November: X-mas Plans
Z: “What about Alfablót this year?”
A: “...what about it?”
Z: “I mean, we have to do something. It’s tradition… and last year-”
A: “Last year everything fell apart.”
Z: “Not… everything. You came back to me – to us!”
A: “Just to see everything fall apart.”
K: “Alea, Zel is right. Last year was shit, but this year we are all here – awake… alive, despite everything,” Kass buds in, concerned. “If nothing else, we should celebrate us being still here, still together despite… everything.”
A: “I’m just… the memorial… it just makes everything hurt again.”
K: “I know… It’s the same for us, you know.”
Z: “Yeah, we were actually there when it ha-”
K: “Zel, don’t!”
But Zeldine’s right. They were there and I wasn’t. I have tried forgiving myself, but the anniversary just brings it all back. The loss of life… of progress… of Thrud as our Dís. The start of my training… the increase of threats… the nightmares. The weight of adulthood in a world darker than we could have imagined.
“...okay, so Alfablót Friday the fifth… then the memorial… I- we have to go, right?”
“Yeah… yeah, I’d say so,” Kass answers solemnly.
“And then Christmas, of course!” Zeldine butts in concerned. “We have to do something upbeat about that!”
“I… I can’t.. It may coincide with my… thing… condition…” I mummer shamefully.
“Oh, your heat!” Zeldine blurts out.
“Don’t… uhm, yeah…” Gods, my face must be redder than my hair.
“Uhm, I can maybe look into a remedy or… something,” Kass states, looking awkwardly to the side. She still doesn’t know exactly how to handle that part about my new physiology. Quite understandable as she is pretty much on the opposite side of that spectrum. Zeldine’s swinger party just pushed her further away from us, in that regard too.
“Or, we just make sure you have… options available,” Zeldine adds enthusiastically.
“We are not revolving Christmas around me acting crazy!” I interject.
“No, no, of course not! We just include someone who we would consider inviting anyway, and have them be your ‘emergency backup’,” she continues. “And I’ll, of course, be ready to help too!”
Kass lowers her head. She’s not a fan of muddling the lines between friendship and sex, and ever since Zeldine realized that Kass knows about Zeldine and my… occasional intimacy, Zel has been more vocal about her, let’s say, overwhelming enthusiasm about it. Maybe it’s my fault for occasionally giving in to her pleading.
“Let’s just… brainstorm on who’s available,” Kass sighs, shaking her head in frustration. I know she wants to bring Kurt, but would probably not risk it, if he is the only guy there. “And bearable to spend an entire evening with.”
“How about Ville?” Zeldine starts. “I mean, if Kurt is already coming. And Alea kinda owes him for the swinger party.”
Ville… we haven’t really spent much time with him, but he has popped up occasionally along the other Nether Court boys. He is such a sub, it’s unattractive. But he’s a safe choice, maybe.
“Ooh, Emile really wants to get to know me better. Maybe I can invite him!” she continues before I get an answer in. Oh my fucking gods.
“I am not fucking your brother,” I state with as much disdain possible. We have muddled those lines way too much already. Even more than Zeldine can ever know. And I’m already fighting a secret battle, trying to keep my brother from her as well. Gods, we’re becoming more entangled than the Habsburgers at this point.
“Why not? He’s hot and charming, and I know he’d be interested!”
“Well, I am not, and I am not discussing it again.”
“Well, okay then!” Zeldine answers, possibly a little offended even.
“Can’t you just… do it yourself?” Kass asks as a distraction.
“I want to, but I can’t be sure, I won’t do anything… crazy…” I sigh shamefully. Losing control of the steering wheel like that… it’s nothing but shame. Zeldine seems to have words to say, but she’s keeping them to herself. Why is it bad that I don’t want to fuck her brother?
“Soo, is Ville our bet right now? I can get Kurt to ask him to come by, but you have to explain the details yourself, Alea,” Kass states, hoping to get on to other subjects.
“I will,” I mutter, hoping to sound more confident than I feel. Where do I even start? What does he make of it? Should I lead up to something beforehand? Am I even cool with it? “But let’s hope it won’t be necessary. It might come a few days before or after, so it’s probably unlikely to land on that day anyway…”
As I state this, hoping to put Kass’ mind at ease, I realize that it does the opposite to me. What if it comes, when I’m alone? Will I assault a neighbor? Somebody in the park? I can’t trust myself without a plan.
“Maybe we should find you a real partner instead – get back out there?” Zeldine chimes in with forced enthusiasm. “I mean, that would fix it too, wouldn’t it?”
“I-I don’t know about that!” I respond in a panic. I have been trying to keep low ever since it happened and Kratz left. I didn’t feel charming or wanted before – now I’m a full blown Fey with fey baggage on top of that.
“I mean, she’s right – your ‘heat’ would be confined to one safe target,” Kass buds in, in her infinite wisdom.
“And a fun partner would be down for a bit of wild beast Alea once a month!” Zeldine adds, both of them staring at me with anticipation.
“I don’t know, guys. I don’t even know anybody, I would date.”
“Well, you can start with the app…” Zeldine blurts out.
“...and maybe a date-date with Ville?” Kass adds.
“...I mean, we could find a couple of blind dates for you, actually…” Zeldine interjects, turning to look at Kass, who nods in agreement. “It’ll be our little project this month – if you trust us.”
What a wording… ‘trust’. Of course I trust them with all things, but this… I just don’t know. They’re staring, waiting for an answer. The only answer I feel allowed to give is:
“Okay… okay then. But none of Zeldine’s crappy exes!”
“Hello, Simon. Alea here. I wanted to know how the app is coming along.” A simple text. I haven’t been consistent at the meetings. Meaning it has been a while, even if I know going would be good for me, supposedly. “Hi, Alea, it is so good to hear from you. The app is expected to come up very soon. Are you coming to our meeting this thursday?” I can hardly avoid it now, can I? Since I attacked Tiernan, I have been pretty nervous about showing up. Hearing what consequences my actions may have had. I know I should keep myself informed – make sure he keeps his word, but the risk of him escalating instead frightens me still. I have no choice. “Sure, I’ll be there :)” A short message, but friendly. The die is cast, as they say.
“Hey! Hey, Alea?” Nelke’s small voice calls out as I’m leaving the center. She was quiet – even by her standards at the meeting. I stop and turn to her running up to me, her oversized jacket bouncing with every step. “Alea, can we talk?” “Y-yeah, sure!” I won’t deny, I have been scared of what she would have to say at the meeting. Instead she opted to wait for now. “I just… what you said in there… Many of us have the need too…” she starts, poorly hiding how nervous she is. “I mean, not that I’m here to tell you to, uhm, you know… It’s just… if you ever need relief we got you, okay? Whatever you need.” “Uhh… thanks…” I say, slowly, overwhelmed, shocked… “I-I mean, ‘thanks’! I’m- it’s- …I mean, I couldn’t possibly… it wouldn’t feel… consensual…” “Look, I know what we are and the stigmas around that, but we are also Fey with Fey needs, and that doesn’t make us unsanitary or unhealthy. It’s what we’re good at, and it’s how we can help you too. It’s the last thing we can do for what you did for us. It doesn’t have to be… all the way. If you need a massage – a hand – anything. And it’ll be our pleasure too!” “It’s just… so much! I’m happy that I actually helped, but please, don’t make me something I’m not. I just did what I had to do, and I don’t need a prize for that,” I reiterate nervously, frustratedly. “You did more than anyone else did – Alea, we are alone, and you protected us. You need help too, and we can be that help. There is no shame in that.” “Then why is all I feel shame!?” I snap back aggressively, startling her. Fuck. I can’t even be kind to those who show me such kindness. I hide my head in my hands, and drop down on the pavement. What’s wrong with me? “I-I-I am so sorry, Nelke. It’s not you, it’s me! I just can’t deal with the shame! Nobody gets how fucked it is, losing myself to become some… some sex freak every month!” I start crying, hiding my face in my arms, as I sense her dropping down next to me, and her small arms embrace me, as her head falls against my shoulder. Her only words: “I know… I know…”
“Hello, Simon. Alea here. I wanted to know how the app is coming along.” A simple text. I haven’t been consistent at the meetings. Meaning it has been a while, even if I know going would be good for me, supposedly. “Hi, Alea, it is so good to hear from you. The app is expected to come up very soon. Are you coming to our meeting this thursday?” I can hardly avoid it now, can I? Since I attacked Tiernan, I have been pretty nervous about showing up. Hearing what consequences my actions may have had. I know I should keep myself informed – make sure he keeps his word, but the risk of him escalating instead frightens me still. I have no choice. “Sure, I’ll be there :)” A short message, but friendly. The die is cast, as they say.
“Hey! Hey, Alea?” Nelke’s small voice calls out as I’m leaving the center. She was quiet – even by her standards at the meeting. I stop and turn to her running up to me, her oversized jacket bouncing with every step. “Alea, can we talk?” “Y-yeah, sure!” I won’t deny, I have been scared of what she would have to say at the meeting. Instead she opted to wait for now. “I just… what you said in there… Many of us have the need too…” she starts, poorly hiding how nervous she is. “I mean, not that I’m here to tell you to, uhm, you know… It’s just… if you ever need relief we got you, okay? Whatever you need.” “Uhh… thanks…” I say, slowly, overwhelmed, shocked… “I-I mean, ‘thanks’! I’m- it’s- …I mean, I couldn’t possibly… it wouldn’t feel… consensual…” “Look, I know what we are and the stigmas around that, but we are also Fey with Fey needs, and that doesn’t make us unsanitary or unhealthy. It’s what we’re good at, and it’s how we can help you too. It’s the last thing we can do for what you did for us. It doesn’t have to be… all the way. If you need a massage – a hand – anything. And it’ll be our pleasure too!” “It’s just… so much! I’m happy that I actually helped, but please, don’t make me something I’m not. I just did what I had to do, and I don’t need a prize for that,” I reiterate nervously, frustratedly. “You did more than anyone else did – Alea, we are alone, and you protected us. You need help too, and we can be that help. There is no shame in that.” “Then why is all I feel shame!?” I snap back aggressively, startling her. Fuck. I can’t even be kind to those who show me such kindness. I hide my head in my hands, and drop down on the pavement. What’s wrong with me? “I-I-I am so sorry, Nelke. It’s not you, it’s me! I just can’t deal with the shame! Nobody gets how fucked it is, losing myself to become some… some sex freak every month!” I start crying, hiding my face in my arms, as I sense her dropping down next to me, and her small arms embrace me, as her head falls against my shoulder. Her only words: “I know… I know…”
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