Liliscea has a crisis of faith...of a sort

I can't remember what it's like to not be tired, or injured anymore....
 
I see Katt raise her hand, I see her finger point at me, I know I should probably get out of the way, move, do something.....but....I'm just so tired....I can't seem to muster the desire to even just get off my knees so I can die with dignity. I don't even have the energy to panic anymore... My head is foggy, my thoughts are sluggish, and I can't remember why I I've been trying so hard...it all seems so useless now. I just saw Vera explode, we've been trapped in this hell for....has it really been less than a day? I don't know how we can even get out of this. It seems I won't anyways. I see her eyes flash for a moment, I can feel something lance into my mind, digging deep trying to unmake it in it's entirety. Well that just won't do. Kill me if you must, but leave my mind to me! Who am I without my mind? If my mind is destroyed can I honestly say I even existed? I summon up the last dredges of my will power that I thought all but spent and manage to force that lance out....but that's all I have....there's nothing left....and...the damage..is...already...Liliscea slumps forward, collapsing against the ground, unmoving, and all but dead.
 
She's sitting in the kitchen watching her mother scribble something in her notebook, fierce concentration on her face, there are so many ribbons and other marks in the pages that the book looks like an aborted attempt at a maypole. She doesn't know where her sister is, but that's fine, her sister prefers the outdoors anyway. She runs to her room and grabs her own journal, a perfect replica of her mothers, if only less worn, with fewer ribbons, she runs back to the table and begins scribbling in her own notebook. Her scibbles don't say anything, and her ink runs all over the page, but that's alright, she wants to be just like her mother. A few minutes pass this way before her mother glances up, see's what she's doing, and a wry smile spreads across her mothers face, eyes filled with warmth, her mother reaches out and threads her fingers through her hair. She looks up, beaming at her mother, showing her the super detailed notes and theories, and doodles of world breaking discoveries. Her mother laughs, and with a voice warm with love and delight asks her "And how is my little researcher doing today? Are you changing the world?" She nods rapidly, her hair spilling into her face, she impatiently shoves it back before replying "Uh-huh! I'm gonna discover how to put happiness in a box, so that way if anyone is feeling sad, they can just open the box and be happy again!" Her mother smiles at her, "Oh my that's an ambitious goal!" Her mother picks her up out of her chair, paying no mind to her squeals as she sets her on her lap, "It's so big I think your brain might be overheating!" Her eyes go wide, now that her mother mentioned it, she did feel a little warm "Oh no! Can it be fixed?!" She really hopes so, she's not sure what happens to an overheated brain, but it sounds like it would hurt, "Of course Lily-flower! We'll just have to get you some ice cream to cool you off!" With that her mother stands up, keeping her in her arms, and walks outside into the sunshine, "Lana! Time for some ice cream!" She hears a giggle coming from the bushes, and her sister explodes out tackling her mother in a hug, "Carry me too Mummy!" Her mother laughs before swooping down to collect her sister, "Oof, you two are getting heavy, I won't be able to carry you around much longer" Both sisters giggle at their mother, sure that nothing will ever change, and their mother will always be there to carry them.
 
It should be raining. It doesn't seem right that the weather is so bright and cheerful. Her mother's gone. Never coming back, and it should be raining. Her sister is quiet, subdued and withdrawn. She'd been like that ever since the accident. Looking at her sister, she has no idea what to do now. How can they move forward, how can they survive, how are they supposed to live without their mother? The sun mocks her with it's warmth, the birds laughing at her pain with their cheerful song. She wishes it was raining.
 
She rubs her eyes tiredly, slowly realizing that her candle has almost burned out. She sighs, candles are expensive, and they need to save their money for food, and she can't believe she wasted another one. All for nothing. None of these books have an answer...of course they don't, all the ones that would have likely been burned by now. All but her mothers journal, and she can't even read most of it. She can hear her sister snoring in one of the beds, she lets her sleep, her sister has been a godsend, keeping them together, keeping them fed and clothed, her music the only reason they had this room in the first place. She stretches, and contemplates just going to bed when a sliver of light shines through the window. She squints outside only to realize the sun is coming up...another night spent working....but what else can she do? There has to be an answer, she's just not smart enough to think of it, so she has to spend all her time looking. She pulls another book towards her, resigning herself to a sleepless night when a fluffy white cat jumps on the table and sitting on her newly opened book, staring at her with exasperation and judgement in her eyes. "Alright Nadali, if you're going to nag me about it I can get some sleep..." The cat twitches, and glares at her reproachfully. "What? What else would you call it? You and my sister conspiring against me like you do, trying to distract me from my work." The cat just lays down on the book facing away from her. "Fine! Sulk away if you want, let's see how long that lasts when you're hungry!" She hears a snort behind her. "Arguing with your cat again sister? I'm not sure that'll accomplish much of anything" Her sisters eyes look up at her, laughing in amusement. "Ugh.....whatever, let's just go get breakfast..."
 
Her new friends are talking to Katt, but she's not sure what they're saying, she just saw, no felt Vera die, their connection snapping with all the abruptness of an arrow to the gut, and she would know, she's suffered that particular pain before. She's staring blankly at the point where Vera was, wondering why, why she seems to be doomed to suffer so. And she's tired of it, she's tired of being tired, she's tired of being hurt. She just wants to sleep and cry, and...and...she wants her mother....she wants her mother to hold her like she used to, and whisper that it would be alright, that this too shall pass...but that won't happen anymore, that will never happen again, that comfort is forever lost to her. A voice cuts through the fog. "Why are you even trying? You can't save anyone you care about, you'll only fail!" She flinches, the words sinking deep into her head, burrowing there like an insidious parasite, slowly consuming her thoughts. Katt's right isn't she? She knows better than anyone that you can't save anyone, that they'll just die on you, and leave you alone. She's tried to save those she cares about, and look at what she's accomplished: Nothing. Not a damn thing to show for her efforts, for her sacrifices. Fighting begins, and before it's over she feels pain arc through her head, like every nerve has been lit on fire, and she just wants the pain to stop, she just wants it all to stop....so she does, "Sorry sister....I'm so sorry...."
 
Consciousness returns to me just as abruptly as it left, I wonder if I'm dead until I try to sit up and realize that my ribs are still broken....so probably not. I see most of my compatriots standing around the slumped and unconscious form of Katt....guess we won....and what a Pyrrhic victory it is. All of us are barely standing, and I don't know how we're going to survive Temlakos...short answer, we're not....at least not all of us. I push myself to my feet, and a calm certainty falls over my mind. Maybe we can't save anyone we care about, and maybe we're all going to die sooner rather than later....but....but I will not surrender my last gasp in this world until I have unleashed every frustration, every regret, and every pain I have onto Temlakos....and I will do my best to not give him the satisfaction of my death, for my sisters sake if nothing else. I limp forward, I look at my sister, the one who's been with me through everything life has thrown at me, who somehow after everything still manages to keep a smile on her face, and laughter in her heart...I was a fool to go so long pushing her away. I know that there is no guruantee that we'll survive this, and I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to die and the last thing I felt towards her was anger, and her last memory of me to be my silence. I step up next to her, nudge her with my shoulder and give my best attempt at a smile with the energy left to me. Her eyebrow raises and a spark of laughter appears in her eyes again, so I guess it wasn't a very good attempt. No matter, I just want us to be sisters again, to be close again. I want her to survive this and be happy, and if my poor attempt at smiling can bring a smile to her face? Well I think that's worth it.