edge of the world? Gerki shouted that there were white cliffs, on fire. Cliffs on fire? That had to be wrong. As we went closer, we saw the phenomenon ourselves. The cliffs were white-yellow, with some inflexions of a mineral which reflected sunlight from both the sun and from the sun reflected by water, creating distorted, imperfect mirrors that shone almost like flames dancing on rocks. It was mesmerizing. What lands exist in this world, and how privileged we are to see them....   I wrote a poem that day, for Bart. His birthday was up, and I had been working on this small lyrical disaster. I always dreamt of writing an epic, I hate poetry, it's for pansies. But I wanted to express something to Bart, in a way he would understand, but not in a way that would take 1000 pages and be about some boring allegory. I can't write anything, it seems. The poem was cheesy and cringe and nauseating. I threw it in the fire and watched it burn.   Now I had no poem. Sad-Eve. Had to make do. I prepared something else. A rune on a plank, that would create the most beautiful fireworks in the world, if Nixie would help me with some fire.   I talked to Nixie and Verfy about making a party for Bart. We organised ourselves quickly. I was to help Laimon make a fish-cake with the fresh fish we were catching from those shores, and I would use colors from Vas' arsenal to split the cake in five sections, one for each of us. We would each leave a nice mark on the cake. I chose the Sylph's circle. I hope Bart understands why. Home, near Ftheis. He is my home now. He is my home.   It was a beautiful party, for the most part.... it's complicated. First of all, it was afternoon, and I presented Bart my rune-gifts... He liked them! My little gauntlets. I was so silly and shy. I think he never saw me that way before. I felt like a little silly girl. How could he love and respect me if I was like that!? I told him I loved him. I had to. I had to say the words to his face, to his eyes. He was so happy. I couldn't help feeling the happiest either. I once again used my third vial and decided to show him I'm no pansy girl. HERON GET OUT OF MY THOUGHTS THESE ARE MINE AND MINE ALONE!   That evening, the party was ready. It was full of games and fun. We even had a dancing contest. God, I'm bad at dancing! In fact, I'm an outright disaster at dancing. Bumbling-legs-Eve they should call me. Ruined my poor Bart's efforts to win, but I liked dancing him much more than I hated my lack of talent.   You see, dear journal, it was a near-perfect day, save for one thing. We found Drenizek lying on the floor inside the mess hall, near a small pool of blood. He was indeed very sick. That was clearly the dreaded consumption. I didn't want to say anything, but... Drenizek almost ordered us to go back and have fun. The poor guy just wants us to be fine and happy. He hadn't sung in a while now. He had no voice to do so. He was coughing all the time.   He did take a break, with Nixie at his side. He returned later and joined the games as if nothing happened. I'm sure others saw it as well. He's weaker. He's paler. He moves a lot less (he used to climb around the ship like a monkey). I don't know what to do. He's a good man, he doesn't deserve all this pain...   Today I feel all these feelings combined. I am hopeful, though. I was never this hopeful. I thank Bart, and I thank Sea, who watches over us. I'm sure she carries our prayers to Ftheis, and puts her own sweet prayer in as well. Sweet Sea, I hope I am worthy of your many lessons.   * * * a b c d e ddd n n ni xi e   * *   Sorry, journal, Drenizek wanted to exercise some words. He seems he wants to write something. He told me it's just something short. Whatever is wrong with him, it's more than the disease. He seems lost. He kept saying he doesn't want anyone to find out he wants to learn how to write. He only wants to learn how to write a couple of words. I'll try to help.

"Sene thei Ftheis nel Nerthi" - the Elves upon seeing their world for the first time   Dear journal,   I am writing to you in the most beautiful place the world had to offer us. I feel so very tired, sad, happy, relieved and worried, all in the same time. Somehow, still, these feelings are mellowed out here, calmed down by hope and a realisation of what lies within and around us, beyond the sorrows and hardships that the world throws at us. It's hard to explain, so I'll come back to it later, when I write about this place.   To start from where we picked off, we had a party on our total-drama-ship (which now has less drama, with Axiol gone). It was due time for some kind of entertainment, after all these fights and all this tension. We had to make do without alcohol or any party-specific treats - gruel and dried meat, again, but then again, the food tastes better in good company, right?   Our drama-filled little ship was actually quite nice. I don't usually like parties, lots of people clapping around and talking about the least important and interesting things the human mind can imagine, drinking and eating too much, for no reason, and pretending they like each other just to feel safer with their own misery and mediocrity... Heh, I am an evil one.   I probably hate them more because of that wretched year, when I was alone, had to feel like part of something, went to these events and saw everybody sniggering at me. I talked to people, left and then sensed how they'd raise the subject of Whore-Eve.   Had fun ruining their little games, though.   Anyway, these days are long gone. Here on the ship, the party was enjoyable. Drenizek kept us entertained with his thousand voices. Bart wouldn't sing, you see, Bart wanted to dance with me and had no time for any shows. That was sweet of him. You know what was sweeter? He got me some strange, but very tasty cookies he told Laimon/Isbel to make, the very next day. They were so much better than any fancy-cake I ever ate! Somehow on this boat they could conjure up such a nice treat... And the little bard thought of his paper-girl and made sure she had something sweet to savor, in the middle of that wretched Desolation... I don't deserve him, I swear. I probably look redder than the Fastodan flag right now, I surely was back then.   Do you know, dear journal, that behind every woman is a little girl, and if you make that little girl happy, you'll make the woman ten times happier. Well, Bart did that. And these cookies are exactly what the Sylph wanted too, she loves cookies. Smart boy, not just sweet. I have to say, I'm starting to suspect he's some kind of monster in disguise, I mean, can he be SO nice? I'm almost scared. What did I do to earn that? What? Teach him to swim? Teach him Gavan? No. None of it. I'm not even that interesting. I have my quips and my smart-girl-talk which really isn't much, it's just books speaking through my mouth, any good "magic-man" can find a spell that lets books speak to people. So, useless-Eve barely is worth a dime. Well, these cookies in the Desolation were like gold ingots.   Going back to the party, we danced a lot to Drenizek's music. The lad was quite astonishingly using one hand to sing and one to spin Nix captain Nixie around. I wasn't all that good, again. Bart is an expert. I wish I could dance better. All those parties wasted.... Eve, you Nut. You could have used them to actually get ONE skill people need in their lives.   As we were dancing I did notice Verfys and Xebec in a corner of the ship, getting very close to each other, indeed. Hah. I thought I saw something before. It makes sense. I'm glad people are happy, especially since Verfys really needs this. I can't help but think she feels a little alone and helpless sometimes. She wants to protect everyone and everything and, well, it never works out that way. I still don't know what to think of Xebec, but they do look good together.   I might have been naughty in my innuendos after that. Uf.   The party was lively enough. We had an event where almost everyone tried to hit an apple on Pullius' head. Vadred threw his whole battleaxe and actually managed to split the apple in half without breaking a hair on Talion's head. Nice. After that, many in the crew started playing cards, captain Nixie beat them all though, much to their frustration. Drenizek paid the pot with his... heart, of all things, shouting that it was the most precious of all offerings on that table. I couldn't argue with that. Still, I kind of have this impression Drenizek cheated. He had given his heart by the time he had that fiery speech when we elected the captain. Cheeky Alomirese.   The party was a truly fair event, I think even Isbel got to be a little more lax. But I can still see her eyes twitching everytime she sees Talion. I don't trust that girl, not that she's untrustworthy, it's exactly because she looks like the kind of person that would follow through on a promise, especially on a promise made to herself. I hope Talion has the wisdom to solve the situation himself.   The next days would go on quite normally. Gavan, old Elvish, runes, kissing Bart, eating, talking about the small stuff.... I got to listen to Bart sing again, he's really getting somewhere. I will try to help him. He's been nice to me while I stay here boring-Eve-like and do boring-Eve stuff. At least lemme turn that around. I can help his singing. If only I could get a book on orbs and an emerald.... But putting that aside, I can still help him with runes. I don't think I can carve them on his lyre, though. Why do all my ideas require too much? Why can't I find simple things, like Bart does?   On the morning of the 23rd, Nixie told us something about some clouds gathering to the east, in an unnatural manner. Truth be told, to me the sky seemed all too normal, but I believed in Nixie's instincts. She has an intimate link with nature, and with the wind (by the way, now I understand why!). I was a little worried, but we had no time to haggle on negative thoughts. Come what may, we had to bring the Sylph home.   The very same day, we saw a massive wall of stone rise up in front of us. There was still mist from the Desolation, especially to the right (what's the nautical term for "right part of the ship"? Starboard? something...), towards the shore we had been following. But these cliffs were less foggy. They looked old. But it was almost like a wall, an irregular one, though, erosion having chewed through it in many places. Captain Nixie told us to follow the wall to the west, so we did. All things considered, it looked a lot like the strip of land which seemed to separate the Sapphire Fountain from the Syomalos. So.... amazingly.... we were there....?   I felt my body tremble. Could we actually be there? A lot to be expected. At some point, we saw a crack through the wall, a big crack, large enough for two of our ships to cross it abreast. But it was foggy inside, so we feared to go in (well, not me, but you know me, I'm an idiot). We decided to continue and find another way. We rested for the night. The next day, we did find a similar crack, and this time captain Nixie told us to go in. We had seen a seagull following us for a while, then disappear in the sky. There was life there, after so much Desolation, and everyone had high spirits. Could it be that we had left the Desolation behind us?   Finally. I was ready for whatever lay ahead. Sapphires? Nah. Obviously not. Only the Talionesque minds of literal-meaning-gulpers could believe the "Sapphire Fountain" was a sea with sapphires covering its bottom. That's the beauty. There must have been something much more amazing in there.   Still, our ship could not go further. We suddenly hit something. My first reaction was to suspect a rock, then to feel the cold chill of remembrance, because the last time we got stuck, it was a bad day. A very bad day. But the culprit was no rock or shipwreck. It was something else entirely. Almost completely invisible, a vertical veil blocked the road ahead through the fog and between the tall, jagged rocks. Drenizek, Bart and Talion took turns touching it, but there was no way to get past the veil, or pierce it. I told them not to force it. It did not seem wise. Hah, me, the voice of wisdom! Papa would be proud. I bet you, dear journal, that he thinks I'm dead in a ditch by this point. He loves me, but he always thought I'm too dangerous to both myself and everyone else around me. Woops.   Unsure what to do with the veil, we pondered on the implications, as Bart went beneath deck to tell the Sylph we were almost there. Poor Sylph had suffered a lot, but kept it hidden, mostly, from us. She made no noises and didn't even clench her tiny hand with her little fingers...... But I had felt her pain was intense these past few days.   I was left speechless when I saw Bart return with the Sylph right after him. My first reaction was to shout, but I held my tongue. I realised the Sylph wanted to come. She moved, just barely, with her one good foot, while clinging on to Bart. She really wanted this. Everyone on deck was amazed. Xebec was a little worried, I could see this, he really doesn't trust such appearances, hah. But that flimsy fool Dillen had to say his poison. He immediately remarked that we had kept "that creature" hidden from them. Everyone remembered the Sylph as their saviour when the Lady of the Sea attacked our ship. Now, Dillen just had to be a good-for-nothing. Now, when the Sylph went through hell just to come to them and help!!!   I wanted to slap him, but I was 10 to 15 years too late to do that. I just told him something, I think it was a good one, but can't remember it. No time for nonsense. I ran to the Sylph and tried to help her, asked her if she wants her little basket. She nodded a no, then continued. She got up on the bowsprit and somehow made it to its tip. She raised her half-hand (:() and it went through the magic veil. We were immediately nudged forward, as the ship could now move again.   Thankfully, not even Dillen could ruin this perfect moment. Only a slight cough from Drenizek, but I must say he looked more fascinated than all of us.   The ship moved forward into the mist, which quickly dissipated as we left the cliff wall behind. What was left for us to see... was paradise. The Sapphire Fountain. A sea of bright blue waters, calm and catching the sun in triangular crystals between its small waves. But it was not just light from above. Somehow, it was a light from below as well, an azure light which would clearly resemble a layer of sapphires. And all around us, hundreds of silver fish joining together in huge rows which, like a wave of life, jumped in unison above the waves. The fish gathered around our ship and started to pull it forwards, much to our astonishment. As if humans could endure such heights of astonishment already.   I have seen nothing but death around us for the past month. So, to see this after so much time of horror.... It was hard to take it all in. I think I can only really feel it today, tonight, well. I felt so amazingly happy then, now I feel even more. I hugged Bart and he hugged me. We just stood there by the ledger, looking at the beautiful color and at the myriad of fish and everything.   In the evening we had reached the northern end of the sea. The same kind of wall of cliffs awaited us. It seems to be all around this wonderful azure sea. Strange. This whole place felt otherworldly, different, superior. We decided to drop the anchor near the cliffs and wait for the next day to explore the region around. We had to find the home of our gorgeous Sylph.   I could barely sleep. I remember Bart came (as he does every night now) to kiss me on the forehead and tell me good night, and I kissed him back some 10000 times, I was frothing with excitement. The Sylph was happy too. I could feel she still had some pain, but greatly reduced. I was relieved, truly relieved.   The next day we found a crack in the northern wall and went through. What awaited us on the other side was a field of grass greener than green, with flowers whose perfume we could smell from leagues away, with bees and grasshoppers flying and jumping around in a symphony of life. And all of it was... it was like we had worn a veil all our lives, and we couldn't see anything properly, and now that veil had been removed. The Monument of Life was like that, but it was only an image, a shard of memory. What we saw was real. It was real, the grass we were walking on. Even the earth itself was beautiful.   I was carrying the Sylph in her little basket. She's so light, as light as the basket itself, really. I could see she was feeling happy. Very happy. She was a little different. She moved around in her basked, and tried to gaze at everything. At some point, I saw the crew drift back towards the water, they were trying to find sapphires... Hah. Well, they were amazed, too, by the land, but I think they couldn't fell the same things as us because we could feel them through the Sylph as well. And, well... It was, it truly felt like "The place where it all began". And, most importantly, the Sylph's home.   But she wanted us to go farther. So we did. We walked the soft, nourishing earth. No trees there, though, only some bushes and lots of flowers. We reached a point where the Sylph told us to stop. She went down from her basked and made one step - it was all she could with one foot. She then removed her little dark green hood and removed the mask we had made her. She turned to us and handed us the mask. I didn't know exactly what to expect, but... The Sylph was there, in front of us, we could see her head and her beautiful right eye, a glimmer of pure starlight. She was blackened, all dead but for her eye, and... well.... her poor little mouth, only half of it was left, but that half was a smile, and I don't think I saw something more beautiful than that. I felt no terror, I did feel some sadness, but mostly I was brought to tears by how pure and happy she seemed, in spite of everything. She was so alive, and she thanked us. I could feel how she wanted to hug us all.   We took the mask, unable to speak or act in any way. We saw her collapse to hug the earth itself. She was so happy, so at peace, I felt, so.... She was happy she was home, but also that we were, in a way, closer to home. I felt that. You know how I don't feel I have a home? Well, in those seconds, I think even now, hours later, I feel this is home. Well, maybe not the physical place, but what I had felt.   By the way, the quote is in Old Elvish and means, roughly, "From Ftheis our home but also within Him". It's a full circle of feeling, from Ftheis to the soul of the elf who uttered it, back to Ftheis. And that Circle was the circle the little Sylph drew... Can you imagine, dear journal, something more amazing that this? I can't. I knew nothing of the real sentiments that exists on this Earth. We can't get closer to the Almighty without them. Seeing them, feeling their existence, helps us get closer.   The Sylph was there, hugging the Earth, and we saw how specs of dust and earth spread by the wind formed the aura of a pair of beautiful wings on her back. We could hear a clear, pure and sweet voice murmur "Ftheis", and I knew it was the Sylph's voice, breaking through directly into our souls. Then, the wind scattered her.   She is gone, dear journal. Gone to Him. She was happy to come back. But not before giving us her mask. I...   Sorry, I smudged you with a few tears. I don't. I can't. I am bad at emotions. I don't get impressed to tears by most things, but she makes me cry. It's not even sadness any more, or not just that.... She was free, and she was happy to die and go to Him, I know... I will miss her more than I can ever say.   Is it even worth to write anything else, today, or on any day, for that matter? Well... I don't know, I can't leave out what the Sylph actually did to us. Not only did she make us feel more, make us learn how to be better, set an example none would hope to ever get close to, let alone surpass, get us to a land of wonder and beauty.... She gave us answers to questions we didn't even think to ask.   Well, not her. By the way, journal, her name is Sea. Seith is the old elvish word for creating bonds, links. A perfect name.... My dear Sea, I hope you can feel this. I love you very, very much. With all that is pure in my heart. Sorry, smudge again. Eve, focus! I have to honor her life, somehow, I have to be the sort of person that would be entitled to say "I met Sea, and she helped me." Right now, I am not deserving of this immense help.   So, she didn't answer our questions, but her kin did. You see, the Place where it All Began was inhabited by more elves like her. Sylphs, or, really, more than Sylphs. Elves that come from the one world that once existed. They were small, much smaller than the Sylph, only twice as big as a butterfly. With little beautiful wings, and such little and beautiful voices.... They saw us and came to us and thanked us for bringing Sea home.   They told us to talk to them, tell them what we needed, they were there to guide us like we guided the Sylph home. I couldn't really comprehend or speak any more. Much to my shame... I was just too overcome. I could see Nixie had her composure, at least, so she could translate what the Sylphs said. We went to a fountain and there the Sylphs showed us the story of how the world was created....   I can't possibly put ink to paper about such a story. It would do it no justice. All I can say is that I couldn't have imagined anything of the sort. Knowing what I know now.... I don't know if I feel better or worse. It is both beautiful and sad. It gives me hope, but also puts me on guard. I was most mesmerised, of all things, of that being that they called Aneith. Talion and Verfy and Nixie knew her by another, newer name: Xantinya. An angel that betrayed God and his angels and Good and everything. But did so in a way because of loyalty. Well, false loyalty if you ask me, but... Truth be told, I felt a little anguished seeing her story. I think that many would have done the same, maybe me too. God, is it that bad? Are we all that bad? You see, Xantinya had figured a different kind of home for her, I think, and it did not include God. That's the big sin. Not the betrayal. Well, the betrayal was the result. And Xantinya's fall was the consequence. If you don't want God in your life... well, then you get what you ask for. You punish yourself by doing this, I think.   Now, this Xantinya is bent on doing something to our world(s).   And, in all this, our beautiful Sea was... she had been tortured by a lich who ripped her wings and cursed half of her before she was saved and teleported to a different realm, those "Dimensions" Talion told us about. I now understand how horrible it must've been for Sea to sail around the Desolation whose curse was literally the source of her suffering and pain. Fortunately, she had no memory. God works in perfect ways. Truly, one can only marvel at all this.   I feel fulfilled, but also a little sad. I can't help it. I'll really miss her.   I am glad I could be with such great people around me, to feel and learn all this.   I want to tell Bart to go and have a nice long night bath in the sea of Sapphires. Just for once, I want to feel complication away, and return to simple, strong, huge feelings. Love, hope, faith, I need them, we all do. Sea gave us all this.   * * *   Dear Sea,   I know you're watching from Heaven above. Thank you. Thank you from all my heart. All my soul. I was not even half the soul I am now because of you, and I'm still far away from what I feel I must be, after seeing you. You must have been through so much pain and anguish, but you never let it stop you from helping us, from lifting us up. You were our little black angel, our most beautiful, wonderful protector, stronger than all the powers of men combined, wiser than sixteen councils and so kind.... so kind... I don't even know what more to say. Maybe there isn't more to say, the "more" is in what I had just said. All of this, I feel it stronger than anything.   I know you will watch over us, little beauty, you will always be kind to us. I pray I will be worth such love.   I will miss you very much.

"Seek an enemy hard enough, and you'll find him a friend. The reverse also applies" - Kretos Mapsyion, in his On the Rules of Law and Politics   Dear journal,   I haven't written here in a while. I was saving it for something more, but in the end a lot of smaller things gathered, I think. Well, I am in a good mood, we all are, so yes, why not write a little?   I've been very busy, you see.   Last I told you, we were having this talk with Talion and Heron. Ugh. I remember leaving. My head hurt and I couldn't endure any more of that "I wasn't what you needed back then" nonsense. I usually just start shouting at people and yell them whatever annoys me. And I had a lot to say. But... I was both tired and... I don't know. I can't really put even more on Talion right now. No matter how much I'd like to shout at him, I feel like at least half of those shouts would turn back on me. I feel guilty, of nothing in particular, just in general. Plus, he has his own fight to fight with the demon friend. If only he did it...   Well, they talked, and I slept. I got the better of that deal... The next day, we noticed Talion sleeping through quite a lot. And he was feeling tired even afterwards. Once again he was hesitant to tell us anything of whatever happened. I had a bad feeling about it all, but there you go. Talion being Talion. Pullius, sorry. I keep forgetting.   Truth is, there's a lot of times when I wish I had far less drama in life. But, again, there you go. Drama-Eve, hehe.   I have to add something. I felt a little... weak? No. I don't really know a word for "alone, but not really alone, just a little bit outside, and wanting to go inside". Something like that. We had escaped that nightmare day on the 13th, and we had the vote the day after that, and everyone was still reeling in from such tension and war. The mood was still gloomy and tense. We were somewhere in the middle of the sea, barely knowing, really, were we were, waiting for the worst and assuming worse still. But I couldn't think of that anymore. Sometimes I amaze myself with my own egocentrism. Truly a case for the mages of Ionolia to study.   Well, dear journal, you don't know me for a pretty little elegant damsel, or a patient girl. If I want, I get. So I went to Bart, and when he saw me with his pretty little face and bright eyes, I stopped dead. I honestly think he's much, much nicer than me. I think I had a few words, but they were gone. What was I to say? Hey, I know we're stuck in the middle of death and a lot of us died and we're in chaos and all that, care to kiss me and love me and have me and....   Yea, I didn't really use a lot of words. Good thing the fool actually likes me. I am the luckiest drama-girl egotistical monster ever. Hm. About that, usually I look like this little thing that you may characterize like "cute" or "mean" or "sweet" or "prick", heh. I mean, you know, either good or bad, but diminutive. Nothing too big. And in all books I read these big love things were about big words and feelings, you know. Beauty, passion and the rest. I don't really think I inspire these words. I don't know how Bart sees me in these moments. I mean, I think I'm pretty enough, but that's just a diminutive. Again. And he's younger than me, he's only 18 after all, so maybe that helps him see me a little bit more of a woman than I really am, don't know if I'm making sense here. I can't shake this feeling that I can't inspire much more. And I know I have this thought in the back of my mind whenever we are in bed together. I try to compensate. I don't know..   Go back to more maiden thoughts, you whore!   So we were again having a nice day with no winds (not unusual, just.. unnerving) and we tried to talk with Naked-Heron about his naked adventures. Well, after that I was... held up with the thing I mentioned above... so when the boat became unusually silent I realised something had happened and I told Bart. We got dressed as fast as we could and went to see what was going on. It seems we had found a Marshlander in our storage room, the one beneath the corridor. Strangely enough.... the marshlander had teleported there, using a magic ring. I didn't get his name at first. I tried to sound natural (I was there the whole time, right? Right?) but I think Verfi saw through Bart and I. Woops. Perceptive-brainy-too-much. Well, still, we got to meet the Marshlander. Marv is his name, a Lasmai Marshlander, so a lizard type. He's nice enough, very quiet and polite, I must say. I like him. It seems he's an old friend of Damaschini's, he also knew some of the others in Talion's old party. He had come there in search of Damaschini's boat, after talking to the guy named Mazog in Alomir (the one Talion didn't even visit...).   I must say I'm not sure about the whole thing. Marv seems like an honest enough guy, that's not the problem. But how did he teleport there? The ring looked... strange. Like a stone altered by some exterior will, to a great extent. Almost distorted. I wish I could understand magic stones more. I'm not a true scholar. Spending too much time on drama and too little on actual reading, Eve...   We then got to present Marv with the situation: we were stranded in the middle of the sea, near the Desolation. Yey. He didn't seem too pleased, but it's not like he could teleport back. That ring was a one-off. It felt a little bit amusing. He came to help us, in search for a cause, perhaps. I hope he'll find one, with us. He seems to have something to hide as well. God, why do we all have this?   You know Heron, right? Oh yes, Naked-Heron. I got to talk to him about his... problem. I was very open about it. I knew Heron for a good guy, so I treated him as such and ignored the.... mix of feelings I got from him that horrible day. I usually am more outspoken, but I limited myself to telling him how creeped out we were and how he should do something about it. He told me he can't really do that, he was born with an unusual propensity for feeling and getting filled with... lust. Some kind of special sense, which both cursed him with being perpetually stuck with very lustful thoughts and intentions, and (in a sick way) "blessed" with the ability of understanding the lust felt by others, by reading them. His special "profficiency" might be even worse, for he said he needs this like some sort of nutrition.   I told him not to assume he's the embodiment of lust, like he suggested. We are not embodiments of anything. People are complex things, after all. Even Eve is Nutcase-Eve, Drama-Eve, Whore-Eve, little poppy-Eve, paper-girl Eve etc. Maybe even Mediator-Eve, it seems, because I got to tell the others how Heron was feeling. He did feel a lot of shame explaining all this. I get him. He's a good man, again. I knew it. I felt it. It was saddening to me to see him like this. He is afraid we will treat him like some kind of monster. I get that he doesn't want it. So we shouldn't. I know it's hard, but I get that it's hard for him not to think things.   I had this very Eve-like idea of showing his trust in which I'd just strip naked in front of him, but I thought of what Bart might think and didn't do it. Would have been interesting to see what he would've done, but I do weirdly trust him at this point. Again, I'm mad.   He did come by later to tell all of us about his problem. We found this solution where we would tell him to tell us his thoughts, so that shame would bar him from thinking again, if nothing else. And this way he could "discharge" his thoughts in a safe manner.   We talked more about Talion and his dream, it seems he had a dream, about... ugh. We started talking a lot about all these problems, and I felt that everybody was frustrated. Verfys especially, who said we spent too much time talking and too little time finding actual solutions. As if I could tell Talion "eat this plant, get better!". What can I do!? Beat the demon out of him? Do the same to Heron? The world isn't full of simple solutions! I couldn't stand this impatience. You think I like these together trainings, dear journal? No, I don't! I live with myself most of the time, so to me it's not a pleasant thing. Plus, I have the diplomatic skill of king Haldric the Second when it comes to dealing with the smaller nobility (too soon?), so yes... Anyway, I said fine, lemme go and do something productive, and I went to read about runes.   I wasn't too productive, I was so annoyed. I can't stand feeling useless. And I can't stand being part of something perceived as useless, especially when I hate that something anyways, but do it for the sake of others (of all of us, really). Bart, always the sweet, came after me, but I wouldn't go. He doesn't understand I don't change my mind? I got annoyed at him too. I was Sourgrape-Eve and Sourgrape-Eve wanted to read her useless runes. (God, why have you made me such a monstrous mop?). Verfys came back later to tell me Nixie called us all in.   I had to obey the captain's orders. It seems that Nixie had something to share about Laimon. Remember the secretly girl cook? Well, I thought she was an Alomirese princess. I was close. She is Isbel Lofkia, daughter of the former king, and she's on this ship probably to exact revenge on Pullius. The man has talent, I must say, in attracting strong feelings from a lot of women. Well, I get her. It's a sad story, hers. Seventeen and on a path of useless and hopeless revenge in the middle of the Desolation, after her father and uncle were burned to death in front of her, while those idiotic underlings of Damaschini slapped them (!?). Maybe this last thing is some kind of embellishment. I hope. Damaschini strikes me like the honorouble type. Then again... I had heard plenty of the four-eyed warlock in his employ, or the shadow assassin named Cato. Where do they find people like this?   Anyway, a lot of hidden information. Talion, Heron, now Isbel Lofkia... All on this damned ship. Heh. It's almost funny.   After that, it was a quiet day, mostly. I got to read more. I started my Gavan lessons with Bart again, he catches up so fast..   The next day went a little more poorly. Well, much more. You see, dear journal, Pullius was in trouble with demons, as we all know. And had dreams now. Heh. And he didn't want to do anything to avoid a bad outcome. It was late, anyways. So in the morning Verfys saw Talion couldn't wake up (they were on deck, guarding our ship). She called some of us. Nixie slapped him. Still didn't wake up. I came too, to see what was wrong with him. He just wasn't waking up. I got to the side of bed and looked closer, trying to understand if he had been put to sleep, somehow, or... Anyway, while still sleeping, Pullius grabbed my throat with immense strength.   I understood then. He was sleeping. He only had his unconscious working. And there, our friend Axiol could work. And he clearly had help. Axiol could now control Pullius. And he did his job. The others came to help me out of the clench, and I exchanged places with Bart. But... smart Axiol... He had made Talion walk all the way to a knife (in the middle of the night, I presume) and now he used this knife to stab my Bart in the back. I tried to get Bart out of his grip, but he got to stab him again before I used all my paper-strength to hurl Bart away. Stupid Bart, foolish Bart wanted to stop me. Stupid, Bart, foolish Bart, don't be like Nutcase-Eve! I like you how you are! I don't want to like myself!!   But Axiol the sick winged lizard didn't want to stab me. He still held me as tight as he could and tried to kiss me now. Smart and stupid, what can I say. I felt so much disgust, but not at Talion, but at this sick little demon who thinks he can do whatever he wants with our feelings and toy with us like that. I hate him so much.   Before I could stop him, Bart got me out and replaced me with him. Axiol got to kiss Bart too, well actually it looked like Bart kissed him. DO NOT BE NUTCASE! Well, I think he had a point. I felt jealous. Not with Axiol, come on...   Well, now we both got to kiss him. I must say, from a drama standpoint, it's downright marvelous. Demons are very good at drama. But it won't work with me. I just felt I wanted to punch that rat.   Talion finally woke up, probably stirred by all that Bart singing from before the kiss and of course by the Bart-kiss (which truly is a very good kiss to wake up to, but NOT TALLION GOD NO), he had a very sane reaction at least (would've been veeeeery worried otherwise) and backed out immediately.   We carefully tried to tell Talion what had happened, but I had no time for Demon-boy, my Bart was bleeding horribly from two gaping wounds on his back, I had to try to patch 'em up, tried to get to clean them, but I didn't know what I was doing, I think I scraped a piece of skin...................... I am so horrible...... I felt so bad, I immediately took Bart to Vas, woke him up and told him to help us. He cleaned his wound and got to cauterize it with a hot steel rod and sow the wound, while the gave Bart some leaf which made him numb. But also drugged him. He was funny, my brave little bard. I took him by the shoulder and carried him to his bed. Imagine it, dear journal. Quite the funny image, eh?   I got him into bed and wanted to stay there with him, but remembered the Sylph was probably going to be in a very bad shape after all of this. Poor thing feels even more than we do about our own trials and problems. I rushed to the Sylph and..............   I don't have the strength to write this. We found her in the most terrible shape yet. Screaming, I heard those screams echoing through the ship. They sounded like small eeks to the naked ear, but no. They were massive screams of anguish. I could sense them. And she was trembling and drained of any strength. We tried to lift her and her little right leg... wasn't even attached to the rest.............................. How she still lived, I don't know..... I don't know a lot about her, save for the fact that she is the purest being ever to have walked on Earth. Even in that state, she just wanted us. She had no hate for us, who were destroying her with our stupidity, our fears, our demons, our arguments.... Verfy hugged her and her trembling decreased somewhat. We got her into bed just as Talion himself came in.   The Sylph, pure and beautiful and wise as she was, just wanted to hug him. Him! Not only did she feel no fear, or anger, or anything at the man that she suffered for... Leave that. That somehow wasn't the amazing thing. The amazing thing was that she, the Sylph, who had lost her right leg and had no strength to even sit upright, wanted to console Talion, who was just a little dazzled!!! How can one being be like this!? I get that the Sylph is an angel on Earth, not metaphorically. It just can't be false. I can't explain. It's the most beautiful... and sad...   I keep having these texts about her, dear journal, and every time these feelings are fresh and even more intense. Can you understand that? I can't. She's wonderful. And I fear for her. How close are we? We need to move quickly. There's little time left.   Finally, Talion decided to fight Axiol. Far too late for many things, but it's never too late in general. He did manage to somehow get rid of Axiol. Aha! So he COULD do it! I wanted to punch him to death, but didn't. I was actually strangely collected around him. I knew I needed to be nice. He needed me and I wanted to be there for him. At least now. I hope I helped as much as I could by telling him firmly to fight him, without putting more pressure or anguish on him. I didn't want to blame him, even if he had stabbed Bart twice and had caused the Sylph immense suffering. Well, indirectly, but still. I forgave him for all that, if only he could do the right thing. To his credit, he somehow did. I think. I choose to believe him. Problem is... he has a second, much stronger demon in him, who seems to prey on his helplessness. God, these demons really know what they're doing. He will be a bigger problem than the rat Axiol.   I spent almost all my time beside the Sylph afterwards. Reading about runes (I'm trying to find protective runes for Verfy and Heron, and some good magic enhancing runes for the rest. And I still think about a rune that I could carve on some instrument, for Bart. I'll see. I also tried to teach Bart more Gavan, but he wanted to show me his soul-music (he tries to influence souls via song, he's smart, I know, I'm sure he'll succeed). He clearly does it with my soul, heh. I don't think I taught him a lot of Gavan on that particular evening. Woops.   We also talked to the Sylph about old Elvish. Nixie was very careful to learn as much as possible. All this while, our ship was gaining speed more and more. We got a few good windy days, as we found land once more. Well, cursed land, obviously. We passed a strange, long peninsula. Meana peninsula, which was at the edge of Alghazia. Together with Pradis peninsula in Du-Ul, Meana forms the Gates of the Evening Sons, who defend the exit of the world into the land of the Sunset. There's a very nice legend about the Sunset land from deep Texxorian and Alghazian lore, but I never got to learn more about it. It seems the ancient Texxorians and Alghazians believed that two sons of a powerful being called Strul, sons named Meana and Pradis, travelled far west to search the gold of the Sun, which lay in a lair beyond the world. Mind you, these were legends borne out of a non-Singularist culture (Texxorian) but that were actually inspired by deep Alghazian lore (the Alghazians being the Singularists). The two sons travelled west, but learned on their adventure that the gold was not worth taking, it was part of the essence of the world, and taking the gold would have destroyed the Sun and turned the world upside down (there's the Singularist moral of the story, heh). So they built a gate to defend the Sunset lands, which they discovered, from the rest. Well, not much is known about the Sunset lands, other than that they were some kind of island beyond the sea with a huge treasure in it. I believe it's fictional, but who knows. Maybe there is an island in this mysterious sea.   Anyway, Meana peninsula had a strange fortress at its tip. It looked a little new to be Gavan, and strange. A different architecture, I think. But I wanted to go there. I mean... It felt like this ancient, tranquil place, maybe the harbinger of incredible secrets. I don't know, I have weird fixations. Good that no one else agreed. Nutcase-Eve strikes again...   I spent my days reading and teaching Gavan and talking to the Sylph and all. I feel good. We are making good progress. The Sylph, poor her, she's in pain, and can't really write that much anymore, but I keep her good company. I even made her a small chair made of sticks, so I could carry her around one day, when we reach the Place where Everything Started. I know we're getting close. We already passed the Gates of the Evening Sons, so we are outside Imperial waters, in the land of the Sapphire Fountain. We will be there soon.   May the Almighty protect us and especially the Sylph, so we may take her there.

"The mountains of the world are obstructed by the hills of our own mind" - Great Ordinator Illien the Great in his Letters to a Better Man   Dear journal,   It's late in the night, and I can't really sleep. Again, right? I don't know what to say first. It's been a while since I've been so sure of myself. I want to do this. Take on the Desolation, learn, bend to this light that travels with us - I know it does - and emerge something better. Not new. I like me, Nutcase and all. But better.   And yet... It's hard. I know it's hard for me, and it's hard for everyone else too. We were challenged today. I know, in the morning it was horrid. But tonight was hell.   As you know, we had escaped from the shores battered and scared. We lost 10 good men, and we had awoken a lich lord. Naturally, our spirits were dampened. Like our bodies were dampened by this inescapable fog. Anyway, we were still arguing about where to go and what to do, when we heard a shout. We rushed outside, only to see one of our crewmen shaking on deck, surrounded by the others.   We soon found out what had happened. A black, hollow ghost pierced through the poor guy's body, it did not harm him physically, but it terrified him. I tried to sense what had happened to him. He was overcome by fear, but not a normal fear, a strong, overcoming fear, a fear that melts souls away. The fear of feeling the cold, dead hands of the lich-lord himself.   Tal - sorry - Pullius came to investigate as well. I found out our man was named Marc. It seems the ghost had flown away after sensing his lifeblood, probably stealing a small portion of it. Now the ghost could tell where Mark was - so, where we were.   Xebec decided to immediately settle this issue between ourselves, him, and Dillen, the first mate. In an hour, tops, before any decision would be useless. I have to say, I immediately sensed everything was going to go wrong. Because I had realized that, whatever we did, we could not sever the link between the ghost and Marc, unless we... killed Marc. And to many, weighing lives against one another feels like weighing grain at the market.   Dillen was one such person. Oh, yes. Dillen the dualist, who guides his life around rational severances of Good and Evil. One thing is Good, one is Evil. Both Good and Evil are equal, and opposite, and both compete in a world of both. As if Evil is something. No, of course not. Evil is the absence of something. But if you believe that Evil and Good are on equal footing, and that Evil is something, you can eradicate Evil... Ah, I won't comment more. I will actually make a copy of something else I wrote and put it here, for good measure.   So we discussed what we should do. The Lich could now find us. So we had to save ourselves. Or not. Obviously, I was against it. The others tried to go past the problem by talking about solutions on saving Marc from the... mark. I immediately proposed finding a good lifeforce-masking rune (I know for a fact they exist), I had the Gavan book on runes after all. The rest tried to find some other solutions, like Bart, I heard, proposed something on making Marc fight the ghost and try to recover his lifeblood. I think it was the best idea, but not feasible in a rush with someone like Marc, who had no idea about himself or the world. Maybe someone more inspiring than me or us all could have helped him. A priest, someone who can heal, really heal, not like useless ol' me.   Well, I couldn't focus on that anyway, I had to read through hundreds, thousands of pages and somehow find the right rune. What about the table of contents, Eve? Well, how about you tell the Gavans, dear journal, that a book on runes should find a way to NAME the runes in a way which makes it easy to understand what they do, and NOT after whoever mage INVENTED them............................   While I was searching in vain for runes, the others started raising the tone. I heard Dillen and Verfys the loudest. That Dualist rationalist was well-versed in showing why the crew had to survive over the life of Marc. More lives to be saved, a job well done. A tough decision, a horrible decision, but one that has to be made... Yes. I'm sure it sounds great. But not on this ship, not on this Ael Velle.   Maybe there are too many of us who are not really in this war.   Finally, I found the damned rune, it was long and complex, but feasible. I rushed to the others, who were still arguing around the captain's table. By that point they had brought in Marc, and Pullius had tried to ... talk to him? I don't know, I overheard something about Pullius liking steak. How can one man be so off everything at every single moment in his life!?!? We were trying to save a man!!! To further our course. Does he even know why we're here!? He's the Ionolian mage, I thought they'd teach him more about Purpose. They even have a ... nevermind. I'm starting to think all my admiration for Talion, in the early days, was based off this aura I had about the School of Magic. but maybe the School is bad.   I told them I had found the runes and wanted to rush to prepare them. But Dillen and Pullius were arguing about time, Dillen was mad we were wasting so much of it. I told them I needed at least an hour, they said it's too much, the lich will have plenty of time to send his minions towards us. They would be able to track us down if we didn't destroy their beacon - Marc - right away. Or de-mark him, I guess. These people... They can't admit we have to fight for the man's life?   Well, that's when Heron.......... Decided? I don't know. He simply undressed and said "Leave Marc to me, I'll make him want to get his lifeforce back". I just about had it. I had to power-read through a thousand pages and suddenly everyone was either murderous, ludicrous or downright losing their minds!!! Heron! The nice, quiet muscle-man whom I owed so much... Was now undressed and chasing the guy whose fate we had been pondering, all over the ship, clearly bent on giving him some kind of... treatment. It seems Pullius then tried to feel the will that had carved a piece of Marc's lifeforce out of him. And he felt that will. He figured he had found where the ghost was........ Obiviously, ghosts can't have will, since they're undead. That, dead journal, was the lich lord. Congratulations, Pullius, you just graduated the School of Magical Obliviousness. I can't. It's too much. I shut down my mind and simply went about to carve the runes in the wood of the deck, in front of the mess hall. Not before shouting at him. I felt bad after that. I think I treat him too harshly because I kind of ... It still hurts, ok? It all still hurts. And he just wants to show me how wrong I was for loving him. It hurts.   But wait! Verfys and Nixie and Bart started talking about third ways, again. Some kind of smaller boat, left behind, with Mark and us in it. I would carve the rune around the boat, and the rest of the crew would be safe. And we would... return to the ship after I finished the rune...? Because this way only we would be in danger. I got it, I really did. They didn't want to force the crew to suffer the consequences of their choice. I mean, it's a sensible thought to have. It's really bad I didn't have it. Once I decide on something... It's gonna happen. That's why I'm a bad person, bound to Nutcase-hell.   I hated myself for a second. But I still refused their solution.   I got back out, starting to carve runes on the deck. Bart had already brought the small boat, but I didn't know which to do: the boat or the ship? Where to place those miserable runes? As I was panicking over there, the others started shouting. We were all in front of the door to the captain's quarters. The crew had been summoned, and they were very briefly explained that Marc essentially was a beacon for an undead army, and so we had to either kill him and run, just run and wait for the inevitable, stay behind on a boat while the rest of the crew ran, or......... ahem.... fuck Marc in the ass - plastic representation of our fourth choice, done by Xebec.   I lost faith in our cause, for a second. Or more. What was going on...   The crew were rushed to vote, as everyone wanted to know as soon as possible what the outcome would be. Poor Marc was unsure what to do or say. I felt he wanted to be brave and sacrifice himself, but... Even if he accepted death... It was stupid. For us and for him. We simply had to stay and fight. No way beating around the bush.   The vote was overwhelmingly in favour of this. I was a little bit surprised, but mostly, very, very relieved. My brave Bart and good strong Verfys had lead the charge, showing their votes. I did the same, but you already expected that, dear journal. I think Nixie voted the same, though I still wonder what caused this decision.   Very soon after the vote, however, people got mad. Some kind of fear travelled through all of us. We realized that it WAS inevitable. The lich was coming. The air was thick, the fog was thick, the sea was thick as mud. Was it too late to turn back? Everyone pondered this question, I think. For a moment, I wanted to rescind my vote. I'm weak, and stupid, and mostly a hypocrite. Like how I was with Pullius. Leaving him, I could have waited. It looks like I didn't even love him. It looks like I'm just superficial... damnit, Eve! All these thoughts.... I hate them!!!   Focus on the problem.   So, everyone was scared. And Gerki the watchboy took action and struck Marc with an arrow. Suddenly, Xebec lashed at Dillen, who probably wanted this to happen, but surely didn't order Gerki or anything. Xebec now wanted Gerki dead, but the crew rallied around Dillen. Gerki was mad they were never explained what options they really had, or what the real situation was. They were all scared, deathly scared, and felt leaderless. I felt leaderless, too, but I knew what I had promised, what I felt and what I believed in.... I couldn't really get involved, I had to carve the runes... Lest we all killed each other before the lich even came.   And that almost happened, but Nixie and Verfys prevented Xebec from slashing Dillen into a million pieces, and Verfys saved Marc from a second arrow shot by Gerki. By this point, I have to note that everyone was in a mood only to fight each other. Pullius even shot an energy ball at Dillen, because his good friend the demon probably wanted to see how an energy ball looks like. No, it's not funny. I'm not in the mood for sarcastic remarks. I am an idiot. I should stop.   But it was horrible. I have to vent. I hated it. I hated how everyone became some stupid, dumb versions of themselves. Except Dillen, who was exactly what I expected him to be. The calculated, rational man. The smart boy. The reasonable guy. Yes. Well, I'm not reasonable, or smart, or rational, and I don't really like math, so no, not calculated.   As Verfys and Nixie held the crew together, they immediately realised they couldn't beat Xebec, or kill Marc (who was defended by us). Overcome with the panic that they couldn't do anything to escape the certainty of an attack, many ran and abandoned ship. Xebec yelled at them to come back and fight like men. He didn't really care for more. There was nothing else he would say to them. They reluctantly came back - they had nowhere to go anyway. I tried to yell some sense into them as well. Well, sense. Haha. Sense, Eve. I had no sense. I don't think I made any sense. I'm as convincing as a sack of turnips.   Eventually, we calmed down, and Xebec started giving orders. We were to reinforce the roof of the mess hall, while the strongest of us would guard the sides of the ship. Bart and I stayed near the main mast, ready to reinforce either side. We knew not what would come to get us, and were ill prepared. In heart, especially. And I count myself in it, too.   Poor Sylph. She's the only pure heart. And she's broken.   They came, soon, as night fell. The sky was filled with fog, but strange lights did glimmer amidst the vapors, from the ligthning storm unleashed by Nixie in the sky above. Bart and I hugged tight, like the cover of a closing book, heh. But not because we felt it could very well be our last hug. It was a hug of hope... Then... Something. Gerki shouted he saw a flying purple rock.   I felt chills down my spine. Flowing xenatine? It could only mean.... I had read about it, only two or three words, in a history book. Xenatine containing.... a soul. Could it be that we were going to fight one?   The rock erupted, and a huge, horrifying ghost formed above and around it. It gleamed purple in its eyes, but was dark and bluish, ragged and ethereal. It created a huge, purple sword in its hand, and immediately darted towards the roof of the mess hall, where Pullius and Nixie stood.   I don't know exactly what happened there, but I saw Xebec rush with the speed of light onto the roof and then felt a strange energy push the ghost back. Our captain fought with immense strength, no doubt aided by an artifact. But the ghost wasn't alone. Dozens of normal-sized black ghosts emerged from the mist to attack us. I tried to help Heron by lighting up his sword with arcanic fire, but.... I was so terrified of him... I tried to remember the exact feeling, the calmness I needed to invoke the arcane on the blade, but failed miserably. Useless-Eve.   Bart took me by the hand and lifted me up, then almost threw me up the roof. We both wanted to help, because there was a terrible battle going on on the roof between the huge ghost and our friends. As I went up, I saw Pullius rise in his transcendent form, throwing lightning arcanic bolts on the ghost. But the terrible spectre was, no doubt, the spirit of a wizard, for it could summon magic. A wave of shadow pierced through Pullius, and he fell immediately. By the time I was on the roof, he had risen on his feet, but was badly injured.   I saw it, the ghost. A horrible thing. I saw a man hanging by his xenatine stone, however. Drenizek, the drunk. What a wonderful man. I almost burst into tears. I could only imagine what that xenatine was doing to him. Xebec, Verfys and Heron all helped Drenizek pull the stone down and damage it, while Nixie kept hitting the ghost with her lightning. Oh, Nixie was.... scary. Genuinely. I heard about the power of the storm, and how mages can invoke it around them... but seeing an elf surrounded by those strong winds and lightning.... There was something awe-inducing in it. I had no time to haggle, though. The ghost lounged and hit several with his sword, including poor Nixie and none other than Dillen. I don't know how, or when, but I launched myself towards him, right hand trying to reach him. I felt he would die. So... I gave him life essence. I don't want to write about it, though. It's still foggy in my mind. Plus, I did little compared to the rest.   Our brave girls and men fought hard and took down both the ghost and then eventually the stone itself, which contained its soul. The stone shattered, creating a huge explosion which blew all of us away.   My back hurts. I had hit the floor when falling. But, you know, 4 men died.. It's not getting easy. It's getting hard. Very hard. My second thought, after mourning the loss of life, was: the Sylph. I rushed back in the hull, with Bart and the rest. She was there, terrified, sad, small. But strong. She somehow resisted. I felt she had endured pains greater than all of us. She told us it hurt. Can I express it? No. But the pain she had suffered somehow still lingered around her. I could just barely feel it.   Where are we heading?   Please, Almighty Lord, forgive us for our weakness.  

I write this letter in a late hour. You will probably not understand why, at first. But I know you will, in time. It's so weird I probably don't entirely comprehend it either, now.   But I can't waste ink and paper on that. I wanted to write you about something. This day was a blessed and cursed day. The souls of all of us were stripped naked for all to see. Did you feel it? Maybe no more than a glimpse, but it was enough for those who have eyes to see.   We do not march to the end of the World, dear Nixie. We march through it. When we decided on that, whether we knew it or not, we decided to abandon a part of ourselves. A part that would live in complacency, or face only the dim challenges of normal folk. Now, every turn is a question so big the World itself rests upon your shoulders. Each problem, a challenge as big as mountains. Each setback, a defeat worth a thousand wars lost. We have the flag of the Ael Velle, and this is our war.   Talion told us about the end. The Apocalypse. The dragons, everything. Death. Death coming from all sides. Just like here, in the Desolation. Our boat, dear Nixie, is the world. And we are attacked.   That being said, I can come to my main point. I know you had a hard time today. We all had, but you had it harder than most. For you, my dear Nixie, believe in our war, but do not feel the hope to fight it.   When Mark's life was on the line, your mind strayed. I know that. You must have listened to Dillen and felt that he has reason, and a point. He might, in a world of animals, in a world of plants, in a world of rocks and water. Not in the world of the spirit. Not in His world, as He created it. I couldn't explain it to anyone. And I didn't really talk to anyone about why I wanted Mark alive, not even to Bart. But I somehow feel I want to share this with you, Nixie, for you are both in huge doubt and have the clarity and desire for this understanding.   I told you how life is infinite in value. Each life. Each soul. What is a soul? It's a shard of something, a part of God? Not quite, I think. Our soul is unique, the thing that can't be taken. Once it exists, it never ceases, for it is in the shape of our Creator. The rest... it transforms. But then, what is life? The soul has no life, or eternal life, if you will. It doesn't die. Life is a condition of the soul, to stay here, in the material realm. Each soul is unique and alone in its way, but we are all alike to our Creator who loves us, so are we alone? No. We want back. We need to be back. So, obviously, life is shaped around that thought. But we barely know what and who we are. We understand so little of life and ourselves. God gives us this life so that we may exist to return to him. It's like... a tree sprouts acorns, and the acorns naturally fall to the ground, but the tree does sprout them, because the acorns can grow as well, and meet with the Father-tree in the heavens above... So, life is a gift for us. Something we possess but have no understanding or control thereof.   That is why we do not know why people who deserve to die live, and people who deserve to live die. We clearly have no say in that. But God... He knows. You believe in free will. I sense that. I am glad. The strong acknowledge they must always choose. We must always choose, there's no use in denying our responsibility. And our choice can impact others, sometimes for eternity...   So this choice was a life over other lives. But it was more than that. It was a choice of being like God, or behaving like humans and leaving God to it. For killing Mark meant believing that we knew better when to end a life. That we knew this way things were better off, as if that life was created by us, for us to take it!!! Yes, our decision would have made us responsible of the death of others. I have four men on my conscience! And they scream in my ear, and they will scream in my ear for all eternity, of that I am sure. But killing Mark... That would have been far, far worse a crime. Mark was not ready. You saw him. If he died... It would have been bad for him. And even if it had been good (we can't know)... could we tell? No! We don't know what is better! The choice to let Mark live meant protecting ALL life, shielding all of it from destruction. That is why it was better.   Come a million ghosts over a million men, for the life of one, and I will choose to never lay my hand to kill another. For no matter how horrible, how terrible, how destructive the forces that come bearing down upon us are.... Life is stronger. Life is from God. Life is our great gift. We can't squander it, for ourselves or for others. In this world which descends into chaos, we must protect this more than anything else. This gift.   If we follow our hope, and protect life, and observe righteousness in our heart, we may yet die. But at least I'll know it is for the better. For our choice.... it was a choice for GOOD. If that means our death, do not despair. It's only because we can't really comprehend.   You see, dear Nixie, we are never alone. God is up there, he does not come to save the Good from death if death is what is needed. He does not choose FOR us. But He will observe our choice. It took me a while to understand some of these things, I am a stubborn one, after all. But that's why I am all the more sure today.   I can feel you want all this to be so, you want to feel life as this precious thing, but are shrouded by the Evils and follies in it. I know. I have felt them only too well. These last months were heavy on me. I wanted to forget about certain things. When I decided to abandon Talion, I wanted to abandon all love and affection for all wordly things. Because I felt they had betrayed me. I wanted, more than anything, to be alone.   But alone is never possible. Doesn't it warm your heart if only a little, to know that? No matter what, you can never be alone. So, no despair. No grief. Nothing is ever lost, while we have this wonderful gift, Life, on our side. While we have life, we can rise back, fix a mistake, build, learn, feel. So, yes, I will never choose a man's life over mortal danger for any number of others.   I probably didn't make any sense. I'm sorry, Nixie. I was never the persuasive type. I want you to know something, though. For a second during the battle, I felt regret. I wanted to rescind my vote. I am a coward, you weren't. You had your doubts when you voted, not afterwards, like coward-Eve. I wanted you to know this, of all people. I know you will not judge me. I think you want me to think you would. Heh.   From the Continent where you come from, you probably never heard of Ules. He lived a long time ago, in a random place. His people were forgotten to history books. He lived in the early days when the Sight happened on Marion hill. His parents were simple folk. He himself was... well... very simple. He was born with very few bones, and no arms or legs. He couldn't speak or eat properly, he could barely think, he couldn't move, he was as good as dead. His parents not only spared him, but cared for him. Even if everyone told them not to. He lived in suffering, for breathing itself was hard for him.   But he lived. Somehow, defiant of all we know of our bodies, he could live to reach adulthood. And, on one particular day, his mouth moved, and his eyes became moist. He spoke, for the first time in his life. He announced that He had come to take His flock back.   He died the very next second.   He is our greatest saint, and his body is at the very foundation of Marion Cathedral.   Good night, Nixie. Sleep well.   There are many fights to be had.   May the Almighty forgive us.

"I trembled as I lifted the scepter. For me, it was heavier than mountains. Heavier than promises" - king Laren I of Vormiol, in his Memoirs   Dear journal,   Today was a hectic day yet. And this time we didn't fight. After that horrifying 13th of July, I don't think there could have been any fight. Even undead have to rest, right? Well, of course not, that's what makes them so dangerous. But, fortunately, we didn't have to fight for our lives just yet.   I will explain the quote a little later. First, I have a few things to say about the aftermath of the battle. You see, last night I had a little talk with Nixie and Verfy about, well, everything that had happened. I had sensed Nixie had made a choice without being very sure of it, and they both sensed my sadness. Well, dear journal, it was not sadness, just... A little bit of frustration, because in these weeks, well, month already (I know them for more than a month now) I think life placed me in a lot of contexts where I could truly start to understand them. And I think all of them are good, complex people who can truly feel things and see things. Well, different mentalities and temperaments and problems and little quirks make everyone react differently, but the strength is all there.   So I was a little frustrated and maybe even desperate to see how everyone had their own failings - including myself. Especially myself. I had doubted my own decision, like the hypocrite I am. I didn't tell the girls that, though. They would think I'm a lying hypocrite. Hypocrite-whore-Eve does sound like a logical chain of terms. Anyway, I knew Nixie was shaky in her choice, which meant that she didn't really concur with the new Ael Velle I had imagined for us. And it obviously made me a little sad, but no worries. I got to tell her in maybe more clear words why I had chosen what I had chosen, and I think I suceeded to get Nixie out of that bleak outlook which made her hesitant to raise these big, heavy flags which require so much conviction and the overcoming of such doubt to hold high.... I know because I lack conviction many times, and I have doubts all the time....   But I felt better talking about it, I guess. I really hope we will make this work. Our purpose. The Sylph-destiny. Everything. I even wrote something about this. I won't leave anyone behind, especially when I know we all feel the same, deep down. Maybe not Pullius; he has other people deep down.... Ugh.... I .... I will come back to this. I hope he is the same deep down. I really do. I just can't be sure... About him. And about me. We are the problem. Again, I'll come back to this.   Anyway, we had this nice talk, Verfys had come back from Xebec with his map it seems, and we talked about premonitions too. Why did Verfy have Xebec's map? I guessed the reason, and it made me anxious. Xebec is an unpredictable man. I don't know what he'll do if he's not going to be captain anymore. Anyway, Verfy was quite curious what we thought of premonitions. Nixie said something smart: life is a stage, maybe you can't leave the stage, but you can play your role how you like it. The stage is what the Almighty gives us: to each, according to how he or she can handle. Some are destined to be kings, others, to be simple peasants. All can fulfill their role to the maximum extent of their scene. So, no matter who we are, how simple or complicated, strong or weak, ugly or beautiful we are, we can and we should carry on with our role, to the greatest extent. Then, why not fight? Why not overcome? Right?   I feel weak and useless a lot. But I know what I must do. Maybe the Desolation is tiring our souls more than anything. You know, dear journal, this pressure on the forehead, whenever you think of matters of the spirit? Simplest to most complicated.   Next morning, I was feeling tired. Just that. Tired, tired and disoriented. I forgot to mention we were to choose our captain. We had been ruled by at least two leaders, Xebec as captain of the ship and Tallion as our leader. And of course Dillen who represented the crew. Now, we would vote for one leader, who could assume this role once and for all.   I wanted to sleep next to Bart. That's all I could think of. I needed a long, warm hug, to last me through the night. Oh well, some day we will get out of this horrifying mess and get back to some kind of normal. I know people died, people almost killed each other. I tried not to think of my own wishes.   We had the vote, dear journal. It was a chaotic one. Xebec proposed Verfys, as expected. Then, Dillen proposed Nixie, which was a bit of a surprise. I know they had this thing going on, where they whispered some secrets to each other, I saw them talk a couple of times about.. I don't know. And Laimon the cook proposed Pullius, of all people. Why the cook? Well, dear journal, last night Verfy and Nixie almost told me something about Laimon. There's something about him. That's because it's not a him, but a her. I am mostly sure. Not entirely. But the signs are there. Also, Laimon is kind of polite and well-articulated for a lowborn Alomirese cook. There's also something between Laimon and Pullius. The girls said something about it. Alomirese, enmity with Pullius, something regarding the war it seems... Could it be that Laimon is some girl from the losing side of the war? One of the noble families, or even the heiress to the throne? I heard something about an exiled princess. But I can't remember details... That would be huge. And problematic... God. Poor girl. Or maybe Laimon is a guy, but still one of them. In any case, I feel bad. He/she seems lost. That as much is clear. How much suffering can this boat carry...   Coming back to the vote, Naked-Heron proposed himself. I still can't get over what happened yesterday with him. That was not something normal, or even crazy. It was completely out of this world. I mean... Who could react like THAT to THAT situation? There must be something more here. There must be a curse, a ... I don't know. YEsterday i felt disgusted. Now I'm just worried. I'd like to help Heron. We should all help him. He is a good man, I'm sure of that. But he's pulling a Pullius here by not telling us anything.   So, we had four candidates. Well, no. Nixie refused to participate, I saw her shaking, she wasn't sure, but because of that, she probably said not to go in. So Drenizek rose up and had this fired-up speech about Nixie being his only choice and he decided to run himself, so that his first order would be to make Nixie captain in his stead, as he resigned. Hah. What a funny man. I still don't know how to categorise Drenizek. He's clearly not someone that can be placed among others in a neat category. He's his own thing. Hats off.   I didn't like the situation, though, because I felt none of them could unite the ship and its people. I must say, dear journal, that as things progressed, I felt this urge to rise up myself and run for the job. Only that... I am Nutcase-Eve. The day I lead as much as a turnip is the day that turnip, and all turnips, turn to dust. So... No. I couldn't. I thought of myself as someone who had some answers, who felt the Ael Velle. Ha. Hahahhahahahahahhaahhaahhahahahahaah. Yes. Exactly. Utter stupidity.   I looked at Bart. He understood what I felt, about our mission, about us, about the Desolation. He is smarter, more charismatic, more likeable. He could do it. My eyes must've told him to rise up, because he did. I smiled. I would follow Bart.   I have to confess something. When I first entered Pullius' room on that fabled early summer day, when I met them all, I thought Bart was their leader.   So there we go. Bart didn't get a lot of votes. Just four. Verfys got the most, but because there had been 5 candidates, we held a second round. Drenizek and Verfys were tied, 10 to 10. I voted Verfys, because she's a fiery warrior, who seemed to want to do this, while Nixie was too undecisive in my opinion. It wasn't a very easy choice, because I love and respect them both. I wish I hadn't been forced to choose between them.   You see, dear journal, I now realize Nixie might have been the better choice PRECISELY because of her undecisiveness. Check the quote. Anyway, it turned out that Nixie won, after all. Nixie herself had voted for Verfy (!!!), but then changed to vote for Drenizek - herself, really. So Drenizek won, he ordered us to drink his last two bottles of alcohol (which he had hid especially well) and then resigned in favour of Nixie.   Poor Nixie regretted, I think, but mustered the strength to make a very stuttered, but heartfelt speech. She'll be fine. We'll help her.   I feel at peace with what happened. Nixie has both the crew and us on her side. I hope we'll be able to brave any new threats better than we did so far.   As for the others... Problems persist. Heron is one. But we didn't get to that yet. Nixie decided to hold a session of together training - the most necessary thing I hate. And we talked with Pullius about his 2 instances of random violence. Well, not random. Of course.   I feel strength leaving my body right now. I can barely write. Pullius didn't listen to me. I explained to him how the demon (Axiol is his name, it seems) uses whatever feelings he DOES have in his subconscious, and exacerbates them or liberates them. Pullius only listened to the least important parts - which were direct accusations at his person, or perceived as such by him - and responded to that with his usual defensive rants. I wanted to punch him in his big magic-man face. God, why. Why. I can't. Is he stupid? Does he have ZERO imagination? It hurts. Again.   He then said that he felt frustrated that I had left him and then got together with Bart. Well, he used a nicer word, I think, but... the reality was there. And he said something like this: "I wasn't what you needed me to be at that moment". WHAT!? Am I such a bad person? God, I am. I wanted Pullius to be something for me. Something he wasn't. And when he wasn't, I left him. And found someone I wa... Come on. I have to be exaggerating. It's not like that. Is it?? That's why I have all these thoughts? I must be the villain of this story. God, I am.   What Ael Velle am I dreaming of?   You see my problems, miserable journal I want to burn together with everything else? I keep pretending I'm a sweet lil' poppy. I'm the miserable pile of sour grapes that makes you puke. I'm the blue leaf of the Dey plant. I'm the ....   I must find that letter and burn it. I have no right to explain anything to anyone.   ***   I calmed down after five minutes. I have Bart. That makes sense. If it makes sense, then everything that happened before makes sense, too. Sometimes I feel even God will judge me. You see, if God judges me the villain, it means I am. But how do I know what God would say? Well, because that's what part of me says. There's nothing godly about that part, though. I know I have my own demons. And I think Axiol would pale in comparison to some of them...   Forgive me, the sinner.

"The tide ebbs. Why don't you have faith in Him?" - Illien the Great, during the battle for Fools' Peninsula   Dear journal,   I am a little tired, but I want to write in you as much as I can. It was not the easiest of days...   You see, the last couple of days have really been quite the emotional rollecoaster. And now... Now things have changed around us. It's weird to tell it like that. I'll just state what happened and see if I can make sense.   It was a peaceful night. I slept well, very well. Yesterday I had tried to teach Bart some basic Gavan. But I couldn't focus, he was so cute. And so quick to learn, I almost felt jealous. Well, I FELT jealous. God, Eve, nutcase. Anyway, I had that wonderful bath and was feeling all so well, I was sleeping next to the Sylph and we both felt each other smile, it was so nice.   When I woke up, however, there was this density in the air. I quickly learned why. Xebec rounded us up immediately. We were stuck. Somehow, during the night, the ship had drifted around and back to where we started the day before, probably. The winds here are very weird. Well, we were stuck in the sand, because we were close to the shore.   I rushed on deck to see for myself. The fog was so thick we couldn't even see poor Gerki in his post up the main mast. I was immediately struck by this unnerving feeling. We were in the Great Western Desolation. I think we had taken it too lightly. Anyway, Xebec was quick to take control of the situation. He found out that the water was around 6 meters deep. Not good, but it seems it wasn't the main problem. The main problem was this shipwreck in which our boat was stuck.   Initially, Nixie wanted to tie herself to a rope and plunge into the water, to get to the bottom and move around the sand dunes. We all vehemently opposed such an idea. That water is eerie at best. Dark, and heavy, heavy like lead. When I had fallen into it a couple of days before, I had felt this pull from the depths. Not good. Not at all.   In the end, however, someone had to go down there and push the boat out of the tangle. Some of our strongest crewmen tied each other to a rope and went down. We were all on our edge, because the fog was thick, and we were all annoyed that we got in that mess. Needless to say, things could have been way worse.   And they were. As soon as he touched the water, the first crewman, the Goznian Vadrek, shouted "purple-eyes". We all instantly heard it, as if the shoat came from everywhere, it was such a sudden panic, like a cold sword slashing through your chest. I had not seen the "Lady of the Sea" before. It was going to be my first encounter with.. undead.   I got up on deck and drew my Nutcase-Blade. Wasn't too sure I could do much with it, but I had to participate. I instantly looked for Bart. I know he's not a warrior, but he's a smart one, he knows what's up in a fight. Plus, paper-boy and paper-girl make for one sturdier piece.   The shipwreck immediately turned into a ghastly scene, as skeletons rose from the water climbing up the wooden debris. I couldn't really see it, but I heard about it later. The people who had gone below were quickly overwhelmed. But they were sturdy folk.   Talion got to use more of those arcanic waves which so easily pulverise these monsters. But he was only one, well, two, with his mirror-self, and the undead were climbing from everywhere. We had split in two groups, one on each side of the ship. Talion took care of the back, Dillen took the front, Vadrek and the Fastodans fought in the water. We were all overwhelmed, but I felt we were also all rock-solid.   I clenched my fist hard when I saw the first one up the ledger. A poor corpse, probably 900 years old or more. I really never feared corpses (other girls faint at the sight of blood) but I felt like throwing up. Not because of the skeleton. But because of those eyes. Those lights from within the skull, glowing through its eye sockets, slightly glimming around its collarbones and spine. Purple, bright, and... disgusting. I hated it. I immediately rushed to push that abomination back. I did. It fell off the ledger, before he could hurt Bart.   But another one climbed and Bart couldn't stop him. He stuck his blade into him, and for a second I wanted to smack his skull and get that horrid purple light out with my bare hands. But I calmed down. I was not a warrior. Not like Verfys, who was a few steps away from me, slaying these beasts like they were paper, with her beautiful blackish swords. I'm really mesmerised by those swords. I should learn more about them. Another time, I guess.   The fight was horrid. More and more undead climbed on board, and they were far stronger than our crewmates. Bart and I tried our best to keep them away, but our blades were surely useless. We started to pull back. I had little else to do, I felt frustration. I didn't even care about the battle at that point, only that I was useless. I quickly calmed down. I remembered Illien the Great. He was not strong as a child. He found strength in humility. I sheathed my Nutcase-blade. Bart needed me. I may be useless, but maybe all that was within me, useless as it was in me, could be of use in someone else. In him.   I pulled him from behind into my arms, so i could feel his heart beating with my left hand. I don't know exactly how, or when, but at one point I felt... I ... There's no word, but like there's a word for "smelling" or "seeing", there could be a word for that particular feeling. I had life essence in my palms. His. Mine. Somehow, I knew that I couldn't do anything. But I could create something, there was one thing of valor in my heart, and the Almighty works in that. Like a smith needs his iron, to cast his sword.   I felt it materialise. The longest second in my life, as I sensed my hands glow without even seeing them. I felt Bart twitch in surprise. Suddenly, he was all better. That gaping wound I was touching with my right hand closed. I trembled and throbbed, I couldn't believe what had just happened. Bart then sprung into action, taking down one of the undead which was climbing our boat.   By that point, the poor guys down in the sea had managed to dislodge the shiprwreck from the ship, and with Nixie's winds on our side, we immediately left. The remaining undead were easily cleansed by Talion and Verfys and the rest. But as we were leaving, we heard a horrendous screech, like a million blades hitting against a sharpening stone. And a huge bolt piercing from the depth of the shipwreck all the way into the sky. We were far, however, far enough...... What lay there... we could only know too well. It was one of them. Liches.   My heart was still beating very hard. I don't know if Bart noticed what had happened. He didn't say anything about it. And neither did I. I dare not. For me, it was a moment of true fear. I'm not going to lie. I was afraid. Very, very afraid. But somehow that fear had the gift of calming down my frustration. God works in truly wonderous ways. Even with idiotic paper-women like me.   I just wanted to hug him... But it wasn't the time. People grieved for their dead. Ten of our comrades had succombed.   Dear journal, I returned from their funeral. The Goznians had been burned away in a small raft which was tied to the ship. The Fastodans and Itelians were tied to barrels or boulders and sunk down to the bottom. A burial of sorts, the most we could do with. I felt sad. These people fought well. And bravely. No one thought of running. I know there's nowhere to run off to, but... Fear does not care for reason. You would still try to flee. I felt it. The need to simply flee. Get my feet going and run in whichever direction didn't have purple eyes. I didn't feel too ashamed. I understood it... I was just sad about the whole situation. Death, death and despair, simply crawling into every crevasse of our boat. I felt that newfound urge, that feeling. It was... unnerving. Because Death is everywhere around me. Can I learn to aid Life, with all this decay around us? Maybe more, here, than anywhere else.   I feel bad for the crew. I think I kind of forgot about them, I'm so self absorbed sometimes... I wish I did more for them. I won't let any single one of them go to battle alone. I have found my way. Illien the Great is once again right. Power is always weak. But in weakness lies the mightiest light. In acknowledging, understanding and overcoming that weakness. Not with your own strength, but with Purpose. And the Virtues. I think.   Illien the Great would never falter from that Purpose. Only when the Purpose itself would disappear. Thankfully, our Ael Velle is still alive. The Sylph, I mean. Oh... I feel even sadder. The poor thing. She's so strong. I don't think they know it. Verfi, Nixie, the rest, they all care for her, but I'm not sure they sense how close she is to death, every single time. I fear for her every hour, I always ask her if she's alright, glance at her, waiting to sense her glance, her little glimmer behind that small right hole in her mask. Whatever happened to her left eye.........? I don't want to think about it.   She was broken, poor Sylph, I think every single hit those undead gave, she felt it tenfold. I think every scream of fear within our souls were blades on her skin. I think every death was a another punch in her stomach. I know she loves us all, I don't know how she can have so much of it. I feel it now, better than before. I'll never truly understand it, though. I'm sorry.... And she HUGGED US. Amazing. I felt her body, light as a feather. I fear for her. But she doesn't. Her love is too strong. Her hug, too strong. I don't know what to write about it. Too shocked.   I don't know. Many feelings. But I hold my head high. We must brave through this. For our strong Sylph.   I just wish I got that hug.

"Brave the black shores, and don't look back towards the light; it will shine through you" - Great Ordinator Illien the Great, upon reaching the Fools' Peninsula   Dear journal,   There's so much to tell about these past two days! I feel very excited, so I will try to be swift and as non-boring as I can get; well, you know me already, heh, I only talk about my own stupid problems like the paper-girl I am.   So, I had a very rough morning after I last wrote in you. The moisture almost ruined the paper. I'm sorry. I still remember when I bought you, two months ago, I was so excited to have you, I decided to keep you in this lovely leather casing, bind you with the best rope and keep you in my little bag. I cared for you and made sure no one else saw you, as if you were some kind of secret great artifact. Well, you were, I mean a friend those days was just as rare as a great artifact, so yeah.   Now I barely keep you afloat in all this water. I'm sorry, it's not that I don't care for you anymore, I am so all over the place I can't keep being so tidy and organized. As if I were as much before! Well, I still want to protect you, I have so many important thoughts here, maybe in one year or two I'll be able to take you out, read you out loud and laugh myself to death. I fear for the soul that may find and read you.   I got derailed. I had a very whirlwind day yesterday, dear journal. As you remember, I was immensely sad and desperate, I felt everything was going to be a total disaster, I hated myself for bringing Bart in a hopeless situation. Well, I had to confront Bart about it. The rest were preoccupied with either doing something about the seawater (Nixie tried to convince Pullius to purify the cursed water - as if) or simply training. I pulled Bart apart for a while and told him my fears. I felt so good simply sharing my stupid little panics. I can't believe people can actually do that: spill the beans on all their nonsense to people that may even feel offended or aghast by them, and actually see these people listen to and understand that nonsense. Well, not people, Bart. I mean, I'm not used to that, and I don't think many people are. So I am lucky. That realisation made me a little braver that day. I wanted to come out and tell them I chose to be by Bart's side. You know, his right side, where he has that nice beauty mark under his ear, hihi.   Anyway, Bart was a little hesitant to tell people, he wanted to just behave naturally around them and let them realise what was going on, which, honestly, I felt was kind of stupid. Why not come out in all honesty, cut the nonsense, cut the grins, the suggestions, the whispers? Be upfront. I know I am nutcase-Eve plunging into things, maybe that's why... Well, I didn't hold it against Bart. I learnt not to be so quick to judge him, he's probably stronger than I am, you know, emotionally.   I am proud to say, however, that Bart still did what I wanted him (and me) to do. I am honestly very, very glad. Verfys and Bart had gathered us for another one of those sessions where we get to share our feelings and understand each other (Bart and I came holding hands, I felt so nervous...) And Verfys... well, our fighter-elemental is, as I said, very perceptive. She was well in on our not so little affection. I had even left a little nutcase-mark on Bart's neck, ugh. Maybe she saw it. In any case, she said "Let's talk about a feeling we had kept hidden from the rest". So, so very cheeky of her. Well, off we went.   Verfys said she feels upset about Ta Pullius. Oh well, I guess not even the strongest walls can be left unbreached by the sheer power of Pullius' insufferableness. Sometimes. These days, that's for sure. And Bart then decided to open up and tell everyone about us. I must've squashed his hand, God, Eve, he must think I'm not just mad, but psychotic. I was just enormously nervous... Pullius simply blabbered some words and left in a hurry and I felt the world collapsing. I felt judged and hated and dirty and a whore and a bad woman and a demon-Eve. And I wanted to bury myself somehwere. But Bart and Nixie calmed me down, and Verfys went after Pullius, but couldn't make him to return.   I don't know, dear journal, I expected something like this, but it still hurt. Talion is the person that should know me best. I expect him to be as upfront with me as I was with him. If he wanted to call me a whore, please, do it in my face. Don't run and gossip about me with your demon-friend. I felt betrayed. Because I felt that I had betrayed him, but that in fact I didn't and that he will never understand that I didn't. Does it make sense? I guess not.   It's not easy. It really isn't. Whatever I had for Talion left a huge hole in me when it was pulled out like gold from the mineshaft. Now I'm an abandoned mine, like the one in Vazakis, and Bart, the sweet, went in to build some nice runes in it. I just hope he knows I truly f... feel... well, you know, really like him. In may different ways. Truly. Ugh, I'm horrendous.   Anyway, I'm getting incoherent, and not because it's late, but the emotions from that day, I can feel them pulsating through my hand and into the ink. Much like old elvish (I'll talk about that later). So, we finally told everyone, and I had that talk with the girls and Bart and felt better. Pullius never came to talk to me after that. Not a single word. I still don't feel very good about it. But I'll wait. We decided to wait.....   After that, I could finally start to feel some sunshine in my eye. I could hold Bart's hands. Dear journal, they are very soft hands with long fingers (fit for a musician) and I love them. So that made me very happy. If I only thought of that, I was the happies poppy in the field. So we went with Nixie to the Black Sylph to learn old Elvish (Nixie's idea - really love them, they are all brainy in their own ways). You know what, I want to make a new list, with brainy types:   Verfys - perceptive-brainy Nixie - syntethic-brainy Bart - analytic-brainy Heron - emotion-brainy Talion - void-brain   So, we started. I tried my best to understand, but... I was amazed. I can't explain in enough words in here, I think I'll write a separate log at the end of you. I don't know. Old Elvish is not a language. It's the Word, multiplied and explained. It's not a construct earthly beings can create. Well, they can understand it, obviously (since it is a spoken language, at least once it was spoken). But they couldn't have created this. And the Sylph actually is so good at explaining it without talking. She writes these amazingly cute symbols around the words (some above, some beneath, and it's relevant, I think above ones are sources and the ones beneath are targets). The language revolves around the importance of the Word and the feelings and values attached, and intonation and accents are all influenced by it. It is the perfect language to sing.   By the way, if anyone wanted proof of God, I'll try to explain old Elvish to them. Actually no, I'd not share such a valuable secret, unless it's a good man. Don't let enemies know your secrets, Eve.   It was an overall incredible experience. And we'll keep learning. I am so excited for it, we make a good team, the Sylph, Bart, Nixie and I. I'd call Verfys too, I'm sure she'd like it (and see stuff we wouldn't) but she's so busy training with Xebec and this Goznian guy Vadrek (Oh, we'll talk about Vadrek...). After we finished, I went to have my little lesson with Bart on diplomacy and the art of not annoying people with my nutcase-ways. It was a fun one, but Bart couldn't really focus, because, well, I had this irresistible urge to smile at him in very cheeky ways. A botched session, on one part. But we were too excited about the whole thing, so I don't care. Then, Bart said he wanted to sleep in our room, because of... well... Pullius.   I have to stop and add I am really upset Pullius couldn't communicate ONE feeling after all of this. And, you know what? He never cared about me. At all, the pig. The idiot. Zakis pan taone, he should get that, it's in Vormiolese. Now he cares!? Only when he KNOWS he will hurt me by being so horrible. Well, yes, he loves to torture me. Not consciously. Ah, yes, I forgot. His good friend is in his subconscious.   Oh, I should stop. I'm sorry, Almighty. I have little patience. I'm a nutcase-Eve again. Should calm down. I want to ask for forgiveness. I'll wait for Talion. Pullius. Ugh. I can't. I'll try to call him Pullius.   Anyway, Bart slept in our room and I felt a little weird. Because of what had happened in that room the day before. I slept beside the Sylph. I won't leave her side, even if I must confess I'd love nothing more than to be in the same room with Bart and have a little intimacy. But, again, my Sylph-destiny is my destiny.   Today I woke up early. The first morning in years when I actually felt really, really happy. You know the feeling when your day starts out great? You can do everything. I was everywhere. Well, no, obviously, actually just in our room. I had a little plan. The Sylph and I pried into our reserve of sheets and stuff and found a lot of white material which we used to sew six simple tunics with the white banner, silver sword and three stars of the Ael Velle, for us six. The Sylph didn't want one, I think, but I still explained to her that she didn't need one, because she was our purpose and our little big jewel we wanted to protect. And the tunic would signify just that. A new war, which we didn't fight to destroy something (like a lich) but to help her. Oh. I just love her SO much.   When I was done, I saw some commotion on deck. They were all absorbed in this quarrel on food and alcohol rations. Well, the latter, mostly. And I think Nixie and Verfys keep doing something regarding the cook, I have seen them very interested in him. Why, I don't know. Anyways, it seemed like a lively day on deck, this Drenizek guy was very loud in his desperation, something about the complete lack of alcohol. He's a very colorful character, Xebec has a weird taste in crewmates. I don't necessarily trust these people, but for now they seem competent enough.   A little later that day, however, something bad happened, because we found the Sylph was in pain. Her back had started to hurt again. I felt so devastated, I thought maybe the mask and everything would be more helpful. Verfys tried to say a little prayer and help her, but poor Verfys wanted everything to be fixed right away, and she was frustrated to see it didn't work out that way.... I understand her. I mean, look at this little bundle of pure goodness, how can anyone not try their best to help her!? (PULLLIUS YOU IMBECILE DO SOMETHING)   We tried to stay with the Sylph and just surround her with good feelings, maybe make her feel the presence of the Desolation less acute. I think that's the problem. She can feel it, the destruction, the curse. I don't know. She has to fight these feelings and prevail over them, but she is so pure I don't think she can battle such horrendous feelings. She needs our help, we are tainted enough to fight Evil. That's a little irony of the universe. The tainted can fight Evil, the pure would be oblivious to it. I think. Or I'm just a heretic, God, Eve, did you even learn religion?   I started to read my third book I had taken with me. "Letters to a Better Man" by Illien the Great. I love it. I think this man can explain almost every moral conundrum. I have to pause the action and explain something. I have decided my Sylph-destiny compels me to act on my Ael Velle and actually be of use. Bart also inspired me to be more. To sense more. I want to help them. I want to be strong. Maybe I'm a paper-girl and a small poppy, but I want to be a diamond-poppy so I won't break. I'll train hard and understand. Illien the Great is a beautiful start, he has a wonderful passage on how the Love that creates is ours to use as well, not just for the Almighty, but we are weak and we can't really create (except the miracle of birth, that's why women will always have the advantage -hah!) but we can mend what is broken. And by this, we can heal, just by touch. I was awestruck. I want to delve deeper in this.   Well, going back to the action, Verfys wanted to ask Bart and I about religion. Bart told her to basically simplify her thoughts and find faith easier than Verfys made it out to be. I agreed. I explained to her how I had complicated my life with books and philosophies only to find out the little I know by just letting go and finding the truth within my essence.   Then, out of the blue, the most random thing ever: one of the Goznians, Vadrek the... Skullbreaker I think they call him, told Verfys that the Almighty has "boys" who are lesser Gods and help him and started spewing out these confusing pagan ideas which Verfys started to absorb. I kind of panicked and was a little rude with him ( told him to ready a bath for me - Nixie had arranged warm-barrel-baths in the empty room, I know, amazing!). He was rude back (obviously) and was very curious to see why I believed there was only one God.   We wound up deciding to fight to each show what we meant by our faith. I had decided, on the spot, that I would beat him. But not by hitting him. I don't know. When I have these moments, I don't really use my poppy-brain, I use my nutcase-heart and go all in. I think Bart finally realised I am a crazy woman that should be thrown overboard. If he likes me after this, I'm really lucky.   We fought, indeed. He threw himself at me, tried to let him go all the way to the other side (And fall), but he was better than that. He struck me well, so I decided there was no point in ducking. I moved even closer. If he wanted to hit me, he should bloody well hit the paper-girl. Needless to say I received the fist of my life, I think I chipped a tooth. I felt blood in my eyes. I was scared I was going to die. But I was not going to let one fist beat me. I had to fight the Desolation, that was a fleabite by comparison. I mustered all my feeling. I had nothing in me, I'm a poppy, but I had other things going on. A Sylph to protect, a mission to accomplish, a fight to fight. The sword is silver because it is not forged of iron, or by human hands.   I can't believe I was still standing after that. The Goznian took me by the end of my shirt and lifted me up, saying that I'm the winner. All I could think of was how sore my face was getting. I wanted to cry, but somehow I didn't. I was able to limp to Bart and tell him I'm crazy.   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   He still wanted to come with me and have a BATH. I was so happy I forgot I had blood in my eyes and a chipped tooth and blood in my mouth and a sore face (well I washed up a little before going into the bath, of course). I never felt happier. I don't want alone-baths any more. I want baths with Bart. Long baths, but not relaxing.  

Dear journal,   I woke up. I can't sleep. I'm suddenly terrified. I don't know why. I had this great day, all these beautiful feelings, now they all scare me, I didn't do it the right way, I knew it, they will all judge this, I never wanted to be hated or despised even though I was, even though I will be.   I'll get back to sleep, I feel a little better. Probably. Did I just make things worse? I don't know anything yet.   I want to pray, but I'm afraid even of that. Am I that bad? Stupid-Eve jumping face first, I'll just ruin everything.. Please no, God who art in Heaven. I am not a bad girl. I really am not. If I am, smite me off this ship and save Bart and the rest. I'm a nutcase, forgive me.   If anyone were to read you, dear journal, they'd probably smite me off the ship, though.   ***   I keep waking up. I climbed on deck. I think it's morning, the fog is thick, like we are drifting through clouds. I do feel like a lonely rain drop here. It's cold and very, very humid, my skin is crawling water drops and shriveling at every new one, but I don't mind.   I'm all alone here, now. I have failed with Tali Pullius, now I am so afraid I have already failed with Bart. Why can't I be more secure, I usually have this mad-certainty kind of energy I simply lack now.   Did you know, dear journal, that there is an ancient story about rain drops falling on the leaves of a Dey-plant, one of those big-leafed shrubs which have two smaller, blue-ish leaves in the middle? Smooth surfaced and thick, all the leaves, except the blue ones. And water drops fall right off the normal leaves, but are caught in the blue ones. I don't really know why, maybe it brightens the color. I like to think that's the reason. And the legend - I think a Sea Peoples' legend - says that the rain drops falling off the Dey-plant are enchanted with curing powers if they fall right off the leaves, but are cursed if they fall from the blue ones. And as ages pass, the Dey-leaves that let the raindrops fall from their blue leaves curse the land, more and more. And its people, and its very gods.   And should one think that one needs more than one drop... No. A single raindrop falling can alter all. But the Dey-plant has no power in its own, neither has the raindrop.   And most drops fall off the big, chunky leaves. They do, and they return to the ground, happily springing as new leaves for the Dey-leaf.   But the ones who dare to fall from the blue leaves... They will never sprout, they will never breathe life.       I look at my skin, and I see it blue.

"Silence is our doom" - motto of the city of Marion   Dear journal,   It's late in the night, but the pitch black and mist aren't so bad any more. I'm alone on deck, no one noticed when I slipped out of my room. The girls were tired from their trainings. The Sylph surely sensed me leave, but it's fine, I am fully aware that she knows a lot about us already. Hi hi.   It's funny how the motto of my wretched city came to mind. I think I spent a few good minutes trying to find the quote. But I thought of something the Sylph said, that she disliked silence the most. I swear, it's amazing how perfect that was for me. I, too, hate it. But even now, in this mist, candlelight barely touching the paper, I feel no silence, I sense no mere comfort. There are drums, and trumpets, and songs, and marches, and... I don't know.   My heart is bursting. It's like I can't contain this all. But let's be organised, Eve, remember the Gavans... So let's tell the tale.   I was trying to get something written down in you, dear journal, and I had to stop and make you wait. I don't remember exactly what I wanted to write, but (very very very) thankfully it doesn't matter anymore. So I guess I'll just pick up from where I left.   I was alone in my room writing you, dear journal, when Bart came. He was very troubled, by me, obviously, since I probably looked like a sad little mop, again. I wanted to elude the obvious problems. He asked me if I was all right, I mumbled something. He then proceeded to tell me that he felt there was something wrong going on with me, and that the last two days especially have been a little weird for him, and that he feels that he had been cold with me (I completely agreed, but was afraid to know why he had been so).   I couldn't hide from his inquisitive eyes any more, so I had to tell him what was going on in my mad little mind. I told him about my thoughts with Talion, about how I broke up with him, about how guilty I felt and about how I then got rid of my problems, because Talion was not the one I thought he was, because I had.... well, the whole thing, I think I told him quite a lot, I usually don't talk that much. About personal stuff, at least.   He seemed to be very shocked. And confused. And completely unprepared. I liked that, because... I don't like when people come to a conversation with a ready script and a stable agenda, prepared to obtain some kind of result and knowing the exact steps. It's either fake, bland or... not deep enough. But I got him off his feet now, I felt that. Didn't really stay to think why, I saw the opening and I attacked: I asked him what was going on in HIS mind, since he clearly had his own troubles. Deflecting attention from your own madness, well played, Eve.   Can I stop, dear journal, and say that you were right? Just a random thought. Carrying on....   Yes, Bart was troubled. He told me why. He had tried to make me happy, he didn't want to see me sad, he didn't want to cross any bounds with Talion though, I figured. I was slowly starting to panic, for some reason. Then he threw the gauntlet. He said he likes me very much.   Probably it's obvious to you, journal. Shut up.   I couldn't face his eyes. A lot of things were going on in my mind. There were different, and very aggressive. Many of my thoughts concerned me being a whore, making Bart fall for me, being too cheeky around him, betraying Talion, being a piece of human trash for all of this... But some others just shouted "go and kiss him, dummy" and "grab his cute face and don't let go till you cover him with love" and "jump on him". I .... Yes. Yes. Yes. Nutcase-Eve can't acknowledge that I had fallen for him. To quote the wise, bu-hu. I couldn't have acknowledged. Just think about it, stupid journal. I had broken up with Talion, the man I loved for so long. How could I immediately fall for this other guy I had known for like a month!? But... Truth be told. I should've given up on Talion the moment.. sorry... Pullius... the moment he returned to Ionolia. I didn't, and hoped for something which was unattainable. And didn't stop and look around to see that Bart was really the only one to actually make me smile. I thought of him as a child and started deriding him for that in my journal, getting angry at him, slowly, slowly filling my head only with him. And whatever thoughts I had at the beginning (make Talion jealous, enjoy his company, get upset at him for comparing me with a demon and others) they were beginning to be everywhere in my head. Yes, dear journal, you got me.   Well, I think I barely listened to him in those precious few seconds. Too many stupid thoughts. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run away, very far away, for a month or two, and return and then kiss him then. Can you imagine my stupidity? I felt like i HAD TO wait, when my soul told me there was nothing to wait for. I just felt guilty and dirty.   I couldn't yet face his eyes. I started mumbling about something. Can you believe me that I barely remember, only half a day later, what I told him? I was saying some words, but it was just deadpan silence, in truth. I couldn't communicate anything. He then gently took my hand in his, and I felt the ship collapse all over me. I'm usually not this shy, I mean, I have a bad reputation to uphold, but... For the first time, I actually felt I didn't want my madness to screw this up. This man was... he was growing on me so much, and I couldn't allow myself to ruin him, or disappoint him, or...   But what to do? He said he likes me very much, he took my hand... What did he want? Obviously, me. Right? But... I was a drunken idiot last night. Help. There was no help anywhere. God, I felt so powerless. Normally I jump face-first into things, but now I was so fearful and ashamed and in the same time overcome.   I tried to calm down. I asked him about Talion. He did speak to him, I knew it! He wanted to offer his support to the idiot, as if... but he fancies me, right? His little swimming lesson, everything... He wanted to make me smile, but he was always afraid... Because I, the idiot, stayed with the bigger idiot, Pullius. Can you imagine the little drama I had created!?   Maybe it's little to others. To me, it was everything. I'm sorry, others, hate me, despise me, think me as a drama-whore-queen, or whatever. But I always feel a lot. I always take things as they should be. If it's not a strong feeling, it's not a feeling worth having. That's how I am, anyway. So obviously there was a lot of emotional pressure. But when I heard he had had the same problem, more or less... I felt somewhat safer.   I don't really know how, I looked into his eyes. I had, in the last minute, glanced at him from time to time, but in the same time I tried to make sure he didn't see that. Eh, garbage. Eve, you are a big girl. Well, a small-big girl. The following moments were kind of hazy, but I remember finally getting all filled up in those latter thoughts that had been bugging me. I think my heart wanted to leave my body, it was so anxious. but yea. I did it, well, both of us did. We leaned in and kissed each other, but you know, dear journal, not a small kiss, or a very violent fiery one. Something better than both. I had been waiting for that too much. I lost myself in it, and it wouldn't stop, God, so good that it didn't, it was the longest kiss I could imagine.   I will not start analysing what kisses mean, or why this kiss was soo soo sooo amazing. No sense doing that. Words emanate too much silence, sometimes. But now, I was hearing everything. Yes. I heard him, Bart. I heard him on my lips.   I had a small moment of fear, fear of the others, especially Pullius. But Bart quickly calmed me down. I looked into his eyes and simply stopped fearing. No way something like this could be seen as bad. They should just look into my eyes, and they would know.   Bart was saying that I shouldn't fear, but my mind was elsewhere. I was trembling and biting my lips a lot. He then said that he actually pretended to be worse at swimming than he actually was, and I said well we should still have a rematch of our little war. By the way, at this point I was completely out of any control. I never felt such a strong feeling before, I wanted to take him down and, I don't know, surround myself with him.   I think he said something about finding a way to get a rematch, even if not in the sea (because it's cursed). Yea, well. Bye-bye, Eve. I think I actually hit him very hard as we barreled from the bed onto the floor. I then received another kiss, and another. I am sure I bit him very hard on the neck, goddamnit, Nutcase-woman. I don't know, I was so stupidly and unstoppably happy there. I got to use my third vial from the Eve-care pack, the one I took just as an "if". Hehe. Glad I had it. It made everything perfect around us, just as it was with us. I was lost completely in his arms, I was just so happy and hungry. I wanted everything. He kissed me with the same drive. I don't even remember how we got to the point that I had to very carefully contain myself from, well, you know... screaming .Woops. Happy.   I still tremble with excitement. I am the happiest.   Cheeky.

"Clashing swords, a demon's laughter" - Neles Enir, in Poems of Sildenas   Dear journal,   We're once again on the move. There's little wind, still, but the ship at least travels. Still a thick fog, maybe thicker than ever, and while there are no voices to be heard in the mist, we can still see the shapes of men and animals, plants and buildings, forming up and dissipating in the air around us. To the right, the coast, rocky and grey, continues. It's all we know. I don't know how much we'll have to carry on, but we're as prepared as we can be. Well, most of us, at least.   I'm writing this from the perspective of the day before yesterday, which was quite the busy one.   You see, dear journal, it was a very calm day, with barely any wind. We almost didn't move. So everyone had plenty of time to spare, well, the crew I mean. I was happy to continue reading the book on runes. I'm now trying to read through the various accounts of ancient, pre-Gavan rune magic that have been inscribed there. Usage of runes was very, very old, but the Gavans meticulously extracted some core principles, invented a few others, and set about a whole discipline, from the ground up, which allowed them to do wonders with these carved symbols. Organised minds... I envy them. I wouldn't be able to do that with my own.   So, going back to the action (sorry journal, I'm a boring one), there wasn't really any action on deck, so it seems people (Nixie, our apparently mean but secretly sensitive elf sorceress who now wants to get along with her crew of "babies") had the plan to organise this tournament to liven people up, keep them high on morale, and generally have an excuse to get drunk.   We also got to have another session of sharing our thoughts and trying to understand each other. Verfi and Bart especially love these. They say we need them to prepare in our fight against demons and other evil powers. I know we need to be closer, and to be able to quickly help one another, and not keep things bottled up... Hah. Look at us. Many of us are hiding personal problems, it's not easy. But I guess we should stop doing that... I don't know if I can, not easily. I keep things to myself, usually.   Well, we talked about what our biggest like and biggest dislike is. I felt we all liked our new friendship (I didn't say it, because everyone was saying it, but it is nice, I'm just not used to that). The Sylph was with us and she said something so amazing. She said she likes cookies and people who give her cookies. Which is probably true literally, but also probably meaning a bit more. And she dislikes silence. Yes. I completely agree. It was overall a nice moment, I think.   After that, I was enjoying my boring (to others) Gavan book, with the Sylph beside me. I am sure she doesn't know Gavan, but I think she likes to see what I think of what I read. I can't see her, obviously, but she's studying me. She's very perceptive. I'm afraid I'll make her sad, because, truth be told, I am sad. Well, we won't delve into that, won't we, journal? I promised to myself I'll be orderly, like the Gavans, and keep stupid thoughts out, focus on reading, understanding...   Who am I kidding? I'm ignoring my own problems, like some kind of Talion. But I don't want to think about them, so don't pressure me, stupid diary!   Mhm, going back, I was reading when Talion and Bart both showed up in our room. Talion wanted to talk to the Sylph, with Bart some kind of... helper? I think? Probably Talion was too afraid to do it alone. Why were they together in this, I don't really know. I felt something stuck in my throat, somehow, when I saw them. They came with too many of my problems and thoughts. Why? Don't ask me why. Please.... I just wanted time to calm down, but I can't like this! When I saw them both together, there, I thought of my talks with Talion, and the swim with Bart, and I felt guilty, stupid and... well. I heard the giggles of my Ionolian "Friends": whore.   How could I love one man but only feel glad around the other? It's called being a whore, I guess.   Anyway, I darted out of there, leaving them alone with the Sylph. I really hope Talion gets to see how kind she really is, and start connecting with her. She needs him probably even more than she needs the rest of us. He's the one whose thoughts hurt her back then. I'm sure he's the key to making her feel better. So he better not hurt her again and he BETTER stop ignoring her.   I got to talk with the girls right after that. They saw me being a sad little mop in some corner somewhere and came to peer-pressure me. I'm mean. They wanted to help, but... I don't like talking to people about myself, but people never seem to get that, because, well, it's true I like attention. Ugh, Nutcase-Eve strikes again. Anyway, they told me to cheer up slowly, but surely, you know, actually DO something to cheer up, instead of brooding around my book. They did warn me that the Sylph is sad that I am sad. And that hurt, not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. Because I'm trying my best to take care of the Sylph, I must be spending 90% of my time around her, making sure she's comfortable, talking to her about stupid little stuff like flowers and interesting potions and the runes I read about and whatever Nutcase-Eve nonsense I can spew, and she's there with her little mask and her little light in her right eye probably smiling and being an altogether bundle of sweetness, and I don't want to mess it up... I really try to protect her. I even thought about trying to get her into some nicer clothes, I wanted to start working at some kind of new cape and a dress, maybe white, but I have no material, no loom of any kind, almost nothing, really... And I don't think she wants other clothes. I have no other idea, other than, well, being happy myself? The girls said it would help her. I know that, but... Goddamnit, how am I supposed to make others happy when I can't be myself!? It makes sense, that's the most annoying thing.   As I was thinking these thoughts while my head nodded and my mouth spoke some sounds, we heard Bart's cry. We immediately rushed back to our room, only to find the Sylph on her knees, in front of the bed, making a very heartbreaking sound. I assume she wanted to say something so bad, she didn't care that she couldn't speak. I hated myself in that second, because I couldn't help. Then I hated Talion, because I immediately realised he did something. Then I calmed down, but we had to see what was wrong with the Sylph. It seems Talion had said something about his former crew. They had fought, or, in any case, split up in anger, and left each other. Talion didn't even visit Damaschini in Ionolia (strange, right?) or their other crewmates, Mazog & Evhai, in Alomir (but Talion had the time to propose going to the library). Well, the Sylph cared about these crewmates and about their fight, so she was sad to sense that Talion still carried some grudges, I think. What a man. Can carry a grudge into the grave, but can't hold on to love for one second...   I was very emotional. But I got my act together and helped her reach her bed. She then did something incredible, she asked for a hug from Talion himself, and she hugged him so hard, a small piece did fall from her.... Even now as I write this a day later, I feel my eyes moist. Why is she so pure? How!? And this uni-dimensional, magic-spewing oaf can't even let go of some stupid grudge or whatever is in his mind? Who am I kidding? I should look at my own idiocy. I MUST change myself. The Sylph is my model. My Sylph-destiny may be more than just to bring her home and care for her. I know she cares for us all. She's like a child, but I bet she does have some very mature thoughts. In her childlike, innocent and pure way, she is wiser than all of us. What a being...   Well, after this swirl of emotions, we all got back to our business, as Nixie and the others were getting ready for the tournament. I wasn't particularly keen on participating in any party, so I stayed put. Some fights were about to start, and I saw Verfys, Heron, Bart and Talion join in the contestants. I watched some of them. Talion told us to call him Pullius, apparently in order to give up on his name, and the value he places on it, in order to find his true self. I can understand that now, but then I hated him for it, if only because him trying to find his true self seems hypocritical after how he treated me. He didn't tell us about this Pullius thing. It's weird how he randomly chooses to do this and that, at random times. And he wants to find his true self? Maybe if he started that earlier, he wouldn't have had to drag me along for this horrible ride of emotions. If Talion was the one that left me, Pullius is the one that clearly doesn't even know who I am. Maybe it's better. Oh, yes, it is.   Anyway, I don't like fights, I'm not a fancy-pansy, but I just don't particularly enjoy seeing two guys pummeling each other with fists. Granted, some of the fights were more than that. I got to see Verfi try to knock down our muscle-man Heron. They both seemed to have some smart tactics, but in the end Heron's grunt prevailed over Verfi's nimbleness. A good fight.   I resumed my reading through most of the other fights, though I did look up to see how the rest were doing. Bart duelled the ship herbalist, it was kind of easy for him to dance around him and hit him here and there, before the herbalist had enough. As for Talion, he fought the cook, almost got beaten, but managed to subdue his foe. The cook was visibly upset. Don't know why, but I think there's something about him. Can't put my finger on it.   Then we got to a very weird matchup. Bart vs Talion. I kind of felt sick again. I wanted to leave, well, because I felt it was an allegory... God, Eve. You idiot. Anyway, I stayed to watch, from afar. Bart got a very good start by taking the rope-ladder from the main mast and using it to stop Talion. Talion took out his belt and tried to use it against Bart, but then people started booing both of them for using weapons, so they dropped them. Bart gave Talion a very well-placed punch and then proceeded to keep the upper hand for the next minutes, as Talion tried to find his feet. Talion was more resilient, but he couldn't really find Bart in order to hit him. And then... They were tackled, on the ground, and Talion suddenly pushed Bart out so hard, Bart was propelled into the main mast. I remember wanting to scream, but I contained myself. Verfi was so shocked she fell off the ship. I tried to rush towards any of them. I saw Xebec take two huge steps towards the ledger and then jump into the water. I was running towards Bart. He was conscious, in one piece, but battered. I picked him up and tried to get him in our room. The others came as well.   We had a little talk with Talion. Apparently, he didn't want to do this. He just felt un unconscious urge to use up all his power on one move, or something like that. The demon, Axiol, was pulling his strings. Can you imagine living next to this man!? I can't. Not any more. I dreamt of being married with him, and ... Ugh. No, I'll stop rambling about stupid old dreams (they ARE old, like one-and-a-half years old, it's hard to dream of being married while being abandoned for a year by your would-be groom). I don't really want to say much more than this. We told Talion he should get his act straight, that it's dangerous to let a demon go so deep, and Bart...   I have to stop, dear journal, and warn you that I'm not falling for him. I am just stating some facts, no strings attached it's not that I fancy him, I just think he did a good job, so please don't judge this any other way.   Bart was incredibly composed. He told Talion he should get a grip, but in a nice way. And he told him they should stay in the same room, battle these unconscious thoughts together. I was really asking myself "hmm, what unconscious thoughts? Is it because of me? Well, obviously" and I felt guilty. But Bart really was amazing, I mean... I couldn't ask of him to be this nice to anyone who lets demons trigger unconscious powers to propel him into the mast, and yet he was nicer than I could imagine. He made all of us realise that it's time to stay together, more than ever.   We were all past the initial moment of confusion and anger. So we all got to fix it. Heron, Nixie and Verfi calmed the crew down and saved the party. I got to apologise to Talion for being a true Demon-Eve. I think he needs to know I don't hate him. I don't. I can't hate the man I adored for so long. But I now see him in a truly different light.   As the party resumed, well, yes, the tournament was over. We still had something to talk about, as a group. It seems Heron wants to take over as party leader. I don't think Talion needs this, he does like to be the voice of authority, but it's true we can't really trust him. But maybe that's why we should trust him now. I don't know. I found the whole topic repugnant, at the time.   They started playing a game to determine the winner. A riddle-drinking game. I got involved a little. I don't know. I didn't like last night. They were all having a good time, but I couldn't. I couldn't face sweet Sylph either, not in my state. My sadness would've hurt her. So I took my new friend - the bottle - and had a little chat. Whores usually get drunk, I hear.   Bart was somewhere, I don't know. Not around. He came after me later in the night. I was too dizzy to understand exactly what I was doing, but still sober enough to understand I was making a fool of myself. Still, I managed to one-up myself and fall into the water. Bart and Heron jumped and got me out, they gave me some clothes and I went to sleep. I remember thinking only this: now Bart knows I'm a despicable piece of garbage. Maybe it's also better. Yes.   I remember seeing weird shapes in the pitch-black water. Where was the light from the ship, or anything? I don't know. The darkness was devouring. But the lights down there... Ugh. This water is indeed bad news. Hope none of us falls again. Poor Verfi.   I am alone in my room now. The Sylph was by my side, but she went away. I can't face the others. I'm trying to hide behind my big Gavan book, hehe, big enough to cover my sad face. Talion Pullius probably forgot about me, but it's ok, I feel that I have overcome that bridge. I am cured of him, once and for all. After last night, I realised how weak-mindedness can ruin people easily. I decided to be strong. I have the Ael Velle flag next to me. I am tough-cookie-Eve now. So, no more brooding. Talion is gone, now he's Pullius anyway. I loved him, yes, but I didn't see how I was hurting myself in doing that, or how he barely seemed to understand or really, truly, care; I don't love him at all any more. Strange, right? My feelings were pure, I know that, but what's purity when there's nothing to put it in?   I just wish I hadn't made such a bad impression on some people. It's fine, I can fix it, I hope, after all I ....     *smudge*

"God lives even in the Desolation of Iziper" - Great Ordinator Illien the Great.   Dear diary,   I have returned from a very interesting walk. I write this on the deck of the ship, by the light of a single candle, while all around me these strange mists of the Western Desolation rise and fall. Yes, we made it.   But I have to go back a couple of days, to get the whole picture.   I didn't write anything after that morning when we left Gessen. I just felt tired. Woke up and found some flower at my doorstep. Hmmmmmmmmmm. More on that later.   In the end, I hoped for better from this whole thing, but actually I think it came pretty close to the best possible scenario. You see... That night, as we were drifting on the open water, sails furled, we had this great group discussion on our greatest fears and angsts. To get to know each other better, to help each other, stay ready, you know, in case of, well... demons. 'cause we will meet this kind of problem, we are all sure of it. I can still hear that damned demon's ringing in my head, from back then.   Anyway, we all shared something. Verfi talked about her fear of losing her friends. She seems to have an incredibly sad story, makes me feel small for complaining. I swear. She's very strong, though, I mean in all aspects. I wonder how she coped. Probably Nixie helped. She comes from a war-torn land, abandoned by her mother, her friends dead on the battlefield. So yes, she has doubts, all too understandable. I admire her very, very much. Won't tell her that, though, I don't know how to be soft.   Nixie talked about her home, her parents and her country. The war she and Verfi ran from could very well be ongoing, still. And she is worried. We all left home, but I know some of us didn't want to, or still want to go back. I would only go back to visit father, for a bit. I don't feel any kind of homesickness. But Nixie does, so I hope one day we'll go back to her home and see her family all well. I'm sure they are. Elves are strong beings, I don't underestimate them.   Heron talked about his family's honor, and how he could not restore it. He fears that he can't do it not because he's not a good enough person, but because no one would listen. I knew there was something about him!! I think he's silly. What matters is to be true to yourself, to your family's beliefs, to honor in general. And he's as honorouble as they get. I remember there was this Woranian family that had a motto "Honor above all" and they came from the same place as Heron, Montarnas. Maybe it has something to do with him, but as far as I can tell that family is still very much in power, so, no, they must be some other people.   Anyway, we also got two words from Xebec, who was suddenly very grumpy about it. He has some secret, some very dark secret, maybe. I don't know. He didn't want to talk about it. Seems to have this fear of curses, or maybe not fear, but hate. More than the usual person would have. I'm sure we will find out more about it, because Nixie is very insistent on the subject.   I started trembling as people moved to me, because I had no intention of spilling the beans on the whole Talion story. With Talion and Bart there, watching me. I felt horrible. I mumbled some lie about us being too weak... I felt stupid and pathetic. They would all think I'm a wimp, or some kind of power-hungry idiot who thinks only might prevails. When I'm NOT. So I had to retract, somehow... but how could I be honest? I was so embarrassed...   Thankfully, I saw Talion bail out from it completely, like the wimp he is, and it gave me courage. I did say the truth, albeit in more general terms. No mention of Talion. Was smart enough to say it all without saying his name or referencing him. I was relieved.   I had a small moment when Bart started speaking, I don't know why I kind of feared he'd say something about our swim together. I keep having this nasty feeling about it. As I previously stated - I'm a nutcase. Bart did say something interesting, though. He said he himself had been a little unwanted, all his life. Moving from place to place. With no family to actually care for him. Well, a father he didn't meet and a mother who didn't really care all that much, and a step-father who wanted to use him. And now he is scared he still is unwanted.   Bart really has this huge depth I never saw before. I am so bad at judging characters, must be getting rusty. I mean, I knew he had a good heart. But he seems to have this fear of unlikeableness which explains all his goofy mistakes, in a way. Kind of like I used to think of Talion. Only that I was wrong about Talion. Now I know that.   I really hope he finds out, truly, that he is very likeable. Not just to us. You know, journal, to special people. He who has no parents may yet find the love of a good wife. I wish that for him.   Anyway, it was a nice talk. By the way, Talion said he doesn't like to play this "game", which I think further proves that he doesn't understand anything. So, after the "game", I had a talk with the girls, Nixie and Verfi. I knew it! I had blown my cover, and they sensed my damsel-drama. Horrid. I had to belittle myself in front of them with my stupid personal problems. But they were very kind and patient and helped. Oh, they said the flowers probably come from Bart. That's bad I wanted to write bad but it's not bad I mean he's just a sweet. He knows how much of a nutcase nightmare I am right now with Talion and all, I know he respects that, so I don't hold it against him. Does he like me so much, though? Maybe he just is afraid I don't like him, and that's why he sent me some flowers. Or maybe it was Talion all along, although I doubt it. Do I want him to like me more? Yes. Damn it. Same mistake, Eve, same mistake, you say, journal. I know. Shut up.   Anyway, the girls were great. The essentially said this to me: do what's best for you. Live. Open your eyes, see, and help yourself. I was going down this horrid spiral. Thank you, girls. I will buy you some meat and materials for painting. Hih.   The very next day, I gave Talion his ring back and told him it's over. I'm done waiting for him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He doesn't know it, probably will never (because he's thick as the mist of the Desolation) but I went back in my cabin and cried for 4 hours straight. Ugly-cry, you know. The kind of thing were your body hurts so much afterwards. Now I feel better, but back then I was .... Yes. Well, I hope he won't hate me. I just hope that... I know I made the right choice, because I can't be the only one bringing in something. If he's going to be absent and distant and fearful... He can do that alone.   I heard that a huge black ghost called a Lady of the Sea had attacked our boat. Can you believe, journal, that I was crying so much I didn't even hear!? They had to fight her, and the Black Sylph actually came on deck, drew this huge sword of shadows, and cut the spectre in half like a slice of cake. Imagine the power of this small little being. I wasn't there to help her, though... I feel very, very, very bad.   We rushed back to her room to see if she was alright (by this point I had heard the commotion, had dried my tears and had come to them). She was not alright. Small pieces, black, light and horribly dry, lay on the floor. Like charcoal. Poor her.... a finger.... there was a small little finger on the floor, all blackened and dry. I immediately burst into tears, but I hid it well from the others, by rushing back to my room, slapping my face a couple of times and returning. They must never see me this weak. I'm not like this usually. I was just very emotional that day.   The sylph was not alright. She only has THREE fingers now.................................. three. I am at a loss of words, even now. Piece by piece, she is chipped away from us. I don't know what to say. I'll make her stay in her bed forever. I can't let her harm herself by fighting our battles....   I don't blame anyone for her state. I just wish Talion would do more, since he was the one whose feelings hurt her so badly in the beginning. I realised we needed to protect her from the Western Desolation and its curses. So I sew her this nice pillow that looks just like a cookie. I'm so proud. I feel like a mommy, in a way, but that's not bad. It's actually a good feeling.   We then all pitched in to make a new mask for the sylph. So she could feel safe around us. And also to feel our care. I think that magic can work a little even when users are not versed in it like Talion. Maybe some protective little marks on the mask would help hold Death at bay. As Bart said, we need to shield the Sylph with life. So we drew these nice things on her little mask. I a poppy-sword, because it's my Sylph-destiny to bring her home. And Nixie gave her wings again, this time on her eyes, and Verfys drew a circle of hands (she listened, she's very perceptive, our fire-girl), and Bart drew a lyre with a musical note like a cookie (he actually did a nice job drawing it). We were all trying our best there, and I think we got a good job done.   At that point, we had been engulfed in mist for quite some time. The Western Desolation is horrid. And in that mist, we started seeing carts, and people, and trees, mountains, roads, gates, cities. the Empire itself, sprawling all around us. Great, rich, but humble and warm in the same time. MEmories. Imprints of lost souls, as Bart put it. Quite a scene. I preferred ghosts and ghouls. They are scary, so you kill them. Or destroy them, actually. But this... it was just sad. Very, very sad. Thinking about all those souls claimed by Man's greed, power-lust and anger.   We finally got through the mist and into a bay. Iziper bay. I know a lot about the city itself. Old is Iziper, 3000 years old to be more exact. A First Empire relic, then an Alghazian outpost into Texxoria, finally a great city with its own kingdom. Absorbed into Alghazia, then into the Empire. Now.... it was almost intact, as if life had simply disappeared from around it, but all else remained. A grey, empty, damp desolation.   Curiosity drilled through me. I HAD to see this. A city frozen in time. Yes, all was grey and cursed, but the city was beautiful, in a way. And very sad. I wanted to see more. Naturally, no one is a nutcase. Except Bart. He wanted to go, too. The shorty-boy and the feeble-girl. Works for us. We went. Rowing a boat down to the harbor and then on the main alleyway, the Golden Street. They used to carry gold from the Izkan mountains in the north all the way here, and make jewelry. I talked to Bart about history, possibly bored him to death, I sure hope not. I don't want to be boring. I hate boring people.   We even found a flag from the Ael Velle. Bart must know by this point that I'm obsessed about Illien the Great and his exploits, including the Ael Velle. I took the flag with me.   We even got to climb the watchtower of the Venki-sen monastery in Iziper. The monastery itself was mostly ruined by the attack of the undead. I expect the lich who took Iziper annihilated the monks after a very intense fight. We got to see a whole country grey, destroyed, desolate. But not completely ruined. Maybe this frozen empire, this cursed, damp, grey empire is a reminder to us that even where evil is everywhere, hope may be just around the corner. Maybe a small plant may yet sprout from the dead earth. Maybe these buildings may yet again bloom in colour. That's what Illien the Great thought.   It was a bittersweet feeling. Much like the feeling I get now from my own position. I think I will be a little better. I sure hope so. The others will catch on soon, they will find out about Talion and I. I must watch out. I don't want them to talk to me about it. I just need to be alone with the Sylph perhaps and just read, and think.   But yes, I did enjoy that walk quite a lot.

"Something" - someone   Dear journal,   I'm in no mood for quotes today. It's a sunny but windy morning, and Xebec the captain rushed us all to board the ship. We leave Gessen for a third time, and heading for the Western Desolation for the second. Hopefully we'll make it past the Fools' Peninsula this time. Xebec plans to go through the middle of the sea to avoid any undead. Then return to the coast and follow it westwards.   I ... It doesn't matter. I think we both know what is more important. The day before.   It was not my greatest day. By a longshot. You see, dear journal I'm starting to hate (not your fault), we had arrived in Gessen port after two days at sea, returning from Vazakis. But before we arrived I had some kind of heartfelt talk with Talion, about everything.   I think he was worried about how I felt after being electrocuted twice in those damned mines. You know, making sure I'm not dead, so he could resume ignoring me. I showed him I was very much alive. In better days, I would've kicked him in the family heirloom (no, not his ring or his sheets), but now I just felt tired. Maybe it was the lightning, maybe it was Talion, maybe it was everything at once.   He was sorry he couldn't protect me, it seems. That was his entire shtick. Sorry I couldn't protect my wee little poppy, that always gets plucked. As Verfi would say, "bu-hu". I don't care about being protected. If anything, I hate being protected. I chose to enter those stinking mines out of my own volition, I wanted to feel I was part of this. No matter how weak I am, I can still do things, even if just with my mind. He doesn't seem to understand my choice. Also, he doesn't seem to understand the real problem. He was upset he couldn't save me from the world. I mean.... That's his problem? Saving me? Maybe he thinks his "Duty" is to protect his princess, locked in some tower, from the dragon. Thanks. I feel very safe from my prison. The prison of my own loneliness, where you keep me.   Dear journal, I told him that. I told him all of this and more, to his face. And his reactions said it all. Yes, he's awkward with any kind of words, but usually that was cute. It's not cute when you start realising he really doesn't have ANYTHING to say. He started rambling about what he liked about his journey with Liyaria and the rest of his old party, at some point. Huh? What was I to say. I almost burst into tears in front of him.   Sometimes I feel like he wants me to come to my knees and beg him, to stay put and worship him, love him, smother him. I told him that. I asked him "do you like to see me so weak?" and he said "I don't like to see you weak. I like to see you." ... Did he, though? did? he? no. He wants ME to care for him while he does nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe throw in a "let's see my library" and "What do you like most from our travel? I found the Monument of Life to be the most beautiful thing I had seen until then". Yes, while I poison my own soul with grief, regret, fury and desperation. I just wanted him to love me back. Is that so hard? Do I ask so much!? What does he want?? Anything at all?....   I'm not like this. I don't want to be like this. I need to smile. If I can't smile.... I'll die.   Dear journal, I didn't die. I'm still alive writing now. Maybe I'll die a little later. I mean, probably, given where we're going. I'm not ready to die, but I kind of expect it now.   Well, I did get to smile. You see, when we arrived in Gessen, we first checked up on the Black Sylph. She's so nice. I wish I could do something for her. I'm thinking... anything that can show her we care for her. She's a very, very fragile being, but so pure. If angels were children, I'd say. Maybe angels ARE children. Innocent, simple and pure. Well, she's not an angel, but she is anything but black, or dead. I feel her very much alive. Yes, maybe not in a conventional sense, and she has no physical feeling, but I know she feels strongly, very strongly, in her heart...   So... I was worried about the Black Sylph. I keep thinking about her. I don't know what to do. She's a unique being, I don't think anyone else can get to her, she's so shy. it's a miracle she's with us... but we hurt her, the Desolation hurts her, and there's nothing we can do, now. We are the only ones that can help her. I feel it's our job to heal her. My Sylph-destiny. Our. Far better than the peach-one.   We walked for a bit. She wasn't there, visibly, but I knew she followed me in her world of shadows. I told her we all like her very much and we all want to see her return home. She seemed to like it, because I heard some kind of giggling. She appeared out of her shadow world and grabbed my hand with her own tiny hand. She's so sweet. I feel so sad because of her state. I don't know...   She left, eventually, and I was all alone with my feelings. I had a lot of them. I felt continuously bad for trying Talion like that. Maybe I'm too fussy. I should be glad I even got to tag along. Maybe I should just be happy for all I have right now, and continue to love him and wait for him to love me back. Eventually. Obviously, that was not a good thought. But at that point I was too much engulfed in self-guilt.   I was alone on this promontory, watching the sea as the sun went down. Then suddenly I heard someone sit near me. I thought it was the Sylph, but it was Bart instead. Initially I wanted to leave and go farther, but Bart was actually very sad too and I felt he had something to say, so I listened. It seems he wanted to apologise for some comment he made while Talion got knocked out by magic down in the mines. He said something like "you like this too much" when I was trying to wake him up with a few slaps. Well, he was a total fool then. And he apologised for demon-Eve, too. He was so honest, I felt he is just a bad joker with a good heart.   I kind of regret saying he has wits but no brain. I think he is immature, that's for sure, but not all the time. He... Uh. Oh. Well. He made me smile. It was a nice evening.   I immediately felt guilty. I could've spent this time with Talion, but... Talion wouldn't have made me smile, probably. That's bad. That's very bad. Don't worry, journal, I'm not falling for Bart or anything. He's just nice. I just hope he never finds out I like blondes. It's bad enough he got that I enjoy his company. It'd be worse if he found out I enjoy his looks too. He's cheeky, hope he doesn't do something.   I had another talk with Talion in the night. I wanted to calm down after that nice evening with Bart at the sea. Oh yea we even had a good time swimming, well, floating. Well, just me floating, Bart wasn't so good. Oh God, I went into the sea with him, I was far more cheeky than he ever was... God, Eve. Stop it.   Anyway, I had gone to the sea late in the night, to cleanse myself. I needed some kind of reset. Calmness, and peace. And a good bath. I left my clothes on the seashore and went in the warm water all naked. That's the life. I love it. Just as I was floating around, I saw someone near my clothes. It was him. Talion. Why? I don't know.   I wanted to run. Run away from him. But I had no clothes on. I had to take them? How? I couldn't. Maybe sneak behind the camp and borrow something from the rest. But Bart was singing there. No way. I had to face Talion. I did.   He let me dress myself (at least that) and then we went back. I wanted to have a walk, now that I had to talk to him. Maybe see what really went through his mind. But he wanted some tea, and gave me some too. I said I didn't want any... He never listenes.   Nevermind that. The whole thing was.... I cried a lot that night. I think I cried the entire night. I even shed a tear while talking to him. You know, dear journal, I wanted him to kiss me that night. One last shot. One last push to finally see that he does love me, that he does want me. Well. It was for naught. He is so scared of me... Like I'm demon-Eve. Maybe I am some kind of monster to him. He said I'd been awesome to him... Hm.   I don't want to talk about it. The discussion. Of all things in this world, it was the thing that made me feel I look forward to dying. Well, after we get the Sylph home, that is. He showed his colors. Has no power of love, maybe. He only fears me. He only thinks about his mistakes, not about me. Only negative thoughts, nothing positive... He doesn't want it. Well... I told him I love him. He says "I love you too". With the most unconvincing voice in the world. I can't. I can't do this...   Last straw was when he said he wanted to be with me more than I wanted to be with him. So... Yes. Dear journal, you are a testament to the contrary. One day, I'll make sure he'll read you, page by page, front and back. Maybe he'll understand.   I don't know what I should do. I want to get away, but in the same time, I owe him a lot. And I l o v e h i m. Why? I don't know. I hate this. I want myself back.   Maybe we will all die before we even get the the Desolation. I fear it. I really fear it. I want to live and feel from someone else what I feel for Talion. Maybe I don't deserve it, but I still want it bad.

"Magic shouldn't be taken too seriously" - Great Ordinator Laranys Bardiz.   Dear Journal,   We finally arrived on Vazakis island. It was a pleasant journey from Gessen. We now prepare to go to the tin mines and maybe find that wizard's lair I read about. Hope it'll help them. I don't want to lead them into a dud. There's no time to waste, I really hope it counts.   No money to even move. We had to make our own torches, so Bart went to get alcohol from people, through his singing. He rushed so much when I told him I'd be disappointed if he'd fail. Hehe. Music is, after all, a universal language. A magic, of sorts. I like this term Verfys uses, Magic men. It sounds so delightfully simple. I think I'll use it. To me, Bart is a magic-man of sorts, I'm not sure if he sees himself that way, but he does seem to know more than he lets on. He's really funny, makes a day brighter. That's magic, as far as I'm concerned.   Well, not as potent as arcanic magic or runes. So yes, we would face those. As it happened, we found ourselves in front of 5 different mine entrances, and we had to choose. We started to delve into these intricate systems of rails and tunnels. There, we found a series of complex runes, which seemed to be connected, in pairs. Each rune system had an orb, some with rubies, some with sapphires. Order versus chaos. Poetic, in its way. I think most wizards are also a little poetic. Magic has its lyricism. Yes, we were in the lair of another Magic-man.   The runes themselves were puzzling to us, not in the least to Talion, who seemed to have gone through the School of Magic like the spring flooding through the river bed. Well, he knew some things, enough to get our minds going. So it seems two runes were linked via the rail system itself, and 2 other pairs, through walls. And they kept each other in contradiction.   I will try to replicate the runes here:   Very interesting, right? I always found runes fascinating. I mean... the Word is such an important part of the world. The Almighty created by speaking the words: let there be. So say the wise ancients. Even the polytheistic faiths of old had the same dynamic. Words, which shape creation. And runes are words for magic, and magical effects. And they speak texts of immense complexity, when properly done. And these runes were properly done, that's for sure.   We had to use our own magic to alter the runes, but they hit back with these huge lighting bolts, and we all got a little... fried. I, quite a lot. It was horrible. I blacked out completely, and it seems I drifted away for quite a while. When I woke up, they were all over me, trying to find out if I was alright, but I could barely speak, my jaw was so clenched. From the bolts. I remember sleeping a lot afterwards. Truth be told, I kind of lost memory of what exactly was going on, but I remember telling them to split so we could influence both runes of the pair in the same time. I think. It worked, since these runes could be made to not be in contradiction with one another. That de-activated them, and opened some magic doors. So we could continue deeper in the mine.   Well, I realized I kind of jumped across several scenes. I have to point out, dear journal, that I was horrible in these mines. A small poppy flying around and getting hurt by every small sharp rock on the way. Big guy Heron however did take good care of me and probably saved my life twice. I owe him quite a lot now, and it's weird because he only smiles and nods there. I mean, I like him, but how am I supposed to return the favour? He's so simple, and yet... I know he has his own sadness. I don't know how to repay him in any meaningful way yet. I'll try to find some way, I'm sure I'm smart enough for it. I hope.   Getting back to the main problem... After opening the magic doors, we then had to cross this area between two pillars, which obviously was some magical device. A singularity of lightning bolts appeared from these magic-infused stones on the sides, when Verfys tried to cross, and hit her and all of us, including the orbs we took from the runes (why oh why). I had to think quickly so I tried to use Bart's rapier to connect stones from one side between each other. I remember from reading a book on fire magic that lightning bolts are attracted to metal and can travel through it more easily. And those stones were all blue, while the stones on the other side were red. And the bolts went from one colour to the other. So obviously I had to make the bolts travel from blue to blue. That way the balance of the magical device would break. It did, somewhat. But I got fried again....   I remember running away from the dungeon, to the sound of hundreds of tiny claws gnawing through thick rock. Back on the surface, I found how we took a nice orb from the wizard's chamber, which had been located beyond the singularity. It seems the Singularity had been destroyed, after Verfys, Heron and Nixie replicated my initial idea. I'm glad I could help them, however small and fried that help was. But I heard Verfys had gotten fried by some weird dead rats, moved by contionous impulses of lightning bolts. Horrid... Well, I made sure to treat their burn wounds, at least. One out of three "Eve care" vials gone. Two left to go, hih. Poor Verfys, had to throw herself into a pile of rats in order to get them out, it seems. I was outside, still fuming from that bolt. I can't remember seeing any rat. I was probably too dead.   After Talion and Nixie asked for the wizard's orb, it was decided that Nixie would carry it, with Talion as secondary user. Good choice.   We returned from the mines in a good mood. I had lived through two near-death experiences, but I was alive and well. To think how I read about great adventures, and now I am part of one. I'm lucky. I really am.   The boat is quiet. By the Almighty.... I was reading through the Gavan book we found in the wizard's library, a book on runes... and Talion and Bart both come towards me, Bart kinda wants to go back, since I think he wanted to read but realized he didn't know Gavan.. and Talion says he would like to learn Gavan. Yes. To read his goddamn book. I wanted to throw his goddamn book in his goddamn head or maybe in the water. Go swim for it. Gavan. Go learn Gavan. I barely heard a word from Talion. Yes he was worried about me getting fried. But as soon as I was back on my feet... Gone. Just gone.   What a magic-man.   No peaches today. My peach-destiny has fallen. I'm sad.

"The World's an odd number, and I'm the one left out" - Tais Moldareon   Dear diary,   We are travelling to Vazakis island. It's a rocky place outside of Dushen. Not particularly interesting or nice, save for one small detail: a tin mine turned wizard's lab, about which I read in a book on magical research in Dushen. Why did I read such things? Well, I was curious about the methods. I mean, magic is so much more than simple math or chemistry or history. It's this blend of physical and spiritual, God and nature, human and meta-human. I admire all those who pursue it, and envy them.   I remember how I watched for hours how Talion trained in the arcanic arts. He used to do it very often in the park, late at night or early in the morning, and I would go with him to keep him company, encourage him and, maybe just a bit, understand something myself. But mainly I wanted to be around him.   Gone are those days.   I write these notes almost at a loss of words. I don't know. I am trying to understand how I got here, but I can't. For one whole year, I've been dreaming of him, first with hope, then with despair, then with spite, but always HIM. And I can't dislodge this weirdly powerful feeling that I want him around, or, rather, that I want him to like me. To feel me. To embrace me. To glance at me, maybe, in the way I glanced at him.   "You just love attention, Eve". That's what my friends told me back then.   Maybe. Who knows? I'm this hubris-filled creature always trying to be the center of attention. Like me please, or leave. Something like that.   I can't do anything about it. I stay here, in a corner, a forgotten something. Taken with, but not really. Why did Talion take me with him? I don't know. I can't leave him at that, I can't say no. I can't go back, that's for sure. To people who would see me as nothing short of some castaway, dishonourable woman. Yes, I bedded him. Numerous times. Cry.   I do cry, to be honest. I regret it so much. But it's too late. Now I can't do anything. Talion said we'd get married. He took me with him. He wanted to show me the library he left me for. Now he continues on his journey, our journey, really, to stop this impending doom. To find out why the world seems to draw to an inevitable bloodshed. Maybe save it from that.   I know I can't dwell on my own pesky, egotistical, narcissistic feelings. But... I am too alone. I mean I am physically in pain. Humans can't live like this. Talion stays away from me. I wonder if he cares. Or wants to be as we were. Once. Maybe I fantasize too much, and it wasn't that great. Come to think of it, he was always a little distant. He liked his studies, he practiced his magics, he went out to parties with me as well though, and walked with me, and made love to me. But, truth be told, it wasn't like I heard it in the good novels. I sound like the most adequate pathetic little princess, but I want true love. The whole package. I want to feel the physical and spiritual fire that makes a continuous need and that gives continuous satisfaction and completeness when you are together with the one you love.   So, yeah, I'm far away from all that. Granted, I'm far away from the snobs and hypocrites who used to deride me. But, that's not life. It's survival.   I sound like a real mediocrity. I should focus on the world's ending. Yeah. And take care of the Sylph. She has it really bad, not like me. I'm just a spoilt brat, like Bart.

"Lines of dust adorned the sky, and I thought I had arrived in Hell. I prayed, but prayer couldn't even lift from my lips." - Ventyr Manteks, in his "On the Ael Velle"   Dear journal,   I struggled quite a bit to remember this quote. Manteks is a very good story teller, but I selected an unusually long passage from his book on the Holy War because, well, I think both stances are important. You see, we had finally departed from the Monument of Life and onwards to the Western Desolation.   It was a bright day, so we enjoyed our last time out in the calm, blue seas. We knew, all of us knew, that we would soon reach a land of terror. It could be felt. For now, no shores, only some very distant and small mountain peaks somewhere. But we knew.   It was a tense day, as such. I still talked to Bart about how to please people and not make them hate you. He has a lot of street-smarts and tavern experience, but with both lowborns and highborns, so quite diverse. I wish his brain were as high as his wit.   We were all curious to see what lay ahead of us. Heron and Verfys trained on deck, they have a very strict schedule as they try to get stronger and stronger. Admirable, not that I will ever be able to do any of that. hah. I saw Heron carry two crates at a time. I'd be smashed to pieces by holding just one.   Nixie is reading this interesting book on river magic. I will ask her about it, it sounds like an interesting read. Not that I want to learn spells (I can't, probably, do any), but river magic is very ancient and probably not even human.   As for Tallion, God knows whatever he is doing. Playing with his wand, I suppose.   As the sky darkened, because night was coming, we saw a weird mist ahead. Then we suddenly entered it. It was... Just as Manteks said it. Eerie, silent. But then, voices in Gavan. A horse riding on the mist. Memories and images, of long ago. Stamps left by thousands of years of civilization, ruined by Man's incessant greed and desire to beat God at His own game.   It was bad enough to be there, alone. Only that... As we were sailing around the Fools' Peninsula, we practically bumped into what seemed to be a fleet of 3 or 4 ships. Purple lights came from the shore, shining from the skulls of hundreds of undead. Poor bodies. I wonder what their souls feel, as their bodies are shamed and desecrated like that. Well, no time to think about THAT. Nixie invoked the winds, and off we went in whatever direction was opposite. Because they were coming for us.   We were fast, but they were just as fast. Seems a powerful lady necromancer, Seraph, was heading the ships. 25.000 gold bounty in Dushen. She also knew Talion. Cute. Talion has many nice lady acquaintances. But this one didn't seem to enjoy his company. Well, as we ran, she fired bolts of distructive fire on us, shooting down the main mast and almost bringing down the front one as well. She also blew holes in the back of the ship. Talion took to the sky, then, and did what I heard only the bearers of Light can do. He engulfed himself in the fire of his own spirit, and through him flowed the magic of the sky, and the Light erupted in the shape of two huge lightning bolts. Well, 4, because Talion had mirrored himself. The bolts ruined the main ship of the undead, and stopped Seraph from throwing those fire blasts.   I feel quite a bit of shame, because it was this holy, pure, moment. But I must admit I felt very, very attracted to him after he descended from the sky.   Don't worry, journal, he very quickly reminded me why I shouldn't.   We drifted across the sea, limping back to Gessen. We couldn't go back. Thankfully, no one came after us. We have to patch the ship. So we needed money. Naturally, we had none. I had assumed Talion would have more money than this. Had I known, I would have asked father for a loan. He's not using his money anyway.   Well, since we had to make money, we proceeded to give out whatever we could. I had to give up the necklace my father gave me when I was little. Uh. I'm sorry, father. Really sorry. I know you must think I'm a terrible daughter. But I don't need a necklace to know you truly love me. Plus, I'll get it back. I remember EXACTLY whom I gave it to. Some nice lady, an inhabitant of Gessen. Hopefullly, she won't sell it to someone else. And if I can't get it back, well, that's about it. I'll buy you something. You deserve it, even if you think I'm worthless. Or is it me who thinks that? I can't remember.   Anyway, I gave up the necklace. And Xebec gave his nice captain's hat. Hm. And Verfys wanted to give one of her Damashini-swords, but we told her not to do it. Bart gave up his nice pants. I thought maybe he planned to face the undead in his underwear, which would work, pants encumber running. Heh, I'm bad. I'd run too. It's not like I can fight these undead. Though, if they really piss me off, maybe I'll land a hit or two.   The Black Sylph gave up her own mask, a very interesting-looking wooden mask, painted dark green. While it didn't look like it had any magical properties or the like, I knew in my heart that it was very important to her, personally. I mean... And I really gave it a lot of thought... The Sylph wanted to stay hidden from us and the world. How she fell on that ship, I don't know, but she was hiding until then. And that mask protected her. She said that she doesn't want people to see her face. I believe a terrible curse afflicts her. Little morcels of her, darkened pieces like lumps of coal, had fallen off of her when we took her to the Monument of Life. It's as if there's barely anything holding the body together, if not for the spirit. I am sure the Sylph has an innate connection with the magical world around us and within us all. It means she has a connection with God, the likes of which we don't. Otherwise she would be dead. And hiding this keeps this tension between life and death in balance. I don't know. Anyway, giving up the mask means taking a risk, exposing herself if only symbolically, which means putting this connection in danger, by breaking the balance. Maybe. It's a big deal.   And Talion gave up his... sheets. Yes. Well, technically, he didn't even take them with him. Turns out Verfys had taken them from his Marion home, to be used as second-hand sails, if needs be. And Talion was very upset because Verfys stole from his house. Fun fact: the sails were for all of us. Well, I understand it's weird, and Verfys does seem the impulsive type, but... was it SO important? In the context of an Apocalypse, when you go to a journey that may very well claim your life, well... and all when everyone pitches in with some valuable, he HAS TO mumble some discontent while giving up on some damned sheets that he didn't even know he had!!!!   I just can't express how angry I am at the world. God, please, I don't want to sin, but I can't help but wonder: why did You give him, him of all people, the Light? Why? I know sinners are the first to learn faith. But that's the thing. Talion is not the sinner who turns to God and becomes His greatest soldier. Talion is the schoolboy goody-two-shoes who never seems to sin, and always sneers at the sinners around him! How can he understand magic, how can he accept the Light, when he can't accept some damn sheets being taken from him to be used for him!??!! To keep him and all of us alive!?!?   I don't know what that School of Magic does to you, maybe they morph you into 2 personalities.   One thing is for sure. I wish I could understand myself. Maybe then I'll get rid of Talion. I'll have to talk to him. I can't stand him. I want to whip myself. Why did I want so badly to jump in his arms and kiss him, just a day ago? Why am I such a horrible person?   Even now, I can barely write, I'm so angry.

"Ten Kere-Len Nen Tapnim" - inscription of Marte.   Dear journal,   We have reached the Monument of Life one day ago. Seeing Buin for the first time, I thought of that ancient saying inscribed on the gates of the city of Marte. Then Malvis. Now Ur-Mavan. It means "Lean to the Self to find All". Singularists were surely smart people. They could bring whole concepts to life in just a few quite raspy sounds. Like this sentence. And they did know a lot about self-insight, and balance. Balance which the Almighty shattered, teaching us once and for all that there is no balance to be found on Earth.   So as I walked across that serene land, I felt the need to say "Balance is the death of love", like that olden king. I still think that. Maybe because imbalance is my second nature. Or maybe because I feel the tempered weakness in all of this. These people stand two feet away from literal Death. You wouldn't know it. But if I were so close... I'd do something. In a thousand years, almost.   We sent soldiers, the Ael Velle - the Holy War - to the Western Desolation, and they watched.   That being said, I was left aghast by the sheer art and beauty of the Monastery of Lem-Kere-Se, the monastery of the Monument of Life. And its hospitality.   I have to stop here and explain a few things, because I have been awfully disorganised. I'll surely forget a few details, so I'll write them down here. I feel like I've talked a lot about Talion and my own problems, which is unfair.   As you remember, dear journal, the end of the world may very well be around the corner. There are dark forces planning to invade the realms not yet destroyed by their curses. You know, the all-imperfect lands of Worania, Vormiol and the like. Or at least that's what Talion proclaimed. I, for one, am a little unsure of how to split people. So I guess orcs are bad and are coming to kill us. But... I feel there's more to this. It's not about races against races. I think it is more profound.   I certainly felt that after meeting the Black Sylph. So yeah, after that horrible drunken page, I lost track of things. We had left Alomir on a ship from Damaschini, as per the plan. We had a plan to go west, to the Fountain of Sapphires, in order to find out more about the world. The Black Sylph was this very special being which was going to join us. A being that may very well transcend life and death. I'll explain later.   We reached Arofa before trouble struck us. First, a mutiny. People didn't want to go to the Fountain, because, well, we had to cross the Western Desolation. So we had to settle that first, kind of hard, but we managed. Talion was an oaf (I stand by my drunken words here). I got drunk, but the thing is important events went on around my ludicrous self.   Talion had an encounter with his favourite demon in the whole wide world, who seemingly got him to knock down the Black Sylph who was hiding somewhere on the boat. I don't remember much other than Talion standing still, screaming "don't look at the water!" and then closing his eyes and having some sort of struggle with the demon. The struggle was so successful, the bastard demon kept laughing and sneering. And the sylph fell on the deck. From where? It seems she can travel in some shadow-world. That's why I said she may very well transcend life. She clearly is not alive in the way we are alive. I'm not sure what she is yet, I think she has some sort of curse or maybe dual nature to her. She must be an elf, but a very ancient elf. Like the beings of legend, so-called demigods. Who maybe were very powerful elves. Who knows what creatures lived thousands of years ago? Maybe the Black Sylph hails from them. She's much older than the Monument of Life, or Enoligas.   So, speaking of, since the Sylph was badly injured (it seems Talion's negative feelings and influences were drawn to her, because the idiot dispelled them from his person - like he dispels everything), we had to take her to the Monument.   There, we saw it. I don't have time to write about that beauty. Or words.... It's.... no. I can't desecrate it. I'll just say this. It was a pillar, a small humbe pillar, in the middle of a circle drawn on barren ground. But once you look from the pillar outwards, you'll find it. The pathway. A gorgeous waterfall carrying water down and lifting you up. And at the top you'll find the true Monument. A place of quiet awe. And sadness, in a way. Because the world used to have more color. That's what I felt from it.   We went there to save the Sylph. And I felt the grace of the Almighty there. I am so glad I can say this. I always felt I will never be able to really feel it. I believed it exists, but... It's so different when you FEEL it. What magi call higher arcane - boring magi! - is, well, completeness. It's a feeling of purpose and right. You stand there where you should. We wanted to save her from whatever evil encroached her. It's more than Talion's stuff. But I don't think the older evil could be drawn out. But at least to invert the inherent opposition that life has towards the negation of life, the living, crawling negation of life that I feel acts upon the poor Black Sylph.   And the Almighty is there, in us and around us. We did it, we reached the top and saved the Sylph. But in doing so, we couldn't save her poor hand. And her body in general, I think, was badly affected. She hangs by a thread. I don't know if she'll ever be strong again, but I hope so. She wrote to us how she met Damaschini and his comrades, she sounded lively enough back then. She sounds like an innocent, beautiful soul. I think I'll try to protect her, for now, with what I can, the others are busy enough doing the voyage itself. It's not like I'm very useful elsewhere anyways.   So, onwards we go. The Sylph is as well as she can be, and time won't go backwards; we have little of it, so we shall move on towards the fools' peninsula, and beyond. The forgotten shores of Texxoria and Alghazia await.   What is left of Gava, I wonder?

"I don't believe in demons. I have been enough" - Jebymma   Dear diary,   It felt appropriate to start quoting the big baddie himself, since we're getting closer to the Western Desolation. I sure hope we won't bump into liches. Well, this one is long dead. And the great men and women who defeated him died too, and now their legacy continues with... Talion. Life is full of irony, and Ionolia has plenty of it.   You see, journal, I feel as lost and random as the winds in the sails of our ship. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm all alone here in this great sea, it's a beautiful journey, but it's an empty one when there's no home to turn to at night, when stars are rising in the sky and peace covers all other thoughts.   Nevermind that. I need to first say a few things about our journey. It's been an eye-opener to watch Talion in action. He was always a bit iffy and awkward around people, but I feel power and experience made him much, much worse. Like how he likes to talk, and leave the rest to listen. And if he talks, be sure to understand only whatever he plans to tell you. Whatever that is, because Talion can't match word for word and make it logical.   So, for example, we were looking for Damaschini's ship captain, Xebec, a very pirate-looking and pirate-behaving guy. As expected, Talion comes to this bar with his mannerisms, proclaiming his name and probably exchanging some heraldic knowledge for all he cared. Bart chimed in to help us not get evicted by the cringe-guards, but Talion shouted some very unpleasant words at him and pushed him aside.   That was uncalled for. I made sure to make him understand that.   By the way, journal, he wants to make things right. He told me after. After I made a fool out of him, after I heard him praise his dead comrade Lyaria and talk more about her than he ever talked to me in these two weeks. He said he knows it's not gonna be easy but he'll try.   I want to believe him. God, I do. I can't believe it was all for naught. Why must I obsess over his stupid love? I never really got it! Why do I want something I never had!? Maybe it's better not to have it. But as I said some things never disappoint in reality, so maybe it's gonna be like it was with seeing Syomalos. But....   I have some brains left. The man is out of his mind. In his own world, somewhere, where he thinks he is right and where he always makes sense.   As for the bard... Bart.... hear this, journal.   This little runt got my every attention, cause he sings nice songs and is a very charming fellow in general, and is good company. I am so terribly alone most of the time, Nixie and Verfys are good friends, Heron and Bart too, Talion talks to his demon-friends I think, so, ye, I'm alone with my Tall Tales. So it's nice to have Bart accompany me with a song. He's likeable enough.   But then he made this stupid joke where he called me a demon, well, alluded to me being one. "A joke" he said. Can you believe him? A joke?   Why? Because I'm such an insufferable little monster? Cause I talk back when people are stupid with me? Or around me? I know I can be a pain sometimes, but... Demons are really not the creatures I'd like to be associated with. And BArt is no fool. He made the joke THE DAY AFTER the incident with Talion and his demon. Oh, I didn't mention it yet. I'll write about it soon. Anyway, serious stuff. And he makes this joke...   I honestly feel I'm perpetually unlikeable. Or maybe just surrounded by little kids. My drunken self wrote quite a good quote on that note. Well, Bart was an attractive "if". Makes me blush, still. He is nice. But he's the same mould as Talion. Not serious. Not consistent. He can't fool me. He's a kid. A spoilt kid, for all the poverty he likes to espouse.   If I could go back in time to one year ago, and I would have them in front of me, I'd choose neither and laugh at both. Right now... Life tells me I deserve Talion, I think I deserve Bart but I wish I deserved a man.   Well The sea is vast.

"Kings are just babies. But we are all their toys" - Gys the Fool   So we are far away in Arofa and it's dark. I heard Tova is nice but I'm not sure how nice it feels right n w .   I hate Talion. And father. And all men and women of all kinds colors and pictures and dreaming of strange features.   I'm not even a poet. I'll never write a poem.   Why try? Why try when I am a spent toy for funny people to play with? Baddie - Eve haha, better than I don't talk to - Eve. Or care that much.   You know, journal, wh er e where is Talion? Aside from some nice word, and by nice word i mean "look at the sea it's so nice ye". GOD GET OUT. Leave me! I want to actually enjoy what he doesn't know HOW TO ENJOY WITH HIS CRINGY WORDS.   As for the world. I have to smile and nod at them and be yes I'm Eve I'm smart but I say I'm dumb so you people can shut up and leave me alone, but I don't want to be alone so yes let's talk but why talk when no one cares!? When no one is? You know journal I odn't even know if i'm writing or I'm dreaming.   Clearly, I am drunk. Uh. Clearly. So fancy tonight, are we, Eve. As fancy as the whore I've been preparing all my life to be.   I will NEVER show them this. They seem nice people. Really nice. I don't know why I said I hate them. I'm sorry. But Talion is horrible. He behaves like an oaf. A big oaf. Orcs have been knowwwn to be kinder.   I think I'm gonna sleep. I can't hold my head still. I will probably burn this tommorrow, I can't stand myself writing this stuff. fls Eve  

"The gilded doors of negation ever so slowly open" - Aedyra Vantior, To the Great Shore.   Dear journal, I have been thinking about Aedyra and her book a lot these days. She hated to write about love, it seems. She never really felt it, but she understood it, they say. So she probably knows what she is saying.   Anyways, I am now travelling with Talion and his group of friends. It is wonderful. Out of Ionolia for the first time. We crossed the Metops mountains into Vormiol, passed the fields where so many wars were fought, reached the great city of Pellin and boarded a ship across the calm Syomalos. The sea is as beautiful as they say. And so calm, and refreshing. To think of it, I expected to be disappointed. You know when you inflate things in your head, build up expectations, only to be shattered when you see or do that thing for real? Well, I thought it would be the case, but no. That makes me glad. There's more to this world than expectations. I always hoped that, but I think my heart has problems actually interiorizing this hope. Well, not all time is lost.   I have some interesting comrades. I thought of several ways in which to describe them, and I settled for fruit. So, here's my assessment (in no particular order):   Verfys - (red) apple Nixie - walnut Bart - cherry Heron - melon   And then there's Talion, of course, I think I'd give him the lemon.   Anyways, this band of fruits (oh wait what am I - hm I say I'm one of those sour grapes no one picks) reached Alomir, a sun-bathed island full of olive trees and white houses. Quite the land, to be fair. And with such a history. Amazing to think what happened to this little place in such a short time. From a kingdom to another, then to some sort of republic, partly Tovan-style, partly 30 peoples-style, but mostly unique. I'd be curious to meet Damaschini and Endi'e and Lomis, who designed it. They sound like wholly different people, one from another, though.   We had a nice time in a bar that evening. Except well for Talion who had to be as charming as a dried clay brick when he told me he wants to show me some library he worked in. Because he left me for a library.   Story is quite long, but I don't want to write it. Why write such sad things. I don't know what he wants. He behaves as if I'm not there. Then, from time to time, he makes some half-hatched mannerisms, like this. For what? I don't know what (if anything) goes in his head.   I'm supposed to be his fiance, but I barely feel as his acquaintance right now. Why can't I simply get him out of my head? Why must I be so sad about this? Why, if not because I want something?   I'm so inexorably dumb.

"If nothing else, love the ground you'll turn into" - King Gendys I of Worania   So, I discovered I love peaches.   I ate a few good ones last summer, when I was reading through my Tall Tales collection. Nice stories, but not without substance, sometimes. Although they usually go for the easy, cheesy way. I like how everyone instantly thinks I want to murder them whenever I look up to them as I lay there beside the oak tree in the Marion garden. Always, always. They are scared because they don't know what I'll do. I love that. They think I always do things backwards. Or wrong, anyways. Maybe I do. Who knows? That's the thrill. Anyway, I will now consume a peach every week. I don't care where I am. It is my peach-destiny. Much like that story where the maiden asked the knight whether he could carry her back to the castle of her father, but only by holding her head against his right arm. He forgot and did it the other way around, and she turned into a squirrel and ran away in the woods. Turns out she was some kind of animal-human, and she was bound by this weird spell which could be triggered if the wrong instructions were followed (see the head up against the arm thing), the Tall Tales love them. Anyway, it's a cheesy one, but I liked the conclusion. I think I got it, anyway. You see, journal, if you really want to do things right, by God, do them right. Don't cut corners. Even the small ones count.   That being said, I'm presently with a group of people who seem to cut a lot of corners. It'll be fun asking them for peaches.

"By the Almighty, I have looked into people's eyes for all my life, and all I saw there were mine own" - Doric Adilas, in his Confessions.   Dear diary, I am sad. I have decided to leave Marion, Ionolia altogether. Father will cope, I'm sure. But I'll miss him, I'm sure about that too. Truth be told, I hate the place more than I like it now. Too much has it eaten me alive. But how did I end up here? I remember vividly. I was shopping for some groceries, I think, when I met Dill. He was buying food too, I didn't care to ask much else than how do you do. But he kept on rambling. He said something like "Oh and I'm happy to see Tallion's back, you must be happy too". I was dumbstruck. My first thought was to grab some spear and gently shove it up his ass and through one of his eye sockets. But I love his eye sockets, and his sorry ass. I went there to see it for myself. He was in there with some other people. Understandably, he couldn't tell me he came. After one year. I hate ranting and complaining. But... I don't know, I felt sad.   Anyway, I threw that away and armed myself with all the rage that was surely coming. He found quickly that I was still fast enough to kick him into the ground. Making me wait for one year... I won't say more, not even to myself. The more I think of it, the sadder I get.   I know I'm mad. Why did I wait? Just to spite the hateful bastards around me, who called me "whore" and "spent woman" and all that sort? Or am I really retarded, like my father keeps telling me?   Well, somehow now I'm about to leave Ionolia WITH him. He actually had the audacity to propose to me. One year too late. I said nothing. I have to leave. I have to get out of here as fast as I can.   I hope some old magi will read this journal and find a way to cure mental illnesses. At least I'll be fascinating to someone, then.   Until then, it's my unilateral decision to leave, not Tallion's, and it's my unilateral feelings that kept this disaster afloat. Maybe he'll unilaterally decide to not be a scum.   That aside, I look forward to actually seeing the world... to think I can do it now. See the places I read about. Do things I read people did, or are doing. It will... it will be big. I'll be freer and better. Maybe I'll truly understand things, then. Just so you know, journal, I'm not going on a vacation, or in exile. We are hunting down the end of the world. And I'm not being my dramatic self. I really mean it. Something is brewing, it's obvious even to Tallion, well, he lived through those things, so. There are winds of death in the air, for those with the life to feel them.   But more on that later. I should catch some rest. I'll have to ride a lot tomorrow.