Explosive Intestinal Kitten Syndrome

Now now boys, girls and things of the sprawl. Remember last year about that poor boy who took a fall trying to catch a pigeon. A pigeon so his poor mother might make a bit of the good old pigeon pie for their supper. Now more than a few of you have taken to eating cats. And not some fresh kitten either, but any old mangy, scarred and half dead cat that you might be able to chase. You need to be stopping that right now.   Now why might you be asking as to why you cannot be having a finely made cat casserole or kitten souffle. Well  the answer is simply my friends, it is EIKS, explosive intestinal kitten syndrome. And believe me you will be saying "ick" if you have EIKS.    Some felines if you did not know, but should have got the juice, the mojo. They became like magical during the awakening. Others mutated from the toxins those oh so wonderful corporations dump in our backyards, parks and playgrounds. Then there are those that surged into only bog in his heaven knows when old Haley's Comet came through back in 2061 and turned our world into an even more nightmare horrowshow.   This particular bit of nastiness is caused by the Campylobacter bacteria, the awakened variant to be precise. Where the old pre-awakened strain would make you sick for a week, or in rare cases kill  you. This new mojo bacteria will literally make your guts explode from the inside out. Cats get it from eating infected prey and you get it from eating them.    Now let me give you the symptoms:   First there is diarrhea, a fever, stomach cramps, nausea and vomiting. Generally starting two to five days after consuming the bacteria, lasting up to a week after that. There can be complications; irritable bowel syndrome, arthritis and paralysis. These are the symptoms you will if you're lucky and  get the mundane original strain.   As for the awakened gut death strain you can expect the following:   Bloody diarrhea often with necrotised intestinal track tissue. An extremely high fever, high enough to cause brain damage. Your stomach displaying symptom of extreme acid reflux disease so bad that you run the risk of having your esophageal track and larnyx burned out. You will vomit everything you eat and will require intravenous solutions to remain hydrated and nourished. In two to three days you'll be dead. Unless you receive proper health care and medications, which you sorry lot more than likely will have to steal. I hardly expect any of you to have proper identification or an account with the National Health Service.   But should you somehow survive the magical beast of a bug, you can look forward to a life of wearing nappies due to permanent fecal incontinence. Hemorrhoids, which no surgery can repair. Then there is the possibility of rectal and anal prolapse.   So if you intend on eating a cat, cook it properly all the way through. No medium rare, it has to be well done. And above all, skip the crucified cat recipe from Ghana.