The Great Theft of the also Great Map of Vertinall

There are whispers from the dark that speak of... Conspiracy. A plot so grand and unthinkable that those who hear it are no doubt left in fits of utter laughter, because who on earth would want to steal a copy of the crappiest map in the entire world?   Who Indeed.. Well Have I got a scoop for you today, folks. Because The Great Map of Vertinall has been... Stolen!  

Dun dun duuuun

  The Church of The Beast have established a habit of doubling down on their crap investments by claiming them to be 'priceless religious artefacts', and the map is one such example. Despite being a terribly innacurate depiction of the world, it was displayed with such great fanfare that they felt it necessary to press and promote the map as much as possible, making the whole thing seem 'on purpose'.     The original map, following it's ceremonious reveal was stored deep within the Grand Archive of the Church's founding site. There, it remained under close protection of lock and key, guardsman, dozens of magical seals and a particularly snippy Librarian.   That is, until it wasn't.  

The noted disappearance

  The archives are an interesting place, for certain. Funny tidbit, did you know the Guards at the archive are deaf? It's actually one of the requirements for becoming a guardsman there in the first place, so that the highest echelon of the Church can speak of whatever mysterious secrets they have going on down there without fear of information spreading beyond their own fascinating little cult.   Unfortunately, that does make them pretty lousy at hearing the panicked squealing of one such scribe, who on requesting to study one of the most prized pieces of the Church's collection discovered that it had been absolutely pinched.   The poor Scribe scarpered, and was subsequently tackled by one of the Guards who are given strict instructions to enforce a 'no running' policy within the Archive's halls. It eventually caught the attention of one Holy and Resplendent Archivist Veriticia, who demanded an explanation.  

"What in the not-hells is all this racket about!?"   "H-Holy one! By the beast-- T-the map! It's been burgled!"   "..."   (In Sign) "...Guardsman, fetch the bourbon. This is going to be a long day."

 

Bring me my quill, Scribe

  It fell to the shoulders of Veriticia to inform the Head of the Church the unfortunate news.   Click to read Document  

The Fake

  Now come on, if you were making a fake map to slip into the real map's place, it's gotta be close, right? I mean how bad could it--     Oh.   I mean, well.. It's got the snake? I'm not sure the normal one has a bow, or at least if it does it's not big enough to be noticed from down here.   S'cute though, right?  

"I did a map! It's this world with the BIG snake!"

— The Devilish, scheming child, presenting their handiwork

 

But who stole the map?

  I'm sure the rumour mill amongst the great Cult of the big Worm in the Sky is running overtime on who they can pin this little scheme on that would benefit them the most, but truthfully they do not rightfully know who could be so clever, smart and amazing enough to be able to enter the Archive, and leave undetected with their prized little map under his armpit.   What, me? Noooo. No. That's just silly. I mean, why would I steal it? That sort of thing would cause a massively uncessary amount of chaos, and I have absolutely no desire for such things whatsoever.