A Reluctant Resolution

That went better than I could have realistically expected. Was worried she was gonna burst a vessel she turned so red. So why am I in such a foul mood again, so soon? These carrion birds aren’t filling me with optimism, sure, but it’s more than that. Handed the reins to Corrin so I can figure this shit out, although this is far from the optimal writing environment, with the bumping and jostling and making sure the little weirdo doesn’t run us up into a tree.
 
It has something to do with Gayle. That hurt. I asked him not to mention my meeting with Nysali to the others and the first thing he does…. Thought we had a bond. But it’s not a big deal, I can see that. Kid just got excited. Should’ve seen it coming when I told him she had a crush on me. It was supposed to impress the need for discretion on him. Kinda had the opposite effect. Seems like I’m always trying to work people, get them to do what I want without just saying, “Please, could you do this as a favour to me?” Because that would cede some of my power, put me in their debt. Ha! And now, because of that kid, I’m probably gonna be joining dear old dad in debtor’s prison. All my instincts are telling me to turn my back on him, throw up my hands and say, “Grennan’s goats devour you between buggerings!” But I still need him.
 
Before Gayle it was Ulric. Took him into my confidence and he immediately started dropping hints to the others about buying children. Okay, firstly, I didn’t buy Gayle, he’s not my slave, I’m just gonna owe a shit-ton of money if he dies. Which he won’t. And secondly, who cares? My name’s the only one on the contract, no-one else’s, and it’s not even my real name. So ha! So much for your leverage, Mr. La’carde (a fake name if I’ve ever heard one). And before Ulric it was Davynn. I have a vague recollection of trying to teach him life lessons (while, admittedly, verrrrrrry high, so they may not have been phrased with my usual pith and wit) and opening my heart to him and the little jerk took a big ol’ potato dump on it.
 
All very trivial betrayals, easily forgivable if you go in for that kind of thing. But I don’t. I mean, I already knew that I don’t, but what I’m realizing is that I really don’t. It’s like there’s this mechanism in my head, constantly mutating towards some ideal that’s a secret even to me. People are real only to whatever degree they serve the purpose of the machine. It incorporates them into its stratagems as it advances towards perfection, but if they threaten its workings, they’re cast out. The machine is merciless. It’s not even about me. Fuck me. It’s about purity or some shit.
 
But I’ve seen soldiers go wrong. Maybe the evolving engine is born to achieve some ideal, but eventually it just goes and eats and eats and goes until everything’s chewed up and all you’ve got is a head full of snarled gears. Always figured I was immune to that loss of centre because, I dunno, I’m smarter? Meaner? Better at dragonchess? But… let’s get real. Am I really all that smart? Got a bit of schooling when I was young, yeah, but I’ve been on a six year bender, basically. It takes a toll. Who’s in charge of the machine now?
 
Shutting Gayle out, while being highly impractical since he’s such an important cog in the mechanism’s current incarnation, also… feels… like it would be a drift even further from centre for other, less quantifiable reasons? Ugh, feelings. Fuck feelings! But they’ve been cropping up more and more, like weeds. Like tuberous Davynns. Particularly around Nysali. Maybe I don’t need a centre, maybe she can just be my centre? At least for now, until I figure something else out.
 
But that makes me look at myself from her point of view. “You believe in protecting people,” she said. “Well, let’s not get too crazy,” I said. “You believe that bullies need to be punished,” she amended. “Sure, I suppose,” I said. But take a look at this situation with Annie. Don’t get me wrong, it was hilarious. But I honestly didn’t expect it to go as well as it did. Kinda threw me off at first, but since then I haven’t been able to resist giving her my best come-hither look every time I feel her bashful eyes on me. There’s something fucking wrong with me. What if she’s falling in love with me? I had no intention of stirring up – or reciprocating – those kinds of feelings, I just thought it’d be funny to mess with her. Yet rather than backing out politely before more damage is done, I’m flat-out seducing her now. How does that not make me a bully? My charm is too powerful a weapon, apparently. Can’t be trusted with it.
 
So that’s where this mood must be coming from. But I can fix this. I’ve gone too far to back out now, but she never has to know that I wasn’t sincere. If she wants to take me up on my offer, I can oblige her. I will meditate to drive from my thoughts all the weird little forest critters possibly living in her hair and I will do the deed. We shall get it on! That’s all that was offered – I didn’t promise to marry her or anything – so once we’ve knocked boots (or at least feet so calloused from life in the wild as to make a clacking sound resembling that of boots when knocked against my boots) my conscience should be clean. That’s the right thing to do, isn’t it? Pretty sure Nysali would want me to fuck Annie. It might even be, uh… I mean, it’s been a challenging mating season… any oasis in the desert, I suppose?
 
Oh shit, Corrin’s looking over here. He can’t read, can he? I’ve seen him scrawling something before… nah, it’s cool. Narrow escape. Better take the reins back though, I think we’re getting close.