A Letter To Mother - Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

My dearest mother.
 
So sorry it's been so long since my last letter. 3 years and you've heard neither hide nor tail from me. You must have been worried sick and I can't even begin to apologize enough for the absence of my words. I've just been so terribly busy and times have been trying, but I'm sure times have been just as tough for you, what with father always at sea.
 
The past three years have been chaos, to say the least. During the first year, I was imprisoned for stealing the prized jewels of a king and was sentenced to death. A bit excessive just for stealing a bunch of jewelry he wasn't wearing anyway, but I digress. Of course, I was an innocent man and was framed for this foul deed. You and I both know I can be handful at the best of times, but if there's one thing I learned from you and father, it's to never touch another man's goods without asking first. Ew, not in that way. Your mind is filthy, mother, and I'll hear no more of it.
 
After a daring escape along a tightrope I made from socks I stole from the other prisoners, a thrilling fight where I was armed with nary but a rusty spoon, and some time spent laying low with a band of dwarven barbarians (actually a band as well. they knew how to play a mean ballad), I sought out the true culprit and found it to be the king's son, the crown prince himself! I exposed him at a royal ball, leaving the attendees gob smacked. The prince was quickly apprehended and I was offered his place as the new prince. I politely declined of course. I've got better things to do than sit pretty on some old throne... even though no matter where I sit, it's *always* pretty.
 
Year two, I discovered an ancient red dragon's lair thousands of feet below the surface of Ashai. There were dozens, maybe thousands of them! No wait, scratch that. We'll go with hundreds. Luckily I've been boning up on my Draconic lessons lately and I listened in to discover that they were planning on aiming their fiery breaths at the crust of the land until we were all as cooked as your wonderful stew that I miss ever so dearly. They would then return to the surface after having slept for hundreds of years and reclaim this world for their own.
 
Donning a clever disguise I fashioned from their shed scales, I decided to infiltrate the red dragons as one of their own. I could only pass for their young due to my comparative size, but they were most suitably fooled. I managed to convince them that perhaps instead of killing the surface dwellers, we could live in peace. Just as their guard dropped, I slayed them all as fast as lightning. I still wear the armor made from their scales to this day. It's quite fetching. I'm sure you'd like it.
 
The third year had the highest stakes of all. I stopped the sun from exploding. Yes, you read that correctly. I know my adventures are quite fanciful but I speak the truth as sure as the sun I saved rises each day. A powerful wizard named Malzbykath wanted to summon his demonic lord of darkness. To do that, it had to be... well, dark. So obviously the easiest way of doing that was to take out the sun.
 
To that end, he started a year long ritual which involved reading this really, really, REALLY long scroll. That was how I found out about him in the first place. The scroll stretched so long and wide that the end of the scroll wound up in the room I was staying in. I followed the scroll, reading it along the way with my mastery of arcane knowledge and uncovered his sinister plot. It took me nine months to reach the start of the scroll he was reading from and when I got there? He couldn't stop reading the scroll to blow up the sun or he'd have to start all over again. He was completely defenseless. Didn't even bother to lay any traps or hire any protection. So I just sort of stabbed him and that was that. Kind of a disappointing anti-climax really, but I guess they can't all be show stoppers.
 
In any event, I hope you and father are getting on well. Has father become any less stubborn over the years? I'd hope perhaps time would dull his rough edges and he might have come to accept the choice I made all those years ago. I know you can't respond to me as I'm always on the road and you're always at home in Port Manai, but it's nice to think that you'll read of this and remember me just as I remember you every time I write. I'd really love to visit, but you know how the world always needs a hero and someone always needs saving.
 
Until I see you again, know that I am safe, healthy, and love you and father always.
 
All my love,
 
Cy
The Handsome Devil Of Port Manai
 
P.S. If anyone comes asking about me taking over as the prince of some far away kingdom, tell them to sod off.