37.2 Why Shadows?

General Summary

Day 545

Thalien and I drift to sleep together like we used to in the garden. Usually sleeping in the Dreaming sends me back to the waking world but this time I can feel the sleepiness come over me without ripping me out of the space. After a while I do drift off but instead of being in my camp site I find myself alone with my tree and an elf girl child with shocking orange hair and green eyes, smiling at me. She cocks her head and looks at me as though I'm a puzzle.  

Why shadows?

  I laugh a little as I sit next to her, the little manifestation of my tree. Why not shadows? They feel safe and welcoming.   She explains simply that the shadows get in the way and that Bing and Plum are sad because they found people but the shadows won't let them reach out. My shadows don't get in the way and so she was able to reach me. In the dirt beneath us she carefully sketches an image of two concentric circles, one labelled 'Bing's Person' and one labelled 'Shadows' which encircle Trillium. She draws a similar set of circles for me and her, but my shadows are split with 'wings' and this holds back the shadows so she can reach me. She also draws one for Apple and his person, who has a small passageway labelled 'eyes'.   In the earlier days when she had more people there were no barriers at all - no shadows, wings, or eyes. I try to explain that at some point elves chose shadows because there was nothing that was blocked by them...there's an enormous sense of loss and guilt as I try to articulate this but she just nods wisely, not judging.  

Are Bing and Plum's people happy with shadows?

  I nod. The shadows are certainly not a problem; elves get so much joy from them. My mind is racing with thoughts on how I could possibly modify the elvish bond to let people properly connect to these trees as well...my tree tells me that the shadows feel like water with no light and that she gets lost in it. Dipping my own consciousness into the shadows I can see what she means - now that I have worked with Kaide and Kadia more I can feel the Osyr water magic wrapping around the gift of shadows and how shadow-stepping is something like swimming through a passageway. I'm curious about using the dripline of a tree where shadows at noon deepen and mix with the water dripping off the canopy. I'm curious about oaths that could bind an elf and tree so the shadows are a gateway into the tree.   As I ponder this I ask for her story and to hear about her relationships. From her perspective 'her people' are the people with whom she has exchanged fruit and songs.  

At first I just listened, and then lots of people came to visit and sang songs for us! Pear gave the first fruit and then lots of people were there to listen to and give fruit. But after a while there were no people anymore but lots of little friends who kept us safe.

  And she tells me that the people back then couldn't dream and speak to her, but that she has met many fae and not just fae of seasons. Apparently there were some fae who smelled of blood ("person sap") and brought tree sap to help the trees grow. I'm intrigued and wonder if maybe these fae were Uncle and Magdalena or maybe another cycle of fae entirely, perhaps something related to Blood Fallen Valley? She says there were never more than two, one old and one young.   Before I leave I promise to bring more people and figure out how to let them share songs and fruit. At this she smiles and gifts me a small blossom.  

Day 546

I wake late in the day after staying up all night in the Dreaming. Despite this I'm full of energy and immediately tell the others about the second part of the tree bond that I experienced and how eager I am to try and find a way to make it work for elves who have only shadows.   I think we could work on a solution that an individual elf could do alone, such as through meditation or particular shadow-stepping. Then perhaps one that requires me to be there? If there is another oath we could use? And perhaps one day in the future a way to modify the shadow bond entirely. In my mind Kaide speaks to me, concerned.  

We should talk to teacher first.

  She spins out fears about impacting the bond between elves and the Empress and stepping where we shouldn't. From her conversation with the Empress she is worried that maybe this would give her the opportunity to return elves to the trees, or that elves would feel at home amongst the trees and not understand why, not be able to internalize the idea that we were once fae. She suggests talking to the Empress first, talking to Magdalena, maybe having the two of them discuss next steps.   It is a perfectly reasonable suggestion and I'm surprised at the force of my unhappiness. Here is a problem that seems uniquely suited to being mine to solve - something that is deeply elvish, fae, tied up in song and connection. I have a to-do list that would scare a true immortal and neither Magdalena nor the Empress have the heart to tackle a problem like this. But still, the safe thing to do is wait and leave all of these trees alone again with no one who can connect with them. There is a thin strand of fury flowing through me at this thought and the frustration seeps out of me. Kaide backs off a little in response, saying that she is not the Imperator, and not really an elf, and of course I should do what I think is right.   I'm even more frustrated. I am the Imperator who has to be able to act alone and a student who still needs to consult the Empress, the only elf-fae in existence and still need to wait to hear my teacher's advice. I am on the cusp of living forever and still don't have the experience to see far enough ahead to make the right choices. I feel such strong empathy with Bran.   I have us do just a few small experiments - having Vaneilli try to shadow step into her tree (she falls out) and then reverse the flow and let the tree's shadow flow into her. This doesn't work either and I turn to the idea of familial oaths between an elf and tree, but without being able to communicate until after the songs have been exchanged a tree has no way to take an oath.   The Fatespinners chime in as well - Yneir telling me that she sees that we are missing something we need if we are to reach the shiniest future of trees in cities surrounded by people, Bran chiding her for not explaining all the possibilities and the risks and rewards that are present here even if we don't reach the shiniest one. It is, overall, an extremely discouraging and frustrating experience.   While the others remain in camp and prepare dinner I slip away again to my tree and collapse in a huff, feeling very much like a petulant child as I hum a stomping little tune about all the responsibilities and things I have to do. It feels good to be able to vent like this, in a way I certainly wouldn't to anyone in my family.