Tiffany's FAQ: So You Died and Went to Hells

You did, like, soooo well at basic orientation. I totally get it, you have more questions. Alright, hun, ask away. But after that, it's straight to the Pit of Baphomet for you, OK?    

Can I still feel pain? What about pleasure?

  Totally, babe! Emotions and sensations still work the same. Sorta. Maybe. Let's just say, hun, some things might be subject to change. Some stuff might feel stronger, weaker, or just... different. Might even get some new sensations altogether. Neat, I know!  

Can I see my family and friends again?

  If they’re dead too? Then yeah, totally possible! You can look them up in the Census to check what level they landed on. Some might’ve moved or, like, changed a lot. There are services to help track folks down, but if you're broke, don’t worry, plenty of demons would love to offer you a sketchy deal. Wink wink.  

Can I contact the living? Like, haunt them or send messages?

  You? Personally? Sorry, sugarplum, no can do. But there are powerful beings who might have the juice to pull that off. You’ll have to ask around. Politely.  

Is there a way to move up to a better level, or even get out?

  Yeah, like I mentioned in basic orientation, there are physical passages between the levels. Including the big, fancy, official Infernal Bureaucracy Elevator, which moves through the the biggest settlement of levels 1 through 5. It's for employees only though. Other passages are guarded by powerful beings or organizations, but it's unlikely they'll let you pass. Another unlikely method includes hitching a ride with an angel who can just fly through it all, ignoring physical space altogether.   Getting out, though? Out-out? Nope, you're here forever!  

What's up with angels down here?

  Ooh, someone didn't read the Bible! Or Milton! Let me quote you a line from Lucifer's favorite epic: "...what time his Pride had cast him out from Heaven, with all his Host of Rebel Angels..." That's right, honey, the Hells hosts one third of all angels! Maybe a little more too, but that's a secret. Very shush-hush.   We call those who still has daddy issues fallen angels, and those who have accepted their place here devils.  

What do I do for work now? Am I expected to do anything?

  If you wanna eat, live somewhere decent, or afford cute clothes, then yeah, you’re gonna need a job. Every level’s got towns, cities, even full-on countries, all with their own taxes and currency and whatnot. Popular entry-level gigs include prostitution or signing up for one of those wild bloodsport TV-shows on Level 5!  

What happens if I break the rules here?

  What rules? Nations, organizations, or big-shots likely have their own laws and punishments. The Infernal Bureaucracy have some too. But an overaching set of laws for the Hells? None. Nada. Doesn't exist.  

What’s the deal with religion now? Was any of it real?

  Oh for sure! Most religions got something right. You’ll probably find, like, twisted versions of whatever you believed in scattered around the Hells. Did anyone guess the full picture? Nope! Lots of souls still cling to their old faiths like their afterlife was some sort of clerical error. Let ’em. Doesn’t bother me.  

What about languages?

  Oh right, that's like a big hassle down here. If you speak Latin? You're golden, honey! Anyone can understand spoken Latin down here 'cause it's, like, Lucifer's favorite language since it's so complicated and difficult to learn. Same does not apply for writing, though. Or any other language. Hey, if you're a polyglot you can totally find work as a translator!  

Are there other kinds of afterlives?

  Um... Maybe? I don't know. Doesn't matter, you're here now!  

Can I still fall in love? Or get married? Or hook up?

  Yes, yes, and oh my gosh yes! Get it, honey!  

Do demons have souls? Can they die?

  Demons don't have souls, no. Technically, neither do you! You are your soul now. Demons can die, though you might find death manifests a little differently for them. Myself for example would just respawn in my office if I died, macchiato and memo in hand. Perks of meaningful employment! Some can die an infinite amount of times, returning to their native planes, some just vanish, others stay dead for a few decades before popping up somewhere at random. It’s a whole thing.  

What’s the deal with Lucifer? Can I meet him?

  Ah, the Sovereign Supreme! Lucifer! Mister Morning Star! Satan himself! Yeah, nah. Look, he's like suuuuper busy. Unless you cause a full-blown existential crisis across multiple levels or heroically prevent one? He’s not picking up your call.  

Is time the same down here?

  For the most part. The Infernal Bureaucracy keeps track of Earth time, but it's practically impossible for anyone else to keep up. They just kinda vibe it out. Some levels or cities have their own calendars and clocks, but it’s kind of a mess overall. Your perception of time though? You're gonna have to experience it for yourself, sweetie!  

What if I don’t want to go to my assigned level?

  Boo-hoo! Tough shit, sweetheart!  

Can I trust demons?

  First of all, rude! Second of all, nah, wouldn't count on it. While we here at the Infernal Bureaucracy have to follow, like, guidelines on how we treat mortals, don't expect that anywhere else. Thirdly: can you trust humans?  

What’s the Pit of Baphomet?

  Oh, that’s just where my boss and buddy baphie-Baphomet hangs out. When you’re done here, hop on in, and he’ll give you a big ol’ slap with one of his twelve hands. You’ll go flying straight to your assigned level. Fast, efficient, a little dramatic, you gotta love it!